Channel Zero, A Strange Vessel, Season 1, Ep 4; ALT Title: Paper Mache and You!


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There are times in a person’s life that test your very ability to function: Boot camp, the death of a loved one, and watching Channel Zero.  There are things that are entertaining to my Gentle Readers because they are shared fun like when I review Stranger Things, Halloween H2O, 28 Days Later, or People of Earth, but I know there’s another kind of fun – a darker fun … AKA Schadenfreude like when I watch/review Halloween Resurrection, but this is so painful.  When you read the review of this show, you know I had to do three things: 1) watch it, 2) think about it, and 3) write about it; none of these things are short of misery. However Friday, I get a tooth extraction…so that’s a big step up!  When I write that this show is the worst steaming pile of shit ever to be splatted on our cathode ray tubes and you think I’m being unfair, Listen – There’s WHOLE scenes featuring Paper Mache and I don’t mean just a couple either.

Opening: 1988 Eddie or Mike is drawing Bones; they’re twins so big deal.  Draw whatever you want!

The Creepiest Children’s Hospital:

Jess is walking with her stabbed son to visit his sister Stabbypants and stops to look at the candle cove crayon drawings, but she did that in the last episode.  Maybe she’s trying to become a curator 0r docent of creepy hospital crayon art?  They visit his sister and tell her, “We’re not mad at you.” REALLY?!  I put my daughters in timeout for just using “hurting hands”.  JESS- WORST MOM EVER! I’m judging you Jess! YOU’VE BEEN JUDGED!  Stabbed Son secrets Stabbypants a tooth.

Jess visits her vigilante husband.  He has her get his gun for protection.

Mike calls his wife.  She’s in Seattle and he tells her that their daughter appeared at his Mom’s house out of nowhere from several hundred miles away and he seems genuinely surprised that she wants to come over there.  REALLY?! WORD?!  Oh God, Oh God, There’s so much more to go!  

Amy is in her office and stares at the weirdest gift ever- a pot of mushrooms.  This mystery is solved by Dork Deputy who explains that he grew them for her and asks her out and is turned down.  I can’t see why this didn’t work!  I mean … we all know…  Every girl crazy ’bout a Mushroom Man! [sung as ZZ Top].

Flashback: Jess and Mike were a kid couple.  Eddie’s jealous.  That’s it.

Marla’s house:  We learn by a lot of telling that Lily- Mike’s Daughter- is possessed by Eddie.  Brightside: This creates a twofer for Thanksgiving – Lily/Eddie!!!  Lily pulls out a pirate doll from Mike’s past.

Lily’s Dream sequence: It’s paper mache of a rabbit’s face.  No… Really, this scene featuring Paper Mache was done on purpose.

Mike talks to Lily/Eddie.  She says that it’s ok that he stabbed him, meaning Mike stabbing Eddie with a hook.  And, why shouldn’t he be?!  Everyone else on this dumbass show is very permissive with stabbings.  

We cut to his plan: Mike believes that if he steals Eddie’s body and cremates it, Eddie will rest.  Then, we see more images of a Paper Mache rabbit person trying to be silly. Sorry, I only assumed silly because it looked so stupid.  Fuck, More Paper Mache!!! Was there a sale at Joanne’s?!  

Amy goes to the school to talk to the creepy kids she saw acting out a stabbing.  Tooth Teacher stymies her at every turn.  Finally, Amy tracks down the kids.  They are acting out some of Candle Cove and for the win what are the kids dress up in?  If you said, “Shitty Paper Mache!”, you win!  If you got that right, there’s a slight chance that you watched this crapfest and shall always be my brother in pain. The kids all speak in a monotone to give that full-on Paper Mache of the Damned vibe.

Mike and Jess go to the morgue and get Eddie’s body.  This was really easy for them.  They must have a Take a Body Leave a Body Policy.

Mike and Jess burn Eddie’s body.

Amy decides for some reason that she wants to pork Dork Deputy.  Why? Who knows.  Then, she leaves and goes to Tooth Teacher’s house, breaks in, and finds the body of random lady that the lady Tooth Lady killed in the last episode.

Jess goes home and the Paper Mache of the Damned kid crew attack her and stab her to death, realizing their rehearsal that the Deputy saw in the previous episode.

The episode ends with Lily being Lily again.

Roll Credits!  Next Week on Channel Zero: SPOOKY DECOUPAGE!!!

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Why didn’t they use this paper mache?

joanne

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