Retro Television Reviews: Policewoman Centerfold (dir by Reza Badiyi)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1983’s Policewoman Centerfold.  It  can be viewed on Tubi!

Jennifer Oaks (Melody Anderson) is a former wild teen turned cop.  While her friends from high school walk the streets, Jennifer rides in a squad car.  It’s not always easy.  She is one of the only women on the force and the men refuse to take care her seriously, no matter how times she proves herself as a police officer.  Recently divorced, she live in a trailer park with her son, Tommy (Jerry Supiran).  At the start of the film, her partner informs her that he’s going to be requesting a new partner because apparently, his wife has issues with him working with another woman.

Jennifer’s new partner is Nick Velano (Ed Mariano).  “Are you Italian?” she asks him at one point, because I suppose the fact that his name was Nick Velano wasn’t enough of a clue.  (For the record, Nick is Italian.)  Though Jennifer says that she doesn’t date the people with whom she works, she makes an except for Nick.  It turns out that Nick, along with being Italian, is an amateur photographer.  After Jennifer says that she’s never felt attractive, Nick snaps a few pictures of her to prove her wrong.  Jennifer is so impressed with the pictures that she mails them off to Centerfold Magazine.  Nick, of course, is a huge fan of Centerfold, though he insists that he just reads the articles.  That said, Nick is not happy when he discovers that Jennifer is going to appear in a pictorial.  For that matter, neither is the police department.  Neither are Jennifer’s parents.  Neither is Tommy, especially after a bunch of older kids beat him up for having an attractive mom.  (I’m not really sure what the logic was there.)  However, Jennifer finds the experience to be liberating and she refuses to apologize for her decision.  When the chief of police attempts to kick her off the force, Jennifer goes to court.

Centerfold Magazine is obviously meant to be a stand-in for Playboy.  Of course, when I say that, I mean that it’s a stand-in for the way that Playboy liked to present itself as opposed to the reality.  In Police Woman Centerfold, Centerfold is a progressive magazine that only employs the most professional and polite of photographers.  In real life, Playboy was a tacky left-over from the late 60s and Hugh Hefner was a creepy old weirdo who lived in a dilapidated mansion and who was notorious for abandoning his models once they had fulfilled their purpose.  In Police Woman Centerfold, Centerfold Magazine is so idealized that its portrayal verges on parody.  It’s like one of those dreary communist propaganda films, where everyone in the collective can’t stop smiling and singing about how happy they are because there’s someone off camera pointing a gun at their head.

Fortunately, Melody Anderson gave a good performance in the main role, playing Jennifer as someone who had been beaten down by life but who still refused to give up hope for a better future.  The film itself may not have always taken Jennifer’s story seriously but Anderson herself did and, as a result, this film a bit better than it has any right to be,

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Sisters of Death with #ScarySocial


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, I will be hosting 1977’s SISTERS OF DEATH!

In Sisters of Death, Claudia Jennings plays a former sorority sister who has a deadly secret!  This is a drive-in classic!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag!  The film is available on Prime, YouTube, and a few other streaming sites.  I’ll be there co-hosting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Caveman!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  The movie? 1981’s Caveman!

Join Dennis Quaid, Barbara Bach, Shelley Long, and Ringo Starr as they make their way through a prehistoric wonderland!  It’s a film with two things that everyone loves, dinosaurs and comedy!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Caveman is available on Prime, Tubi, Pluto, and almost every other streaming service!  See you there!

Monday Live Tweet Alert: Join Us For Midnight Ride and Escape From Alcatraz!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in hosting a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

 

Tonight, for #MondayActionMovie, the film will be 1990’s Midnight Ride!  Selected and hosted by RevMagdalen, this movie asks what would happen if someone remade The Hitcher with Michael “The Dude” Dudikoff, Mark Hamill, and Robert Mitchum!  The movie starts at 8 pm et and can be found on YouTube!

 

Following #MondayActionMovie, Brad and Sierra will be hosting the #MondayMuggers live tweet.  We will be watching 1979’s Escape From Alactraz!  This classic Clint Eastwood prison flick can be found on Prime!

It should make for a night of fun viewing and I invite all of you to join in.  If you want to join the live tweets, just hop onto twitter, start Midnight Ride at 8 pm et, and use the #MondayActionMovie hashtag!  Then, at 10 pm et, start Escape From Alcatraz, and use the #MondayMuggers hashtag!  The live tweet community is a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.   

 

Film Review: My Dinner With Eric (dir by Eliza Roberts and Darryl Marshak)


One day, in Hollywood, actor Eric Roberts has dinner with Rico Simonini, who is both a fellow actor and a cardiologist to the stars.  They proceed to have a long and somewhat meandering conversation about …. well, just about everything.

Eric asks Rico how he balances being both an observant Catholic and, as a doctor, a man science.  Rico asks if Eric ever met Marlon Brando, which leads to an amusing story about the morning that Eric mistook Brando for being Jack Nicholson’s gardener.  They discuss how the movies have changed over the years, with Eric announcing that, with the exception of Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt, there are no more movie stars left.  Eric talks about how movies today are made quickly and cheaply and how the fact that we can now watch a movie anywhere has effectively ended the idea of movies being big events.  Rico talks about seeing Frank Sinatra being brought to the hospital for the final time.  They talk about their mutual love of Harry Dean Stanton and Burt Young.  Eric says that, before he became a star, Bruce Willis was the best bartender New York had ever seen.  Eric also talks about getting high with actor Sterling Hayden.

Oddly enough, the film skips around in time.  We seem some snippets of conversation that were apparently shot at a different dinner between the two men.  It’s during this second dinner that Eric is approached by a woman named Sandra who excitedly tells him that she loves his sister.  “Your sister blows my panties off!” she exclaims before walking away.  “Wow,” Rico says as an “OMG” thought balloon suddenly appears over Eric’s head.

The film sets itself up to make us believe that we’ll be eavesdropping on a casual, everyday conversation between the two men but, throughout the film, the men also acknowledge that they are being filmed.  Two women who interrupt the conversation to ask for an autograph also smile straight at the camera.  Are we watching a documentary or are we watching a fictionalized portrait of Eric and Rico’s friendship?  On the one hand, the film’s opening credits specifically credits Rico and Eric Roberts as co-writing the screenplay, which would seem to suggest that we’re watching a scripted conversation.  At the same time, Eric also gets a few details mixed up when he’s telling his stories.  For instance, he says that Jack Nicholson was Oscar-nominated for Terms of Endearment the same year that Eric was nominated for Runaway Train.  Actually, that year, Nicholson was nominated for Ironweed.  It’s not a huge mistake and, indeed, there’s actually something undeniably charming about the fact that Roberts has been doing this for so long that he occasionally has a difficult time keeping his dates straight.  But it’s the type of mistake that one makes while speaking off-the-top of one’s head as opposed to reciting lines from a script.  Are we watching a true conversation or are we watching a recreation of a conversation?  The film leaves it up to us to decide, a reminder that films can reflect reality while also being totally fictional.

When My Dinner With Eric started, the image was grainy and the hand-held camerawork was distracting.  However, as soon as Eric complains that most films made today look like they were shot on someone’s phone, the image suddenly becomes crisper, the camerawork settles down, and even the film’s soundtrack becomes significantly less muddy.  It’s as if, by calling out the poor visuals and sound quality of most low-budget films, Eric Roberts magically fixed this film.  When Eric complains about the service at the restaurant, we get a De Palma-style split screen.  When Eric talks about Rod Steiger, the film slips in a clip from On The Waterfront.  Later, the film finds time to feature a clip from Kubrick’s The Killing.  Even as we listen to the conversation between the two men, the directors make sure that we know that we’re watching a movie, once again tasking us with determining what is real and what is just being said for the cameras.

And yes, it’s all a bit self-indulgent and one could probably argue that this film is a vanity project for both Eric Roberts and Rico Simonini.  But I have to admit that, after a rough start, I actually grew to like this film.  Eric Roberts is a good conversationalist and, as you might expect from someone who has been working in the movies since the late 70s, he’s got a story for every occasion.  There’s an unexpected and earnest sincerity to Eric Roberts in this film and, even more importantly, an undeniable love of acting.  When the film starts, Eric seems awkward and a bit nervous.  But once he starts talking about his technique and the roles that he loved and the ones that he lost out on, he seems to come alive and, before our eyes, he transforms into the quirky performer who has appeared in everything from tough crime films to straight-to-video thrillers to Lifetime melodramas to micro-budget faith movies.  It’s interesting to watch and he and Rico seem to be having a good time talking to each other.  Though Rico may not be as a famous as his friend, he still manages to hold his own in their conversation.

Do I recommend this film?  If you’re a fan of Eric Roberts and if you have the patience necessary to stick with the film despite a somewhat rough beginning, then yes.  It’s currently on Tubi.

Retro Television Reviews: Swimsuit (dir by Chris Thomson)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1989’s Swimsuit.  It  can be viewed on Tubi!

Mrs. Allison (Cyd Charisse, in what is basically an extended cameo) is determined to make Saltare Swimsuit Company the most popular swimsuit brand in the world.  And, as we all know, the key to popularity is picking the right models.  She assigns her second-in-command, Brian Rutledge (William Katt, giving off a pure Malibu vibe), to find the most beautiful women and men on the beach.  Joining Brian on this mission is his goofy assistant, Willard Thurm (Tom Villard).

Brian and Willard quickly manage to gather a group of potential models, all of whom will now compete for the chance to represent Saltare.  Among the hopefuls:

Maria (Nia Peeples) is hoping that she will not only become the body of Saltare but that she’ll also be able to launch an acting career.  Complicating matters is that she used to be married to Brian and he tends to get upset whenever an audition causes her to be late to a photoshoot.

Jade (Catherine Oxenberg) wants to be famous and rich and she’s already living a wealthy lifestyle.  Everything about Jade suggests that she’s probably doing massive amounts of cocaine but, since this is a made-for-TV movie, we don’t get to see any of that.  Instead, she ends up having a very unlikely romance with Willard.

Romella (Ally Walker) is Hungarian and speaks mangled English, which this film plays for cringey laughs.  She befriends a male model named Scott (Paul Johansson) and schemes to make money.

Finally, Rosy (Cheryl Pollak) is an innocent and naïve waitress who, like all good Americans, has always dreamed of being a model.  As she competes, she finds herself torn between two potential suitors.  Chris Cutty (Billy Warlock, showing off the blue  collar beach style that landed him the role of the troubled lifeguard on Baywatch) is working class but honest and he has big plans of opening up his own business.  Hart Chadway (Jack Wagner) is slick and wealthy and older.  Gee, I wonder who Rosy will end up with?

You know all the horror stories that you hear about the modeling industry?  The sexual harassment?  The eating disorders?  The constant pressure to be perfect?  The drug addiction and the depression and the stalkers and the cancel crowd watching your every move?  Well, absolutely none of that is present in Swimsuit, which basically portrays modeling as perhaps the most earnest and wholesome industry to be found in the United States.  Mrs, Allison wants the best for all of her models and Brian and Willard are complete gentlemen.  You’ll be able to guess, from the minute she first appears onscreen, who is ultimately going to be the winner of the model search but, in the end, everyone gets something to be happy about.  This is a film without any real conflict, beyond Rosy trying to decide whether to date a working class hunk or a slightly more wealthy hunk.

You may have guessed that there’s not a huge amount of depth to Swimsuit.  It’s a movie about good looking people posing in swimsuits.  It’s the type of film that you can play in the background while you do other things.  Whenever someone starts singing a song on the soundtrack or you hear the sound of waves hitting the beach, you know that it’s time to look at the screen.  No one in the film makes a huge impression, though Cyd Charisse is properly eloquent as Mrs. Allison and William Katt is likable as Brian.  Tom Villard and Catherine Oxenberg make for an unexpectedly cute couple, which just goes to show that it’s never a bad idea to temper beauty with goofiness and vice versa.  Otherwise, this is an inoffensive but slightly forgettable fantasy of what it’s like to be a model.

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Tales From The Darkside with #ScarySocial


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, Tim Buntley will be hosting 1990’s Tales From The Darkside!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag!  The film is available on Prime.  I’ll probably be there and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Laserblast!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  The movie? 1978’s Laserblast!

Which film has Kim Milford, Roddy McDowall, Eddie Deezen, Keenan Wynn, Rainbeaux Smith, Gianni Russo, Dennis Burkley, and two Claymation aliens!?  This film!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Laserblast is available on Prime, Tubi, YouTube, Pluto, and almost every other streaming service!  On twitter, I’ll be sharing a commercial-free link for the film begins.

See you there!

Film Review: Project Skyquake (dir by József Gallai)


Project Skyquake, the latest film from director József Gallai, opens with a voice in the darkness.  The voice belongs to Andrew Derrickson (Simon Bramford), the stepfather of a student journalist named Cassie.  Andrew explains that Cassie and her friend Margot have been missing for a while.  They are actually one of the many people who disappeared all in the same day, an event that changed the world.

As he speaks, we see scenes of empty roads, abandoned buildings, and ominous forests and we can’t help but notice that there does not seem to be many people around.  We know that something big has happened but we don’t know what yet.  However, when looking at these desolate images, it’s hard not to think about what the real world has gone through over the past two years.  Due to the pandemic and lockdowns, many people did literally seem to disappear.  They retreated into their homes and they locked their doors and some have yet to emerge.  In the early days of the Pandemic, images of empty streets and deserted buildings were a regular feature on the news and online.  Some news sources even took to referring to the pre-COVID days as being the “before time,” as if the expectation was that the world would just have to accept the new normal of a empty streets and missing faces.  Project Skyquake, I should make clear, is not directly a COVID film but it is a film that resonates because of what most of humanity has just been through (and what many people are currently still experiencing).  At a time when many are trying to memoryhole what it was like and pretend as if it really wasn’t as bad as all that, Project Skyquake is a film that reminds us of exactly what it felt like to feel as if one was witnessing the end of the world.

We watch footage of the days leading up to the disappearance of Cassie (Laura Ellen Wilson) and her friend Margot (Laura Saxon).  Cassie is fascinated by “skyquakes,” a very real phenomena in which people have reported hearing explosions and trumpets coming from the sky.  As Cassie explains it, some people think that the skyquakes are UFO-realted.  Some blame the government.  Some say it’s a natural occurrence with a scientific explanation.  Others view the skyquakes as being the sound of heavenly trumpets announcing the start of the rapture and the end of the world.  Cassie explains that the skyquakes could be holes in time and we are hearing the sounds of the future.

After receiving a video from Hank (Tom Sizemore), another skyquake researcher, Cassie and Margot drive out to a location where skyquakes have frequently been reported.  They’re hoping to capture the phenomena on film.  Instead, they find themselves driving further and further into what appears to be a deserted forest.  Of course, the forest isn’t as deserted as it may appear and Cassie and Margot soon discover the truth about the skyquakes….

Project Skyquake is an enjoyably creepy found footage film.  The film makes good use of its atmospheric locations, with the forest and the things found within growing significantly more threatening with each passing moment.  (The shots of the abandoned buildings and the unwelcoming wilderness reminded me a bit of Jean Rollin’s The Night of the Hunted, with its portrayal of semi-deserted and dystopian Paris.)  The film does a good job of capturing the frightening and powerless feeling of being lost, both physically and mentally.  Laura Ellen Wilson and Laura Saxon are both immediately sympathetic as Cassie and Margot and, even more importantly, they’re believable as lifelong friends.  The viewer really does care about what is going to happen to them.

The film also does a good job of portraying the underground network of paranormal investigators and hobbyists who are convinced that there is more to the world than what can be easily seen.  Along with Tom Sizemore’s Hank. we also hear from Scott Carmichael (Robert LaSardo), an expert on the phenomena, and a Professor Stokkebø (Jon Vangdal Aamaas).  They are people who come from different parts of the world and different backgrounds but what they all share in common is a belief that there is more out there than we know or have been told about.

Project Skyquake is a short but effective film about a real-world phenomena.  It’ll make you listen to the sky a little more carefully then next time you’re standing underneath it.

Monday Live Tweet Alert: Join Us For The Bodyguard from Beijing and Man On Fire!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in hosting a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #MondayActionMovie, SweetEmmyCat is hosting 1994’s Bodyguard From Beijing starring Jet Li!

 

Following #MondayActionMovie, Brad and Sierra will be hosting the #MondayMuggers live tweet.  Tonight’s movie, starting at 10 pm et, will be 2004’s Man On Fire, starring Denzel Washington!  The film is available on Prime!

 

It should make for a night of intense viewing and I invite all of you to join in.  If you want to join the live tweets, just hop onto twitter, start The Man From Beijing at 8 pm et, and use the #MondayActionMovie hashtag!  Then, at 10 pm et, switch over to prime, start Man On Fire and use the #MondayMuggers hashtag!  The live tweet community is a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.  And reviews of these films will probably end up on this site at some point over the next few weeks.