The Joy of Celibacy”

Posted on January 8, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance….

Episode 5.12 “Take a Letter, Vicki/The Floating Bridge Game/The Joy of Celibacy”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 12th, 1981)

Captain Stubing notices that Vicki seems to be depressed. He asks his crew if they have any idea what’s wrong with her.

Actually, he could have just asked me. Why is Vicki depressed? Maybe it’s because she’s a teenage girl who spends all of her time on a boat surrounded by people who are all at least twenty to thirty years older than her? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have any friends her own age? Maybe it’s because Julie’s now too coked up to be the surrogate mother figure that she was during the previous two seasons? Seriously, there’s a lot reasons why Vicki might be depressed but they all have on solution. Let Vicki go to school on the mainland and allow her to have some friends her own age!

The crew, however, thinks that the Captain should just hire Vicki to be his secretary. Stubing agrees. Vicki is happy to have a job and she immediately does the exact same thing that I would do under those circumstances. She rearranges the captain’s entire office. The Captain can’t find anything but personally, I think his office does look better once everything has been straightened up. A messy office leads to a messy mind and, on a cruise ship, a messy mind can lead to a collision with an ice berg.

Vicki then issues a cheerful memo, telling all the members of the crew that they should give the Captain a daily run-down of their plans for the day. Again, I think that makes total sense. The crew, however, is outraged. The Captain is worried that Vicki is taking her position too seriously but he doesn’t know how to fire her. (When did Captain Stubing become a wimp? This is a weird episode.) The crew decides to give Vicki so much work that she’ll quite out of frustration but they discover that Vicki is determined to do a good job. No one knows what to do….

LET HER HAVE FRIENDS HER OWN AGE AND A NORMAL LIFE! THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO!

Anyway, the overworked Vicki eventually falls asleep on the job. The Captain uses that as an excuse to fire her. Vicki smiles because she didn’t really enjoy the job in the first place. Usually, the relationship between the Captain and Vicki is one of the better elements of The Love Boat but this episode left me feeling really bad for Vicki. She’s really missing out on the best years of her life.

As for the other two stories, neither was very interesting. A bridge club made up of four widows takes the cruise and are shocked when one of them (played by Nanette Fabray) decides she would rather spend time with a handsome dentist (Robert Alda) than play bridge. My question here is why would you spend money to play bridge on a cruise while you could just play at home for free. If you’re on a cruise, enjoy the scenery! Don’t just play bridge. Meanwhile, Barry Styles (Jim Trent) pretended to be a big believer in celibacy in order to get “ice queen” Linda Trent (Carlee Watkins) to fall for him. Doc and Gopher made a bet on whether or not he would be successful. DOC! GOPHER! You two know you’re better than that!

This week’s cruise was just sad. The bridge club wasted a lot of money. Linda was the center of a misogynistic bet. Vicki is still going to be lonely and depressed next week. What a sad trip on The Love Boat.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

Posted on December 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a two-hour special!

Episodes 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

The Love Boat crew is back in Australia, sailing from Sydney to Fiji and back again. The Captain remembers his time in the Navy and a lost love who he met while serving in the South Pacific. Julie remembers her love affair with Tony and how he left her at the altar after he discovered that he was dying. Anthony Andrews, who played Tony, is listed as being a guest star on this episode but he only appears in archival footage. Tony, we learn, has died but his brother, David (Brendon Lunney), assures Julie that her letters to him provided him with much comfort during his final days.

(David only appears for a minute or two, when Julie visits the animal preserve where Tony worked. Still, in that minute, he and Julie have so much chemistry that I found myself hoping that David would spontaneously propose to her.)

As for the cruise, the majority of the cabins are populated by the relatives of William Otis Farnsworth (Lloyd Bridges). Farnsworth is one of the richest men in the world and he’s taking a cruise with his entire family because he wants to see who is truly worthy of inheriting his fortune. The ship is full of people looking to get rich, including:

Jenny (Moran Fairchild) and Bud Boyer (Grant Goodeve), who are hoping that William will not discover that they’ve recently gotten divorced,
Hazel (Patti MacLeod) and Frank Fransworth (Russell Newman), who hope that Hazel imitating William’s deceased wife will cause William to mention them favorably in his will,
Marcia (Jessica Walter), who was married to William’s brother and who has basically hired gold digger Jessica Halberson (Linda Evans) to seduce and marry William, and
Burl “Gopher” Smith, who thinks that he might be distantly related to William and who, with Isaac’s encouragement, tries to get close to William. Gopher even calls his mother (Ethel Merman) to find out if he’s a relative. She’s not much help.

Not interested in the money is William’s niece, Eloise (Beth Howland). Eloise, who is William’s administrative assistant, finds herself falling in love with William’s valet, country boy Wayne Burton (Jim Nabors). Words cannot begin to express just how annoying Jim Nabors is in this episode. “Surprise surprise surpise!” Wayne says when he shows up on the boat. “Golly!” Wayne says when a conscience-stricken Jessica tries to break up with William. I found myself covering my ears whenever Nabors appeared on screen.

The main problem here is that none of these people are remotely likable. Not even William Farnsworth is likable. He’s meant to be likable but really, he comes across as being a judgmental jerk. When Jessica tries to leave the ship and fly back to Sidney, William reacts by buying every single plane ticket on the island. Jessica can’t leave but hey …. neither can anyone else!

Far more likable was Melanie (Margaret Laurence), the daughter of the Captain’s former lover, Madeleine. Melanie is a dead-ringer for her mother and the Captain falls in love with her. Melanie also falls in love with him. She proposes marriage. Awwww! But then she realizes marrying the Captain would mean abandoning her job as a teacher so she calls the wedding off. So now, both the Captain and Julie have had their heart broken in Australia. At least they now have something to bond over.

For a two-hour episode, there really wasn’t much plot to this episode. It was largely a travelogue. There were a lot of kangaroos and koala bears and they were certainly cute. The scenery was lovely. Otherwise, this was a cruise full of rather unlikable people. Australia deserved better.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.6 “Chef’s Special/Beginning Anew/Kleinschmidt”

Posted on November 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance!

Episode 5.6 “Chef’s Special/Beginning Anew/Kleinschmidt”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on October 7th, 1981)

As the passengers board the boat and prepare to set sail, Isaac and Vicki can’t help but notice Gertrude Turner (Trish Noble) and Kurt Kleinschmidt (Siegfried van Kapelhoff). Gertrude is rich, single, and wearing a very valuable ring. Kleinschmidt is a German insurance agent who Gertrude has hired to guard her jewelry, though she later reveals that she’s not really that worried about her jewels but instead, she just enjoys Kleinschmidt’s company.

“That man looks just like Doctor Bricker!” Isaac says.

And yes, it must be said that, despite his thick German accent, Siegfried van Kapelhoff, the actor playing Kleinschmidt, does indeed look a lot like Bernie Kopell, the actor who played Doc Bricker. They’re both tall, thin, in their early 40s, and they even have the same hair color and bone structure. What are the chances of that happening? I mean, seriously….

Wait a minute….

THAT’S NOT SIEGFRIED VAN KAPELHOFF AT ALL!

Just as Gavin MacLeod used to do whenever one of Stubing’s brothers boarded the boat, this episode finds Bernie Kopell playing two roles. Not only does he play Doc Bricker but he also play Kleinschmidt. And yes, there is a scene where Kleinschmidt talks to Doc Bricker. It’s done via split screen and it’s not at all convincing. Bricker doesn’t even appear to be looking at Kleinschmidt while talking to him.

Gertrude’s ring does vanish at one point, which leads to Kleinschmidt interrogating the crew and eventually attempting to arrest Gopher. Of course, the truth of the matter is that Gertrude herself hid the ring so that Kleinschmidt would stay on the boat with her. (Kleinschmidt, feeling insecure about his detective abilities, was originally planning on flying home as soon as the boat docked in Mexico.) When Stubing learns that Gertrude faked the robbery, he is surprisingly understanding, despite the fact that doing so led to Kleinschmidt harassing his entire crew. I’m not sure that I really bought Stubing’s reaction but maybe he just thought Kleinschmidt was Doc in disguise.

The Kleinschmidt story was far more amusing than it really had any right being. That was almost totally due to Bernie Kopell, who seemed to really enjoy the chance to play such an over-the-top character. Kleinschmidt was definitely a bit cartoonish but Kopell’s likability went a long way towards making the character’s stupidity not just tolerable but also kind of sweet.

While all that’s going on, the Love Boat’s chef (Jay Johnson) gets upset when a new chef (Leslie Easterbrook) is hired to work in the kitchen with him. This storyline requires the audience to believe that 1) no one would bother to warn the original chef that he’s getting a new colleague and 2) that the new chef would risk ruining her reputation just to avoid hurting her predecessor’s feelings. The less said about this story the better.

Finally, Jenny Langley (Joan Fontaine) boards the cruise and is stunned to see that her former lover, Stan Ellis (Richard Basehart), is on the boat. Jenny and Stan haven’t seen each other since the end of World War II. Now, Stan is a widower who has been in a wheelchair ever since the car accident that killed his wife. Jenny tries to help Stan come out of his shell and find the courage to embrace life. Stan is resistant but finally comes around. But when Stan asks Jenny to marry him, Jenny refuses. Jenny is going blind. Stan, however, doesn’t care about that. And, also …. Stan can walk! It turns out that his paralysis was just psychosomatic.

This storyline was one that I probably would have liked better if I hadn’t found myself thinking about my Dad whenever Stan was onscreen. (Before he died, my Dad was also in a wheelchair as the result of a traffic accident.) I will say that Joan Fontaine is wonderful in her role. This storyline was handled well but right now, the pain of losing my Dad is still too fresh for me to have really enjoyed it. That said, Fontaine and Basehart were old pros at this type of melodrama and this storyline had a lot to offer fans of old school romance. This was definitely a storyline for the TCM crowd and I mean that as a compliment!

With two stories that worked and a third one that wasn’t too much of a distraction, this was a worthwhile cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.28 “Tony and Julie/Separate Beds/America’s Sweetheart”

Posted on October 16, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, season 4 comes to an end!

Episode 4.28 “Tony and Julie/Separate Beds/America’s Sweetheart”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 16th, 1981)

Wedding bells are in the air!

Carl Mitchell (William Christopher) boards the boat without his wife. As he explains to Gopher and Isaac, he was married when he booked the cruise but now he’s not married because his wife was too much of a slob. However, Carl is still determined to take his cruise and enjoy himself. As soon as Carl goes off to find his cabin, his wife, Lynn (Toni Tennille), boards the ship and tells Gopher and Isaac that she just broke up with her neat freak husband but she’s determined to go ahead and take the cruise that they booked before their break-up.

Carl and Lynn are not happy to discover that they’re both on the cruise and that they’re sharing a cabin. Carl wants to date a younger woman. Lynn flirts with Doc Bricker. Of course, Carl and Lynne are still in love with each other. Lynn decides to win Carl back by cleaning up the cabin. Carl decides to win back Lynn by messing the cabin up. It’s like the most pointless story that O. Henry never wrote. The important thing is that Carl and Lynn decide to give their marriage another chance.

(Personally, I couldn’t live with someone messy. And Lynn really does just toss stuff all over the place. I think they should get a divorce.)

While this is going on, Vicki is super-excited when her favorite actress, Becky Daniels (Alison Angrim), boards the boat. But Becky is actually a spoiled brat and, when she hires Vicki to serve as her stand-in for a movie that’s being shot on the boat, she goes out of her way to make sure that Vicki is humiliated. Vicki is briefly disillusioned with Hollywood, until Becky apologizes and she and Vicki become friends. Okay, then. Glad that worked out!

Meanwhile, Julie is late arriving at the boat because she’s been busy visiting her aunt (a glowering Nancy Kulp). She even gets into an argument over a cab with Tony Selkirk (Anthony Andrews), a veterinarian. Julie wins the argument and the cab but imagine her shock when Tony turns out to be a passenger on the boat! She’s even more shocked when she sees Tony walking around with two chimpanzees. Of course, as you’ve probably already guessed, Tony and Julie fall in love. And Tony asks Julie to marry him. And Julie says yes!

And that’s where season 4 ends.

Is this the end of Julie’s tenure as cruise director? I guess we’ll find out next week. As for this episode, it was pleasant-enough way to end the fourth season. The stories did not particularly interest me but the Love Boat crew has become a strong enough ensemble that the show is no longer as dependent on its guest stars as it used to be. This episode, I enjoyed watching the crew more than the passengers. Seriously, I want to take a cruise now.

Next week, we start season 5!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.24 “That Old Gang of Mine/Love with a Skinny Stranger/Vicki and the Gambler”

Posted on September 25, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Vicki learns how to gamble.

Episode 4.24 “That Old Gang of Mine/Love with a Skinny Stranger/Vicki and the Gambler”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 11th, 1981)

It’s an anniversary cruise!

Captain Stubing and Vicki are celebrating the anniversary of Vicki coming to live on the boat with her father. Captain Stubing has already picked out the gift that he’s going to give Vicki, a beautiful and valuable pearl necklace. As for Vicki, there’s a watch in the boat’s gift shop that she would love to give her father but she can’t afford it. Then again, Vicki is the Captain’s daughter. Can’t she just take whatever she wants? I mean, who is going to snitch on the Captain’s daughter? Add to that, it was only two weeks ago that the manager of the gift shop was juggling three lovers on one cuise. Who is she to judge anything Vicki might do?

Admirably, Vicki is an honest person and does not want to just steal something for her father. But when her father’s old friend, Wade Hubbard (Gene Barry), boards the ship, he shows Vicki that she can easily make enough money to buy the watch by betting on a horse race! Wade, it turns out, is a compulsive gambler and Vicki soon falls under his influence. Captain Stubing is not happy about that so Wade pretends to lose all of his money (and Vicki’s necklace!) in order to trick Vicki into not only hating him but also hating gambling.

You know, Wade and Captain Stubing could have just told Vicki not to gamble anymore. Vicki seems like she’s pretty smart and level-headed so I’m sure she would have listened if Wade and the Captain had just told her that they didn’t want her placing bets as a minor. Instead, Wade created an elaborate lie and basically traumatized Vicki for life. That seems a bit extreme to me but, then again, I don’t have a gambling problem.

As for the other passengers, Patty Beller (Vicki Lawrence) is stunned when she discovers that her long-distance boyfriend, Phil Manning (Charles Siebert), has spent the last month at a fat farm and is now totally athletic and handsome. Patty always took it for granted that Phil would only have eyes for her but suddenly, every other woman on the cruise appears to be trying to get his attention. This story would have perhaps worked better if Patty hadn’t come across as being so self-centered. Phil explains that he lost the weight because he was worried about his health and tired of people making fun of him. To me, it seems like Phil should be applauded for his self-discipline and his desire to make a better life for himself. Instead, Patty gets upset that Phil is taking care of himself. Seriously, Phil — you can do better!

Finally, three old-time crooks (Jack Gilford, Jesse White, and Kaye Ballard) board the cruise and make plans to rob the safe. That shouldn’t be too hard since Gopher is the person in charge of watching the safe. However, the crooks are all elderly and out-of-touch with life in the swinging 80s. The safecracker has gone deaf and needs someone else to listen as he turns the dial. It’s all a bit silly but it was kind of a sweet story, largely due to the performances of Gilford, White, and Ballard.

The safecracker’s story aside, this episode of The Love Boat was a bit of a sour ride. Between Wade lying to Vicki and Patty wishing that her boyfriend was at risk for heart disease, this just wasn’t a very likable cruise. Hopefully, next week will be a bit more fashionable. Considering that the upcoming episode guest stars Glorida Vanderbilt, Bob Mackie, and Halston, I imagine it will be.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.16 “Gopher’s Bride/Love with a Married Man/Not Tonight, Jack!”

Posted on May 15, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise did not make me want to set course for adventure.

Episode 4.16 “Gopher’s Bride/Love with a Married Man/Not Tonight, Jack!”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 24th, 1981)

This week’s episode is all about cabins.

For instance, Jack Clayton (Patrick Wayne) invited his girlfriend of four weeks, Helen Mann (Trish Stewart), to join him on the cruise without telling her that they would be sharing a cabin. Sorry, Jack — Helen doesn’t go for that sort of thing! Jack is kicked out and spends most of the cruise trying to find some place else to sleep. (He also ends up awkwardly lugging his suitcase around with him.) Eventually, Helen gets some romantic advice from Julie (always a mistake) and decides that it’s not fair to kick Jack out of the cabin that he paid for. She tells him that he can stay in the cabin. Jack’s like, “Finally, let’s get it on!” No, Jack, Helen doesn’t go for that. Instead, she plans on sleeping outdoors for the rest of the cruise!

The two of them work it out eventually. When Jack objects to Helen sleeping outside, even if it means Jack would again have to find someplace else to go, Helen realizes that he actually does care about her and he’s not just interested in sex. They leave the boat together, with Helen promising that she and Jack will always sleep in the same bed from now on. I give their relationship another two weeks or so.

Meanwhile, Kay Tindal (Susan Oliver) wants Ned Beacham (Paul Burke) to come visit her cabin and Ned is sorely tempted because his wife, Margo (Dana Wynter), is such a workaholic. Fortunately, Ned and Margo’s 24th anniversary falls right in the middle of the cruise and it causes Ned to realize that he still loves Margo and it causes Margo to realize that she spends too much time worrying about her career. Ned and Margo leave the ship together while Kay can only watch from the staircase. Ha! Take that, homewrecker!

Finally, Gopher risks his job so that Nicole (Marie Laurin) can stay in his cabin. Nicole is Gopher’s pen pal from Quebec. (Actually, she was writing to Doc and Isaac who, for reasons that are never made clear, signed Gopher’s name to all of the letters.) When Nicole shows up on the boat, Gopher takes one look at her and says that she can stay with him. Of course, it’s against ship regulations for passengers to stay with crewmembers so, in order to keep Captain Stubing from finding out, Gopher tells him that Nicole is a new maid. Gopher ends up doing all of Nicole’s work and Nicole ends up meeting and getting engaged to a passenger named Frank (Paul Gale). Sorry, Gopher!

This was a pretty forgettable episode and it was a bit hard to sympathize with any of the passengers. Jack was a cad. Helen was a prude. Kay was a homewrecker. Ned was a wimp. Margo was cold. Nicole was so self-centered that she didn’t even notice that Gopher was killing himself with extra work to keep her from getting kicked off the boat. I wouldn’t want to be on a cruise with any of these people.

On a slightly positive note, Captain Stubing did ask Vicki if she had done her homework so I now definitely know that Vicki has a tutor and is getting an education while living on the boat. At least I don’t have to worry about that anymore!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

Posted on April 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Doc’s in trouble!

Episode 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 3rd, 1981)

Carl (Lew Ayres) and his wife, Violet (Janet Gaynor), board the boat in a good mood. Carl has just retired from the post office and they’re about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Awwwww! Carl and Violet are the sweetest couple ever, frequently referring to each other by pet names. They’re also very frugal. Violet brings her own tea bag on board. Carl turns down a bottle of champagne. They are a nice old couple who know the value of pinching a penny.

But, on the morning of their anniversary, Violet tells Carl a secret and everything changes. It turns out that Violet has been buying stock for years. She based her purchases on whatever pet name Carl used for her that day. If the name started with a G, she bought General Motors. If it started with an S, she bought Standard Oil. Once, Carl used a name that started with a “Z,” and she bought stock in Xerox. She explains that she didn’t know how Xerox was spelled at the time. (So, how did she buy the stock?) Anyway, the important thing is that Carl and Violet are rich and they have been for several decades.

Carl is upset by this news. If he had known he was rich, he wouldn’t have spent years at the post office! I see his point though, to be honest, they’re not that rich. The total stock portfolio is only worth $200,000. Still, Carl and Violet stop speaking to each other. Julie, Isaac, and Gopher jump into action and throw them an anniversary party, which causes Carl and Violet to remember how much they love each other.

Meanwhile, Charley Cole (Sal Viscuso) tells Pam Madison (Lynda Goodfriend) that he’s with the CIA so that she’ll let him stay in her cabin so that he can spy on his girlfriend (Denise DuBarry) and the guy (Stephen Shortridge) with whom she is cheating. Got all that? This storyline was incredibly dumb but it was saved by the frantic performance of Sal Viscuso, who managed to make even the lamest of lines seem funny.

Finally, Sally (Jessica Walter) boards the ship with her lout of a husband, Hank (Alex Cord). Hank is the type of jerk who looks at other women while his wife is sitting right next to him. Complaining of a headache, Sally goes to Doc Bricker’s cabin for some aspirin. Doc, who has witnessed Hank’s bad behavior, is sympathetic to Sally. Later, Sally tries to make Hank jealous by saying that Doc hit on her when she went to see him.

Angered, Hank calls the captain and accuses Doc of sexually harassing his wife. The Captain is forced to suspend Doc from his duties until an investigation can be launched. The crew is shocked. Doc would never hit on a patient, they all say. Except, of course, Doc does exactly that every single episode! Seriously, Doc is a walking HR nightmare. (Fortunately, for Doc, he was played by the always likable Bernie Kopell.) When the captain makes it clear that Doc could be fired and lose his medical license, Sally admits that he never hit on her. Doc keeps his job and somehow, all of this fixes Sally and Hank’s marriage. Later, Gopher and Isaac joke about how Doc got in trouble for the one time he “didn’t hit on a passenger.” Gopher and Isaac aren’t blind to what’s happening.

This was a surprisingly effective episode. Lew Ayres and Janet Gaynor were adorable and Jessica Walter’s intense, method performance as a desperately unhappy wife provided a good change-of-pace from all of the usual Love Boat goofiness. Even with all of the CIA nonsense, this was an entertaining cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out of This World”

Posted on April 3, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise is all about adultery and aliens!

Episode 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out Of This World”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 13th, 1980)

When Donna Dayton (Pamela Sue Martin) boards the boat, Julie immediately notices her wedding ring and asks if Mr. Dayton will be following her. Donna explains that she’s not married. She just wears the ring to keep sleazy men from hitting on her.

Julie is shocked. What if Donna meets someone on the boat!?

Donna says that she has no intention of meeting anyone.

Can you guess what happens next?

Donna meets Scott Hanson (Barry Van Dyke) and it’s love at …. well, not quite first sight. In fact, Donna is weary of Scott because Scott is on the cruise with his oafish best friend, Lance (Guich Koock, who has a great name if nothing else). When Lance tries to hit on Donna, Donna shoots him down. When Scott apologizes to Donna, it leads to them dancing together and then later spending a day in Mexico. Scott repeatedly says that their relationship cannot continue once the cruise is over. Even after Scott spends the night in Donna’s cabin (which was kind of a rare occurrence on this show because The Love Boat was usually a surprisingly chaste show), Scott says that he can’t be with Donna.

Finally realizing that she’s still wearing her fake wedding ring, Donna tells Scott, “I’m not married!”

“But I am,” Scott replies.

DAMN! When did The Love Boat get so dramatic? When the ship returns to Los Angeles, Donna gives her wedding ring to Julie and announces that the next time she wears a ring, it’ll be because she’s married.

Wow, that was depressing. Fortunately, the other two stories are a bit less serious.

For instance, Captain Stubing’s friend, Brad (Monte Markham), boards the boat with his wife, Monica (Sue Ane Langdon). Monica soon starts to hit on Stubing, which leads to Stubing spending all of his time hiding on the bridge. Doc Bricker, naturally, offers to sleep with Monica. Fortunately, Stubing figures out that it’s all Brad’s fault and he tells Brad that he needs to spend more time with his wife. Brad agrees and later learns that Monica just wanted to have an affair because she was insecure about turning 40. But once Brad starts to pay attention to her again, Monica decides not to cheat on him. Sorry, Doc!

Finally, in perhaps the silliest Love Boat storyline ever, Martin Fallow (Tom Smothers) is a science fiction fan who is convinced that his local librarian, Elinor Green (Helen Reddy), is an alien from the planet Romulac. Martin explains to Gopher that Elinor turns into a plant at night and only eats other plants. Elinor proceeds to eat a flower while Isaac, Gopher, and Martin watch.

Elinor later confesses to Isaac that she is not an alien but she’s been pretending to be one because she knows that Martin is obsessed with science fiction. Okay, that makes …. well, that actually makes no sense whatsoever. Elinor thought she could get Martin to love her by pretending to be a plant and …. actually, Martin does fall in love with her so I guess her plan worked. This was such a weird story. Fortunately, it was also a lot of fun. With all the talk of adultery, it was good to have something that was just incredibly silly to serve as a counterbalance.

This was an enjoyable cruise. Pamela Sue Martin and Barry Van Dyke had so much chemistry as the forbidden lovers that I really did feel bad that they couldn’t be together. And the alien stuff was dumb but fun. This was a cruise that truly had something for everyone.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.9 “She Stole His Heart/Return of the Captain’s Brother/Swag and Mag”

Posted on March 27, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Stubing Brothers are together again!

Episode 4.9 “She Stole His Heart/Return of the Captain’s Brother/Swag and Mag”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 8th, 1980)

This week, Captain Stubing’s no-good brother — Marshall Stubing — returns! That means that it is once again time for Gavin MacLeod to put on a toupee and a fake mustache and to play a dual role. (And, once again, he is credited as O.D. Warbux when playing Marshall.)

This time, Marshall is actually on the boat with the best of intentions. He wants to marry Natalie Martin (Arlene Dahl) and, amazingly enough, Natalie wants to marry him as well. Except — oh no! — it’s Zsa Zsa Gabor! Gabor plays Marshall’s ex-girlfriend. The character has a name but we’ll just call her Zsa Zsa because she’s basically playing herself. Marshall is certainly tempted by Zsa Zsa but, in the end, he does the right thing and he marries Natalie. In fact, the third Stubing brother, Milo Stubing (Sonny Wilde), shows up for the wedding. Wait a minute, Sonny Wilde? OH MY GOD, IT’S GAVIN MACLEOD IN ANOTHER WIG!

Gavin MacLeod plays three characters in this episode and let’s give him some credit. It’s all very, very silly and Zsa Zsa Gabor is not for everyone but Gavin MacLeond pulls it off. (Admittedly, there is one awkward scene where Merill has a conversation with Marshall and it’s obvious that no one told MacLeod where the other version of him would be standing so, as a result, Merrill appears to be looking over Marshall’s head while speaking to him but even that is kind of charming in its low-rent way.) Gavin MacLeod appears to be having fun in this episode and that was definitely the correct approach to take to this show. It keeps the story entertaining, even though not that much really happens with it.

As for the other stories …. eh, who cares? I mean, when you’ve got Gavin MacLeod talking to himself and Zsa Zsa Gabor making a grand entrance into every scene, do you need any other stories? Okay, okay, I’ll still talk about them, even though neither one is really that interesting.

Joan Van Ark plays a kleptomaniac from Oklahoma who falls for a psychologist played by Stephen Keep Mills. Whenever she flirts with him, she ends up walking away with his wallet or his wristwatch. Fortunately, they find romance and good mental health together. The doctor could have just called the police and had her arrested but that would have made for a depressing ending.

Darryl Brewster (Ron Ely) is Vicki’s favorite actor. He plays private detective Steve Swaggart on television. Swaggart can win any fight but when Darryl is challenged to a real fight by another passenger (William Boyett), Darryl ends up trying to pay the guy off. The passenger reveals Darryl is a coward and, for a while, everyone is disillusioned. But then Darryl gives a speech about the difference between playing a brawler and being one and everyone forgives him, including his agent and soon-to-be lover, Maggie (Erin Gray). The big problem here is that we’re asked to believe that Stubing would allow two passengers to schedule a fistfight on his ship without any repercussions. That would be the sort of thing that I think would get most captains fired. Obviously, Merrill was pre-occupied with his brothers but that’s really no excuse for putting the cruise line in legal jeopardy.

In short, it may be time to fire Stubing and let Gopher take over.

We’ll see if Stubing has gotten any better at his job next week.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, the Vamp/The Offer”

Posted on February 28, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s a special two-hour episode of The Love Boat!

Episodes 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, The Vamp/The Offer”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 15th, 1980)

This week, The Love Boat heads off on a two-week cruise that will take the ship, its crew, and its passengers through the Panama Canal. There will also be stops at all the various islands on the way. This is important because this is one of the episodes that was actually filmed on location. Instead of the usual sets, we get to watch the action play out on an actual cruise ship.

Unfortunately, the actual cruise ship is kind of …. well, tacky. Seriously, it’s hard not to notice that the hallways and the front lobby all look considerably more cramped and weathered than they have in other episodes of The Love Boat. It’s also hard not to notice that the extras (who were apparently actual passengers) are all considerably older than the usual Love Boat background actors.

In fact, with the ship in such disrepair, it is any shocked that Captain Stubing is thinking of leaving? When his old friend, Charlie (Dick Van Patten), boards the ship, he brings him a job offer. If Stubing accepts the offer, he’ll be living in New York, he’ll be making three times the money, and Vicki will get to have a normal life. Stubing loves the sea but he also wants Vicki to have a good future. Vicki — in a scene that was well-acted by both Jill Whelan and Gavin MacLeod — tells him not to worry about her and that he needs to do what makes him happy. And so, the Captain stays with the boat and I presume Vicki will continue to be taught by the tutor that we occasionally hear about but never actually see.

Meanwhile, Julie McCoy has been accused of being a vamp! Maude Victor (Lani O’Grady) is convinced that Julie is trying to steal her fiancé, Roger (Bart Braverman). Eventually, Roger himself become confused and Julie pretends to be interested in Roger just to get Roger and Maude back together again. This was a dumb story and I don’t want to waste any more time on it.

Indeed, for all the Stubing drama and Julie silliness, this two-hour episode was dominated by one story. Arrogant novelist Brian Mallory (Pernell Roberts) boards the boat with his long-suffering wife, Janet (Gayle Hunnicutt). Brian has secretly bought tickets for three other passengers. Peter (Skip Stephenson) is an insurance agent who is due to donate a kidney to his brother. Marvin (Jimmie Walker) owns a bookstore. Marcia Rand (Connie Stevens) brings along her fitness-obsessed boyfriend, Dave Porter (Peter Lupus). Mallory reveals that Peter, Marvin, Marcia, and Gopher were the last four people to see his nephew, Tom. Mallory has never met his nephew but he wants to track him down and apparently, Tom is living on one of the islands that the cruise is scheduled to visit. Brian wants the four of them to help him look for Tom and he offers a $10,000 reward to make things interesting. Why does Brian want to find his nephew? Eventually, it is revealed that Tom is in possession of a family heirloom that Brian feels is rightfully his. Sinister Lucius Kergo (Sorrell Brooke) is also on the cruise and he is determined to get the heirloom for himself.

Janet grows so tired of Brian’s arrogance and his obsession with finding his nephew that she declares that she’s leaving him. Since the cruise is booked up, she ends up staying with Doc Bricker. Doc falls for Janet but he realizes that she truly loves Brian and, when Brian starts to show some humility and some remorse for the way that he’s treated her, Doc encourages her to go back to him …. which she does because this is The Love Boat, not The Divorce Boat.

Anyway, Tom Mallory is eventually tracked down to a monastery in Puerto Rico. Tom gives Brian the heirloom but the newly kind Brian gives it back to him so that he can sell it and use the money to build a free clinic. Good for Brian!

Disheveled cruise ship aside and ignoring that terrible Julie plot, this was a fun episode. The island scenery was gorgeous and the mystery of Tom’s location actually turned out to be a lot more intriguing than I was expecting it would. Watching this episode made me want to take a cruise, even if it is a tacky one.