Category Archives: TV

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled” and 5.3 “Honest Sly”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the Dreams finally experience an earthquake!

Episode 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 14th, 1996)

Sly has just discovered that radio executive Joey DeParna’s legendary thick head of hair is actually a wig and he’s blackmailing Joey into giving the Dreams an audition!  The only problem is that, due to a recent earthquake, Tony is suffering from PTSD and can’t even play the drums without having a flashback!  Mark suggests recreating the earthquake so that Tony can conquer his fears but, when the Dreams start shoving Tony’s drum kit back and forth, Tony panics and runs straight into a wall.  It looks like Tony’s going to have to live with his aunt and uncle in Ohio.  Fortunately, right as Tony is getting ready to say goodbye to his friends, another earthquake hits and Tony gets in a doorway.  When he realizes that the second earthquake didn’t kill him, Tony conquers his fears and decides to stay in California.  I don’t know.  I think two earthquakes in one week would be enough to make me leave but then again, I like Ohio.  Actually, we do have earthquakes in Texas but it’s rare that we ever actually notice them.  California, on the other hand, is probably going to plunge into the ocean and float away in another year or two.

I’m a little bit surprised that it took five seasons for a show called California Dreams to feature an earthquake.  I was also surprised that this was apparently Tony’s first earthquake, even though he grew up in California.  The scenes where Tony freaked out and flashed back to the quake were actually a lot better done than you would expect from a Saturday morning kids show.  I could understand Tony’s fear!  That said, the highlight of this episode was not the earthquake but instead a B-plot in which Tiffani got a job at an animal shelter and, while the shelter was closed for a week, all of the Dreams (except for Lorena) got to take care of an animal.  Tony’s beagle was adorable!

Episode 5.3 “Honest Sly”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 21, 1996)

Sly has a new job!  He’s working for Gem Diamond (Gary Beach) and selling used cars!  Sharp-eyed viewers will recognize Gem Diamond as being the same guy who sold Zack Morris a cheap class ring on Saved By The Bell.  As such, you can probably guess what type of cars Gem has on his used car lot.  Sly, of course, doesn’t have any problem selling crappy used cars for too much money.  Or, at least, he doesn’t until Sam buys a car and it crashes because the brakes were bad.  Struck with guilt, Sly goes on live TV and reveals that Gem sold Sam a defective car.  Gem gives Sam back her money and is so impressed with Sly’s sneakiness that he offers to go into business with him.  Sly, however, has had it with selling used cars.

Meanwhile, Lorena pretends to be Mark’s girlfriend so that Mark will develop the confidence necessary to ask out another girl.  Being Lorena’s fake boyfriend means doing stuff like shining her boots.  (I need to get a new pair of boots myself.)  The other girl is so impressed that she asks Mark to wash her car and do her French homework.  Seriously, this show’s writers could never decide just how much of a loser Mark actually was.  He was always either dating an Olympian or having an anxiety attack.

Usually, Lorena is the character to whom I most relate on this show but, during this episode, I related to Sam because everyone kept giving her such a hard time about being a bad driver.  Much like me, Sam wasn’t a bad driver as much as she was just someone who found it difficult to focus while the person sitting beside her kept yelling, “LOOK OUT!”

This was a good episode.  Gary Beach was genuinely funny as Gem Diamond.  For continuity watchers, there’s a moment in the episode where Jake mentions the time that Sly got conned by a fake modeling school.  The modeling school episode didn’t actually air until 4 months later.  We’ll get to that episode in another few weeks.

Coming up next week: Jake’s father is hired by the school and Tony cheats on a test!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson Episode 1.5 “Diplomatic Immunity”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

L.A. …. you belong to me….

Episode 1.5 “Diplomatic Immunity”

(Dir by Alan Cooke, Originally aired on April 12th, 1985)

Somebody is stealing luxury cars in Beverly Hills!  Detective Hamill (Gary Grubbs) is pretty sure that he’s caught the responsible party, a teenager who was seen near one of the cars when it was taken.  The teenager, who is in danger of losing his athletic scholarship, insists that he was just thinking about stealing the car but he didn’t actually do it.  Instead, the car was stolen by some guy who arrived on the scene via a limousine.  Why would a car thief be getting transported around in a limo?

That’s what Rocky Nelson (Joe Pesci) wants to find out!  Just as in the previous episodes, everyone tells Rocky to not get involved.  The police tell Rocky to stay out of the way.  Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), tells him that it’s not his concern.  Rocky’s landlord, Mr. Martin (Dean Martin), stops by the guesthouse to use Rocky’s phone and, though he doesn’t say not to get involved, it’s still pretty obvious that Dean Martin doesn’t care about the car thieves.

Only Rocky cares!  Actually, Kurt (Bubba Smith) and Beau (Dick Butkus) care as well.  In fact, in this episode, Kurt and Beau get almost as much screen time as Rocky.  They follow Rocky around, hoping to learn how to become better detectives.  As critical as I can sometimes be of Dick Butkus’s character on Hang Time, he was actually pretty funny on Half Nelson.  He and Bubba Smith made a good comedy team and they seem to be having so much fun together that it makes up for the fact that neither one of them had much range as an actor.  For instance, when Rocky goes to Beverly Hills High School to do some investigating, Kurt and Beau follow him.  Kurt and Beau claim to be two new teachers at the school.  “We got traded to this school from Harvard,” Beau says before Kurt explains that they got traded for another teacher and several draft picks.  It’s a dumb joke but Butkus and Smith sell it with their enthusiasm.

Eventually, Rocky figures out that the car theft ring is being led by a diplomat (John Saxon) from Central America.  Saxon pretends to be collecting money for charity but he’s actually just stealing cars and smuggling them out of the country.   Rocky’s investigative techniques are not particularly complex.  He “borrows” an expensive car from the studio and then hides in the trunk with his pitbull, Hunk.  When Saxon’s henchman (Lewis van Bergen) steals the car, Rocky and Hunk jump into action.  Hunk cripples the thief by biting his ankle and then Rocky and his dog run away as the car explodes.  “Run, Hunk, run!” Rocky yells.

Rocky, Kurt, and Beau manage to catch Saxon right before he boards a plane to leave the country.  The teenager is freed from jail.  As he leaves his cell, he complains about the incompetence of the cops.  Rocky yells at him for being disrespectful.  It’s the best scene in the show, just because it feels spontaneous.  It’s almost as if Pesci himself suddenly got mad and started yelling at the kid.

Rocky, Amanda (Victoria Jackson, who has been underused in every episode, with the exception of the pilot), and the rest of the Beverly Hills Security team throws a birthday party for Chester.  Dean Martin does not show up.  The end credits roll.

Half Nelson‘s main weakness is that, despite having an once-in-a-lifetime cast, the plots tend to feel somewhat generic.  It just doesn’t feel right to have actors like Joe Pesci, Fred Williamson, Dean Martin, and even Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith dealing with the type of boring cases that any 80s TV detective could have solved.  That said, compared to the previous episodes of Half Nelson that I’ve watched, this episode was okay.  Pesci got to show off his streetwise attitude and, as always, he seemed to be happiest when acting opposite Dean Martin.  John Saxon was stuck playing a one-note villain but it’s still always enjoyable to watch Saxon as he plots to do something bad.  This episode was enjoyable if not exactly memorable.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.14 “Shock Treatment” and 4.15 “Frisky Business”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Hello, Manny High!

Episode 4.14 “Shock Treatment”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 4th, 2000)

Oh, thank God.  Chris finally got a haircut.  I’m not sure how I feel about the sideburns but Chris still definitely looks so much better without all of that hair dragging his face down.

Mean Dean, New York’s top radio DJ, is scheduled to do his show from Manny High but, when he calls in sick, it appears that the show might have to be cancelled.  However, Ms. Noble approaches Dean’s producer and tells him that she knows two students who can fill in, Chris and Jamal!  Apparently, Ms. Noble has forgotten about all of the times that she’s suspended Chris and Jamal from doing their show as a result of their history of rampant stupidity.  The producer agrees to let Chris and Jamal fill in and loves listening to Chris and Jamal make jokes about their teachers.  Since Dean is going to be out for a week, Chris and Jamal are hired to serve as his replacements….

I’m starting to suspect this show is not a realistic portrayal of the radio world.

Though Chris and Jamal try to keep the show light with a really bad Regis Philbin impersonation, their producer tells them that listeners don’t want nice.  They want mean.  So, Chris and Jamal insult all of their friends on the show.  Apparently, the listeners love it and it looks like Chris and Jamal might get their own show!  I guess pre-911 New Yorkers loved to turn on the radio and hear insulting jokes about obscure high school students.  All of Chris and Jamal’s friends get angry and refuse to have anything to do with them so Ms. Noble decides to get involved.

“Is this the type of show you want to do?” Ms. Noble asks.

Considering that Chris and Jamal haven’t even graduated high school and they’re already the hosts of the top radio show in New York and they’re also getting paid a lot of money, I’d say that this is probably exactly the type of show that they want to do.  Still, no one on City Guys can ever say no to Ms. Noble so Chris and Jamal quit their show and probably sabotage whatever hopes they may have of ever having a career in broadcasting.  Instead of becoming the next Howard Stern, Jamal can look forward to inheriting the diner from his Dad and then, 20 years later, watching it go out of business due to the COVID lockdowns.  Meanwhile Chris will probably either end up in jail for insider trading or as an assistant to Bill de Blasio.  Either way, it’s not happy future.  Thanks, Ms. Noble!

Episode 4.15 “Frisky Business”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

It’s the first day of school and everyone is shocked by Chris’s short hair.  When they ask him why he cut it, he says that, when he was backpacking through Europe over the summer, too many Italian men mistook him for being a girl and tried to hit on him….

Of course, Chris had short hair last episode and no one mentioned it.  On top of that, when did the previous school year end?  It’s pretty obvious that NBC showed the fourth season episodes out of their intended order because who cares about continuity, right?  It’s not like there are people hired for every movie and television series whose entire job is to keep track of continuity from shot-to-shot….

Actually, while we’re talking about things that don’t make sense, how did Chris backpack through Europe when he and Jamal were sent to summer school for cheating on that Chemistry midterm?  At one point, during this episode, L-Train mentions that summer school ended the day before the new school year began.  So, there’s really no way Chris could have done summer school and gone to Europe.  My theory is that Chris paid someone to attend summer school for him.  That was pretty smart of Chris.  I’m impressed.

Anyway, the kids are shocked to discover that Manny High now has metal detectors and they now have to line up to enter the school.  Dawn complains that nothing violent has ever happened on the Manny High campus.  That’s actually not true.  There’s been a lot of fights and near-fights on campus.  Just a few episodes ago, someone (probably Louis) wrote “Jerk” on Jamal’s locker.  Manny High is a dangerous place!

Not only do the students have to deal with the metal detectors but, after L-Train is caught with a switch-comb, the school board also decides to install transparent lockers and surveillance cameras on the roof.  The students are given a list of things that they can no longer wear or bring to school.  Ms. Noble tells the students that she has to enforce the rules.  (HA!  WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW, STUDENTS!?)  But she encourages the students to come up with a “constructive” way to protest.

Chris and Jamal go on their stupid radio show and announce that Manny High has been turned into a prison and “Ms. Noble ain’t the principal no more, she’s the warden!” Chris and Jamal call on everyone to refuse to go to class until something is done about the metal detectors.  Ms. Noble responds by suspending Chris, Jamal, Al, L-Train, Dawn, and Cassidy.

Being suspended apparently means hanging out at the New York Diner.  Ms.  Noble, who I’m going to assume in now divorced since we haven’t heard or seen anything about her husband since she got married, shows up there as well and says, “Hey kids, how’s life in the suspended lane?”  Ms. Noble proceeds to scold them for not expressing their feelings in “a proper way.”

The kids decide that the best way to handle things is to set up a metal detector at the next school board meeting, which is being held at Manny High for some reason.  To me, that seems a lot more obnoxious than anything that was said on the radio but it works.  I guess the kids just needed Ms. Noble to talk down to them.  After being forced to walk through the detectors themselves, the school board agrees to compromise with the students, which is something that would never happen in real life.

(It especially wouldn’t happen today.  Nowadays, Americans love being bossed around.)

Anyway, these episode actually weren’t that bad, at least not when compared to some of the other episodes of City Guys.  Both Scott Whyte and Wesley Jonathan showed a noticeable improvement as actors in these two episodes.  It helps that Chris got his hair cut.  I really didn’t realize how much Chris’s long hair bugged me until I saw him with short hair.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.9 “Till Death Do Us Part–Maybe / Locked Away / Chubs”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for another cruise!

Episode 2.9 “Till Death Do Us Part–Maybe / Locked Away / Chubs”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on November 11th, 1978)

The Love Boat is haunted!

Well, no, not really.  Instead, one of the passengers is haunted.  Ellen Garner (Vernee Watson) is having a difficult time getting over the death of her husband, Mickey (Jimmie Walker, who also appeared on the very first episode of The Love Boat, though as a different character).  It’s been two years since Mickey died and Ellen still has not been able to move on.  Some of that might be because Mickey’s ghost is still following Ellen around.  Only Ellen can see and hear Mickey.  This leads to a lot of scenes of her arguing with Mickey while everyone standing around her assumes that she’s talking to herself.

(To be honest, I think most people would be made nervous by a woman who spent the entire cruise loudly arguing with herself but the passengers and the crew of The Love Boat are oddly unconcerned.  It was the 70s so I assume everyone just assumed it was due to the cocaine.)

Mickey wants Ellen to move on and he pressures her to find a new husband on the cruise.  In fact, Mickey thinks that Ellen should spend some time with Greg Elkins (Greg Morris), who is handsome, polite and wealthy.  At first, Ellen resists Mickey’s attempts to push them together but finally, she gives in.  Suddenly, Mickey starts to get jealous.  By the end of the cruise, though, Mickey is at peace with Ellen moving on and Ellen accepts Greg’s marriage proposal.  Mickey tries to congratulate Ellen, just to discover that she can no longer see or hear him.  Mickey vanishes into thin air, giving this otherwise frothy story a somewhat bittersweet aftertaste.

Whether you were being haunted or not, would you get married after only knowing someone for a week?  I know that there are reality shows built around this very idea but still, I have to wonder how many of these spontaneous Love Boat marriages ended in divorce.  Speaking of divorce….

Also on the cruise is a young married couple, Linda (a young Jamie Lee Curtis, looking relieved to not have to deal with Michael Myers or any other knife-wielding madmen) and Wayne (Peter Coffield).  Linda and Wayne are on the verge of divorce.  Ever since her parents, Les and Gail (Conrad Bain and Curtis’s real-life mother, Janet Leigh), acrimoniously split up, Linda hasn’t believed in love.  Linda and Wayne spend most of the cruise fighting, though it’s never quite clear what they’re fighting about.  What they don’t know is that Les and Gail are on the cruise as well.  Les and Gail came to the ship to see their daughter off and then, as they tried to exit, they accidentally got locked in an unused cabin.  Trapped together and subsisting only on peanuts, water, and stowaway sex, Les and Gail discover that they are still in love and they agree to get married for a second time.  At the end of the cruise, everyone is reunited and, seeing that her parents are going to give marriage another shot, Linda agrees to give Wayne another shot. Awwwww!

(Again, it should be kept in mind that Les and Gail fell back in love because they literally didn’t have anything else to do.  They were trapped in cabin for several days!  Will their rekindled love continue once they have to deal with each other in the real world?  Considering how much they hated each other before getting trapped, it’s easy to be pessimistic.  Can you imagine how Linda will feel if her parents get married a second time just to then get a second divorce?  Then again, this is The Love Boat.  Perhaps the whole point is not to give it too much thought….)

Finally, Gopher is super excited that his sister will be celebrating her 18th birthday on the cruise!  However, Gopher is shocked and horrified to discover that Jennifer (Melissa Sue Anderson) has grown up and now has every guy on the ship hitting on her.  Gopher asks Doc Bricker to look after her, which is an odd request given that Doc is a walking HR nightmare.  That said, for once, Doc tries to do the right thing.  However, Jennifer is eager to lose her virginity and she’s decided that Doc would be the perfect man to which to lose it….

Really?  Out of all the guys on that cruise, you’re going to pick Doc?

Stories in which Doc is portrayed as being a legendary lover are always a bit strange because Doc was played be Bernie Kopell, a likable actor who gave off suburban Dad vibes as opposed to international playboy vibes.  Kopell, Anderson, and the usually underused Fred Grandy all give likable performances in this storyline but it’s still just odd to think that Jennifer has apparently spent years dreaming about Doc Bricker.

It’s also strange that Captain Stubing mentions that it’s been years since he last saw Gopher’s sister.  The previous season established that Captain Stubing had just recently been assigned to the boat and that he was still getting to know the crew.  So, either several years passed between the first and the second season or someone in the writer’s room wasn’t paying attention to continuity.  Then again, I imagine that continuity wasn’t as big a concern in the days before the Internet.  Even if someone did notice the mistake, who would they tell?

This episode was a fairly entertaining one.  Janet Leigh and Conrad Bain were definitely the highlight of this episode and it was fun to watch Leigh and Curtis acting opposite of each other.  (That said, you just know the show’s producers probably tried to convince Tony Curtis to play Janet Leigh’s ex-husband before they asked Bain.)  The ghost subplot had a few funny moments and Gopher finally got to do something.  All in all, it was a pleasant cruise on the Love Boat.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!  This week, we’ve got stripping and boxing!

Episode 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo is wearing a monocle because his cousin Igor has discovered that they are descended from royalty.  Roarke is not impressed.  Indeed, he seems to be genuinely angered by Tattoo’s suggestion that he’s somehow better than him.

As for the fantasies, first off the plane is Maureen Banning (Laraine Stephens).  Maureen is a runaway heiress.  Her father doesn’t want her to marry a poet named Barnaby (William Beckley) so she has snuck off to Fantasy Island so that she can get married over the weekend.  Unfortunately, her father’s private detectives have followed her to the island.  In a panic, Maureen hops onto the first bus that she sees.  It turns out the bus is the tour bus for a burlesque show and the show’s manager, Russ McCoy (Michael Callan), has a fantasy that concerns bringing the show to Broadway.  Maureen is mistaken for a famous burlesque dancer.  Fortunately, Sheba Palumbo (Mamie Van Doren) and Betty (Beverly Powers) are avid tabloid readers and they immediately recognize Maureen as the runaway heiress.  They agree to teach her how to dance so that she can stay on the island and marry Barnaby.  Except, of course, Maureen is now starting to feel more attracted to Russ….

This fantasy was okay.  I enjoyed the dancing and I also enjoyed thinking about how much Gary Loggins would have enjoyed watching his favorite actress, Mamie Van Doren, teach Maureen all the moves.  I think the main problem with this fantasy is that, even after she ran way, Maureen never seemed to be in control of her own fate.  The appeal of dancing on stage, whether you’re an old school burlesque performer or a modern-day stripper, is that it gives you all the power but, for Maureen, it just seemed like something to do until she finally got around to getting married.

The other fantasy involves Billy Blake (Ben Murphy), a boxer who only has three years to live.  He wants a chance to fight the other leading leading championship contender.  Even though the fight will be unofficial, Billy just wants a chance to show that, if not for his fatal disease, he could have been a champ.  Of course, if he takes too many hits to the head, Billy could die in the ring.  Billy is okay with that until he discovers that his former high school girlfriend, Jennie Collins (Maureen McCormick), is working on the Island.  Billy’s trainer (Forrest Tucker) tells Jennie to stay away from Billy and Jennie is ashamed of all of the “things” she did when she ran off to Hollywood to try to become a star.  (Like starring on The Brady Bunch Hour, perhaps….)  But, in the end, Billy realizes that his real fantasy is to spend his last remaining years with Jennie.  Personally, I found myself wondering why Billy didn’t consider a fantasy where he was cured of his terminal but unnamed disease.  Then he could both be champion and spend the rest of his life with Jennie.

There weren’t many surprises with this fantasy but Ben Murphy and Maureen McCormick were an undeniably cute couple.  I hope they had many good times before Billy’s agonizing and tragic death.

Next week …. John Saxon comes to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.9 “Love Triangle” and 4.10 “Texas Rose”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we have one decent episode and one episode that …. well, just read the review.

Episode 4.9 “Love Triangle”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 10th, 1998)

Finally, a decent episode!

At the start of this episode, Kristy informs Mary Beth that she has a crush on Hammer but she’s too shy to talk to him.  Not surprisingly, Mary Beth takes it upon herself to set them up.  She tells Hammer to be at the Stadium at a certain time so that he can meet his blind date.  Hammer agrees but is shocked when the blind date turns out to be Kristy.  After the date, he approaches Mary Beth and tells her that, while he thinks Kristy is great, she’s not the girl that he’s interested in.  He’s interested in …. MARY BETH!

Now, you can probably guess that this leads to Mary Beth dating Hammer in secret.  And you can probably also guess that Kristy eventually figures out what’s happening while they’re all at the latest school dance.  Mary Beth and Kristy argue and then they make up and then everything’s fine.  Mary Beth has a boyfriend, Hammer has a girlfriend, and Kristy …. well, okay.  It kind of sucks for Kristy.  That said, Mary Beth and Hammer are a cute couple.

This was a pretty simple episode and it almost felt like a throwback to the type of episodes that dominated the show’s first season.  (Remember when Danny tried to date Julie before eventually realizing that Sam was perfect for him?)  But it was kind of nice to take a break from all the basketball stuff and Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto did a good job with both the dramatic and the comedic moments of the episode.  And, after a rough few episodes, Mark Famiglietti finally got to display some bad boy charm in the role of Hammer.

All in all, this wasn’t a bad episode.

Episode 4.10 “Texas Rose”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 10th, 1998)

*sigh*

This episode finds the team going to a basketball tournament in San Antonio, Texas so, of course, it opens up with stock footage of an oil derrick.  From the minute I saw that cliché, I knew this would be a difficult episode for me.  As a Texan, I’m very sensitive to all the silly stereotypes and clichés that television shows tend to fall back on whenever they try to tell a story about my part of the world.

The oil derricks were followed by a shot of the Alamo.  That was good.  The Alamo is a huge part of Texas culture.  This was followed by the Tornadoes checking into their San Antonio hotel and, of course, everyone in the lobby is wearing a cowboy hat.  I rolled my eyes so hard that I gave myself a headache.  “Is it me or does everyone around here look like Garth Brooks?” Mary Beth says.

Oh c’mon, I muttered for neither the first nor the last time.

“I can’t wait to get on the court and kick some cowboy butt!” Michael declares.

So, I guess the point of this episode was to make sure no one in Texas ever watched another episode of Hang Time.  I mean, we’ve got enough confidence down here to take a joke but that doesn’t mean we want to spend 30 minutes being made fun of by a bunch of people who think Indianapolis is a real city.

At the local restaurant, the boys go crazy watching some fat dude try to ride an electric bull while Kristy sees a handsome Latino and automatically assumes that he can’t speak English.  She speaks to him in Spanish and, as we can see from the subtitles, her Spanish sucks.  Still, Antonio (Jay Hernandez, of Crazy/Beautiful and Hostel fame) is so attracted to her that he doesn’t mention that he was born in America and he can speak English.  Myself, I just find it interesting that Kristy and her friends assume that just because someone has brown skin in San Antonio, they must have been born in Mexico or Latin America and that they must not be able to speak English.  I mean, did they not notice that the town itself is called San Antonio but it’s full of people who speak and understand both English and Spanish?  Did they somehow never learn that Texas has a strong and politically active Latino community?  Seriously, the whole world isn’t freaking Indiana.

(And they wonder why we dislike Yankee tourists down here….)

Meanwhile, Silk meets a girl named Rose and falls for her.  However, Silk thinks that Rose is rich so he pretends to be rich in order to impress her.  When Silk takes Rose to Coach K’s suite and tries to pretend that it’s actually his hotel room, it works until Coach K shows up.  Oh well, Silk — that’s what you get!

The next day, as the team gets ready for their first game, Kristy is shocked to discover that Antonio is on the rival team and he can speak English!  Kristy yells at him for not telling her that he could speak English.  You know, Kristy, maybe you should have given him a chance to speak English before assuming that he couldn’t.

Things work out in the end.  Silk discovers that Rose isn’t actually rich and then he commandeers the stage of the local country-western bar and sings her a country song.  Wow, that’s stupid.  The episode ends without any word as to whether or not The Tornadoes won their tournament.  I really hope this doesn’t mean that I’m going to have sit through four more episodes about the Tornadoes in San Antonio.

*shudder*

Retro Television Reviews: International Airport (dir by Don Chaffey and Charles S. Dubin)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1985’s International Airport!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

It’s not easy working at an international airport!

At least, that’s the message of this made-for-television film.  Produced by Aaron Spelling and obviously designed to be a pilot for a weekly television series, International Airport details one day in the life of airport manager David Montgomery (Gil Gerard).  Everyone respects and admires David, from the recently graduated flight attendants who can’t wait for their first day on the job to the hard-working members of the airport security team.  The only person who really has a problem with David is Harvey Jameson (Bill Bixby), the old school flight controller who throws a fit when he learns that a woman, Dana Fredricks (Connie Sellecca), has been assigned to work in the tower.  Harvey claims that women can’t handle the pressure of working the tower and not having a personal life.  He demands to know what Dana’s going to do during that “one week of the month when you’re not feeling well!”  Harvey’s a jerk but, fortunately, he has a nervous breakdown early on in the film and Dana gets to take over the tower.

Meanwhile, David is trying to figure out why an old friend of his, Carl Roberts (played by Retro Television mainstay Robert Reed, with his bad perm and his retired porn star mustache), is at the airport without his wife (Susan Blakely).  David takes it upon himself to save Carl’s troubled marriage because it’s all in a day’s work for the world’s greatest airport manager!

While Carl is dealing with his mid-life crisis, someone else is sending threatening letters to the airport.  One of the letters declares that there’s a bomb on a flight that’s heading for Honolulu.  David and Dana must decide whether to allow Captain Powell (Robert Vaughn) to fly to Hawaii or to order him to return to California.  And Captain Powell must figure out which one of his passengers is the bomber.  Is it Martin Harris (George Grizzard), the sweaty alcoholic who want shut up about losing all of his friends in the war?  Or is it the woman sitting next to Martin Harris, the cool and aloof Elaine Corey (Vera Miles)?

Of course, there are other passengers on the plane.  Rudy (George Kennedy) is a veteran airline mechanic.  Rudy is hoping that he can talk his wife (Susan Oliver) into adopting Pepe (Danny Ponce), an orphan who secretly lives at the airport.  Unfortunately, when Pepe hears that Rudy’s plane might have a bomb on it, he spends so much time praying that he doesn’t realize he’s been spotted by airport security.  Pepe manages to outrun the security forces but he ends up hiding out in a meat freezer and, when the door is slammed shut, it appears that Pepe may no longer be available for adoption.  Will someone hear Pepe praying in time to let him out?  Or, like Frankie Carbone, will he end up frozen stiff?

International Airport was an attempt to reboot the Airport films for television, with the opening credits even mentioning that the film was inspired by the Arthur Hailey novel that started it all.  As well, Gil Gerard, Susan Blakely, and George Kennedy were all veterans of the original Airport franchise.  George Kennedy may be called Rudy in International Airport but it’s easy to see that he’s still supposed to be dependable old Joe Patroni.  Unfortunately, despite the familiar faces in the cast, International Airport itself is a bit bland.  It’s a disaster film on a budget.  While the viewers gets all of the expected melodrama, they don’t get anything as entertaining or amusing as Karen Black flying the plane in Airport 1975 or the scene in Concorde: Airport ’79 where George Kennedy leaned out the cockpit window (while in flight) and fired a gun at an enemy aircraft.  Probably the only thing that was really amusing (either intentionally or unintentionally) about International Airport was the character of Pepe and that was just because young Danny Ponce gave perhaps the worst performance in the history of television.

International Airport did not lead to a television series.  Watching it today, it’s a bit on the dull side but, at the same time, it is kind of nice to see what an airport was like in the days before the TSA.  If nothing else, it’s a time capsule that serves as a record of the days when the world was a bit more innocent.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/2/23 — 4/8/23

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

Gregory is teacher of the year, even though he himself doesn’t understand why.  This was an enjoyable episode and a nice relief from all of that heavy-handed charter school nonsense.  (Just from the lack of in-depth interaction between Gregory and Janine, I got the feeling that this episode may have originally been meant to air earlier in the season.)  The parent/teacher conference storyline was surprisingly poignant and Janine’s response to being called a bad teacher was perfectly handled.

Accused (Tuesday Night, Fox)

This week’s episode was actually pretty well-done and a definite improvement over the last few episodes.  That said, I didn’t buy the ending.  The jury may have sympathized with Jiro but he still basically admitted to committing the crime.  Juries usually aren’t that compassionate.  That said, we didn’t actually see the verdict being read so maybe Jiro got a hung jury as opposed to an actual acquittal.  I could buy the idea of one or two members of the jury refusing to convict far more easily than the idea that the entire jury was like, “Let’s just do it and be legends!”

American Idol (Sunday and Monday Night, ABC)

It’s Hollywood week!  At one point, Katy Perry announced that three people were going through, despite giving a subpar performance, because of their compassionate nature and their good attitudes.  Like what does that have to do with singing?  Where’s Simon Cowell when you need him?

I hope Nutsa wins it all.

The English (Prime)

This was an excellent western miniseries, starring Emily Blunt and Chaske Spencer.  The story was intriguing, the performances were captivating, and the visuals had a wonderfully surreal grandeur to them.  Watch this one if you haven’t already.  (I will probably be writing and posting a longer review later this month.)

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, Fox)

Woo hoo!  Demolition derby!  “You’re actually watching this?” my sister Melissa asked me this week.  Of course, I am!  It’s an adorable show, even if it does tend to go a little heavy on the rural stereotypes.  Still, Farmer Wants A Wife feels more much sincere and heartfelt than the just-completed season of The Bachelor.

5 Days At Memorial (Apple TV+)

What a devastating miniseries!  I was left emotionally drained by the end of it.  As good as Vera Farmiga was in the lead role, Andrew Pine was just as strong as one of the few doctors willing to criticize her actions.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I reviewed this week’s episode of Half Nelson here!

It’s The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown (Apple TV+)

Erin and I watched this on Wednesday.  Read her thoughts on it!

Jail (Tuesday Evening, Reelz)

A sex worker was arrested for public intoxication and refused to give her name to the arresting officer.  She was tossed in a holding cell.  Another prisoner threatened to kill himself so he was tossed in a padded cell.  Personally, I would have just let them all go.  The people who worked at the jail were all stocky and bald and tended to speak extremely slowly.  The existence of this show is probably something that will be used against humanity in the future.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

On this week’s episode, a young woman died of an untreated infection which was the result of being branded.  The branding was a requirement for being a member of the Lodestar Cult.  (“Lone Star?” dumb ol’ Cosgrove said, as he misread the brand, “You mean Texas?”  Get over it, New York.)  Lodestar was obviously based on NXIVM.  When the leader of the cult was killed in prison, Price initially wanted to go after his second-in-command, despite having offered her a deal earlier in return for her testimony.  In the end, he honored the plea agreement.

The best thing about this episode is that Maroun spent the entire Order half of the show rolling her eyes at Price and basically telling him that he was screwing up the case.  This is quite a chance from the way that Maroun was portrayed last season and for most of this season.  I prefer the free-thinking Maroun to the one who just blindly went along with whatever Price wanted.  I also prefer the vengeful, eye-for-an-eye Maroun to the mousy bleeding heart that she used to be.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The New Wave Theatre (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this public access music show on Saturday morning.  It was from the very early 80s and it featured four punk bands that I had previously never heard of.  The music wasn’t really my taste but I did enjoy the episode as a time capsule.

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

Abbi went to a snobby club to try to convince the District Attorney to pursue judicial reform.  It turns out that the D.A. was just trying to get Abbi to say something stupid so that he could use it against her.  This episode would have been better if Abbi’s ideas for judicial reform had been something more than just shallow platitudes.  As it is, Abbi is still way too naïve to be a believable judge (especially a New York City judge) and John Larroquette is practically the only member of the supporting cast who is the least bit interesting.

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

I watched two episodes on Friday night.  The first was about 80s dance music.  The second was about Talking Heads.  The music was great!

Poker Face (Peacock)

I finished up the first season of Poker Face this week and seriously, I can’t believe that I was ever hesitant to watch this show.  The guest stars are great, the plots are both amusing and poingant, and Natasha Lyonne is wonderful in the lead role.  (I love that Charlie changes jobs from episode to episode but she always manages to be a consistently terrible employee.)  I can’t wait for the second season!

Saved By The Bell: The New Class (YouTube)

It’s amazing to me that the original Saved By The Bell can be found basically everywhere but, unless you want to spend a lot of money on the DVD boxsets, it’s next to impossible to see an episode of Saved By The Bell: The New Class!  I grew up with The New Class!  I mean sure, it’s awful but still….

On Thursday afternoon, my sister Megan and I did find an episode on YouTube.  Ryan Parker (Richard Lee Jackson), the Zack Morris-substitute, wanted to make the wrestling team so that he could get a letter jacket for his girlfriend (Sarah Lancaster).  Unfortunately, Ryan wasn’t a very good wrestler and his training methods proved to be dangerous to his health.  He learned an important lesson about being happy with being who he was.  In our discussion following the episode, Megan pointed out that Ryan never even bothered to ask his girlfriend whether she even wanted the jacket.  I replied that it was probably just assumed that she wanted Ryan to make the team because, seriously, why would anyone want to date a loser?

This episode also featured Dustin Diamond, destroying his career by playing Screech Powers long beyond the character’s expiration date.  Screech returned to Bayside to act as Mr. Belding’s assistant.  Poor Mr. Belding!

Seinfeld (Monday Afternoon, TV Land)

Because his girlfriend had mono, George gave up having sex and suddenly became super intelligent.  Elaine stopped having sex with her boyfriend (played by Bob Odenkirk) so that he would be able to concentrate on passing his medical exams.  Unfortunately, this led to Elaine becoming dumb.  Meanwhile, Jerry kept getting bumped from career day and eventually, David Letterman refused to take his calls.  Jerry’s agent was the mother from That 70s Show.  It made me laugh!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode of Survivor here!

Tiny Beautiful Things (Hulu)

I watched the first two episodes on Friday but I really couldn’t get into Hulu’s latest limited series.  At this point, I’m kind of bored with shows about dysfunctional people who have addiction issues.  The first two episodes of Tiny Beautiful Things just tried too hard and felt a bit too calculated to shock.  Even the constant cursing felt like something that would have been daring in 2003 but, in 2023, it just seemed kind of lazy and repetitive.  I’ll give it another shot during this upcoming week.

Unsolved Mysteries (Pluto TV)

I watched two episodes on Wednesday.  Both of the episodes aired in the 80s so I assume the mysteries have been solved by now.  And if they aren’t, they probably never will be.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

Oh my God, they ate Jackie!  I’m not sure why that surprised me, as I knew the cannibalism was going to start up at some point and, being dead and frozen, Jackie did seem like the most likely meal.  Meanwhile, in the present, Callie is going to end up getting her mother thrown in jail if she doesn’t watch the attitude.  And I’m still worried about the safety of the new dog.  Run, puppy, run!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.15 “Dancing Isn’t Everything” and 5.1 “Stand By Your Man”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, one season ends and another begins.

Episode 4.15 “Dancing Isn’t Everything”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on April 6th, 1996)

The fourth season of California Dreams comes to a close with one of its best episodes and a personal favorite of mine, Dancing Isn’t Everything.  In fact, I already reviewed this episode a few years ago.

Rewatching it, I was pleased to discover that I still continue to enjoy the episode.  Determined to prove the she’s more than just the band’s groupie, Lorena enters Sharky’s dance contest.  Unfortunately, a series of events conspire against her and she’s forced to dance with the very unrhythmic Sly.  Fortunately, Lorena learns about the importance of friendship and, even more importantly, this episode sets up the foundation for what will become Lorena and Sly’s romance during Season 5.

There are more than a few memorable moments from this episode, from Lorena coldly dismissing all of her potential dance partners to Sly breaking out his spastic dance moves whenever the judges aren’t looking.  My favorite moment is Sly reading the subtitles and discovering what Lorena actually said to him.  (If you watch carefully, you can see Kelly Packard breaking character and laughing in the background.)  This was also the first episode to feature Tony and Sam performing Next Big Thing.  “He’s so funky!”

This episode is California Dreams at its best and it brings the fourth season to worthy close.

Episode 5.1 “Stand By Your Man”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 7th, 1996)

The fifth and final season of California Dreams was the best of the show’s history.  It not only gave the show a proper send-off but it also gave all of the members of the cast to show how much they had grown as actors since the show began.  By the end of the fifth and final season of the show, the cast had proven themselves to be the type of tight and talented ensemble that could wring laughs and tears from even the most predictable of situations.

You wouldn’t necessarily know that from watching the first episode of the fifth season, though.  In this episode, Jake needs money to fix his motorcycle and takes a job that requires him to dress up like a pirate for the local seafood restaurant.  When he tires of his friends laughing at his costume, Jake gets another job at a local garage.  The pay is good and Jake does like working on cars and motorcycles.  However, his boss is an attractive woman named Mel.  (I have a sister named Melissa who we call Mel.  Hi, Mely!)  Tiffani gets jealous and, for some reason, she decides that it would be a good idea for her, Sam, and Lorena to put on fake beards and pretend to be old bikers so they can hang out around the garage.  (*Sigh*  Wacky disguises were a staple on these shows and they never cease to be annoying.)  This leads to them knocking over a motorcycle and Jake getting fired.  Jake is furious with Tiffany, not because he lost his job but because she didn’t trust him.  Tiffani apologizes and Jake forgives her.  He then gets his old pirate job back.  Arrrrgh!

Meanwhile, Sly and Tony try to catch Mark doing something stupid so they can win a video contest.  However, it turns out that Mark is actually filming them for the same contest.  Ha ha.

You may be under the impression that this episode was not a favorite of mine and you’re right.  It’s not.  It’s just too silly and cartoonish, particularly when compared to some of the other season 5 episodes.  This is the first episode of the final season and it’s hard not to feel that there should have been a bit more to it than just wacky disguises and a pirate joke.

Oh well!  Things will get better next week, as we move further into the final season of California Dreams.

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson Episode 1.4 “Uppers and Downers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

The adventures of Rocky Nelson continue!

Episode 1.4 “Uppers and Downers”

(Dir by James Sheldon, originally aired on April 5th, 1985)

When a burglar alarm goes off in Beverly Hills, it’s Rocky Nelson (Joe Pesci) of Beverly Hills Patrol to the rescue!  Reaching the mansion of a local businessman (played by Cliff Gorman), Rocky discovers that the alarm was set off by a racoon.

(“A racoon is Beverly Hills!?” Gorman’s wife says, in a tone that suggests that racoons are unknown creatures in California.)

Rocky also happens to spot the next door neighbor (Nancy Stafford) leading her personal trainer into her house, whispering that she’s going to show him her bedroom.  At first, Rocky is amused but, later that day, Rocky hears that the personal trainer has been found, floating in Stafford’s swimming pool.  Stafford claims that the trainer had a heart attack while swimming but, upon arriving at the scene, Rocky immediately figures out that the trainer died in the house and was then dragged out to the pool.  Stafford swears that she didn’t kill him and Rocky believes her.  However, when the autopsy report reveals that the trainer was dead before he was put in the pool, Stafford is arrested and charged with murdering him by hitting him over the head.

Despite being told by his boss (Fred Williamson) to stay away from the case, Rocky feels that he has to prove Stafford’s innocence.  Rocky’s first plan is to have his associates, Kurt (Bubba Smith) and Beau (Dick Butkus), disguise themselves as mortuary attendants and steal the trainer’s body from the crematorium.  Rocky then takes the body to a coroner who does a second autopsy and discovers that not only did the trainer have a heart attack but that he was also poisoned!  Someone slipped the trainer a pill that was specifically designed to cause a heart attack.  Now, it’s up to Rocky to discover who that person was and clear Stafford’s name before Stafford’s husband (Brett Halsey, a veteran of Italian horror and spaghetti westerns) files for divorce.

Rocky deduces that the trainer was probably targeted by a jealous husband.  Rocky decides to disguise himself as a physical trainer so that he can get close to all of the dead man’s former clients.  How does Rocky prepare for this role?  He does calisthenics with his landlord, Dean Martin.  When Rocky mentions that he needs someone to determine whether or not his clients are lying to him, Dean Martin suggests that he steal a lie detector from the set of “Burt’s new film.”  (I’m guessing that Burt was a reference to Burt Reynolds, Dean’s co-star in two Cannonball Run films.)  Rocky promptly goes down to the studio backlot and steals a bunch of Burt Reynolds’s property.

(The backlot was a prominent and amusing part of the show’s pilot but it was ignored during last week’s episode.  I was glad to see it back for this episode because Dean Martin instructing Joe Pesci to steal Burt Reynolds’s lie detector will never not be amusing.)

Rocky meets with all of the dead trainer’s clients and tricks them into hooking themselves up to the lie detector by telling them that it’s a instrument that will check their heart rate.  Rocky discovers that any number of people could have wanted the trainer dead.  However, those of us in the audience already knows that Cliff Gorman is the murderer because we witnessed Gorman gloating about it earlier in the episode.  Rocky eventually figures it out as well and tricks Gorman into confessing by pretending to take one of the heart attack pills while driving Gorman around Beverly Hills.

Thanks to the visit to the studio lot and Dean Martin’s eccentric performance, this episode was an improvement on last week’s.  That said, it still suffered from the fact that the murder itself wasn’t that interesting (with Gorman’s ruthless businessman not getting much characterization beyond being evil).  Despite being second and third-billed in the opening credits, neither Victoria Jackson nor Fred Williamson got to do much in this episode and considering that both of those performers had their own unique and eccentric style, it feels like a bit of waste to just have them sitting in the office and uttering just a handful of lines per episode.  The main appeal of the show continues to be Joe Pesci, who brings a lot of streetwise charm to Rocky.  In the episodes that I’ve watched so far, Pesci is likable and engaging as Rocky and I think his performance would surprise a lot of people who are used to Pesci playing killers with hair-trigger tempers.  Rocky is smart and tough but ultimately rather friendly.  In his performance in Half Nelson, one can see hints of his later performance in The Irishman,  I just wish the rest of this show was as consistently good.

Next week: Joe Pesci faces off against John Saxon!  That sounds promising!  We’ll see how it goes.