Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.9 “Love Triangle” and 4.10 “Texas Rose”

Posted on April 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we have one decent episode and one episode that …. well, just read the review.

Episode 4.9 “Love Triangle”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 10th, 1998)

Finally, a decent episode!

At the start of this episode, Kristy informs Mary Beth that she has a crush on Hammer but she’s too shy to talk to him. Not surprisingly, Mary Beth takes it upon herself to set them up. She tells Hammer to be at the Stadium at a certain time so that he can meet his blind date. Hammer agrees but is shocked when the blind date turns out to be Kristy. After the date, he approaches Mary Beth and tells her that, while he thinks Kristy is great, she’s not the girl that he’s interested in. He’s interested in …. MARY BETH!

Now, you can probably guess that this leads to Mary Beth dating Hammer in secret. And you can probably also guess that Kristy eventually figures out what’s happening while they’re all at the latest school dance. Mary Beth and Kristy argue and then they make up and then everything’s fine. Mary Beth has a boyfriend, Hammer has a girlfriend, and Kristy …. well, okay. It kind of sucks for Kristy. That said, Mary Beth and Hammer are a cute couple.

This was a pretty simple episode and it almost felt like a throwback to the type of episodes that dominated the show’s first season. (Remember when Danny tried to date Julie before eventually realizing that Sam was perfect for him?) But it was kind of nice to take a break from all the basketball stuff and Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto did a good job with both the dramatic and the comedic moments of the episode. And, after a rough few episodes, Mark Famiglietti finally got to display some bad boy charm in the role of Hammer.

All in all, this wasn’t a bad episode.

Episode 4.10 “Texas Rose”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 10th, 1998)

*sigh*

This episode finds the team going to a basketball tournament in San Antonio, Texas so, of course, it opens up with stock footage of an oil derrick. From the minute I saw that cliché, I knew this would be a difficult episode for me. As a Texan, I’m very sensitive to all the silly stereotypes and clichés that television shows tend to fall back on whenever they try to tell a story about my part of the world.

The oil derricks were followed by a shot of the Alamo. That was good. The Alamo is a huge part of Texas culture. This was followed by the Tornadoes checking into their San Antonio hotel and, of course, everyone in the lobby is wearing a cowboy hat. I rolled my eyes so hard that I gave myself a headache. “Is it me or does everyone around here look like Garth Brooks?” Mary Beth says.

Oh c’mon, I muttered for neither the first nor the last time.

“I can’t wait to get on the court and kick some cowboy butt!” Michael declares.

So, I guess the point of this episode was to make sure no one in Texas ever watched another episode of Hang Time. I mean, we’ve got enough confidence down here to take a joke but that doesn’t mean we want to spend 30 minutes being made fun of by a bunch of people who think Indianapolis is a real city.

At the local restaurant, the boys go crazy watching some fat dude try to ride an electric bull while Kristy sees a handsome Latino and automatically assumes that he can’t speak English. She speaks to him in Spanish and, as we can see from the subtitles, her Spanish sucks. Still, Antonio (Jay Hernandez, of Crazy/Beautiful and Hostel fame) is so attracted to her that he doesn’t mention that he was born in America and he can speak English. Myself, I just find it interesting that Kristy and her friends assume that just because someone has brown skin in San Antonio, they must have been born in Mexico or Latin America and that they must not be able to speak English. I mean, did they not notice that the town itself is called San Antonio but it’s full of people who speak and understand both English and Spanish? Did they somehow never learn that Texas has a strong and politically active Latino community? Seriously, the whole world isn’t freaking Indiana.

(And they wonder why we dislike Yankee tourists down here….)

Meanwhile, Silk meets a girl named Rose and falls for her. However, Silk thinks that Rose is rich so he pretends to be rich in order to impress her. When Silk takes Rose to Coach K’s suite and tries to pretend that it’s actually his hotel room, it works until Coach K shows up. Oh well, Silk — that’s what you get!

The next day, as the team gets ready for their first game, Kristy is shocked to discover that Antonio is on the rival team and he can speak English! Kristy yells at him for not telling her that he could speak English. You know, Kristy, maybe you should have given him a chance to speak English before assuming that he couldn’t.

Things work out in the end. Silk discovers that Rose isn’t actually rich and then he commandeers the stage of the local country-western bar and sings her a country song. Wow, that’s stupid. The episode ends without any word as to whether or not The Tornadoes won their tournament. I really hope this doesn’t mean that I’m going to have sit through four more episodes about the Tornadoes in San Antonio.

*shudder*

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/2/23 — 4/8/23

Posted on April 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

Gregory is teacher of the year, even though he himself doesn’t understand why. This was an enjoyable episode and a nice relief from all of that heavy-handed charter school nonsense. (Just from the lack of in-depth interaction between Gregory and Janine, I got the feeling that this episode may have originally been meant to air earlier in the season.) The parent/teacher conference storyline was surprisingly poignant and Janine’s response to being called a bad teacher was perfectly handled.

Accused (Tuesday Night, Fox)

This week’s episode was actually pretty well-done and a definite improvement over the last few episodes. That said, I didn’t buy the ending. The jury may have sympathized with Jiro but he still basically admitted to committing the crime. Juries usually aren’t that compassionate. That said, we didn’t actually see the verdict being read so maybe Jiro got a hung jury as opposed to an actual acquittal. I could buy the idea of one or two members of the jury refusing to convict far more easily than the idea that the entire jury was like, “Let’s just do it and be legends!”

American Idol (Sunday and Monday Night, ABC)

It’s Hollywood week! At one point, Katy Perry announced that three people were going through, despite giving a subpar performance, because of their compassionate nature and their good attitudes. Like what does that have to do with singing? Where’s Simon Cowell when you need him?

I hope Nutsa wins it all.

The English (Prime)

This was an excellent western miniseries, starring Emily Blunt and Chaske Spencer. The story was intriguing, the performances were captivating, and the visuals had a wonderfully surreal grandeur to them. Watch this one if you haven’t already. (I will probably be writing and posting a longer review later this month.)

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, Fox)

Woo hoo! Demolition derby! “You’re actually watching this?” my sister Melissa asked me this week. Of course, I am! It’s an adorable show, even if it does tend to go a little heavy on the rural stereotypes. Still, Farmer Wants A Wife feels more much sincere and heartfelt than the just-completed season of The Bachelor.

5 Days At Memorial (Apple TV+)

What a devastating miniseries! I was left emotionally drained by the end of it. As good as Vera Farmiga was in the lead role, Andrew Pine was just as strong as one of the few doctors willing to criticize her actions.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I reviewed this week’s episode of Half Nelson here!

It’s The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown (Apple TV+)

Erin and I watched this on Wednesday. Read her thoughts on it!

Jail (Tuesday Evening, Reelz)

A sex worker was arrested for public intoxication and refused to give her name to the arresting officer. She was tossed in a holding cell. Another prisoner threatened to kill himself so he was tossed in a padded cell. Personally, I would have just let them all go. The people who worked at the jail were all stocky and bald and tended to speak extremely slowly. The existence of this show is probably something that will be used against humanity in the future.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

On this week’s episode, a young woman died of an untreated infection which was the result of being branded. The branding was a requirement for being a member of the Lodestar Cult. (“Lone Star?” dumb ol’ Cosgrove said, as he misread the brand, “You mean Texas?” Get over it, New York.) Lodestar was obviously based on NXIVM. When the leader of the cult was killed in prison, Price initially wanted to go after his second-in-command, despite having offered her a deal earlier in return for her testimony. In the end, he honored the plea agreement.

The best thing about this episode is that Maroun spent the entire Order half of the show rolling her eyes at Price and basically telling him that he was screwing up the case. This is quite a chance from the way that Maroun was portrayed last season and for most of this season. I prefer the free-thinking Maroun to the one who just blindly went along with whatever Price wanted. I also prefer the vengeful, eye-for-an-eye Maroun to the mousy bleeding heart that she used to be.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The New Wave Theatre (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this public access music show on Saturday morning. It was from the very early 80s and it featured four punk bands that I had previously never heard of. The music wasn’t really my taste but I did enjoy the episode as a time capsule.

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

Abbi went to a snobby club to try to convince the District Attorney to pursue judicial reform. It turns out that the D.A. was just trying to get Abbi to say something stupid so that he could use it against her. This episode would have been better if Abbi’s ideas for judicial reform had been something more than just shallow platitudes. As it is, Abbi is still way too naïve to be a believable judge (especially a New York City judge) and John Larroquette is practically the only member of the supporting cast who is the least bit interesting.

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

I watched two episodes on Friday night. The first was about 80s dance music. The second was about Talking Heads. The music was great!

Poker Face (Peacock)

I finished up the first season of Poker Face this week and seriously, I can’t believe that I was ever hesitant to watch this show. The guest stars are great, the plots are both amusing and poingant, and Natasha Lyonne is wonderful in the lead role. (I love that Charlie changes jobs from episode to episode but she always manages to be a consistently terrible employee.) I can’t wait for the second season!

Saved By The Bell: The New Class (YouTube)

It’s amazing to me that the original Saved By The Bell can be found basically everywhere but, unless you want to spend a lot of money on the DVD boxsets, it’s next to impossible to see an episode of Saved By The Bell: The New Class! I grew up with The New Class! I mean sure, it’s awful but still….

On Thursday afternoon, my sister Megan and I did find an episode on YouTube. Ryan Parker (Richard Lee Jackson), the Zack Morris-substitute, wanted to make the wrestling team so that he could get a letter jacket for his girlfriend (Sarah Lancaster). Unfortunately, Ryan wasn’t a very good wrestler and his training methods proved to be dangerous to his health. He learned an important lesson about being happy with being who he was. In our discussion following the episode, Megan pointed out that Ryan never even bothered to ask his girlfriend whether she even wanted the jacket. I replied that it was probably just assumed that she wanted Ryan to make the team because, seriously, why would anyone want to date a loser?

This episode also featured Dustin Diamond, destroying his career by playing Screech Powers long beyond the character’s expiration date. Screech returned to Bayside to act as Mr. Belding’s assistant. Poor Mr. Belding!

Seinfeld (Monday Afternoon, TV Land)

Because his girlfriend had mono, George gave up having sex and suddenly became super intelligent. Elaine stopped having sex with her boyfriend (played by Bob Odenkirk) so that he would be able to concentrate on passing his medical exams. Unfortunately, this led to Elaine becoming dumb. Meanwhile, Jerry kept getting bumped from career day and eventually, David Letterman refused to take his calls. Jerry’s agent was the mother from That 70s Show. It made me laugh!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode of Survivor here!

Tiny Beautiful Things (Hulu)

I watched the first two episodes on Friday but I really couldn’t get into Hulu’s latest limited series. At this point, I’m kind of bored with shows about dysfunctional people who have addiction issues. The first two episodes of Tiny Beautiful Things just tried too hard and felt a bit too calculated to shock. Even the constant cursing felt like something that would have been daring in 2003 but, in 2023, it just seemed kind of lazy and repetitive. I’ll give it another shot during this upcoming week.

Unsolved Mysteries (Pluto TV)

I watched two episodes on Wednesday. Both of the episodes aired in the 80s so I assume the mysteries have been solved by now. And if they aren’t, they probably never will be.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

Oh my God, they ate Jackie! I’m not sure why that surprised me, as I knew the cannibalism was going to start up at some point and, being dead and frozen, Jackie did seem like the most likely meal. Meanwhile, in the present, Callie is going to end up getting her mother thrown in jail if she doesn’t watch the attitude. And I’m still worried about the safety of the new dog. Run, puppy, run!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.15 “Dancing Isn’t Everything” and 5.1 “Stand By Your Man”

Posted on April 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, one season ends and another begins.

Episode 4.15 “Dancing Isn’t Everything”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on April 6th, 1996)

The fourth season of California Dreams comes to a close with one of its best episodes and a personal favorite of mine, Dancing Isn’t Everything. In fact, I already reviewed this episode a few years ago.

Rewatching it, I was pleased to discover that I still continue to enjoy the episode. Determined to prove the she’s more than just the band’s groupie, Lorena enters Sharky’s dance contest. Unfortunately, a series of events conspire against her and she’s forced to dance with the very unrhythmic Sly. Fortunately, Lorena learns about the importance of friendship and, even more importantly, this episode sets up the foundation for what will become Lorena and Sly’s romance during Season 5.

There are more than a few memorable moments from this episode, from Lorena coldly dismissing all of her potential dance partners to Sly breaking out his spastic dance moves whenever the judges aren’t looking. My favorite moment is Sly reading the subtitles and discovering what Lorena actually said to him. (If you watch carefully, you can see Kelly Packard breaking character and laughing in the background.) This was also the first episode to feature Tony and Sam performing Next Big Thing. “He’s so funky!”

This episode is California Dreams at its best and it brings the fourth season to worthy close.

Episode 5.1 “Stand By Your Man”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 7th, 1996)

The fifth and final season of California Dreams was the best of the show’s history. It not only gave the show a proper send-off but it also gave all of the members of the cast to show how much they had grown as actors since the show began. By the end of the fifth and final season of the show, the cast had proven themselves to be the type of tight and talented ensemble that could wring laughs and tears from even the most predictable of situations.

You wouldn’t necessarily know that from watching the first episode of the fifth season, though. In this episode, Jake needs money to fix his motorcycle and takes a job that requires him to dress up like a pirate for the local seafood restaurant. When he tires of his friends laughing at his costume, Jake gets another job at a local garage. The pay is good and Jake does like working on cars and motorcycles. However, his boss is an attractive woman named Mel. (I have a sister named Melissa who we call Mel. Hi, Mely!) Tiffani gets jealous and, for some reason, she decides that it would be a good idea for her, Sam, and Lorena to put on fake beards and pretend to be old bikers so they can hang out around the garage. (*Sigh* Wacky disguises were a staple on these shows and they never cease to be annoying.) This leads to them knocking over a motorcycle and Jake getting fired. Jake is furious with Tiffany, not because he lost his job but because she didn’t trust him. Tiffani apologizes and Jake forgives her. He then gets his old pirate job back. Arrrrgh!

Meanwhile, Sly and Tony try to catch Mark doing something stupid so they can win a video contest. However, it turns out that Mark is actually filming them for the same contest. Ha ha.

You may be under the impression that this episode was not a favorite of mine and you’re right. It’s not. It’s just too silly and cartoonish, particularly when compared to some of the other season 5 episodes. This is the first episode of the final season and it’s hard not to feel that there should have been a bit more to it than just wacky disguises and a pirate joke.

Oh well! Things will get better next week, as we move further into the final season of California Dreams.

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson Episode 1.4 “Uppers and Downers”

Posted on April 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

The adventures of Rocky Nelson continue!

Episode 1.4 “Uppers and Downers”

(Dir by James Sheldon, originally aired on April 5th, 1985)

When a burglar alarm goes off in Beverly Hills, it’s Rocky Nelson (Joe Pesci) of Beverly Hills Patrol to the rescue! Reaching the mansion of a local businessman (played by Cliff Gorman), Rocky discovers that the alarm was set off by a racoon.

(“A racoon is Beverly Hills!?” Gorman’s wife says, in a tone that suggests that racoons are unknown creatures in California.)

Rocky also happens to spot the next door neighbor (Nancy Stafford) leading her personal trainer into her house, whispering that she’s going to show him her bedroom. At first, Rocky is amused but, later that day, Rocky hears that the personal trainer has been found, floating in Stafford’s swimming pool. Stafford claims that the trainer had a heart attack while swimming but, upon arriving at the scene, Rocky immediately figures out that the trainer died in the house and was then dragged out to the pool. Stafford swears that she didn’t kill him and Rocky believes her. However, when the autopsy report reveals that the trainer was dead before he was put in the pool, Stafford is arrested and charged with murdering him by hitting him over the head.

Despite being told by his boss (Fred Williamson) to stay away from the case, Rocky feels that he has to prove Stafford’s innocence. Rocky’s first plan is to have his associates, Kurt (Bubba Smith) and Beau (Dick Butkus), disguise themselves as mortuary attendants and steal the trainer’s body from the crematorium. Rocky then takes the body to a coroner who does a second autopsy and discovers that not only did the trainer have a heart attack but that he was also poisoned! Someone slipped the trainer a pill that was specifically designed to cause a heart attack. Now, it’s up to Rocky to discover who that person was and clear Stafford’s name before Stafford’s husband (Brett Halsey, a veteran of Italian horror and spaghetti westerns) files for divorce.

Rocky deduces that the trainer was probably targeted by a jealous husband. Rocky decides to disguise himself as a physical trainer so that he can get close to all of the dead man’s former clients. How does Rocky prepare for this role? He does calisthenics with his landlord, Dean Martin. When Rocky mentions that he needs someone to determine whether or not his clients are lying to him, Dean Martin suggests that he steal a lie detector from the set of “Burt’s new film.” (I’m guessing that Burt was a reference to Burt Reynolds, Dean’s co-star in two Cannonball Run films.) Rocky promptly goes down to the studio backlot and steals a bunch of Burt Reynolds’s property.

(The backlot was a prominent and amusing part of the show’s pilot but it was ignored during last week’s episode. I was glad to see it back for this episode because Dean Martin instructing Joe Pesci to steal Burt Reynolds’s lie detector will never not be amusing.)

Rocky meets with all of the dead trainer’s clients and tricks them into hooking themselves up to the lie detector by telling them that it’s a instrument that will check their heart rate. Rocky discovers that any number of people could have wanted the trainer dead. However, those of us in the audience already knows that Cliff Gorman is the murderer because we witnessed Gorman gloating about it earlier in the episode. Rocky eventually figures it out as well and tricks Gorman into confessing by pretending to take one of the heart attack pills while driving Gorman around Beverly Hills.

Thanks to the visit to the studio lot and Dean Martin’s eccentric performance, this episode was an improvement on last week’s. That said, it still suffered from the fact that the murder itself wasn’t that interesting (with Gorman’s ruthless businessman not getting much characterization beyond being evil). Despite being second and third-billed in the opening credits, neither Victoria Jackson nor Fred Williamson got to do much in this episode and considering that both of those performers had their own unique and eccentric style, it feels like a bit of waste to just have them sitting in the office and uttering just a handful of lines per episode. The main appeal of the show continues to be Joe Pesci, who brings a lot of streetwise charm to Rocky. In the episodes that I’ve watched so far, Pesci is likable and engaging as Rocky and I think his performance would surprise a lot of people who are used to Pesci playing killers with hair-trigger tempers. Rocky is smart and tough but ultimately rather friendly. In his performance in Half Nelson, one can see hints of his later performance in The Irishman, I just wish the rest of this show was as consistently good.

Next week: Joe Pesci faces off against John Saxon! That sounds promising! We’ll see how it goes.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.12 “Makin’ Up Is Hard To Do” and 4.13 “Living in America”

Posted on April 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Al and Dawn have relationship trouble and the viewers are expected to endure a clip show.

Episode 4.12 “Makin’ Up Is Hard To Do”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 28th, 2000)

It’s Spring Fest. Time for dance on the school roof!

Now, to be honest, this episode’s roof dance actually looks like it would be fun to attend. The music is a lot more danceable than that jazz funk that the Jazz Posse played last week. For once, it looks like Dawn actually put some effort into decorating the roof. There aren’t any dead pigeons lying around. It looks like fun until….

….for some reason, Chris starts dancing with Ms. Noble. And then Ms. Noble leads the entire school in a disco line dance, Tony Manero-style. I’ve said this a hundred times before but, people — SHE’S THE PRINCIPAL! It is neither healthy nor believable for students to be this obsessed with their principal!

As I mentioned earlier, Dawn put the dance together. This time, she worked with Nate, a new kid from California. Because the show’s writers finally remembered that they were supposed to be a couple, Al got jealous of Nate and forbid her to work with him. Dawn dumped Al, which would have been a big dramatic moment if not for the fact that the two of them hardly ever acted like they were dating in the first place. Al attempted to sabotage the dance by booby-trapping a raffle box but, after discovering that Nate was a nice guy and having a change of heart, Al was the one who ended up with an ink pack exploding all over him. Dawn was so moved by Al’s stupidity that she took him back.

Meanwhile, Jamal and some random student had a dance-off. Jamal won. Yay!

This episode actually wasn’t too bad. The dance looked like fun. Dawn shouldn’t have taken Al back, though.

Episode 4.13 “Living in America”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 4th, 2000)

Ms. Noble sets up a pen pal program between Manny High and Japan because, of course, she did. Unfortunately, it turns out that Chris and Jamal have not been responding to the emails being sent by the Japanese students. When Ms. Noble asks them why, Chris and Jamal reply that they don’t know what to talk about. Then, the entire homerun ends up discussing all the amazing adventures that they’ve had.

Yep, it’s a clip show, delivered with all the straight-face earnestness of a show that had an extra episode to burn off.

“Hey, Train,” Al says at one point, “maybe you should tell everyone about that time you tried to be a wrestler….”

That pretty much sums up this episode.

Still, there is a little bit of drama when Ms. Noble suddenly announces, “Kids, I just heard there was an earthquake in Japan, not far from where your pen pals live.” Well, I guess they won’t have to reply to those emails now …. oh wait, everyone survived. That’s good.

For whatever reason, Tubi has removed City Guys from its site. So, I will be watching the rest of this show on YouTube. I think every episode is on YouTube but I can’t be sure. We’ll find out, starring next week!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.8 “A Time for Everything / The Song Is Ended / Accidental Cruise / Anoushka”

Posted on April 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, hearts are broken on a special 90-minute episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.8 “A Time for Everything / The Song Is Ended / Accidental Cruise / Anoushka”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 4th, 1978)

What a sad episode!

Seriously, this cruise is all about heart break.

For instance, when Russian Commissar Anoushka Mishancov (Loretta Swit) first boards the boat, Doc Bricker is upset when he’s assigned to keep an eye on her. As has been established over the previous 32 episodes, Doc prefers to spend his time talking to women who are about twenty years younger than him and who are from capitalist countries. Anoushka, on the other hand, is a communist (boo!) who, for some reason, is boarding the Pacific Princess so that she can learn about how Americans handle catering. (I said it was weird.) At first, Anoushka is so determined to do her duty that she insists on wearing her uniform at all times.

However, after Anoushka reveals that she does find old Doc Bricker to be a little bit intriguing, Julie tells her that she’s going to have to loosen up if she’s going to capture Doc’s attention. Which, Anoushka does at dinner that night….

Eyes up, Gopher!

Doc does notice Anoushka. In fact, he falls in love with her and, at the end of the cruise, he asks her to marry him! Anoushka confesses to having fallen in love with Doc but then she explains that she also loves her country. (Really? It’s just Russia.) Doc loves America and Anoushka loves Russia and, as a result, they cannot marry. Anouska leaves the ship and a heart-broken Doc looks like he’s actually about to cry. And let’s give credit where credit is due. It’s a really well-acted scene. Doc Bricker has always been a fairly ludicrous character but, in this episode, Bernie Kopell does a good job of suggesting that, even if he is a lecher, Doc Bricker is a lecher with a heart.

While Doc is falling in love with a commie, Captain Stubing is getting to know Vicki (Jill Whelan), the 9 year-old daughter of Captain Stubing’s former lover, the late Georgina (played, in flashbacks, by Melendy Britt). Vicki was originally supposed to travel with her aunt, Delores (Sandra Deel). However, something has come up and Delores will not be able to travel with her. Captain Stubing agrees to look after Vicki and even allows Vicki to stay in his quarters. Over the course of the cruise, Captain Stubing and Vicki bond. Everyone agrees that they have the same eyes. Of course, that’s because Vicki is actually Captain Stubing’s daughter!

Vicki wants to live on the ship but the Captain explains that a cruise ship is not a good place for a nine year-old to grow up. Stubing considers retiring and living on dry land but Doc Bricker reminds Stubing that he would never be happy if he wasn’t on the ocean. Stubing promises that Vicki can return to the boat whenever she has time off from school and he tells her that, when she gets older, she could even “be a cruise director, like Ms. McCoy.”

(In other words, don’t even think of trying to become a captain, girl!)

Now, of course, Vicki did later return to the ship. In fact, she returned just a year later and became a regular during the third season. I guess Captain Stubing decided that going to school on dry land wasn’t that important after all. (We’ll find out when we reach the third season!) That said, even with that in mind, it was undeniably sad to watch as Stubing sat in his cabin and struggled to hold back the tears after Vicki left the ship. Much like Bernie Kopell, Gavin MacLeod gave a surprisingly heartfelt and sincere performance in this episode.

It wasn’t all sadness

Luckily, it wasn’t all heartbreak on this episode. After getting drunk and boarding the boat by mistake, Sandy Beal (Jo Anne Worley) and Victor Marshall (Soupy Sales) fell in love for real. And jingle writer Charlie Godwin (Robert Goulet) ran into his old song-writing partner (Richard Dawson) and the two of them saved Charlie’s marriage to June (Juliet Mills). There were two happy endings but they were overshadowed by all the sadness.

This was a good episode. Even The Love Boat needs a little heartbreak every once and a while.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.16 “Photographs/Royal Flush”

Posted on April 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! Especially you, Tattoo!

Episode 2.16 “Photographs/Royal Flush”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on January 27th, 1979)

After announcing the arrival of the plane, Tattoo informs Mr. Roarke that he is reading a book on hypnotism.

“Ah, it’s hypnotism now,” Roarke replies, “To what end?”

Tattoo looks at a passing native girl as the cameraman gives the viewers a close-up of her sarong-covered behind.

Okay, 1979. We see ya.

The less interesting of this week’s two fantasies involves the Fantasy Island poker tournament. (Fantasy Island reminds a bit of Hell’s Kitchen, in that there’s always some weird theme night.) Johnny Court (John Rubinstein) is an up-and-coming player whose fantasy is to play against the greatest poker player of all time, Victor Holly (John McIntire). Johnny has borrowed a good deal of money from a group of gangsters in order to enter the tournament so, if Johnny doesn’t win, guess who is getting his fingers broken?

Complicating matters is that Victor travels with his daughter, Emily (Ronne Troup). It doesn’t take long for Johnny to realize that Emily is helping Victor cheat but Johnny has also fallen in love with Emily. To save his own life, he has to defeat Emily’s father but, if he does so, that’ll mean Victor will no longer have the money necessary to support his daughter.

This fantasy wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t particularly interesting either. Rubinstein, McIntire, and Troup all gave good performances but the poker scenes were a bit draggy. Perhaps it would have been more interesting to me if I was a poker player myself. But I prefer craps, just because you get to jump up and down before rolling the dice.

The second fantasy was a bit more intruding. Nancy Weston (Michele Lee) is photographer who has just returned from a trip to Europe and Asia, where she took many pictures. When she got the pictures developed, she discovered that a mysterious girl appeared in almost all of the pictures, even though it would have been impossible for the girl to have followed her all the way from Stonehenge to Thailand without Nancy noticing. Nancy’s fantasy is to know who the girl is and why she’s following her.

The girl shows up on Fantasy Island. Her name is Allison (Elizabeth Cheshire) and, as Roarke explains, Allison is not only the daughter of a powerful psychic but she also has the power to speak to the dead as well. And it turns out that one of the dead has a message for Nancy….

This fantasy was really well-done and nicely creepy. At heart, it was a pretty basic ghost story but Michele Lee and Elizabeth Cheshire both gave good performances and some of the imagery — particularly of a white horse running in slow motion through a green field — was surprisingly effective.

All in all, one mild but well-acted fantasy and one memorably creepy fantasy came together and added up to one good episode of Fantasy Island! These are the type of episodes that we fantasize about.

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.7 “Assault and Pepper Spray” and 4.8 “High Hoops”

Posted on April 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s all about self-defense and marijuana at Deering High!

Episode 4.7 “Assault and Pepper Spray”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 3rd, 1998)

This was a weird episode. Kristy has a job working at the mall. Since this is a Peter Engel-produced show, that job involves wearing an ugly outfit and selling corny dogs. One night, when she gets off work, she’s mugged. Despite her efforts to try to move on with her life, she still struggles with PTSD. So far, so good. I’ve been in similar situations and it’s not something you ever really get over, even if you do eventually manage to get on with your life. After taking a self-defense class and discovering that she’s not good at beating people up, Kristy decides to carry pepper spray instead. The next night, while she’s walking out to her car, someone comes up behind her. Startled, Kristy uses the pepper spray. OH NO, SHE JUST SPRAYED MICHAEL!

Now, don’t get me wrong. It sucks that Michael got sprayed in the face. I carry pepper spray myself and I’ve accidentally sprayed myself in the face enough time that I know what it can do. (That’s one reason why I carry it.) But Michael also knew what had happened to Kristy earlier so he should have known better than to sneak up on her. Everyone on the show acts as if Kristy drew a gun, turned around and shot Michael but all Kristy did was spray him in the face. (And again, it really was Michael’s fault that he got sprayed in the first place.) Feeling guilty, Kristy says she’s going to give up the pepper spray and take another self-defense course. No, Kristy! The pepper spray worked! Just because Michael ends up crying about it, that doesn’t mean that the pepper spray was a bad idea. If Kristy had sprayed someone other than Michael, everyone would be talking about how lucky she was to have it with her.

I mean, take me for instance. I run. I dance. I know how to kick. I like to think that I’m in pretty good shape. But if some dude who outweighs me by over a hundred pounds is coming at me, I’m going for the pepper spray.

The plot of this episode left a bad, coppery taste in my mouth and brought tears to my eyes. Let’s move on.

Episode 4.8 “High Hoops”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 3rd, 1998)

Rico is eating more than usual. He’s laughing at strange moments. He’s paranoid about people sneaking up on him. He’s screwing up at practice.

OH MY GOD, RICO’S ON THE WEED!

Which weed?

THE WEED WITH ROOTS IN HELL!

Yes, this is another Peter Engel-produced television show about the dangers of marijuana. This time, it’s Rico who is getting high and running the risk of hurting himself and his friends. The team discovers that Rico is now a stoner when he opens up his locker and a baggie of weed literally flies out of it. Rico says that pot is no big deal. Hammer says that his cousin used to think the same thing but now he lives in the park and thinks that he’s a squirrel. (I think Hammer’s cousin may have been doing something more than just marijuana if that’s the case.) The team is scandalized and who can blame them? Athletes doing drugs? WHO EVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING!?

(Wow, I’m doing a lot of yelling today.)

Despite knowing that Rico is now a drug fiend, Hammer still asks him to fix the brakes on his motorcycle. Unfortunately, Rico gets too stoned to fix the brakes and Hammer ends up having a serious accident as a result. You have to wonder why Hammer would have trusted Rico with that responsibility to begin with, especially considering that this episode has an entire B-plot about Mary Beth, Kristy, and Michael taking auto shop because they think it’ll be an easy A.

(It turns out that not only is not an easy A but Kristy manages to get trapped in the trunk of the teacher’s car while installing a radio. It was kind of dumb but, as I’ve said more than a few times, Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto were a strong enough comedic team that they could wring laughs out of even the dumbest of situations.)

Anyway, Hammer comes back to school with his arm in a sling and looking for revenge. He uses his one good arm to try to beat up Rico, which is all it takes for Rico to realize that he needs to clean up his act. So, the lesson here is to beat up all of your drug-abusing friends but don’t use pepper spray if they come at you.

I’m glad that’s cleared up.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 3/26/23 — 4/1/23

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s some thoughts on what I watched this week!

Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)

This week’s episode featured a couple seeking revenge on a white supremacist who drove a car into a protest and who was never punished for his crime. The search for vengeance is usually a compelling topic and the episode had the potential to explore some very interesting ethical issues but, as has been the case for many of Accused‘s more recent episodes, it was all a bit too heavy-handed to really work. It didn’t help that this week’s episode was rather poorly acted by almost everyone involved. A part of me thinks that Accused‘s biggest weakness is its anthology format. Between introducing a new group of characters on a weekly basis and also trying to tell a complex story, Accused often seems as if it’s trying to cram a bit too much into just 45 minutes of runtime.

The Bachelor (Monday Night, ABC)

It’s over, that’s the important thing. It’s hard not to feel that, for all of the drama surrounding sex week, Zach mostly just slept with Gabi because he knew he probably wasn’t ever going to see her again after he dumped her for Kaity. This was a season of The Bachelor that left me feeling just a little bit icky so let us never speak of it again.

Dirty Pair (YouTube)

I watched this 90s anime on Saturday morning. The plot was next to impossible to follow but a lot of things blew up and the theme song was pretty cool.

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, FOX)

Agck! Listen, just because you marry a farmer doesn’t mean that you have to castrate a bull. Seriously, I’ve spent some time on some farms and I’ve seen some bulls and I assume that I’ve met some people who have castrated bulls but it was definitely not something that I needed to know about or be in any way involved with. Just saying.

Five Days At Memorial (Apple TV+)

I started watching this absolutely devastating miniseries on Saturday. I’ve still got one episode left to watch so I’m going to hold off on saying much more about the show until I’ve watched that episode. I will say that Five Days At Memorial, which deals with what happened at a New Orleans hospital in the aftermath of Katrina, features some truly horrific images but it’s not just out to shock the audience. There’s a lot going on beneath the surface and it’s impossible to watch this series without wondering what you would have done if you had found yourself in the same situation as the doctors and the nurses at Memorial Hospital. I’d like to think that I would have refused to abandon my patients. I would also like to think that I would have been the one person willing to stand up to the doctors who had decided to play God. But, in the end, it’s impossible for me to say what I would have done in that situation because I’ve never been in that situation.

Ghosts (Thursday Night, CBS)

Todd, the obnoxious podcaster, returned! Alberta was happy when her great-granddaughter checked into the B&B but Alberta was much less happy when it looked like she might hook up with Todd. This was a sweeet episode. Not only was it nice to watch Alberta discover that her talent had been passed down to her descendants but it’s always enjoyable to watch the ghosts recoil from Todd’s very presence.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I reviewed Half Nelson here!

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

I enjoyed this week’s episode of Law & Order, mostly because everyone from Cosgrove to Sam to McCoy got a chance to call Price out for being arrogant and self-righteous. Sam is typically such an underwritten character that it was immensely satisfying to watch her shut down Price with an armor-piercing one liner. (It’s just unfortunate that the show left some ambiguity as to whether Sam’s anger was motivated by her ethics or her feelings for Price.) Price definitely did not prove the judge’s guilt beyond a reasonable doubt and I imagine the verdict will get overturned on appeal. To be honest, I kind of suspect that’s what happens with most of the guilty verdicts on this show because some of Price’s legal strategies are seriously unconstitutional.

(No, I don’t know why I’m taking Law & Order so personally. If I can figure out why, I’ll let you know.)

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

I watched it but I don’t remember a thing about it. I do know that I groaned whenever anyone other than Abbi and/or Dan was onscreen.

Poker Face (Peacock)

“Play Staplehead!” I watched the fourth and the fifth episodes of Poker Face this week. After initially being hesitant about the show, I have to say that I’m pretty much hooked now. The fourth episode, with the heavy metal band murdering their drummer so that they could steal a song that he unwittingly stole from an old sitcom, was wonderfully executed.

Saved By The Bell (Wednesday, E!)

E! was doing a Saved By The Bell marathon! I watched the No Hope With Dope episode. I loved how everyone else was talking about celebrities who had died as a result of doing too much cocaine and Jessie immediately started talking about how she was hooked on caffeine pills for a week. Like, I get the feeling Jessie probably brought up that experience a lot and her friends probably got tired of having to listen to her go on about it.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about Survivor here. Poor Matthew! He seemed like a genuinely good guy and my heart broke for him when he talked about how much pain he was in. That said, if I never have to watch that clip of him falling off a cliff again, I’ll be happy. Seriously, I was shocked he wasn’t pulled from the game earlier. (I do hope that he gets a second chance.)

Tulsa King (Paramount Plus)

I finally got around to watching the first episode of this show. Sylvester Stallone plays an old school mobster who is released from prison and sent down to Oklahoma by his bosses. The Family says that they want Stallone to set up business down there but actually, they just want to get him out of New York. I have to admit that, as much as I like Stallone, I didn’t care much for the first episode. Maybe if everyone in Tulsa was a jerk, it would be fun to watch Stallone threaten them but everyone seemed to be so nice that I just wanted Stallone to go back to New York. I’ve been assured, though, that the show gets better so I’m not going to give up on Tulsa King just yet.

Waco: American Apocalypse (Netflix)

This three-part docuseries about the siege of the Branch Davidian compound in Waco is a real Rorschach test. Do you watch it and see a story about a manipulative and dangerous cult leader or do you watch it and see a record of law enforcement incompetence and government arrogance? Either way, it was a fascinating and thought-provoking look at the tragic siege.

Welcome to Chippendales (Hulu)

I binged this miniseries on Sunday. It was enjoyable in its own tacky way. Murray Bartlett was well-cast as the doomed choreographer. Kumail Nanjiani should play more villains.

Yellowjackets (Showtime)

I’m glad that Yellowjackets is back for a second season and I’m intrigued to see what happens. But seriously, I am so worried about what’s going to happen to the new dog!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.13 “We’ll Always Have Aspen” and 4.14 “Lorena’s Place”

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The California Dreams are in Aspen! Wait …. what?

Episode 4.13 “We’ll Always Have Aspen”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on January 6th, 1996)

This episode opens with the California Dreams in Aspen, Colorado, hanging out at the Costa Ski Lodge. Why are they there? They’re there because this episode was originally meant to air during season 3, after the episode where the Dreams went to the ski lodge and convinced Lorena’s father not to kick that old crank out of his isolated cabin. Why did NBC hold off on showing this episode for so long? I’m not sure but it certainly does lead to some odd continuity errors. For instance, Tony announces that he’s “hunting ski bunnies.” Obviously, this was meant to air before Tony and Sam became a couple. Lorena and Jake are also dating in this episode.

This episode is also one of the rare ones to focus on Mark. Mark is shocked to discover that his ex-girlfriend, Jenny (Catherine Nagan), is staying at the lodge. As he explains it, he and Jenny were once totally in love but then Jenny left him so that she could train to be on the U.S. Olympic skiing team. At first, Mark refuses to speak to Jenny but then Jenny explains that leaving him was the biggest mistake of her life and that she is tired of skiing. Mark and Jenny spend the day together and Mark realizes that Jenny actually does love skiing too much to give it up. So, Mark gets dumped again but this time, he was the one who suggested that Jenny should break up with him so I guess he feels better about the only member of the Dream to never have a romantic partner for longer than one episode.

In the B-plot, Lorena’s father leaves Lorena in charge while he goes off to do …. well, I’m not sure why he left. But him leaving means that Lorena is in charge of the big winter festival. Why would her father leave Lorena, who is a teenager, in charge of the Lodge’s biggest event? I’m starting to suspect that he is just not a very good businessman. Anyway, all of this leads to Jake having to wear a silly costume and Sly taking part in a yodeling contest. That was kind of funny.

This wasn’t a bad episode and it was nice to see Lorena and Jake back together but …. eh. The California Dreams belong the beach. They’re surfers not skiers.

Episode 4.14 “Lorena’s Place”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on March 30th, 1996)

The first thing that I noticed about the 14th episode of the fourth season of California Dreams is that it aired over two months after the 13th episode, which itself was an episode that had been filmed for the 3rd season. I don’t know what exactly was going on behind the scenes at NBC but it appears that the network decided to end season 4 by burning off a few old episodes that, for whatever reason, didn’t air when they were originally supposed to.

(Of course, Saved By The Bell did the same thing. The episode where Screech is made hall monitor was filmed for the first season but, oddly, didn’t air until after the show’s Graduation episode.)

This episode finds the Dreams back in California. Eager to date a pretentious douchebag named Alan, Lorena turns her loft into a coffeehouse and hosts a poetry reading. Lorena also reads Alan a poem that her father wrote for her mother but which Lorena claims that she wrote for Alan. Alan is so impressed that he memorizes the poem. Then, after Lorena tells him the truth, he destroys the poem.

Oh no!

Not to worry. The Dreams hold another coffeehouse reading. Alan, for some reason, comes to that one as well and recites the poem. Sam records his words and recreate the poem for Lorena’s parents. So, not only is the poem saved but Lorena gets a new boyfriend! But Alan kind of sucks so hopefully, he’ll never show up again.

This episode was very 90s but it was a Lorena episode and, since Lorena is the character to whom I most relate, I enjoyed it.

Next week: Season 4 comes to an end!