Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 2.13 “Lisa’s Ex”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

I was a lot happier before I remembered this show existed.

Episode 2.13 “Lisa’s Ex”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on January 29th, 2000)

No, not my ex!  This episode is about Lisa, the fictional character’s, ex….

You know, it’s really frustrating that this show’s most annoying character happens to have the same name as me.  I want to complain about her but, at the same time, I feel an instant bond to anyone named Lisa, including fictional characters on terrible sitcoms.

That said, Lisa — the show’s Lisa — really is the worst.  In this episode, her ex-boyfriend, a basketball played named Troy Douglas — just happens to stop by the restaurant and see her.  Troy, we’re told, is an amazing NBA player, despite the fact that he appears to be about 5’8 and not particularly athletic.  Then again, the show also told us that Scott could be an Olympic-class swimmer despite having never trained and that Jason could get a record deal despite having no talent so I guess it all makes sense.

Anyway, Lisa hangs out with Troy and ends up kissing him on the beach.  Scott breaks up with her when he finds out and then acts all mopey about it.  “She could have been the one!” Scott says while the audience goes, “Awwww!”  Seriously, Lisa — the show’s Lisa — could have been the one?  This would be the same character who talks down to everyone, complains nonstop, and who has only been dating Scott for like a week.  She’s the one?

Fortunately (?), Lisa tells Troy to get lost.  Troy seems like a perfectly nice guy but we’re only supposed to care about Scott’s heartbreak.  Lisa apologizes to Scott.  Scott kisses Lisa.  “Whoooo!” says the audience.

Every episode of every Peter Engel-produced sitcom had an episode like this.  I have to admit that none of those other episodes annoyed quite as much as this episode of Malibu CA did.  I think it’s because 1) Lisa is a terrible character, 2) Marquita Terry gives a terrible performance in the role, 3) there’s zero chemistry between Marquita Terry and Trevor Merszei (who played Scott), and 4) even Scott deserves better than the treatment he got during this episode.  Lisa apologized for kissing Troy and that’s fine but she didn’t really say anything that would suggests that she’s not going to dump Scott every time one of her ex-boyfriends shows up.  This relationship is doomed.

Speaking of doomed, Peter, Jason, Murray, Traycee, and Alex all went camping.  After hearing that a killer had escaped from a nearby mental asylum, they freaked out when a stranger approached their camp sight.  First, they tied the guy in a net.  Then Peter hit him on the head with a frying pan …. oh wait, he’s not the killer!  He’s just some innocent guy who was trying to be helpful.

“Please don’t sue,” Peter says.

Peter, I hope he sues your ass for everything you’ve got.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.19 “A Face For Radio”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, it’s terror on the radio!

Episode 3.19 “A Face For Radio”

(Dir by Bruce Feirstein, originally aired on February 3rd, 1991)

Late night radio talk show host Ray Bright (Morton Downey, Jr.) is sleazy guy who describes his own show as being “hate radio.”  Over the course of one program, he tries to humiliate two female guests.  The first is a psychic (Julie Wilson) who says that she’s had visions of Ray trapped in a dark room.  The second is Amada Smith-Jones (Laura Branigan), who claims that she was once abducted by aliens.  She carries with her a cage that she says contains the alien.  Ray takes one look at the ugly and snarling little creature inside the cage and dismisses it as a puppet.  Amanda says that the alien is real and that it eats “bad” people, but only if they give their permission first.  Will Ray be stupid enough to give his permission?

You probably already guessed the answer to that question.  Though predictable in the way that anthology shows often are, this was still an effective episode.  Downey, who I understand was an actual talk show host, was very believable as the incredibly sleazy (and incredibly stupid) Ray and Laura Branigan was just as effective as the enigmatic Amanda.  As for the alien in the cage, it was actually one of the more effective monsters to appear on Monsters.  I had to laugh when Ray dismissed at as being a puppet because, after so many episodes featuring creatures that obviously were puppets, this episode featured a creature that looked very much alive.

The episode ended on a bit of a foul note, largely due to the fact that a new character showed up and started speaking with one of the fakest Texas accents that I’ve ever heard.  Otherwise, though, this was a well-done 21 minutes.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.29 “Mothers Don’t Do That/Marrying For Money/Substitute Lover”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, season 5 comes to a close!

Episode 5.29 “Mothers Don’t Do That/Marrying for Money/Substitute Lover”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on May 15th, 1982)

Glamorous Marian Healy (Eva Gabor) boards the boat and is reunited with the son that she barely knows, Danny (Brad Savage).  Danny, however, reads Marian’s diary and declares, “Mother don’t do that!”  Hey, you little brat, how do you think you came into existence?

Meanwhile, yet another old high friend of Julie’s board the boat and proceeds to lie to a passenger.  It seems like this happened every week.  This time, it’s Bert (Eddie Mekka) who pretends to be the pen pal of Marla Bennett (Audrey Landers).  Don’t worry, Marla forgives Bert when she learns the truth.  If there’s anything I’ve learned from watching The Love Boat, it’s that romantic relationships that start off with some horrible lie always work out for the best.

Finally, Gopher and Isaac are worried that Lola Trout (Caren Kaye) is trying to kill her new husband, Orville (Arte Johnson), by forcing him to exercise.  They can’t think of any other reason why Lola would marry Arte, other than to murder him and take his money.  If they spent more time watching Fantasy Island, they would know that there are simpler ways to kill your husband than by making him exercise.  You could challenge him to a pentathlon for instance….

This was the final episode of the fifth season and everyone seemed to be a little bit tired.  None of the three stories is particularly developed and you can really tell that everyone’s eager to get off the boat and spend some time on dry land.  That’s fine.  Season 5 was a pretty good season, even with that terrible musical episode.  Everyone deserves a break and if that means the finale is a bit underwhelming, so be it!

Next week, we start Season 6!  I have a feeling I will never finish reviewing this series and that’s okay.  The Love Boat is a show that I could happily watch forever!

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.5 “Point Blank”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bike patrol’s stupidity and worthlessness puts everyone at risk.  What are they thinking!?

Episode 2.5 “Point Blank”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on September 21st, 1996)

A report comes in about an armed robbery so TC and Chris speed off on their bicycles to catch the guy …. *snicker*

I’m sorry, I need a minute to stop laughing.

Anyway, TC gets knocked off of his bike by the robber, who proceeds to steal TC’s gun.  Oh my God, TC’s such a dumbass!  The real cops show up in their cars and Chris is all like, “Go get the robber while I tend to my fallen colleague and his totally rocking bicycle.”  Seriously, Chris is kind of rude about it, frantically motioning at them to go after the robber.  What else do you think they were going to do, Chris?

While TC searches for his gun, Chris discovers that someone has signed her up for a video dating service.  Chris, who is always complaining about how she can’t get a date, complains about having too many dates.  Then she complains that none of her dates work out, largely because of her whiny and abrasive personality.

Meanwhile, a little kid has lost his dog.  Del Toro and Cory suspect that the pet has been kidnapped and sold to a research lab.  They go from one sleazy kennel to another, searching for the dog.  They take the kid with them and probably traumatize him for life.  The good thing is that they save the dog and break up the dognapping ring.  The bad thing is that their story and likable chemistry still has to share the screen with Chris whining and TC searching for his lost gun.

TC’s gun eventually lands in the hands of a bullied teenager who promptly threatens to shoot his bullies.  But he changes his mind and instead give the gun back to TC.  TC’s praises the kid for doing the right thing.  To be honest, the kid threatened to kill three people.  Haul him off to jail, TC!  DO YOUR JOB, BICYCLE BOY!

I swear, this show….

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.17 “King of Burlesque/Death Games”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”  It’s time for another two fantasies.

Episode 6.17 “King of Burlesque/Death Games”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on March 12th, 1983)

I’m going to deal with the first of this week’s fantasies very quickly because, quite frankly, it’s not every interesting.  Rich Little is Tom Vail, a wall street accountant who wants to be a burlesque comedian.  He gets his fantasy.  He performs at the Fantasy Island Burlesque Revival.  He wears a hideous suit with a big bowtie.  He falls in love with a dancer.  The always likable Red Buttons appears as a Burlesque veteran.  It’s not a bad fantasy but it’s not terribly interesting.

Meanwhile, Vanessa Walgren (Joanna Pettet) has come to the Island to compete in the “First Annual Fantasy Island Pentathlon.”  However, Mr. Roarke knows that she’s there for another reason.  She wants to kill him!  A year ago, Vanessa’s husband was lost at sea while on his own fantasy.  (He wanted to retrace the route of the Kon Tiki.)  Vanessa blames Roarke and she’s put a bounty on his head.  Roarke sighs and says, “Fine, but if you don’t kill me by the end of the weekend, you have to leave the Island and never bother me again.”  Vanessa agrees….

WHAT!?  What type of vengeance is that!?  Seriously, if you’re obsessed with vengeance, you don’t just shrug and accept an arbitrary rule from the person you’re trying to kill.

Anyway, Roarke is the judge for the Pentathlon so he’s got various athletes trying to kill him over the course of the entire weekend.  He even gets cut during a fencing match!  (“If you can bleed, you can die!” Vanessa declares in a wonderfully over-the-top moment.)  Whenever anyone fails to kill him, Roarke says, “Get off my Island!,” which is rally cool.  Tattoo wonders why Roarke is allowing this to happen.  Why doesn’t Roarke order Vanessa to get off the Island.  Roarke is all like, “I can’t tell you, just trust me.”  The final event is a skydiving competition and I’m not really sure how you compete at that but whatever.  Despite Vanessa’s efforts to sabotage his parachute, Roarke lands safely.

Vanessa then offers him two glasses of wine.  One glass is poisoned!  Can Roarke pick the right glass?  Roarke is like, “Screw this,” and finally reveals that Vanessa’s husband is not dead.  Instead, he’s a secret agent who had to fake his own death but who is now ready to be reunited with Vanessa….

Again, WHAT!?  Seriously, that came out of nowhere.

Reunited with her husband, Vanessa apologizes for trying to murder Roarke.  Roarke says it’s fine because Mr. Roarke is very forgiving.

The burlesque fantasy was boring (loved the costumes, though!) but the revenge fantasy made up for it.  I love it when Fantasy Island embraces the melodrama.  Plus, this fantasy actually gave Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize quite a bit to do.  All in all, this was a good trip to the Island!

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.21 “The Strippers”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, the hills have eyes.

Episode 3.21 “The Strippers”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 16th, 1980)

Calm down, boys, we’re not talking those types of strippers!

This episode of CHiPs finds Ponch and Jon searching through the California hill country for two rednecks who are stealing cars and stripping them for the parts.  One of the strippers is a fat guy who likes to sing while he’s working.  The other is a guy played by Evan C. Kim, who later played Clint Eastwood’s partner in The Dead Pool.  Baker’s girlfriend’s car gets stolen so this one is …. wait for it …. PERSONAL!  Of course, this being CHiPs, the episode is still mostly about Ponch even though Baker’s the one with a personal stake in the case.

It turns out that Ponch and Jon aren’t the only ones investigating crimes in the hills of California. The DEA is investigating a drug-running operation and they really don’t want to two motorcycle cops getting in the way.  (Doesn’t the DEA understand that motorcycles are cool?  At least they’re not bike cops like those schmucks on Pacific Blue.)  The head drug smuggler is played by Morgan Woodward, who was a veteran of the western genre.  The old cowboys are smuggling cocaine into Los Angeles.  It’s like an extremely depressing country song.  There’s no more cattle but there’s plenty of the devil’s dandruff to be sold.

If I seem to be rambling, it’s because there’s not really much to say about this episode.  Airing, as it did, late in the season, it’s hard not to feel that show’s writers were probably tired and out-of-ideas when it came to coming up with the plot for this one.  Ponch and Jon catch the car strippers who have information on the drug dealers.  The car strippers turn informant and hope that they’ll get a deal as a result.  Let’s hope so because prison is not a friendly environment to snitches.

This episode did feature one nicely-filmed accident scene, featuring multiple cars flying through the air (in glorious slo mo of doom!) and a bunch of broken glass.  Bonnie and Bear cleaned up the accident site so that Ponch and Baker could get back to searching for the car thieves.  That was nice of them.  It’s all about team work!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 4.5 “Child’s Play”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Sonny is too quick to fire his gun.

Episode 4.5 “Child’s Play”

(Dir by Vern Gillum, originally aired on October 30th, 1987)

This is a dark, dark episode.

While breaking up what appears to be a case of domestic violence between Annette McAllister (Danitra Vance) and Walker Monroe (Ving Rhames), Sonny thinks that he spots someone holding a gun in the next room.  Sonny fires through the wall, hitting a 13 year-old boy who Annette claims is her son, Jeffrey.  While Jeffrey McCallister lies in a coma, a guilt-ridden Sonny starts to think about his ex-wife and their son, Billy.  They live upstate and it’s been a while since Sonny visited.  When Sonny does visit, he learns that his ex-wife’s fiancé wants to adopt Billy after the wedding.

Meanwhile, back in Miami, it turns out that there is no Jeffrey McAllister and that the boy who Sonny shot was actually a child soldier, recruited into a gang at an early age so that he couldn’t be sent to prison if arrested.  It turns out that Walker and Annette are both involved in a gunrunning operation that is headed up by Holliday (Isaac Hayes).  It all leads to one of those patented Miami Vice-style action sequences where Crockett, more or less, allows Walker to fall to his death.  Sonny is definitely not in a good mood for the majority of this episode.

Child’s Play could have just as easily been titled The Don Johnson Emmy Submission Episode.  This episode revolves entirely around Crockett and his feelings of guilt over shooting a child and also his fear of losing his son.  Johnson does a pretty good job in this episode.  Over the course of season 3 and the first few episodes of season 4, it really has sometimes seemed as if Crockett was losing his edge.  This episode presents us with the return of self-destructive, end-of-his-rope Sonny and not even Johnson’s mullet can distract from the drama.

Thematically, this episode is pretty bleak.  We never really learn much about the kid who was shot by Crockett, other than that he has a pretty sizable criminal record for a 13 year-old.  By the end of the episode, he’s woken up from his coma but, assuming that he is capable of leaving the hospital, he’s still wanted on several murder charges.  The kid basically has no future, even if he does make it to adulthood.  Meanwhile, Sonny’s son is growing up without his father and, when Sonny does visit him, there’s really not much of a connection between the two of them.

In other words, everyone’s doomed.  This was not a happy episode but, then again, Miami Vice was rarely a happy show.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi High 2.5 “Body Politics”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1989 to 1991!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi

Just when Lucy thinks that she’s out, they pull her back in.

Episode 2.5 “Body Politics”

(Dir by Phillip Earnshaw, originally aired on December 3rd, 1990)

Lucy is depressed because the big dance is coming up and no one has asked her.  She makes another one of her video diaries for L.D., in which she says, “I know I can be kind of mouthy.”  That’s true but being “kind of mouthy” is a Degrassi tradition and screw anyone who can’t handle someone having an opinion!

Anyway, Lucy does get a date with Dale (Cameron Graham), a jock with a cute smile.  But when the Girls Volleyball Team discovers that the Boys Basketball Team has been given all of the best practice slots in the gym (basically, the basketball team gets to practice in the afternoon for as long as they want while the volleyball team only gets a few minutes in the morning), Lucy finds herself starting another protest.  However, when she discovers that Dale is the captain of the basketball team, Lucy starts to wonder if she should back off.  She wants to go to the dance!

The creepy Farrell twins insist that Lucy has to be their leader and their spokesperson.  This episode was the first time that the Farrells were prominently featured in the second season and I had forgotten how annoying they could be with their constant demand that Lucy lead every single protest.  Seriously, I’m kind of sympathizing with Lucy’s desire to avoid getting involved.

Lucy does eventually step up and make her argument about the girls deserving equal time to the Phys Ed. department.  It doesn’t do any good.  It turns out that, when Dale said that no one cares about Girls Volleyball, he was right.  Lucy loses her fight and her date.  But the president of the senior class, the never before-seen Bronco (L. Dean Ifill), is impressed by Lucy’s fighting spirit and asks her to the dance.  So, things work out.

(Lucy, of course, is destined to be crippled and blinded by Wheels in an auto accident but that’s a while off.)

As for the other plots in this week’s episode, Patrick, the Irish guy who was dating Spike at the end of last season, is single again and asks Liz out on a date.  Spike says she’s fine with it but actually she’s jealous. Hey, it happens!  And Alexa and Michelle finally decide to be friends again.  Yay!  Seriously, it’s always nice when friendships are saved.

This episode could have been better.  The main problem was that I didn’t buy a lot of the Lucy story.  I mean, how come there wasn’t a coach or anyone supervising the gym while the basketball players and the volleyball players were having their argument?  How come the athletic teams didn’t already have a set schedule for when they would practice?  Since when are the Farrell twins athletic and why can’t they ever do anything without demanding that Lucy be their spokesperson?  How exactly is L.D.’s father getting away with traveling around the world with his daughter who I imagine is legally required to be in some sort of school?  There were just too many unanswered questions.

Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 3.12 “Partners”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, the bar finally opens!

Episode 3.12 “Partners”

(Dir by John McNaughton, Originally aired January 20th, 1995)

As you can tell by the title, this episode was all about partners.

For instance, Megan Russert realized that her former partner from narcotics, Douglas Jones (Robert Clohessy, with his Bronx accent), has been beating up his wife, Natalie (Lily Knight).  He regularly puts her in the hospital, though Natalie always insists that she either fell down the stairs or walked into a door.  Jones, who is now working homicide during the night shift and under Russert’s command, insists that he would never hurt his wife.  When Russert asks Jones’s former boss if Jones had been having any trouble while working narcotics, he refuses to give her specifics.  It’s a boys club and the boys protect each other.  Eventually, Natalie ends up shooting Jones with his own gun, probably killing him.  (We’re told that he’s barely holding on.)  This storyline was well-acted and well-written but watching it, I was reminded of just how awkwardly this show tends to use Russert.  Because she commands a different shift, she doesn’t really get much interaction with the other main characters.  Her affair with Beau Felton has never really made sense.  From what I understand, Russert was created by NBC demanded more personal drama and some glamour.  Isabella Hofman does about as good a job as anyone could with her often underwritten character but there’s really just not much for her to do.

Meanwhile, with Pembleton under suspension and threatening to quit, Bayliss doesn’t have a regular partner.  His attempt to partner up with Lewis ends in disaster when Lewis’s bad (albeit hilarious) driving leads to Bayliss getting a minor concussion.  Fortunately, Pembleton does return to the Homicide Department, though not before nearly burning down his kitchen while trying to make dinner.  Unfortunately, before Pembleton can return to his job, he has to take the fall for offering to drop the investigation into Congressman Wade’s false kidnapping report.  Andre Braugher perfectly plays the scene in which Pambleton testifies in court.  It’s easy to see the emotional and mental pain that Pembleton feels as he essentially commits perjury, taking the blame and letting Commissioner Harris of the hook.  Pembleton is forced to compromise and it eats away at his soul.  At the same time, he also gets to return to doing what he does best.  Early on in the episode, Giardello acknowledges that he and Pembleton are not friends.  “I’ve never been to your house, I’ve never met you’re wife …. I am not your friend ….” but Giardello explains that Pembleton is a good detective.  He turns “red names black” and that’s why he wants and needs Pembleton to return.

Bayliss, Lewis, and Munch finally open their bar and, at the end of the episode, it looks like the entire city of Baltimore has turned out.  Bolander even looks like he’s having a good time!  Munch raises a glass in a toast to the best partners that anyone could hope for and I got tears in mismatched eyes.  Seriously, I was so happy to finally see that bar open!  It was also nice to see everyone else happy for once.  That doesn’t often happen on Homicide.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Check It Out! 3.17 “Fatal Harrassment”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and Peacock!

This week, Howard is getting sued!

Episode 3.17 “Fatal Harrassment”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on January 10th, 1988)

The newest cashier at Cobb’s, Kim Dillard (Lolita Davidovich, in a very early role), is suing Howard for sexual harassment!

Actually …. yeah, I could see that.  Everything about Howard screams lawsuit, if not for sexual harassment than for something else.  The same can be said of the behavior of just about everyone who works at Cobb’s.  One thing I’ve noticed over the years that I’ve spent watching old sitcoms for the site is that, in the 80s and 90s, everyone just harassed everyone else and regularly made comments that would end friendships and lose jobs today.

Anyway, Howard swears that Kim was actually coming onto him and that he’s being set up.  Yeah, whatever, Howard.  No one buys that!  Except, it’s true!  It turns out that Kim has a history of taking jobs and then suing her boss for sexual harassment.  Since most of her bosses settle to avoid the bad publicity that would come with a trial, Kim makes a lot of money without having to prove anything.  Howard, however, threatens to go to court, which cause Kim to drop her suit.  Howard keeps his job, disappointing Christian who was hoping to take over the store.

This episode wasn’t great but it wasn’t terrible.  It was very middle-of-the-road, featuring a lot of obvious jokes that were saved by the cast’s third season chemistry.  That said, it also painted Kim as too obvious a villain and it again left me wondering why Edna is still wasting her time with Howard.  For three seasons now, Edna has been complaining about dating Howard.  Strangely, Edna always says that she’s been dating Howard for “Seven years,” even though three years have passed since she first said that.  Poor Edna!