In the 1977 film, Mr. Mean, Fred Williamson plays the title role.
He’s a former employee of the Cosa Nostra who now works as a sort of private investigator. He’s cool. He’s hip. He’s sexy. He’s Fred Williamson! But the best thing about him is that his name actually is Mr. Mean. Everyone in the film literally calls him “Mr. Mean.” He introduces himself as being “Mr. Mean.” The people who are closest to him occasionally leave out the “Mister” and just call him “Mean.”
The film begins with a woman approaching Fred Williamson on a basketball court and saying to him, “Hey, is your name Mr. Mean?”
Later, when he calls his office to check his messages, he tells his secretary, “This is Mr. Mean.”
When he goes to his favorite bar, he’s approached by two members of Ohio Players, the band behind Fire and Love Rollercoaster. They tell him that they are such big fans of him and his reputation that they’ve actually written a song about him. The song is called “Mr. Mean.” They proceed to play the song over the opening credits. For his part, Mr. Mean does not appear to be impressed. That said, I imagine the Ohio Players were probably happier to be playing for Mr. Mean and than for the Brady Bunch.
Mr. Mean is summoned to Italy by a mob boss who wants Mr. Mean to do one last job. He wants Mr. Mean to assassinate a rival gangster, Huberto (Lou Castel). Mr. Mean explains that he may be a fighter and lover but he’s not a killer. However, Mr. Mean then learns that Huberto has been running a scam charity, stealing money that people are donating to help fight hunger in Africa. Mr. Mean takes on the contract. However, Huberto knows that Mr. Mean is in Italy to take him out so Huberto hires an assassin named Rommell (Raimund Harmstorf) to take out Mr. Mean first.
Judging from the endless shots of Mr. Mean casually walking through Rome, it doesn’t appear that either man is in much of a hurry to get the job done. Mr. Mean even takes time to pursue a romance with the mysterious Rene (Crippy Yocard). What little action there is comes to a complete halt so the film can give us a lengthy scene of Mr. Mean and Rene walking along the beach. Eventually, it turns out that Rene has a secret of her own and, for a few minutes, it seems like Mr. Mean might become yet another Fred Williamson film to feature a sudden downbeat finale. But no worries! Mr. Mean may be mean but he’s also clever!
(Actually, Mr. Mean turns out to be a surprisingly nice guy so I’m not really sure how he got that nickname.)
The film’s plot is next to impossible to really summarize because the plot doesn’t make any sense. The story feels like it was made up on the spot, probably because it was. Reportedly, Fred Williamson shot this film while he was in Italy to make Inglorious Bastards. He would spend the week working on Bastards and then, on the weekend, he would borrow the film’s equipment and crew and secretly work on Mr. Mean. He wrote the script while filming. The result is a film that meanders without adding up to much. The main theme of Mr. Mean appears to be that Fred Williamson was Fred Williamson’s biggest fan.
Mr. Mean is one of Fred Williamson’s lesser films. Though he didn’t necessarily have a wide range as an actor, Fred Williamson had charisma and a lot of style and confidence. All of that is on display in Mr. Mean but the film itself is impossible to follow and ultimately just feels like an extended home movie. Mr. Mean just isn’t mean enough to be memorable.
Released in 1993 and produced by none other than Roger Corman, Fire on the Amazon takes place in Bolivia. Despite the protests of the indigenous population and the environmental activists who have flown down to support them, the Rain Forest is being destroyed by corporations, cattle ranchers, and military units. After an activist named Rafael Santos (Eduardo Cesti) is assassinated, photojournalist R.J. O’Brien (Craig Sheffer) comes down to document the accused assassin’s trial.
R.J. tries to remain detached from the injustices that he sees around him. Much like Robert Forster in Medium Cool, R.J. claims to be an observer and not a participant. But then he meets an environmentalist named Alyssa Rothman (a pre-stardom Sandra Bullock) and he comes to realize that the Bolivian government is covering up the details of Santos’s death. R.J. and Alyssa go deep into the Rain Forest, searching for evidence that can prove that the military was behind the assassination. The military, of course, is determined to keep them from doing that.
Fire on the Amazon is a Roger Corman films with a social conscience. It features several speeches about the importance of the Rain Forest and it ends with a title card informing viewers of how much of the Rain Forest was destroyed on a daily basis in 1993. Whatever else one might have to say about the films that Corman has either produced or directed, he has always seemed very sincere when it comes to his messages. That said, Corman has also always been very sincere in his belief that movies should make money and Fire on the Amazon doesn’t allow its environmental message to get in the way of the sex and violence that most of the film’s viewers were probably looking for. The film actually feels a bit like a companion piece to The Forbidden Dance. Yes, saving the Rain Forest is importance but so is doing the Lambada.
Today, if Fire on the Amazon is known for anything, it’s probably for the rather random sex scene featuring Sandra Bullock and Craig Sheffer. To be honest, while the scene is graphic and lengthy, the only thing that sets it apart from other low-budget sex scenes is the fact that it features a future Oscar winner. A huge problem with the scene is that there are next to no romantic sparks between Bullock and Craig Sheffer. Indeed, Sheffer gives such a lifeless performance that, at one point, it appears that he’s actually fallen asleep during the big sex scene. Fortunately, Sheffer sticks out his tongue long enough to let us know that he’s still alive.
Make no mistake about it, while Sandra Bullock may be the name that’s highlighted whenever this film shows up on a streaming site, Craig Sheffer is the star of the film. The majority of the film focuses on him as he wanders around Bolivia and whines about having to do his job. Though he’s certainly not helped by the film’s script, Sheffer gives a performance that alternates between sleep-walking and histrionic shouting. The problem is that the only time Sheffer shows any emotion is when his character has been inconvenienced. He can watch the police beat up a man without barely lifting an eyebrow but, as soon as he’s arrested and put in a cell, the audience is subjected to over a minute of Sheffer shrilly screaming, “Call the embassy!”
It would be nice to say that Sandra Bullock gives a performance that transcends the material but, unfortunately, she’s miscast as a somber activist and, worst of all, she gets stuck with the film’s worst line when she tells Sheffer to write about what “you feel and not what you see.” It seems like better advice would be to do both but what do I know? I mean, as of right now, it seems like people focusing on what they feel as opposed to what they see has led to a lot of problems but maybe the 90s were a simpler time.
Just a year after this film was released, Sandra Bullock would star in Speedand become a star. This meant that Bullock would no longer be filming sex scenes in Roger Corman-produced eco-thrillers. It also meant that Fire on the Amazon would forever be promoted on DVD and Blu-ray as being a “Sandra Bullock film” while Craig Sheffer would often go unmentioned. (In Sheffer’s defense, he’s still acting and has given many performances that are a hundred times better than his work in Fire on the Amazon.) If you want to see a good film about Sandra Bullock in the jungle, check out The Lost City. If you want to see an entertaining environmentally-themed thriller from director Luis Llosa, check out Anaconda. Worthy intentions aside, Fire on the Amazon is best avoided.
Haunted by the death of his teenage daughter and the subsequent collapse of his marriage, William Dorn (Chuck Conners) feels that society is changing too quickly. He misses the days when people were polite and followed the law. Now, he’s upset that he can’t even walk around Los Angeles without seeing people littering. The waitress at the local diner has forgotten the importance of smiling while taking her customer’s order. Hospitals are full of doctors who don’t care about their patients. The colleges are full of long-haired drug pushers. His ex-wife is attending a consciousness raising seminar. William has had it with the 1970s so he decides to start blowing stuff up.
William starts to wander around Los Angeles. Usually, he’s carrying a brown paper sack and, inside the sack, he’s got a ticking time bomb. He always wears the same suit and thick glasses and yet, somehow, no one ever seems to notice or remember him. Even though all of his bombs are timebombs, they still go off within seconds of him planting them, which means that he’s usually only standing a few feet away with they explode. William also sends the police tape-recorded manifestos without making any effort to disguise his voice. William may not be the smartest criminal around but that still doesn’t stop him from terrorizing the city.
Detective Geronimo Minelli (Vince Edwards) is determined to track down the mad bomber, even if it means yelling at everyone that he meets. Minelli is one of those intense detectives who doesn’t care about what the Supreme Court has to say about the rights of suspects and the accused. Unfortunately, the only witness who can identify the bomb is George Fromley (Neville Brand), a sex offender who doesn’t want to admit that he saw the bomber blow up a hospital because he was busy assaulting one of the patients at the time. Can Minelli convince Fromley to provide a physical description of the bomber? And will William Dorn ever realize that it’s probably not a good idea to store a bunch of ticking time bombs in his basement?
First released in 1972 and also known as The Police Connection, Bert I. Gordon’s The Mad Bomber is unique amongst Gordon’s films in that it doesn’t feature any giant animals or killer bugs. In this film, the monsters are all human and don’t have any convenient excuses for their behavior. Though Neville Brand does a good job with the role, George Fromley is still probably one of the most unlikable and despicable characters to ever appear in the movie. Meanwhile. Vince Edwards plays Minelli as being the type of cop who is one bad day away from massively violating someone’s civil rights during a traffic stop. The film does build up some sympathy for William Dorn, with still shots of his daughter used to show us what’s going through Dorn’s mind as he plants his bombs. But then it tosses all that sympathy away by having him target a meeting of feminists, apparently because he blames them for his wife leaving him.
The main problem with the film is that we’re expected to believe that someone who looks like this would be able to walk around Los Angeles and plant bombs without anyone noticing.
That’s nothing against Chuck Conners, who does a good job of portraying William’s frustration with the world. But still, it’s hard to believe that no one is going to notice a dude who is nearly seven feet tall and who is carrying a ticking shopping bag.
Flaws and all, The Mad Bomber is a watchable and occasionally even an engrossing film. It’s certainly one Gordon’s better efforts and Gordon does a good job of creating and maintaining a properly ominous atmosphere, even if it sometimes hard to take seriously the sight of Chuck Conners, lumbering around in his suit and trying to discreetly drop off bombs. In many ways, it’s a film that still feels relevant today. William, like so many. is trying to forcefully stop the world from changing around him. He’s a man who has lost anything and has decided that it’s the fault of everyone else. (In many ways, he’s like Rainn Wilson in Super, ragefully reacting to a world is not as simple as he believes it should be.) The Mad Bomber may not be as much fun as Gordon’s giant monster films but it’s still a film that has something to say.
The 1974 film, The Black Godfather, opens with two black men attempting to break into the house of a white drug dealer. Unfortunately, the drug dealer happens to be home. Both of the men are shot. One dies in the alley. The other, J.J. (Rod Perry), is shot in the arm but survives.
J.J. may not have been able to rob the dealer but his bravery impresses Nate Williams (Jimmy Whitherspoon), a powerful neighborhood crime lord. Nate allows J.J. to hide out at his place and, while J.J. heals, Nate offers up some advice on how to survive on the streets. J.J. says that he’s only interested in making some “bread,” but Nate thinks that J.J. has what it takes to become one of the top men in his organization.
One opening credits montage later and J.J. has indeed become a powerful man on the streets. Though he may sell drugs, J.J. is a gangster with a conscience. As he explains to his old friend, Diablo (Damu King), there’s no way to create change unless you make some money beforehand. Diablo is a political militant who has no interest in working with J.J. until he discovers that J.J. is planning on running Tony (Don Chastain) out of the neighborhood. Tony is a white gangster who has made a fortune by destroying black communities with heroin. Diablo and his followers become J.J.’s enforcers as he wages war against Tony.
Unfortunately, the always pragmatic Nate doesn’t want J.J. to wage war against Tony. Nate believes that it is important to keep the peace. That Nate is tying to prevent a war doesn’t matter to Tony, of course. As soon as Tony finds out that J.J. has been seeing Nate’s daughter, Yvonne (Diane Sommerfeld), he makes his move.
Made at the height of the Blaxploitation era, The Black Godfather‘s title brings to mind memories of Don Corleone, Michael, Sonny, and Tom Hagen. And it is true that the wise and patient Nate does, in many ways, come across like a black version of Don Corleone. Nate is pragmatic and cautious almost to a fault. Just as Don Corleone resisted going to the war with the Tattaglias, Nate resists going to war with Tony. (And, much like the Tattaglias, Tony proves himself to be unworthy of Nate’s generosity.) However, J.J. has far more in common with Sonny than with Michael. Unlike the calculating and patient Michael, J.J. is in a hurry to prove that he’s the most powerful gangster in the community. Like Sonny, J.J. doesn’t hesitate before striking back at his enemies.
Unfortunately, despite having an intriguing premise, The Black Godfather is a bit of a chore to sit through. The story moves slowly and even the scenes of gangster violence feel rather rudimentary. Rod Perry projects a confident charisma and Jimmy Witherspoon does a good job as the wise Nate but otherwise, the cast is stiff and unconvincing. It’s a shame. The mix of crime and militant politics had potential. Early on, Diablo and J.J. debate whether or not good can come out of bad, with J.J. arguing that money can get a lot more done than idealism. It’s a debate that’s still relevant today but it’s also an issue that the film abandons fairly quickly. Based on the film’s title, I had some hope for The Black Godfather but, in the end, it’s just too slow and amateurish to really be memorable.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s Roll, Freddy, Roll! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Poor Freddy Menlo!
Played by Tim Conway, Freddy is a well-meaning guy who gets absolutely zero respect from the rest of the world. He works as a computer programmer but his boss (Henry Jones) doesn’t think much of him and an attempt to score a contract with the U.S. Navy falls through when Admiral Norton (Scott Brady) announces that he doesn’t think much of computers. Meanwhile, his ex-wife (Ruta Lee) has fallen in love with and married “Big Sid” Kane (Jan Murray). Big Sid is a millionaire who made his fortune selling used cars. Big Sid is seen every day on television. And, due to catching the biggest bluefish tuna on record while on his honeymoon, Big Sid Kane is now in the Guinness Book of the World Records.
A lesser engineer would crack under the pressure and go on a rampage through Los Angeles, Falling Down-style. But Freddy just wants to be a good father. He just wants his son, Tommy (Moosie Drier), to look up to him the way that he now looks up to Big Sid. Freddy takes Tommy to a roller skating rink and awkwardly skates around while Tommy talks about how much he enjoys going to Big Sid’s car lot. When it’s time to leave the rink, Freddy is informed that his shoes have been lost. An angry Freddy refuses to return the rink’s skates until he gets back his shoes. Freddy then takes Tommy down to Big Sid’s used car lot, where Big Sid has invited other people to come and try to set world records of their own. A local news reporter sees that Freddy is on roller skates and announces that Freddy is seeking to set the world record for the most time spent rolling around! Finally, Freddy has found a way to impress his son!
Excuse me while I catch my breath. That was a lot of plot to cram into just two paragraphs.
Roll, Freddy, Roll is not a particularly complicated movie. For the most part, it exists solely so that Tim Conway can do some mild physical comedy while trying to balance himself on roller skates. It only has a 73-minute run time and it basically feels like an extended episode of an old sitcom. With all that in mind, it still seems like it takes forever to actually get Freddy into those roller skates and once he does put them on, the movie keeps up coming with implausible excuses to keep him from taking them off until he finally decides to go for the world record. The story would have been stronger if Freddy has been the one to look at his feet and say, “I’m going to set a world record,” as opposed to him just being bullied into it by a news reporter. Tim Conway’s likable but there’s only so many times you can watch someone fall on roller skates before the joke starts to wear thin.
It would not surprise me if Roll, Freddy, Roll was meant to be a pilot for a sitcom. It’s easy to imagine Tim Conway trying to impress his son and win back his wife by doing something stupid on a weekly basis. As far as I know, Roll, Freddy, Roll did not lead to a television series and that’s probably a good thing. Freddy had a hard enough time just rolling around Los Angeles for two days! Who knows what would have happened if he had tried to do it on a weekly basis!?
Is everybody happy? Well, it is Oscar Sunday so some people will be very happy but even more people are going to be bitterly disappointed that they are not going to get to go home with an Oscar. I’m not particularly enthused about sitting through the Jimmy Kimmel-hosted ceremony but I am happy that, after all the build-up, we have finally reached the Big Day!
This is going to be a big day here at TSL. I’m looking forward to it!
Here’s just a few thoughts on what I watched this week:
Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)
Now, I want to play Drought.
Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)
After missing the previous two episodes, I caught the latest episode of Accused on Tuesday night. Whitney Cummings played a comedian who was a raped by another comedian. Mary Lynn Rajskub played the clingy fan who offered support but who later turned out to be dangerous in her own way. This episode was a bit overwritten, which tends to be a problem with many anthology shows. But it was saved by the excellent performances of Rajskub and Cummings.
American Idol (Sunday Night, ABC)
The auditions moved to Nashville! A lot of talented singers made it through to Hollywood but …. eh, I don’t know. The best singers are usually the ones who may not be technically perfect but who bring their own individual personality to their performances. So far, there hasn’t been much personality this season. Everyone’s a bit too polished and the judges already seem to know who is going through before they ever hear one note. I guess I’m old-fashioned as far as my reality show preferences go. I don’t care how tragic your life has been or what your family is like. I just care about whether or not you’re an interesting and entertaining performer.
The Bachelor (Monday Night, ABC)
Eh. Who cares?
Bar Rescue (Weekday Mornings, Paramount)
I watched two episodes on Wednesday morning. Both featured bars that were so disgusting and filthy that it made me happy to be a non-drinker. The second episode that I watched actually featured the bar’s cook taking a bath in the dishwashing area. BLEH! That was not exactly something I needed to see.
Bubblegum Crisis (Night Flight Plus)
I have no idea what was actually happening in this animated series from Japan but the imagery was nice and a lot of things blew up.
Court Cam (Weekday Mornings, A&E)
I watched two episodes on Wednesday. Angry defendants were making trouble. Dan Abrams breathlessly narrated every single event. One defendant attacked his own lawyer. I’m going to assume that someone else probably handled his appeal after he was convicted for that.
Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, FOX)
Apparently, this show is 1) based on a British program and 2) also a reboot of a show that aired on the CW way back in 2008. Basically, a bunch of city girls compete for the chance to marry four farmers. The dramatic high point of the first episode came when the farmers had to ask each girl, “Do you want to come back to my farm?” and the women were then given the choice to say yes or to walk out. Only one girl walked out. Everyone else was like, “I’d love to go back to the farm with you!” This show felt a lot like Burning Love, the brilliant and much-missed parody of The Bachelor franchise.
I enjoyed the first episode, though. With The Bachelor a bit of a bore this season, Farmer Wants A Wife might temporarily replace it as my new guilty pleasure show. I’m always torn between my love of the city and my nostalgia for the country so this is a show to which I can relate. Plus, the farmers are all handsome and strong and they don’t look like the types to spend a lot of time crying about the state of the world. This show brings out my country girl side. I think my accent got a hundred times more Southern while I was watchin’ it.
Ghosts (Thursday Night, CBS)
This week’s episode was great. I hope Matt Walsh makes a guest appearance every season.
Jared From Subway (Monday Night, ID)
This three-hour documentary detailed, in repulsive detail, the crimes of Jared Fogle and his associate, Russell Taylor. On the one hand, it did a good job of showing how America’s cult of celebrity allowed Jared to flourish. On the other hand, Rochelle Herman, the journalist who first recorded Jared talking about his desires, often came across as being more concerned with promoting herself than anything else. Between the use of blurry reenactments and the people who were interviewed solely so they could talk about how “beautiful” Rochelle was, the documentary was occasionally its own worst enemy.
The New Wave Theatre (Night Flight Plus)
I watched an episode of this 80s cable access show on Saturday morning. The music was good and loud.
Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)
Abby is all excited because her favorite podcast host is in the court to serve as a witness. Abby thinks that the going-ons at the court would make a great podcast! The host, however, only wants to interview Dan. Dan talks about running for the city council in the 80s and bribing people to vote. “It was hard to get people to vote in the 80s,” Dan says, “there were other things to do …. like cocaine! Plus, Pac-Man had just come out and that was the perfect surface on which to do cocaine.” Okay, that made me laugh. The rest of the episode was fairly forgettable. The problem is that Dan is the only consistently well-written character and John Larroquette so completely dominates the show that it’s hard not to kind of resent having to spend time with any of the other characters.
Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)
On Friday, I watched an episode from the early 80s. It was about erotic imagery in music videos. Prince and Madonna were heavily featured.
Poker Face (Thursday Night, Peacock)
Though it took me a month and a half to get around to it, I finally watched the first episode of Poker Face on Tuesday night. I resisted because the commercials (“Meet Charlie Cale, you’re going to like her.”) annoyed me and the show’s creator Rian Johnson is undeniably talented but also makes films that occasionally seem to be a bit too impressed with their own cleverness. However, Poker Face has been critically acclaimed since it premiered and I do like Natasha Lyonne and Benjamin Bratt so I decided to finally give the show a chance.
The first episode was set in Nevada and set up the premise of the series. Lyonne stars as Charlie, who has the ability to tell whenever anyone is lying. Over the course of the episode she discovered that her boss (played by Adrian Brody) was a liar and, after his suicide, she had to go on the run. The episode looked great. I loved the sight of Charlie’s little trailer sitting in the desert and I also liked the contrast between the opulent casino and the messy house where the episode’s murder actually took place. Plotwise, it suffered from a problem that is typical of pilots in that it tried to cram too much information into a limited amount of time. That said, it held my interest and Natasha Lyonne was sympathetic and likable as Charlie. I did find myself wishing that Charlie would cut down on the alcohol but I guess that’s what people do when they’re stuck in a go-nowhere situation. They drink to dull the pain.
The second episode was set in New Mexico and featured Charlie not only solving the murder of a Subway employee who had just won the lottery but also proving that a trucker was not a murderer. The mystery itself wasn’t that interesting (and really, since both episodes opened with showing us the murder being committed, it technically really wasn’t a mystery) but, again, the episode was entertaining due to Lyonne’s performance. Since this show is apparently going to reveal the identity of the murderer at the start of each murderer and then show how Charlie eventually learns the truth, it’s important that the lead character be likable and interesting. As much as I hate to admit it, the commercials were right. I like Charlie Cale.
South Park (Wednesday Night, Comedy Central)
“Written by Trey Parker and ChatGPT.”
I loved this week’s episode, mostly because it confirmed that ChatGPT is going to eventually transform the world into a cold, barren place where people have no appreciation for art or literature. It’s not a happy vision of the future but at least we’ve been warned so it won’t be too much of a shock.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Sly breaks hearts and hurts feelings! And maybe he learns a lesson.
Episode 4.7 “Secret Admirer”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 4th, 1995)
This episode opens in Pacific Coast High’s state-of-the-art computer lab!
After accidentally deleting a love poem that Mark has spent weeks working on, Sly spots a student named Lynn awkwardly asking people to come to her sweet sixteen party. Realizing that Lynn comes from a wealthy family, Sly decides that the Dreams have to play that party! The only problem is that Sly has known Lynn since kindergarten and he’s spent that entire time making fun of her weight. Lynn cannot stand Sly.
Can you feel the hatred?
Sly, having learned nothing from being put on trial last week, steals one of Mark’s love poems and slips it into Lynn’s locker. “Wow, a secret admirer,” Lynn says. Then Sly pops up and starts trying to flirt with her. At first, Lynn refuses to believe that Sly is being serious but, slowly, he wins her over. And what happens here is kind of interesting. As Sly eventually figures out, it’s not that Lynn believes him as much as she wants to believe him because she has absolutely no self-esteem. Even after Lynn hires the Dreams and pays them $2,000, Sly still feels guilty. He feels so guilty that he gives up the money.
This was not the first Peter Engel-produced show to figure its lead character going out with a someone who weighed a bit more than Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Saved By The Bell actually used that plot a few times. On Saved By The Bell, Zack got sold in a date auction to a girl who wasn’t his type and the audience screamed in shock. But this episode of California Dreams is different from Saved By The Bell in that it is more on the side of the girl than on the guy pretending to like her. Sly does a terrible thing and, when he realizes it, Michael Cade does such a good job of playing Sly’s guilt that the viewer really does feel like Sly is probably never going to forgive himself.
That’s a good thing. That said, this still isn’t a particularly strong episode. The actress playing Lynn delivers all of her lines in the same flat manner and there’s a rather annoying B-plot about everyone thinking that Mark’s love poem was written for them. (That’s another plot that was used and reused on Saved By The Bell.) Sly learned a lesson about making fun of people but I doubt it will last….
Episode 4.8 “Old”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 11th, 1995)
Sly makes fun of a bunch old people and then has a dream where he’s old and all the members of the band make fun of him! He then wakes up and visits an old man in the hospital. So, basically, Sly learned the same lesson that he should have learned in the last episode and in the episode before that. Some people just don’t ever learn!
That said, by the time this episode aired, Michael Cade had really grown as an actor and he’s convincing as both an old man and an obnoxious teenager.
Next week, in another story borrowed from Saved By The Bell, Tony gets an operation! The fun never ends when you’re surrounded by surf dudes with attitude and feeling mellow.
To be honest, I think the Oscars pretty much peaked when Bradley Cooper and Lay Gaga performed on stage together. They should have just ended the whole thing there because that was the last great Oscar moment. Instead, the Oscars continued and subsequent years so not only the COVID Oscars but also The Slap Oscars. Luckily, for the stars of A Star Is Born, we’ll always remember them this way.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!
This week, the Brady Bunch celebrates disco! This, by the way, was the very first episode of The Brady Bunch Hour that I ever came across on YouTube. It was such a bizarre 70s time capsule that I knew that, someday, I would have to watch and review every episode of the series.
So, let’s get to it!
Episode 1.8
(Dir by Jack Regas, originally aired on April 25th, 1977)
As always, things begin with the Kroftettes doing a kickline before diving into the pool. The announcer introduces the members of the Brady Bunch and tells us that tonight’s guest stars include Rip Taylor, Ann B. Davis, The What’s Happening Kids, and Rick Dees.
The Bradys come out and sing Get Ready, a song that was only 11 years old when it showed up on this show. (That’s definitely an improvement on the songs from the 1920s that the Bradys were originally singing on the show.) It must be said that the Bradys actually perform the song with some energy. None of them appear to be able to carry a consistent tune but at least they’re trying to come across as if they’re excited to be there. That said, it’s also hard not to notice that both Robert Reed and Florence Henderson have a distracting habit of looking straight at the camera while performing and the Brady kids all tend to look down at their feet whenever they have to dance.
Greg gets a solo in the song while Carol gets to chant, “That’s right.” From what I’ve read about the series, Florence Henderson apparently signed onto the show specifically because she thought it would lead to her becoming a Barbra Streisand-style star and it must be said that she delivers “That’s right,” with so much intensity that she sometimes seems as if she’s about to attack the cameraman. Indeed, all of the Bradys have so much energy that the performance comes across as almost desperate. It’s like when you’re appearing in a play and the first act doesn’t go well so, at the start of the second act, everyone starts enunciating a little more harshly and barking out their lines in attempt to get the energy flowing again. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but you still get the feeling that someone backstage told the Bradys to step it up or face cancellation.
Following some Kroftette water ballet, we get the usual bit of Brady banter. Carol enthusiastically welcomes “America” and tells us to “get ready because here we come!”
Mike adds, “Welcome back to another Brady Bunch Hour!” but it’s hard not to notice that Mike is so out-of-breath following that performance that it appears he might faint at any moment.
“60 minutes of songs and swimming with America’s wettest family,” Greg says with a big smile that suggests he knows exactly what he’s saying.
The family explains that the Kroftettes both sing and swim. Mike says that he didn’t realize that the swimmers and the dancers were the same people. The Kroftettes are in the pool so we don’t get to see how they react to all of this. I’d like to think that they all held up their middle fingers in solidarity. Power to the dancers!
“I never met a music cue I didn’t like!” Carol announces and the family starts dancing again as Mike struggles to catch his breath.
We then cut to an absolutely terrifying image. Carol is wearing baggy pats, carrying a cane, and there’s a jaunty hat on her head. She sings Walk Right In and is eventually joined by the other Bradys, who are all dressed in the same style. They do an elaborate, vaudeville-style dance to Walk Right In, a song that was originally recorded in 1929.
After the performance finally wraps up, Carol tells Mike that she found her old high school yearbook. Mike, who is once again visibly out-of-breath, tries to feign interest. (Carol shows him a picture of her as a cheerleader. “I recognize those pom poms!” Mike replies, in a tone that suggests that the joke may have gone straight over Robert Reed’s head.) Carol wonders if their kids enjoy school as much as they did. Mike mentions that Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy have it tough because they have to go to school on the set.
We then cut to Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy, all sitting in a classroom and looking bored. Jan says she’s sick of school and considering that Rip Taylor is their substitute teacher, who can blame her? (Actually, considering that Rip says he’s going to teach them movie trivia, it seems like he might be the coolest teacher ever!) Suddenly, the kids from What’s Happening!!! come into the classroom and explain that they’re now in the class. Then, Patty Maloney, an actress with dwarfism, comes into the classroom, pursued by a police officer who assumes that Patty is a student despite the fact that Patty was nearly 40 when she appeared on this show. Cindy explains to the officer that Patty is an actress and not a Brady.
We then cut to Greg, who happily explains that he’s not singing this week. The audience applauds. Greg jokes that he’s not going to get mad because he’s excited about introducing one of his favorite people. The audience applauds. “Will you shut up!?” Greg snaps and, to his credit, Barry Williams actually wrings some laughs out of Greg’s growing frustration. Finally, Greg introduces Alice the Maid, who proceeds to sing Thank God I’m A Country Girl while dancing with someone wearing a gigantic cowboy outfit.
It’s weeeeeeeeeeird.
It gets weirder.
After the song, a visibly out-of-breath Alice thanks everyone and says that she figured it was just her turn to take a try at singing. Alice catches her breath long enough to tell us that something big happened at the Brady Compound.
What happened is that Peter, Jan, Cindy, and Bobby invited the What’s Happening!!! Kids to the come home with them after school and they promised their friends a guest role on the show. They discuss doing a skit about a magic potion. Fred “ReRun” Berry pretends to drink a magic potion and starts to dramatically twitch, while Fake Jan watches with a nervous look on her face. ReRun the announces that he …. WANTS TO BE O.J. SIMPSON! ReRun starts running around the living room and jumping over the furniture. Fake Jan drinks her fake potion and starts to sing The Sound of Music. Peter suggests that he would drink his potion and become a waterfall. This all goes on for so long that it’s hard not to wonder just what exactly is in those imaginary potions.
Mike and Carol finally get home and demand to know why the kids from What’s Happening!!! are in the living room. Fake Jan explains that the Brady kids invited the What’s Happening!!! kids to be on their show. Mike and Carol look worried and then say that it’s time for the What’s Happening!!! kids to go home. Mike leaves to drive the guests back to their studio. Carol order the Brady kids to sit on the couch and sternly tells them that there’s no room for the What’s Happening!!! kids on this week’s show but that she would have totally voted for Obama a third time if she could have. (Seriously, it’s kind of hard not to notice that Mike and Carol had no problem with Rip Taylor, Rich Little, Lee Majors, and Farrah Fawcett all dropping by the house unannounced but they freaked out as soon as they say saw the What’s Happening!!! kids in their living room.) Carol tells Peter that he’s going to have to “tell the What’s Happening!!! kids that they can’t be on the show.”
The show goes to commercial. When it comes back, Carol and a coked-up Marcia are standing on stage.
“Hi,” Marcia says, “stay tuned for the second half of the Brady Bunch Hour.”
“Excuse me, Marcia,” Carol says, “this is the second half of the Brady Bunch Hour.”
“That’s good, this is going to be much better than the first half,” Marcia says, before dismissing the first half as being sad.
“Marcia’s a part of the now generation,” Carol explains, “They’re always honest and always tacky.”
Why was so much of the humor on the Brady Bunch Hour based around the kids being condescendingly corrected their parents? Carol, for her part, seems to be taking tonight’s show extremely seriously. Maybe she’s still nervous about the What’s Happening!!! kids living in the same neighborhood as her family.
Speaking of which, Marcia says that she feels sorry for the What’s Happening!!! kids. Carol blames it all on Peter and then tells us to just watch so that we can see what happened when Peter told them they couldn’t be on the show.
It turns out that Peter summoned the What’s Happening!!! Kids to the Brady Compound so he could tell them they couldn’t be on the show. The What’s Happening!!! Kids show up and show off their impersonations of the Bradys. Cindy is shocked by how boring the imitation of her is. Peter finally tells them that they can’t be on the show. That What’s Happening!!! Kids are not amused, declaring that this is the “Same old story!” that they always have to deal with whenever they want to appear on someone else’s show. Guilt-stricken, Peter announces that he’ll find a way get the What’s Happening!!! Kids on the show.
We then cut to the main stage, where Greg is taunting Peter about how he’s going to get pushed in the pool. The What’s Happening!!! kids come out and Peter announces that Greg is going to be pushing all of them into the pool. (If Peter was smart, he would have just had the What’s Happening!!! Kids push Greg in the pool.) The What’s Happening!!! Kids respond by shoving Peter in the pool and then introduce “Mr. Disco, Rick Dees!” Rick Dees, who was best-known for a song called Disco Duck, performs a song called Disco Gorilla.
We then cut to Mr. Merill, who now wants to be called Mr. Merillo, opening up his own pizza place. Bobby apparently now works for him as a pianist but Mr. Merrillo also expects him to help serve the customers. Mike and Carol come by the restaurant and Carol yells that she came to Merillo’s to see Bobby play and not to watch him serve pizza.
Bobby starts to play the piano but Patty Maloney and a construction worker come into the restaurant and start to have a loud conversation. Carol demands that Mr. Merrillo tell them to be quiet so that she can hear Bobby. (Is it just me or is Carol kind of being the absolute worst this week?) Mr. Merillo refuses to say anything so Carol demands that Mike do something. Mike says that the construction worker is too big for him to deal with so Carol confronts them herself. It all leads to a huge food fight which …. ugh. I feel bad for whoever had to clean up the stage after this scene.
Having gotten a pizza dumped over their heads, Patty Maloney and the Construction Worker leave. Than the Brady kids shows up. Carol brags about how she and Mike put two blue collar workers in their place. (For all of her complaining about not being able to hear Bobby play, Carol hasn’t stopped talking since entering the restaurant.) A biker (played by Bruce Vilanch) also shows up. He tells Mike and Carol to shut up so he can hear the piano. Mike then picks a fight with the biker, even though the biker actually want to hear Bobby play the piano.
Anyway, this goes on for seven minutes and it’s followed by Carol oversinging a song called This Masquerade. This Masquerade was only five years old when it showed up on The Brady Bunch Hour. As always, Florence Henderson has a good voice but there’s something a bit too studied about her performance. There’s no personality to her version of the song. It’s a bit dull.
It’s time for the finale! But only Mike and Carol are on stage. Carol explains that the kids aren’t out there because they wanted to save all their energy for the disco-themed finale. Mike is shocked, wondering how the kids think that Mike and Carol are going to have enough energy for the finale.
“They think that we can have six of them, there’s just no end to our energy,” Carol says, “They think we’re bionic.”
“Maybe they’re right,” Mike says.
“Maybe they’re wrong,” Carol replies.
Uhmmm …. what? Is Carol saying that she and Mike don’t have the energy for the finale? Or is she claiming that she and Mike are bionic?
Anyway, it’s time for the disco finale and again, you have to see this for yourself:
Cocaine was very popular in 1977.
Technically, this was not a good episode but it was still oddly fascinating. It represented not only everything that didn’t work about The Brady Bunch Hour but it also represents everything that makes it impossible not to watch this very odd show. Everything about it is so wrong that it becomes undeniably entertaining to see just how much stranger things could get.
Next week, everyone will struggle to catch their breath as the Brady Bunch Hour comes to an end!
