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Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.11 “The Sweetest Sting”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

Agck!  Bees!

Episode 2.11 “The Sweetest Sting”

(Dir by David Winning, originally aired on January 16th, 1989)

I have never been stung by a bee or a wasp.

I’m extremely lucky.  All of my sisters and all of my cousins have been stung once or twice.  My mom was stung multiple times when I was little.  But I have never once been stung.  I once had a wasp fly straight into my hair and I was able to shake it out without it stinging me.  I have had bees land on my bare arm and just sit there without stinging.  I once knocked a wasp nest off of a farm doorway and the wasps, while obviously angry, made no attempt to sting me in retaliation.  For whatever reasons, the wasps and the bees have decided not to mar my beautiful skin with any of their stingers and I appreciate them for that.

Of course, I’m also very scared that they might someday change their mind.  I have no idea what it feels like to be stung but I know it’s painful.  On a more serious note, I have no idea whether or not I’m allergic to bees or wasps.  I appreciate their kindness but I’m still terrified of their capriciousness.

That’s why this somewhat silly episode of Friday the 13th freaked me out.  I say silly because it was about McCabe (Art Hindle), a psycho beekeeper who kept all of his bees in a cursed hive.  Whenever he would unleash the bees, the cheap special effects were so bad that it would have made me laugh if not for the fact that I’m already scared enough of innocent bees.  Imagine how I feel about cursed ones!

The bees produced cursed honey that can be used to restore the youth of people who allow themselves to be stung by McCabe’s bees.  (Because they’re magic bees, they don’t die after stinging someone.  I always understood that stinging someone caused a bee to be ripped in half so I’m not sure how the magic works but whatever.  I actually kind of feel bad for bees now.)  However, the people who accept McCabe’s youth treatment have to have a constant supply of honey and McCabe needs a constant supply of dead bodies so that his clients can fake their own deaths.  So, McCabe orders his clients to kill if they want to remain young.

To be honest, the whole plot kind of feels like it was made up on the spot but the great Canadian character actor Art Hindle gives an amusingly over-the-top performance as McCabe.  McCabe is the type of villain who laughs whenever he’s thinking about doing something evil.  There’s nothing subtle about Hindle’s performance but it works in the contest of the episode’s overall absurdity.  The bees are obviously fake.  Art Hindle chews up every piece of scenery he can get his hands on.  The episode’s a lot of fun.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.16 “TV Turner”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, a documentary crew proclaims T.S. Turner to be the West’s greatest crime fighter.

Episode 3.16 “TV Turner”

(Dir by Patrick Loubert, originally aired on April 21st, 1990)

A Japanese television crew shows up at the Canadian police station and tells Detective Hargrove that they asked a computer for the name of the greatest crime fighter in North America.  The computer replied with “T.S. Turner,” so they have traveled to Canada to interview Turner.  The only catch is that they have no idea where Turner is and they don’t know anything about him.

Meanwhile, Turner is preparing to leave for his interview with the Japanese documentary team when …. wait a minute, I thought they didn’t know where to find Turner.  I thought they hadn’t even called Turner before arriving in Canada.  So, why is Turner getting ready to leave for his interview?  This is a confusing episode.

Anyway, an old friend of Turner’s asks him to help her track down her missing husband, who lost his job after he was framed for a theft at work.  Turner blows off the interview to search for him.  This means that the film crew instead interviews Hargrove and then Terri about Turner.  The film crew is disappointed to learn that Turner does not drink and he’s not a womanizer.  A random criminal (Phillip Jarrett) gives an interview about the time he was arrested by Turner but it turns out that he’s thinking of a different Turner.

Finally, Turner shows up at the station.  However, before he can do the interview, Terri’s latest client (Angelo RIzacos) grabs a gun and threatens to shoot his way to freedom.  By an amazing coincidence, it turns out that the client is also the missing husband!  Turner convinces the man to put down the gun by explaining that everyone now knows that he was framed for the theft.

(That said, the guy is still looking at serious jail time.  He threatened to shoot up a police station!)

The film crew decides not to interview Turner because he’s not exciting enough.  The end.

Weird episode.  I was expecting it to be a clip show but instead, it was just people talking about how Turner didn’t drink, have sex, or fight any supervillains.  I guess the idea was to show that Turner was a good man and that’s what made him a hero.  That’s a nice message but it also leads to Turner losing his chance to be the subject of a documentary.  Turner’s just too good for the world, I guess.

Let’s give some credit where credit is due.  After sleepwalking through most of season 3, Mr. T actually seemed to be invested in this episode and the scene where he talked the guy into putting down his gun was very nicely done and acted.  As an actor, Mr. T had zero range but he could be likably earnest and that’s certainly the case here.

Anyway, this was an odd episode, even by T and T standards.  There’s only five more to go!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.18 “To Bind The Wounds”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark invade people’s dreams.

Episode 2.18 “To Bind The Wounds”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on February 19th, 1986)

Timothy Charles (Eli Wallach) sits in a cemetery, the only person to show up for the burial of his son, Timothy Charles, Jr.  The younger Charles died nearly twenty years earlier, while serving as a helicopter pilot in Vietnam.  Only recently have his remains been returned to the U.S.A.

The elder Charles is himself a veteran and lives in an airplane graveyard that sits in the desert.  He served in World War II.  The United States won World War II and Timothy Charles was celebrated as a hero.  The United States lost Vietnam and, as a result, most people want to pretend like it never happened and ignore the sacrifice of men like Timothy Charles, Jr.

Jonathan and Mark show up at the funeral.  Though he doesn’t know them, the elder Timothy Charles is touched by their presence and invites them back to his airplane.  The elder Charles, bitter about how his son has been forgotten, wishes there was some way he could memorialize him.  Jonathan and Mark suggest setting up a scholarship.

Unfortunately, a scholarship requires money and none of the wealthy people in town are willing to contribute.  They all want to forget the trauma of the war.  So, Jonathan and Mark pop up in their dreams and show them what a hero Timothy Charles, Jr. (played by Moosie Drier, Jr.) truly was.  They agree to set up the scholarship.  At the announcement ceremony, the elder Charles gives a heartfelt speech thanking them.

Timothy Charles, Sr. returns to his airplane.  Suddenly, the plane is flying into heaven and his son is sitting beside him.  Awwwww!

As I mentioned two weeks ago, I’m binging Highway to Heaven while in an emotional state.  My father died in the early morning hours of August 19th and I’m still very much in mourning.  As a result, while the logical side of me can watch this show and realize that it’s shamelessly sentimental and manipulative, the emotional side of me doesn’t care.  Eli Wallach was a great actor who had a tendency to go a bit overboard.  There’s nothing subtle about his performance here.  And the ending, with father and son literally flying to Heaven, was absolutely shameless.  But dammit, it made me cry.

And, to be honest, this episode makes an important point.  The people in Timothy’s town are reluctant to honor him because he served in an unpopular war that America lost.  It’s similar to the attitude that a lot of people now seem to have to those who served in Afghanistan and Iraq.  One sees it in the relentless gaslighting about the disastrous withdraw from Afghanistan and the refusal to honor the 13 service members killed at Abbey Gate.  Instead of holding our leaders to account, the American people often seem to blame those who served.  Hopefully, someday, that will change.

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 1.11 “Malibu Holiday”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, an actress runs away with Scott.

Episode 1.11 “Malibu Holiday”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on December 20th, 1998)

Desperate to escape the paparazzi, world-famous movie star Jessie Sinclair (Ragan Wallake) ducks into the restaurant where Scott works.  (Does this place have a name?  I assume it does but I can’t remember it to save my life.)  Even after Jessie dyes her blonde hair brown, Scott still recognizes her.  However, he also promises not to let anyone know who she is.  Touched by Scott’s kindness (and seriously, when has Scott ever been this nice before?). Jessie spends the weekend with him.

Meanwhile, Jason and Stads want to make a quick $5,000 by taking a picture of Jessie for the tabloids.  While pretending not to know who Jessie actually is, they secretly snap a picture of Jessie with Scott.  However, when the publisher of the tabloid starts to press Jason and Stads for information on Scott, Jason and Stads realize that Jessie deserves her privacy.

It’s too late, though.  The paparazzi are on to Scott and Jessie.  At first, Jessie accuses Scott of selling her out but, eventually, Stads and Jason admit that they were the ones who took the picture.  That night, Jessie and Scott hang out at the beach before Jessie announces that she has to leave to go shoot another movie.  After Jessie leaves, Scott admits to Jason that his heart is breaking.

Awwwww!

This would be an okay episode if not for the fact that it reminded me way too much of that episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach made a bet that he could get a kiss from pop star Stevie.  Little did Zach suspect that Stevie was actually Miss Bliss’s houseguest, Colleen McMurphy.  Seriously, are there any episodes of Malibu CA that don’t feel as if they were recycled from leftover bits of Saved By The Bell, California Dreams, and Hang Time?   With each episode, it gets more and more difficult to ignore this show’s total lack of originality.

As for the b-plots, Tracy (who, as played by Priscilla Inga Taylor, is the only consistently amusing character on Malibu CA) hopes to be cast as a screaming girl in Jessie’s film.  Meanwhile, Murray takes it upon himself to screen all of Sam’s potential boyfriends because, as he explains it, Sam has terrible taste in men.  Considering that Sam dated Scott for two episodes, Murray has a point.

It’s kind of interesting how, when this show started, both Scott and Jason were supposed to be in love with Sam.  Now, Scott is dating random guest stars, Jason is dating Stads, and Sam rarely gets much to do on the show.  If anything Gina May (who played Sam) had more chemistry with Brandon Brooks (who played Murray) than she did with either of the show’s stars.  It’s just funny how things develop.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.15 “Mr. Swlabr”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Mister Who?

Episode 2.15 “Mr. Swlabr”

(Dir by Warner Shook, originally aired on January 28th, 1990)

11 year-old Roy Barton (Robert Oliveri) spends all of his time in the basement of his house, playing with his train set and making dinosaur figurines.  His mother (Kate McGregor-Stewart) is abusive.  His older sister (Danielle Ferland) is spoiled and self-centered.  Roy doesn’t have a friend in the world and has never gotten over his father abandoning the family when he was younger.

One day, Roy opens a box of cereal and finds a small dinosaur toy.  Roy puts the toy in water and it comes to life.  Mr. Swlabr (voiced by New York performance artist Rockets Redglare) says that he’ll be Roy’s friend and promises that he’ll never leave.  Awwwww!  Roy’s evil mother tries to drown Mr. Swlabr with a hose but the water just causes Mr. Swlabr to grow into an even bigger dinosaur.  Mr. Swlabar spits a bunch of green goo on Roy’s sister.  It doesn’t hurt her but it does convince her and her mother to do whatever Roy tells them to do.

This was an odd episode.  It played out like a particularly macabre fairy tale, with Roy finally getting a friend who was big enough to bully everyone who was previously bullying him.  It had its moments.  I teared up a bit when Roy begged Mr. Swlabr not to abandon him the way that his father did.  But, in the end, the hand puppet dinosaur was a bit too silly to be an effective monster.

Probably the most interesting thing about this episode was the casting of Rockets Redglare as the voice of Mr. Swlabr.  From the 1970s up until his death in 2001, Rockets Redglare was a fixture of the New York underground.  He was a comedian, a performance artist, and eventually a character actor.  He worked as a drug counselor while, at the same time, delivering drugs to people like Jean-Michel Basquiat and Sid Viscous.  He was reportedly the last known person to have seen Sid and his girlfriend Nancy Spungen alive and he was a suspect when Nancy was later found dead.  According to Phil Strongman’s Pretty Vacant: A History of Punk, Redglare later told his friends that he was the one who had murdered Nancy.  That said, musician Howie Pyro later said that Redglare was notorious for making up stories to get attention.  (For their part, the police focused their investigation on Sid Viscous, who they claimed confessed despite the fact that Viscous was also too drugged out to really remember much of anything.  The main lesson here: Stay away from the heroin.)  Redglare went on to become a bit of an underground celebrity, appearing in movies directed by Jim Jarmusch, Stee Buscemi, and Olive Stone.  (He played himself in Julian Schnabel’s Basquiat).  Redglare died at the age of 52, saying in his final interview that everything he did, he “did to excess.”  RIP, Mr. Swlabr.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.24 “That Old Gang of Mine/Love with a Skinny Stranger/Vicki and the Gambler”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Vicki learns how to gamble.

Episode 4.24 “That Old Gang of Mine/Love with a Skinny Stranger/Vicki and the Gambler”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 11th, 1981)

It’s an anniversary cruise!

Captain Stubing and Vicki are celebrating the anniversary of Vicki coming to live on the boat with her father.  Captain Stubing has already picked out the gift that he’s going to give Vicki, a beautiful and valuable pearl necklace.  As for Vicki, there’s a watch in the boat’s gift shop that she would love to give her father but she can’t afford it.  Then again, Vicki is the Captain’s daughter.  Can’t she just take whatever she wants?  I mean, who is going to snitch on the Captain’s daughter?  Add to that, it was only two weeks ago that the manager of the gift shop was juggling three lovers on one cuise.  Who is she to judge anything Vicki might do?

Admirably, Vicki is an honest person and does not want to just steal something for her father.  But when her father’s old friend, Wade Hubbard (Gene Barry), boards the ship, he shows Vicki that she can easily make enough money to buy the watch by betting on a horse race!  Wade, it turns out, is a compulsive gambler and Vicki soon falls under his influence.  Captain Stubing is not happy about that so Wade pretends to lose all of his money (and Vicki’s necklace!) in order to trick Vicki into not only hating him but also hating gambling.

You know, Wade and Captain Stubing could have just told Vicki not to gamble anymore.  Vicki seems like she’s pretty smart and level-headed so I’m sure she would have listened if Wade and the Captain had just told her that they didn’t want her placing bets as a minor.  Instead, Wade created an elaborate lie and basically traumatized Vicki for life.  That seems a bit extreme to me but, then again, I don’t have a gambling problem.

As for the other passengers, Patty Beller (Vicki Lawrence) is stunned when she discovers that her long-distance boyfriend, Phil Manning (Charles Siebert), has spent the last month at a fat farm and is now totally athletic and handsome.  Patty always took it for granted that Phil would only have eyes for her but suddenly, every other woman on the cruise appears to be trying to get his attention.  This story would have perhaps worked better if Patty hadn’t come across as being so self-centered.  Phil explains that he lost the weight because he was worried about his health and tired of people making fun of him.  To me, it seems like Phil should be applauded for his self-discipline and his desire to make a better life for himself.  Instead, Patty gets upset that Phil is taking care of himself.  Seriously, Phil — you can do better!

Finally, three old-time crooks (Jack Gilford, Jesse White, and Kaye Ballard) board the cruise and make plans to rob the safe.  That shouldn’t be too hard since Gopher is the person in charge of watching the safe.  However, the crooks are all elderly and out-of-touch with life in the swinging 80s.  The safecracker has gone deaf and needs someone else to listen as he turns the dial.  It’s all a bit silly but it was kind of a sweet story, largely due to the performances of Gilford, White, and Ballard.

The safecracker’s story aside, this episode of The Love Boat was a bit of a sour ride.  Between Wade lying to Vicki and Patty wishing that her boyfriend was at risk for heart disease, this just wasn’t a very likable cruise.  Hopefully, next week will be a bit more fashionable.  Considering that the upcoming episode guest stars Glorida Vanderbilt, Bob Mackie, and Halston, I imagine it will be.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.11 “Possessed”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Donna’s got a knife!

Episode 2.11 “Possessed”

(Dir by David W. Hagar, originally aired on February 2nd, 1997)

A notorious serial killer dies when a prison bus is struck by several cars.  His blood gets on several of the people present at the accident and, as a result, he starts possessing them person-by-person.  He inhabits a body, commits several murders, and, once his current body expires, he moves on to the next person.

For instance, lifeguard Donna DiMarco was on the scene of the accident and soon, she finds herself putting on sexy lingerie, grabbing a knife, and driving around in search of young hitchhikers to seduce and kill.  Oh no!  That’s not the Donna that we all know.  Fortunately, Mitch and Ryan realize what’s happening and Mitch is able to track Donna down before she kills her first hitchhiker.  The killer’s spirit flees Donna’s spirt and possesses its next victim.

Ray Reegun (Robert Ginty) is a cop who was one of the first people on the scene of the accident.  When he becomes possessed by the killer, he immediately heads down to Mitch’s office and kidnaps Ryan.  While Mitch tries to find them, Ray takes Ryan to an abandoned movie theater and tells her about all of the great movies that have premiered at the theater.

“Is this you or is this the killer?” Ryan asks.

It seems like a strange question to ask.  I mean, does it really matter?  Ray is possessed by a serial killer and is holding Ryan prisoner.  So, whether it’s Ray or the killer who is into the movies really doesn’t seem that important.  Bad people can like movies too, after all.  And Ray’s married so if he’s the one flirting with Ryan at the theater, that’s not a good thing.

Fear not, though.  Mitch is able to save both Ryan and Ray.  It’s left ambiguous as to whether or not the evil spirit has truly been defeated after it leaves Ray’s body.  The episode actually ends with Ryan and Mitch leaving to check on another person who was at the accident so who know?  We know that Mitch went back to being a lifeguard after the end of this season but we don’t know what happened to Ryan.  Maybe she’s still running around the country, trying to track down that spirit.

It’s an interesting idea.  I liked the idea of the spirit jumping from person-to-person and the idea of the spirit moving in the order of the people who arrived at the scene of the accident predates the Final Destination films.  The first half of the show, which featured Donna trying to kill that hitchhiker, was enjoyably absurd,  But the stuff with Ray and Ryan got bogged down with Ray giving that endless monologue in the theater.  Watching this, one gets the feeling that whoever wrote the episode lost intrest about halfway through.  Not even the presence of Robert Ginty can liven things up.

Oh well.  Next week — two Vikings come back to life and they’re mad!  Woo hoo!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.10 “A Very Strange Affair/The Sailor”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week’s episode is about angels and Flying Dutchmen.

Episode 5.10 “A Very Strange Affair/The Sailor”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on January 2nd, 1982)

This episode begins not with Mr. Roarke meeting the plane but instead with him heading out alone to the beach, where he meets a ghost ship that is being steered by Captain Hendrik Van Horton.  Captain Van Horton is the legendry Flying Dutchman, the sailor who cursed God when he failed to defeat the Spanish fleet and who is now cursed to sail the ocean until he finds a woman who not only loves him but who is “willing to sacrifice her life” for him.  Every seven years, Captain Van Horton is allowed to spend two days on dry land and he almost always comes to Fantasy Island.

And yes, this all sounds very intriguing and it is an interesting way to open this episode.  I’m so used to the stock footage of Roarke driving down to the docks that it’s always a bit jarring to see something different.  However, Captain Van Horton is also played by the reliably stiff (if likable) Peter Graves.  Graves’s deadpan and straight-forward acting style made him the ideal actor for certain roles, usually as a professional of some sort.  However, Graves’s rather stoic persona did not make him the best choice to play a tortured sea captain, cursed to sail on the ocean for an eternity.

As for his fantasy, the captain is lucky enough to be on the Island at the same time as Laura Myles (Florence Henderson), whose fantasy is to fall in love with an old-fashioned man’s man.  She falls for the Captain, despite the attempts of her ex-boyfriend, Bill (Brett Halsey), to win her back.  Unfortunately, the Captain loses his temper and punches the well-meaning Bill.  Bill is willing to forgive the Captain but Mr. Roarke explains that the Island police are not as forgiving.  (Doesn’t Mr. Roarke control the police?  It’s his Island!)  Captain Van Horton needs to marry Laura and then leave.

Captain Van Horton explains that he’s fallen in love with Laura but he can’t ask her to die for him.  Laura says that she would be willing to die for a man who she has known for a day and half.  Roarke then reveals that Laura doesn’t have to die.  She just has to be “willing to die.”  (Wow, what a silly curse!)  The Captain and Laura sail off together but you have to wonder how the Captain feels about discovering, after hundreds of years of wandering, that there was an easily exploitable loophole to the curse.

As for the other fantasy, Ron (Dick Smothers) needs some confidence so he’ll be able to talk notorious tightwad, J.D. Stoneman (Hans Conried) i,nto investing in an orphanage.  Roarke rings a bell and summons an angel, Miss Harbringer (Shelley Smith).  Miss Harbringer gives Ron a pep talk and even goes to talk to Stoneman herself.  Of course, Miss Harbringer’s real purpose is to make Ron’s wife, Elaine (Arlene Golonka), so jealous that Elaine will take over and encourage Ron to talk Stoneman into giving him the money.

Anyway, Miss Harbringer flirts with Stoneman and convinces him to invest in a good cause.  But she allows Ron and Elaine to believe that it was Ron’s powers of persuasion that convinced Stoneman to invest.  It’s kind of sad that Ron and Elaine forget about Miss Harbringer as soon as they get their money but Roarke says that’s the way it is for angels.  I don’t think that’s true, though.  I bet George Bailey never forgot Clarence.

(Atta boy, Clarence!)

Tattoo is not in this episode so it’s Julie’s turn to assist Mr. Roarke.  What’s odd is that the episode doesn’t even offer up any explanation as to where Tattoo has disappeared.  This episode was a bit on the blah side so it definitely could have used Tattoo.  A random llama shows up at the end of the show and I liked that.  Llamas are cute.  But otherwise, this was a forgettable trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.13 “Down Time”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch loses his car and Baker loses his wallet.

Episode 2.13 “Down Time”

(Dir by John Florea, aired on December 16th, 1978)

While chasing two female car thieves, Ponch crashes his motorcycle and sprains his finger.  Getraer is overjoyed because he can now require Ponch to take a few days off work.  Ponch is happy because he’s just moved into a new apartment and he wants to get to know his neighbor, Kim Balford (Randi Oakes).

Kim says she’s an aspiring actress but actually she’s the head of a ring of car thieves.  In fact, by an amazing coincidence, they’re the same car thieves that Ponch was chasing when he injured himself!  Kim sees that Ponch has a new car, a brown Firebird.  Ponch really loves that car.  Well, too bad!  Kim and her associates steal his car.

To Getraer’s disappointment, Ponch is soon spending his entire vacation at headquarters, pressuring people like Detective Bill Ross (Burr DeBenning) to find his car.  Detective Ross informs Ponch that he’ll probably never see his car again but Ponch is determined to get it back.

Baker, meanwhile, just want to find his wallet.  His misplaced it and he has no idea where it is.  Ponch is upset that Baker is more upset over losing all of his money and his ID than over Ponch losing his car.  Baker, realizing that this is CHiPs and Ponch therefore always comes first, apologizes to Ponch and agrees to set aside his own problems to help Ponch out.

Fortunately, Ponch and Baker do figure out that Kim is the one behind the car thefts.  It all leads to a chase through the streets of Los Angeles.  Kim and her two partners-in-crime are in one of those big trucks that are used to transports cars from one place to another.  (I can’t imagine driving one of those things.)  Since they’re off duty, Baker and Ponch have to make due with Baker’s pickup truck.  (Fortunately, Grossman shows up on a motorcycle so this episode doesn’t turn out like that weird season one episode where Baker and Ponch spent the entire episode in a patrol car.)  Kim is caught but, of course, Ponch’s beloved firebird is destroyed in the chase.

Good news, though!  Baker finds his wallet in his jacket.  Yay!  YOU GO, BAKER!

This episode was actually a lot of fun.  Watching it, you could just hear people in 1978 saying, “They steal cars? …. But, they’re women!”  Randi Oakes, who would later be a regular on the show as a member of the Highway Patrol, gives a wonderfully over-the-top performance as Kim.  As well, anyone watching should be able to relate to Getraer’s annoyance as he discovers that there’s no way get Ponch to stay home.  Best of all, with so much of the action taking place in Ponch’s swinging bachelor pad, this episode was pretty much a museum-quality exhibit of the late 70s.  Watching this episode was like stepping into a time machine.

It was fun!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.23 “Sons and Lovers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, the second season comes to a close with …. TRAGEDY!

Episode 2.23 “Sons and Lovers”

(Dir by John Nicolella, originally aired on May 9th, 1986)

The final episode of the second season Miami Vice opens with Crockett and Tubbs getting their cover blown for what seems like the 100th time.  Seriously, has there every been an episode featuring these two going undercover in which their cover has not been blown?  This time, they’re nearly executed by the drug dealers they were trying to arrest but, at the last minute, a sniper with a laser-guided sight shoots one of the dealers.  In the confusion, Sonny and Tubbs are able to subdue most of the other dealers and disarm a booby trap that would have blown up Switek and Zito.

When Crockett mentions that they would have been dead if not for the sniper with the laser pointer, Switek says, “None of our guys have a laser.”

(Why not, Switek!?  Are you guys trying to win the War on Drugs or not!?)

It turns out that the sniper worked for Angelina Medera (Phanie Napoli), the daughter of Calderone, the Colombian drug lord whose murder of Tubb’s brother led to Tubbs coming to Miami in the first place.  Though she is still bitter over Crockett killing her father, Angelina has come to Miami to introduce Tubbs to his son, infant Ricardo, and to warn Tubbs that her half-brother, Orlando (John Leguizamo, in his first screen role), has put a contact out on his life.

Tubbs is a father!  Tubbs is in love!  Well, as Crockett could warn him, there’s nothing worse than being happy when you’re a member of the Vice Squad because it’s guaranteed that your happiness will be ripped away from you in the most violent way possible.  Orlando comes to Miami and kidnaps Angelina and little Ricardo.  With the help of a corrupt DEA agent named Harrison (J.C. Quinn), Orlando tries to set Tubbs up.  Drawing Tubbs out to a pier where Angelina is bound in a car, Orlando plans to blow up his rival.  Tubbs, being the star of the show, does manage to survive being near the car when it explodes.  Angelina is not so lucky.  Tragically, Tubbs believes that his son was in the car as well.  (Actually, Orlando set little Ricardo back to Colombia.)  At Angelina’s funeral, Tubbs receives a letter from Orlando.  “I’ll be back!” it reads.

And so, season 2 ends!

The finale was a bit of a let down, largely because a good deal of the running time was devoted to flashbacks to remind us just who the Calerdones were in the first place.  As well, John Leguizamo is not exactly the most intimidating of actors and his performance as Orlando was a bit stiff and awkward.  (It makes sense when you consider that he was only 19 years old and making his debut on a hit television show.  Anyone would be nervous.)  Much like the Frank Zappa episode, it’s obvious that this episode was meant to launch a storyline that would be revisited in the future.  While Leguizamo would return, it would appear that this episode is the only one to feature Tubbs’s son.  So, I guess Tubbs will have to live the rest of his life thinking his childhood was blown up by a Colombian drug lord.

That’s dark!

That’s Miami Vice dark!

Despite the weak finale, I thought the second season of Miami Vice was a good one.  There were a few weak episodes but, for the most part, it was a strong and stylish season and one that continued to explore just why exactly the War on Drugs proved to be unwinnable.  Episodes like Out Where The Buses Don’t Run, Bushido, One Way Ticket, Little Miss Dangerous, and Trust Fund Pirates were all examples of Miami Vice at its cynical and surreal best.

Next week, we begin season 3 with a guest appearance by Liam Neeson!