Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe needs surgery!

Episode 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 27th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Socrates Kotter.  Uncle Socrates had a best friend named Euripides but they drifted apart when Socrates moved to Chicago and opened up his own dry cleaning place.  One day, a guy who looked just like Euripides walked into the business.

“Euripedes!” Socrates shouted.

“Yeah,” the guy replied as he handed over his pants, “you menda these?”

Plato was not available for comment.

After the opening credits, we find ourselves back at the apartment.  Gabe comes home from the dentist and tells Julie that he has three abscesses.  (Good Lord, Gabe!)  Gabe says that a root canal will cost thousands.  Having the teeth pulled will cost hundreds.  Or maybe he can just convince someone to knock out all of his teeth for free.

Julie says that she’s gotten a part-time job stuffing envelopes but that’s probably not going to pay for Gabe’s dental surgery.  She suggests that he call one of the personal loan places that advertise on television.  Gabe is reluctant because he hates their commercials but, at Julie’s insistence, he calls and asks for $12,000.  The guy on the other end of the line asks Gabe what he does for a living.

“I’m a teacher,” Gabe replies.

“What’s he saying?” Julie asks.

“I’ll tell you after he stops laughing.”

Eventually, the guy asks Gabe about his assets.  “I’m a fun guy,” Gabe says, “I’ve got a good sense of humor….”  The loan guy tells Gabe that, if he takes out a loan with them, he’ll have to pay $110 a month for a year and that he would have to put up his first born son as collateral.

(Today, I should add, I spent $110 on Halloween candy.)

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are confused as to why Gabe is slurring his speech when he calls roll.  After Freddie asks if he’s okay, Gabe explains that he has to get dental surgery but he doesn’t have any way to pay for it.  Freddie suggests that Gabe join the Marines.  Epstein offers to go into business with him.  Barbarino volunteers to be the prize at a raffle.  Horshack offers to sell his body to science.

After class ends, Gabe sits at his desk and reads the classifieds.  (“Wanted, hearse driver.  Must not mind riding alone …. sort of.”)  Woodman wanders into the classroom and reminds Gabe that he’s not allowed to “moonlight.”  Gabe asks Woodman how he manages to make ends meet.

“My ends never meet, Kotter!” Woodman declares.

Gabe bemoans never being able to have fun on his salary.

“There’s more to life than fun, Kotter,” Woodman says, “There’s hard work, sacrifice, and REVENGE!”

After Woodman leaves, Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein return to the classroom and announce that they’ve pooled together their life savings to help out Mr. Kotter.  They then hand him five dollars and 72 cents.  “Stay mellow, fellow,” Freddie says.

Several nights later, at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he has to go to his second job as a “public relations expert at a restaurant.”  Julie accuses Gabe of cheating on her.  Uhmm, Julie — remember how you all talked about how Gabe would need to get a second job to pay for his root canal?  It wasn’t that long ago….

Part of the reason why Julie is suspicious is because Gabe always takes a suitcase with him to work.  What’s in the suitcase?  Gabe’s work costume!  Yes, I said costume.  Gabe’s public relations job involves dressing up like a chicken and going to the grand opening of every new Mr. Chicken restaurant.

Guess who walks into the restaurant?

It’s Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein!  Horshack, not recognizing Captain Chicken as his teacher, demands an autograph.  However, the other Sweathogs quickly recognize him and, no longer as sympathetic as they were a few days ago, they proceed to make fun of Gabe and his costume.  Unfortunately, because Gabe is on the clock, he still has to take their orders.  They order the Gluten’s Gorge.

While Gabe relays the order to the kitchen, Woodman comes in and sees that the restaurant is having a contest where, if you guess the number of chicken bones in a container, you’ll win a free meal.  Gabe has his back to him but he still clearly hears as Woodman announces, “460, Captain Chicken!”  Gabe is forced to turn around and reveal that Woodman is “a few bones short.”  Woodman tells Gabe to watch out for roosters and then laughs loudly as he leaves.

Gabe is then forced, by the restaurant manager, to do a dance with a cane and a top hat in order to celebrate the Sweathogs ordering a Gluten’s Gorge.  The Sweathogs applaud and congratulate Gabe for being a “good sport.”  Gabe explains that he took this demeaning job because he couldn’t get a day job because it would mean abandoning his Sweathogs.  The restaurant manager then orders Gabe to get his “delinquents” students out of the place.

“Up your gizzard with a rubber lizard,” Freddie replies.

Rather than betray his students, Gabe quits his job.  They all leave to get Chinese food.  Yay!  I love Chinese food.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Sophie, who always used to sleep with her mouth open and….

Wait a minute …. did Gabe ever get his dental surgery?  It seems like that whole part of the story kind of got pushed to the side.  This was an incredibly silly episode and it didn’t quite work for me because, as annoying as Julie can be, her whole assumption that Gabe was having an affair never made sense.  She knew why he had to get a night job.  Still, at least Mr. Woodman got a few good lines and it’s always touching when the Sweathogs reveal that they really do care about their teacher and themselves.

Seriously, though — three abscesses!?  Here’s hoping Gabe takes better care of himself in the future!