Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.12 “The Cheerleaders/Marooned”

Posted on August 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

Let’s see what’s happening on the Island this week….

Episode 3.12 “The Cheerleaders/Marooned”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)

I’m just going to be honest here. This week’s episode of Fantasy Island is not a good one. Neither one of the fantasies work. In fact, they’re both really, really annoying. Usually, this show does a fairly good job of balancing a fun fantasy with a serious fantasy. This episode, though, both fantasies are meant to be humorous. They’re not. They are both rather shrill.

That said, this episode did feature the return of Roarke and Tattoo bantering before going to meet their guests. When Roarke steps out of his office to meet the plane, he’s surprised to see that Tattoo is hiding in a red fire hydrant costume. When Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing, Tattoo explains that he’s training to be a secret agent. Roarke rolls his eyes so violently that I’m surprised he didn’t injure himself. Later, Tattoo attempts to disguises himself as a bale of hay and ends up getting chased by an enraged bull that just happens to be wandering around the Island. Roarke laughs and laughs because there’s nothing that makes him happier than the idea of his assistant suffering a terrible injury. That said, though it was all a bit mean-spirted, it was nice to see the return of the banter.

As for the two fantasies …. God, I don’t even want to talk about them.

The marginally more interesting one featured Vic Tayback as a blue collar guy named Melvyn whose fantasy was to spend some time with his favorite movie star, a total diva named Liz Merrill (Jayne Meadows). When Liz shows up on the Island, it turns out that her fantasy is for everyone to think that she’s lost at sea before she’s eventually found on a tropical island. She’s told that Melvyn has been hired to row the boat taking her to the island. Instead, Melvyn and Liz get lost and really do end up on a deserted island, where Liz eventually drops her arrogant attitude and Melvyn wins her love by barking orders at her. The fact that this was the “better” fantasy should tell you just how bad the other fantasy was.

The other fantasy features Georgia Engel and Patty McCormack as Cathy and Marg, two roommates whose fantasy is to be cheerleaders for their favorite football team, the Titans. Fortunately, the Titans training camp happens to be on Fantasy Island! Marg has a crush on quarterback Roger Mosely (played by Dan Pastorini) but Roger is more interested in Cathy. This leads to the two friends not being friends anymore but then Mr. Roarke tells them that there’s nothing more important than friendship. It’s a nice message but it’s hard to believe either Georgia Engel or Patty McCormack as cheerleaders and Engel and Pastorini had absolutely zero chemistry. The whole thing just felt too silly for its own good.

(I even forced Erin to watch this episode with me so that I could get her perspective as a former cheerleader. She agreed with me. As far as cheerleader stories go, this was no Bring It On.)

Sigh. This week’s episode was not great. Hopefully, next week’s will be better!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.11 “The Mermaid/The Victim”

Posted on August 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles!

Episode 3.11 “The Mermaid/The Victim”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 1st, 1979)

This week, Fantasy Island suddenly becomes the most dangerous place on Earth.

Julie Bett (Joan Prather) comes to the island with a simple fantasy. She wants a date — just one date — with a man that she met briefly four years ago. Mr. Roarke asks Julie if perhaps she has overidealized her memories of Michael Duvall (James Darren). Julie says no and that Michael is the ideal man. Roarke reveals that Duvall lives on a nearby island where Roarke has no legal authority. Julie says that fine, since the date will be on Fantasy Island. Roarke reveals that Duvall is usually not allowed to step foot on Fantasy Island because of his shady reputation. Julie replies that there’s nothing shady about Michael Duvall. Roarke finally allows Duvall to come to Fantasy Island for the date.

Of course, within minutes of arriving, Duvall has drugged Julie’s drink and then whisked her back to his own island. It turns out that Michael Duvall is a Jeffrey Epstein-style human trafficker and his estate doubles as a prison for the women that he had abducted. His evil assistant, Madame Jeannot (Yvonne DeCarlo), announces that there is no way that Julie can escape and, to prove her point, she introduces Julie to Annie (Cathryn O’Neil), who tried to escape and was severely beaten as a result.

Julie tries to rally the other prisoners (including Dorothy Stratten, who would be murdered 8 months after this episode aired) to fight back against Duvall, Jeannot, and their servant. If her rebellion fails, Julie knows that she’ll never be seen again….

Meanwhile, oceanographer Harold DeHaven (John Saxon) has come to Fantasy Island with his wife, Amanda (Mary Ann Mobley). Harold and Amanda have a troubled marriage, largely because Harold is too obsessed with his work and his desire to make a major discovery of some sort. No sooner has Harold started walking along the beach then he comes across a mermaid! Princess Nyah (Michelle Phillips) is apparently a well-known figure on Fantasy Island and, at one point, Roarke even confronts Nyah about her history of trying to lure the guests to their deaths. Can Amanda prevent her husband from drowning in his attempt to be with Princess Nyah?

(This episodes leaves us to wonder just what exactly Fantasy Island’s legal liability would be if someone died as a result of their fantasy. Seriously, it seems like Mr. Roarke has really left himself vulnerable to a lawsuit.)

Anyway, Julie and the other kidnapped women manage to escape from Duvall’s estate, just to find Mr. Roarke and a bunch of policemen waiting for them. Roarke explains that he knew what Duvall was doing but he needed proof before he could contact that authorities. Julie provided the proof. Essentially, Roarke is saying that he put Julie’s life at risk to take down Duvall but Julie and the other women seem to be amused by the whole thing. Everyone smiles as Mr. Roarke says that he’ll take them back to Fantasy Island. I guess PTSD doesn’t exist on the islands.

Meanwhile, Amanda’s efforts to keep Harold from swimming off with Nyah nearly leads to Amanda drowning. Seeing his wife risk her life for him, Harold realizes that he really does love Amanda and both he and Amanda return to dry land. Disappointed, Nyah swims off.

Yay! Everyone lived! As they all left the Island, no one seemed to be the least bit traumatized by nearly dying. At the plane flies away, Roarke suggest that Nyah’s new target might be Tattoo. “Be serious, boss,” Tattoo, “I can’t even swim.” The thought of his assistant dying a terrible death from drowning cause Roarke to laugh out loud as the end credits roll.

There was a weird episode and compulsively watchable as a result. Seriously, how do you not love John Saxon following Michelle Phillips into water? That said, Fantasy Island seems like a very dangerous place.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

Posted on August 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, boxing comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

Once again, this episode opens with no banter between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Instead, Tattoo announces the arrival of the plane and rings the bell and then he and Mr. Roarke head down to the docks to meet their guests. This is the third episode in a row without any pre-guest banter and I have to admit that I’m really missing it.

As for this week’s guests, they’re an improvement on last week’s rather forgettable offering.

Joey Lee (Gary Collins) is a former heavyweight boxer who comes to the Island with his son, Mitch (K.C. Martel). Joey thinks that he’s just been hired to serve as a sparring partner for the world champion, Jackson Malone (Fred Williamson). Jackson has a title defense coming up, right on the Island. What Joey doesn’t know is that Mitch’s fantasy is for his father to have a shot at the championship. When Malone’s opponent has to drop out of the fight, Joey is named as a substitute. Mitch is excited, until he finds out that Joey is being pressured to take a dive in the third round. Will Joey throw the fight? And, even if Joey doesn’t, how will Mitch react to seeing his father getting pounded in the face by the world champion? Will Mitch learn that his love for his father is more important than his father’s championship?

This fantasy was a typical Rocky rip-off, right down to Fred Williamson doing a credible Apollo Creed impersonation. The problem, of course, is that the middle-aged and mild-mannered Gary Collins was in no way credible as a heavyweight boxer. The fact that the world champion was played by an actual athlete didn’t help matters. (It’s true that Carl Weathers, like Williamson, was also a football player before he played Apollo but Sylvester Stallone himself had been an amateur boxer before he played Rocky so it was easier to buy the idea of their match going the distance.) In the end, I liked the fact that Mitch realized that his father’s health was more important than being champion. The fantasy had a nice ending, even if it’s difficult to buy the set-up.

The other fantasy featured Adrienne Barbeau as Brenda Richards. When she first arrives on Fantasy Island, Tattoo comments on how obese Brenda is, even though she’s only a few pounds overweight. (Adrienne Barbeau wears a very unconvincing fat suit.) Mr. Roarke explains that Brenda was humiliated at her high school prom when her date, arrogant jock Lance (Tim Thomerson), tricked her into undressing in the gym before then bringing in the entire senior class in to laugh at her. (Yikes!) The high school reunion is being held on Fantasy Island and Brenda’s fantasy is to get revenge. Roarke gives her a potion which allows her to be thin for 48 hours. (In reality, Barbeau just ditches the fat suit.)

At the reunion, Brenda tricks Lance into taking off his wig. The entire senior class discovers that Lance is totally bald and they laugh and laugh. Everyone is impressed with Brenda’s revenge except for Brenda’s old high school friend, Bernie Drexel (Fred Grandy, taking a break from The Love Boat). Brenda sees that she was just as cruel to Lance as he was to her back in high school so she makes a public apology and encourages everyone to be kind to one another. Barbeau then puts the fat suit back on. Bernie says that Brenda will always be the most beautiful woman that he knows. Awwwww!

I actually liked this fantasy, largely because of the chemistry between Barbeau and Grandy. Plus, Tim Thomerson made a great arrogant jock. I know that some people will say that this episode featured too many jokes about Brenda’s weight (especially considering the fact that, even before drinking the potion, Brenda was hardly obese) but I appreciated the fact that it had an anti-bullying message. And if her romance with Bernie inspires Brenda to eat healthy and start getting regular exercise, all the better!

At the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke tells Tattoo that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. “To me,” Mr. Roarke says, “you are six feet two inches tall.”

Uhmmm….yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that ending. It seems like the show, whether intentionally or not, is saying that Tattoo will be forever unloved because of his height. Even without the pre-guest banter, Roarke is finding ways to passive-aggressively taunt his assistant. That’s life on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

Posted on August 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The past two weeks of Fantasy Island saw Mr. Roarke getting married (and losing his wife) and Tattoo getting his heart broken. Will this week’s episode be just as dramatic? Read on to find out!

Episode 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

(Dir by Gene Nelson, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

For the third week in a row, this episode of Fantasy Island features Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading straight to the docks so that they can meet their guests without making any time for any Roarke/Tattoo banter. On the one hand, the scenes where Tattoo would tell Roarke about his latest scheme were always a bit awkward because of the obvious bad feelings between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize. On the other hand, they did reveal that Tattoo had a life outside of just following around Mr. Roarke. I will be a little bit sad if they’re gone forever.

As for this week’s fantasies, neither one adds up too much.

Big Jake Farley (Max Baer, Jr.) is a big, strapping cowboy who will tell anyone who will listen that he’s from “Big D.” (“It’s a mite south of Heaven.”) I’m from Big D too and I will admit that I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole “All Texans are cowboys” stereotype so I pretty much spent this entire fantasy in cringe mode. Big Jake wants to meet Valeska de Marco (Carol Lynley), the ballerina whose hard work and perfectionism inspired him when he was just a penniless cowpoke. Now that Big Jake is a wealthy rancher and oilman, he wants to marry Valeska and take her back to the ranch. Unfortunately, Valeska is already engaged to Stuffy Q. Borington III (Howard Morton). When Valeska suffers a career ending injury, will Big Jake be able to convince her to come open an acting school in Big D and will Mr. Roarke help everyone’s fantasy come true?

You already know the answer. Everyone gets a happy ending on Fantasy Island, except for that time Mr. Roarke got married.

Eh. Considering that this fantasy combined several of my favorite things — ballet, Texas, tropical islands — it’s a bit of a shock just how boring it turned out to be. The main problem was that there was zero chemistry between Baer and Lynley. Both of them came across as if they would rather be anywhere but on Fantasy Island.

As for the other fantasy, it featured Toni Tennille as Betty Foster, a former fast food worker turned private investigator. Her fantasy was to solve a big case. With Roarke’s help, Betty was hired by Contessa Christina Kastronova (Stepfanie Kramer) to accompany the Contessa to the reading her cousin’s will. The Contessa felt her cousin had been murdered and she feared she might be next. Betty pretended to be the Contessa during both the reading of the will and the subsequent night spent in a scary, dark house with all of the Contessa’s relatives. Anyway, Dick Sargent turned out to be the murderer and Betty realized that she’d rather marry one of the Contessa’s relatives than continue on as a private eye.

As far as this fantasy went, I liked the scary house and I found the scene where Roarke and Tattoo debated which one of them should stay behind with Betty to be amusing. (Tattoo, of course, ended up having to stay.) But the mystery didn’t add up too much. To be honest, as soon as Dick Sargent showed up, I knew he was going to be the bad guy. I mean, I’ve seen Clonus.

Especially when compared to the previous two episodes, this episode was fairly forgettable. Everyone got their fantasy but no one made much of an impression.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, on Fantasy Island, Tattoo falls in love!

Episode 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on November 10th, 1979)

Following the death of his wife last week, Mr. Roarke is once again back to being his usual cranky, Tattoo-hating self. And this week, Mr. Roarke has a special reason to be annoyed with his assistant. Tattoo has gone rogue!

As Mr. Roarke explains it, he has rejected the fantasy of Donna May Calloway (Audrey Landers) twice. Donna May says that she wants to be a country-western superstar but Mr. Roarke doesn’t feel that she has the talent and he also feel that Donna May is being pushed into it by her aunt, Ellie Simpson (Carolyn Jones). Ellie had to give up her own musical dreams when she was younger and now she’s forced them onto Donna May. However, Tattoo takes it upon himself to bring Donna May to the Island and to get her an audition with country-western producer, Colonel Hank Sutton (Richard Paul). Mr. Roarke correctly perceives that Tattoo is being blinded by his own crush on Donna May.

Col. Sutton is not impressed with Donna May’s audition. (It doesn’t help that Ellie pressures Donna May to sing a corny song about losing her boyfriend to her best friend.) Still, Ellie is convinced that Tattoo can somehow talk Col. Sutton into giving Donna May another chance. Ellie tells Donna May to use Tattoo’s attraction towards her for own purposes. Though reluctant, Donna May starts to flirt with Tattoo.

Tattoo may be in love but Mr. Roarke is enraged. He confronts Ellie and Donna May in their cabin and tells them that he will not allow them to manipulate Tattoo. (Much as with last week, Ricardo Montalban is obviously energized by having the chance to play Mr. Roarke as being something other than just an enigmatic host.) Ellie goes to Tattoo and lies, claiming that Mr. Roarke told them that Tattoo is not good enough for Donna May. What a bitch!

This leads to — and I’m not joking here — a sincerely touching scene between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Tattoo tells Mr. Roarke what Ellie said. Mr. Roarke replies that what worries him more than Ellie saying that is the thought that Tattoo might believe it. Tattoo says that he doesn’t but that he loves Donna May and that he’s going to leave Fantasy Island to be with her. By most accounts (including their own), Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not get along on the set but you’d never guess it from this wonderfully performed scene. Both of them deliver their lines with such sincerity and emotional vulnerability that it’s impossible not to be moved by their friendship.

Mr. Roarke confronts Donna May and Ellie in the Fantasy Island recording studio. (Yes, Fantasy Island has its own recording studio.) Donna May is stricken with guilt when she hears that Tattoo is giving up Fantasy Island for her. She tells Ellie that she’s going to live her own life from now on. After Ellie leaves in a huff, Donna May says that she must find Tattoo and apologize to him.

Suddenly, Tattoo reveals that he’s been in the recording the booth the whole time. “Apologize to the boss, first,” Tattoo orders, revealing that his first allegiance will always be to Mr. Roarke. Donna May and Tattoo then sing a country song together. No, I’m not making that up. It’s weird but kind of sweet.

As for the other fantasy, it’s far less interesting. Holly Ryan (Future Congressman Sonny Bono, who was a bit of a regular on both this show and The Love Boat) is an accountant who witnessed a murder committed by a gangster named Spider Sloat (Joey Forman). Holly’s fantasy is to hide out from Spider and, when Spider and his men suddenly show up on the Island, Holly ends up doing just that at an orphanage run by Emily Perkins (Shelley Fabares). Holly falls in love with Emily, takes care of the orphans, and puts on a dress when Spider comes looking for him. It’s a thoroughly lightweight fantasy that largely serves to remind us that no one nicknamed Spider can be convincingly intimidating.

As silly as the second fantasy may be, the first fantasy makes up for it. Much as with last week’s episode, both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize give such strong performances that this silly little show actually brought a tear to my mismatched eyes.

Will next week be as good? We’ll find out!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.7 “The Wedding”

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mr. Roarke gets married!

Episode 3.7 “The Wedding”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 3rd, 1979)

Helena Marsh (Samantha Eggar) and her son, Jamie (Paul John Balson), return to Fantasy Island!

The last time Helena visited the Island, she and Mr. Roarke ended up falling in love but Helena ended up leaving the Island so that she could return to the clinic that her late husband started in India. However, Helena has now come back to the Island and she has only one fantasy. She wants to marry Mr. Roarke! Mr. Roarke is going to make her fantasy come true. He’s so happy that he doesn’t even yell at Tattoo during this episode.

The entire Island is excited about the wedding. However, Tattoo grows concerned when he hears Helena’s parents (played by Laraine Day and Joseph Cotten) talking about how unfair it is that Helena is dying and probably won’t even survive the honeymoon. Tattoo goes to Mr. Roarke and discovers that Roarke knows that Helena is dying. Mr. Roarke assures Tattoo that Helena has one of those television diseases where death comes with little to no suffering. Unfortunately, Jamie does not yet know that his mother is ill.

The Hawaiian-style wedding goes off without a hitch. Mr. Roarke and Helena honeymoon on the other side of the island and, for the first time since this series began, Ricardo Montalban actually gets to wear something other than a white tuxedo. While Jaimie helps Tattoo train Chester the Chimpanzee to stop stealing things, Helena enjoys her last few days with Mr. Roarke. Unfortunately, the honeymoon is cut short as Helena grows ill. From his grandfather, Jamie learns that his mother is dying. “If life were fair,” Mr. Roarke says with tears in his eyes, “there would be no need for Fantasy Island.”

Awwwww! Seriously, what a terrifically sweet and sad episode this turned out to be. Ricardo Montalban and Samantha Eggar had fabulous chemistry together and Montalban, in particular, really seemed to be energized by the chance to do something other than act mysterious and enigmatic. In this episode, Mr. Roarke finally gets to show his emotions and when he cries, you’ll want to cry too. Helena dies peacefully on the island, in the arms of Mr. Roarke. Her final fantasy has been granted.

As for Jamie, he decides that he can’t stay on the Island. He has to go back to school so that, someday, he can become a doctor just like his mother.

Oh my God, I’m like seriously tearing up just writing this recap.

This episode was Fantasy Island at its sentimental and emotional best. This was a great episode, featuring outstanding performances from Ricardo Montalban and Samantha Eggar. Would you believe that an episode of Fantasy Island could make a reviewer cry? Well, this episode did.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

Posted on July 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tattoo gets bullied and Mr. Roarke gets psychedelic!

Episode 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on October 27th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo greets Mr. Roarke while disguised as Frankenstein’s Monster.

Tattoo explains to Mr. Roarke that he’s trying to look scary because there’s a bully that’s picking on him “because of my size.” OH MY GOD, POOR TATTOO! Seriously, my heart broke for him when he explained the reason behind his disguise. As usual, Mr. Roarke was far less sympathetic and ordered Tattoo to put on his usual white tux so that they could greet their guests.

This week’s fantasies ….. well, let’s just get straight to the point. Neither one is particularly memorable. In the first one, Cornelius Wiselfarber (Don Adams) is an expert on World War I whose fantasy is to experience the real thing. From the start, this storyline has two huge flaws. Number one, it makes the mistake of assuming that a character is automatically funny just because he has a silly name. Secondly, what expert on World War I would seriously want to experience it firsthand? There’s a reason why World War I was called the Great War. It was one of the most destructive and wasteful conflicts ever fought, one that will be forever identified with the horrors of trench warfare and mustard gas. Thousands died, many more were wounded both physically and psychologically. Even those who survived with their bodies and their minds intact still ran the risk of catching the Spanish Flu. This is one of those fantasies that just doesn’t make any sense.

That said, Cornelius gets his chance to experience what it was like to be a World War I flying ace. He even meets the Red Baron (Ron Ely)! The majority of the fantasy is played for laughs, with Mr. Roarke continually mispronouncing Cornelius’s last name and Cornelius himself getting recruited, by the Resistance, to pretend to be a German officer behind enemy lines. It falls flat, mostly because Don Adams himself doesn’t seem to know whether he wants to play his character straight or as a variation of his bumbling secret agent, Maxwell Smart. By the end of the fantasy, Cornelius says that he now understands how terrible World War I truly was but, seeing as how he didn’t see much combat and spent most of his fantasy trading one liners with Monique of the Resistance (Martine Beswick), you have to wonder how that could be.

As for the second fantasy, Helen Phillips (Diana Canova) is a 40-something nurse who wants to be young again. Mr. Roarke gives her a magic potion to drink. Drinking the potion leads to Helen having a psychedelic vision of Mr. Roarke explaining that that the potion wears off after 12 hours so she’ll have to keep drinking it if she’s going to remain young.

No longer having to wear glasses and without a touch of gray in her hair, Helen meets and falls for a handsome young named David Hanks (David Ladd) but she worries about what will happen when she runs out of the potion and he discovers that she’s old enough to be his mother. Fear not! It turns out that David has been drinking the potion as well! He’s actually in his 50s and his fantasy was to be reunited with the nurse who looked after him when he injured himself as a young man! To be honest, the twist felt a little bit too convenient and the old-age makeup worn by both Canova and Ladd was not particularly convincing. There was also an oddly played scene in which Helen’s ex-fiancé (played by Dave Madden) came to the Island searching for her but then promptly left when he discovered that Helen and David were in love. On the plus side, I did like the psychedelic Mr. Roarke scene.

As for Tattoo, he resorts to disguising himself as a vampire in his attempt to scare off his bully.

Later, when it is time to bid farewell to this week’s guests, Tattoo shows up wearing dark glasses because his bully gave him a black eye. Mr. Roarke finally shows some concern about the fact that someone is harassing his assistant manager. However, when Tattoo reveals that his bully is a chimpanzee wearing boxing gloves, Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs.

Seriously, Mr. Roarke really hates his second-in-command.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

Posted on July 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What I’ve long-feared has happened.

Tubi has removed the original Fantasy Island from its site. The recently-canceled Fox version can be viewed but not the original. Don’t get me wrong. I liked the new Fox version. But these are Retro Television Reviews and a show that premiered in 2021 is not yet retro.

Fortunately, quite a few episodes are on YouTube and it’s probable that the original complete series will again end up streaming somewhere. So, I’m going to try to continue to review this show. I can’t guarantee that I won’t run out of episodes at some point. For instance, it doesn’t appear that much of seasons 6 or 7 can be found, even on YouTube. (Unfortunately, it appears that only the first three seasons of Fantasy Island have been released on DVD.) But I’m going to do my best!

Episode 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on October 19th, 1979)

Tattoo has decided that he wants to be an artist! Mr. Roarke demands to know why because God forbid Tattoo have a life outside of spotting the plane. Tattoo admits that he wants to get the island women to pose for him. Mr. Roarke orders Tattoo to abandon his art career and head down to the docks to meet the plane.

The plane is carrying two guests who hope, much like Tattoo, to change their lives.

Cindy Carter (Donna Mills) is a switchboard operator who has a crush on her boss, Brent Bailey (Brett Halsey). Her fantasy is to be the boss of her own company. Mr. Roarke grants her wish and soon, Cindy is in charge of her own multi-national corporation. In fact, her corporation owns Brent Bailey’s business! Cindy also gets a executive assistant named Gary Pointer (Roddy McDowall). Unfortunately, it turns out that Brent isn’t a very nice person and he’s been siphoning money out of the pension fund. He threatens to frame Cindy to keep her from approving an audit of the fund. However, with Gary’s support and eventual love, Cindy stands up to Brent and reveals his wrong-doing. Mr. Atwell (Stacy Keach, Sr.), the presumed-dead head of the company, suddenly shows up at the stockholder’s meeting and announces that he faked his own death to discover who was embezzling from the pension fund. The stockholders applaud as Brent Bailey is taken away from the police. It’s all rather silly and melodramatic but the likable presence of Roddy McDowall kept the story entertaining.

Meanwhile, Mike Jenner (Dennis Cole) came to the Island to confront Eddie Collins (Cameron Mitchell), the criminal that Mike believes murdered his father and framed him for a theft. (There’s a lot of theft in this episode.) Mr. Roarke reveals that Eddie lives in a nearby fishing village. Mike goes to the village, spots Eddie, and punches him. Eddie hits back….

….and both of them are sentenced to spend a year on a chain gang!

Fantasy Island has a chain gang!? And the chain gang is overseen by a redneck named Captain Hawks (R.G. Armstong)!? Why has this never been mentioned before? I mean, is it normal to sentence paying guests to spend a year on the chain gang?

Anyway, Eddie and Mike set aside their difference and break out out the prison camp. (Fantasy Island has prison camps!?) During their escape, Eddie gets trapped in quicksand. Mike does eventually rescue him but only after Eddie confesses to having framed Mike’s father. As soon as Eddie confesses, Mr. Roarke shows up in his jeep. Apparently, Mike is now free to leave the Island with his fiancee (Pat Klous) while Eddie is sent to the Fantasy Island prison for the rest of his life. Much as the other fantasy was saved by the reliable likability of Roddy McDowall, this episode was saved by Cameron Mitchell’s grouchy presence. One could always trust Mitchell to give it his all while playing a bad guy.

With the fantasies taken care of, Tattoo returns to his art. When he asks his model to pose naked, she destroys all of his paintings while Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs. Mr. Roarke really does hate his assistant.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

Posted on July 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode is saved by the one and only Herve Villechaize.

Episode 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on October 5th, 1979)

Fantasy Island is going to be hosting a marathon competition so Tattoo decides to greet Mr. Roarke while carrying a replica of the Olympic Torch.

Tattoo proceeds to light a huge flame in a cauldron. A group of Islanders start trying to splash water on the fire, leading to Tattoo yelling at them to leave the flame alone. Mr. Roarke, who appears to be even more disgusted than usual with Tattoo’s antics, barks at his assistant to put on his tuxedo and head down to the docks so that they can greet their guests.

Bunny Kelly (Barbi Benton), Gretchen Wasserman (Arlene Golanka), and Olaf Olafsen (Peter Isacksen) have all come to the Island so that Olaf can compete in the marathon and hopefully win enough money to keep their barbell factory open. (Don’t blame me, I didn’t write this script.) When Olaf is injured while trying to lift some weights, Bunny enters the marathon in his place! (At first, Bunny tries to disguise herself as Olaf but, when that doesn’t work, Mr. Roarke declares that Bunny can compete as herself.)

Can Bunny defeat the men who have shown up to run the marathon? Well, it won’t be easy. Bruno Glass (Bruce M. Fischer) is so evil that he often stops in the middle of the race so that he can laugh at everyone else’s misfortune. Helping out Bruno is his trainer, Dr. R.M. Funk (Dick Martin). Using techniques that would be more appropriate for a cartoon, Bruno sabotages the other racers. Somehow, Bruno is able to do this despite the fact that the entire race is being televised live to the world. Fear not! With the help of friendly competitor Eugene (Paul Petersen), Kitty makes it to the finish line. When both Kitty and Eugene sprain an ankle towards the finish line, they carry each other to a tied victory! The factory is saved and everyone falls in love!

As you have probably already guessed, the whole marathon was pretty stupid. There really didn’t seem to be any sort of set rules as to how the marathon would be run. Olaf and Gretchen grabbed a car and drove alongside Kitty for most of the race. Meanwhile, Dr. Funk was somehow able to commit numerous acts of open sabotage without anyone noticing. Because Dr. Funk and Bruno were so cartoonish, it made it difficult to take seriously the possibility that they might win. There was no suspense whatsoever, which made for a pretty boring fantasy.

I preferred the episode’s other story, in which Tattoo was placed in charge of finding a family to adopt an orphaned baby. At first, Tattoo wanted to adopt the baby himself but eventually, he realized that the child would be better off with Thomas (Joshua Gallegos) and Mary (BarBara Luna), two Islanders who already had a large family and who had more experience taking care of babies. There was nothing surprising about the story but seriously, Herve Villechaize’s portrayal of Tattoo’s dilemma was surprisingly touching. While Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island, he also used his fame to speak out in support of abused and neglected children and he really seemed to be put his heart into this episode of Fantasy Island. When Tattoo said that he wanted to make sure the baby had the best and most loving home possible, one got the feeling that he was speaking for Villechaize as well.

So, this was yet another mixed episode of Fantasy Island. Ultimately, it was saved by the sincerity of Herve Villechaize.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

Posted on June 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mr. Roarke tries to kill Tattoo!

Episode 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1979)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens with Tattoo driving his mini-car across the island and nearly running over a group of Islanders.

Tattoo has every reason to be excited! This week, he is getting his fantasy. Using a fake name (Dr. H.L. Oottat — spell the last name backwards), Tattoo requested a chance to come to the Island and live out his fantasy of being irresistible to women. At first, Mr. Roarke pretends as if he had no idea that Dr. Oottat was actually Tattoo but, by the end of this episode, it’s pretty clear that Roarke not only knew who Oottat was but that he also saw this fantasy as his best chance to kill off his troublesome assistant.

Seriously, how else can you explain how Mr. Roarke grants Tattoo his fantasy. Tattoo wants women to find him attractive. (That’s actually kind of sad. Poor Tattoo!) So, Mr. Roarke arranges for a bunch of native Islanders to mistake Tattoo for their legendary love god, Nooyeeowee.

Words goes out that Nooyeeowee has returned to the Island. A group of Islanders take Tattoo to their village.

The chief explains that, as the Love God, Tattoo is not only responsible for deciding who in the tribe will marry who but that his presence will also guarantee successful fishing expeditions. Unfortunately, Tattoo is also expected to be able to fly. When one of the islanders, jealous because Tattoo has stolen his girlfriend, accuses Tattoo of being a fraud, Tattoo is told to prove his powers by taking flight. Instead, with the help of a native girl, Tattoo gets in a canoe and flees back to the main island.

Mr. Roarke acts as if he’s happy to have his assistant back but let’s be honest here. Mr. Roarke has shown, on numerous occasions, that he cannot be fooled or tricked by anyone. Are we to believe that Mr. Roarke didn’t realize that the letter from Dr. Oottaat was actually from Tattoo? After three seasons of listening to their passive-aggressive banter, it should be obvious to anyone that Roarke and Tattoo actually hate each other. Personally, I think Mr. Roarke was hoping Tattoo wouldn’t be able to escape.

As for the second fantasy, it features Pamela Franklin and Lisa Hartman as two women who want to become Southern belles by returning to what they consider to be the most romantic time and place in US. History, Civil War-era Georgia….

Uhmm…. yeah. This is definitely a fantasy that would not be allowed today. But, back in 1979, Roarke sends the women back to Civil War era Altanta so that they can both pursue a romance with the two Confederates of their dreams. Lisa Hartman falls hard for Dack Rambo, who is made up to look like Clark Gable. Pamela Franklin falls just as hard for Christopher Connelly, who is made up to look like Leslie Howard. Unfortunately, their night at the plantation is ruined by the arrival of an evil Union captain, played by Luke Askew.

Sadly, the fantasy ends before the belles get a chance to marry their men. But no worries! It turns out that the two men were also on the Island to live out their fantasies of fighting for the Confederacy during the Civil War. So, everything works out….

This was a weird episode and, as I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely one that would not be made today. I can only imagine how Twitter, if it had existed back then, would have reacted to the Civil War fantasy and the frequent appearances of Dixie on the soundtrack. To be honest, though, the the two belles were less in love with the Confederacy and more just obsessed with Clark Gable and Leslie Howard. Tattoo’s fantasy was actually the cringier of the two, with Tattoo pretending to be a God just to get laid and its suggestion that the Islanders will basically just worship anyone that they can convince to come to their village.

(Why don’t they worship Mr. Roarke then? I mean, he has literal magic powers!)

As I said, this episode was just very weird. 1979, you know?