I am not back yet. Health issues aside, I have been having major computer issues for more than a month now that are going to make regular posts out of the question. Also, my mom passed away suddenly two weeks before Christmas. Things aren’t so good here at the moment. However, I did watch over 1,100 movies in 2017, so I figured my requisite end of the year post was something I should do no matter how lean it may be because I can’t really take screenshots and lost the ones I took during the year.

The same rules as last year still apply:

1. There is no particular order to the films in these lists. They either made it, or not.
2. These are not necessarily films that came out in 2017. In fact, none did–darn Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back at the Return Of The Jedi being decent, if still a mess. These are films that I saw for the first time in 2017.
3. The gems list are films that don’t make the best list, but I want to put a spotlight on them.
4. If you disagree with any of my choices. Good! I want people to form their own opinions and think for themselves. But if you care to share those opinions, then be nice about it, or you won’t receive a response from me.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

Best:

1. The Telephone Book (1971)
2. At Berkeley (2013)
3. Samurai Cop (1991)
4. Vampire’s Kiss (1988)
5. The Beguiled (1971)
6. Fire In The Sky (1993)
7. And The Band Played On (1993)
8. Coal Miner’s Daughter (1980)
9. StageFright (1987)
10. Deadpool (2016)
11. The Hit Girl (2013)
12. A Simple Life (2011)
13. 45 Years (2015)
14. Barbara Broadcast (1977)
15.  3 A.M. (1975)
16. Magnum Force (1973)
17. The Mechanic (1972)
18. Romancing The Stone (1984)
19. Censored Voices (2015)
20. Marshland (2014)
21. Nostalgia For The Light (2010)
22. Stir Of Echoes (1999)
23. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
24. Malcolm (1986)
25. The Forbidden Room (2015)

Poster for Roar (1981)

Except for that one lion that you can see someone kick in the face a couple of times. Otherwise, this movie that portrays lions as slasher movie villains was totally humane to animals. It’s right about the actors.

Speaking of Melanie Griffith, she would end up having some of her most memorable lines from Working Girl (1988) lifted to be in Fifty Shades Darker (2017).

From Working Girl:

New Secretary: Maybe now would be a good time to go over what you expect of me.
Tess: I, uh, I expect you to call me Tess. I don’t expect you fetch me coffee unless you’re getting some for yourself, and um…the rest we’ll just make up as we go along.

From Fifty Shades Darker:

New “Secretary”: I mean, am-am I expected to call you Miss Steele?
Anastasia: I expect you to call me Ana. And I don’t expect you to fetch me coffee unless you’re getting some for yourself. And…the rest of it, we’ll just make up as we go along.

Worst:

1. The Letters (2014)
2. Emmanuelle In Rio (2003)
3. Bat Pussy (1973)
4. Lethal Games (1991)
5. Sunburst (1975)
6. Roar (1981)
7. Knock Knock (2015)
8. I Am Here… Now (2009)
9. Cabin Fever (2002) & Cabin Fever (2016) — They can share a spot.
10. Fantasies (1981)
11. Lady In The Water (2006)
12. Dreamcatcher (2003)
13. Adult Entertainment: Disrobing An American Idol (2007)
14. All the Paul W.S. Anderson/Milla Jovovich Resident Evil movies — They can also share a single spot.
15. Hillary’s America: The Secret History Of The Democratic Party (2016)
16. Jem And The Holograms (2015)
17. The 5th Wave (2016)
18. Split (2016) — The one directed by Jamie Buckner.
19. Stir Of Echoes: The Homecoming (2007)
20. The Tomb (2009)
21. Different Strokes (1998)
22. Deadly Spygames (1989)
23. Incoming Freshman (1979) — The Cannon re-edit of the film. I couldn’t find a copy of the original version.
24. White Fury (1990)
25. The Hunchback Of Notre Dame (1996) — The Golden Films version under the banner of “Enchanted Tales.” You know, the one about talking musical instruments with a few minutes of a guy who walks around hunched over with hair in his face that stands up straight and brushes his hair out of the way to solve his problems at the end. That one.

VHS Cover for Shark’s Paradise (1986)

And that force is a group of Australian actors doing their best to start a Miami Vice-like show with a TV Movie about chasing after someone that is using sharks to kill people.

Gems:

1. The Subspecies series — The entire series is fun. Pro tip: You don’t have to watch Vampire Journals (1997) to see the 4th film.
2. Future Hunters (1986)
3. Hercules In The Haunted World (1961)
4. Laser Mission (1989)
5. Warriors Of The Wasteland (1983)
6. Shark’s Paradise (1986)
7. Deadly Friend (1986)
8. The Witchcraft series — All of them. From the birth of William in the really boring first film to the meta 16th film, they are all worth seeing if you enjoy bad movies. Some of them are much worse than others, but I had a really good time with these movies, and I hope they make more of them.
9. Zombi 3 (1988)
10. Queens Of Evil (1970)
11. Killdozer (1974)
12. Café Flesh (1982) or Café Flesh (1986) as it is now listed on IMDb
13. Old Enough (1984)
14. The Hunted (1995)
15. Outland (1981)
16. Technology/Transformation Wonder Woman (1978/9)
17. Enter The Ninja (1981)
18. Coming Home (2014)
19. The House By The Cemetery (1981)
20. Short Term 12 (2013)
21. My Dog Tulip (2009)
22. Pledge Sister (1973) — This one made the list purely on the grounds of its soundtrack, which includes everything from Gregorian Chants to directly lifting Sunshine Superman by Donovan. And they use it better than Pan (2015) did Smells Like Teen Spirit or Vacation (2015) did Without You. I hope that whoever put the soundtrack together for this otherwise anonymous 70’s adult film went on to do work in mainstream cinema.
23. A Thief In The Night (1972)
24. East Side Sushi (2014)
25. Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003)