Tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker features Melody Anderson and David James Elliott as, respectively, a veteran prostitute and a polite young man who seems to be the rare honest person that the guy with the lantern was always looking for. However, someone also happens to be killing men who talk to prostitutes.
This episode originally aired on November 18th, 1989.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Jennifer helps out when it looks like both Joey and Marc are about to get their hearts broken.
Episode 1.3 “Not With My Date You Don’t”
(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on November 4th, 1983)
I should start this review with an admission. Though every episode of Jennifer Slept Here has been uploaded to YouTube, some of the uploads are a bit better than others. That’s not the fault of the uploader. The uploader undoubtedly used the best copy of the third episode of Jennifer Slept Here that they had available. It’s just an acknowledgement that Jennifer Slept Here is a show that briefly aired 40 years ago and it’s doubtful that anyone, at that time, knew that a reviewer would need a good copy of the third episode to watch in 2023. The 3rd episode of the show is available on YouTube but the sound quality is a bit muddy and I often struggled to understand all of the dialogue. So, I’m just going to admit right now that I did the best that I could and if I misheard anything, I apologize.
As for the episode itself, it opens with Joey rehearsing asking out a classmate in front of his mirror. Jennifer materializes in a red dress that is to die for. Joey asks Jennifer where she’s going to go in that outfit and Jennifer says that she’s just going out. To be honest, Joey’s question is a good one because, seriously, where does Jennifer have to go? She’s a ghost!
When Jennifer finds out that Joey is feeling nervous about asking pretty blonde Linda (Viveka Davis) to go on a date with him, she decides to help him out by going to school with him. This makes sense because, as we all know, there’s nothing more attractive than a teenage boy who wanders around his school talking to himself. Anyway, with Jennifer’s encouragement, Joey asks out Linda but she informs him that she already has a date ….. WITH MARC (Glenn Scarpelli)! Marc is Joey’s annoying best friend.
Joey’s parents set him up with a blind date, who I think was named Eileen (Megan Daniels). At least now Joey can go on a double date to the movies with Marc and Linda. (Yeah, there’s no way that won’t be awkward.) However, Eileen turns out to be a punk rocker with multi-colored hair, who yells at the movie and totally embarrasses Joey in front of Marc, Linda, and Jennifer (who decides to tag along in ghost form). Eileen decides that the movie sucks and leaves. Linda asks Marc to go get her some more popcorn and, after he leaves, she immediately moves over to Marc and starts hitting on him. Jennifer is scandalized, saying that Linda has no morals.
Later, after the date, Joey is feeling pretty proud of himself when Marc suddenly shows up and accuses Joey of “stealing my girl.” This brings their friendship to an end. Yay! Seriously, Marc is a dork! Joey needed a better friend. Jennifer, however, is upset that Joey is allowing Linda — a girl with no morals! — come between him and his dorky friend.
The next day, in school, Jennifer decides to take actions into her own invisible ghost hands by grabbing Linda, shoving her up to the chalkboard, and then grabbing Linda’s hand and forcing her to write that she lied on the chalkboard. Apparently, the reason she lied was to get Joey to buy her tickets to a Rick Springfield concert but don’t quote me on that. This where that muddy soundtrack kicked in and made it difficult for me to follow all of the conversations. All I know that Jennifer forced Linda to write, “I lied” and then Jennifer added, “Springfield tickets” underneath Linda’s admission. So, that would suggest Linda either wanted to see Rick Springfield or maybe Dusty Springfield, depending on the depths of her musical knowledge. Or maybe she actually wrote Springsteen on the chalkboard. I really couldn’t tell. The important thing is that Joey dumps Linda for being dishonest and he and Marc are friends again.
Even when it came to the parts that I could understand, I wasn’t a huge fan of this episode, largely because I felt it was way too judgmental of Linda. I mean, really, the only thing that Linda did was flirt with a guy who she hoped would take her to a concert. It’s not like she was married to either Marc or Joey. In fact, she only went out with Marc once before hitting on Joey so it’s not like Linda was really even dating either one of them. Ann Jillian’s outfits were cute but this episode just didn’t work for me.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Youtube.
This week’s episode is all about bee keeping and the wages of sin!
Episode 1.3 “New York Honey”
(Dir by Gerald Cotts, originally aired on November 5th, 1988)
Actually, this episode felt kind of pointless. I usually try to come up with at least 500 words whenever I write a review but it’s going to be a struggle tonight.
Jay Blake (Lewis J. Stadlen) and his wife, Emerald (Elaine Bromka) live in an apartment in New York. Their new upstairs neighbor is a mysterious man named Dr. Homer Jimmerman (MacIntyre Dixon). Hardly anyone around the building ever sees Dr. Jimmerman but they definitely hear him moving around and working in his apartment. When Jay and Emerald get annoyed by the loud music coming from Dr. Jimmerman’s apartment, Jay heads upstairs to complain.
When Dr. Jimmerman opens the door to his apartment, Jay barges in and discovers that Dr. Jimmerman is keeping bees in his apartment, a clear violation of his lease. However, Jay gets one taste of the honey that the bees produce and he decides that, rather than evict Dr. Jimmerman, he wants to go into business with him. Dr. Jimmerman says that he doesn’t have enough honey to start selling it but Jay blackmails him into accepting Jay’s offer.
Rich people in New York love the honey and Jay finds himself falling for Dr. Jimmerman’s femme fatale of a girlfriend, Desiree (Andrea Thompson). Jay even sends Emerald to Dr. Jimmerman’s apartment so that he can get some alone time with Desiree. Desiree declares that there can only be one queen and suddenly, all of the bees attack Emerald and kill her. Desiree then explains to Jay that Dr. Jimmerman’s time has come to an end and now, Jay’s going to be the worker bee who gets to look after her needs. That’s right …. DESIREE IS ACTUALLY SOME SORT OF BEE CREATURE! Out the apartment window goes Jay.
And that’s pretty much the entire episode!
Seriously, there’s not much to say about New York Honey. From the minute that Desiree arrives, it’s obvious that she has a secret and that it is linked to all of the bees that Dr. Jimmerman is keeping in his apartment. It doesn’t take a genius to guess that her secret is going to somehow involve her being the “queen bee.” It’s also pretty easy to guess that Jay is eventually going to go out that window because Jay is such a smarmy character that there’s no way he isn’t going to end up getting tossed out a window. Such are the wages of sin and all that. Andrea Thompson gives a good performance as Desiree the Bee Lady but otherwise, this episode was way too predictable.
How many words is that? 503? That’ll work!
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, Bruce Weitz gives a strong performance as a man who abandons his family for a stripper and then finds himself haunted by a man that he ran over in his car. A guilty conscience cannot be escaped.
This episode originally aired on November 10th, 1989.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This cruise is all about deception! Welcome aboard, it’s love!
Episode 3.12 “The Brotherhood of the Sea/Letter to Babycakes/Daddy’s Pride”
(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)
Julie’s birthday is coming up and the crew is planning to throw her a surprise party. However, to keep Julie from catching on to what they’re planning, Doc, Gopher, and Isaac decide that they need to keep her occupied. They tell her that they are all member of the “The Brotherhood of the Sea” and that they’re now prepared to make Julie a member as well.
Somehow, Julie falls for this very obvious lie and she spends almost the entire cruise doing all of the silly activities that Doc, Gopher, and Isaac have set up for her. As I watched this, I found myself wondering if maybe Julie had somehow forgotten when her birthday was because, seriously, it couldn’t have been any more obvious what Doc, Gopher, and Isaac were doing. Even worse, Julie gets so busy trying to join the Brotherhood of the Sea that she neglects her latest romantic partner, Rory Daniels (Christopher Connelly).
It’s time that we just face facts. Until Julie gets off that boat, she’s never going to find the husband that she always says that she’s looking for. The Boat pretty much dominates Julie’s life and there’s no way that her male co-workers are ever going to stop out of the way and allow Julie to find any sort of happiness. It’s an interesting dynamic and I think it’s one that’s familiar to any woman who has worked with mostly male co-workers. On the one hand, the ground you walk on is worshipped. On the other hand, they don’t ever want to let you go.
While Julie is trying to join the Brotherhood of the Sea, Olympic gymnast Penny Barrett (Nancy McKeon) just wants to hang out with Kevin (Stephen Manley), a passenger who is her own age. Unfortunately, Penny’s father (Alex Cord) is also her coach and he wants her to devote all of her time, even her time on the Boat, to training. Poor Penny! Seriously, back when my whole life was about going to dance class, I met so many people like Penny, whose parents basically lived their entire lives through them and never allowed them to have a childhood. I was glad my parents supported me but didn’t pressure me.
Finally, wealthy Bart (Demon Wilson) boards the ship with his girlfriend, Tracy (Telma Hopkins), and his assistant, Wally (Jimmie Walker). After Bart meets Ginger (Sydney Goldsmith), he decides that he wants to cheat on Tracy and he expects Wally to help him pull it off by keeping Tracy busy while Bart goes off with Ginger. Needless to say this leads to Tracy and Wally falling in love. Ha! Take that, Bart! This storyline would have been a bit more interesting if the two leads actors weren’t so boring in their roles.
This was a so-so cruise but at least Julie knows where she stands now.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Gun welcomes …. JAMES GANDOLFINI!
Episode 1.3 “Columbus Day”
(Dir by James Steven Sadwith, originally aired on May 3rd, 1997)
The third episode of Gun does indeed features James Gandolfini. Gandolfini play Walter Difideli, who seems to have quite a bit in common with Gandolfini’s best-known character. Like Tony Soprano, Walter is proud of his Italian heritage, loudly discussing the superiority of men like Amerigo Vespucci and Christopher Columbus. Walter makes it a point to stay home on Columbus Day so that he can properly celebrate. Like Tony, Walter boasts about how he will always take care of his family and he also has something of a quick temper. And, like Tony, Walter keeps a gun around the house.
However, there are a few differences as well. For one thing, Walter is firmly on the side of law and order. Unlike Tony, who lived in a mansion and never worried about the legality of his activities. Walter is very honest and, as a result, he and his family live in a crappy apartment. Another big difference between Walter and Tony is that, while Tony always had a mistress, Walter is loyal to his wife, Lilly (Rosanna Arquette). Walter is not one to cheat. The only cheating in the marriage is done by his wife.
Walter works for TSA at an airport. One day, he helps to chase down a terrorist. Before the terrorist is captured, he tosses his gun — the Gun of the show’s title — into a janitor’s cart. When the janitor later comes across the gun, he sells it to Walter for $50.
Walter wants Lilly to have a gun because he’s taking an extra job at night so that he can raise enough money to afford ballet lessons for their daughter and an engagement ring for his wife. (When they were engaged, he could never afford to get her a ring.) Lilly is unhappy about Walter refusing to let her work and instead expecting her to spend all of her time around the apartment. But then Lilly meets one of her neighbors, a writer named Jack Keyes (Peter Horton). Soon, she and Jack are having a passionate affair, one that inspires Jack to write a less-than-flattering shorty story called The Tryst.
Meanwhile, the terrorist’s collaborator wants to get the gun back and, after he finds out that Walter has it, he starts harassing Walter at work and later at his apartment. The nervous Walter starts to carry around the gun with him. When Lilly, upset over Jack’s short story, deletes all of his files from his laptop, the angry Jack goes down to Lilly’s apartment and kicks open the door. What he doesn’t know is that Walter is waiting on the other side of the door, with his gun. Jack ends up dead. Walter is declared a hero for protecting his home. Lilly submits Jack’s short story under her name and it gets published. And the terrorist …. well, he’s just kind of forgotten about.
This was an unsatisfying episode, one that ended with a few too many loose ends still dangling. (At one point, it’s revealed that Jack secretly films his encounters with Lilly but it’s one of those plot points that goes nowhere.) An even bigger problem was that there really wasn’t anyone in this episode who seemed worthy of being the center of a story. Walter was a hopelessly naïve blowhard. Lilly cheated on her devoted husband and never appeared to feel the least bit of guilt about it, even after Walter gunned down her lover. Jack was a jerk but it’s hard not to feel that he deserved better than to have his life’s work deleted by the whiny Lilly. The performances were all good but none of the characters seemed to be worth the effort.
Still, for James Ganolfini fans, this episode does provide a bit of a dry run for Gandolfini’s legendary performance as Tony Soprano. Imagine a world where Tony is a complete dunce and you’ll probably come up with this episode of Gun.
In tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a track coach (Charles Haid) is freaking out over the prospect of his son (Jonathan Crombie) breaking his 25 year-old track record. The coach ends up taking things to extreme to try to preserve his record.
This episode features a ferocious performance from Charles Haid, who plays the coach as every high school student’s worst nightmare. This episode has a lot to say about both the strange rituals of athletic competitiveness and how some people are so scared of getting old that they’ll go to any extreme to hold on to their accomplishments of youth.
The episode aired on September 30th, 1989.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!
This week, Fantasy Island swings!
Episode 3.19 “The Swinger/Terrors of the Mind”
(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 9th, 1980)
This week, we have one fun fantasy and one fantasy that’s a bit less interesting.
The less interesting fantasy features Herman Dodge (Howard Morris), a middle-aged man who is upset because he feels that he was too old to take part in the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s. Having just gotten a divorce from Maxine (Anne Francis), Herman comes to the Island with his best friend, Stan (Jack Carter). Herman wants to be a swinger so Mr. Roarke makes him look a few years younger and then he takes him to the “Fantasy Island Mariana, where all the swingers hang out.”
Looks like a happening place!
Herman is soon the most popular guy at the marina and he even has a new girlfriend named Peggy (Judy Landers). Unfortunately, Duke (Lou Richards) and his friend, Hot Dog (Ed Ruffalo), are threatened by Herman’s sudden popularity. Herman is challenged to various “water sports,” (yes, I snickered) and Herman manages to hold his own but he’s not sure if he’ll be able to jump over a speedboat while on skis. Fortunately, Maxine shows up on the Island and Herman realizes that he not only loves her but he also enjoys being a part of the older, more conservative generation.
It’s a typical Fantasy Island fantasy, designed to appeal to the older viewers who weren’t sure what was going on with those wild and crazy kids. It was okay but it wasn’t particularly interesting.
Far more interesting was the other fantasy, in which Sharon Sanders (Lisa Hartman) comes to the Island from a small town and asks to be given the chance to see the future. Mr. Roarke gives her a diamond ring. When she concentrates on the diamond, she gets a vision of the future. Her first vision is of Martin Ward (Frankie Avalon) getting run over by a drunk driver. Sharon saves Martin’s life and the two of them fall in love. The Fantasy Island casino makes one of its rare appearances as Sharon uses the ring to win a lot of money at Roulette. But then Sharon sees a vision of an older man (Stephen McNally) strangling her and the fantasy is no longer fun.
Sharon wants to leave the Island and end her fantasy. Mr. Roarke replies that he cannot cancel a fantasy once it has begun, despite the fact that he’s done or offered to do that many times in the past for other guests. (I sometimes suspect that Mr. Roarke makes things up as he goes along.)
Anyway, the older man turns out to be the owner of the casino. He wants to murder Sharon because he can’t afford to pay her gambling winnings. Fortunately, when he does attack Sharon, Martin pops up out of nowhere and saves her life. Yay!
(So, I guess the casino is going to be closed now? And I thought Mr. Roarke owned the casino. Who knows? The Island is a confusing place.)
Sharon, having learned that the world is a dangerous place, returns to her hometown with Martin. Martin says they’re going to settle down together. Mr. Roarke says that he hopes Sharon has learned a lesson about taking fate into her own hands and not worrying about what the future holds, which doesn’t make much sense considering that Sharon’s future would have included being murdered if she hadn’t worried about it.
Though the fantasy becomes less logical the more I think about it, it was still an enjoyable one. Lisa Hartman and Frankie Avalon had a surprising amount of chemistry and the scene where the killer chased Sharon into a cemetery was well-done. I’m just happy that Martin was there to save Sharon, as opposed to hanging out at the Fantasy Island Marina.
That’s where all the swingers hang out, you know.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Fay’s sister comes to visit!
Episode 1.3 “Fay & Ivy”
(Dir by Christopher Leitch, originally aired on March 13th, 1992)
The third episode of Nightmare Café opens with a young woman named Ivy (played by Molly Parker) coming to the big city with her boyfriend, Jesse (Peter Outerbridge). Ivy is totally excited to be in the big city because she thinks that she’s going to finally track down her older sister. Ivy’s sister left home ten years ago and Ivy isn’t even sure what she looks like. However, for ten years straight, Ivy’s sister sent her letters about how great life in the city was. The last of her sister’s letters invited Ivy to come out to the city herself.
Jesse is a bit less excited about the prospect of finding Ivy’s sister. In fact, Jesse is a bit of a controlling jerk who “accidentally” drops one of the letters while he and Ivy are getting off the train. Jesse is coming to the big city so that he can find new ways to make money, like robbing a convenience store while the clueless Ivy waits outside.
As for the dropped letter, it’s picked up by Robert Englund’s Blackie, who reads the letter, has a good laugh, and then speaks straight to the audience. Blackie informs us that Ivy’s sister is Fay and that Fay probably doesn’t even remember inviting Ivy to come see her.
As Blackie puts it: “I wonder if she remembers issuing this invitation. She’d just as soon forget. You suppose the café will let her forget? I don’t.”
And, sure enough, Ivy and Jesse eventually end up in the Nightmare Café. were Fay is the waitress and Frank is the cook. Fay, who earlier was saying that she felt like there was still some things in her former life that she needed to take care of, is shocked to see Ivy. For her part, Ivy doesn’t recognize Fay. And, for Jesse’s part, he gets upset when Fay starts asking Ivy too many questions about her life back home. Jesse grabs Ivy and the two of them leave the café.
Frank leaves the café to search for Ivy and Jesse, saying that he’s getting bored with being stuck in the building. (In a mildly amusing subplot, the café actually gets offended by Frank’s comments and requires Frank to apologize before he’s allowed to later reenter the building.) Ivy and Jesse, meanwhile, end up in a tattoo parlor where Jesse gets a tattoo from none other than Blackie himself. (Robert Englund appears to be having a ball playing a tattoo artist.)
As for Fay, she uses the cafe’s phone to call her mother. When Fay identifies herself, her mother (Penny Fuller) refuses to believe that Fay is calling. Fay, realizing that her mother has never forgiven her for leaving home, tells her mom that Ivy is in the city and that she’s in trouble. Fay then has what appears to be a café-inspired hallucination in which she finds herself talking to her mother face-to-face and the two of them discuss their strained relationship. It’s a touching scene, well-played by Penny Fuller and Lindsay Frost.
In the end, everyone ends up back at the café. Jesse returns to the café to try to rob it and he drags Ivy (who now knows that Fay is her sister) with her. Frank returns to the café with Ivy’s mother, who says that she came to the city after having a weird dream in which Fay called her to tell her that Ivy was in trouble. Finally, Blackie shows up so that he can zap Jesse into the back of a police car.
With Jesse gone, Fay, Ivy, and their mother have a cup of coffee. While declining to mention that she’s actually dead, Fay does say that it’s a bit too late for her to fix her relationship with her mother. But there’s still time for her mom and Ivy to talk and get to know each other. Ivy and her mom, for their part, both think that Fay left home and disappeared because she works for the federal government.
This was kind of a sad episode, really. Fay wants to heal her relationship with both her mother and her sister but, in the end, she’s forced to accept that she’s dead and they’re not. Fay and Frank can help people live better lives but their own lives are pretty much over and they’re going to spend an eternity in the Nightmare Café.
I liked this episode, which was considerably more straight-forward in its storytelling approach than the previous two. What it lack in surreal imagery, it made up for in genuine emotion.
Next week, the café helps a dying detective sold one last murder!
Tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker depicts what happens with a greedy woman (Stephanie Zimbalist) attempts to force her Vietnam vet brother out of the house that has been his only sanctuary from all the troubles of the world. Needless to say, things do not go well.
This episode originally aired on September 16th, 1989.
Through the Shattered Lens