Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

In this episode, a spoiled little brat discover that …. well, no.  I should let Mr. T tell you.

Episode 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”

(Dir by Donald Shebib, originally aired on June 6th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “a street-smart kid finds out he’s still got a few lessons to learn!”

On the mean and cold streets of Canada, Rubberhead (John Matuszak) sends 13 year-old Mickey (Jamie Shannon) on a mission to pick the pockets of the Canadians who have gathered to watch a street magician.  When the police nab Mickey, Rubberheard snarls, “Don’t talk, you little punk!” before walking away.

Because Amy Taler is the only defense attorney in Canada, she gets assigned to Mickey’s case.  The prosecution wants to toss Mickey in juvenile hall but Amy argues that Mickey is too young for that.  Rubberhead and one of his henchmen walk into the courtroom and are properly thrown out by the judge.  Mickey gives them the thumbs up signal as they leave.  My question is how has Rubberhead not been arrested as he seems to have absolutely no idea how to subtle about carrying out his criminal activities.  Also, why is he called Rubberhed?  Is that a nickname he wanted?

Rather then send Mickey into the system, Amy arranges for Mickey to be released into the custody of T.S. Turner.  Amy is able to pull this off despite the fact that Turner is an ex-con, her hair is a mess, and Turner is late coming to court.  Luckily, the judge is a fan of boxing and he decides that Turner’s former career as a boxer is the perfect justification for giving him custody of a rebellious 13 year-old.

As Turner, Amy, and Mickey leave the courthouse, they are confronted by Rubberhead and his gang.  One of them tries to grab Amy.

“Excuse me, brother,” Turner says, “that’s no way to treat a lady.”

Taking advantage of the distraction, Mickey runs for it.  After telling  Rubberhead, “I’ll deal with you later, punk,” Turner takes off after him.

Fortunately, Turner is able to grab Mickey and drop him off with Aunt Martha (Jackie Richardson) and Renee (Rachael Crawford).  Aunt Martha puts Mickey to work peeling potatoes.  Turner then heads out to try to track down Rubberhead and his gang.

“When I was younger, I was Mickey,” Turner explains, “I broke my mother’s heart!”

However, despite saying that he’s going to go out and find Rubberhead, the next scene finds Turner having dinner with Mickey, Aunt Martha, and Renee.  Turner leads the group in saying grace and even Mickey bows his head.

That night, Rubberhead leaves a bag of burning trash on Aunt Martha’s porch.  While Turner is distracted by the fire, Rubberhead breaks into the house and grabs Mickey.  Back at Rubberhead’s headquarters, Mickey brags about how tough he is until Rubberhead demands to know what he told the police.

We then cut to Turner asking various Canadians if they’ve seen Mickey.  “Look, brother,” Turner says at one point, “I’ve asked politely and I’ve asked nicely.  Now, I’m just asking.”  Frustrated by one dead end after another, Turner goes to the gym and lifts weights for several minutes.

“That’s how he thinks,” gym owner Decker explains as Turner shouts, “MORE WEIGHT!”

Somehow, all of this weight lifting leads to Turner figuring out where Rubberhead is headquartered.  Turner heads down to Rubberhead’s warehouse, where he is promptly captured and tied to a chair by Rubberhead’s gang.  Rubberhead announces that both Turner and Mickey will be dropped down an elevator shaft.

“You gotta make a choice, Mickey,” Turner says, “Right or wrong.”

Mickey unties Turner and Turner tosses a motorcycle at Rubberhead, taking out both him and his gang.  Turner and Mickey then rush to the courthouse, where Amy has been stalling a court hearing on Mickey’s future.  Mickey reveals all that he knows about Rubberhead and his gang.  SNITCH!

This is definitely an episode that suffered from trying to tell a 60-minute story in only 30.  Seriously, the narrative jumped around so much and was so haphazardly edited that it was a struggle to keep track of what was going on.  That said, Canada is a safer place thanks to T.S. Turner and that’s the important thing.  That’s why they put their faith in him.

 

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.4 “The Return Of The Masked Rider”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark clean up a troubled neighborhood!

Episode 1.4 “The Return of the Masked Rider”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 3rd, 1984)

This week, Jonathan and Mark end up a gym in a city.  Jonathan applies for a job as a cut man.  The gym’s owner, Mau Mau (Stoney Jackson), is doubtful because Jonathan can’t give him any references to call but then Jonathan magically heals a cut over a boxer’s eye.  Jonathan gets the job and just in time because this neighborhood needs to be protected.

The problem is that the neighborhood is being ruled by Thumper (Darin Taylor) and the Satan’s Helpers.  Everyone in the neighborhood is scared of the Satan’s Helpers and who can blame them when the gang literally identifies with Satan?  I mean, they’re not only fans of Satan but they’re helping him as well!  Anyway, the statewide boxing championship is coming up and Thumper is going to be fighting another neighborhood boxer, Joey (Chip MacAllister).  The Satan’s Helpers demand that Joey throw the fight and to make sure that Joey does so, they kidnap his grandfather (Hank Rolike)!

Mark suggests that Jonathan just “zap” the gang members and bring an end to the whole thing but Jonathan explains that their mission is not to take out the gang.  Their mission is to encourage the other residents in the neighborhood to take back the streets, “like the Guardian Angels!”  You heard it, folks.  God supports vigilantism.

Luckily, Morton Clay (John Agar) lives in the neighborhood as well.  Morton was once a movie star, playing the Masked Bandit.  Now retired and nearly forgotten, Morton lives in an apartment building with several of his former co-stars.  Jonathan encourages Morton and his friends to put on their old costumes and march down to the headquarters of the Satan’s Helpers.  The rest of the neighborhood is so amazed by the parade of old timey heroes, that they follow.

The Satan’s Helpers are so intimidated by sight of the entire neighborhood gathered together that they decide to stop helping Satan and they release the grandfather.  Yay!  Meanwhile, at the boxing match, Joey refuses to take a dive and he knocks out Thumper.  Yay!  The neighborhood is saved.

When people refer to Highway to Heaven as being a campy show, they are probably referring to episodes like this one.  Undoubtedly, the episode is well-intentioned.  Watching it, you can tell that Michael Landon was hoping that this episode would inspire people to take pride in the neighborhoods, just like the Masked Bandit and his friends!  But the episode’s extremely earnest approach feels a bit naïve.  There’s nothing particularly intimidating about the Satan’s Helpers and it certainly doesn’t help their credibility that they’re scare off by a bunch of elderly people wearing costumes.

Next week, Mark and Jonathan break into the country music world!

Horror On TV: The Hitchhiker 6.6 “Toxic Search” (dir by Jerry Ciccoritti)


Tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker features two friends who get into a fight over whether or not its ethical to dump toxic waste near a small town.  Unfortunately, exposure to the toxic waste leads to madness.  This episode features a good performance from Zach Galligan as the polluter who learns the errors of his way.

This episode aired on October 26th, 1990.

Retro Television Review: Jennifer Slept Here 1.4 “Boo”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Debbie Reynolds drops by!

Episode 1.4 “Boo”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on November 11th, 1983)

This week’s episode of Jennifer Slept Here opens with Jennifer tormenting Joey while he tries to make a snack.  Whenever Joey tries to grab a bowl and a box of cereal, Jennifer materializes and says, “Boo!”  I guess when you’re a ghost, you have to find a way to pass the time.  Seriously, though, Joey acts like he’s about to have a heart attack every time that he sees Jennifer.  He should be used to her by now.

In other words — STOP BEING SUCH A WIMP, JOEY!

Joey is upset because he’s stuck at home while his parents take his little sister to a costume party but then Marc shows up with two twins (played by Jacqueline and Samantha Forrest).  The twins seem to like Joey and Marc but again, Joey can’t leave the house.  Jennifer suggests to Joey that he suggest that they just have a party at the house.  Joey follows Jennifer’s advice and it turns out that the twins really want to have a …. séance!

Joey is totally excited because he has his own ghost!  However, Jennifer informs him that she doesn’t want to perform like a trained seal so he’s going to have to figure out his own way to party with the twins.  Suddenly, the studio audience goes wild as Debbie Reynolds materializes in Joey’s bedroom.  It turns out that Debbie Reynolds is playing Jennifer’s mother, who is also a ghost.  Jennifer’s mom has spent 24 years searching for Jennifer.  Why?  Because she’s still upset over the fact that Jennifer didn’t thank her when she won a Golden Globe.  Jennifer’s mother has tracked down her daughter so that she can demand to be given credit for her daughter’s career!

(Really?  It’s just a Golden Globe.)

Jennifer and her mother argue over whether or not Jennifer has ever given her mother enough credit.  Jennifer’s mother eventually announces that she’s leaving and proceeds to walk through a wall.  Desperate for her mother to return, Jennifer asks Joey to perform a …. wait for it …. a séance!  Joey gets Jennifer to agree to help him to impress the twins in return for him trying to contact her mother.

At the séance, Marc says they should contact Jennifer’s mother but Joey is like, “Let’s contact her mother!”  As it storms outside, Jennifer does things like forcing everyone to keep their hands on table and causing candles to float around the living room.  It scares and impresses the twins and they suggest a trip to their place where they have a hot tub.  But Jennifer tells Joey that he can’t leave because the séance isn’t over.  Realizing that Jennifer is right, Joey says he can’t go to the hot tub because he has to clean up the house.

“Joey,” Marc announces, “I don’t know what’s wrong with but someday, it’s going to keep you out of the army.”

Okay, 80s TV show, way to be cringey there.

Anyway, Jennifer’s Mother does eventually appear and Joey gets to go hot tubbing with the twins while Jennifer and her mom work on their relationship in the living room.  And I have to say that, after a really silly 19-minute build-up, the final scene between Ann Jillian and Debbie Reynolds was actually very sweet and touching, perhaps more so than you would expect from a sitcom about a ghost and her dorky teenage roommate.

This episode did not get off to a great start but that final scene between Ann Jillian and Debbie Reynolds saved it.  The show definitely worked best when it focused more on Jennifer and less on the people who lived with her.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.4 “The Vampire Hunter”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991.  The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

This week, Monsters features a vampire!  Yay!  I usually love a good vampire story.

Episode 1.4 “The Vampire Hunter”

(Dir by Michael Gornick, originally aired on November 12th, 1988)

The fourth episode of Monsters opens in New England, towards the end of the 19th century.  Ernest Chariot (Robert Lansing) is a veteran vampire hunter who is planning on hanging up his crucifix and his stake so he can concentrate on flirting with the women who come to him searching for answers about the paranormal.  He even tells his young assistant, Jack (Jack Koening), that is planning on heading over to Austria so he can meet with Sigmund Freud and talk about dream interpretation with him.  Interestingly enough, it appears that Ernest doesn’t really believe in anything paranormal, outside of vampires.  Myself, I think if I ever saw proof that vampires existed, I would probably accept that anything could exist.  I mean, it’d be strange for it just be vampires.

Before he can retire, Ernest does have one last job to complete.  Ms. Warren (Page Hannah) claims that her brother has been acting strangely, as if he’s been bitten by a vampire.  Ernest is skeptical of Ms. Warren’s claims and decides to take a trip to Ms. Warren’s hometown so that he can investigate her background before he agrees to help her.  The far more naïve Jack, however, goes with Ms. Warren back to her home.

It turns out that Ernest was right to be suspicious because Ms. Warren is the reluctant servant of Charles Poole (John Bolger), a vampire who wears a blue mask because of a facial injury that was inflicted upon him by Ernest in the past.  Jack holds Ernest off with a crucifix but, after he loses that, he soon discovers that it’s not as easy to stake a vampire as he thought.

Ernest returns to his office from investigating Ms. Warren’s background, saying that it required him to work in cotton mill.  His housekeeper tells him that Jack left with Ms. Warren.  A panicked Ernest goes to Ms. Warren’s home where he finds Jack in a coffin and Charles Poole eager for a final battle….

And that’s pretty much it.  This was a really weird episode, largely because there wasn’t even an attempt at a clever twist at the end or anything like that.  Instead, it was just a straight-forward story of an old vampire hunter coming face-to-face with a vampire.  In the end, Ms. Warren chooses to help Ernest instead of Charles.  The good guys win and the final credits role.  It’s all very earnest and, again, straight-forward.  At the same time, it’s also not that interesting.  It feels like a scene from a bigger story and, when viewed outside of the context of that bigger story, it lacks the type of emotional depth necessary to really hold the viewer’s attention.

It’s a shame.  I usually love a good vampire story!  Unfortunately, this isn’t one.  Oh well.

Horror On TV: The Hitchhiker 6.3 “Riding the Nightmare” (dir by Christian Duguay)


On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a woman who is having an affair with her sister’s husband (uh-oh, don’t do that) starts having surreal and increasingly frightening nightmares about a white horse.  Is she being warned of her impending death?

This episode originally aired on October 5th, 1990.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.13 “Not Now, I’m Dying/Too Young to Love/Eleanor’s Return”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Captain Stubing’s in love again.  Things don’t work out.

Episode 3.13 “Not Now, I’m Dying/Too Young To Love/Eleanor’s Return”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin and Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

The first thing that I noticed about this episode is that the name of guest star Jon Cypher was misspelled as “Jon Cyphers” on his intro card.  I’m sure that Cypher appreciated that.  Jon Cypher may never have been a household name but he appeared in several movies and a ton of television shows, usually cast as autocratic authority figures.  Misspelling his name is an odd error for a guest star-driven show like The Love Boat to make.

The other thing I noticed was that Jill Whelan was not listed in the opening credits and indeed, Vicki is not in the episode.  The simple explanation is that this episode was originally meant to air before Stubing adopted Vicki.  Still, I did find myself wondering if maybe Captain Stubing finally realized that it was kind of weird for a 12 year-old to live on a cruise ship.  Vicki living on the ship has always confused me.  I mean, she’s 12 and she’s apparently now working for the cruise line.  Shouldn’t she be in school?  Does she have a tutor on the boat?  I mean, how is any of this legal?

Captain Stubing didn’t say anything about Vicki in this episode but that’s because he was devoting most of his attention to Eleanor (Barbara Rush).  Eleanor previously appeared during the second season, during which Stubing fell for her.  Stubing is excited that Eleanor will be taking the cruise for a second time but, before he can ask her out, Eleanor is approached by Russell Evans (Jon Cyphers Cypher).  Russell asks Eleanor to dance with him and Stubing can only watch helplessly as Eleanor has a whirlwind romance with Russell.  Unfortunately, Russell turns out to be a bit of a cad but, by the time time Eleanor realizes this, the cruise is almost over!  Stubing chastely comforts her and I did appreciate that the show didn’t have her just magically get over her broken heart and have her hook up with the Captain.  At the end of the cruise, Eleanor says goodbye once again and Stubing can only hope that she’ll take a third trip on the boat.

While this is going on, Doc is excited because his friend, Lucy (Barbi Benton), has boarded the boat with her fiancé, Peter Welch (Dack Rambo).  Lucy is really enthusiastic about getting married but Peter’s not sure if he wants to settle down.  So, in an example of incredibly weird thinking, Peter lies and tells Lucy that he’s dying of a tropical disease and it wouldn’t be fair of him to marry her.  When Lucy tells Doc the news, Doc informs Lucy that Peter’s disease doesn’t exist.  In order to get back at Peter, Lucy arranges for Peter to be examined by Doc.  The plan is for Doc to violate his Hippocratic oath and risk his medical license by giving Peter a false diagnosis.  However, Doc discovers that Peter actually is sick.  He has Lou Gehrig’s Disease.  This leads to Peter and Lucy realizing that they really do love each other.

Finally, two underage kids — Terry (Timothy Patrick Murphy) and Monica (Christen Kauffmann) — board the boat under false names and check into the honeymoon cabin so that they can take their relationship to the next level.  However, Monica is the daughter of one of the cruise line’s executives and, when he discovers what is going on, he orders Stubing to keep the kids apart.  Since Stubing is more interested in pursuing Eleanor, he gives the job to Gopher.

Instead of just confronting the kids about lying to get the honeymoon suite and assigning them to different cabins, Gopher decided to rely on his mastery of disguise.  Gopher disguises himself as both an old man and a bearded Scotsman and continually makes sure that Terry and Monica never get any time alone.  Terry is annoyed but Monica is happy because she’s not sure if she actually wants to lose her virginity to a handsome and considerate guy who has enough money to afford a luxurious cabin on a cruise ship.

This episode was …. well, it was okay.  It was a typical episode of The Love Boat, in that everyone was attractive and the boat looked really nice.  With the exception of Eleanor’s story, this was a fairly superficial 45 minutes.  That said, it was a pleasant episode even if it wasn’t particularly memorable.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.4 “All The President’s Women”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Robert Altman!  This will be good …. right?

Episode 1.4 “All The President’s Women”

(Dir by Robert Altman, originally aired on May 10th, 1997)

When it comes to the fourth episode of Gun, I have to admit that my expectation were high because this episode was the only one in the series to be directed by Gun’s producer, Robert Altman.  The story, about the womanizing president of a golf club, sound like it would be right up Altman’s alley and allow him to engage in the social satire for which he was best-known.

Unfortunately, the episode itself just isn’t that good.  In fact, it’s the worst episode of Gun that I’ve seen so far.  Watching the show, it’s easy to see that Altman directed it.  There’s several very Altman-like moments.  The show’s plot and its characters all tend to mirror Altman’s trademark obsessions.  That said, for all of Altman’s strengths as a filmmaker and a satirist, he was also a bit self-indulgent and this episode is basically 50 minutes of Altman patting himself on the back and bragging about how clever he is.

The film takes place at a golf club in Texas.  After the club’s president is bitten by a rattlesnake and then accidentally shoots himself in the foot while trying to kill the snake, Bill Johnson (Randy Quaid) is elected as his replacement.  Bill is friendly but shallow, a businessman who is all about prestige and showing off his wealth.  While his wife (Daryl Hannah) spends her time researching real-life presidents, Bill is having an affair with the former’s president’s widow (Jennifer Tilly) while also flirting with his new secretary (Dina Spybey).  Meanwhile, another former lover (Sean Young) is now his attorney while Sally Kellerman plays Jennifer Tilly’s mother and continually warns Bill to stay away from her daughter.

Bill is shocked to discover that someone is sending packages to the women in his life.  Jennifer Tilly receives the gun that was used to shoot the rattlesnake.  Darryl Hannah receives the magazine.  Sean Young receives the bullets.  If you can’t already guess that this is going to end up with Bill in his underwear on the 18th hole, being menaced by a woman carrying a gun, I don’t know what to tell you.

This episode just falls flat and it’s largely the fault of the cast.  Randy Quaid, at the very least, has a Texas accent but he’s not a convincing lothario.  The women all butcher their accents, with the majority of them sounding more like they’re from Georgia than Texas.  Most the cast goes overboard with their quirkiness while Altman directs in a meandering fashion that robs the episode of whatever satirical impact that it might have had.  It’s just a boring episode, regardless on the nails-on-a-chalkboard accents and all the overacting.  Watching this episode, I was reminded of why I usually can’t stand anthology shows.  They just seem to bring out the worst in everyone.

Next week, Kirsten Dunst guest stars.  Did Gun bring out the worst in her?  We’ll find out!

Horror On TV: The Hitchhiker 6.2 “Tough Guys Don’t Whine” (dir by Jorge Montesi)


Let’s give some credit to whoever came up with the title of tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker!

In this episode, Alan Thicke plays a skeevy movie director who likes to pretend to be a tough guy.  When he hooks up with the girlfriend of a genuine tough guy, the director discovers that he’s not quite as streetwiswe as he thought he was.  The Hitchhiker doesn’t seem to have much sympathy for anyone involved.

This episode originally aired on September 28th, 1990.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.20 “Nona/One Million B.C.”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This episode features a trip to the past and a surprisingly good turn from Peter Graves.

Episode 3.20 “Nona/One Million B.C.”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on March 1st, 1980)

This week, we have another episode of Fantasy Island in which a somewhat effective fantasy is matched with an incredibly dumb one.

The dumb fantasy involves two women (Phyllis Davis and Jo Ann Pflug) who want to go back to a time when men took care of everything and women didn’t have to do anything.  They’re sick of all that women’s lib stuff!  Mr. Roarke explains that their fantasy is rather vaguely worded and then sends them back to the time of dinosaurs and cavemen.  (Of course, dinosaurs and cavemen didn’t exist at the same time but whatever.)  After the two women are nearly killed by a Claymation dinosaur, they are taken in by a tribe of cavemen.  Since their modern clothes were ruined in all the excitement, they are given fashionable fur outfits to wear.  Despite the fact that they’ve gone back to One Million B.C., the new animal skins outfits have built-in bras, showing that the cave people were more advanced than anyone realized.

Anyway, living in a cave sucks but, fortunately, it turns out that tribe’s leader (Neville Brand) is actually just Mr. Roarke in disguise.  Just as the cavemen find themselves in a battle with another tribe of cave dwellers, Roarke reveals himself and ends the fantasy.  Yes, it was dumb.

The other fantasy was significantly better.  Ned J. Scott (Peter Graves) is a former Chicago cop who is now blind but still obsessed with finding the whereabouts a missing actress named Nona (Joanna Pettet).  Roarke gives Scott one of his magic potions, which briefly returns his ability to see.  Fortunately, Nona is on Fantasy Island, being held prisoner by a knife-wielding pimp (Edd Byrnes).  Scott saves her from the pimp, encourages her not to be so critical of herself, and reunites Nona with her family before losing his eyesight once again.  Nona, having fallen in love with Scott, declares that she loves him whether he can see or not.  They leave the Island together.  Awwwwww!

The second fantasy had its flaws, not the least of which was that Nona certainly got over being a sex slave in record time.  But, almost despite itself it still worked.  A lot of that is due to Peter Graves.  Graves, who we normally think of as being something of a stiff actor, gives a very emotional performance here and the viewer never doubts for a second his love for Nona.  Graves especially does a good job in the scenes where Scott realizes that his vision is starting to fade and that he will soon be blind again.  He gives a fully committed performance, one that elevates the fantasy.

Finally, this episode features one brief scene of Roarke and Tattoo banter.  (Roarke and Tattoo banter used to be one of the show’s trademarks but it was rarely seen during the third season.)  Roarke tricks Tattoo into thinking that he’s just taken an invisibility serum.  It’s a bit cruel but at least they were speaking to each other again.