Gentle Readers, Is it time for Michael Myers? Oh yeah. Is it time for Halloween H20? Oh Yeah! Is it time for you to be thoroughly entertained by (depending on how busy the maternity wards were in ’77) the FIRST MILLENNIAL? You bet your ass it is!
Halloween H20 is a lot of fun and had a deep bench of talent. Robert Zappia and Matt Greenberg wrote the film and Veteran Horror Director Steve Miner helmed it. Robert Zappia went on to write for Children’s Television and Graphic Novels. Matt Greenberg later wrote “Reign of Fire” and “1408” – both films had good moments of suspense. I wrote to Robert Zappia and he informed me that the rest stop scene, which I will discuss later was written by Matt Greenberg. He and director Steve Miner knew what they were doing to jolt us without any jumpscares. The casting was very well done and, it was, in fact a who’s who of soon to be Stars. Here we go!!!
Langdon, Illinois. October 28, 1998. I just needed to smell the clove cigarettes, see the flannel, and not see any cell phones to know it. A simpler time. For the uninitiated, the 90s were a time when you met someone that you had attraction for in person and had …. let’s just say well made people. A Nurse is concerned that her office was broken into by a person unknown. We see younger Joseph Gordon Levitt (Pre-Looper). He was not manly in any way, but a real heart throb in his “3rd Rock” days. Of course, they have him playing Hockey … somehow. Nurse asks Levitt to search her home. He goofs around and steals some beers. The Nurse realizes that her files were stolen. Which files? Wait for it…. Laurie Strode’s. She looks around for Levitt and his friend. They were not so creatively killed with Hockey Skates to the face. He kills her too and steals her car. There is also a bit of continuity trouble with the daylight turning to night abruptly. Let’s take a moment and think about this: Michael Myers is really good at intelligence gathering, stealing, and killing. If only we could harness his skills for Uncle Sugar…..
We’re goin back to Haddonfield to Haddonfield to Haddonfield …. Nah, I don’t think so! [sung]
Random California Town: We see Jamie Lee Curtis fresh off from “True Lies”and the Headmistress of an elite boarding school. She has a grown son- Josh Hartnett (Josh) who really really wants to go camping in Yosemite. She won’t let him go. Sorry Josh, you’re just gonna have to stay home and make out with Michelle Williams. How will he possibly manage?! Speaking of the 90s, we’ve got Michelle Williams (MW), Chicago Hope Guy (CHG), Jodi Lynn O’Keefe (Jodi), LL Cool J (LL Cool J), and Ally McBeal (jk on this last one…probably). Through some not bad showing not telling, we learn: LL Cool J is an aspiring trashy romance novel writer AKA as a Paaaaaperback Wriiiiiiter, Jamie Lee and CHG are k-i-s-s-i-n-g, Jodi is dating a guy way below her level of hotness, and we can tell Michelle Williams is on financial aid because she works in the kitchen and uses a dumbwaiter.
CUT TO: A Mom pulls into a rest stop. We see the stolen car in the BG. This scene is pretty goddamn suspenseful! Well done, Robert Zappia. MM isn’t there to kill, just steal the mom’s car. Damn, MM is a great car thief!
Josh is all in lurve with Michelle Williams, sending her flowers in the dumbwaiter. JLC and CHG make out again. These are the horniest baby boomers ever! Josh wants to go into town. JLC says no. He convinces LL Cool J to let him sneak out. LL, I get it – Josh is dreamy, but you have a job responsibilities. Plus, I don’t think he’s the supermarket romance novel kind of guy; Josh’s more of the porking Michelle Williams kind of guy. JLC is out with CHG and snakes a drink when he goes to the bathroom. Good showing! She catches Josh off the compound…I mean school grounds. He lets her have it.
Back to the school: JLC releases the kids to Yosemite and her son so she believes so that the victims ….I mean residents….can be a …killable number. JLC gets home and boozes up. Josh has totally Dawson’s Creeked the make out basement area. I’m with Josh on this one. I’ve been to Yosemite and Yellowstone and thye’ve got Old Faithful, but if Michelle Williams is your other option …I don’t even want to write choice because Old Faithful could get its feelings hurt. I’m not saying that Josh isn’t planning on some regularly scheduled eruptions coupled with amateur photography, but it’s likely not at a national park.
JLC and CHG are making out … again. She tells him all about her brother being a murdering sociopath to set the mood and give herself an excuse to polish off more vodka.
This story has been pretty compelling, but it’s stabbing time. MM finds the way too ugly to date Jodi O’Keefe guy, cuts his throat, and puts him in the dumbwaiter. MM really likes things in their place; it makes you wonder if psychopathic murderers are OCD people gone to a terrible extreme. I knew a girl in college who would check her car doors to see if they were locked over and over. Maybe she murdered people too? Jodi looks for her BF and gets stalked by MM. She flees to the dumbwaiter and is next to her dead BF. She gets to the basement, but as she exits, MM cuts the dumbwaiter cord, the dumbwaiter lands on her leg, and her leg breaks horribly. Josh and Michelle find their friends all dead. They run to JLC. She sees her brother – Yikes. They must have the most awkward Thanksgivings! Seriously, it must be much worse than the year my girls and I wore Bernie Sanders shirts and my mom started quoting Ayn Rand over stuffing.
They all run and CHG accidentally shoots LL J. Bummer. CHG gets stabbed for his trouble. JLC ,MW, and Josh run, but he gets wounded and MW hits MM with a rock. Michelle Williams might be perfect: smart, can cook, gorgeous, can fight … Call Me. JLC badasses and sends MW and Josh off to safety as she gets an axe to deal with her brother. You go girl! They confront each other in the dining hall. It’s a pretty amazingly suspenseful scene. Seriously, the writer and director really kicked ass with this and many other scenes. Well done. JLC gets the upper hand and stabs MM. She’s ready to cut him up into bits when LL shows up, telling her he’s dead. Word? If only LL had been reading our reviews, he would know that this is not the end.
The Coroners show up, but JLC isn’t having it! She grabs the van and proceeds to drive MM out to the woods and chop his head off. Pretty awesome ending! I have to be honest this film is not really dated, it has terrific suspense, great writing, edgy directing. I would recommend making this a staple of Halloween season viewing.