Guilty Pleasure No. 29: On The Line (dir by Eric Bross)

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as I watched Dead 7, I could not help but think about the 2001 film, On The Line. Don’t get me wrong, On The Line does not feature any zombies and there’s next to no violence. However, much like Dead 7, it does feature quite a few boy banders. In fact, with the exception of JC Chasez, every member of *NSYNC makes an appearance in On The Line. Lance Bass stars in the movie. Joey Fatone plays his best friend. Finally, at the end of the film, in a scene that is so homophobic that it practically screams 2001, Justin Timberlake and Chris Kirkpatrick show up as a flamboyant makeup artist and an even more flamboyant hairstylist.

Lance plays Kevin, a shy and somewhat nerdy advertising exec who lives in Chicago. Kevin falls in love easily but he’s always been too shy to have a serious relationship. One day, Kevin is returning home from work on the train when he starts talking to Abbey (Emanuelle Chriqui). It turns out that they both love the Chicago Cubs and Al Green! (Oh my God! Who would have guessed that two people living in Chicago would both love the local sports team!?) It also turns out that both Kevin and Abbey can name all the Presidents in order! Obviously, they are meant to be! The universe arranged for them to both be on the train at the same time so that they can get married, have children, and discuss the presidency of Rutherford Hayes while watching the Cubs and listening to Al Green.

Unfortunately, despite being a single guy who has just totally hit it off with a single girl who is obviously attracted to him, Kevin forgets to get her phone number. The movie explains this by saying that Kevin is shy but if he’s so shy that he can’t even give out his phone number then how did he ever find the courage to tell Abbey that he loves Al Green in the first place?

(Actually, Abbey isn’t really single but her fiancée is such a jerk that she might as well be. Anyone who has ever seen a movie knows that Abbey is not meant to marry a guy who spends all of his time on the phone, yelling, “Sell! Sell!”)

Of course, if Kevin had gotten her phone number, there wouldn’t have been a movie. So, instead, he recruits his loser friends (including Joey Fatone) to help him track down Abbey. He puts up flyers all over Chicago. A story about him appears in the newspaper. Soon, the entire city is obsessed with whether or not Kevin will find this girl that he talked to for ten minutes. However, Abbey apparently never watches TV or reads the newspaper because somehow, she doesn’t know all of this is going on…

There’s an interesting subtext to On The Line. Lance Bass himself produced the film. Five years after On The Line flopped at the box office, Lance officially came out as gay (and, it must be said, that whenever Kevin talks to Abbey, he comes across less like a future lover and more like every girl’s ideal gay best friend). Lance has said that he was still deeply closeted when he made On The Line and there are times when the film seems to be almost desperate to convince us of Kevin’s (and, by association, Lance’s) heterosexuality. In this context, that end credits scene with Chris and Justin, limp-wristed and speaking in exaggerated falsetto, is even ickier. “Gay?” the film says to be saying, “If there was a gay person in On The Line, would Justin Timberlake be playing a makeup artist? Would Chris Kirkpatrick be willing to appear as a hairdresser named Angelo?”

On The Line is not a particularly good film and yet, oddly, it’s one that I always find myself watching whenever I come across it on cable. Lance may be miscast and he’s obviously uncomfortable in the majority of his scenes but he’s also likable. You never believe for a second that Kevin and Abbey will last as a couple but Lance seems like a nice guy and Emmanuelle Chriqui is so pretty that you’re happy that they at least got to go on a date or two before breaking up and never seeing each other again. They’re both pretty and it’s fun to watch pretty people talk to each other, even if they do lack a certain romantic chemistry. As well, though his character is pretty obnoxious, Joey Fatone is still always fun to watch.

On The Line is no Dead 7 but it’s still watchable in its own stupid way. I would suggest, however, skipping the end credits

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 28: Swimfan (dir by John Polson)

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh my God, y’all — Swimfan was on last night!

Do you remember Swimfan? It originally came out in 2002 and it starred Jesse Bradford, the hot guy from Bring It On, and Erika Christensen, the drug addicted runaway from Traffic. The movie is like a high school version of Fatal Attraction. Jesse swims for the high school swim team. Erika is a psycho stalker who is obsessed with swimmers. Chaos follows.

I was on a high school date when I first saw Swimfan. Fortunately, the movie offered up some very important life lessons.

Probably the film’s most important lesson was that you should always put out because, if you don’t, your dumbass boyfriend is going to end up cheating on you with some psycho bitch who is going to go all obsessive on his ass and end up framing him for murder. When Swimfan starts, Ben (Jesse Bradford!) is dating Amy (Shiri Appleby) and they’re a cute couple but Amy is more into studying and planning for the future than in having sex with Ben.

So, of course, Ben ends up cheating on her with the new girl at school, Madison Bell (Erika Christensen). He does this despite the fact that Madison is obviously unbalanced from the minute that he meets her, has a major case of the crazy eyes, and tends to come across as being a little bit robotic. It’s only one night and Ben says that he feels terrible about it but Madison still decides that Ben is her man now.

It all leads to this scene:

(I have to admit that the artful placement of the camera in this scene makes me laugh every time. The filmmakers were obviously really determined to get that PG-13 rating. Also, just a little tip — if you’re taking nudes for your man, try smiling.)

When Ben keeps rejecting her, Madison conspires to get him kicked off the swim team. She also kills the swimmer who takes Ben’s place on the team and frames Ben for the crime. (The exact same thing happened to Michael Phelps but you never hear about it because all the media wants to talk about is that time he got his picture taken at that party.) And then she tries to kill Amy and, the movie tells us, this all could have been avoided if only Amy hadn’t spent so much time worrying about which college to go to. Keep your man happy, girls, the movie tells us, or be prepared to deal with the consequences. Boys will be boys!

The other life lesson is that you should really learn how to swim. Since this movie is called Swimfan and it features a gigantic subplot about swimming, you can already guess that it’s all going to end with a big fight in a pool. Ben can swim. Madison and Amy can’t. Can you guess what happens? Watching Swimfan last night reminded me that I still need to learn how to swim. Thank you, Swimfan!

Anyway, Swimfan is definitely a guilty pleasure. I mean, if you want to get technical about it, this is a really, really bad movie. The plot is derivative of every single stalker thriller that you’ve ever seen. Jesse Bradford is pretty good but Erika Christensen appears to be in a daze. And yet, whenever I see that it’s on, I can’t help but watch it. Some of it, of course, is because Swimfan appeals to the same nostalgia that still causes me to sing …Baby One More Time, at the top of my lungs, whenever I’m driving home despite the fact that Britney’s later songs are so much better. But beyond the nostalgia appeal, Swimfan is just so ludicrous and silly and over the top. How can you not be a fan of Swimfan?

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 27: Sex Decoy: Love Stings

Posted on October 7, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First off, a tweet from five years ago:

Has anyone seen this Love Decoy show on Fox Reality? OMG, I watched a bit earlier today. So bad and so funny..

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) January 2, 2010

I cannot begin to put into words just how much I miss the Fox Reality Channel! From 2005 until it went off the air in 2010, Fox Reality was the channel to go to if you wanted to watch some of television’s greatest guilty pleasures. It was all reality tv all the time, a mix of original programming with reruns of shows like The Amazing Race, American Idol, Hell’s Kitchen, and about a hundred different dating shows. Occasionally, they would devote an entire weekend to showing just one show and I have many fond memories of binge watching Paradise Hotel on Fox Reality.

Fox Reality also showed its share of cheap original programming as well, including today’s guilty pleasure. If you were watching the Fox Reality Channel in 2009 (as I was and I have the tweets to prove it), there’s a good chance that you saw this commercial:

Now, of course, after seeing that commercial, you probably said, “Oh my God, I have to watch this show! I mean, it says ‘sex’ right there in the title so it has to be good!”

So, you tuned into the Fox Reality Channel and, after sitting through the last 15 minutes of a rerun of The Rebel Billionaire: Richard Branson’s Quest For The Best, you watched Sex Decoy: Love Stings.

Fortunately, just in case you were unsure about what you were about to watch, the opening credits explained the whole concept behind this “reality” show:

All 8 episodes of Love Stings started out the same way, with Arizona P.I. Sandra Hope talking about how worried she is about her three daughters: Kashmir, Jasmine, and Xanadu. It upsets Sandra that all three of them dislike her nerdy boyfriend and business partner, Tom. It also upsets Sandra that all three of her daughters work as strippers whenever they are running low on funds. (But, if Sandra is so worried about all of her daughters becoming strippers, why did she give them all stereotypical stripper names? That’s what I’ve always wondered…) Then the daughters show up and make fun of Tom and complain that Sandra doesn’t treat them like adults…

It’s probably around this time that you, the viewer, came to realize that Sex Decoy: Love Stings was obviously an attempt to create a hybrid of Cheaters and Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Much like the Kardashians, Sex Decoy was obviously scripted. However, Sandra and her daughters made Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and even Kris look like Oscar-winning thespians by comparison. Sandra, in particular, had an amazingly robotic voice. Her dialogue and her interactions with Tom and her daughters were so lacking in emotion and spontaneity that they became odd portraits of existential dread. And when Sandra robotically talked about how much money she made by exposing cheaters, it almost felt as if we were watching one of Jean-Luc Godard’s experimental attacks on capitalism.

Anyway, after each episode’s family crisis had been set up, we would then meet this week’s client and get around to exposing their mate as being a cheater. This, of course, involved a lot of secret cameras and a sex decoy who would be brought in to seduce the cheater while the client watched in a nearby trailer. (Often times, Sandra would use her own daughters as the decoy which was kind of icky. A running subplot, throughout the series, was that Kashmir felt she was never properly used as a decoy and, as a result, would threaten to go back to stripping.) The client, naturally, would often get very upset and eventually, the cheater would end up being confronted while the cameras rolled.

And again, what made this so fascinating was the total inability of Sandra or her daughters to show any hint of human emotion. The client would get upset and start yelling. The cheater would try to talk his way out of it and occasionally beg for forgiveness. Meanwhile, Sandra and the daughters would watch and say things like, “He. Is. A. Cheater.” It was almost as if they were aliens sent down to Earth to expose cheaters.

Each show would end with Sandra, Tom, and the daughters doing some sort of family activity. Sandra would often brag that Sex Decoy was a family business but, being a robot, it always came out as, “After. All. We. Are. A. Family. Business.”

It was seriously just so strange to watch and that strangeness made it the epitome of a guilty pleasure. Sadly, Fox Reality is gone but Sex Decoy lives on! You can watch every episode on Hulu. And, fortunately, there’s only 8 of them so, right when the novelty of the show starts to wear off, it’s over!

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 26: Project Greenlight

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Project Greenlight may be the most guiltiest pleasure to be found on television right now.

The show, which is currently airing its fourth season on HBO, was one of the earliest reality shows. The concept behind the show is deceptively simple. Every season, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have held an online competition for aspiring filmmakers. The winner of the contest gets to direct a feature film, with the understanding that there will be TV cameras present to record every decision, argument, and screw up. At the end of the season, the film is released and hopefully, a major new filmmaker is discovered.

The pleasure part is obvious. If you’re like me and you love movies, there’s no way you can’t be fascinated by the chance to go behind-the-scenes of an actual production. It’s always fun to watch as the director struggles to maintain his (so far, all of the directors have been male) vision against the whims of studio execs who, often time, seem to be annoyed by the director’s very existence.

As for me, I’ve always been fascinated by the casting process. (Don’t believe me? Check out this post that I wrote about The Godfather. And then check out this one too!) My favorite part of Project Greenlight is always the episode that deals with the casting. I love seeing who auditions, who gets turned down, and who decides that they want nothing to do with the film. It’s a lot of fun!

As for the guilty part of this guilty pleasure, it comes from knowing that a show like this thrives on conflict. As much as Ben and Matt may say that they are only interested in selecting the most talented director, it’s also obvious that the director they pick has to make for good television. If production on the film goes smoothly, that’s good for the film but it’s not necessarily good for the show. That’s just the truth when it comes to reality television.

Hence, watching Project Greenlight always leads to conflicting emotions. On the one hand, you want the movie to turn out to be a good movie. You want the director to be up to the task. On the other hand, you’re specifically watching this show to watch the director screw up and make mistakes and piss people off and get into fights. Gossip lovers that we are, we love the behind the scenes drama but it’s rare that drama actually leads to a good film.

Check out Project Greenlight‘s track record.

Season 1 started way back in 2001! (Both this season and season 2 are available on DVD and I recommend checking out both of them.) The winner was Pete Jones, a friendly nonentity who went on to direct the extremely forgettable Stolen Summer. There was a lot of behind-the-scenes conflict, mostly due to a clash of personality between certain members of the crew. From the minute the season started, it was obvious that Pete was a nice guy but essentially in over his head. And, in many ways, Season 1 taught viewers an important lesson: when it comes to the film industry, nice guys get screwed.

However, as chaotic as season 1 may have been, it was nothing compared to what happened in 2003 when season 2 aired! Whenever anyone wants to make the argument that Ben and Matt purposefully pick directors who are totally wrong for whatever film is being made, they usually point to season 2. Season 2 featured the directing team of Kyle Rankin and Efram Potelle directing The Battle of Shaker Heights. The Battle of Shaker Heights was supposed to be a quirky coming-of-age dramedy and a character study, so, of course, Ben and Matt selected two directors who were apparently incapable of human emotion. And the end result was pure chaos!

Now, I will say a few things in Kyle and Efram’s defense. When you watch season 2, the overriding theme is that these two directors totally ruined a great script. Just in case we missed that, the show even featured screenwriter Erica Beeney complaining that these two directors were totally ruining her great script. Well, sorry — the script for Battle of Shaker Heights was never that good to begin with. (“It’s about this kid — Kelly — who is really pissed off,” Erica would tell us at the beginning of every episode, as if she was the first person to ever write about a kid who was really pissed off.) I doubt anyone could have made a good movie out of that script. Picking two directors who were so totally wrong for the material only served to compound the inherent suckiness of the material.

Season 2 has got a true train wreck appeal to it. It’s one of those things that you watch with horrified fascination. (Incidentally, Shia LaBeouf is heavily featured in season 2 and I have to say that he fits right in.)

The third season of Project Greenlight aired in 2005. It was broadcast on Bravo and it’s unique in that it actually featured a good director (John Gulager) making a reasonably successful film (Feast). As such, it doesn’t quite work as a guilty pleasure because, from the minute Gulager starts directing, you don’t feel any guilt about watching him. Instead, the most interesting part of the third season comes early on when a bitchy casting director continually tries (and succeeds) at sabotaging Gulager’s attempts to get a cast with whom he feels comfortable.

(Season 3 has never been released on DVD but, the last time I checked, it was available on YouTube.)

After that third season, Project Greenlight went away for a while but now, 10 years later, it’s back! It has returned to HBO and, after three episodes, it’s starting to look like this season may be the guiltiest and most pleasurable of all! Ben and Matt were producing a comedy called Not Another Pretty Woman this time around. (Pete Jones even returned to write the script.) Not Another Pretty Woman has been described as being a broad comedy. So, of course, they selected Jason Mann, an extremely intense elitist film snob. One of the first things that Jason Mann did was try to fire Pete Jones and replace him with the screenwriter of that well-known comedy, Boys Don’t Cry. When that didn’t work, Mann abandoned Not Another Pretty Woman and instead requested to make a film called The Leisure Class instead. And, amazingly enough, he got HBO Films to agree, which means that either nobody had any faith in Pete Jones or everyone has total faith in Jason Mann!

Will that faith be rewarded or will The Leisure Class be another Battle of Shaker Heights? Will Jason Mann be another John Gulager or will he fade into the same obscurity in which Efram Potelle and Kyle Rankin currently reside?

As of right now, I don’t know.

But I can’t wait to find out!

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Fall is Back and so is new TV!

Posted on September 20, 2015 by paddiesthoughts

Finally, we get to the fall season! Cooler temps, the sun sets earlier, the leaves change to beautiful colors! And you know what that means? Real TV is back! We are done with the summer “reality crap” No more of ‘How do I magic this’ or ‘Network burns off this show’ or ‘my Big Brother watches this house’. We get real TV back! The TV I want to watch. And they are several Shows I have set my DVR for.

I will take these in order of the day they show on, and full disclosure, I have seen a couple of the pilots, I will note them if I have.

Monday:

We all know “Gotham” is coming back with it’s new season, ‘Rise of the villains.’ I have not seen the screener for “Gotham” but the trailer looks awesome!

Also, on Monday, Fox will premier it’s new show “Minority Report” based on the Steven Spielberg movie of the same name. I have seen this pilot and although I try to give each show a four episode test…don’t bother.

But if you must look, here is a glimpse ..

Tuesday

Tuesdays are going to be way over loaded this year! We got “Scream Queens” and “The Muppets” (as of this writing, I have only seen the screener for “The Muppets,” which is hilarious!) I will have to watch “Scream Queens” live with you!

But the trailers are here;

“Scream Queens“

And

“The Muppets“

Wednesday:

The reboot of “Rosewood” is here! Ok, I have to admit, I loved the original series and I have seen the pilot of the reboot. Against the popular opinion, I actually thought it was a great pilot reboot! Judge for yourself!

Thursday:

“Heroes;Reborn“

Heroes was great during season one, But let’s not forget what happened during season two and the writers strike!

I want “Heroes” to be the success it was before.

Like it or not…you can be reborn here.

That was just a little of what I will cover this fall!

Remember, TV is great!

TV news you can use

Posted on June 13, 2015 by paddiesthoughts

Just my thoughts for PTV you can use.

You all remember what happened in early May, right? All the broadcast networks presented their shiney new shows for advertisers, in something called the ‘upfronts’. They gave us their schedules, what will be airing when….*record scratch* Wait, What? Only four weeks later every thing has changed!

Let’s start with ABC.

At the up fronts, ABC had “Of Kings and Prophets” airing in their 10 pm East/ 9 Central Sunday time-slot-of-death. (Remember 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, The Gates, American Crime, Revenge? Yeah, me neither) But according to TVline, ABC has pulled “Of Kings and Prophets” for a re-cast, which, in my opinion, will mean a never air. (http://tvline.com/2015/06/02/abc-fall-schedule-quantico-sunday-replaces-kings-and-prophets//) Now “Quantico” which has had its own problems will move into the Sunday time-slot-of-death was originally scheduled to be Tuesday at 10 East/ 9 Central

And NBC:

Well, we were all looking forward to Melissa Georges’ heart wrenching “Heartbreakers” (sorry for the pun!) But NBC has decided to move up another Dick Wolf show in “Chicago Med.” (Okay, seriously! I am moving to Chicago and getting me a job in the PD, FD or Med field!) I digress, NBC has replaced “Heartbreakers” with “Chicago Med” on Tuesday nights, either show will get a significance bump from “The Voice” lead in. (http://deadline.com/2015/06/heartbreaker-pushed-melissa-george-pregnant-chicago-med-fall-launch-nbc-1201438347/)

For FOX and CBS, let’s give them credit! So far they have stuck with their schedules. For now…all schedules are subject to change!

In get your streaming news together:

Orange Is The New Black got released a bit early; not like the orange jump suit prisoners in New York! According to Variety and other sources, you can get out of jail early, or at least watch #OITNB early!

Arrested Development! According to HitFlix, (http://netflixlife.com/2015/06/02/report-arrested-development-season-5-to-hit-netflix-in-2016/) new episodes will be released in 2016…I only have one thing to say, Arrested Development!

In casting news:

Heroes: Reborn

Okay, I might be a lot excited about this show! But in fairness to me, I loved Heroes! But in the news, according to TVLine (http://tvline.com/2015/06/10/heroes-reborn-cast-cristine-rose-returning-angela-petrelli/) Cristine Rose will be reprising her role as Angela Petrelli. and I could not be happier.

Now, Daredevil

Yes, yes, YES! Not only will Vincent D’ be back, but according to CNN and other reports, (http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/09/entertainment/punisher-daredevil-walking-dead-jon-bernthal-feat/) Jon Bernthal (The Walking Dead
) will join the cast! Ok, I might be a little excited about Shane and his killing prowess!

In Memoriam this week.

I hope I do not have to do this often!

Lisa paid an amazing tribute to one of the all time greats, Christopher Lee this week! So saddened by his passing! (https://unobtainium13.com/2015/06/12/christopher-lee-r-i-p/)

But let’s not forget Ron Moody, can Fagin ever be played again the way Ron did? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWlHquk8si4) His interpretation of Fagin always leaves me breathless! Not what Charles Dickens did, but what Ron did with Fagin! How he transformed a character!

And Ornette Coleman
The only thing I can say about this amazing man is what he said about himself…”I don’t want to get paid, I just want to get heard, that is why I am broke”!

And I will be back next week with another news round up!

All about porn. Disaster porn!

Posted on May 28, 2015 by pantsukudasai56

Yeah, even I’m not gonna drag this blog down to the furthest depths. I’ll leave that up to Lisa Marie, with her most recent review of Showgirls! I really should link that, but been drinking, so that’s way too much work. But yeah, she watched it, reviewed it, seriously, go read it. Terrible movie, but I’ll bet she made it sound better than it was. She’s awesome like that.

No, what I’m trying to write about is the genre of movie known as disaster porn. The first example that most people have been aware of is most likely the movie The Day After Tomorrow. While a fun disaster porn flick, it was incredibly heavy handed with its environmental bullcrap message. But all disaster porn movies have that.

Why am I talking about this at all? Well, tomorrow (or really tonight if you’re one of thems that watches movies on their early night showings) is the premier of San Andreas, starring The Rock. If he doesn’t wind up punching the earthquake and saving California by flexing a lot, then I’ll be sorely disappointed.

Anyways, I’m gonna go see that tomorrow, and I know that my usual movie guy, site founder Arleigh, isn’t going to have seen it by then. Since it’s unlikely to have been reviewed, I feel that it’s really required to share a spoof of the disaster porn movies with everyone. I know for sure that Arleigh has posted this parody trailer, but with his urging, I am going to repost it.

This trailer is done to spoof the disaster porn of all disaster porn movies, 2012. In fact, it’s called 2012: It’s a Disaster!!! I’d honestly say that this trailer is better than the actual movie, and I think many people would agree with me. At any rate, Arleigh posted this very same trailer several years ago, but we both agreed that it’s worth reposting in anticipation of the Rock’s very own disaster porn movie. So, please enjoy this video, with it’s plane disaster, train disaster, whole city disaster, landmark disaster, rolling buildings, yay spaceships? YAY SPACESHIPS! Flying Bentleys, jumbo jet surfing, hell we’ll even forgive the ridiculousness of seeing a black president. Because that’s just plain lunacy! For sure, let’s celebrate awesome disaster porn with this trailer, and look forward to seeing the Rock grab an earthquake by the neck and plant it into the turf. ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM!!!

Guilty Pleasure No. 25: From Justin to Kelly (dir by Robert Iscove)

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

There’s a lot of reasons why a movie might become a guilty pleasure. Often times, it’s because the film is technically terrible and yet still, for whatever reason, it’s fun. And then sometimes, it’s because the film was made at a different time and, as a result, our modern cultural overlords demand that we dislike it regardless of how much we may also enjoy it.

And then there are films that you literally feel guilty for owning, watching, and sometimes enjoying. These are the films that you always find yourself making excuses for owning, Whenever I let anyone know that I have 2003’s From Justin To Kelly on DVD, I always make sure to point out that I also own the Criterion edition of Jean Renoir’s Rules of the Game and several films directed by Werner Herzog.

“Don’t judge me!” I shout, as my guests stare down at Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini’s retouched smiles beaming at them from the cover of From Justin To Kelly, “I actually do have good taste….”

And, if worst comes to worst, I just tell them that it was a gift from an old boyfriend who, just two days after giving me the DVD, was tragically killed while doing charity work in Vermont. “The enemy is hunger…not the hungry!” I say and, while they sagely nod in agreement, I always push the DVD to the side.

However, the fact of the matter is that I do own From Justin To Kelly and I actually have watched it more times than I’m willing to admit. It’s difficult for me to explain why. It’s not that From Justin To Kelly is a good film. There’s a lot of people who claim that From Justin To Kelly is one of the worst films ever made and, while I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration, it’s hard to deny that the film really is pretty terrible.

From Justin To Kelly, of course, is the American Idol film. By coming in first and second at the end of Idol‘s first season, Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini were contractually obligated to appear in a movie that would be written by Kim Fuller, the brother of Idol‘s producer. From Justin To Kelly was quickly written and filmed so that it could both appear in theaters and be released on video before the start of Idol‘s second season. If From Justin To Kelly had been a success, I imagine that all future American Idol winners and runner-ups would have been forced to appear in similar films. And I have to admit that it’s kind of disappointing that From Justin To Kelly was not a success because I would have loved to have seen a beach movie starring Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee.

However, From Justin To Kelly was not a success. In fact, it was such a failure that the producers of Idol decided to give up on movies and instead concentrate on doing what they’re good at — i.e., neutering otherwise interesting singers by forcing them to sing ballads written by Kara DioGuardi. For the most part, the only time that you hear about From Justin To Kelly is when Kelly Clarkson talks about how much she hated making it.

(Reportedly, Kelly spent hours sobbing after reading the script.)

As for the film itself, it’s a romantic comedy musical beach party movie sort of thing. Texas-born Kelly Clarkson plays Kelly, a girl from Texas. Pennsylvania-raised Justin Guarini plays Justin, a guy who was raised in Pennsylvania. Kelly is a waitress who gets dragged down to Florida for Spring Break by her friends, Alexa (Katharine Bailess) and Kaya (Anika Noni Rose). (Bailess and Rose deliver their lines in the least convincing Texas accents ever. However, since Kelly won American Idol and is very much a Texan, her movie friends had to be Texan too.) Justin, meanwhile, is the “King of Spring Break,” which is odd since he and his friends Brandon (Greg Siff) and Eddie (Brian Dietzen) host parties that feel like they’d be more appropriate for a church camp. (Then again, maybe Justin was meant to be the King of Bad Spring Break. Maybe, if Idol had continued to make movies, Adam Lambert would have eventually gotten to play the King of Good Spring Break.)

Anyway, Kelly and Justin eventually meet. Justin likes Kelly. Kelly thinks he’s a player. Justin’s like, “No, I’m not a player.” Kelly’s like, “Okay, I guess we can be in love.” But then Alexa decides that, no, Kelly and Justin should not be in love and, whenever Justin tries to text Kelly, Alexa texts back that Kelly’s not interested. And, meanwhile, Kaya falls in love with a surly busboy (Jason Yribar), Brandon keeps getting ticketed by the same policewoman, and Eddie keeps failing to hook up with a girl that he met online. Because, you know, the kids are so crazy with their text messages and their online dating and their … busboys.

(Seriously, did From Justin To Kelly really warrant that many subplots?)

During the whole time, everyone keeps singing songs and breaking out into choreographed dance numbers on the beach. The film’s director, Robert Iscove, also did She’s All That and From Justin To Kelly at times feels as if it’s just a 80 minute version of She’s All That‘s prom dance-off, except in this case it’s performed by people who really can’t dance.

And yet, I’m going to take a minute to defend From Justin To Kelly. While it’s true that the film’s songs don’t have anything to do with the film’s plot and they all lean a bit towards the vapid side, it’s also true that a few of them are catchy. One reason why Kelly Clarkson is one of the few Idol winners to actually make a career for her outside of Idol is because she can make almost anything sound good. For that matter, Justin Guarini is a far better singer than most people seem to remember him as being. While it is true that, judging from their work here, neither Kelly or Justin can act, they’re both likable. (Unfortunately, they also have next to no chemistry. I was actually surprised to learn that Kelly and Justin apparently dated while making From Justin To Kelly because, for the most part, they both look terrified whenever they actually have to kiss on camera.)

From Justin To Kelly also has a massive nostalgia value. After so many seasons and so many forgettable winners, it’s easy to forget about what a big deal American Idol was during that first season. I was 16 years old and I watched every episode and I got so emotionally involved in who was staying and who was going home. Today, it seems incredibly silly that a movie would have been a part of Idol but, back then, it made total sense. (That said, I know a lot of people who loved the first season of American Idol but I don’t know anyone who actually saw From Justin To Kelly in a theater.)

But, ultimately, I think the main reason why From Justin To Kelly remains an oddly fascinating bad film is because it takes place in a world that has absolutely nothing in common with the real world. Nobody at Spring Break acts anything like any of the characters to be found in From Justin To Kelly. Imagine a Spring Break where no one touched liquor, no one did drugs, and no one got laid. Imagine a Spring Break where college students danced on the beach while wearing the most modest of bathing suits and flashing the most eager and innocent of smiles. Even the film’s whipped cream bikini contest feels oddly chaste. From Justin To Kelly might as well be science fiction and it’s just so odd to watch.

As you watch, you can not help but imagine how the people involved with both Idol and the film reacted to it all. It’s actually fun to try to imagine what the cast talked in between shooting scenes. Did they spent their time laughing at how bad the movie was going to be or did they try to fool themselves into thinking that it would all be okay? (I’ve been involved in some bad community theater productions, which is what From Justin To Kelly resembles. I know how darkly humorous thinks can get back stage as people try to come to terms with what’s happening.) You watch and you ask yourself, “Did Kim Fuller actually think this is how American teenagers act when there’s no adults around?” Even more fun, you can try to imagine what Randy, Paul and Simon said when they first saw the film. I imagine it when something like this:

“Yo dawg, that was just alright for me, I don’t know, man, that was strange. Paula?”

“Argle bargle margle largle. Simon?”

“It was rather like watching a small parakeet attempt to eat a 60 year-old man…”

And, as such, From Justin to Kelly remains a pleasure of mine.

It’s just one that I feel guilty about admitting to.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 24: Walk of Shame (dir by Steven Brill)

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I was recently looking over what some of my fellow movie bloggers consider to be the worst films of 2014 and imagine my surprise when I saw that almost all of them had found room to list a little comedy called Walk of Shame.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to argue that Walk of Shame was a great movie or anything like that. Essentially, it was a dumb comedy that was full of plot holes. For the most part, it was a film that was specifically designed to appeal to neurotic white people from the suburbs. Then again, I am a neurotic white girl from the suburbs so maybe that’s why, despite all of the critical disdain and moralistic posturing that was directed towards Walk of Shame, I actually liked it.

In Walk of Shame, Elizabeth Banks plays Meghan, a local TV new correspondent who is being considered for a job with the national network. However, soon after being informed of this, Meghan returns to her apartment and discovers that her boyfriend has left her. Then she gets a call informing her that the network is leaning towards another candidate. Depressed, Meghan puts on a skin-tight yellow dress, goes out to a club with her best friend (Gillian Jacobs), ends up drinking way too much (much like me, Meghan doesn’t have much of a tolerance when it comes to alcohol), and finally ends up meeting an aspiring writer named Gordon (Jason Marsden) and going back to his apartment with him.

The scenes where Meghan and Gordon drunkenly fool around before eventually having sex are actually surprisingly fun. Marsden and Banks have a really playful chemistry throughout this entire film. You like both of their characters and it’s fun to see them together. In fact, Jason Marsden, who I had previously assumed was a bad actor on the basis of his work in The Butler and Straw Dogs, gives a truly charming performance in his film, turning Gordon into both the ideal one night stand and the ideal boyfriend.

The next morning, Meghan gets a call informing her that the network has decided against the other candidate and they want to interview her for the job. She’s told that she only has a few hours to get down to the station. After sneaking out of Gordon’s apartment, Meghan discovers that not only has her car been towed but her purse and all of her money was also in the backseat. (Not to mention the fact that she left her phone back in Gordon’s apartment…) So now, still wearing that yellow dress, Meghan has to try to make her way across Los Angeles, get back her car, and get to her interview in time.

And, of course, this means that Meghan has to deal with drug dealers, simple-minded policemen, and snooty bus drivers. Admittedly, there’s not a single problem that Meghan couldn’t have solved through the use of common sense but sometimes you have to be willing to cut a film a little slack.

Walk of Shame has a lot of flaws but I still enjoyed it, mostly because I’ve been there. I may not have been there to the extreme that Meghan finds herself being there but I’ve still been there. Elizabeth Banks is one of my favorite actresses and her chemistry with Jason Marsden generates enough good will to help the film get over a few rough patches.

And, for that reason, Walk of Shame is my favorite guilty pleasure of 2014.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty (Horror) Pleasure #23: Meridian (dir by Charles Band)

Posted on October 11, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

You know how there are certain films that you just know you shouldn’t like but yet, you do? These are the films that you know you should reject but yet, right when you’re on the verge of condemning them, you suddenly realize that you’d rather watch them for a second or a third time.

For me, Meridian is one of those films.

Meridian presents a twisted take on the Beauty and the Beast fairy tale. Catherine (Sherilyn Fenn) and Gina (played by an actress who is credited simply as being “Charlie”) are recent art school graduates who have moved to Italy. Gina has come to Italy to work in art restoration while Catherine has inherited her father’s castle! That right — Catherine owns her very own castle!

I wish I owned a castle in Italy. In fact, the first person to buy me a castle in Italy (preferably one in Southern Italy) will get a special shout out from me on this site. Get to it!

Anyway, Catherine is pretty happy to be living in her very own castle. Not only does she have a lot of servants but one of them happens to be her childhood nanny (Hilary Mason) who, for reasons that don’t become clear until late in the film, is still very protective of Catherine. Catherine was a little apprehensive about moving into the castle because, when she was little, she used to see the ghost of a dead girl wandering about. However, with her nanny there to protect her and Gina visiting for the weekend, what is there to worry about?

However, one morning, Catherine and Gina discover that a traveling circus has been set up near the castle. Catherine finds herself intrigued by the leader of the circus, the mysterious Lawrence (Malcolm Jamieson). She invites Lawrence and all the performers to have dinner at the castle. With the help of magic, wine, and drugs, the dinner turns into an orgy with a nearly unconscious Catherine being taken by Lawrence’s twin brother, Oliver (Jamieson again). While atop of Catherine, Oliver reverts to his true form, as seen above…

Naturally, it all has to do with family curses and ghosts and all the rest. The morning after, Catherine wakes up with little memory of what happened. The performers are gone and Gina soon leaves the castle. Left with only her servants, Catherine starts to see the ghost of that dead girl again. And, of course, both Oliver and Lawrence show up once again. At no point does the plot make any sense but, then again, life is usually kinda messy so why should movies be any different?

So, look — there’s a lot of negative things that I could say about Meridian. Catherine is not a strong heroine, the film’s overly complicated plot is full of holes, and some of the acting is inconsistent. But yet, oddly enough, those flaws ultimately work to Meridian‘s advantage. It really is one of the most dream-like films that I’ve ever seen and often times it truly does come across like not only a fantasy but a fantasy that you might not want the world to know about. (Which, I think, would make it the epitome of a guilty pleasure…hmmm…) Working with what was undoubtedly a small budget, Charles Band tells his story with a lot of atmosphere and haunting imagery. Taking place in a beautiful country and featuring a beautiful cast, Meridian is a lot better than one might otherwise expect.

Meridian was first released in 1990. The version I saw was included as part The Midnight Horror DVD Collection, along with the original Prom Night and 6 other films, none of which were as good as either Meridian or Prom Night.