Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Tattoo finally gets his chance to be in charge!
Episode 2.10 “The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo”
(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 18th, 1978)
This week’s episode opens with Tattoo in a very good mood. Apparently, Mr. Roarke has promised Tattoo that Tattoo will someday get a chance to be in charge of a guest’s fantasy and Tattoo has decided that he is now ready to take on that responsibility! As is typical of this show, Roarke responds to Tattoo’s enthusiasm by pretending to not remember what Tattoo is talking about. Tattoo not only has to explain their deal but he literally has to beg Roarke to uphold his part of the bargain. Roarke smiles at Tattoo’s excitement and says, in a tone that suggests the opposite, “I can hardly wait.”
(In many ways, Tattoo has the same relationship with Roarke that Nick Nack had with Scaramanga in The Man With The GoldenGun. There’s a lot of passive-aggressive resentment to be found in every exchange between the two.)
Tattoo is in charge of granting the fantasies of Dee Dee (Barbi Benton) and near-sighted Evelyn Kastenbaum (Connie Stevens). Dee Dee and Evelyn are Vegas showgirls who want to marry millionaires. Tattoo hires two lounge singers, Jack (Troy Donahue) and Bernie (Fred Grandy), and instructs them to write a Broadway musical that will star Dee Dee and Evelyn. Investors will come to the Island to see about investing in the show and surely, two of them will fall in love with Dee Dee and Evelyn!
It sounds like a great plan! Way to go, Tattoo!
The only problem is that Dee Dee and Evelyn end up falling in love with Jack and Bernie. In fact, during the musical’s big wedding number, the four of them are married by a minister who, Roarke explains, has always had a fantasy about appearing in a musical. Tattoo is upset. He says that he failed to grant the girls their fantasies. But then Roarke explains that Bernie and Jack are actually millionaire playwrights who came to the island to fulfill their fantasy of writing a musical. It all works out, even if it does appear that Tattoo was actually never really in charge of the fantasy.
While this is going on, Dr. John Carlson (Bert Convy) has a fantasy about meeting with a big financial backer and getting the money to build a hospital that will be named after himself. However, while trying to drive to the meeting, John comes across a Fantasy Islander (Nancy Kwan) who is in the middle of a very difficult labor. It turns out that her village only has one doctor and he’s away. To save her life, Dr. Carlson will not only have to miss his meeting but he will also have to rediscover the joy of taking care of patients on a one-on-one basis.
(Why did all of the native Fantasy Islanders live in remote villages with so few modern resources? Did Mr. Roarke just not care about them?)
Oh no, Dr. Carlson didn’t get his fantasy! But don’t worry. It turns out that Dr. Carlson’s wife (Tasha Noble) had a fantasy that the doctor would finally rediscover his love for medicine and that their marriage would improve. So, at least someone got what they wanted!
Dr. Carlson’s fantasy was fairly predictable but the stuff with the showgirls, the playwrights, and the Broadway show was actually pretty cute. It was definitely silly but Fantasy Island is at its best when its silly. Plus, Mr. Tattoo finally got his fantasy. Yay!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Hang time! Today, we go from the Rockies to a basketball camp. Sorry, Deering High, your team has abandoned you.
Episode 3.19 “Love on the Rockies”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 15th, 1997)
The team’s rather bizarre ski vacation continues in this episode. Two episodes ago, it was established that the team was invited to the ski lodge by Mary Beth’s parents so that they could help her celebrate her birthday. Well, the birthday has been celebrated and Mary Beth’s parents haven’t been seen for a while so why is the team still at the lodge? And why is Coach Fuller there?
While Coach Fuller takes the boys on the team skiing, Julie and Mary Beth head off to the mall. However, as they’re walking through the ski lodge, they’re approached by a guy named Paul. It turns out that, even though he look like he’s about 40, Paul is supposed to be Julie’s ex-boyfriend! Apparently, Julie and Paul went out over the summer. Paul wants to have dinner with Julie but Julie explains that she’s up at the lodge with her current boyfriend, Michael. Paul says okay and walks off and then Julie mentions that Michael is going to be so surprised to hear that she ran into Paul. Mary Beth tells Julie to not tell Michael about seeing Paul. That’s actually pretty good advice. Then again, Julie goes through a dozen boyfriends per season so I’m surprised she can step outside of the house without running into one of them so really, Michael should be used Julie’s ex-boyfriends popping up. On Hang Time, the only thing that gets passed around more than a basketball is Julie.
Julie attempts to keep Michael from meeting Paul. Unfortunately, as soon as Michael is away from Julie and hanging out with Vince, Paul walks by, overhears their conversation, and starts to tell them about how he’s been in love with a girl since the summer and he’s determined to win her back. Michael wishes him the best of luck. At this point, I’m finding it odd that no one on the team met Paul while he was dating Julie. I assume that Paul also lives in Indiana and probably in the same general area as Julie. How big is Deering supposed to be? Anyway, Paul then reveals that Julie is the girl and Michael freaks out, both because Julie didn’t tell him but also because he thinks she might still like Paul.
After an unsuccessful attempt to befriend Paul and keep him too occupied to flirt with Julie, Michael and Vince end up watching through a hotel room window while Julie and Paul speak. Julie tells Paul that she loves Michael and Paul apologizes for coming on too strong and he asks if they can still be friends. Julie hugs Paul. The audience says, “Awwww!” Unfortunately, since Michael and Vince can’t hear what’s being said, they just see Julie hugging Paul and they decide…. give me a minute while I scream in frustration …. that Julie actually does like Paul. This is the type of episode that I hate, where all of the misunderstandings could have been avoided by everyone not being an idiot.
Michael confronts Julie. Julie breaks up with Michael, angry that he doesn’t trust her despite all of the time that she previously spent lying to him about Paul. Luckily, there’s a “Snow Ball Dance” at the Lodge so Michael and Julie get back together, despite having next to zero romantic chemistry.
In the B-plot, Danny, Teddy, and Kristy rescue a millionaire who has had a skiing accident. They think they’re going to get a big reward. They don’t.
Episode 3.20 “Fuller’s Camp”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 15th, 1997)
The ski vacation is over but now, everyone’s working as a camp counselor at Coach Fuller’s Basketball Camp!
Wait, what?
I mean, I guess I can buy that Coach Fuller has a camp. Supposedly, he was a pro NBA player before he became a coach and he does appear to have some money lying around. And we’ve already seen that he’s willing to help young kids improve their basketball game. But why are the Deering Tornadoes the counselors? Are they getting paid for it or did Fuller tell them they had to do it? And why are Kristy and Mary Beth working as counselors, despite the fact that neither one of them plays basketball? It’s confusing.
Anyway, this episode was all about how Julie is the worst person in Indiana. When she meets the only girl who is enrolled at the camp, Julie puts way too much pressure on her and tries to turn her into a miniature version of Julie. Julie puts so much pressure on Mini-Julie that Mini-Julie nearly quits the camp. With Michael’s help, Julie sees the error of her ways and Mini-Julie agrees to stick around.
As far as the B-plots go, Danny is jealous of how much the campers love Teddy. Vince is upset to discover that one of the campers has a crush on Mary Beth. As for me, I’m just hoping that Coach Fuller’s basketball camp was a one-episode storyline because I really don’t want to have to spend multiple episodes listening to Julie pressure Mini-Julie. Seriously, why aren’t these people in school!?
I will say that, in theory, Fuller having a basketball camp does make more sense than everyone hanging out in Aspen. But, this episode really suffers without the high school. I mean, Hang Time is about a high school basketball team and the knowledge that the members of the team will always treasure their high school memories. If you take the school out of Hang Time, the show loses its focus. Hopefully, next week, we’ll be back in Deering.
Like most people, I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. Unfortunately, most of the commercials didn’t do much for me this year. On the one hand, I’m glad that we didn’t have to sit through any of the politically-themed commercials that dominated both the Trump Years and the COVID lockdowns. On the other hand, it was still hard not to feel like the advertisers were holding back this year, as if they’re still not quite sure if the proper approach to the current era is to be snarky or earnest. I guess such insecurity is understandable when there’s reports of UFOs flying over Canada and Alaska. I mean, who knows who will be in charge of this planet when we all wake up tomorrow?
That said, there were a few commercials that stood out to me. And here they are!
6. Paramount Plus — Stallone Face
Hey, it made me laugh!
5. Squarespace — The Singularity
Adam Driver’s in it! Who doesn’t like Adam Driver?
4. Michelob Ultra — New Members Day
I don’t drink but I am starting to become partial to golf. I just like the courses.
3. GM x Netflix — Why Not An EV?
I would rather die than get an electric vehicle but this was a cute commercial.
2. Dunkin’ Donuts — Drive-In
Awwwww! Jennifer and Ben are so cute together and it’s nice to see that Ben has a sense of humor about being a meme.
Bud Light Hold — Easy To Drink, Easy To Enjoy
I don’t drink but it doesn’t matter. We all know this commercial isn’t for beer. This is a commercial for dancing in your living room. Plus, after The Spectacular Now, Whiplash, and Top Gun: Maverick, it’s nice to see Miles Teller in a good mood.
I had a cold for most of this week. Actually, I still do. Somehow, this did not lead to me watching more TV than usual.
Here’s some thoughts on what I did watch this week!
Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)
It’s Valentine’s Day and we all totally know that Janine and Gregory totally belong together. The show wasn’t particularly subtle about it as Maurice gave Janine an empty bag while Gregory’s girlfriend was downright rude about Gregory’s present! While this was going on, Ava was discovering the joy of learning and Jacob was teaching black history. All in all, it was a good episode. I always worry that Abbott Elementary is going to be overshadowed by the whole Office-style mockumentary format but the show has definitely established its own identity.
The Bachelor (Monday Night, ABC)
Good Lord, Zach is boring. I think that’s going to be my review of every episode this season.
Future Quest was a show that aired on PBS in 1994. Hosted by Jeff Goldblum, it took a look at the “future.” I watched the first episode on Saturday morning with Jeff and our friend Pat McCurry. It was full of people talking about what they expected the 21st Century would be like and amazingly, they weren’t that far off. Quite a few of them predicted that we would eventually end up watching movies on our phone, for instance. Only one person said that email’s popularity would fade and people would go back to hand-written letters. Sadly, an even larger group of people thought that the future would usher in an era of peace as we moved away from geographic conflicts, political unrest, and terrorism. With the benefit of hindsight, it was interesting to see what people got right and what people got wrong. And, of course, Jeff Goldblum was totally charming.
I was not at all surprised when Alex won this season, as he was clearly not only the best chef but the best leader as well. Still, it was very emotionally satisfying to see him walk through that door. Alex was one of the many business owners to have their lives upended by the COVID lockdowns. From the minute this latest season began, he just seemed destined to win. It just felt right,
I watched two episodes of this old entertainment digest on Friday night. Both of the episodes were from 1990. The first one was a profile of the band, The Art of Noise, which I liked quite a bit. The second was a look at some films that were coming out that weekend. None of the films looked particularly memorable.
South Park (Comedy Central)
South Park is back. Cupid Ye not only satirized Kanye West but it also showed why his rantings are so dangerous. At a time when so many people are still treating Kanye West like he’s just some sort of kooky eccentric as opposed to someone using his huge platform to spread destructive conspiracies, South Park has more guts than almost every other show on television combined.
Stolen Youth (Hulu)
I watched this creepy documentary on Saturday morning. A middle-aged man named Larry Ray stayed with his daughter at Sarah Lawrence College and started a sex cult! The documentary featured interviews with some of the students who fell under his malevolent sway. As opposed to the unlikable people in The Vow, the interviewees in Stolen Youth were all sympathetic victims who were preyed upon by someone who knew how to take advantage of their naivety.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Season 3 comes to an end!
Episode 3.16 “The Treasure of PCH”
(dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 31st, 1994)
The Dreams have turned into a reggae band!
At least, that’s the impression that one gets from the opening of The Treasure of PCH, which finds the Dreams performing on a pier at night as a part of the On The Pier Presents festival. The song’s beat has a reggae feel and it actually sounds pretty nice until the very white Mark starts to sing with what I think is meant to be a slight attempt at a Jamaican accent about how someday “you might need a friend when you least expect it.” Watching and, in some cases, re-watching these shows, I now realize that, musically, the Dreams actually had a pretty good sound but they were always tripped up by their simplistic lyrics. “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there….” I mean, if you want to sound like David Hasselhoff, that’s fine but it’s still a bit odd to watch the pier crowd act as if these lyrics couldn’t have been written by a computer program. In fact, maybe they were. Was AI around in 1994?
Anyway, the Dreams are totally excited because the Concert on the Pier promoter pays them a thousand dollars. “We’ve never gotten that much before!” Sam says but actually, I remember them getting paid that much during both the first and the second seasons. Lorena is worried that the Dreams are getting greedy, which is an easy thing to worry about when you’re already rich and have nice hair. Jake says that the money won’t change the Dreams. Lorena and Jake decide to test that idea by convincing the Dreams that there’s a fortune hidden at Sharky’s!
Fortunately, it only takes one forged letter to trick the Dreams. (As a group, the Dreams appear to have lost several IQ points when Matt Garrison moved away.) At first, everyone works together but soon, the Dreams are getting paranoid and vindictive. Lorena was right. Yay! Take that, Jake! However, Jake and Lorena don’t give their plan enough thought and the Dreams — as stupid as they’ve become — still eventually figure out that it doesn’t make any sense that an eccentric oldster would have hidden his fortune at Sharky’s. So, they turn the tables and convince Jake and Lorena that there’s a bunch of diamonds hidden at …. Sharky’s. Is there no other place to eat in California?
“DIAMONDS!” Jake yells, in a rare moment of the normally laid back Jay Anthony Franke overacting.
This was a dumb episode but it was also oddly likable. Sly running around and thinking to himself, “Gotta find the money …. gotta find the money….” made me laugh. For that matter, so did Tony literally picking up Tiffani when she tried to run off with one of the clues. The cast had enough chemistry that they were even able to pull off the show’s dumbest jokes. Of course, the best thing about this episode is that my favorite character, Lorena, was proven to be correct. Go Lorena!
Episode 3.17 “Tiffani’s Gold”
(dir by, originally aired on January 7th, 1995)
Every Peter Engel-produced sitcom had to have at least one episode where the least likely character got hooked on drugs, had a public meltdown, and then somehow got off drugs with a minimum amount of difficulty. The most famous of these episode was the infamous episode of Saved By The Bell, where Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills and sang, “I’m so excited!”
When it came time for California Dreams to deal with drug addiction, the end result was Tiffani’s Gold. In this episode, Tiffani is suddenly a star volleyball player who has a chance to make the national team and bring home a gold medal. Tiffani, who up until this point has been portrayed as a mellow hippie, is suddenly determined to win and the Dreams want her to win as well. Unfortunately, Tiffani is struggling to keep up with the other girls trying out for the team. So, she convinces Sly to help her get some …. dramatic music cue …. steroids!
You know what this means. Tiffani makes the team but she also starts to have mood swings and violent outbursts. Eventually, she makes a scene at Sharky’s and realizes that she has to stop taking drugs. What makes this standard anti-drug episode memorable is just how unconvincing Kelly Packard is as a drug addict. Don’t get me wrong. She tries really, really hard to capture Tiffani’s anger and moodiness. In fact, she tries too hard. Scenes like the one in which Tiffani throws Sly against a locker are meant to be shocking but they actually inspire more laughs than gasps because Kelly Packard doesn’t come across as if she’s ever lost her temper before. One gets the feeling that she was such a positive person that she didn’t even know how to fake anger.
As for the B-plot, Sly, Tony, and Mark compete to see who is the “bigger stud.” Despite not being in contest, Jake is declared the winner. Despite the fact that Jake and Lorena were supposed to be a couple, Jake is seen dating several other girls in this episode and Lorena doesn’t seem to care in the least. Considering that Sly is wearing the exact same outfit that he wore in the first episode of season 3, I’m going to guess Tiffani’s Gold was filmed and meant to air much earlier in the season but, for whatever reason, it was held back until the very end.
(Incidentally, Christy — who rejects both Tony and Sly before going off with Jake — was played by a young Fergie.)
This rather campy episode was the final one of season 3. Next week, we start season 4!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!
Ugh. What fresh Hell is this?
Episode 1.4
(Dir by Jack Regas, Originally aired on March 4th, 1977)
“It’s the Brady Bunch Hour!” the announcer shouts as the Kroftettes dance at the pool.
As opposed to the previous three episodes, the audience’s applause sounds a bit deflated, as if they know what’s waiting for them.
The Bradys come out and perform (Keep Your) Sunny Side Up, from the hit 1929 musical Sunny Side Up. If you’ve never heard of this song before, don’t worry. Up until I watched this episode, I had never heard it either. And judging from their performance of the song, I would be willing to guess that Bradys hadn’t heard it until maybe an hour before performing it.
While the Bradys sing, the Kroftettes perform water ballet. For some reason, someone decided it would be a good idea to film the Kroftettes emerging from the water in slow motion, which kind of makes it look like they’re sea beasts emerging from the ocean to kill the Bradys. Not that the Bradys notice, of course. They’re too busy trying to remember the lyrics to Keep The Sunny Side Up. Trying to keep up the family’s flagging energy, Florence Henderson sings with a lot of intensity. The kids look embarrassed and who can blame them? I doubt singing a song from 1929 was one of the selling points when the Kroft Brothers approached them to do this show. As Mike Brady, Robert Reed has a silly grin on his face. He’s obviously having the time of his life. When the song finally ends, Reed is noticeably out of breath. For whatever reason, The Brady Bunch Hour loved to show the audience the Bradys struggling to catch their breath after every performance. I guess we were supposed to say, “They worked really hard!” but instead, it leaves the impression that the show is actually killing its cast.
Anyway, the song finally ends and we spend some time with the kids bantering. Greg is noticeably upset about his siblings being so immature. An argument breaks out. Carol yells at everyone to hold it down. It’s like being forced to watch someone else’s terrible Thanksgiving dinner. Carol and Mike announce the guests for the show are going to be Vincent Price and Rip Taylor. Greg gets mad because he wanted to introduce the guests. IT NEVER ENDS!
Finally, we go to commercial break. When the show returns, The Brady Bunch is singing It’s Not Where You Start from the 1973 Broadway musical, Seesaw. Again, you have to wonder if this was really the music that everyone was listening to in 1977. I mean, this was the same year that Saturday Night Fevercame out. This was the year of Star Wars. I just doubt there was a nationwide demand for a show featuring Robert Reed singing Broadway show tunes. Again, this performance ends with close-ups of Robert Reed and Florence Henderson gasping for breath. Obviously, performing requires a lot of physical exertion but Reed gasps like he’s got a pack-a-day smoking habit. Carol explains that they just sang this song because it reflected an experience that they had with Greg earlier in the week. What a weird way to introduce a flashback.
We cut to the Brady compound, where Greg is in the living room, attempting to write a song, strumming his guitar, and getting annoyed with the family. In Greg’s defense, his family is loud and annoying but, at the same time, is there no other room in the house where Greg could have worked. Anyway, Greg announces that he’s going to have to get his own place. Seeing as how Greg is in his 20s …. well, yes, he does. There’s really no reason why Greg (and for that matter, Marcia) should still be living in the Brady House and having to ask his stepmother for permission to stay out late.
Anyway, Mike and Carol attempt to have a serious conversation with Greg about his desire to move out so, of course, Rip Taylor shows up as Jackie Merrill, the landlord. It turns out that Jackie has a place that Greg can rent. “It’s funky but not junky!” Jackie announces. Mike orders Jackie to leave. “I see Papa Bear is cranky!” Jackie replies. “Dad,” Greg announces, “I love you …. but I’m not your BOY anymore!”
DAMN! LOOK AT GREG STANDING UP TO HIMSELF!
We then cut to Marcia Brady, saying that everyone at the Brady House was really sad about Greg wanting to leave. And then from there, we cut to Jackie showing Greg his new apartment.
Someone knocks on the door and demands to be let in. And …. hey! WHAT’S VINCENT PRICE DOING HERE!?
Vincent asks Jackie and Greg if they’re dead. When he discover that they’re alive, Vincent explains that he’s a ghost hunter and Greg’s apartment is haunted by “Stella Beaumont, among others.” Vincent explains that Greg looks a lot like Stella’s great grandson, Dinky, who died when he fell off of Greg’s new couch. Vincent Price has a lot of fun hamming it up but you probably already guessed that.
While Greg worries about ghosts, his family sits around the house and worries about him. Greg calls Carol so that he can give the family his new phone number. Carol starts to cry. “Say hello to everyone for me,” Greg says. Uhmm …. did Greg move to another country? Aren’t they all in Hollywood and still doing a variety show together? Why are they acting like they’re never going to see him again? Did Vincent Price talk to them?
Anyway, we then cut to Carol singing Traces while Greg sings All By Myself. As usual, Florence Henderson knocks the song out of the park. Barry Williams, however, struggles a bit as All By Myself is a terrible fit for his rather limited vocal range. Don’t get me wrong. Barry Williams has a perfectly pleasant singing voice but when he tries to hit those emotional high notes, it’s just cringe city.
Mike Brady welcomes us to “the second half of the Brady Bunch hour …. minus one.” Mike doesn’t seem to be too upset about Greg moving out. It’s interesting that Greg’s stepmother seems to be more emotionally invested in him than his own father.
We then cut to Carol and Greg in their living room, talking about how all of their children will have soon moved out. Carol is upset that Greg is not answering the phone at his new apartment. Mike tells her that it’s good that Greg is out and having fun. Suddenly, Greg rings the doorbell and says that he was just in the neighborhood. Greg then confesses that he owes Carol and Mike an apology for moving out without telling them and he also explains that he hates his new apartment. Greg says that he wants to come back and live in his old house. I guess Mr. Merrill forgot to have him sign a lease.
We cut to Peter saying that we’ve reached the part of the show where Greg always pushes him into the pool. But this week, Peter says, he’s going to do the pushing. Peter sneaks up on Greg but, just as Peter is about give him a shove, Greg moves slightly to the left and — yep, Peter falls in the pool! It’s kind of sad that this recurring bit is the only part of The Brady Bunch Hour that I ever find myself looking forward to. Greg then introduces a giant creature named H.R. Puff-in-Stuff, who proceeds to “lip-synch” to an Elton John song called Celebration.
Alice the Maid comes out on stage and explains that “Well, Greg’s back now,” and the family is going to throw a party for him. But first, it’s time for Marcia to sing Time In A Bottle. Much as with Barry Williams, it’s not that Maureen McCormick has a bad voice. She has a perfectly pleasant voice. But she’s singing a song that’s way outside of her range. Plus, someone decided that she should wear her hair up for her performance, which was not a good look for her. Maureen McCormick had really pretty hair so why would you hide that?
We then cut to Jackie Merrill, delivering a Tennessee Williams-style monologue about how he was only doing his job when he gave Greg that terrible apartment. The Bradys then throw a party for Greg. Bobby gets a cake smashed in his face. Bleh. I hate that gag, it’s so messy. Is this over yet?
Actually, it is almost over. The Bradys perform the finale, a medley of songs about being happy, including the Happy Days theme song.
This episode was kind of annoying but at least it had Vincent Price. Plus, that bit with the dancing monster was enjoyably weird. I don’t blame Greg for wanting to get out of there.
Hey, there’s only five more episodes of this show left. Yay!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Roll with the city guys!
Episode 3.12 “Yoko Oh-No”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 3rd, 1999)
Apparently, the show’s writers remembered that Dawn and Al are a couple before they wrote this episode because it opens with Dawn giving Al a hard time about buying her a “gold” bracelet that turned her wrist green. Seriously, Dawn, you can do so much better. DUMP HIS ASS!
The majority of this episode, however, dealt with Jamal and Ashley (Trina McGee). Ashley, as you may remember, was Jamal’s girlfriend who spoke with a ludicrously exaggerated southern accent. Trina McGree is probably best known for playing Shawn’s longtime girlfriend on Boy Meets World. She appeared on three episodes of City Guys while she was still on Boy Meets World. If I remember correctly, she was actually pretty good on Boy Meets World but was she ever awful on City Guys.
Jamal’s friend tell him that they think he’s letting Ashley control his life. At first, Jamal says that they don’t know what they’re talking about but then he realizes that he’s wearing the clothes that she likes and that he’s carrying around a beeper because he’s a drug dealer so Ashley will always be able to summon him. Jamal realizes that he has to break up with Ashley but, after Ms. Nobel says how proud she is of him for having a committed relationship, Jamal decides that he can’t break up with her. (WHAT!? HOW MUCH CONTROL DOES MS. NOBEL HAVE OVER HER STUDENT’S LIVES!?) So, Jamal tries to arrange for Ashley to fall in love with L-Train instead. It doesn’t work.
While this is going on, Dawn decides that she wants to see All-4-One in concert. (All-4-who? They were big in the 90s.) Because no one on this show can do anything the simple way, Al pretends to be dying in an effort to get them to give him free tickets. The band — which, for some reason, come to meet Al at the diner owned by Jamal’s father — are not happy with Al’s deception. Al confesses that he has to impress Dawn. The band, who I guess are super forgiving and have nothing better to do with their time, agree to give Dawn a private concert.
Meanwhile, Jamal and Chris decided to use their radio show to try to get Ashley to dump Jamal. They ask listeners to call in with their romantic problems. L-Train calls in and says that his girlfriend picks out all of his clothes and forces him to carry a “peeper.” L-Train then calls in a second time, pretending to be his girlfriend. “You go, girl!” Ashley says, which leads to Jamal announcing that he’s sick and tired of her bossing him around. Uh-oh, Jamal — you’re on the radio!
Jamal rushes over to Ms. Nobel’s office and apologizes for breaking up with Ashley. Jamal, were you required to turn in your balls when you enrolled at Manny High? Seriously, I can’t believe I just typed that but Jamal is just annoying as Hell in this episode. Anyway, it turns out that Ms. Nobel doesn’t care because Ms. Nobel is a middle-aged woman with a school to run.
At the diner, All-4-One performs for Dawn. Were All-4-One one of those bands that Lou Pearlman screwed over? “They’re all for real!” Al announces.
This was a dumb, dumb, dumb episode. This is actually the second Peter Engel-produced show to feature an episode called Yoko, Oh No! It worked better for California Dreams because, in the case, the title actually referred to someone dating the lead singer of a band. In this case, it’s just dumb. Jamal is not John Lennon.
Let’s move on.
Episode 3.22 “Party Like It’s 1999”
(Originally aired on December 3rd, 1999, directed by Frank Bonner)
On New Year’s Eve, the kids gather one the roof of Manny High and think about all of their previous adventures and — oh crap, it’s a clip show.
Hulu’s miniseries about Theranos was a disturbing look at how Elizabeth Holmes managed to defraud her investors, provide false hope for the ill, and become a celebrity despite not actually knowing anything about which she was speaking. Amanda Seyfried’s performance as Holmes was brilliant and she was well-supported by an amazingly strong supporting cast. The Dropout pretty much is the last word that needs to be said about Theranos.
2. Barry
Whether it was the Kaboom app or that amazing motorcycle chase, the latest season of HBO’s Barry was full of amazing moments. The saga of the hitman-turned-actor-turned-hitman continues to fascinate. As likable as Bill Hader can be, he never lets us forget that Barry is, at heart, a bit of a monster.
3. The Better Call Saul Finale
Finales are a tricky business and a bad one can ruin a show’s legacy. Fortunately, the final season of Better Call Saul delivered everything that the audience could possibly hope for.
4. Pistol
Danny Boyle’s miniseries may have provided a romanticized history of 70s punk rock but it was compulsively watchable nonetheless. Sidney Chandler stole the entire series as Chrissy Hynde. Anson Boon brought some unexpected shadings to the role of Johnny Rotten. That the real-life Johnny didn’t care much for it is, at this point, to be expected,
5. The Amazing Race
The Amazing Race returned with two new seasons. The first season was one that was filmed during the COVID lockdowns and it suffered due to the fact that some of the strongest teams had to drop out of the race because of the long delay in shooting, Still, you had to respect the show for not giving up and just canceling the season altogether. The second season was a return to form for The Amazing Race, with Derek and Claire providing themselves to be two of the most likable winners that the show has had in a while. For those of us who feel that Derek and Claire got screwed over during their season of Big Brother, their Amazing Race victory was especially nice to see.
6. Abbott Elementary
One of the best sitcoms to come along in a while, Abbott Elementary is both poignant and hilarious as it details the day-to-day life of the teachers at Abbott Elementary. Though Sheryl Lee Ralph has deservedly won the majority of the awards, the entire cast is wonderful. Janelle James, as Principal Ava Coleman, will hopefully get some Emmy recognition later this year.
7. Ghosts
What a sweet show about dead people!
8. Yellowjackets
Not sine Lost have I been so intrigued by a drama. Succession is a show that thinks it’s clever. Yellowjackets actually is clever.
9. The Offer
It was a guilty pleasure but a pleasure nonetheless.
10. I Want You Back
The best made-for-TV movie of 2022. Jenny Slate singing Suddenly Seymour was a classic moment.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Let’s set sail for adventure!
Episode 1.24 “This Business of Love / Crash Diet Crush / I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on May 13th, 1978)
This week’s episode of The Love Boat is all about dealing with the past.
For instance, Captain Stubing is shocked when his old high school girlfriend, Jocelyn (Jessica Walter), boards the boat. He’s even more shocked when Jocelyn points out that he’s gained a bit of weight since high school. I have to admit that I was also shocked that Jocelyn — or anyone for that matter — would react to seeing an old friend by immediately pointing that out. Even worse, Jocelyn makes a joke about how one of their other friends no longer has his hair. This, of course, leads to the Captain refusing to take off his hat and going on a crash diet in an effort to lose weight. This makes the Captain cranky and his beleaguered staff finally rig his scale to make Stubing think that he’s lost more weight than he has. This gives Stubing the courage to tell Jocelyn that he’s fallen in love with her.
I had two thoughts on this storyline. First off, Jocelyn’s kind of a bitch and Captain Stubing, while being a bit of a handful himself, still deserves better than someone who greets him by informing him that he’s no longer as impressive as he was in high school. Secondly, I didn’t really buy that Stubing would be that insecure in the first place. He’s the captain of the ship! He’s in charge! That takes a certain amount of confidence. In order to be a captain, you have to have the respect of your crew and it’s hard to imagine the crew respecting a captain who literally refuses to take off his hat because his high school girlfriend is on the cruise.
Meanwhile, Nate (Michael Callan) and Roberta (Annette Funicello) are both depressed because, over the past year, they’ve both lost their spouses. They meet on the boat and it’s obvious to everyone that they’re meant to be together. Isaac certainly sees it! But both Nate and Roberta say that they’re through with love. Fortunately, an obnoxiously happy couple (played by Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie) are also on the ship as a reminder that love can live forever. This was a standard Love Boat storyline. (Even though the show was still only in its first season, this was not the first time The Love Boat featured a depressed widow finding love on the cruise.) But Funicello and Callen were both sympathetic in their roles and I was happy they found each other.
Finally, Jill (Caren Kaye) is a former high-priced escort who is setting sail for a new life. On the Boat, she meets Bill (Christopher George) and they fall in love. Jill doesn’t want Bill to find out about her past life. Unfortunately, one of her former clients (Jack Carter) is also on the boat, traveling with his wife (Jayne Meadows). Again, this was a standard Love Boat story but it worked largely due to the chemistry between Caren Kaye and Christopher George.
This was an okay episode. The storylines were predictable and a bit forgettable but the guest stars brought a lot of charm to their roles. It was an pleasant cruise. I just hope Captain Stubing stops being so hard on himself!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Mr. Roarke falls in love!
Episode 2.9 “Return/The Toughest Man Alive”
(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 11th, 1978)
As usual, this episode of Fantasy Island starts out with a little Tattoo drama. After announcing the arrival of the plane, Tattoo informs Mr. Roarke that someone has stolen Tattoo’s car. Mr. Roarke has his doubts that anyone would steal a car on Fantasy Island but Tattoo points out that his designated parking space is empty.
Mr. Roarke informs Tattoo that he must be mistaken and that his car will eventually show up. And yes, the car does eventually show up. About halfway through the episode, two chimpanzees drive by in it. It’s a bizarre little scene, one that is neither explained nor really resolved at the end of the episode. I guess the chimpanzees just decided that they liked Tattoo’s car. To be honest, this entire plotline made me feel bad for Herve Villechaize as the joke’s punch line seemed to be that Herve was so small that even a chimpanzee could drive his car. From what I’ve read. Villechaize was often times not happy on the set of FantasyIsland and I imagine that jokes like that undoubtedly had something to do with it.
But enough about Tattoo’s car! It’s time to learn who is having a fantasy this week!
Usually, the show’s fantasies are thematically connected but that’s not the case this week. Indeed, neither one of the fantasies seems to go with the other and I actually found myself wondering if maybe the two fantasies had been meant for different episodes but, for whatever reason, were instead edited into this episode.
The first fantasy involves Samantha Eggar as a fashion designer who returns to Fantasy Island after having previously visited four years ago. During her first visit, Eggar’s fantasy was to become a designer and to fall in love. While she became a designer, she did not end up with the man of her dreams so Roarke is giving her a second chance. The twist is that she’s in love with Mr. Roarke! And Roarke is in love with her! To Tattoo’s shock, the two of them plan to get married on the Island. But then, the designer realizes that she has responsibilities in the real world and apparently, marrying Mr. Roarke means staying on the Island. So, the marriage is called off. Mr. Roarke’s heart is broken …. or is it? As I watched the episode, I found myself wondering if Mr. Roarke really loved her or if he was just giving her a chance to have her fantasy. Ricardo Montalban’s enigmatic performance kept things ambiguous.
One thing that bothered me about this fantasy is that Mr. Roarke potentially getting married felt like a pretty big plotline to be confined to just half of a one-hour show. It seemed like this should have been a special episode with just one fantasy. Instead, because there’s a second fantasy, there’s several odd scenes of Roarke taking a break from planning his wedding so that he can encourage Red Buttons to defeat a bunch of pirates. Buttons is cast as an engineer who wants to be a hero in the style of Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson. Roarke gives him super-strength, which is not something that Eastwood or Bronson ever had. But whatever! Buttons is recruited to protect a bunch of islanders from some pirates. But Roarke abruptly takes away Buttons’s super strength and, instead, Buttons has to use his engineering knowledge to defeat the pirates. It’s kind of silly, to be honest.
This episode raised a lot of questions about the nature of the Island and Roarke himself. Mr. Roarke rules over the island and apparently, he has to remain on the Island. But, at the same time, he apparently can’t be bothered to stop a bunch of pirates from harassing the native’s inhabitants and instead, he gives temporary super strength to an otherwise meek engineer. Maybe the engineer could have gotten Tattoo’s car away from those chimpanzees. While all of this is going on, Roarke also ends up falling in love with a mortal who never stops to ask, “Hey, are you an angel or something?” It’s an odd episode and a vaguely disappointing one, as neither one of the stories is that deeply explored.
Through the Shattered Lens 