Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.5 “My Zombie Lover”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991.  The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

For this week’s episode, the dead rise and …. hey, wait a minute.  Horrorthon’s over!  And yet, here I am reviewing another show about zombies.  Oh well, let’s get to it!

Episode 1.5 “My Zombie Lover”

(Dir by David Misch, originally aired on November 19th, 1988)

It’s the night of the dead!

In a small town, the dead rise once a year and feast on the flesh of the living.  No one is sure why this happens.  As one person explains it, some people think that it’s a gypsy curse and some people think that it’s due to radiation and others think that it’s just the result of poor embalming techniques.  But every year, for one night, families in the town head out with their guns and they spend a few hours killing zombies.

Dottie (Tempestt Bledsoe) is home, visiting from college.  She doesn’t want to go out and hunt zombies.  Nor does she want to go see her old high school acquaintances.  She just wants to stay on the couch while Dad (Ed Wheeler), Mom (Marcella Lowery, the terrible principal from City Guys), and her younger brother, Brad (Eugene Byrd), head outside.  Dad can’t wait to kill some zombies.  Brad, meanwhile, thinks that the zombies should be left alone and is carrying a protest sign.

After her family boards up the house and then leaves, Dottie is surprised to hear a knock at the door.  She answers the door and finds Paul Nichols (Steve Harper) standing outside with some flowers.  Paul was in Dottie’s French class but he died before he could graduate from high school.  Now, he’s back in zombie form and he just wants Dottie to know that he always had a crush on her.  Soon, Paul and Dottie are talking about old times.  Unfortunately, Paul cannot resist the temptation to bite Dottie’s hand but Dottie forgives him.

Suddenly, Dad, Mom, and Brad return.  Dad takes one look at Paul and aims his rifle.  Shouting that she loves Paul, Dottie jumps in front of her zombie boyfriend and is killed by the bullet that was meant for him.  However, since this is the night of the dead, Dottie immediately returns in zombie form.  She and Paul are both hungry and they ask if there’s any meat in the house.  Dad and Mom think for a moment and then they both look down at Brad and share a smile.

In other words, Brad was the only person in town who cared about the zombies and now, he’s going to be eaten.

I appreciated this episode’s rather macabre sense of humor and I especially liked the way Dad ran through all the possible reasons for the zombies returning.  (They are all reasons that have been suggested in various Romero zombie films.)  Unfortunately, a few too many of the jokes fell flat for this episode to really be considered a total success.  Tempestt Bledsoe, in particular, seemed to be confused by the episode’s grotesque humor, giving a performance that never quite found the right balance between sincerity and humor.  That said, I did like Steve Harper’s performance as the saddest zombie in the world.  He only gets to eat once a year but, rather than do that, he just wants to let Dottie know that he liked her.  Awwwwww!

Despite some tonal inconsistences, this was an entertaining episode, one that I appreciated as a fan of zombie films.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.14 “The Stimulation of Stephanie/Life Begins at 40/The Next Step”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard!  They’re expecting you!

Episode 3.14 “The Stimulation of Stephanie/Life Begins at 40/The Next Step”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 1st, 1979)

After being unexplainably absent last week, Vicki returns this week and is once again somehow a member of the Love Boat crew, despite only being 12.  Nobody asks where she was last week and certainly, no one asks her how she’s doing in school.  In fact, not only the crew but also the passengers seem to be totally accepting of the idea of a 12 year-old working as the assistant to the cruise director.  I guess the 70s were a different time.

If I seem to be harping on the strangeness of Vicki living on the boat, that’s because this week’s episode really isn’t that interesting.  This week’s episode is a fairly bland one.  It’s so bland that it really leaves you with no choice but wonder about the logistics of how the boat works.  And really, that’s something that should never happen when you’re watching a show like The Love Boat.  If you’re worrying about real-life questions while watching a show like this, it means that you’re watching an episode that just isn’t working.  The Love Boat, like Fantasy Island, should be an escape from reality and not an excuse to wonder about how it all works.

As usual, we’ve got three storylines to deal with.  Jo Anne Worley plays Dottie Anderson, who is 39 years old and still unmarried.  She’s booked herself in the honeymoon suite because she is determined that she is going to meet a man and get married over the course of the cruise.  Julie assures Dottie that there’s nothing wrong with being single when you’re 4o, which is easy for Julie to say because someone asks her to get married during almost every cruise.  Anyway, Dottie flirts with a lot of men and ultimately, she comes to realize that Julie was right.  She embraces being single and leaves the boat happy.  Yay!  This storyline didn’t add up too much but at least Jo Anne Worley knew how to deliver a joke.

Meanwhile, pro football player Virgil Plummer (Roosevelt Grier) is upset because he’s about to retire from the game that he loves and he doesn’t know what the future holds for him.  With the help of his wife (Melba Moore) and Isaac, Virgil realizing that he can pursue a career as a cook.  Personally, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t just retire and live off the millions he made as a football player.  Or maybe he could become a coach or one of those “fight for every inch” motivational speakers.  Grier and Moore had a likable chemistry (even if it did feel more like a close friend chemistry as opposed to a married chemistry) but again, this storyline just didn’t add up too much.

Finally, sex research Norman Bridges (Dick Martin) and his assistant, Stephanie Champman (Char Fontane) board the boat.  Bridges wants to research the roots of sexual simulation.  Stephanie is in love with Bridges, though you have to wonder why because he’s kind of a boring jerk.  Still, when Norman thinks that Doc Bricker is trying to seduce Stephanie, Norman goes down to Bricker’s cabin and punches him.  Unfortunately, Norman wasn’t wearing his glasses and didn’t initially realize that the woman in Doc’s cabin was not Stephanie but was instead a passenger named Lena (Judy Landers).  Eventually, Norman does figure out that Stephanie loves him and they leave the boat together.  Somehow, Norman got away with assaulting the ship’s doctor.  This storyline was just dumb.  No one in their right mind would fall in love with someone as clueless and self-absorbed as Norman.

This was a less-than-satisfactory cruise.  But that’s what happens when you break child labor laws.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.5 “The Hole”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the gun ends up at the bottom of a swimmin’ hole!

Episode 1.5 “The Hole”

(Dir by Ted Demme, originally aired on May 24th, 1997)

Yep, this episode of Gun centers around an old country swimming hole.  Every day, teenage Sondra (Kirsten Dunst) and her younger brothers, Brendan (Drake Bell) and Tad (Joe Pichler), head down to the Hole.  For Sondra, swimming in the Hole is a chance to escape from her life of living in a trailer park with her trashy mother (Carrie Fisher) and her pervy stepfather (Cliff Bemis).  For Brendan and Tad, going to the Hole is a chance to look for the treasure that they are convinced is at the bottom of the water.  It is true that there is something shiny in the Hole.  Sondra thinks that it might be the diamonds that she could use to finance an escape from the trailer park and a one-way trip down to Florida.  Actually, it’s the pearl-handled gun that’s been at the center of every episode of Gun.

(In this episode, it’s suggested that the gun has been at the bottom of the hole for over a year.  So, how did it end up in that town in the first place?  Is this episode taking place before or after the previous episodes?  I guess the simple solution is that it’s not the same gun as the gun seen in the previous episodes but the part of me that loves continuity is having a hard time accepting that.)

The gun belonged to James Munday (Johnny Whitworth), who has only recently been released from prison.  He was convicted of murdering his girlfriend and only the fact that he was a minor at the time kept him from being given a life sentence.  James claims that his girlfriend died as a part of a failed suicide pact and he’s convinced that the gun in the Hole can prove his innocence.

When James and Sondra meet, it doesn’t take long for them to fall for each other.  Sondra remains James of his dead girlfriend and Sondra, like of all of us, is attracted to brooding rebels.  However, when the rest of the town hears that James has been going to the Hole, a lynch mob is formed.  Dick Sproule (Max Gail), the father of the girl that James was convicted of killing, is soon at the Hole with a rifle in his hands.  Can James prove his innocence and will the town even care?

This episode was extremely overwrought and it featured every flaw that tends to turn me off of anthology shows in general.  All of the characters were broadly drawn.  The dialogue was way overwritten.  Director Ted Demme told the story with a heavy-hand and used slow motion as if he was under the impression that he was the first director to ever consider heightening the drama by slowing things down.  The whole thing just felt like a bad creative writing assignment.  Out of the cast, only Kirsten Dunst was able to really create a character who felt as if she had a life outside of the demands of the story.  Everyone else seemed to be a caricature.  In the end, James may have been a hot, brooding rebel but he was also kind of whiny.  That got old pretty quickly.

*Sigh*  Well, that’s another disappointing episode of Gun for you!  Next week, I’ll be reviewing the series finale.  Hopefully, this show will at least end on a worthwhile note.

Horror on TV: The Curse of Degrassi (dir by Stefan Brogren)


This is a special episode of my favorite TV show of all, Degrassi!  Originally airing on October 28th, 2008, The Curse of Degrassi features Degrassi’s main mean girl, Holy J Sinclair (Charlotte Arnold), getting possessed by the vengeful spirit of deceased school shooter, Rick Murray (Ephraim Ellis).  Chaos follows!  Fortunately, Spinner (Shane Kippel) is around to save the day.  As any true Degrassi fan can tell you, only Spinner has a chance against the forces of the undead.

What I like about this episode is that, in the best tradition of Degrassi, it goes there.  Holly J does get possessed.  Just about the entire cast end up dying horribly.  Spinner has to battle the undead spirit of Rick Murray and he has to do it without the help of Drake.  And, as far as we know, this episode is canon.  So, yes, Rick Murray’s ghost actually does haunt Degrassi Community School and yes, only Spinner can save us all.

Go Spinner!

Enjoy!

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 6.20 “New Blood” (dir by Joel Farges)


Tonight, on the final episode of The Hitchhiker, Rae Dawn Chong plays an aspiring actress who wants to join the hottest theatrical troupe.  Unfortunately, there’s a price for everything and sometimes, that price is your soul!

This episode originally aired on February 22nd, 1991.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by jungle men and ventriloquists!

Episode 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on March 8th, 1980)

For years, David Farley (Dennis Cole) starred as Jungle Man on television.  When the show was canceled, David made a living by doing public appearances as Jungle Man but then the producers of the show filed a lawsuit.  As a result, David is no longer allowed to ever dress up in a loin cloth.  David comes to Fantasy Island, hoping for one last chance to be Jungle Man.

(This fantasy, by the way, had its roots in what happened to the original Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore.  Moore was told that he could no longer wear the mask in public because a new Lone Ranger movie was coming out.  The producers also took Moore to court.  Moore reacts by ditching the mask and wearing wrap-around sunglasses instead.)

Mr. Roarke explains to David that his fantasy will make Jungle Man a reality.  There will be no stunt doubles and the bad guys might not be as easy to defeat as on television.  David says he doesn’t care.  He finds himself again in the jungle, transformed into Jungle Man!  He also discovers that all of his friends are upset with him because they haven’t seen him for two years.  They think that Jungle Man just abandoned them and, of course, Jungle Man can’t explain that the show was canceled.

In Jungle Man’s absence, Queen Mara (France Nuyen) has agreed to surrender the jungle to the evil hunter, Derrick Haskell (Dick Butkus, who between Half-Nelson, Hang Time, and this show, is becoming a bit of a regular on this site).  Can Jungle Man prevent Mara from signing over her land?  And can he save Rima (Barbara Luna), the woman he loves?  And, even more importantly, can he convince Roarke to to let him live forever in the jungle?

Of course, he can.  This was a bit of silly fantasy but it still worked because of how earnest Dennis Cole was in the role of Jungle Man.  Plus, I enjoyed that life in the jungle had continued even after the Jungle Man television show was canceled.  It captured the way that a lot of us feel when our favorite TV show is cancelled and we wonder what happened to all the characters after the finale.

The other fantasy was …. well, it was weird and creepy and surprisingly dark.  Annette Funicello played Mary Ann Carlin (Annette Funicello), a world famous ventriloquist.  Mary Ann is worried that she can no longer tell where her personality ends and where the personality of her dummy, Valerie, begins.  Is there anything creepier than a ventriloquist with a personality conflict?

Mary Ann’s fantasy is to separate her personality from Valerie’s for a weekend so that she can decide what to do with her career.  (This sounds like something that would be better handled by a therapist than a resort owner but whatever.)  Mr. Roarke’s solution is to turn Valerie into a living human being.  Unfortunately, it turns out that Valerie has a man streak and she not only seduces Mary Ann’s boyfriend (Don Galloway) but she also gives a surreal performance in which, somehow, Mary Ann is transformed into the dummy.

Fortunately for Mary Ann. everything works out.  She finally snaps out of whatever spell she was under and she tossed Valerie, who is now suddenly a doll once again, in a fire.  Mary Ann and her boyfriend leave the Island, planning on getting married and settling down.  Apparently, Mary Ann doesn’t have a problem with the fact that her boyfriend had sex with a ventriloquist’s dummy but I still imagine that it’s something she’ll bring up whenever they have a disagreement about something.  “You think I’m spending too much money!?  Remember that time you screwed a block of wood?”

It really doesn’t make much sense at all but it’s so surreal and weird that it’s fun to watch.  This fantasy was the Island at its most nightmarish and certainly, that makes it an appropriate fantasy to close out October with!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Café 1.5 “Sanctuary For A Child”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Café, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the café goes country!

Episode 1.5 “Sanctuary For A Child”

(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired on March 27th, 1992)

On tonight’s episode of Nightmare Café, we learn a few things about the café.  Apparently, the café is not just located in Los Angeles.  It can materialize anywhere on the planet but it apparently does so on its own.  Though Blackie (played by Robert Englund) claims to be the proprietor of the café, this episode suggests that he actually has no control over it.  While Blackie apparently does know why the Nightmare Café does the things that it does, it would appear that the café still has a mind of its own.  It decides where it is going and it decides when it is time to leave.

This episode, for instance, begins with the Nightmare Café materializing on a street in a small, country town.  Soon after it materializes, both Frank and Fay also materialize inside the café.  I’ve often wondered where Frank and Fay go whenever the café is closed for business.  Frank and Fay, after all, are essentially ghosts.  Do they need to eat or sleep?  This episode suggests that they do, as Fay complains about having to get up early because “the café” has decided to open up the crack of dawn.

Soon enough, a young boy named Luke Wall (Brandon Quintin Adams) comes walking into the café.  He and Frank immediately bond, with Frank realizing that Luke is trying to run away from home.  What Frank discovers upon following Luke out of the café is that Luke’s home is in a hospital.  Luke is in a coma and has been for quite some time.  Frank also discovers that the café has materialized in his home town, the place that he left when he joined the Navy and to which he thought he would never return.  Luke is the son of Frank’s former best friend, Tom (Vondie Curtis-Hall), and his ex-girlfriend, Evelyn (Angela Bassett).  Frank explains to Fay that Evelyn was the love of his life but his racist father demanded that they break up.  That was one of the main reasons why Frank left town and has never returned.

So, the Nightmare Cafe wants two things to happen.  It wants Tom and Evelyn to make peace with Luke’s impending death and also with each other.  And it wants Frank to deal with his past and his feelings towards his late father.

And that’s exactly what happens.  It’s a sweet episode, even if it’s a bit predictable and heavy-handed enough to end with “The Living Years” playing on the soundtrack.  In many ways, this felt more like an episode of Highway to Heaven than an episode of Nightmare Café but, as was so often the case with this show, the strong performances of the cast carried the narrative over any rough spots.  In the end, Frank made his peace with the past, Luke moved on to the afterlife, and the Nightmare Café moved on to a new town.

Next week: the final episode of Nightmare Café!

Horror on TV: Baywatch Nights 2.11 “Possession” (dir by David W. Hagar)


Tonight’s bonus episode of televised horror is an episode of Baywatch Nights that deals with something that every lifeguard eventually has to deal with: demonic possession.

Well, actually, it’s not so much demonic possession as its dead serial killer possession but it’s still definitely not a good thing.  That’s especially true when it’s a friend and/or co-worker getting possessed.  I mean, it’s never fun to end a relationship but having to end it because someone managed to get possessed …. I just don’t see how you live that down.

And, before anyone gets the wrong idea, Hasselhoff is not the one who gets possessed.  It would have been fun if he had been but no.  Sorry.

This episode originally aired on February 2nd, 1997.

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 6.19 “Secrets” (dir by Jacques Richard)


On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a woman and her lover attempt to collect her husband’s health insurance after his death.  Unfortunately, for them, her husband might have something to say about that.

This episode originally aired on February 15th, 1991.

A Halloween Blast From The Past: Halloween Is Grinch Night (dir by Gerard Baldwin)


So, we all know that the Grinch once tried to steal to Christmas and then his heart grew a few sizes but did you know that apparently, the Grinch also tried to steal Halloween?

Until a few years ago, I did not.  I was going through YouTube, searching for horror films that I could share here on the Shattered Lens, and guess what I came across?

A TV special from Halloween, 1977 entitled Halloween is Grinch Night!

Unlike How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Halloween is Grinch Night apparently never became a holiday classic.  Perhaps that’s because Halloween is Grinch Night is not exactly the most heart-warming of holiday specials.  Whereas How The Grinch Stole Christmas tells us about how the Grinch learned the true meaning of Christmas, Halloween is Grinch Night gives us a Grinch who has no redeeming features.  There is no hope for this Grinch.  This Grinch will steal your soul and probably drink your blood.  This Grinch is pure Grinchy evil.

This is the Grinch of our nightmares.

Check out Halloween is Grinch Night below and hope the Grinch doesn’t capture you this Halloween….