Tonight’s episode of The Walking Dead was the type of episode that drives me crazy. It was an episode where hardly anything happened and what did happen played out very slowly. In fact, I eventually ended up getting so bored that I started trying to imagine how The Walking Dead could ever come up with an episode slower than “The Other Side.”
After giving it some thought, I decided the only way it could happen would be if Terrence Malick agreed to be a guest director during season 8. As I sat waiting for something to happen in the episode that I was actually watching, I found myself imagining what the Malick-directed episode would be like.
I envisioned Rick standing alone in a vibrantly green field. The grass is high and the blowing wind creates gentle waves of nature. Rick looks up to the incredibly blue sky and sees one extremely white cloud floating over. Rick looks down at the ground. An egg hatches. A bird is born. Rick stares at the bird. The bird stares at him. They both flash back to prehistory. A sabre tooth tiger eats a caveman who looks suspiciously like Norman Reedus. Rick blinks. Rick’s back in the field. Christian Bale walks by, dressed up like a 1930s Oklahoma dust bowl farmer. He looks at Rick. Rick stares back. Christian Bale walks on.
On the soundtrack, we hear Ben Kinglsey’s voice. “What is this nature of man that refuses to accept that death begins with life and life ends with death? Will the grass blow for an eternity?”
Rick looks off in the distance. Walkers are approaching.
On the soundtrack, we hear Jessica Chastain’s voice: “I will wait you at the other end of the river, where the two waters meet in life and diverge in death.”
“Shane, Glenn, and old Dale Horvath,” Rick mutters, “Always you are at war within me.”
The walkers calmly walk by Rick. Rick notices that a man in animal skins is with the walkers and yet, the man is not eaten because he has returned to a more innocent and primitive state….
And so on and so forth.
Anyway, as for what actually did happen during tonight’s episode of The Walking Dead, I guess this was a pretty good example of why I should be careful what I ask for. For weeks, I’ve been defending Rosita and saying that people should let her attack the Sanctuary. Well, tonight, she and Sasha finally made it to the Sanctuary and that attack did not go quite as planned. First off, Eugene refused to go back to Alexandria with them. (A better name for the Sanctuary would be Stockholm because Eugene’s got a huge case of Stockholm Syndrome, am I right or am I right? Thank you, I’ll be here all night.) Then Sasha announced that Rosita needed to go back to Alexandria and ran into the Sanctuary to create a diversion. With Sasha undoubtedly getting shot up by Negan’s goons, Rosita ran off but then stopped when she saw someone in the shadows. I’m assuming it was Daryl.
(By the way, I know we’re all supposed to get mad at Rosita for potentially messing up Rick’s plans but seriously, can you blame her? Rick only has one plan: Do nothing until that’s no longer an option, sacrifice half of your people on a suicide mission, and make sure Carl survives to lose another eye.)
This all happened in the final ten minutes of the episode and it was pretty good and exciting. But to get to that point, we had to sit through a seemingly endless slog of scenes that mostly felt like filler. The Saviors showed up at Alexandria and, once again, we had to watch Simon bully Gregory while everyone else stood around and shook their head in disgust. Because Negan set his last doctor on fire, he decided to take Alexandria’s doctor.
“OH MY GOD!” the audience was supposed to shout, “Maggie’s pregnant and Alexandria has lost their only doctor!”
(Maggie’s been pregnant for a while now and she’s still not showing. Trying to figure out how much time has actually passed in The Walking Dead is almost as much fun as trying to figure out how long they were actually on the island on Lost.)
And yes, Negan arbitrarily taking someone else’s doctor because he stupidly killed his own does reinforce the fact that Negan is a jackass and something needs to be done about him. But seriously, it all played out so slowly. And it’s not like Gregory was going to refuse to hand over the doctor or anything. Other than Daryl almost coming out of hiding to attack someone, nothing unexpected or particularly interesting happened during all of that. It was all just more Savior bully bullshit.
When we weren’t in Alexandria, we spent an eternity watching Rosita raise and lower a rifle. At one point, I was scared that the whole rest of this season would just be Rosita raising the rifle, looking through the scope, and then lowering it.
Fortunately, this episode ended with some action but it took forever to get there. There’s only two more episodes left in this season so hopefully, the show will pick up the pace a little. Because, seriously, if season 7 ends with Rick announcing that it’s finally time to attack as he stares at the Sanctuary in the distance, I’m going to throw a fit.