Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #5: 2 Lava 2 Lantula (dir by Nick Simon)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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I recorded 2 Lava 2 Lantula off of the SyFy Network on August 6th.

A sequel to last year’s sleeper hit, Lavalantula, 2 Lava 2 Lantula aired shortly after SyFy’s 2016 Shark Week.  Naturally, I watched and live tweeted it.  I have to admit that my 2 Lava 2 Lantula live tweet was probably one of my weaker live tweets of the summer.  For whatever reason, my naturally brilliant wit failed me on that night.  That’s not the fault of the film, which is wonderfully snark-worthy and was obviously made to appeal to live tweeters like me.  Maybe I was just tired.  After all, I was still recovering from the epic Sharknado 4 live tweet.

It’s pretty much impossible to talk about the Lavalantula films without also talking about the Sharknado franchise.  Even more so than the first film, 2 Lava 2 Lantula is, for all intents and purposes, a Sharknado film, with the sharks replaced by giant spiders and Steve Guttenberg playing the Ian Ziering role.  Otherwise, both franchises feature the same campy sense of humor and over the top sensibility.  Both franchises share a love for (deliberately) cartoonish CGI and callbacks to other cult films.  These are films that wink at the audience and say, “We’re in on the joke … are you?”  It’s easy to imagine that, if Ian Ziering and Tara Reid ever start demanding too much money to appear in another Sharknado, Steve Guttenberg and the Lavalantula crew could step in and take their place without missing a beat.

(Ian Ziering even made a cameo appearance in the first Lavalantula, establishing that both franchises take place in the same cinematic universe.)

Wisely, 2 Lava 2 Lantula doesn’t waste any time getting started.  The film opens with fire-breathing spiders suddenly showing up in Florida and it doesn’t devote much time to worrying about how they showed up.  The important thing is that they’re there, they’re breathing fire, and somebody has to save the world.  Luckily, film star Colton West (Guttenberg, of course) is in Florida, shooting a cop movie.  He and his friend, Marty (Michael Winslow), saved Los Angeles in the first film.  Now, they’re going to save Florida!

They’re also going to have to save his daughter, Raya (Michele Weaver), who is fleeing through a burning Miami with her friend, Daniella (Lorynn York).  Daniella has a nasty lavalantula burn on her shoulder and, if you’re familiar with SyFy films, you can already guess what’s going to eventually burst out of Daniella’s back.  That’s one thing about 2 Lava 2 Lantula: it knows, understands, and respects the rules of SyFy.

There’s a scene where Colton is confronted by some soldiers who refuses to let him drive into a restricted zone.  Colton tells them, “My name is Colton West, authorized movie star.”  That really tells you everything that you need to know about 2 Lava 2 Lantula.  It’s a film that refuses to apologize for being ludicrous.  Instead, it embraces the silliness of it all.  Not only does it feature giant, fire-breathing spiders and Steve Guttenberg as a badass action hero but it also finds the time to throw in homages to everything from Dr. Strangelove to Independence Day.  Colton’s speech on why Florida is the best should do a lot to help that beleaguered state feel better about itself.

Whether you’ll like 2 Lava 2 Lantula depends on whether or not you like SyFy films in general.  If you’re not a fan of SyFy’s aesthetic style … well, then you probably wouldn’t be watching a film called 2 Lava 2 Lantula in the first place.  But, for the rest of us, this is a fun little movie that promises fire-breathing spiders and delivers.

Who can’t get into that?

Music Video of the Day: Side To Side by Ariana Grande ft. Nicki Minaj (2016, dir. Hannah Lux Davis)


Let’s see what things I have already talked about in the area of sex when it comes to music videos:

-Laura Branigan brought us an orgy and being seduced with Self Control.
-Cyndi Lauper brought us masturbation with She Bop.
-Fiona Apple brought us the uncomfortably erotic Criminal that looks like it was shot on the set of a 70’s porno.
-Fifth Harmony loaded Work From Home with sexual references.

I think that’s it.

I didn’t think I would get to a music video in the area of anal sex, or rough sex, depending on how you interpret “getting railed”, till I did Dog Police.

I love that this music video about anal/rough sex is sponsored by Guess. It even premiered on their website.

There isn’t much to say if you’re my age–I thought. I take one look at this and think: Let’s get physical! Physical! I wanna get physical! Except can we do it in a way that comes across as somebody trying to be shocking instead of making something clever?

Director Hannah Lux Davis clearly had that music video in mind when she made this. The look of this gym is based on the one from Physical.

According to Grande in an interview with Ryan Seacrest, she thinks the album Dangerous Woman will move her away from her Nickelodeon image:

“It still sounds like me, but it feels like a more mature, evolved version. There’s a nice blend of the R&B vibes and a nice blend of pop vibes. The whole body of work is a little darker and sexier and more mature…”

Maybe she pulled that logic from Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball. The difference is that the music video for Wrecking Ball referenced Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O’Connor, True Colors by Cyndi Lauper, and being her real-self instead of an image assigned to her by others via a reference to the wig from Hannah Montana which represented disguising who you are to please others. That was well-done. The song also had meat and punch to it.

This has Grande wearing a hat that says she is an “Icon” as a stand-in for a mostly shaved head. It has her dressed in an allegedly sexy manner that I guess represents maturity and being herself as a sexual being who isn’t ashamed to talk about anal/rough sex. It also has men turned into Ken dolls that I’m assuming are supposed to be a replacement for the newly buff guys pairing off and leaving the gym together in Physical. Otherwise, I’m not sure why they are around at all. It comes across as similar, but it doesn’t have the same impact when I watch it. I don’t feel anything when I hear the song.

I have never watched her Nickelodeon show, so I am not familiar with what her image was there. However, I can speak about Disney, which is along the same lines. This doesn’t break from that image at all. There’s sex all over their shows in one form or another.

That’s really it. It’s a more explicitly sexed-up version of a late-90s pop-princess music video based on Olivia Newton-John’s Physical, trying to do the same kind of thing as what that video and Wrecking Ball did for Newton-John and Cyrus, respectively. I hope that if she wants to move away from her Nickelodeon image, that she doesn’t let herself get trapped in this image. She has plenty of time. She’s only 23.

6 from 2016:

  1. Music Video of the Day: Work From Home by Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign (2016, dir. Director X)

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #4: The Watcher (dir by Ryan Rothmaier)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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Check out the couple in the picture above.

Wow, they sure do look happy, don’t they?  That’s Emma (Erin Cahill) and Noah (Ed Gathegi) and they have every reason to happy!  They’ve just bought a new home!  It’s a nice big, house and it’s in what appears to be a perfect neighborhood.  Sure, the neighbors are a little quiet and some of them occasionally appear to be giving the new couple a strange look but that’s probably nothing, right?  And sure, the house was a little bit cheaper than expected because, a few years ago, there was a death.  People have died in the house.

But you know what?  People die every day.  And a lot of them do so in a house.  If you refused to live in a house just because someone died in it, you’d probably never be able to live anywhere…

Of course, this house was apparently the scene of a murder but again, these things happen.

The screenshot above is from a movie called The Watcher, which I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 9th.  Since The Watcher premiered in the Halloween month, you can probably guess what happens once Emma and Noah move into their new house.  There are strange deliveries.  There are strange noises.  Strange notes, some delivered via a dead animal, start to show up.  The notes inform the couple that they are being watched.

Who is watching them?

The Raven.

Who is the Raven?  And does it have anything to do with a huge black raven that the local neighborhood boy, Mickey (Riley Baron), claims to have seen near the house?  You’ll have to watch the movie to find out…

(Interestingly enough, this was all loosely based on a true story.)

Usually, I’m a bit skeptical of Lifetime horror films.  You can read my review of Amish Witches to find out why but, to put it simply, the Lifetime format doesn’t always lend itself to horror.  But The Watcher actually works surprisingly well.  As directed by Ryan Rothmaier, The Watcher is an atmospheric and well-acted portrait of housebound horror.  The film ends with a twist that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and yet it works because it is just so odd and totally out there.  The implausibility of the twist actually adds to The Watcher‘s dream-like atmosphere.

I recommend watching The Watcher.

 

Turn That Frown Upside Down With ANCHORS AWEIGH (MGM 1945)


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(Post-election blues got you depressed? Cheer up, buttercup, here’s a movie musical guaranteed to lift your sagging spirits!) 

Gene Kelly  and Frank Sinatra’s first screen pairing was ANCHORS AWEIGH, a fun-filled musical with a Hollywood backdrop that’s important in film history for a number of reasons: it gave Kelly his first chance to create his own dance routines for an entire film, it’s Sinatra’s first top-billed role (he was red-hot at the time), it gives viewers a glimpse of the MGM backlot in the Fabulous 40’s, and it features the iconic live action/animation dance between Kelly and Jerry the Mouse (of TOM & JERRY fame). It’s a showcase of Hollywood movie magic, and was nominated for five Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Actor (Kelly), Color Cinematography (Charles P. Boyle), and Song (Jule Styne & Sammy Cahn’s ” I Fall in Love Too Easily”), winning for George Stoll’s Best Original…

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Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #3: Amish Witches (dir by Jake Wade Wall)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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I recorded Amish Witches on October 29th, off of Lifetime.  I recorded it even though I was watching it at the time.  That’s my usual practice when it comes to Lifetime and SyFy films but what’s interesting is that I actually rewatched Amish Witches immediately after it ended.  That’s right — I watched this movie twice in one night and yet I still could not bring myself to actually review the damn thing.  In fact, the only reason that I’m reviewing it now is because I desperately need to get rid of it so that I can make room on my DVR.  As far as Amish Witches goes, there’s just so little to say about it.

I attempted to live tweet this film twice.  During my first attempt, the best tweet that I could come up with was:

That should tell you about how uninspiring Amish Witches was.

I then did a special live feed for my friends on the west coast and, even with the advantage of having already seen the film, I still couldn’t come up with anything better than:

Seriously, it was a tragic state of affairs!

Anyway, I have now sat through Amish Witches three times and it’s still a struggle for me to really understand what the point of the film was.  Supposedly, it’s based on a true story.  In order to convince us of how truthful it all is, the film does the whole found footage thing.  A film crew is shooting a documentary about an Amish sect with the local Brauchau dies.  Brauchau is apparently the Amish term for witch.  What’s interesting is that my closed captioning insisted that the Amish weren’t saying Brauchau and, instead, they were saying Bruja.  Bruja, of course, is the Spanish word for witch and I have to admit that I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why the Amish would be speaking Spanish.

(In the end, I believe it was an issue with whoever transcribed the film’s dialogue and not with the film itself.)

Anyway, because the Brauchau was being shunned, she is not buried on consecrated ground and she is also buried in black.  (Apparently, Amish in good standing are buried in white.)  Not even the Bishop comes to the funeral!  Soon, strange things start to happen around the Amish village.  It’s supposed to be scary but, for the most part, it’s just loud noises and occasionally mysterious finger prints showing up on a window pane.  Could it be that the spirit of the Bauchau is upset over her unconsecrated burial!?

Well, wouldn’t you be?

Anyway (and yes, I realize that I’m using that term a lot but this is one of those films that just makes you yell, “Anyway!”), Amish Witches is a slow-moving film that doesn’t really add up to much.  Lifetime premiered several horror-themed films for Halloween but, as Amish Witches demonstrates, Lifetime may not be the right channel for a true horror film.  Amish Witches features a lot of people screaming and, since it’s found footage, it does the whole shaky cam thing but it never adds up to much.  Since you know you’re watching a Lifetime film, you also know that nothing truly terrifying is going to happen.  There’s no risk of anyone getting eaten by a zombie in between commercials for Dance Moms and AARP.  There’s a shot of a hanging body at one point but that’s pretty much it.

As I mentioned, Amish Witches is a found footage film and, in many ways, its epitomizes everything that I tend to despise about that genre.  It does all the usual tricks — out-of-focus shots, shakey hand-held stuff, and plenty of “Are you getting this!?” dialogue but it still never feels in any way authentic.

Speaking of authentic, you have to feel bad for the Amish.  Because people assume that they’ve rejected the outside world, they’re an easy target for bad movies.  After all, filmmakers tend to assume, they’re never going to see the movie so they’re not going to complain, right?  If you want to see a real documentary about the Amish, I suggest tracking down a 2002 film called Devil’s Playground.  It’ll change everything that you assume when you hear the word “Amish.”

Music Video of the Day: Work From Home by Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign (2016, dir. Director X)


I thought it would be fun to get out of my comfort-zone for a bit. That’s why I have picked out six music videos to feature over the next six days that are from 2016. That’s it. I just went with whatever music video YouTube recommended after picking out this one.

First things first, despite anything else I say about this music video, I am grateful for the beginning that tells me who the director is, along with the song title and artists. I think this “featuring” thing is as stupid as when they used to list people as “guest stars” in a movie.

I basically stopped listening to new music around 2005 or so. I came across this by accident. However, bands like this are nothing new. They go back at least as far as barbershop quartets. Let’s be fair, and compare them to similar 90s bands. Comparing this to Lollipop by Chordettes wouldn’t be right.

Based solely on this music video, do they hold up to a comparison with TLC or En Vogue? No, they most certainly don’t. Those are apt comparisons. I hear this song and My Lovin (You’re Never Gonna Get It) by En Vogue pops into my head. So does No Scrubs by TLC.

As for the music video…*shrugs*. I’m assuming the intended message is that you don’t have to go out there cheating because your woman at home (???) is horny and needs your attention if you intend to stay together. Hence the chorus about you not having to go to work, but still having to work, and letting their bodies do the work. Work away from home being a metaphor for cheating and working from home being about maintaining a relationship. I’m also assuming that Dolla $ign carrying around a sledgehammer is a reference to their song Sledgehammer, and I have no doubt that Director X was also referencing the Peter Gabriel song of the same title.

According to Wikipedia, the music video was well-received by at least two critics who praised it for the usual things having to do with men and them coming into their own with this video.

I can say that the first is superficial, but if it makes any women feel empowered, then great. I don’t see it acting as a gateway to better groups in that area such as Girlschool, The Donnas, Bikini Kill, and Joan Jett & The Blackhearts.

The second I really can’t speak to seeing as this is my first exposure to them. Taking a quick glance at their other music videos doesn’t help. I watch them, and a group like Dream, with their song He Love U Not, comes to mind. Just add more sex and clearly more success.

There isn’t much more unless I want to get snarky about the references to penis size and doggie-style.

Will this go into my collection of pop songs that I like? No. I will remember how the lyrics say the one lady is submissive, but the music video has her pulling out a tape measurer. I will also remember that people are still getting worked up over repetitious lyrics for reasons beyond me.

Director X seems to have been making music videos since the late-90s with around 200 credits to his name.

Since I brought them up, I’ll end this on a song by Girlschool. I don’t like to include other music videos in these posts, so here is just the song Don’t Call It Love by Girlschool.

Beauty and the Beast Cordially Invites You


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Anyone who grew up during the late 80’s and through the early 90’s saw the return to it’s Golden Age of Disney animation. The Little Mermaid was the first to start it, but it was the follow-up animated film Beauty and the Beast which announced loudly that Disney was back after years upon years of lackluster and underwhelming animated films.

Disney is now in the midst of another era of dominating the film industry with both it’s live-action and animated films. Recent years saw Disney take some of its classic animated films of the past and adapt them into live-action films. We’ve gotten live-action version of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty (redone as Maleficent)

Next in line is the upcoming live-action adaptation of Disney’s own animated film (which itself was an adaptation of earlier films of the same title and premise) of Beauty and the Beast with Emma Watson, Dan Stevens and Luke Evans taking on the three iconic roles of Belle, the Beast and Gaston.

Beauty and the Beast is set to invite all as its guests on March 17, 2017.

Channel Zero: Guest of Honor, Season 1 Episode 5; ALT Title: Who has time for the dentist?!


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Challenges for mankind to endure: Chlamydia, Explosive Diarrhea, Channel Zero.   I’m not writing that Channel Zero is identical to chlamydia; to get chlamydia, you needed to have fun at least once.

Open: Jessica is exsanguinating in a kiddie pool.

Marla’s House:  Marla is being pretty nice to her son and granddaughter.  Mike looks like Hell and he goes to the bathroom to see that there is a tooth growing out of his upper gums. The episode goes downhill from here, but stick with me and we can get through this together.

Mike’s Wife arrives and it’s very banal.  It’s not like anything happened like his creepy brother Eddie Stabbypants was possessing Lilly!  Then, Amy shows up and breaks the meh news that Jessica is stabbed to death.

The Station: Deputy orders an APB for Tooth Teacher, leaving her understaffed.  However, Amy’s manpower issue creates a good contrived plot point.  I can’t imagine why she did an APB; everyone in this town is pretty ok with stabbing and being stabbed.  They should really include their stabbiness at the Chamber of Commerce Visitor’s Center.

Mike decides that he wants to go to Tooth Teacher’s house.  Amy can’t spare any cops; so, the obvious choice is Gary who is grieving his wife’s murder and kidnapped Mike.  Fine. They arrive and look around Tooth Teacher’s home and find some ersatz Candle Cove props.  Tooth Teacher calls Mike and convinces him to see her alone at a random location.  He goes because fine.

Dork Deputy is assigned to find Mike.  Dork Deputy is able to find Mike easily somehow.  When he finds Mike, he is talked into waiting alone for Mike because this would make sense someway. Shit, I forgot to take my stupid pills before watching this show.  Quick, just hit me with a fucking hammer in the head.  Don’t hold back.   WHAM!!! AHHHHHHHH.   Dork Deputy is promptly stabbed by Tooth Teacher who is dressed in an almost certainly Value Village/Goodwill purchased costume. For some reason, Mike takes a nap and a has dream sequence with him as a marionette. Really…I mean…Really, this scene was written and filmed … on purpose.  

Tooth Teacher shows up at Mike’s house and INSISTS that he and his mom eat pie.  He looks like shit.  We learn that Eddie is very powerful and created Candle Cove.  In the past, the Tooth Teacher was having a seizure and Eddie relieved Tooth Teacher of a seizure, making her a permanent disciple.  As a good cult member, she let Eddie kill her only son because that’s what people do.  Tooth Teach explains that Eddie is slowly possessing Mike now.  All of this was over only ONE slice of pie. I think she should’ve thrown in some ice cream or fruit.  It’s clear that the gross tooth is a possession tooth.

Mike’s response is to be aaaaaa dennnnnntist [sung] and pulls the Possession Tooth out.

A motel: Lilly is with her mom at a hotel and then ends up in the TV in Candle Cove somehow.  Roll Credits.

This was pretty par for Channel Zero.  They tried to build suspense and it was just boring.