GUEST REVIEWER ALERT!!! Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Plex!
Marsha (Mariska Hargitay) is a medical student with childhood trauma and an affinity for peeping toms. Yep, she likes peeping toms, which made me realize that Gilbert Adler – the story’s writer is not great at writing. In fact, he’s pretty terrible at it, but he did produce an awesomely bad movie “Ghost Ship.” Marsha joins a sleep study with Zach (Darren Dalton) who created a machine that can DVR your dreams. Why would you want to DVR dreams? Who knows?! Have you ever heard someone try to describe their dreams? If so, you need to politely smile and weather the storm.
During her sleep study, Zach gets pervy and sends peeping toms into her dreams and she quasi-undresses. It’s really really weird. I couldn’t figure out what the big mystery was. We learn that Marsha’s parents died, leaving Marsha to be raised by her ultra religious abusive grandmother. Marsha argues with her grandmother and her Nonna has a fatal heart attack. Ok, I don’t understand the mystery. Your parents are dead and your grandmother was mean. Why do you need dream recordings for that? You were there! You were there the whole time!!!
Freddy does make some appearances in the story itself, but doesn’t really cause any harm to Marsha. The perpetual lack of blood really killed the show. At this time, Freddy had sliced his way through at least 4 movies in horrific fashion; so, seeing him impotently nudge a potential victim really makes me sad because you could feel the franchise dying before your eyes.
With no chemistry at all, Marsha hooks up with Zach and he goes into her dream and Freddy bloodlessly takes him away. The story could have been better if it ended after 22 minutes; unfortunately, the story dragged on for another 20 minutes. It’s interesting that there were so many anthology shows coming up at the same time in the late 80s. It wouldn’t be until the mid 90s that The Outer Limits made a return. While science fiction can get traction, it was only a serialized drama “Supernatural” that could really entertain with horror as the theme. The closest we came to a horror anthology was Dark Mirror and that is trash! If you are a “Dark Mirror” fan, who hurt you? I mean it’s like if the reboot of The Outer Limits just decided to be mean all the time. It does make a question though maybe for Lisa: Maybe we should start reviewing the 90s outer limits??? I mean it’s a legit good show….just sayin.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This Week, “Bix”, a sapient robot, enslaves the crew…
I had not seen “The Love Boat” in forever and it’s really more of a variety show because there are all these straight forward/weird plot lines and song or dance numbers. I watched this episode with my daughters and they were quite confused as to why people were making all of these strange choices. My response:
I’m a terrible father
I’m kind of an angry man; so, I will start with the storyline that infuriated me the most. Franklin (Peter Marshall) brings “Bix” AKA Robby The Robot on the ship. First, I dispute that he’s a robot. “Bix” had flashing lights and could say a few phrases, in that case, when I put up my sound sensitive Christmas lights – I have created robots! Second, the phrases he used hinted at a self-awareness that should’ve demanded Captain Stubing to destroy this evil thing! Third, it kept getting in the way of Franklin and Ruth (Karen Morrow) from knocking boots. Listen Bix, these people don’t have much time left and they clearly discovered a proto-Viagra; so get lost- you puritanical robot!
The next storyline was just weird. Steve (Grant Goodeve) who was somehow NOT on the original Battlestar Galactica and his wife Connie (Donna Pescow – Saturday Night Fever) cannot have children; so, they enlist a surrogate. It becomes very clear that no one knows what a surrogate is because they kept talking about how the baby would have the surrogates traits, meaning I believe they thought Steve was going to sleep with the surrogate- the 70s were weird! Connie, the wife, gets jealous because Steve becomes flirty with the surrogate and it all gets mooted because it turns out that Connie is pregnant, but they still slept with the surrogate anyway- just kidding.
The last storyline was all about Two Broke Girls (see what I did there). I found it really very depressing even with the dance number. Betsy (Betty White) was the trustee for Aunt Sylvia (Carol Channing), but it turns out that Sylvia is broke. Sylvia then, hilariously drops her ONLY asset, a diamond necklace, into the ocean, leaving them both penniless. These two intrepid and talented women, desperate for cash, had no choice, but to fight a series of opponents in juvenile-game-themed-death matches in Korea. Sadly, they were the only remaining opponents and had to face off where only one friend would leave with millions of dollars and years of regret! I will have to say that I was impressed with Betty White’s cunning when she was hunting the most dangerous game. This storyline was actually the basis for the Netflix hit “Squid Games”. I am kidding, they actually thought their poverty was hilarious. I did not understand.
GUEST REVIEWER ALERT!!! Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Plex!
I am your guest reviewer for the next few “Freddy’s Nightmares”. I have watched three of them and can tell you without a doubt that this show was never really meant to be. At this time, there were two other similar and better shows that were in production or getting greenlit: “The Twilight Zone (reboot)” and “Tales from the Crypt”. This show likely wanted to be “Tales from the Crypt” and I guarantee that the Boomers who wrote “Freddy’s Nightmares” were fans of “Tales”. This story and the other two I watched were likely failed pitches for “Tales” and “Zone”.
The show struggled because network television was not ready for a blood and guts story and certainly not one where Freddy Kreuger, a child murderer pedo, is heavily in the stories. Therefore, he had the role of Crypt Keeper. I’m sure that this was frustrating for Miramax and Wes Craven because Nightmare had amassed nearly 500 Million Dollars. Also, this show was 16 years before Supernatural premiered where audiences craved and demanded gore. The Freddy stories themselves didn’t really lend to horror as much as they were morality play Outer Limits episodes with a story McGuffin to push the clumsy narrative forward.
However, the show could have been saved, IF it were a 30 minute show. In every episode that I watched, the stories ached to roll credits at the 30 minute mark, but the show had an hour slot and the writers tacked on 3 additional act breaks that were always a big oogey mess. Twilight Zone was an hour, but broken into two stories. Tales was 30 minutes and got to do all the gore and nudity it wanted because it was on HBO. Freddy’s overlong padded stories and the FCC restrictions killed what could have been an aggressively mediocre show.
This episode: “Killer Instinct” had a good beginning. Chris Ketchum (Lori Petty) just lost her mother and she wants to honor her by winning track meets even it means losing her soul. BOOM- That is a story- A 30 minute story. At the 30 minute mark, I had seen enough, but I kept going. Chris has heart, but she is losing out to the faster and cuter Nickie (Yvette Nipar) who always beats her in every race and unbeknownst to Chris, Nickie also want to knock boots with Chris’ boyfriend. Chris’ track coach doesn’t help because she is written inconsistently- one moment she’s booting Chris from the team for not trying hard enough and the next she’s giving her evil costume jewelry…. that can kill!!!
Chris gives the evil McGuffin a try and she: runs blurry-fast (which would likely blow out her joints), kills a teacher by choking him with cotton (Yes, that happened), and causes Nickie’s treadmill to go a little faster- it doesn’t hurt Nickie, but Nickie’s workout was slightly more difficult. Wes Craven really needed to give this story another pass. Before Chris can eliminate Nickie (Yvette Nipar) permanently, Nickie strikes first and steals the costume jewelry of doom TCJOD! Nickie uses TCJOD to kill Chris by causing the finish line tape to either decapitate her or break Chris’ neck. It’s unclear how Chris dies, but she does.
The story devolves into a quasi-ghost-zombie-hallucination story. Chris wants revenge and so she sleeps with her boyfriend all gnarly with rotting flesh and she demands that her boyfriend tries to kill Nickie. He doesn’t though- I guess sleeping with a dead person just isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be. Chris starts showing up everywhere in Nickie’s life to drive her insane – including dinner parties and it works really quickly- very quickly. Before the end of the week, Nickie is bludgeoning her boyfriend to death with a…. track trophy, but in her defense she thought it was Chris’ boyfriend! Confused? Yeah, it’s that kind of show. I guess Nickie came in first place in murder!
Bruce Campbell is the of Elvis of horror and independent film; in fact, he did play Elvis in “Bubba Ho-Tep”. If you’re into independent filmmaking, genre films, and artistic struggles both of these books “If chins could kill” and “Hail to the chin” are must reads and they are also fantastic audiobooks read by the man himself. Sidenote: I never thought his chin was weird- just manly. I enjoyed these books so much that I read them and then I listened to the audiobooks as well, which allowed me to re-experience the books like a favorite Uncle sharing his adventures with me. His entire life is laid bare in his own words: his successes, struggles, and failures. The second book picks up right after the end of the first one. NB: neither book is ghostwritten- a rarity. Sidenote 2: the audiobook really reveals Bruce’s skill at impersonations- he could do a career just doing that.
Bruce sat down and wrote both of these memoirs and if you’re an “Evil Dead” fan he discusses every single aspect of how the “Evil Dead” films were made. He goes into the same detail with every single show and film he has ever done. It’s not just how the sausage was made, it is the equivalent of discussing the history of the pig breed, how the pigs were raised, the tools they used for slaughtering, when they were made into sausage, the spices used, and the marketing to sell the sausage (Both books are available on Audible). The purpose of this article isn’t to grade these books because it’s just weird to grade a Man’s memories as long as the writing is half-way decent; instead of that very weird thing, I will discuss chronologically the moments that I’ve thought about for years in this uniquely American story.
His early years would be the central casting description of a midwestern “Theater Geek”. I never particularly liked that term, but it’s fairly apt because he lived for the dramatic arts, but NEVER complained or thought any job was beneath him- Refreshing. His entire focus in high school was theater and if he had graduated from college, he would’ve been a drama teacher. Luckily for us, Bruce became a college dropout after 6 months and began working on Evil Dead.
Evil Dead
Evil Dead was created by everyone that any connection to Bruce and his comrades, but there were also guilt feelings. Family members helped, parents helped, law firms helped, and probably even the Easter Bunny contributed to making “Evil Dead”. In the filming, everyone on the film was everywhere all the time and lived like they were quasi-homeless in the abandoned house that any horror fan would recognize. It was amazing to me how they had power to run their equipment. The way he describes it has all the intensity of a man remembering in perfect detail that he knew in his soul that this moment would be life-defining. He was right.
One thing that stood out to me was the guilt that Bruce had for asking his father, who was going through a divorce, for funds for the film. As a dad, I can tell that we want our children to be happy and that doesn’t end because you’re getting divorced, sickness, or even death- we always want our children to succeed. Can parental support get out of hand and make us annoyed? Yes, but this was well within the normal limits for a dad. If Bruce reads this article, I hope that he knows that his dad cherishes every dollar he contributed to his son’s dream. Unless of course, you had a dad like mine- in which case, how is it in the fire/police department, EMT, or Armed Forces these days?
Evil Dead 2 and 3
When he described Evil Dead 2 and 3, it was different because he had become a man. He was married and soon to be divorced. He described the work and the filmmaking the way a master carpenter describes his experience and steps making a $10,000 walnut table from a single piece of wood. Neither Bruce’s nor Sam Raimi’s careers had taken off yet and like many of us facing defeat – they went home. Home was of course with the old crew to make Evil Dead 2. Evil Dead over the years on a budget of $375,000 made $30 million….WHOA, but it was clear that Hollywood didn’t understand what they had- this was decades before Blair Witch and Paranormal Activity. It seems that Army of Darkness solidified Bruce as a name. One moment I remember about his memories of Army of Darkness was how he tried to mentor the extras about the importance of never complaining and hustling on the set. They didn’t listen. In fact, two of the extras defiled the set by having coitus in their costumes between takes…..ew. Maybe they were the first furries…. double ew. Or maybe the extras misunderstood the term “Hustling”?
The 90s
The 90s was Bruce Campbell’s decade. Hollywood finally realized with the success of the X-Files and Pulp Fiction that the audience for off kilter actors and stories was not just large- it had money to spend. Bruce found three things: steady work with Hercules and Xena, his soulmate- his second wife Ida Gearon, and his best friend – Lucy Lawless (Xena). He describes his friendship with Lucy like a brother describes the love and pride he has in a sister who made valedictorian. The Bruce/Lucy friendship spans decades and I hope they become neighbors one day. He describes it with such fondness and admiration; it proves that men and women can have platonic and beautiful friendships that last a lifetime. I’m not crying, you’re crying….leave me alone.
2000s through Burn Notice Bruce had come into his own and was getting cast in A LOT of genre films. He had become a bona fide working actor. I will note that he gets into thorough detail about every single film that he made during this time period. However, I think that many Gen-Z and Millennials discovered him through Burn Notice and if you’re thinking he spills the tea about any on set drama- HE DOES NOT. He talks about how he enjoys dive bars and the different bartender pours. He describes in detail his experience with the show. I enjoyed the second book a lot, but it got personal for me because he convinced his Co-Star Jeffrey Donavan to visit the troops in Iraq. I give them both a lot of credit for that out of all of the great moments in the second book that’s what I think about the most often.
I am a fan of Bruce Campbell’s obviously, but what stood out to me in this uniquely American story is that you really can be anything here if you work at it.
So we meet again….Alex … Magana. Now look, I assume that most of my readers are good, kind, and decent, but what if you’re not?! I mean what if you’re not that great or you did one REALLY bad thing that you feel guilty about. I’m not saying putting your neighbor in a woodchipper kind of thing, but let’s just include the lessor felonies. If you just need that self-flagellation, my dear ne’er-do-well compadre, this film and Alex Magana is for you.
Alex Magana assaults the senses and art herself. In fact, from the hackneyed plots to the p*rn quality acting, he is the Ed Wood of the digital age! If you don’t believe me, check out the “Smiling Woman”… SERIES…yes, it’s a series! I refuse to call it a franchise! I won’t do it! Luckily, your misery is brief because as terrible as Alex Magana’s films are – he can’t write stories longer than 4 minutes.
“Don’t Lie” shows an influencer, who I think seems a little old for the gig; however, we must let all things slide with Alex. Typically, Alex just films out of his apartment and the hall in his apartment building. The lead actress could be homeless or just live near the building; so, she could be young, but life on the street is hard. In fact, all of the actors could be homeless and this brief filming was their only exposure to …. home. *Sheds Tear*
The story continues where her boyfriend stages her murder to gain additional subscribers, which doesn’t make sense because why subscribe to the deceased? But, Whatever. A psycho then teaches her and her boyfriend a lesson about … honesty… with a knife. Apparently, neither she nor her boyfriend understand how their legs can make them move around and even away from things or people.
If we look at “Don’t Lie” like an industrial film, like “The Importance of Good Manners”, “Why you should drive safely”, and “Don’t ever put that in your Bu..” anyway. My point is that maybe “Don’t Lie” is salvageable as a lesson film. The lesson is this: Don’t let Alex Magana have any recording devices! EVER! He’s got to be stopped! He’s really prolific! How is paying for all this very very low budget dreck?!
“Pulp Fiction” was as peak 1990s as much as these two:
Or this Archie’s Comic live action show
While “X-Files” attracted big audiences 60-40% male and the reverse for “90210”, “Pulp Fiction” captured 1994: Jocks, Nerds, Guys, Women, Girls, Boys, Boomers, X-ers, Older Millennials, you name it – Everyone was into Pulp Fiction. Tarantino described this art as a number of cliches: the mobster attracted to the mob wife, the boxer who tricks the mobsters into giving him money and NOT throwing the fight, and the killer who finds God. The cliches dig into DNA. WHY? Because they have the same motivations as our caveman ancestors: the unobtainable mate, a sense of honor, and redemption. These themes are the basic building blocks of what make us human beings and why these stories echo through the millennia – our ancestors fears are the same as ours today. Some might claim that “Reservoir Dogs’ was better- they are incorrect– Pulp Fiction was WAY more entertaining.
Even though this was released and written in the 1990s, it had an older feel to it. First, everyone smoked indoors. I remember the 1990s, smoking was on the OUTS big time! Second, man did he like to use a certain racial slur. OOF. But then again, I’m not from Los Angeles. Maybe, it’s like Alabama there? I have no idea! I can say that the film did hold up as re-watched it today. It was still relevant and maybe that’s because it was difficult to pin down the time period; in fact, the music was mostly from the 1970s and the story time jumped- A LOT! The Miramax producer who worked on the show also jumps a lot, but mostly in the shower.
The story begins with two mobsters Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield murdering two guys to get a magical briefcase back to their boss Marsellus Wallace, which feeds into the next storyline of Butch an aging fighter who’s about to rip off the mob, which feeds into Mia Wallace – Marsellus Wallace’s wife overdosing on heroin, which feeds into Butch on a quest to retrieve his great-grandfather’s watch, which feeds into a pretty graphic man on man scene of sexual violence and revenge, which feeds into Jules finding God, which feeds into cleaning brains out of a car, and finally ending in a diner being robbed by Tim Roth. Yes, the film requires attention. It’s not “Dazed and Confused”. You gotta pay attention.
I recently watched a show with Lisa Marie that time jumped – oh no, were their Germans around who got too close at a family reunion off camera?!
I still believe this is Quentin’s Opus and you cannot convince me otherwise because it connected to everyone and launched and re-launched A LOT of careers. Pulp Fiction’s legacy was that it empowered a 1990s writers to work in humor with their grittiness like in Halloween H20, which I reviewed here
Happy Birthday, Nicolas Cage. If you’re an older Millennial or Young Gen X, you saw “Raising Arizona” about 100 times on Showtime and HBO because I believe that it was very inexpensive to license. The film was a hard left turn for the Coen Brothers who had major success with “Blood Simple” – a brutal thriller- that turned all women off to Fat Southern Murderers forever. The Coen thrillers tended to have comedic edge after Raising Arizona, but never just a comedy again- until The Big Lebowski. This film is also responsible for John Goodman. Prior to this film he was in mostly small parts, then after this picture- he became a household name in Roseanne.
Nicolas Cage is a made up name. He is Francis Coppola’s nephew and I can’t fault him for mayonnaising his name because my Italian ancestors did as well. However, I believe that he was trying to hide the Coppola name more than his heritage. Speaking of Italian heritage, try “Groking” “Italian American Jersey Girl” in grok. The lady who appears is beautiful, but doesn’t look like any of my Aunts. I feel that I should advocate for my people- We trend good looking and gave you Pizza Friday! Come on, show some love!
The film’s premise is that H.I. McDonnough (Nicolas Cage) is an ex con who is addicted to robbing the same convenience store again and again and again. This may seem strange, but in another life, I did criminal defense and I had a client who would steal the same jacket from the same store every year. Edwina “Ed” (Holly Hunter) is a cop who processes H.I. again and again. Each time, he flirts with her. His last time as a convict in front of her- her fiancé left her. H.I. realizes that he must go straight to get her love.
After his jail time, he returns as a free man to get his love- “Ed”. It works! They have a great life, but they want a child and yet she can’t conceive. The solution: they will kidnap a baby from the owner of Gallery Furniture! If you were from Texas, you would’ve laughed! They get the kid and are pursued by all sorts of people who want to claim the reward for the kidnapped baby.
This very intricate plot is just the first 30 minutes of the film. It is truly funny. I always felt for these character because good people should have LOTS OF KIDS- as many as possible! They shouldn’t have to pay taxes or anything. This film is special to me for another reason: it is when the Boomers were still young and filled with hope. Now, we are losing them and it hurts. This film is a glimpse of what they were like before the grey and how much they yearned for a good family on their own terms.
I had a man pinned down with his face pressed against the asphalt at a barbecue in Georgetown, Washington D.C. – July, 2007 and I was about to spank him in front of 45 people.
EARLIER….
Georgetown in July and August is like living inside of Vick’s Vaporizer with the swamp gas rising in the morning. When you think of D.C., you might think of the Washington Monument, museums, and overly horny politicians, BUT there is another side to the city and it is swampy and forested and that is where Washingtonians live. In fact, every neighborhood in DC looks more like the forest is trying to take the neighborhood back to when the World was young. Georgetown is even more like this because it is rife with ravines, towpaths, canals, and apartment buildings where the back doors look like they open to magical forests.
My apartment building was painted brick in the front and had a backyard area for garbage, barbecues, and a 50 yard long sloped driveway that fed all the way down to the towpath canal. The area was choked with trees and life. During cicada season, you could not see the ground and only heard the satisfying crunches as you made your way to the buses to take you downtown to make your living. I grew up not far from Georgetown and the memories were fresh and remain so today. The memories of my father were with me too- they were etched forever on my forehead, chin, back, and arms.
There had been a bad storm the week before and the city had lost power. I unfortunately had bought an entire month’s worth of beef, chicken, and pork. Without refrigeration, it was all going to spoil; so, I decided to have a barbecue for my entire building and feed the multitudes. People brought beer and wine and, as always, there was a group of people who snuck off to blow weed behind the oak trees. I semi-recognized everyone, but I didn’t know their names. I was chatting with my neighbors and there was a girl about 25 feet away from our conversation. She was from a floor or two above me and she looked like the central casting version of a brown-haired sorority girl and she was beginning to scream at a man I did not recognize. It was then that another storm had come to D.C.- a hurricane – and it had my name.
I was upon them both in a moment and to this day I don’t remember the 25 feet I crossed to get to them. I found out later that as they started arguing, my face went blank as I went to them. I saw him grabbing her breasts and she yelled and hit his hands. I did not know if they were there together or not; so, I asked her: “Do you need help?” She was agitated and said, “Yes, Please.” The distress, pleading, and humiliation on her face filled me with a distilled cold rage that I hadn’t felt since I saw my mother’s helpless face after my father had lost his temper- again.
He tried to get out a whole sentence: “So what are you gonna do Faaaggo…..”
Too late, I had him already off his feet and arching through the air in a controlled body slam crash! He was no weakling; he was at least 5 feet 9 inches and worked out, but I’m a 200 pound Dago and bench press 250 Lbs. with ease. Important side note: If you’re gonna fight, fight. If you’re gonna shoot, shoot. AND if you’re gonna bodyslam a man into Georgetown’s finest asphalt – YOU JUST DO IT – NO TALKING. The air left his lungs. He was lucky his mouth didn’t make contact with the ground or the dental bills would’ve been immense. The 45 people at the barbecue went silent and stared agape at me and this subjugated man.
He tried to speak….”Fuck you…Faaaago….” “Shhhhh….” I said as I chicken-winged his right arm with my right and used my left hand to push down on the side of his face slowly turning it so the sharp pebbles began to dig into the left side of his face. “UGGHHHHHH…” He moaned. “Shhhhh…” I said shaking my head like a didactic parent.
His right eye strained to its corner to look up at me. “I’m going to let you go, but you are going to apologize to her (I turned my head to his victim), everyone here, leave and you will never return.” I said. The girl stood up, took a breath, crossed her arms, and waited for his apology. I turned his head so I could speak clearly. “Fuck you….Whore!” He said. The crowd made a collective wincing – “Ooooooh” The Hurricane arrived.
In a split second, I decided his punishment with this logic: Blood for blood, pain for pain, and in his case: humiliation for humiliation. “I’m gonna do what your Daddy shoulda done. I’m gonna take your pants down and spank your bare ass purple!” I said. He began to studder. “Y-y-y-y-y-y-you… w-w-w-w-w-w wouldn’t.” he said. “Yes, I will.” I replied. Everything was silent. There was no breathing, no crickets, no cicadas, no wind – just the rapt silence of the crowd and the forest herself. I moved my knee to his back and brought my left hand to the waistband of his khaki shorts as I continued to use my right hand to keep pressing his face into the asphalt. I grabbed his waistband firmly and gave it a shake before doing my windup. Everyone inhaled with a collective gasp. The eye of the Hurricane was directly overhead. I began my wind up….. “W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait….” He begged. I paused. “Ok.” He tried to bring air into his lungs. His right eye looked at his victim- “I-I-I’m s-s-s-sorry I grabbed your titties.” “And?” I asked firmly. “A-a-and I’m s-s-s-sorry to all of you and I’ll never come back.” He said. His eye looked at me and everyone else’s eyes looked at me, but they were all looking at the wrong person for the judgement. If they had looked at the right person, it would’ve never happened in the first place. My head turned and I looked directly at Her. Soon, everyone turned to look at her too. My face was passive and I looked at her with my Italian inquisitive eyebrows and then I looked down briefly at him. His eye had welled with tears as his eye met with hers. My eyes returned to her. She held his fate with the power of the Ancient Queens. She was biting her bottom lip and moving her eyes around with what I was sure was the same expression she had when she took the SATs. The Queen gave a brief nod. I returned it. In one fluid motion, I had him on his feet and gave him a shove to his back. He stumbled then broke out to a full-on sprint. He got 30 yards away and turned back and shouted: “Fuck you, faaago..” I started to move towards him to finish my work and he bolted. The Hurricane had passed. I made a brief sigh, went over to the picnic table, and pointed to the 2-liter Coke and a man met my gaze with his hand gesture saying – Sure– ALL YOURS! I nodded at him, poured, took a swig, got up and went to the door. It was heavy and slammed behind me. I waited a moment and then, I heard – “Did that just fucking happen?!” I shrugged, went back to my apartment, and went to bed.
Clowns – nature’s murderers! Today, we’re going to discuss Clowns. Where do they come from? What is their life cycle? And of course, why are they even a F#@%ing thing?!!!
Feel encouraged to read this article in the voice of David Attenborough.
Clowns have a unique life-cycle.
They are always born in Vermont because they nest amongst the maple trees.
They begin as evil infants. At age 4, they get their first taste of human flesh, typically a kind neighbor who eats Pepperidge Farm cookies and has a spouse who makes way too many apple pies.
Then, they have their awkward teen years.
At this age, they’ve had their first kill and purchased at least one Bernie Sanders t-shirt and experimented with cannibalism or as they put it “Neo-Paleo” *groan*. They refer to the homeless as “Free Range” and Vegans are “Grass-fed”.
Clowns enter their Adult phase.
At this phase, they move to the suburbs for fatter, slower victims and, of course, better schools.
In their older years, they become solitary murderers and keep up on current events.
It is unknown to science why clowns are even a thing. I mean, we have tigers and things like that already and they’re scary enough. Is it really necessary to put makeup on a predator to be nightmare fuel at a kid’s party? I would vote no.
Happy Halloween and try not to be eaten by a clown.
His title card was terrible so I’m using the New York Yankees. Why not? We have a haunted house theme in this story where Google speaker is involved. Alexa’s evil twin. The main character is at his house, which I believe is probably Levi’s residence because his films always take place there. He ask google speaker to help him, but she has turned…..EVIL!!! The main character asks to google to turn the light back on upstairs and he sees…… a shape. This is kinda scary. Google speaker puts on license free music on for mood; so, evil or not- she is protecting Levi’s shoestring budget. I give him credit for editing in music.
The character unplugs the device and it still talks. It’s a good trope. I don’t hate on that. There is a guy in his house who has a cloak on, which is definitely bad. The shape approaches him. He begs google to turn on the light, but instead she goes rogue and turns off the lights.
I meant to watch a horror comedy, but oops – it’s just horror. I actually might put this in the thriller category because there’s an artificial intelligence working in collusion with the evil shape- is that like a google prime option? I mean I’m not saying that we should pay for google to do evil, but I mean….a little evil? Nothing permanent- mild evil like crappy salsa that never satisfies.
I do admit that I feel bad for Levi Morgan because he hasn’t done anything since 2023 and he’s doing some normal job now. His films are good enough. Levi’s not Hitchcock, but he’s better than Alex Magana and that’s important. I hope he makes it a vibrant hobby. Levi is just not great at writing. His scene angle setups and cinematography is not bad. Levi can make a scene suspenseful and I think he would be a good director of photography. He does need a writer. God doesn’t give with both hands and I would encourage him to pursue a career as a Director of Photography and Directing. I’m not gonna crap on him. He’s has talent and should focus on cinematography.
Through the Shattered Lens 