Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.16 “A Song of Songs”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, not even the presence of the great James Earl Jones can save Highway to Heaven.

Episode 3.16 “A Song of Songs”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 21st, 1987)

Mark and Jonathan are driving out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for their next assignment.  Mark is annoyed.  He says he’s been driving for ten hours.  Personally, I think Mark has every right to be annoyed.  I’ve noticed that Jonathan never drives.  Are angels not allowed to drive?  Did he never learn how?  It seems a bit self-centered to make Mark do all the driving.

Eventually, Jonathan and Mark stop off at a roadhouse.  Mark order a huge amount of ribs.  Jonathan smiles, even though Mark is going to give himself a heart attack if he’s not careful.  By an amazing coincidence, an old friend of Mark’s is also at the roadhouse.  Gabe (James Earl Jones) is a blind jazz pianist.  He’s also this week’s assignment.

Jonathan and Mark are hired to work at a storefront church that is led by Eleanor (Rosalind Cash).  Eleanor is strict and demanding and when her daughter (Akosua Busia) wants to go off on her own and perform her own type of music, Eleanor accuses her of only caring about “the devil’s music.”  It turns out that Eleanor is also Gabe’s ex-girlfriend!  Eleanor was not always so strict.  Can Jonathan and Mark bring these two back together and also repair the relationship between Eleanor and her daughter?

Eh, this episode didn’t do much for me.  I hate to say that because James Earl Jones was one of our best actors and he’s definitely the strongest thing about this episode but overall, the plot was a bit too predictable and both Rosalind Cash and Akosua Busia gave such over-the-top performances that it was hard to take their storyline seriously.  This was Highway to Heaven at its most predictable and the episode didn’t even benefit from Michael Landon’s trademark earnestness.  It just fell flat.

Oh well, there’s always next week.  Maybe Mark will finally get a break from always having to do the driving!  I wouldn’t count on it, though.

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 2.5 “Off The Deep End”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

This week …. well, we’ll get to it in a minute.

Episode 2.5 “Off the Deep End”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on November 6th, 1999)

Well, this is embarrassing.  I sat down, ready to face my weekly chore of watching the next episode of Malibu CA, and I promptly discovered that the fifth episode of season two has never been upload to YouTube.

Now, to be honest, this isn’t exactly a tragedy.  I don’t particularly like this show and it’s not like my reviews of an obscure sitcom from the 90s are responsible for much of this site’s daily traffic.  It does bother me as a completist.  If I ever find a free copy of this episode, I’ll review it.  But, to be honest, I’m not going to spend that much time looking.

Here’s the plot summary, via the imdb:

Peter has been ignoring Scott’s swim meets and now only three are left before the Olympic trials. Fearing that he’s doing the same thing to Scott now that he did to him when he was younger, Peter now tries to get as involved as possible. He’s taking care of Scott’s diet, hiring a masseuse, and making Jason do all the chores.

It’s tempting to try to review this episode without even watching it.  I’ve seen enough of these Peter Engel-produced teen sitcoms that I can imagine almost everything that probably happens in the episode, from Scott getting angry at Peter for being overbearing to Peter apologizing for not having been there for Scott in the past to Jason coming up with some crazy scheme to try to get Murray to do all the chores for him.  I’m pretty sure all of this happened to someone on Saved By The Bell: The New Class as well.

But no, I have my ethics.  I’ll wait until I can actually watch the episode and I say that with the full knowledge that I may never see the episode.  And I’m kind of okay with that.

Monsters Will Return Next Week


Much as with my Love Boat reviews, I am preempting my review of the next episode Monsters until next week so that I can focus my energies on our upcoming St. Patrick’s Day/Kurt Russell’s birthday extravaganza.

Monsters, “our favorite show,” will return next week with a review of a Monsters take on A Christmas Carol.

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 11: The Day the Wolf Laughed (originally aired November 19th, 1966)


Episode 11 of Shane opens with a group of outlaws making their way across the valley after pulling off a lucrative robbery. Needing a couple of days to lay low and rest their horses, they decide to take over Sam Grafton’s bar to drink and blow off some steam. They reason it’s a safe place to stay since there doesn’t appear to be any law in the area. Their leader is Reno (J.D. Cannon), with Augie (Skip Homeier) as his right-hand man, Grant (Daniel J. Travanti) as his enforcer, and a couple of others for good measure. Shane (David Carradine) and Marian (Jill Ireland) happen to be shopping in Sam’s general store when Reno and his men come into the bar. They can hear them breaking bottles and bullying Sam around in the next room. Sam comes into the general store and asks his employee Ben (Owen Bush) to ride out to Rufe Ryker’s ranch and ask him if he will come help with these guys. Soon the outlaws walk into the general store, where Shane and Reno immediately recognize each other. It seems the two gunslingers grew up together under the tutelage of an old man they called “The Wolf,” who taught them everything they know. Because Shane knows how skilled and dangerous Reno is, he asks Sam to let them stay for the next couple of days, and Reno agrees to pay Sam well for his trouble. Sam reluctantly agrees and Shane and Marian head back to the ranch. 

A little later Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed) and his men ride into town and enter Sam’s bar. Reno gets the drop on them and sends them back out with their tails between their legs. They regroup back at Ryker’s ranch and decide to go back to town and try force the outlaws out of the bar. On the way, Ryker stops off at the Starett’s ranch to try to convince Shane to help. Shane tells Ryker that the best thing he can do is leave Reno and his men alone and wait for them to leave in a couple of days. With his pride hurt, Ryker is in no mood for listening and heads to town anyway. When the shooting starts, Ryker and his men are caught in a deadly crossfire. Trying to retreat, Ryker is shot and severely injured by Reno. While Ryker tries to recover, his men decide they are going to stake out the bar so they can be in position to kill Reno and his men when they try to leave. Feeling trapped, Reno instructs a couple of his guys to go to the nearest ranch and get a hostage to help them with their escape. When the guys grab a local girl named Shirley and Marian, who was in the area looking for their cow Katrina at the same time, Shane finally decides to enter the fight against Reno. Their old mentor “The Wolf” always predicted that their relationship would end with one of them killing the other. It looks like he just may be right. 

“The Day the Wolf Laughed” is my favorite episode of the TV series SHANE so far, as it really leans into Shane’s skills as a gunfighter and pits him against a man in Reno who’s every bit as skilled. When the two men first see each other in Sam’s general store you can tell that they really do respect each other. Reno goes so far as to tell Marian that “you have a good man. He’ll fight for you.” As soon as you hear those lines, you know Shane will end up having to prove those words to be true. Even though Shane spends most of the episode trying to convince other people that they just need to leave Reno alone, he doesn’t hesitate to take matters into his own hands the moment Marian is put in danger. This is the first episode of the series where Shane really lives up to the reputation that is always being hinted at in the series, and I loved it! 

Episode 11 is also elevated by its game cast of guest stars. J.D. Cannon (DEATH WISH II) is an especially strong adversary for Shane. He can be extremely cold blooded, but he’s also respectful, somewhat likable, and you believe that his word means something. You almost hate it when the two end up squaring off at the end. Daniel J. Travanti (HILL STREET BLUES), with a thick mustache, is quite intimidating as the enforcer of the gang. He seems quiet and laid back until he’s called upon by Reno. His countenance then completely changes, and you don’t really want to be on the other side of his gun at that point in time. It was also nice seeing Skip Homeier show up as Reno’s right-hand man, Augie. Homeier appeared in the excellent 1957 Budd Boetticher/Randolph Scott western THE TALL T, and he provides good support here as well. As far as the main cast, David Carradine and Bert Freed take center stage in this episode, with both men doing a great job. Freed, in particular, has created a strong, complex character in Ryker over the course of the first 11 episodes, and I’ve actually grown to like him.

Overall, for a fan of badass western action, this episode was right down my alley. Shane and Marian may not have shared any long, lustful looks, but Shane proves his love by putting his life on the line for her against Reno’s gang. We only have 6 more episodes to go, and it will be fun to see where we go from here.  

The Love Boat Will Return Next Week


Hi, everyone!  I’ve been doing weekly reviews of The Love Boat for a while.  I really enjoying the series but I’m going to have to hold off on posting my next review until next week.  That’s because the next episode is a two-hour musical spectacular and, as I’m busy getting things set up for our big St. Patrick’s Day/Kurt Russell’s birthday celebration on the 17th, I’m not going to have time to watch the whole thing until next week.

So, The Love Boat is preempted this week but it will return next week!  We’ll set sail then!

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.9 “Moving Target”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Eh, who cares?

Episode 1.9 “Moving Target”

(Dir by Mickey Dolenz. originally aired on April 27th, 1996)

When TC’s former lover, ex-model Rebecca Reynard (Jacqueline Collen), is nearly shot by a mysterious gunman, TC takes it upon himself to serve as her bodyguard.  Chris rolls her eyes because that’s how Chris reacts to every situation.  We’re nine episodes in and Chris still doesn’t really have a personality beyond being perpetually annoyed.  To the surprise of no one, Rebecca turns out to be hiding some deadly secrets of her own and TC comes to realize that his former and current lover is actually a stone cold sociopath.  This is one of those traumatic developments that will probably never be mentioned again.

(I thought TC had a girlfriend.  She was present in the pilot but has never been heard from since.)

Meanwhile, former boxer Victor returns to the ring to help Palermo win a bet against a smarmy lifeguard.  The boxing storyline — which features Victor facing off against the one opponent who beat him during his previous pugilist career — was actually interesting.  Too bad the show ended without actually revealing who won the big fight.  I think we were supposed to be satisfied with the fact that Victor found the confidence necessary to step back into the ring.  No, Pacific Blue.  You haven’t earned the right to end on a note of ambiguity.  Not yet.

This episode was directed by former Monkee Mickey Dolenz.  Unfortunately, not even a Monkee can make cops on bikes look cool.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.8 “The Kleptomaniac/Thank God I’m A Country Girl”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, we’re reminded that Fantasy Island is apparently the country music capitol of the world.

Episode 6.8 “The Kleptomaniac/Thank God I’m A Country Girl”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 11th, 1982)

Fred Simpson (Sherman Hemsley) is a kleptomaniac.  Whenever he sees anything shiny, he hears a bong in his head, explosions occur behind his eyes, and he has to steal it.  He always returns what he steals and pays back his friends but it’s still ruining his life.  No one trusts him.  He comes to Fantasy Island looking to be cured.  Mr. Roarke assigns Tattoo to keep an eye on Fred on the Island.  Unfortunately, Fred is still driven to steal an expensive necklace from courier Emily Carlisle (Roxie Roker).  Fred and Tattoo end up in jail!  Poor Tattoo!

(Seriously, what did Roarke think would happen when he gave that assignment to Tattoo?)

Now, to be honest, I’m not sure that Fred actually got his fantasy.  He and Emily do fall in love and he leaves the Island with her but I’m not sure his kleptomania was cured.  Maybe Emily will provide whatever was missing from his life that caused him to steal.  This episode is somewhat progressive in that acknowledges that kleptomania is an uncontrollable impulse, one that is usually linked to trauma.  (After my parents got divorced, I went through a phase of regularly skipping school so I could shoplift makeup from Target.  It was probably a cry for help on my part, though it just seemed like an adrenaline rush at the time.)  Still, what happens if Fred and Emily break up?  Fred’s got a serious problem and I hate to think that he spent all that money to come to Fantasy Island just so he could go home and get tossed in prison.

Meanwhile, Loretta Wentworth (Loretta Lynn) works at the local Fantasy Island diner.  Lorraine Wentworth (Heather Locklear), the daughter that Loretta gave up for adoption years ago, is coming to the Island to meet her mother for the first time.  Loretta’s fantasy is to be rich for the weekend.  Roarke gives her a nice house and a bunch of servants.  Lorraine is impressed until her jerk of a fiancé (Ted McGinley) tries to put the moves on Loretta.  In the end, things work out, of course.  Lorraine and Loretta grow close.  Loretta and her friends board a bus and say they’re going to Nashville so that Loretta can pursue her country music career.  How is anyone going to drive from Fantasy Island to Nashville?  There’s a big old ocean in the way.

This episode really didn’t do much for me, despite the presence of Heather Locklear and Ted McGinley.  It was nice to see Tattoo get involved in someone’s fantasy and Roarke got to give a speech about the true meaning of love but neither fantasy really worked for me.  Loretta Lynn was a great singer but a very stiff actress.  This trip to the Island was not as memorable as it could have been.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.12 “Destruction Derby”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Baker and Ponch — but mostly Ponch — get a chance to shine this episode.

Episode 3.12 “Destruction Derby”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

Ponch and Baker are working undercover!

That’s …. odd.  Aren’t they just members of the Highway Patrol?  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I know that being a member of the Highway Patrol isn’t easy and I don’t mean to imply that they’re not doing an important job.  But it just seems like undercover work would be something that you would give to a detective.  It seems like you would need some sort of special training to do that. For a show that, in the past, has pretty much taken a day-in-the-life approach to its stories, a sudden undercover episode just feels weird.

Ponch and Baker are working at the local demolition derby, trying to uncover a drug ring that…. I don’t know.  I guess people who sell drugs enjoy demolition derbys.  To be honest, I get the feeling that someone in production said, “Let’s shoot a bunch of demolition derby footage and then we’ll just make up something stupid to justify it.”  When it comes to the derby, Baker is working as a member of the pit crew and, of course, Ponch is the one driving the car.  And, of course, Ponch turns out to be a natural because there’s nothing that Ponch can’t master.  Ponch also falls for the only driver who can beat him, the mysterious Billy Wakefield (Angel Tompkins).  This episode is from the 70s so, of course, there’s a scene where she takes off her helmet, her long blonde hair falls across her back, and I guess everyone at home is supposed to go, “A woman race car driver!?  What is this madness!?”

Baker is not totally wasted in this episode.  He gets to save Ponch’s life when the bad guys attempt to booby trap Ponch’s car.  He also gets to play tennis with Getraer and Grossman.  This episode may feature Ponch and Baker going undercover but it seems like the real plot is just Baker and Ponch doing fun California things.  This episode basically is a commercial for the state.  Look! the episode says, Tennis!  Handball!  Demolition Derbies!  Erik Estrada!  We’ve got it all!

Erik Estrada can be seen wearing a wrist brace in this episode, which I assume is a lingering result of the accident that he’s spent the last few episodes recovering from.  I make a lot of jokes about Estrada but, from watching the last few accidents, it is obvious that he was pretty seriously injured in that stunt-gone-wrong.  That, while recovering, he appeared on camera at all seems worthy of respect.  A major theme of this episode seems to be that Ponch is back and Baker, after having the lead role for a few episodes, in once again back to being a supporting player.  Thank you for your service, Larry Wilcox.

Anyway, this episode featured a lot of fast cars and a lot of crashes so I liked it.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.20 “By Hooker by Crook”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Sonny falls for a madame.

Episode 3.20 “By Hooker by Crook”

(Dir by Don Johnson, originally aired on March 20th, 1987)

Here I am, halfway through the third season of Miami Vice and it still amuses the Heck out of me how shocked Crockett and Tubbs are whenever their cover gets blown.

As far as  I can tell, neither Crockett nor Tubbs make much of an effort at maintaining their cover, beyond using the names Burnett and Cooper.  (Tubbs occasionally uses a fake Jamaican accent.)  They dress exactly the same as cops as they do when they’re criminals.  They hang out, in public, with the other members of the Vice Squad.  They occasionally respond to “all unit” calls, which means that anyone in the area at the time will recognize them as being cops.  Add to that, Crockett is supposedly a minor Florida celebrity, a former football star who went to Vietnam.  In short, these two have the worst covers ever but they’re still stunned when the criminals see through their “Burnett and Cooper” identities …. even though it happens in every episode!

This time, it’s George Takei, playing a viscous crime lord, who sees through their cover and orders his men to attack.  It leads to a shoot-out, much of which is filmed in slow motion.  It would be pretty exciting and dramatic, except for the fact that one of Takei’s henchmen is played Captain Lou Albano, the rubber band-wearing wrestler.  It also doesn’t help that Takei is …. well, he’s Takei.  He camps up his villain role to such an extent that it’s impossible to take him seriously as any sort of threat.  Even though he orders his men to kill an escort played by Vanity, he still comes across as being flamboyant, eccentric old George.

This episode was directed by Don Johnson and, as often happens when a cast member first tries his hand at directing, it’s filled with shots that are supposed to make you go, “Hey, this guy’s got a vision!”  The slow motion gunfight is an example of this.  An extended scene that is filmed with a fish-eyed lens (the better to represent Izzy’s point of view as he looks through a peephole) is another example.  A sex scene between Crockett and a madame who is played by Melanie Griffith is filmed in soft focus and lit in such a way that it looks like the entire set is about to burst into flame from the heat.  Johnson the director seems to be saying, “Dang, Don Johnson’s hot!”

At the time of this episode, Melanie Griffith was divorced from Don Johnson and married to Steve Bauer.  Later, she would divorce Bauer and remarry Johnson.  Johnson and Griffith do have amazing chemistry in this episode so kudos to Johnson the Director for making a good casting choice.  Johnson the actor owes him one.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi High 4.13 “Testing, One, Two Three”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1989 to 1991!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, everyone faces a test.

Episode 4.13 “Testing, One, Two, Three”

(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on January 30th, 1990)

After being absent for the past few episodes, Joey and Caitlin are finally the center of this week’s story.  Both of them are struggling.  Joey, despite all of his efforts to study and pay attention in class, is still getting bad grades.  The school counselor thinks that Joey has dysgraphia, a learning disability that makes it difficult for him to express his thoughts in an organized fashion.  Caitlin, meanwhile, is going to have to appear in court as a result of getting arrested while vandalizing that nuclear plant.

A few thoughts:

  • Claude — or “Clode” as he wants to be called — once again shows himself to be the worst ever when he says he’s not sure if he can go to court with Caitlin.  Claude is the one who convincing Caitlin to vandalize the plant in the first place and, when the cops showed up, he abandoned her.  Big-time rebel Claude actually asks his parents for permission to skip school to go to Caitlin’s court date.  They say no, just as Claude knew they would.  What a putz!
  • “My parents aren’t liberal like yours!” Claude whines to Caitlin.
  • Maya actually puts off a doctor’s appointment so she can go to Caitlin’s medical appointment!  Good for you, Maya …. except, doctor’s appointments can kind of be important, too.
  • Actually, now that I think about it, why should anyone be going to court with Caitlin?  Caitlin made the decision to spray paint her stupid slogans on her own.  Claude shouldn’t have abandoned her but Caitlin shouldn’t have been there in the first place.  Caitlin acts as if Claude should take her punishment for her but actually, Claude being a coward doesn’t mean that Caitlin is somehow absolved.  She knew she could get in trouble when she climbed over that fence.
  • This episode is a good example of why Caitlin drives a lot of people crazy.  Caitlin has a problem and everyone else is expected to drop everything and spend all of their time worrying about it.
  • Joey, meanwhile, has a real problem to deal with.  He feels stupid.  He’s not dumb, not at all.  But his grades remain stubbornly bad and he’s just been told that he has a scary-sounding “condition” and that he’s going to have to take a special class to learn how to function.  And yes, there’s no shame in having a learning disability.  I have ADHD so when Joey talked about struggling to organize his thoughts, I knew exactly what he was saying.  But, when you’re the one hearing the words “learning disability,” it’s scary!  My heart went out to Joey in this episode.
  • Evil bully Dwayne made an appearance, harassing Joey after he overhears Joey describing him as being a gorilla.  Joey and Dwayne get into yet another fight.  Joey gets detention.  Dwayne gets suspended.
  • Caitlin is also in detention, as a result of slapping Claude.  Caitlin and Joey are still not getting along but we know that’s going to change.
  • Finally, there was one other subplot.  The students in a difficult biology class were excited to learn that Alex (John Ioannou) had an advanced copy of the big test.  Alex’s older brother saved all of his old tests.  Alex gives Tessa a copy of the test but makes her promise not to let anyone know.  Tessa lets everyone know.  Everyone in the class passes!  They don’t get caught.  But the teacher says its obvious that the test was too easy so he decides to toss out the results and give everyone a new test …. WHAT!?  CAN HE DO THAT!?  What the heck, Canada!?
  • Incidentally, I never would have passed Algebra II if my sister hadn’t saved all of her tests.  Thank you, Erin Nicole!

And that’s it for the week.  Remember — in yourself, you must believe!