Lifetime Film Review: I Was Lorena Bobbitt (dir by Danishka Esterhazy)


In 1993, a woman named Lorena Bobbitt made national news when she used a kitchen knife to chop off her husband’s penis, which she then tossed into a field, where it was later found and reattached.  During Lorena’s trial, both the defense and the prosecution conceded that John Wayne Bobbitt (and what a name, right?) was an abusive and selfish husband who probably deserved a lot worse than just losing his penis for a few hours.  Lorena, meanwhile, was portrayed as being a crazed psycho, with many claiming that she was motivated not by years of abuse but instead by jealousy.  After spending months at the center of a media freakshow, Lorena was eventually found not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.  John Wayne Bobbitt was subsequently acquitted on charges that he had raped Lorena the night that she castrated him.

Subsequently, John Wayne Bobbitt held a number of jobs, was charged with more crimes, and had a brief career as an adult film actor.  Lorena attempted to stay out of the spotlight, reverted to using her birth name of Gallo, and was only briefly in the news in 1997 when she was arrested for striking her mother.

However, this previous Memorial Day, Lorena Gallo returned to the public eye as the host of I Was Lorena Bobbitt.  One of Lifetime’s “ripped from the headlines” features, the film’s format is similar to 2017’s I Am Elizabeth Smart, which featured the real Elizabeth Smart talking about her kidnapping along with dramatized scenes feature Alana Boden in the title role.  I Was Lorena Bobbitt features scenes of Lorena (played by Dani Montalvo) both before and after what the film refers to as being “the incident.”  We watch as she first meets John Wayne Bobbitt (Luke Humphrey) and how she is initially charmed by the handsome marine just to discover, after their marriage, that he’s actually a porn-addicted, abusive monster.  The real Lorena appears on-screen to provide context for what we’ve just seen.  For instance, when the movie’s Lorena gives her statement to the police, the real Lorena appears and explains that the reason why the statement was so awkward was because she was still struggling to learn how to express herself in English.  The film makes the very good and too often overlooked point that Lorena’s statement was subsequently used to paint her as being a psychopath by reporters who should have understood that not only was Lorena in shock but she was also being forced to describe a very personal experience in a language in which she wasn’t fluent.

Unfortunately, despite those few moments that do provide some valuable context to what really happened that night and afterwards, I Was Lorena Bobbitt is still a bit of a mess.  The filmmakers tell the story out of chronological order, mixing in flashbacks with flashforwards and, while I can understand why they made that narrative choice, it doesn’t really add much to the story.  In fact, it gets a bit distracting as we try to keep track of where we are in Lorena’s story.  Luke Humphrey gives a properly loathsome performance as John and Dani Montalvo gives a good performance as the young Lorena but the actual Lorena is not a particularly compelling narrator.  One gets the feeling that the film would have worked better if the real Lorena had stayed off-screen.

In the end, despite its flaws, I Was Lorena Bobbitt deserves credit for examining the real issues underneath a story that feels as if it was tailor-made to appeal to America’s tabloid sensibility.  The film shows how Lorena was gaslighted and brainwashed into believing that the abuse she suffered was her fault.  It shows how an abuser can be charming when he feels that he needs to be and it also show how Lorena was more vilified for her actions than John was for his.  It’s a film with an important message, even if the execution is sometimes lacking.

Music Video Of The Day: Unemployment Line by Creed Bratton (2013, dir by Zach Mann)


Yes, this is the same Creed who we all know and love from playing a version of himself on The Office.  While everyone knows that Creed was a musician before he became an actor, it seems to be less well-known that he continued to record music while appearing on the show and after the final episode.

This is a heartfelt song and, if you go over to YouTube, you can read Creed’s story about what inspired this song and why he recorded it.  As Creed writes in the video’s description: See the GOOD in people, the value of our connection to one another, and realize that the ailments of an unemployed society are not a result of laziness, they are a product of loneliness.

So, from Creed Bratton, here is Unemployment Line.

 

Lifetime Film Review: Psycho Yoga Instructor (dir by Brian Herzlinger)


Oh hell yeah!

This Lifetime film had me as soon as I saw the title.  Psycho Yoga Instructor?  Seriously, is that not the most brilliant title of all time?  Apparently, this film was originally called The Perfect Pose and that’s an okay title.  I mean, “perfect” is always a good word to use in a title.  But you know what’s an even better word to use?  Psycho!

Plus, the fact that the title promised not just a psycho but a psycho yoga instructor made me even more excited to see the film.  There’s been countless Lifetime film about yoga instructors who ended up getting stalked.  But this film’s title shakes things up.  This time, it’s the yoga instructor who is the stalker!

Anyway, Psycho Yoga Instructor tells the story of Justine (Ashley Wood).  Justine is married to Tom (Brady Smith), who is the type of guy who stays at work late and then, when he gets home, doesn’t even bother to join his wife in bed.  Instead, he collapses on the couch, where she inevitably finds him the next morning.  Justine is eager to adopt a baby.  Tom barely seems to care.  Justine is haunted by nightmares in which she’s drowning in the tub and, instead of trying to save her, Tom takes a call from work.

Justine’s best friend, Ginnie (Lily Rains), thinks that Tom is cheating on Justine.  She also thinks that Justine should come to her yoga class and ogle the hot yoga instructor, Dominic (Panos Vlahos).  Justine is reasonably sure that Tom is not cheating but she still decides that yoga might help her deal with some of her stress.

Dominic, it turns out, is a very good yoga instructor.  He’s got wild hair and he spends a lot of time talking about toxins and the barriers that people set up to their own happiness.  He takes an interest in Justine and soon, he’s even coming to Justine’s house to give her one-and-one lessons.  Justine thinks that Dominic is helping her get in touch with what she really wants out of life.  Dominic, meanwhile, spends most of his time staring down Justine’s shirt.  Like, seriously, Dom — eyes up!

Tom starts to get jealous and with good reason.  Justine is having all sorts of dreams about Dominic and, for the most part, they never end well for Tom.  Still, it’s just yoga, right?  And Dominic’s not any more quirky than the typical yoga guy, right?  Wrong.  It turns out that Dominic is more than just a somewhat spacey hot guy.  He’s also a …. PSYCHO YOGA INSTRUCTOR!

Admittedly, it does take a while to get around to the psycho part of Psycho Yoga Instructor but I still liked the film.  The character of Dominic was so hilariously vapid and Panos Vlahos seemed to be having so much fun smirking and talking about toxins that it was impossible not to enjoy his performance.  Justine’s recurring dreams were also well-shot and genuinely creepy.  The one where Justine was under water while her husband laughed at her especially got to me.  The film was as cheerfully trashy as you would hope that a film with a title like Psycho Yoga Instructor would be.  In the end, that’s what really matters.

Cinemax Friday: Meatballs IV (1992, directed by Bob Logan)


Neil (Jack Nance … yes, Eraserhead Jack Nance) owns a summer camp where he teaches people how to water ski.  Unfortunately, it’s been a while since Neil’s been a success.  The camp is old and run down and Neil is just too good-hearted to enforce any discipline on his campers or his counselors.  The evil Monica Shavetts (Sarah Douglas) owns the water ski camp on the other side of the lake and she is determined to put Neil out of business.  Fortunately, Neil does have one ace up his sleeve.  One of his former campers, Ricky Wade (Corey Feldman), has gone to become one of the top water skiers in the world and he has returned to help Neil save the camp!

Meatballs IV covers all the usual summer camp hijinks.  The fat kid learns how to believe in himself.  The female counselors all appear in topless.  There’s a shower scene, of course, and there’s also a lot of humor centering around flatulence.  When you’re 11 years old, this movie is pretty cool.  Of course, saving the camp means winning a competition against the evil camp.  At least Sarah Douglas appears to be relishing her evil role.  There is one funny joke where Corey Feldman attempts to hit on a girl by telling her, “I was in Goonies.”  I guess even back then, Feldman knew which one of his movies people would actually remember.

Jack Nance is his usual eccentric self in the role of Neil but he doesn’t get to do much.  Sadly, it was while he was in upstate New York making this film that his then-wife, Kelly Van Dyke, committed suicide in Los Angeles.  Reportedly, Nance had been on the phone consoling her and trying to talk her down.  Unfortunately, a lightning storm knocked out the phones in the middle of Nance’s conversation with Kelly and she hung herself immediately afterwards.  For many of us, Jack Nance would be the main reason we would sit through something like Meatballs IV but knowing that story makes it difficult to watch him in this film.  Both Jack Nance and his wife deserved better.

Meatballs IV started out as a movie called Happy Campers, which was intended to be a low-budget rip-off of the original Meatballs.  Then, someone realized that an even better idea than ripping off a successful film would simply be to change your movie’s title and turn it into a sequel.  Meatballs IV tells the same basic story as the original Meatballs, with a bunch of plucky outsiders proving themselves over the summer.  The main difference is that Meatballs IV has a lot more T&A than the original film and that the first film has Bill Murray as a camp counselor while this one has to settle for Corey Feldman.  It’s not that Feldman’s bad in the role, of course.  Despite what happened to his career in the 90s and beyond, Corey Feldman has always been capable of giving good performances, even if he often didn’t.  (I can’t really blame him.  Would you make much of an effort if you were appearing something like Dream A Little Dream 2?)  It’s just that Corey Feldman is no Bill Murray.  When Ricky first shows up at the camp, he energizes the campers by doing an elaborate dance routine, which he ends by shouting, “Elvis has left the building!”  It has the same energy as that episode of The Simpsons where Homer is hired to voice Poochie on Itchy & Scratchy.  It feels desperate, like the film is trying too hard to convince us that Ricky Wade is as cool as everyone says he is.  If you have to work that hard to convince people that you’re cool, then you’re probably not.

Song of the Day: My Name Is Nobody by Ennio Morricone


My Name Is Nobody (1973, dir by Tonino Valerii)

Today’s song of the day comes from Ennio Morricone’s score for the 1973 Italian comedic western, My Name Is Nobody.  Though Sergio Leone is only credited as having produced the film, most sources seem to agree that he pretty much directed it as well.  As such, it’s certainly appropriate that My Name Is Nobody would have a classic Morricone score.

As befits the film, Morricone’s music is notably light-hearted, especially when compared to some of his other work.  With this score, I think we get to hear Morricone having a bit of fun.

From Ennio Morricone, here’s My Name Is Nobody, from the soundtrack of the movie with the same name.

Previous Entries In Our Tribute To Morricone:

  1. Deborah’s Theme (Once Upon A Time In America)
  2. Violaznioe Violenza (Hitch-Hike)
  3. Come Un Madrigale (Four Flies on Grey Velvet)
  4. Il Grande Silenzio (The Great Silence)
  5. The Strength of the Righteous (The Untouchables)
  6. So Alone (What Have You Done To Solange?)
  7. The Main Theme From The Mission (The Mission)
  8. The Return (Days of Heaven)
  9. Man With A Harmonic (Once Upon A Time In The West)
  10. The Ecstasy of Gold (The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly)
  11. The Main Theme From The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly)
  12. Regan’s Theme (The Exorcist II: The Heretic)
  13. Desolation (The Thing)
  14. The Legend of the Pianist (The Legend of 1900)
  15. Theme From Frantic (Frantic)
  16. La Lucertola (Lizard In A Woman’s Skin)
  17. Spasmodicamente (Spasmo)
  18. The Theme From The Stendhal Syndrome (The Stendhal Syndrome)

A Pretty Strong “Wimp Digest”


Ryan C. (fourcolorapocalypse)'s avatarRyan C.'s Four Color Apocalypse

To address the elephant in the room right at the outset, yes — Josh Pettinger and Evan Salazar’s new eight-page mini, Wimp Digest, is a “gimmick” comic, the stunt in question being that Salazar is writing and drawing a mildly embarrassing anecdote about Pettinger’s childhood, and Pettinger is writing and drawing a mildly embarrassing anecdote about Salazar’s childhood. Got that?

I’m sure you do, as the idea of one cartoonist telling the other a story for them to commit to paper, and the other doing the same, isn’t a terribly difficult conceit to grasp — nor is this comic itself a difficult one to kick back and spend about 15 minutes with. It’s a fun, kinda heartwarming, and certainly well-illustrated little number by two of the more promising new (-ish, at any rate) talents in the “indie”/self-publishing scene (although, as I’m sure you won’t be surprised to discover, the…

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Lifetime Film Review: Murder in the Vineyard (dir by Craig Goldstein)


If you’ve watched enough Lifetime films, you know that it’s rarely a good thing when you’re living near a vineyard.

I mean, sure, there’s a certain amount of romance to them.  Any single mom who lives in a house near a vineyard is guaranteed to meet at least one handsome stranger.  And, of course, living near a vineyard always means that you have a steady supply of wine so that you can have a fun girl’s night with your sassy, sex-obsessed best friend.

But, seriously, bad stuff happens in those vineyards.  It seems like people are always getting chased around the vineyards.  Often times, spending a night in the vineyards is a good way to get yourself murdered.  Even if you somehow manage to survive your night in the vineyards, there’s still a good chance that you’ll end up getting kidnapped and tied up in someone’s wine cellar.  Vineyards just aren’t worth the trouble.  As if to prove my point, Murder in the Vineyard aired on Lifetime on July 18th.  I recorded it on my DVR (which, unlike a vineyard, is always a good place to visit) and then I watched it earlier today.

Murder in the Vineyard starts off on a good note by featuring a murder in a vineyard.  Within the first few minutes, the film has already lived up to its name and that’s definitely something that I appreciated.  Once we get the first murder out of the way, we met Emma Kirk (Helena Mattsson) and her teenage daughter, Bea (Emma Fuhrmann).  Emma has just taken over the family winery and Bea is struggling to fit in at her new school.  While Emma reconnects with a childhood love, Bea strikes up a tentative relationship with the school football star.

Unfortunately, not everyone at the school is happy about the idea of Bea showing up out of nowhere and dating one of the most popular guys in the class.  The snobby cheerleaders, who we’re told have a history of hazing new students, start to target her.  Suddenly, there’s a website that’s devoted exclusively to harassing Bea.  Nasty rumors are being spread about her at school.  When she goes to a party, someone slips something into her drink.  Someone is targeting Bea and, as you might guess from that murder that we saw earlier in the movie, that someone is prepared to go to extremes.

As far as dangerous vineyard movies are concerned, Murder in the Vineyard was a good one.  There was enough suspense over who was harassing Bea that the film worked as a mystery and the scenes when Emma reconnects with Luke (Daniel Hall) were enjoyable.  Helena Mattsson and Daniel Hall made for a cute couple so you definitely hoped the best for them.  Mattsson and Emma Fuhrmann were also believable as mother and daughter and anyone who was overprotected by their mom will be able to relate to some of what Bea goes through.  Probably the best thing about the film is that the vineyard was pretty.  It was a bit like a Lifetime version of Sideways, in that as much emphasis was put on the beauty of the California landscape as on the plot.  If someone’s going to get murdered in your vineyard, it should at least be a pretty one.