Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

Episode 8.5 “Only the Good Die Young/Honey Beats the Odds/The Light of Another Day”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 13th, 1984)

This week, Isaac’s friend Lydia (Vernee Watson) boards the boat with her young son, Timmy (Emmanuel Lewis).  Is it time for Isaac to find love?  Not quite.  It turns out that Isaac knew Lydia’s deceased husband.  This trip is the first that Lydia and Timmy have taken since he died.

At first, Timmy is all cute and adorable.  But then he overhears Isaac talking to Lydia.  When Isaac mentions something about the good always dying young, Timmy decides to be bad so that he’ll live longer.  Soon, he’s sneaking out of his cabin, making a mess in the kitchen, and trying to steal stuff from the gift shop.  Finally, Captain Stubing and Isaac explain to him that what Isaac said was just an expression.  All is forgiven!

Oh God, this storyline.  I almost always respond to stories about people dealing with the loss of a parent or spouse.  I did not respond at all to this story, though.  Some of that is because Emmanuel Lewis’s performance as Timmy was way too cutesy.  Even more of it was because this story didn’t really deal with loss in any sort of honest or authentic way.  Instead, it was just some stupid kid who misunderstood something that he heard.  As usual, Ted Lange really poured his heart into his performance but otherwise, this story just fell flat.

Meanwhile, blind Millie Constant (Barbara Parkins) thinks that she has randomly run into Sam Washburn (John Bennett Perry — yes, Matthew’s father).  In college, before she lost her eyesight, she had a crush on Sam.  What she doesn’t know is that Sam is dead and she’s actually met his younger brother, George.  When Millie finally figures out that George is not Sam, how will she react?  Most people, blind or not, would probably be disgusted and go out of their way to avoid George for the rest of the cruise.  Millie, however, falls in love with George because this is The Love Boat!  This story actually featured two good performances.  Both Parkins and Perry did their best with the material they had been given to work with.  But the story itself asks us to suspend our disbelief just a bit too much.

Finally, Honey Mallory (Stephanie Faracy) boards the boat with her boyfriend, bookie Jake Diamond (James Sloyan).  With Jake more interested in making bets than romance, Honey starts to hang out with Miles Metcalf (Jack Riley).  Jake panics when he realizes that he might lose Honey.  He should also panic about the fact that Miles is a federal agent who has been secretly recording all of his conversations with Honey.  This story ends on a weird note.  Honey realizes that she loves Jake but Miles announce that Jake will be getting indicted at the end of the week.

All in all, this was not a memorable cruise.  None of the stories worked that well and, with the exception of Ted Lange, the Love Boat cast didn’t really seem like that they were that into it this week.  This was a pretty forgettable cruise.