Holiday Spirit: Santa Claus (dir by Rene Cardona)


Today’s holiday movie is …. well, it’s a little bit odd.

Santa Claus is many things but, for the purposes of this post, Santa Claus is a 1959 Mexican film that reminds us that before he became an advertising icon, Nicholas Claus was a Catholic saint.  According to this film, St. Nick also apparently lives in outer space with a bunch of singing children.  His best friend is Merlin and he apparently gets along with Vulcan, the Roman God of fire, as well.

Perhaps angered by the way that Santa is beloved by children of all races and figures of all mythologies, Lucifer orders a little demon named Pitch to go to Earth and turn the children against Santa.

So yeah, Santa Claus is really weird.  However, if you’ve ever wanted to see a movie where Santa is revealed to be a God-like action hero who holds the fate of the world in his hands, this is the film for you!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.17 “Winner Take Love / The Congressman Was Indiscreet / Isaac’s History Lesson”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, things get awkward as we set sail on The Love Boat!

Episode 1.17 “Winner Take Love / The Congressman Was Indiscreet / Isaac’s History Lesson”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on January 28th, 1978)

It’s the most awkward cruise ever!

A beauty contest is being held on the ship!  The winner becomes Ms. Pacific Princess and, along with getting a lot of money, she also sacrifices a year of her life so that she can go on free cruises and promote the Pacific Princess line.  Along with being beautiful, the winner is also expected to be “virtuous.”  Of course, judging from The Love Boat, the cruise line seems to specifically cater to people who are desperately looking to get laid so the rules seem to be a bit hypocritical.

The head of the contest, Waldo Linden (Graham Jarvis), recruits Captain Stubing to act as host.  Unfortunately, after Stubing gets a few laughs from the jokes that Waldo has written for him, the Captain turns into a prima donna.  He starts punching up the script on his own.  Waldo, however, has even more to worry about than the captain.  Suzy (Maureen McCormick), one of the contestants, is secretly traveling with her boyfriend, Rick (Bobby Sherman).  When Waldo tries to disqualify Suzy for not being “virtuous,” another contestant, the klutzy Jeanette (Priscilla Barnes), asks that Waldo help her zip up her dress and, after Waldo kisses her, she points out that Waldo hasn’t been living up to his own standards.  Due to Jeanette’s blackmail, Suzy is allowed to compete and she wins!  But then she refuses the crown so that she can marry Rick and, as a result, Jeanette becomes Miss Pacific Princess.

While that’s going on, scandal-plagued Congressman John Whitcomb (Dick Van Patten) falls in love with Robin Brandt (Vickie Lawrence).  What the Congressman doesn’t know is that Robin works for a tabloid newspaper and Robin’s editor expects Robin to report on whether or not allegations of an affair are going to led to Whitcomb resigning his seat. 

All of that is certainly awkward but it’s nothing compared to the third storyline.  Almost everyone loves passenger Virgil Gibson (played by the engaging Scatman Crothers), who is always the life of the party and who loves to make people laugh.  The only person who doesn’t like him is Prof. Stephanie Hayden (Vernee Watson), who is on the cruise to work on a study about African-American history.  Hayden feels the Virgil is acting like a fool and playing into all of the demeaning stereotypes that white people have about black people.  Hayden encourages Isaac to learn more about his background and soon, Isaac is being rude to Virgil and telling him not to call people “boss.”

Captain Stubing notices this.  He approaches Isaac — while Isaac is working — and says, “I notice you’ve been reading a lot of black history.”

AGCK!  As soon as the very white Captain Stubing says those words to Isaac, the cringing begins.

Stubing goes on to explain that Virgil was a pitcher in the Negro Baseball Leagues and that, if not for him, blacks would never have made it into the major leagues.  “And I wouldn’t be serving drinks on this cruise,” a remorseful Isaac says.  “And I wouldn’t be teaching,” Stephanie agrees.  Stubing goes on to explain that Virgil is acting the way he acts because that’s the way blacks were expected to behave when Virgil was a young man.  After being chastised by the ship’s white authority figure, Isaac and Stephanie agree that they were wrong to judge Virgil.

And, in many ways, Captain Stubing does have a point about judging people and Isaac and Stephanie were being a bit harsh in their dismissal of Virgil.  But that doesn’t change the fact that this episode features the extremely white Captain Stubing explaining black history to not only the ship’s only black employee but also a black college professor who has spent her entire academic career researching and writing about black history.  Stubing is essentially telling two black people how they should interpret and feel about black history.  It’s incredibly weird to watch and one has to wonder why the writers thought that Stubing — as opposed to Virgil himself — was the correct character to explain Virgil’s past and Virgil’s character.  It just doesn’t feel right, at all.

That said, there was a lot to like about this episode.  Scatman Crothers shows the same charm here that he showed in The Shining.  As cringey as Captain Stubing is when he lectures on black history, the plotline of him turning into a diva was actually pretty funny and Gavin MacLeod seemed to be having fun playing up the pompous side of the character.  The beauty pageant subplot was dumb but Maureen McCormick actually gave a pretty good performance as Suzy.  This episode had its moments though, in the end, it will always be defined by the awkwardness.

 

Holiday Spirit: An American Christmas Carol (dir by Eric Till)


On Christmas Eve, a miserly businessman is visited by a series of ghosts who help him understand the true meaning of Christmas, along with showing him a frightening vision of a possible future.

And that businessman was named …. Benedict Slade!

Yeah, the name’s have been changed and the action has been updated to Depression-era New England but this is basically the story of Scrooge.  Henry Winkler stars as the Scrooge character in the 1979 made-for-TV movie.  His old age make-up was done by none other than Rick Baker!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.1 “Homecoming/The Sheikh”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we begin season two of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.1 “Homecoming/The Sheikh”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 16th, 1978)

The second season of Fantasy Island begins with a bizarre mishmash of tones.

As usual, there are two fantasies.  The first fantasy features David Birney as Alan Boardman.  As Mr. Roarke explains it, Alan served in Viet Nam.  He was horribly burned in battle and captured by the Viet Cong.  He spent years, as an amnesiac, in a POW camp.  In the United States, he was reported to have been killed in action.  Finally, he was released from the POW camp and he underwent extensive plastic surgery.  He now looks completely different than he did in his past life.  It was only after the plastic surgery that Alan remembered who he was.  He also remembered that he had a wife (Lynda Day George) and a son (Ronnie Scribner).  Alan comes to Fantasy Island, hoping to be reunited with his family.  However, there’s a complication.  Alan’s wife has remarried and she still believes Alan to be dead.  Alan meets his wife and his son but he has to pretend to be a stranger.  Alan must decide whether to reveal his true identity or to accept that his wife has moved on and now has a new life.

Wow, that’s really dark!  It’s an extremely serious story, one that ends on a bittersweet note that will leave no one truly satisfied.  David Birney and Lynda Day George both give intense performances as they struggle to come to terms with the horror of the Vietnam War….

Meanwhile, the other fantasy features Arte Johnson as Edgar, a meek school teacher who wants to be a sheikh with a harem.  Seriously, that’s his entire fantasy.  Of course, once he becomes a sheikh, he discovers that his servant (played by Sid Haig) is a part of a conspiracy to murder him.  It also turns out that a member of the harem is actually one of Edgar’s fellow teachers, Yasmine (Georgia Engel).  Yasmine’s fantasy was for Edgar to finally notice her so Roarke’s solution was to force her to be a member of a harem!  (Really, Mr. Roarke?)  This fantasy is played for laughs and the comedy is extremely broad.  It’s somewhat jarring to go from David Birney obsessing on the war to Arte Johnson grinning at the members of his harem.  It’s such a tonal mismatch that it makes it difficult to get invested in either fantasy.

While all of this is going on, Tattoo is feeling depressed and suffering from ennui.  Mr. Roarke solves this problem by giving Tattoo a tiny car that he can drive around.  In this episode, Mr. Roarke doesn’t seem to openly dislike Tattoo as much as he did during the first season so I’ll be interested to see if that trend continues.  Reportedly, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not have the best working relationship but, in this episode, Roarke and Tattoo actually seem to have a vague respect of one another.  It’s a change of pace.

Anyway, this episode doesn’t work because the fantasies don’t really mesh well.  However …. SID HAIG!

Holiday Spirit: Beyond Tomorrow (dir by A. Edward Sutherland)


After three eccentric businessman arrange for a young couple to get together right before the holidays, a plane crash kills the three men.  However, their ghosts remain on Earth to watch over the couple and to take care of some unexpected holiday business.  The film is a holiday film and a comedy and a romance and a musical and a ghost story and a melodrama and finally an oddly sincere meditation on life and death.

From 1940, here’s Beyond Tomorrow!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.3 “First Game Of The Season” and 3.4 “Fighting Words”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

We’re part of the team, never alone….

Episode 3.3 “First Game of the Season”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 20th, 1997)

I hope this episode isn’t stupid, I thought as First Game of the Season began.

My hopes were dashed immediately as the episode opened with Teddy begging his teammates to sign his underwear for luck.  This was followed by Coach Fuller discovering that the new assistant principal was his ex-fiancée.  (“Whoooooo!” the audience said.)  Then Michael went crazy because the first game of the season was going to be against his former team, Lynwood High.  Michael started pressuring everyone during practice and even encouraged them to skip study hall so that they could practice some more.  That led to the team getting detention.  (Seriously?  It’s freaking study hall.  Everyone skipped study hall when I was in high school.)  The team nearly lost to Lynwood until Michael set his ego aside and blah blah blah,  Anyway, the final score was Deering 57 and Lynwood 56.  Yay!

(As usual, the actors playing the Lynwood team were convincingly athletic, even if they looked more like football players than basketball players.  Why did this show never realize that casting athletic actors as the rival players only highlighted how much the main cast struggled when it came to convincing the viewer that they were basketball stars?)

While all of this was going on, the Lynwood cheerleaders launched a prank war on the Deering cheerleaders.  Mary Beth immediately pressured Kristy into retaliating.  This is why I like Mary Beth.  She is a force of chaos who continually encourages other people to escalate their behavior without ever running the risk of getting in trouble herself.  Anyway, in this case, it leads to Kristy stealing the principal’s dog.  And technically, that’s a crime and it never makes sense that Kristy is allowed to keep the dog a the school but you know what?  The little bulldog was cute and he got to wear a lot of Wishbone-style costumes.  That was fun,

Episode 3.4 “Fighting Words”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 20th, 1997)

This episode begins with the Tornadoes playing yet another game.  Danny is struggling on the court and, from the stands, a bully taunts him.  Normally, we would look to Coach Fuller to kick the guy out of his gym but …. OH MY GOD, COACH FULLER’S NOT THERE!  Instead, there’s some short white guy that we’ve never seen before and he’s coaching the Tornadoes!  It turns out that Coach Fuller has the mumps and will not be in this episode.  I assume that means Reggie Theus had better things to do than show up for filming.  I don’t blame him.

Anyway, realizing that he has a bully after him, Danny learns karate.  However, his sensei tells him that karate is not used for fighting.  Karate is used for discipline.  When the bully dares Danny to a fight, Danny refuses to fight and proves that he’s the bigger man.  All the students applaud him.  Yay, Danny!  Of course, in real life, backing down from a fight is a humiliation that would have followed Danny for the rest of his life.

While that’s going on, Kristy dates a cute but dumb boy named Joey.  Joey is played by …. OH MY GOD, IT’S SCOTT WHYTE FROM CITY GUYS!  This episode aired during the first season of City Guys, back when Scott Whyte still had good hair.  There’s not really much to the Kristy/Joey storyline.  Kristy pretends to be dumb to get Joey to like her.  Eventually, she realized she would rather be smart so she dumps Joey.  Joey doesn’t care because he’s cute.  That’s pretty much it.

This was an oddly pointless episode, one that almost felt like it was written by a TNBC AI program of some sort.  Coach Fuller would never have allowed this type of nonsense.

Holiday Spirit: Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny (dir by Richard Winer)


The year is 1972 and Santa Claus’s magic sleigh is somehow stuck on a beach in Florida!  Can the children help Santa free his sleigh?  If not, he’s going to force them to listen to another fairy tale!  Fortunately, the Ice Cream Bunny is always willing to help …. eventually.

Patrick says this is the worst holiday movie ever made.  Watch it and see if you agree!

Retro Television Reviews: A Very Brady Christmas (dir by Peter Baldwin)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1988’s A Very Brady Christmas!

In A Very Brady Christmas, America’s creepiest family reunites for the holidays.

Mike and Carol Brady (played by Robert Reed and Florence Henderson, of course) have finally got their house to themselves!  The children have all moved out.  A few have even gotten married and started families of their own.  Mike is still an architect, though he now has a mustache that, along with his gray hair, makes him look more like a retired porn actor.

With Christmas approaching, Mike and Carol have each been secretly saving up their money to give the other a trip.  Carol knows that Mike loves Greece.  Mike suspects that Carol would love to go to Japan.  In the end, though, they realize that they would much rather have the entire family come together for Christmas!  They buy tickets for everyone.  Of course, what they don’t know is that each of the Brady kids has an issue of their own.

For instance, consider the youngest of the Brady kids.  Cindy isn’t even herself anymore, mostly because Susan Olsen declined to return for the reunion and Jennifer Runyon was cast in her place.  Cindy is away at college and she’s upset that she has to cancel her plans to go skiing just so she can spend the holidays with her family.  Meanwhile, Bobby (Mike Lookinland) has dropped out of college so that he can race cars on the NASCAR circuit but he hasn’t told his parents yet!  Of course, if Bobby never tells them, he can just keep pocketing that sweet, sweet tuition money.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) is upset because his girlfriend is his boss and she makes considerably more money than he does.  Jan (Eve Plumb) is secretly separated from her husband but, because it’s the holidays, they agree to pretend to still be together so that Mike and Carol don’t get upset.  Greg (Barry Williams) has grown up to be a smarmy doctor but he is upset that his wife will not be joining him for Christmas with his parents.  And Marcia (Maureen McCormick) is trying to keep everyone from discovering that her loser husband has lost his job.

And let’s not forget Alice (Anne B. Davis)!  Alice finally married Sam The Butcher but their marriage is on the rocks….

Could the Bradys be more cursed?

Luckily, Mike and Carol are pretty good at uncovering problems and fixing things.  (Except, of course, for that time that Mike never figured out that Marcia was acting strange because she wanted to surprise him with his father of the year prize….)  Unfortunately, Mike is a bit distracted because his latest building was constructed with cheap material.  When an earthquake causes the building collapse, Mike takes it upon himself to rescue two trapped workers.  (Most of this takes place off-screen, of course.)  When an aftershock hits, it seems like Mike might never emerge from the tomb that he helped to design.

Much like the show that inspired it, A Very Brady Christmas is painfully earnest and …. well, it’s a little dumb.  Of course, the main appeal of The Brady Bunch was always the unapologetic mix of earnestness and stupidity but it’s a bit different when all the Brady kids are grown up and they’re still acting just as dumb as they did when they were younger.  Robert Reed looks annoyed.  Florence Henderson is trouper and gives it her all.  With the notable exception of Maureen McCormick, none of the kids grew up to be particularly good actors.  (In all fairness, Barry Williams is likable when he makes fun of himself but, in this film, he’s somewhat stiff as the most successful of the Brady kids.)  That said, the family singing a Christmas carol while waiting to discover whether or not Mike is dead is one of those moments that is somehow both silly and effective at the same time.  It’s pure Brady Bunch.  To quote Tony Montana, it’s the yayo of nostalgia.

A Very Brady Christmas aired in 1988 and was enough of a rating success that it actually led to the Brady Bunch being (briefly) revived.  Today, it’s impossible to watch the movie without imagining Gary Cole and Shelley Long as Mike and Carol Brady.  Even the collapse of the building is no longer an effective dramatic moment due to it being referenced in The Brady Bunch Movie.  When Mike does emerge from that collapsed building, you half expect him to say, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

In the end, the Bradys have a merry Christmas.  I hope you have one too!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 12/11/22 — 12/17/22


I did a lot of binge watching this week so the list below probably less impressive than it actually is.  Anyway, here’s some thoughts on what I watched this week:

California Dreams (YouTube)

Yay!  I’ve finally reaches season 3, which is what most people consider to be the start of “classic” California Dreams.  I like season 3 because it’s the season that introduces the character to whom I most relate, Lorena.

Casey Anthony: Where The Truth Lies (Peacock)

I finally watched the Casey Anthony documentary on Peacock.  This was basically a three-episode interview with Casey and the creepy weirdos who have been supporting her since she got away with murdering her daughter.  Whoops, did I just show my bias?  Oh well.  Casey claims that she has spent the last ten years in hiding but now, she’s finally ready to tell her story and try to get people to blame her father for Caylee’s death.  Of course, as many people have pointed out, Casey has frequently been seen at bars, concerts, and protest marches over the past ten years so I’m not really sure I’m buying into her social anxiety argument.  Nor am I buying that Casey suddenly decided that it was time to present her side of the story.  We all know that she got paid to appear in this documentary.  Time are tough, especially when your claim to fame is that you probably got away with murdering your daughter.

Here’s a few thoughts I jotted down:

Casey cries a lot but she never actually gets any tears in her eyes.

Casey does a lot of performative cursing whenever she’s trying to convince the viewer that she was treated unfairly but it all sounds forced.

If nothing else, Casey obviously understands the power of presenting yourself as being a victim in today’s society.

After her acquittal, Casey was more or less adopted by two older men and two older women who worked on her defense team.  The scenes in which they all meet and tell Casey how proud they are of her are creepy.  One gets the feeling that Casey played on their paternal and maternal instincts in much the same way that she tries to manipulate the people watching the show.

The documentary makes one valid point, which is that the case against Casey was made up largely of innuendo and appeals to emotion.  But then, the entire third episode uses the exact same technique to smear George Anthony as being a pedophile and a murderer.  The documentary mentions that neither George nor Casey’s brother chose to respond to Casey’s accusations against them but, to be honest, why should they?

A few cops are allowed to explain why they think Casey is guilty.  As opposed to when Casey speaks, they don’t get the benefit of heroic music playing in the background during their interviews.  As well, there are no animated recreations of the police’s theory of what happened.  Casey, however, not only tells her side but is helped by animated recreations of her story.

Not mentioned during the program was the claim that lead defense attorney Jose Baez told one of his investigators that 1) he was sleeping with Casey and 2) Casey had confessed to murdering Caylee.  Indeed, for all the time that the program spent detailing how the members of Casey’s defense team have “adopted” Casey, it appears that she’s no longer in contact with Jose Baez.

Also not mentioned was that a real-life woman named Zenaida Gonzalez received death threats due to Casey lying about where she had left Caylee.

I never thought I’d see a true crime documentary as one-sided and smarmy as A&E’s The Murder of Laci Peterson but Casey Anthony: Where The Truth Lies proved me wrong.  Shame on everyone involved and shame on me for watching it.

Don’t Pick Up The Phone (Netflix)

This disturbing, 3-part documentary from Netflix took a look at the so-called Strip Search Phone Call Hoaxes of the 90s and the early aughts.  For several years, someone repeatedly called fast food restaurants and, after claiming to be a cop, said that one of the female employees had been accused of theft and that it would be necessary for the managed to strip search them.  A lot of managers saw through the hoax and hung up but, disturbingly, a large number of them followed the orders of the caller.  (The film Compliance was based on one such call.)  This was a disturbing and sad documentary but an important one.  It took a look at what happens when authority is blindly trusted.  There’s very little people won’t do under the pretense of “just following orders.”

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!  And then I watched several more episodes, reviews of which will appear over the next few weeks.

Law & Order: SVU (Hulu)

After watching Don’t Pick Up The Phone, I watched a 2009 episode of Law & Order: SVU that was inspired by the Strip Search Caller.  Robin Williams played the caller.  It was a pretty uneven episode, as SVU tends to be sometimes.  Williams had some good moments but overall, it was a bit too heavy-handed.  At one point, Williams’s caller became a political activist and appeared on Morning Joe.  “Did you guys catch Morning Joe?” Captain Cragen asked his detectives and I had to laugh.  I’m sure blue collar New York cops schedule their entire day around catching the MSNBC lineup.

The Love Boat (Paramount)

I watched a few episodes this week.  Check out my latest review here!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I was surprised when Gabler won but the more I think about it, the happier I am with the result.  I wrote about the finale of Survivor at Reality TV Chat Blog!