Dearest Gentle Readers, we have reached the last installment of the Halloween review series- there have been peaks and there have been subterranean valleys. Halloween Resurrection is a valley that hides under a viaduct that is peed in constantly by drunken hobos; it’s not good.  Sorry to end on a low note, but Resurrection really shit the bed. Halloween H20 was a throwback to suspense and cleverness and Resurrection is a throwback to sitting in the DMV and hoping you’ll have a cardiac event.  It is obvious to me that the writing sunk this film.  The actors in both films were pretty good.  In fact, the second film had Katee Sackhoff of BSG fame, but terrible writing can sink the greatest performances.  In this case, Halloween Resurrection had the unholy mixture of being boring and preachy.  Not a huge shocker that the person who wrote Resurrection was Larry Brand who went on to bore us by writing the script for “Girl on the Train.”  Rick Rosenthal, the Resurrection director, is very talented, but when your script is garbage, you can’t expect miracles, but you can expect a terrible movie.

We begin by learning that JLC didn’t kill her brother; It was a setup.  BLECHHH! JLC is in an asylum and MM comes in, kills her, and gives the knife to a mental patient – framing him.  I’m not writing more than that because it sucked so bad.  This opening pissed me off because it negated the better previous film and did it in a shitty way. RAGE GROWING!!! The opening sequence deserves capital punishment and then to be dug up and shot.  RAGE!

HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS OVER LONG COLD OPEN:

*Breathes into paper bag*

Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are making an Internet reality show.  Sarah, the heroine, is ambivalent.  Katee Sackhoff plays a fame whore.  There’s a guy from American Pie.  There’s a very attractive Ginger.  A guy who looks like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.  A guy named Rudy.  Deckar is a 15 year old who is Sarah’s Internet Boyfriend and likely the first Internet catfish who never sees Sarah, but helps her along the way like Al in Quantum Leap (Quantum Leap was a show about how Presidents practiced nude decoupage….PROVE ME WRONG … by watching the show).

Busta and Tyra have set up all of the Internet participants to stay at the Haddonfield home of MM with crazy evil props everywhere – think if Big Brother took a psychopathic, yet boring left turn.

Deckar is convinced by his friend to go to a party and get offline because then they can meet people IRL and get laid.  Deckar’s friend has a point, but it gets belaboured because this movie sucks.  They go to a Halloween party dressed like Pulp Fiction characters because their 14 year old peers would totally get the reference somehow to a movie that came out when they were 4.  Deckar – a fifteen year old boy – sneaks away from the party, goes into a room alone, shuts the door, turns on the homeowner’s computer, gets comfy in swivel chair, goes onto the Internet, and totally does NOT engage in self-abuse….OKAY, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it! He watches the Big Brother from Hell and starts to think that there might be some real murdering going on in the BB From Hell House.

American Pie guy pervs on Katee Sackhoff and nearly gets some where, but is soon killed.

Teens walk in on Deckar, seeing him on the computer alone in the room and the teen boy shouts, PERV!  Finally, some honesty in this film in re: onanism! 

BB From Hell:  Booger tries to convince Ginger to have sex with him.  We learn that she is a”Critical Studies” major.  CRITICAL STUDIES?!!! CAN’T ANYTHING BE REAL?! Seriously movie, fuck off!  You’re not even trying!  Initially, Ginger spurns Booger’s moves, but then out of nowhere, Ginger needs to pork Booger.  FINE. 

Wait…I’m calling the police:

9-1-1: What is your emergency?

Me: I want to report an ongoing theft and assault.

9-1-1: What is being stolen and who is being assaulted?

Me: All viewers of this terrible film are having their valuable time stolen.

9-1-1: Sir, who is being assaulted?

Me: Art Itself!  FIND HIM…LARRY BRAND!

9-1-1:  Oh yeah, he did that terrible train movie thing…We’re inbound.

Sarah and the others confront Busta Rhymes about the BB House from Hell.  He admits that it’s all fake.  Soon after, all of the moderately interesting people are killed: Booger, Ginger, Katee Sackhoff, Rudy, and Tyra Banks (she’s killed off screen).

Only Busta and Sarah are left to save the day.  They battle MM and electrocute him, but he opens his eyes at the end, so whatever.

There are times when writers should be failed.

Wait, I just got a letter from Larry Brand. He apologizes for being just awful.