Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

Let’s see what’s happening on Fantasy Island this week!

Episode 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 14th, 1981)

Hey, Tattoo is back!

Now, interestingly enough, Tattoo is in this episode but Julie only appears for a few seconds, just long enough to tell Roarke that she will be too busy babysitting to help out with any of the fantasies this week.  Considering that she’s screwed up almost everything she’s been entrusted with, I’m sure Roarke was relieved to hear this.  Still, you have to wonder if there was some rule that Julie and Tattoo couldn’t be equally featured in the same episode.

Tattoo is enthused about one of the fantasies this week.  Shy and nerdy Herbie Snyder (Paul Williams) wants to have a harem for the weekend so that he can build up his confidence.  Tattoo offers to accompany Herbie on his fantasy but Roarke says that won’t be necessary.  It turns out Herbie screwed up when he requested his fantasy and asked to be a part of a harem.

Soon, Herbie finds himself surrounded by a bunch of oily body builders as he becomes a member of an all-male harem that belongs to the Contessa (Jayne Meadows)!  Herbie is not comfortable being a sex toy but he is happy to meet and fall in love with Lisa (Pat Klous), the daughter of the Contessa.  Fortunately, it turns out that the Contessa has a fantasy of her own and that’s for Lisa (hey, great name!) to meet and fall in love with a good man.  Herbie and Lisa even get married on Fantasy Island!

This whole fantasy was silly, with Jayne Meadows devouring the scenery as only a veteran guest star can.  That said, Paul Williams and Pat Klous were a cute couple.

As for the other fantasy, Lauren Fandell (Joan Prather) wants to be the center of attention.  Roarke informs her that she’s a descendant of Druid queen.  It turns out that there’s some druids living on a nearby island!  Lauren heads over to Druid Island and is promptly proclaimed Queen of the Druids.  “Are you married? she is asked.  When she says she’s not, she is proclaimed the Virgin Queen.  Uhmmm, okay.  Maybe that’s a druid thing but that just seems like a huge assumption to me….

Unfortunately, being the Virgin Queen means that she’s due to be sacrificed to their God, the evil Pan.  Roarke shows up briefly and gives her a magic acorn necklace, which she does eventually use to distract Pan and escape with her new boyfriend, Paul (Dennis Cole).

(And yes, it does turn out that Paul was another guest whose fantasy was to study the druids.)

This was a good episode.  The fantasies were entertainingly silly and Tattoo was back.  We even got a little of the old Roarke/Tattoo banter, which used to be a highlight of the show.  This episode, with all of its silliness and melodrama, felt like what Fantasy Island was meant to be.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.9 “The Sheik”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch and Jon’s attempts to keep the highways safe are endangered by a young man with a fast car, a bad attitude, and diplomatic immunity.  Cue the music!

Episode 2.9 “The Shiek”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on November 18th, 1978)

The title character of this week’s episode is Barney (Kario Salem), the son of the ruler of a Middle Eastern country.  Wealthy beyond belief, Barney is in the United States.  He’s supposed to be studying but he spends most of his time recklessly speeding around Los Angeles in his sportscar.  When Ponch and Baker pull him over, he announced that he has diplomatic immunity.  When Ponch tries to reprimand Barney for putting people at risk, Barney slaps him.

Barney gets arrested but again …. diplomatic immunity!  In fact, the State Department sends a representative to come down personally and ask that Barney not only be released but that Ponch and Baker apologize for inconveniencing him.

Barney subsequently invites Ponch and Jon to a party on his yacht.  Ponch spends his time flirting with Barney’s assistant, Fay (Marianne Meeks).  Baker struggles to hit on two French girls.  But when someone passes out while on a speeding motorboat, Ponch and Jon both jump on their jet skis and save the day.

Barney, it turns out, is interested in seeing how the American police do their job.  He is scheduled to return home and take over his father’s private police force.  Despite the fact that it sounds like Barney will basically be rounding up and torturing political dissidents, Baker and Ponch take him on a ride along.  Witnessing a real car accident and the struggle to save the lives of the people involved all leads to Barney renouncing his speeding ways.  Ponch and Baker have to agree that Baney’s not such a bad guy.

This episode felt a bit strange.  Instead of featuring several different storylines and rescues, the entire episode pretty much revolved around Ponch and Baker’s relationship with Barney.  It’s never really made clear which country Barney is from but Ponch does mention the Shah at one point.  If Barney is planning on returning to Iran, that means he’s going to return just in time for the revolution.  Poor Barney.

Anyway, Barney had a nice car and the jet ski rescue was exciting.  Baker was charmingly inept at speaking French.  Ponch smiled a lot.  It was pretty much a basic episode of CHiPs.  Seen today, it’s probably most interesting as a portrayal of a pre-911 America’s attitude towards the Middle East and its leaders.  Barney may have been spoiled and arrogant but ultimately, he just needed some straight-talking, no-nonsense, blue collar Americans to explain the way the world worked to him.  Ponch and Baker were happy to oblige.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.19 “The Fix”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs discover a judge may be taking bribes.

Episode 2.19 “The Fix”

(Dir by Dick Miller, originally aired on March 7th, 1986)

Roger Ferguson (Bill Russell) is a powerful man in Miami.  A former basketball player turned lawyer, Ferguson could have been elected mayor but instead, he chose to take an appointment to the bench.  In his art deco courtroom, Judge Ferguson hands down sentences and sets bail.  In fact, sometimes, he sets bail at a surprisingly low amount.  After a drug lord is released on a $5,000 bond and immediately catches a plane for Colombia, Crockett and Tubbs come to suspect that the Judge might be taking bribes.

And he is!  Judge Ferguson has a gambling problem and a corrupt lawyer named Benedict (Harvey Fierstein, clean-shaved but recognizable from the minute he starts to speak) is taking advantage of that fact.  In fact, Ferguson is so in debt that he’s had to borrow from a notorious loan shark named Pagone (Michael Richards — yes, the future Kramer from Seinfeld).  Pagone is now demanding that the judge convince his son, a basketball player named Matt (Bernard King), to throw his next game.

There were some good things about this episode.  It was directed by Dick Miller and yes, that is the same Dick Miller who, as a character actor, appeared in countless Roger Corman films.  As a director, Miller had a good sense of style.  The opening sequence, where the Vice Squad arrests a drug lord at an aviary, is genuinely exciting and well-done.  There was also some moments of genuine humor, largely supplied by the contrast between Crockett’s intensity and Tubbs’s laid-back cool.

The problem is with the casting, some of which is not entirely the show’s fault.  In 1986, no one knew that casting Harvey Fierstein and Michael Richards as ruthless villains would come across as being unintentionally humorous in 2024.  Richards does not give a bad performance as Pagone but, whenever he threatens the judge, he sounds just like Kramer demanding the day off for Festivus.  As for Bill Russell and Bernard King, I looked them up on Wikipedia after watching the show and I was not surprised to discover that they were both actual basketball players.  Both of them gave earnest performances but it was easy to see that neither one of them was a natural or a trained actor.  It wasn’t quite as bad as when actual basketball players used to show up on Hang Time but still, they definitely seemed to be struggling to keep up with the veteran actors in the cast.

This is yet another episode that ends with Crockett staring in horror as someone is shot on a yacht.  (In this case, it’s Judge Ferguson committing suicide after killing Pagone.)  Seriously, what was the yacht budget for this show?

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.6 “He Ain’t Heavy”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

Finally, it’s time to return to Degrassi!

Episode 3.6 “He Ain’t Heavy”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on January 9th, 1989)

Snake’s older brother Glenn (Montgomery Randal) is a Degrassi legend, a star football and basketball player who graduated at the top of his class and who is now attending medical school on a full scholarship.  When Glenn unexpectedly returns to Toronto, Snake is confused.

Glenn explains that he’s come home to tell his parent that he’s moving out of the dorms and getting an apartment with someone with whom he has become very close.

Snake laughs about Glenn moving in with a girlfriend.

No, Glenn says, my new roommate is gay.

Yuck, Snake (who, we should remember, is only 14) replies, why do you want to move in with one of them?

I am gay, Glenn replies.

This episode is a huge moment in Degrassi history, because it’s the first episode to deal with someone coming out.  (Coming out episodes would eventually become a regular occurrence on Degrassi: The Next Generation, to the extent that they would actually become a bit of a cliche.)  Though not a regular character, Glenn is the first person on Degrassi to come out and the episode focuses on Snake’s reaction to his brother being gay.  It’s to the show’s credit that Snake does not have the ideal reaction that one would hope to have.  While the show clearly supports Glenn and portrays him sympathetically, it doesn’t lose sight of the fact that Snake is a 14 year-old boy growing up during a very homophobic time and it portrays his reaction realistically, showing how even a “nice guy” like Snake has his own prejudices, though in his case his prejudices are largely due to peer pressure and growing up in a society and an era that portrays people like his brother to be somehow a threat.  (Early on in the show, Snake and his classmates snicker as their teacher attempts to educate them about AIDS.)  Of course, those of us who are longtime Degrassi fans know that Snake is going to grow up to be a level-headed and open-minded and tolerant adult and this episode offers up hints of the man who Snake is destined to be.  Snake may be 14 years old and he has a lot of growing to do but even he realizes that it took a lot of courage for Glenn to come out and that their mother’s reaction is even worse than Snake’s.  The episode ends with Glenn telling Snake that he won’t be returning home until he feels his family has accepted him.  Snake may not be where he needs to be but, by the end of the episode, one can see that he’s changing and maturing.

This episode was dominated by Snake and Glenn’s storyline and Stefan Brogren’s sensitive performance as Snake.  That said, there were three minor subplots that played out over the course of this episode.  Joey desperately tried to get the program manager of CRA-Z Radio to listen to the Zit Remedy’s demo tape and discovered that it takes a lot more than desire to be a rock star.  While that was going on, L.D. refused to be Lucy’s friend until Lucy shamed her ex-boyfriend into admitting that they didn’t have sex at Lucy’s last party.  (Like it’s any of L.D.’s business, quite frankly.)  And Arthur freaked out because a bunch of younger students asked him if he was rich.  “Who could be telling everyone we won the lottery?” Arthur asks Yick.  Uhmm, Arthur …. remember your cousin, who goes to Degrassi and is a year under you?  Seriously, Arthur gets the worst storylines.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Check It Out 2.9 “Don’t Take My Job Please”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Well, it’s been over a month so I guess it’s time to get back to reviewing this show.  I can’t really remember why I picked this show to review but whatever.  Let’s see what’s happening in Canada.

Episode 2.9 “Don’t Take My Job Please”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on December 12th, 1986)

It’s contract renegotiation time and Howard is convinced that his 12 years of loyal service and the fact that his store is making a lot of money will lead to him getting a raise.  Instead, Corbin from Corporate (Grant Cowan) informs him that the company is letting him go.

Howard vanished, without even Edna knowing for sure where he’s gone.  Jack Christian becomes the new  manager and is soon putting pictures of himself up all over the store.  However, when Christian’s “Buy One, Get One Free” sale leads to the store losing a huge amount of money, Corbin tells Christian that he’s fired …. unless, of course, he can track down Howard and convince him to take the manager’s job.

What?  Is this how they do business in Canada?  I understand firing Howard because the company didn’t want to give him a raise.  I understand firing Christian because he lost a lot of money on a stupid promotion.  But what type of company then begs the first fired guy to come back?  Does Cobb’s not have any other potential store managers?  Do they not have a management training program?  This doesn’t sound like a well-managed company.

Of course, the problem with bring Howard back is that Howard has disappeared, with his last words to Edna being that he was struggling to find anyone willing to hire someone as old as him.  (Howard says he’s 45.  Don Adams was in his 60s when this show aired.)  But then Christian takes everyone out to dinner at Musketeer, the Canadian version of Medieval Times, and guess who is dressed up like D’Artagnan and leading people to their tables?  It’s Howard!  Edna tells him that Cobb’s wants him to come back.  Howard says this is the best news he’s ever heard.

Uhmm …. Howard, it’s obvious they don’t appreciate you and they’re probably just going to try to screw you over again.  Tell ’em to kick rocks in Manitoba.

Anyway, that’s the episode.  It didn’t really add up too much but that’s to be expected with Check It Out.  This was one of those episodes where nothing made any sense but — to give credit where credit is due — the cast made the most of it, with Jeff Pustil, Kathleen Laskey, Aaron Schwartz, and Simon Reynolds all wringing laughs out of the most mild of dialogue.  It’s too bad that the episodes were always so plot-heavy because Check It Out! worked best when it just lets everyone be strange.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 6/30/24 — 7/6/24


Other than the shows that I watch for my retro television reviews, I didn’t watch much TV this week.  I was busy getting ready for the 4th, celebrating the 4th, and fighting to keep my father from getting kicked out of his rehab facility.

I used the Dr. Phil channel on Pluto TV as background noise.  It all kind of blended together.  I lost track of the number of times I heard “How’s that working out for you?”  I also lost track of the number of shots that I saw of Robin McGraw pretending to be shocked that her husband mentioned her.

On Friday, I watched a bit of H&I’s Twilight Zone marathon.  I saw some of my favorites, like The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street, Shadowplay, and It’s A Good Life.

So, I didn’t watch much but that’s okay.  I needed the rest.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.24 “The Return of Hotsy Totsy”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, it’s Welcome Back, Rosalie!

Episode 3.24 “The Return of Hotsy Totsy”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on May 11th, 1978)

Using fakes IDs provided by Epstein, the Sweathogs go to a strip club and are shocked to see their former classmate from season one, Rosalie “Hotsy” Totsy (Debralee Scott), dancing on stage.  Rosalie is not particularly happy to see them either, especially when Horshack keeps calling out her name and saying “hi” while she’s performing.

At first, almost all of the Sweathogs are very judgmental of their former classmate, never mind the fact that 1) she has a baby to support and 2) they were the ones who went through all the trouble of getting fake IDs so that they could illegally go to the club to the first place.  Only Horshack refrains from judging Rosalie.  Instead, he gets an extra job so that can give the money to Rosalie and her baby.  Awwwwwww!

Fear not.  Gabe eventually finds out that his former student has fallen on hard times and with the help of Woodman, he finds employment for her as a receptionist.  That made me smile a little bit.  Being a receptionist is harder than a lot of people realize but I have faith in Rosalie.

This episode deserves some credit for explaining what happened to Rosalie, who was a fairly prominent character during the first half of season one before disappearing without an explanation.  I liked the fact that the episode was clearly on Rosalie’s side and not afraid to call out the Sweathogs on their misogyny.  Debralee Scott gave a heartfelt performance as Rosalie, reminding us of how edgy Gabe’s students used to be.

At the same time, it’s hard not to feel this episode would have worked better during the second season, before the Sweathogs became caricatures and, even more importantly, when Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, and Ron Pallilo could still convincingly pass for being young enough to need fake IDs to get into a bar.  (Travolta, who was the youngest of them all, was the only one who still made for a convincing teenager during season 3.)  Watching this episode, it was hard not to regret how the show transformed Horshack from just being slightly eccentric to being someone who appeared to come from a totally separate planet.  Ron Palllilo, it must be said, still managed to give a good performance in this episode but the character was still so broadly drawn that it was hard to believe that the Sweathogs would have invited him to the strip club to begin with.  Still, his interactions with Rosalie were undeniably sweet.  Horshack may be annoying but he’s a good person.

Interestingly, this episode was written by Gabe Kaplan.  Perhaps that explains why Marcia Strassman’s Julie only gets a few seconds of screentime and only one line of dialogue.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.7 “Wax Magic”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Ryan and Jack go to a carnival!

Episode 2.7 “Wax Magic”

(Dir by William Fruet, originally aired on November 14th, 1988)

Unable to get a date, loser Ryan convinces Jack to go to a traveling carnival with him.

(Okay, maybe “loser” is a bit harsh.  I like Ryan and I think John D. LeMay did a pretty good playing him on the series but seriously, in this episode, Ryan is oddly whiny.  Then again, I would think that Ryan would be more careful about trying to date anyone, considering that everyone with whom he falls in love either dies or is his cousin, Micki.)

Ryan and Jack discover that the carnival has been rocked by a series of decapitations.  Ryan suspects that it might involve the creepy wax figure exhibit that is run by Aldwin Chase (Angelo Rizacos).  Aldwin is incredibly jealous of but also very abusive towards his wife, Marie (Susannah Hoffman).  Whenever someone shows too much interest in Marie, they are visited by a wax figure of Lizzie Borden.  Guess who Ryan develops an obviously doomed crush on?

This was an effectively creepy episode and, with its scenes of carnival goers losing their heads, it felt like it had more in common with the Friday the 13th movies than some of the other episodes.  Towards the end of the episode, Jack and Ryan are actually attacked in the antique shop and it’s actually a bit jolting, a reminder that nowhere is safe.  The show ends with a twist about Marie that’s not particularly but it’s effective nonetheless.  In the role of Jack, Chris Wiggins gets to deliver another one of his monologues about the nature of evil and, as always, he pulls it off wonderfully.

That said, Micki is not in this episode and that’s unfortunate.  Micki is the character to whom I relate, mostly because we’re both redheads with big boobs and, therefore, we share the same struggle.  There have been plenty of episode where Jack was said to be off on another mission and, in those cases, that actually raised the stakes because it left Micki and Ryan without their mentor.  But not having Micki present just felt weird.  Unlike Ryan, I guess she was actually able to get a date.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.12 “Thief of Hearts”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Terri’s ex-boyfriend is in town and T.S. is largely indifferent.

Episode 3.12 “Thief of Hearts”

(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired on March 24th, 1990)

Terri’s ex-boyfriend from college, Zack (Patrick McKenna), is in town.  He tells her that he’s in town testifying as an expert witness in a trial but soon, he also reveals that he’s involved in another get-rich-quick-scheme.  He’s looking for investors to fund a search for a treasure that was lost at sea.  While Turner reacts with his usual indifference, Terri worries that Zack is conning all of her friends.

This was a bizarrely inconsequential episode of a show that, by its third season, had pretty much lost whatever reason it once had for existing.  It’s an episode about Terri dealing with her past and her future but since we really don’t know much about Terri — beyond the fact that she suddenly showed up at the start of the third season and everyone on the show has been acting like she’s always been around — there’s not really much emotional resonance to be found in an episode about her having to deal with a former boyfriend who might be a conman.  Watching this episode, I again reflected on how weird it is that no one ever mentions Amy or why she’s no longer on the show.  I’ve always assumed that, since they share the same last name, Terri is meant to be Amy’s sister but it seems odd that her ex-boyfriend wouldn’t even ask how Amy or any other member of Terri’s family is doing.

This episode wasn’t a total loss.  Patrick McKenna gave a pretty good performance as Zack.  And I’ll admit that I did laugh when Detective Hargrove went from trying to arrest Zack to agreeing to invest in his scheme.  For the most part, though, this was an episode that didn’t add up to much.  Mr. T looked even more bored than usual.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.13 “Alone”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Highway to Heaven moved me to tears.

Episode 2.13 “Alone”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 8th, 1986)

Arnie (played by John Franklin, the head little baddie in the original version of Children of the Corn) is a developmentally challenged boy who ran away from home because his father was abusive.  Now, he lives in a box in an alley and his only companion is an adorable calico kitty that he’s named Thomas.  (Some, I know, will be tempted to point out that almost all calico cats are female but it should also be remembered that cats also don’t care what we name them as long as we remember to pet and feed them.)  On his birthday, he steals a muffin, a candle, and a can of tuna.  While Thomas eats, Arnie wishes that he could have just one friend.

*sniff*  Sorry, got something in my eye….

Suddenly, Jonathan and Mark are standing in front of him.  Jonathan introduces himself as an angel and says that he’s here to make Arnie’s wish come true.

Sorry, I’m getting teary-eyed here.

Jonathan and Mark have gotten a job as construction workers for a rancher named Morgan (Gerald Gordon).  Morgan’s son, Larry (Danny McMurphy), spends all of his time in bed because he never feels well enough to go outside.  There’s nothing physically wrong with Larry.  Instead, his illness is a result of his depression over his parents splitting up.

As you can probably guess, Arnie does meet Larry.  And they do become friends.  And Arnie does give his birthday wish to Larry so that Larry can be healthy and so his parents will get back together.  And yes, Morgan and Larry do end up adopting both Arnie and Thomas.

I’ll admit that I cried while watching this episode.  Make no mistake, there was a part of me that realized just how heavy-handed the episode was.  I knew I was being manipulated and occasionally, I did resent how blatant it all was.  But I still cried, because it was a sweet story and Thomas the Calico was such a sweet kitty.  It was manipulative (there’s that word again, I know) but the themes of the story — friendship, loneliness, sadness, and the joy of taking care of an animal — were all universal and the manner that they were dealt with was almost achingly sincere.  When Jonathan admonished a store owner for wanting to call the police just because Arnie stole some cat food to feed his only companion, it’s obvious that Landon was speaking from the heart.  This episode was the epitome of Highway to Heaven — unashamedly sentimental, not at all subtle, and far more effective than it perhaps had any right to be.