Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.25 “Burl of My Dreams/Meet the Author/Rhymes, Riddles, and Romance”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, someone needs to call Family Services.

Episode 5.25 “Burl of My Dreams/Meet the Author/Rhymes, Riddles, and Romance”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 27th, 1982)

Poor Vicki!

Here she is, living on the Love Boat, surrounded by the middle-aged crew and the largely elderly passengers, and without a single friend her own age.  (Seriously, how does Captain Stubing get away with this?)  She’s excited when an old school friend, Scott Nelson (Rad Daly), boards the boat but Scott, being 14 and a boy, is totally clueless about the fact that 1) Vicki is no longer a tomboy and 2) Vicki totally has a crush on him.

Gopher sees that Vicki is upset so he tries to cheer her up by telling her that she deserves better than Scott and also sending her flowers.  Gopher may have had good intention but now Vicki is convinced that she’s in love with Gopher and that Gopher is in love with her!  Captain Stubing is not amused.  And Vicki is also not amused when she overhears Gopher explaining that he was just trying to make Vicki feel better.  And then she’s truly, truly unamused when Scott kisses her and then reveals that Gopher paid him to do so.

Seriously, poor Vicki!  I relate to Vicki more than to Julie because I’ve never been a cruise director but I have been a teenager.  I will never understand how the Captain is getting away with raising his daughter on a cruise ship.  I can see where it would sometimes for fun for Vicki but doesn’t she miss having friends her own age?  Doesn’t she wish she could explore something other than the Aloha Deck?  This storyline once again reminded the viewer that Vicki really deserves a life on the mainland.

As for the other two stories, Paul Reese (Jared Martin) is a publishing executive who wants to sign an author named Gus Dolan (Alan Hale, Jr.).  Gus is known for his tough crime novels.  In order to get close to Gus, Paul strikes up a romance with Gus’s daughter, Kathy (Georgia Engel).  Kathy is upset when she discovers that Paul works in publishing but, when Paul throws away the contact that he just got Gus to sign, she realizes that Paul does love her.  And then Paul discovers that Kathy is the one who is actually writing Gus’s books.  This storyline featured a good performance from Alan Hale, Jr. but there was next to zero romantic sparks between Jared Martin and Georgia Engel.

Meanwhile, Brian (Paul Williams) and Lenore (Joanna Pettet) searched the ship for a secret treasure and fell in love.  Isaac’s cabin got ransacked twice.  This was a pretty boring story and one of the biggest parts of it — Captain Stubing telling Brian and Lenore not to disturb anyone else’s cabin — took place off-screen.

So, this cruise left me feeling very sorry for Vicki and also for poor Gus Dolan.  Vicki wants friends her own age.  Gus wants to be a real writer.  Not all dreams come true, even on the Love Boat.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Alien Invasion Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

The aliens are here …. or are they?

4 Shots From 4 Alien Invasion Films

It Came From Outer Space (1953, dir by Jack Arnold, DP: Clifford Stine)

It Conquered The World (1956, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Fred E. West)

Starman (1984, dir by John Carpenter. DP: Donald M. Morgan)

Predator (1987, directed by John McTiernan, DP: Donald McAlpine)

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.1 “Lights Out”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Let’s start season two of this stupid show!

Episode 2.1 “Lights Out”

(Dir by Terrence O’Hara, originally aired on August 17th, 1996)

It’s time for season 2 of Pacific Blue!

Elvis, the mechanic played by David L. Lander, is no longer a member of the cast but the rest of the ensemble is there and still trying to convince us that they’re real cops despite the fact that they ride bicycles and wear shorts.  The episode opens with Palermo telling everyone that they have new bicycles.  In fact, it’s the same type of bicycles that are used by the Secret Service!

See, the show tells us, bicycle cops aren’t dorky!

Okay, Pacific Blue, whatever,  It’s the start of the second season and you’re still trying to justify your existence.

A mad bomber named Wilson Dupree (Robin Sachs) is planting bombs all over …. Malibu?  Santa Barbara?  Where does this show take place again?  Anyway, we know that Wilson is a bad guy because he speaks with a British accent.  Whenever he plants a bomb, he calls ahead and specifically asks for someone from the bike patrol to come and defuse it.  Why is Wilson picking on the bike patrol?  Hey, who wouldn’t?  The bike patrol is dorky as Heck!

TC and Victor are soon finding bombs.  TC and Victor turn out to be rather incompetent when it comes to defusing bombs.  A lifeguard tower explodes.  A car explodes.  There’s an unintentionally funny scene where the entire bike patrol chases after a taxi that they’ve been informed is carrying a bomb.  Wouldn’t it have made more sense to call the real cops so that they could send a patrol car with its lights flashing and sirens going?  The taxi driver doesn’t even realize he’s being followed.

The FBI sends down Agent Stone (David Lee Smith) to head up the investigation.  As soon as Stone arrives, Palermo starts in with usual “We’re real cops!’ spiel, even though Stone hasn’t suggested that they aren’t.  Palermo is apparently so used to people not taking bike cops seriously that he just starts ranting as soon as he meets anyone new.  Stone asks Chris to be his liaison and Chris, as usual, is like, “Anything to get off this stupid bicycle!”

Stone thinks that Wilson is an anti-technology, eco-terrorist, like the Unabomber.  Palermo has his doubts because Palermo always has to try to convince everyone that he knows everything.  In the end, it really doesn’t matter because Wilson’s main goal is just to blow everything up.  The whole argument over motives feels like it has more to do with Palermo’s insecurities than anything else.

Is the town saved from the mad bomber?  Yes.  Good work, bike patrol!  You all still look silly on those bikes though.

Film Review: Carnal Knowledge (dir by Mike Nichols)


First released in 1971, Carnal Knowledge is the story of two friends, Jonathan (Jack Nicholson) and Sandy (Art Garfunkel).

Jonathan and Sandy meet in the late 40s, when they’re both assigned to be roommates at Amherst College.  They’re both smart, handsome, and obviously from well-off families.  They both believe that they have a wonderful future ahead of them and why shouldn’t they?  World War II is over.  America is the leader of the world and Jonathan and Sandy both appear to be future leaders of America.  Sandy is shy and sensitive.  When he meets Susan (Candice Bergen), he struggles to talk to her and when they date, he doesn’t know how far he should go with her.  (When he tells Jonathan about getting a hand job from her, it’s obvious that Sandy didn’t previously realize such a thing was possible.)  Jonathan, on the other hand, is confident and aggressive.  He can be a braggart and he can be insensitive but there’s something undeniably attractive about someone who knows what he wants and is determined to get it.  Soon, Susan finds herself torn between the two roommates, though Sandy is clueless that Jonathan is even interested in her.

Carnal Knowledge is divided into three separate parts, each taking place in a different decade and each shot in its own individual style.  (The film was written by playwright Jules Feiffer and the script does very much feel like a three-act play.)  As a character, Susan disappears after the first act but her relationship with Jonathan and Sandy haunts every bit of the second and third acts.  By the end of the film, Sandy is no longer sensitive and Jonathan is no longer virile and one can’t help but feel that Susan, wherever she may be, is definitely better off without either one of them.

The second act is dominated by Jonathan’s relationship with Bobbie, played by Ann-Margaret.  Bobbie is beautiful and heart-breakingly insecure.  Her relationship with Jonathan starts with a dash of romance and then quickly becomes a trap for both of them.  Jonathan is not ready (or mature enough) to settle down.  Bobbie is desperate for him to marry her and willing to go to extremes to make that happen.  The scenes where Jonathan and Bobbie fight are some of the most powerful in the film, with both Nicholson and Ann-Margaret giving the viewer raw and honest portrayals of two insecure people who are totally wrong for each other but also incapable of getting away from each other.

By the time the third act comes around, Jonathan has been reduced to paranoid ruminations about “ball-breakers” and can only get it up when he’s feeling like he’s the one in power.  (Rita Moreno has a cameo as a very patient prostitute.)  Meanwhile, middle-aged Sandy is dating an 18 year-old (Carol Kane) and clearly trying to live the free-spirited youth that he never had.  Who is more pathetic?  Jonathan, who bitterly realizes he’s never going to be young again, or Sandy, who is trying to deny the fact that he’s getting older?

Carnal Knowledge is a dark film and indeed, it sometimes feels like it’s a bit too dark for its own good.  Even the worst people occasionally have a laugh.  The script is full of sharp lines and the characters are interesting, even if they are for the most part unlikable.  Still, there’s a staginess to the film’s narrative and director Mike Nichols never quite breaks free from it.  That said, I still highly recommend this film.  Not only is it a portrait of a culture-in-transition but it also features some wonderful performances, especially from Ann-Margaret and Jack Nicholson.  (In most ways, Jonathan is definitely worse than Sandy but we still have more sympathy for Jonathan because Jack Nicholson is a considerably better actor than Art Garfunkel.)  Ann-Margaret honestly portrays the heart-breaking insecurity that comes from being repeatedly told that you have nothing but your looks to offer.  Meanwhile, Nicholson throws himself into playing the charismatic but immature Jonathan.  We may not like Jonathan but we do, in the end, understand why he’s become the person that he has.  It takes a certain amount of courage to play a character like Jonathan and, in this film, Nicholson shows every bit of that courage.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.13 “Midnight Waltz/Let Them Eat Cake”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Roarke is in the director’s chair!

Episode 6.13 “Midnight Waltz/Let Them Eat Cake”

(Dir by Ricardo Montalban, originally aired on February 12th, 1983)

Adele Anthony (Adrienne Barbeau) is a hard-working waitress whose fantasy is to be a queen for the weekend.  Mr. Roarke asks her if there’s a country that she would like to rule over.  Adele shrugs and says that she’s always liked France.  Mr. Roarke has her shoot an arrow and suddenly, Adele Anthony is …. MARIE ANTOINETTE!

Yes, the same Marie Antoinette who was beheaded during the French Revolution.

Like, seriously, Mr. Roarke ….. she couldn’t have been any other queen?  I’m not really sure why Mr. Roarke decided to do this to Adele, who is probably about a saintly a guest as has ever visited Fantasy Island.  Occasionally, Roarke will use the fantasies to teach someone a lesson but Adele really hasn’t done anything to justify being beheaded.

Fortunately, Adele isn’t beheaded.  It turns out that Marie Antoinette was saved from the guillotine by Francois (Patrick Wayne), a leader of the revolution who was shocked to discover that the Queen was not as heartless as he had been led to believe and that she had actually been framed by her husband, Louis (James Coco) and Louis’s mistress, Baroness La Rue (Cathryn Damon).  Indeed, all Marie Antoinette did was suggest that the cake that the royals were going to have for desert should be given to the citizens, along with a lot of other food.  Louis spread the story that Marie Antoinette had said, “Let them eat cake.”

So, Marie Antoinette (and Adele) survives!  Meanwhile, Louis is dragged off to be beheaded.  Except, it turns out that Louis was just having a fantasy as well.  Louis is actually Mr. Willaker, who runs the Fantasy Island car towing service.  In lieu of paying him for his services, Roarke gave him a fantasy in which he was beheaded.  The episode ends with Willaker towing away Tattoo’s car.

Meanwhile, John Cook (Lew Ayres) is a widower who wants to have one last dance with his wife, Carol (played, in ghost form, by Rosemary DeCamp).  However, John meets and falls in love with Martha Wilson (Jane Wyatt) and instead dances with her.  Carol approves, saying that she doesn’t want John to spend the rest of his days in mourning.  It’s a pretty simple fantasy but you know what?  It still brought tears to my eyes and I still smiled at the end of it.  A lot of that is due to the Lew Ayres, one of the great actors of Golden Age Hollywood.  Ayres gives such a sincere and downright sweet performance that it’s impossible not to get swept up in his fantasy.

This was a good episode.  I’m still not sure that Adele needed to become Marie Antoinette but the last dance fantasy made up for a lot.  It was just so sweet!  This was the second (and last) episode of the series to be directed by Ricardo Montalban and he did a great job.

Icarus File No. 23: The Last Tycoon (dir by Elia Kazan)


Based on the final (and unfinished) novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald, 1976’s The Last Tycoon tells the story of Monroe Stahr (Robert De Niro).

Monroe Stahr is the head of production at a film studio during the early days of Hollywood.  Stahr is an unemotional and seemingly repressed man who only shows enthusiasm when he’s talking about movies.  He may not be able to deal with real people but he instinctively knows what they want to see on the big screen.  Stahr is a genius but he’s working himself to death, ignoring his health concerns while trying to create the perfect world through film.  He’s haunted by a lost love and when he meets Kathleen Moore (Ingrid Boulting, giving a remarkably dull performance), he tries to find love with her but, naturally, he doesn’t succeed.  Meanwhile, he has to deal with his boss (Robert Mitchum), his boss’s daughter (Theresa Russell), a neurotic screenwriter (Donald Pleasence), an impotent actor (Tony Curtis), and a lowdown dirty communist labor organizer (Jack Nicholson)!  Sadly, for Stahr, McCarthyism is still a few decades away.

There’s a lot of talented people in The Last Tycoon and it’s undeniably interesting to see old school stars — like Mitchum, Curtis, Dana Andrews, Ray Milland — acting opposite a Method-driven, 30-something Robert De Niro.  This is one of those films where even the minor roles are filled with name actors.  John Carradine plays a tour guide.  Jeff Corey plays a doctor.  This is a film about Golden Age Hollywood that is full of Golden Age survivors.  It’s a shame that most of them don’t get much to do.  The Last Tycoon is a very episodic film as Stahr goes from one crisis to another.  Characters show up and then just kind of disappear and we’re never quite sure how Stahr feels about any of them or how their existence really shapes Stahr’s worldview.  Robert De Niro may be a great actor but, as portrayed in this film, Monroe Stahr is a boring character and De Niro’s trademark tight-lipped intensity just makes Stahr seem like someone who doesn’t have much to offer beyond employment.  This is one of De Niro’s least interesting performances, mostly because he’s playing a not-particularly interesting person.  Mitchum, Pleasence, and the old guard all make an impression because they’re willing to coast by on their bigger-than-life personalities.  De Niro is trapped by the Method and a total lack of chemistry with co-star Ingrid Boulting.

Still, this is the only film to feature both De Niro and Jack Nicholson.  (The Departed was originally conceived as a chance to bring De Niro and Nicholson together, with De Niro being the original choice for the role eventually played by Martin Sheen.)  Nicholson’s role is small and he doesn’t show up until the film is nearly over.  He and De Niro have an intense table tennis match.  Nicholson doesn’t really dig deep into Brimmer’s character.  Instead, he flashes his grin and let’s the natural sarcasm of his voice carry the scene.  It’s nowhere close to being as emotionally satisfying as the De Niro/Pacino meeting in Heat.  That said, Jack Nicholson at least appears to be enjoying himself.  His natural charisma makes his role seem bigger than it actually is.

Why was The Last Tycoon such a disappointment?  Though unfinished, the book still featured some of Fitzgerald’s best work and there’s a huge amount of talent involved in this film.  The blame mostly falls on Elia Kazan, who came out of retirement to direct the film after original director Mike Nichols left the project.  (Nichols reportedly objected to casting De Niro as Stahr.  While it’s tempting to think that Nichols realized that De Niro’s intense style wouldn’t be right for the role, it actually appears that Nichols and De Niro sincerely disliked each other as Nichols also abandoned the next film he was hired to direct when he was told that De Niro wanted the lead role.  Nichols choice for Monroe Stahr was Dustin Hoffman, which actually would have worked.  If nothing else, it would have provided a Graduate reunion.)  Kazan later said that he did the film solely for the money and it’s obvious that he didn’t really care much about the film’s story.  The film has some good scenes but, overall, it feels disjointed and uneven.  Kazan doesn’t really seem to care about Monroe Stahr and, as a result, the entire film falls flat.

Previous Icarus Files:

  1. Cloud Atlas
  2. Maximum Overdrive
  3. Glass
  4. Captive State
  5. Mother!
  6. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote
  7. Last Days
  8. Plan 9 From Outer Space
  9. The Last Movie
  10. 88
  11. The Bonfire of the Vanities
  12. Birdemic
  13. Birdemic 2: The Resurrection 
  14. Last Exit To Brooklyn
  15. Glen or Glenda
  16. The Assassination of Trotsky
  17. Che!
  18. Brewster McCloud
  19. American Traitor: The Trial of Axis Sally
  20. Tough Guys Don’t Dance
  21. Reach Me
  22. Revolution