Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.8 “Balancing Act”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, we discover how it all began!

Episode 1.8 “Balancing Act”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on November 18th, 1995)

The eighth episode of Baywatch Nights opens with Ryan and Garner on a stakeout.  It’s the middle of the day and they’re waiting for someone carrying an envelope full of evidence.  Mitch is nowhere to be seen, which actually makes sense.  I mean, Mitch is still working as a lifeguard.  Over the past seven episodes, I’ve often wondered how Mitch can work full-time as both a detective and a lifeguard captain.  This episode finally acknowledges that Mitch actually does have another job.

Garner and Ryan start talking about the first that they met and how they came to be partners in a detective firm.  It’s flashback time!  The flashbacks are to the show’s previously unaired pilot.  What’s funny is that, even though Garner is the one who is telling the story, the flashbacks are all narrated by Mitch.  I know that Garner and Mitch were extremely close friends during the early seasons of Baywatch but I didn’t realize they could actually hear each other’s thoughts.

Flashback Mitch explains that both he and Garner were wondering if there was anything more to life than their jobs.  Garner wanted to be more than just a beach cop.  Mitch was wondering if maybe there was something more out there than just being a lifeguard.  One day, when Mitch on vacation from his lifeguarding job, Mitch decided to accompany Garner to investigate a mysterious boat that had been showing up around the marina.  It was during the investigation that Mitch and Garner first met Ryan.  Ryan had paid $25,000 for a private detective agency in California, just to discover that the agency was not the high class operation that the previous owner, Nicky Pine (Philip Bruns), claimed it was.  However, before Ryan could confront him, Nicky was apparently killed by a group of criminals who wanted a valuable bracelet that Nicky owned.  Except the bracelet, which he gave to Ryan, was actually a fake and Nicky wasn’t actually dead and….

Ugh, this is complicated.  Seriously. I hate to admit that I couldn’t follow the plot of an episode of Baywatch Nights but this plot had so many nonsensical twists and turns that I pretty much gave up on trying to make sense of it all.  The important thing is that Garner got fed up with the police and quit, Mitch realized that he wanted to be a private eye, and Ryan got to be totally awesome as usual.  At one point, Ryan explained to Mitch that she was tough because she was from Dallas.  Woo hoo!  You tell him, Ryan!

Because this was a pilot, there were a few examples of early installment weirdness.  Troy Evans showed up as a police detective and one got the feeling that he was originally envisioned as being a recurring character.  Lisa Stahl’s Destiny was nowhere to be seen but there was a character named Andy (Linda Hoffman) was acted quite similarly to Destiny.  Even Nicky and his girlfriend, Rose (Jeanette O’Connor), seemed to be set up to become semi-regular characters.  Obviously, there was some retooling done after this pilot was produced.

Anyway, this episode’s plot is impossible to follow but the California scenery is lovely, which I think is the most that anyone could realistically demand from any show from the Baywatch universe.  Having now watched the pilot, I’m glad that the show went forward with just Mitch, Garner, and Ryan as regulars.  They’re a good team.

Catching Up With The Films Of 2023: May December (dir by Todd Haynes)


What comes after a life of tabloid infamy?

That’s one of the many questions posed by Todd Haynes’s latest film, May December.

Elizabeth Berry (Natalie Portman) is an actress who comes to Savannah, Georgia in order to research her next role.  We don’t learn much about Elizabeth’s career as an actress but it appears that, while it has brought her a certain amount of fame, it hasn’t exactly been full of acclaimed work.  One person mentions seeing a picture from a film that she did in which she was involved in a blood sacrifice.  (“I googled ‘naked Elizabeth Berry,'” he explains.)  Several other people mention how much they love her TV show, Norah’s Ark, in which Elizabeth plays a veterinarian.  Elizabeth’s latest film features her playing a real person, someone who was at the center of a scandal 20 years previously and who has since faded from the public view.  Elizabeth seems to believe that this role could redefine her career.

(Hey, it worked for Margot Robbie in I, Tonya.)

Elizabeth is going to play Gracie Atherton-Woo in an upcoming indie film.  Way back in 1992, the real-life Gracie (Julianne Moore) was 36 years old and married when she was caught having sex with a 13 year-old named Joe in the back of a pet store.  Joe was a classmate of Gracie’s son and Gracie was the one who was responsible for him getting hired at the pet store in the first place.  Gracie was sent to prison, where she gave birth to Joe’s daughter.  During her trial, Gracie and Joe were both tabloid mainstays.  The nation was transfixed by their affair before eventually moving on to the next scandal.  When Gracie was eventually released from prison, she married Joe.  Now, decades after appearing on the front of every trashy magazine, Gracie and Joe (Charles Melton) are still married and they now have three children.  They live in a big house in Savannah, Gracie has a career as a pastry maker, and, from the outside, they would appear to have a perfect domestic life together.

Wearily, Gracie and Joe allow Elizabeth to spend time with the family so that she can research her role.  Elizabeth interviews other people who were effected by Gracie’s actions.  Gracie’s ex-husband (D.W. Moffett) is surprisingly forgiving.  Gracie’s children are considerably less forgiving.  Georgie (Cory Michael Smith), who was Gracie’s son from her first marriage and a schoolmate of Joe’s, is bitter and describes his mother as being mentally unbalanced while, at the same time, trying to leverage his knowledge of Gracie’s past into a job on the film.  As for Gracie and Joe’s first daughter (Piper Churda), she states that she doesn’t want the film to be made.

Cracks start to appear in the perfect image that Gracie and Joe present to the world.  Gracie can be rigid and controlling while insisting that Joe was the one who initiated the encounter in the pet store.  Gracie talks about growing up with four brothers, two of whom were older and two were younger.  Gracie mentions that one of her brothers is an admiral and it’s implied that she grew up in an atmosphere where failure was not an option.  Gracie’s daughter talks about how, when she graduated, her mother gave her a scale as a graduation gift.  When someone cancels an order for a cake, Gracie takes it as a personal rejection and breaks down into tears.  Gracie is friendly towards Elizabeth but never totally lets down her guard.

As for Joe, he emerges as well-meaning but confused, someone who is still often treated like a child by bother his wife and, eventually, the woman who is studying his wife.  Whenever we see Joe with any other adults, he’s awkward as if he’s not sure how to behave.  (When he tells his elderly father that he can hardly believe that all of his children will soon be in college, the old man’s silence tells us everything that we need to know about their relationship.)  Joe is nearly forty but it’s clear that a good deal of his emotional development stopped when he was thirteen, leaving him desperate for approval.  When he catches his teenage son smoking a joint, Joe isn’t angry as much as he’s curious.  Smoking weed is one of the many things that Joe never did when he was younger.  When Joe get high, he becomes a paranoid and emotional mess as all the feelings that he’s repressed for 23 years come spilling out.  At the same time, when Gracie has a breakdown, Joe knows exactly what to say to help her through it.

Do Gracie and Joe truly love each other or is their marriage just their way of denying the reality of what happened?  Did Gracie groom Joe or, as Gracie insists, was their affair consensual?  At first, the audience’s natural tendency is to sympathize with Elizabeth and to expect her to play some sort of role in clarifying what actually happened in that pet store.  But Elizabeth soon proves herself to be a rather detached observer, a mimic who copies the emotions of others but who, even after she gets to know Gracie and Joe as human beings, still views them as just being characters in a story.  In the end, Elizabeth can’t help us understand what happened in the pet shop because, the film suggests, not even the people who were actually there understand what happened.  All Elizabeth can do, as an actress and an observer, is try to recreate what she imagines happened.

It’s a well-made film, with Haynes deftly mixing scenes of high drama with the awkward comedy of people trying to rationally discuss the irrational.  It can also be a frustrating viewing experience, if just because Haynes often does not seem to be sure what he’s trying to say about the characters or why we should even care about either Gracie or Elizabeth.  Fortunately, the film is lucky enough to have a wonderful cast.  While Moore and Melton gets the big, dramatic scene, it’s Portman who takes the audience by surprise, giving a performance that goes from being likable to being rather chilling as Elizabeth transforms herself more and more into Gracie.  For all the film’s themes about conformity, morality, and tabloid culture, it’s main message may very well be to never trust a method actor.

May December sticks with you, even if it’s not up to the level of Haynes’s Carol.  It’s a film about what happens after the infamy, with Gracie, Joe, and Elizabeth destined to be forever defined by what happened over the course of a few minutes in the backroom of a pet store.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 6th, 1980)

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island is all about entertainers.

For instance, Ned Pringle (Douglas Barr) is not an entertainer but he wishes that he could be.  Instead, the handsome and athletic Ned is a popcorn salesman who works for a traveling circus.  He has a crush on a trapeze artist named Velda Ferrini (Pamela Sue Martin) but he feels that he won’t ever be able to talk her unless he too can become a trapeze-artist.

Mr. Roarke grants him his fantasy.  He hands Ned a magic pouch and has him climb up a magic ladder.  When Ned reaches the platform at the top, he suddenly discovers that he is now standing high above the ground.  Below him, the entire circus is waiting for him to audition.  Fortunately, as long as Ned has the pouch, there is nothing he can’t do.  He’s the world’s greatest acrobat and he is, of course, hired by the circus’s owner, Mr. Ferrini (Don Ameche).  Ferrini is the father of Velda and when he hires Ned, he does so under the condition that Ned not try to date his daughter.  Good luck with that, Ferrini!

Meanwhile, Velda’s older brother, Mario Ferrini (George Maharis), takes an interest in Ned’s career and he even starts to pressure Ned to attempt the same super dangerous quadruple summersault that led to Mario injuring his leg and having to drop out of the act.  Ned, however, realizes that Mario needs to do the summersault himself so that he can get back his confidence.  After a conversation with Mr. Roarke (who shows up swinging on the trapeze and wearing a white bodysuit!), Ned allows Mario to have the pouch.  Mario finally pulls off the quadruple summersault and he returns to the act.  Meanwhile, Ned realizes that he doesn’t have to be an acrobat to be worthy of Velda’s love and he instead becomes the circus’s new manager.

And good for all of them!  Ameche, Martin, Maharis, and Barr were all extremely likable in this story, though you do have to wonder what Maharis is going to do if he ever loses the magic pouch.  That said, the true stars of the story were the stunt crew.  It was pretty easy to spot everyone’s stunt double, which added to the fun of the story.  Ricardo Montalban’s stunt double, for instance, appeared to be about 20 years younger than him and blonde.

The episode’s other story deals with a veteran entertainer named Denny Palumbo (Dick Gautier).  Denny became a star doing a corny song-and-dance act with his wife, Trish (Neile Adams).  However, Denny and Trish got a divorce and their act broke up.  Denny is now engaged to Harriet (Elaine Joyce) and he is putting together a new act with two new dancers.  Trish’s fantasy is to become invisible so that she can make sure that Denny isn’t cheating on her.

“Boss!” Tattoo says, “Can you do that!?”

“It remains to be seen,” Roarke replies.

(Oh hey, I just got that!)

Just as Roarke gave Ned a magic pouch, he gives Harriet a magic potion that grants temporary invisibility.  When Harriet turns invisible, her clothes can still be seen and appear to be floating in mid-air.  This leads to her (in her invisible state) undressing in front of Tattoo and Roarke.  Tattoo’s eyes get especially wide as everything from Harriet’s dress to her underwear hits the floor.  In fact, Tattoo gets so distracted that Roarke snaps, “Tattoo!”

(Later, Tattoo deduces that Roarke can still see Harriet, even after she’s taken the potion and removed her clothes.  “Boss!” Tattoo gaps.  I’m a bit shocked, myself.  Mr. Roarke has always been such a gentleman in the past that I find it hard to believe that he would not have stepped out of the room or, at the very least, turned his back while Harriet undressed.)

Being invisible allows Harriet to spy on Denny.  It turns out that Denny is not cheating on her but invisible Harriet still deliberately ruins his rehearsal and causes the new dancers to quit.  Needing a partner, Denny turns to Trish, which upsets Harriet even though Harriet was the one who was secretly responsible for inspiring the other two dancers to quit in the first place.  Eventually, Harriet realizes that Denny and Trish are meant to be together but that’s okay because she also realizes that she’s meant to be with Denny’s manager, Monty (Sonny Bono, who apparently spent the early 80s living off whatever money he made from appearing on shows like The Love Boat and Fantasy Island).

This story suffered from the fact that all of Harriet’s problems could have been solved by Harriet not acting like an idiot.  As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, I am not a fan of the idiot plot.  Sonny Bono was likable as Monty but Denny and Harriet were so broadly drawn and performed that I mostly just wanted to Monty to totally get away from both of them.

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island was just silly.

Scenes That I Love: Burt Reynolds Meets Burt Reynolds in The Last Movie Star


Today, the national speed limit is 50 years old.

Boooo!

Yes, it was 50 years ago today that President Richard Nixon signed the law that set the national speed limit as being 55 miles per hour.  Perhaps this was Nixon’s final revenge on a nation that was making a huge deal out of Watergate.  Who knows?

In honor of the occasion, today’s scene that I love is from 2018’s overlooked The Last Movie Star.  In this scene, an elderly Burt Reynolds finds himself transported back to the days of Smokey and the Bandit, where he meets his younger self and takes a ride in a famous black sportscar.  It turns out that the two Burts do not agree when it comes to observing the posted speed limit.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Todd Haynes Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.

Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to director Todd Haynes!  It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Todd Haynes Films

Safe (1995, dir by Todd Haynes, DP: Alex Nepomniaschy)

I’m Not There (2007, dir by Todd Haynes, DP: Edward Lachman)

Carol (2015, dir by Todd Haynes, DP: Edward Lachman)

Dark Waters (2019, dir by Todd Haynes, DP: Edward Lachman)

Music Video of the Day: The Prince by Madness (2022, directed by Dave Robinson)


Yesterday, I shared the first music video for Madness’s first single, The Prince, which was just the band performing the song on Top of the Pops in 1979.  That video didn’t have Madness’s signature nuttiness so, over 40 years later, the band released a new, official video for the song.

This video is made up for footage that was taken from 1981 Madness film, Take It or Leave It and it features the band in the studio, on stage, and generally having a good time.  The film was directed by Dave Robinson, who was the president of Stiff Records and who directed all of Madness’s early music videos.

Enjoy!