October Positivity: Unidentified (dir by Rich Christiano)

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

All across America (but mainly in Texas and California) people are seeing bright lights in the sky and reporting that they’ve been abducted by aliens. Most of the abductees stop telling their stories after they are visited by mysterious men in black but enough are willing to talk about their experiences that eventually, Both Sides Magazine decides to do a story on it.

Keith and Brad are assigned to the story. Keith is a nice but mild guy who is skeptical about aliens but he’s determined to give everyone a fair hearing, The film suggests that this is perhaps because Keith’s a Christian, even though he doesn’t read his Bible every night and sometimes entertains doubts as to whether he’s truly going to Heaven. Brad, meanwhile, is a hardcore Atheist who is rude to everyone and believes in absolutely nothing. Brad hates the idea of having to do any stories that involve small town America. Go to Texas to talk to UFO abductees? That’s not Brad’s thing. (Brad is supposed to be very unlikable but the actor playing him looks a bit like Owen Wilson so it’s hard to hold anything against him.)

Still, Brad and Keith do talk to an auto mechanic who says that he was abducted. And then they talk to two Louisiana fishermen who were also abducted. Keith thinks that their experiences are worthy of a feature article. Brad vehemently disagrees. Fortunately, it turns out that the magazine’s religion editor, Darren, supports Keith.

Why is the Religion Editor so interested in UFOs? It’s not because he believes in aliens. (“The Bible doesn’t say anything about life on other planets,” he explains.) Instead, it’s because Darren thinks that the UFOs are actually being used by Satan to draw people away from God. He points out that most of the people who have been abducted are either not religious or heavily into the paranormal. Brad thinks that Darren’s full of it but, fortunately, a government informant shows up and reveals that not only is Darren correct but that the UFOs are going to be used as a way to explain away the Rapture!

As you probably guessed, this is a Rich Christiano film. First released in 2006, Unidentified was Christiano’s second feature length film and …. well, it’s not very good. On the one hand, you have to appreciate Christiano’s ambition and his attempt to make a sci-fi film on a low budget. On the other hand, Unidentified is painfully slow, poorly acted, and it’s hard not to notice that, for a major magazine, it appears that only six people work at Both Sides. Let’s just say that this film is no Spotlight when it comes to realistically portraying the life of a journalist. Darren makes it a point to try to convert everyone that he meets while investigating the story. Honestly, this seems like the type of thing that would get most journalists fired from a secular magazine. For whatever it’s worth, I do think the story itself had potential but the execution is definitely lacking. That said, the film does work in a reference to Orson Welles’s War of the Worlds broadcast. I’m not sure how Orson would have felt about that.

For the record (and since this review is running a little short), I personally don’t believe in UFOs but I have read several books about them. It amuses me that aliens are apparently always coming to our planet to tell us to stop being so war-like or to take better care of the environment. Hey, Mr. Martian — WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN PLANET!

Horror On TV: Ghost Story 1.13 “Time of Terror” (dir by Robert Day)

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s episode of Ghost Story stars Patricia Neal as a woman who wakes up one morning in a hotel and discovers that her husband is missing. She’s told that her husband checked out without her but no one will give her a straight answer as to where he went.

This episode was written by Jimmy Sangster, who also wrote several Hammer films. It originally aired on December 22nd, 1972.

Retro Television Review: City Guys 2.1 “Men Behind Bars” and 2.2 “Shock Jock”

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

It’s time for another school year at Manny High! The second season of City Guys opened with the video yearbook in the past and the school radio station in the future. It also featured Chris with the first of many unflattering haircuts. (It’s fully on display in the cast picture above.)

So, without further ado, let’s do it….

Episode 2.1 “Men Behind Bars”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 12th, 1998)

It’s time for a new school year at Manny High and it’s also time for City Guys to do a “fake ID” show! Apparently, in the 90s, fake IDs were the number one social problem amongst teenagers and, as a result, every single TNBC show did an episode about all the terrible things that can happen when you use a fake ID. The basketball players on Hang Time got suspended for using fake IDs. Zach Morris got yelled at by his mother for using a fake ID. I’m sure something terrible happened to the California Dreams as well, though I can’t remember what it was off the top of my head. Fortunately, I’m reviewing the show on Saturdays so I guess I’ll find out eventually.

On City Guys, Chris and Jamal end up going to jail.

Chris and Jamal just wanted to use the fake IDs to get into a fund-raiser with Tyra Banks. But, when they got caught with them, they were thrown behind bars. Not wanting to call their parents, Chris and Jamal called Al and El-Train to bail them out. Of course, the show had already gone out of its way to establish that Al and El-Train were petty criminals so guess who got arrested when they show up at the jail? (El-Train pretended to be a lawyer, which was too stupid to be believed but at least it allowed for some Steve Daniel humor.) Needless to say, Chris’s new pageboy haircut made him very popular in jail.

Meanwhile, at a school auction, a tutoring session with Dawn and Cassidy is purchased by Bed-Stuy’s Vinnie and Rocco. The show acts as if this is a fate worse than death but do you know who didn’t end up in jail because of their fake IDs? Vinnie and Rocco, that’s who!

“Trying to meet Tyra Banks wasn’t worth all this!” Jamal declares in his prison cell, guaranteeing that he will never be invited to guest judge America’s Next Top Model.

Anyway, don’t touch the fake ID, kids. They’re just not worth the trouble and, if you’ve got the right attitude and if you know how to turn on the charm, you can usually talk people into not checking your ID in the first place. A friendly smile is worth a hundred fake IDs.

Episode 2.2 “Shock Jock”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 19th, 1998)

Manny High Radio is back on the air!

That’s right, Manny High had its own radio station. So did Bayside on Saved By The Bell. So did the high school from California Dreams. I bet Hang Time had its own radio station as well. In the 90s, dusty high school radio stations were as familiar a sight on Sunday morning television as teens trying to get into a club with a fake ID. Seriously, how do these students have time to run a radio station and go to class?

Anyway, Chris and Jamal become the station’s new DJs, presumably because last season’s video yearbook collaboration went so well. However, Chris and Jamal do not bother to learn all of the broadcast regulations, which leads to them playing a forbidden rap song about how much school sucks. The school board tries to shut the radio station down so, just as happened on Saved By The Bell and California Dreams, the students get dressed up, attend a school board meeting, and save the radio station! Of course, before that, Chris and Jamal try to start a pirate radio station, broadcasting as “The Voice.” Amazingly, no one realizes that Chris and Jamal are “The Voice,” despite the fact that they were the two DJs who caused Manny High Radio to get shut down in the first place.

The main problem with this episode is that it was hard to imagine anyone getting excited over Chris and Jamal’s radio program. Maybe teenagers in 1998 really were as impressed with Good Morning Vietnam call-outs as Peter Engel seemed to believe. Who knows? But, to me, I think most people would change the station or turn down the volume as soon as they heard that, “Good moooooooooorning, Manny High!”

Horror Film Review: The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (dir by Nicolas Gessner)

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First released in 1976, The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane tells the story of Ryann Jacobs (played by Jodie Foster, who was thirteen years old when she made this film).

Rynn lives in a small New England town, in a house that her father has leased for three years. It’s been a while since anyone has seen Rynn’s father. Rynn always tells everyone that he’s either out of town or that he’s busy in his study and can’t be disturbed. When the friendly local policeman (Mort Schuman) expresses some doubt about Rynn’s claim that her father is working, Rynn says that her father is a drug addict, like all of the great poets.

Rynn’s main problem is with the Halletts. Cora Hallett (Alexis Smith) owns the house in which Rynn is living. Cora drops by regularly, haughtily demanding to see Rynn’s father. Her creepy son, Frank (Martin Sheen), also makes a habit of visiting. He’s not interested in Cora’s father. Instead, he’s interested in Cora. Everyone in the town knows that Frank is a perv but no one is willing to do anything about it. He’s protected by his mother’s money.

One day, when Cora drops by, she insists on going into the basement. She says she has something down there that she needs to retrieve. Rynn tells her not to go down there but Cora refuses to listen, which turns out to be a huge mistake. Cora screams at what she sees down there and then falls to her death. With the help of her only friend, Mario (Scott Jacoby) an aspiring magician who walks with a limp, Rynn covers up the murder.

Mario turns out to be a very good friend, indeed. Not only does he tell people that he’s seen Rynn’s father but he even stands up to Frank when he shows up at the house, searching for his mother. However, as it soon becomes clear, Frank isn’t one to give up so easily….

The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane is an interesting hybrid of a film. It definitely does have elements of horror. The running theme throughout the film is that Rynn might kill people but it’s all the adults in her life who are truly monstrous. Frank is truly a monster and Martin Sheen gives a remarkably intense and creepy performance in the role. Frank is the type who will say that worst things imaginable and then smirk afterward, confident that he’ll never have to face any sort of justice for his crimes.

At the same time, the film is also a coming-of-age-story and a teen romance. Rynn and Mario are two outsiders who find each other. You like both of them and you want things to work out for them, even though you spend almost the entire film worried that Rynn might end up poisoning Mario. Foster and Jacoby share some genuinely sweet scenes. Things would be just fine, the film seems to be saying, if all of these stupid adults would just mind their own business.

The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane is an effectively creepy and sometimes even sweet little film about a girl who occasionally has to kill people. Keep an eye out for it!

October Positivity: Time Changer (dir by Rich Christiano)

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2002 movie, Time Changer, tells the story of Russell Carlisle (D. David Morin). Russell is a bible professor who has written a book called The Changing Times. The Changing Times encourages everyone to live a good, moral life but it doesn’t specifically state that they should live a good, moral life because Jesus says so. Dr. Norris Anderson (Gavin MacLeod) argues that the book will actually not lead people to become better but will instead lead them away from Christianity by convincing them that all they have to do is be nice. Carlisle disagrees.

Luckily, Anderson just happens to have a time machine in his basement! When Russell comes over to discuss the book, Anderson suggests that Russell go into the future and see just how changed the world has become. Mostly to humor Anderson, Russell agrees and steps into the machine.

And suddenly, Russell Calirlise is in the year 2002!

What does Russell discover? He learns that even movies about good people still feature things that he finds objectionable. He discovers that even people who go to church don’t always live a perfect life. In 1890, Russell was shocked to learn that the divorce rate was 5% so you can only imagine how he reacts when he goes to 2002 and continually runs into people who talk about their ex-wives. Russell also gets upset when he hears some teenage girls talking about sneaking out of the house and going on an unchaperoned date. The horrors!

To be honest, there’s been a lot of movies that have told similar stories to Time Changer. Someone from the past comes to the “present,” and is shocked to discover how much the world has changed. Time Changer is unique that it’s totally on Russell’s side and essentially argues that we would all be better off if we still embraced the culture of the 1890s. If that sounds a bit preachy, that’s because it is a bit preachy. Interestingly enough, the film has no trouble having Russell explain how he, as someone from 1890, feels about dating, entertainment, and honesty but it leaves out how an 1890 man like Russell would have viewed women or people of color. Russell is shocked by the casual use of bad language but, conveniently for the film’s efforts to make him a sympathetic character, he doesn’t raise an eyebrow at suddenly finding himself in a multiracial society. It’s easy to argue for a return to 1890 morality when you ignore everything that was bad about the 1890s.

That said, the film has a few intentionally amusing moments, even if they’re exactly the type of moments that you would expect to see in a film about time travel. (For example, Russell finds himself fascinated by a light switch.) D. David Morin gives a likable performance Russell and the scene where Anderson hurriedly explains how time travel works as a nice little satire of the genre. It’s far too preachy to really be effective but Time Changer is not a total waste of time. That said, I would far rather live in 2022 than 1890.

Horror on TV: Ghost Story 1.12 “Creature of the Canyon” (dir by Walter Doniger)

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of Ghost Story, Angie Dickinson plays a widow who is haunted by the ghost of her late husband’s Doberman. Agck! I’m scared enough of real Dobermans without having to deal with one that is undead!

This episode originally aired on December 15th, 1972.

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Revealer (dir by Luke Boyce)

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Taking place in 1980s Chicago, Revealer tells the story of two seemingly different women.

Angie (Caito Aase) is a stripper who spend most of her day in an incredibly sleazy peep show booth. The men that she dances for are a collection of grotesque pervs. (Keep an eye out and you’ll notice a sign warning that “wet dollar bills” will not be accepted. Ewww!) Angie is under no illusions about where she’s working or who is paying to watch her but she needs the money. She’s putting up with a lot of crap in order to giver her nephew the type of stable life that she’s never had and, understandably, she doesn’t have much patience for anyone who would judge her for it.

Sally (Shaina Schrooten) is someone who spends almost all of her time judging. For weeks, she has been leading protests in front of Angie’s place of employment. As soon as Angie shows up for an extra shift, she is confronted by Sally. Sally claims that Angie is “a harlot” who is leading people down the path of sin and damnation. Angie says that Sally is just jealous because she’s never truly live her life.

Together …. they solve crimes!

No, actually, they don’t. Instead, they find themselves forced to deal with some theological issues when a horned demon unleashes an army of snakes on the world. Angie is trapped in her peep show booth, with no way to get out. Sally, fleeing from the demons, ends up outside the same booth. Sally is convinced that the apocalypse has begun. Angie just wants to get back to her nephew. Despite their differing views and their initially antagonistic relationship, Angie and Sally are going to have to work together in order to survive. Along the way, hidden truths are revealed. Angie and Sally learn that they’re not so different and they even start to become friends. But does that matter, considering that the world apparently ended in 1987?

I had a mixed reaction to Revealer. On the one hand, there’s something wonderfully subversive about setting a film about the end of the world in the distant past. If nothing else, it keeps the viewer off-balance. (I was reminded a bit of how 2001’s Donnie Darko predicted that the world would end in 1988.) As well, the two leads both did a good job with their characters, adding depth and nuance to two roles that could have easily become clichés. In the role of Sally, Shaina Schrooten gave an especially good performance. I wasn’t particularly shocked when Sally revealed her big secret but Schrooten’s performance still made the scene effective.

On the negative side, the snakes were frightening but the demon who controlled them obviously fell prey to the film’s low budget and looked a bit less impressive. As well, the script itself was often overwritten. Sally and Angie’s constant debate over religion felt more than a little heavy-handed. (I mean, it’s easy to win an argument when the screenwriter is on your side.) Even more importantly, they tended to disrupt the flow of the film. Too many scenes stopped dead in their tracks so that Sally could quote the Bible and Angie could get upset about it. Since neither had anything to say about their beliefs that hadn’t already been said in a hundred other movies, their arguments were occasionally a bit dull, despite the best efforts of Caito Aase and Shaina Schrooten.

Revealer was uneven, though the ending was certainly effective and both of the lead actresses did a good job bringing their characters to life. Watching the film, I wondered if maybe the world did end in 1987 and the rest of us just haven’t noticed yet.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.6 “The Joker Is Mild / Take My Granddaughter, Please / First Time Out”

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

The Love Boat 1.5 “The Joker Is Mild / Take My Granddaughter, Please / First Time Out”

(Dir by Richard Kinon and Alan Rafkin, originally aired on October 29th, 1977)

This week’s cruise is all about remaining true to yourself!

For instance, Julie makes what appears to be a big mistake when she agrees to let a washed-up comic named Barry Keys (Phil Foster) do a show in the ship’s lounge. Throughout the cruise, Barry gets on everyone’s nerves with his old-fashioned jokes and his vaudeville stylings. Captain Stubing gives Julie an annoyed look whenever Barry starts to speak. Julie knows that her career is on the line but she made a promise. And Barry, it turns out, know what he’s doing. When it comes time for his performance, he asks for a stool so that he can sit in the middle of the stage and talk about the generation gap. (“Let’s rap, as the kids say,” Barry says.) Hooray! Barry has revived his career and Julie still has a job.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Warner (Ruth Gordon) is determined to find a husband for her granddaughter, Shirley (Patty Duke, who spends the entire episode looking as if she’s wondering how she could go from winning an Oscar to this). Shirley would like to hook up with the pleasantly bland Dave King (played by Tab Hunter). Mrs. Warner wants her to go out with Dr. Bricker! In the end, Shirley stands up for herself, as any single 30 year-old should. (To be honest, I thought Patty Duke’s character was closer to 40 but that’s mostly the fault of whoever in the costume department decided to make her wear some of the least flattering outfits available.) It’s all for the best. Dave is a nice guy and Doc has an exam room full of pornographic magazines to take care of.

Finally, a group of college students board the ship with one mission in mind. They want their friend Dan (Robert Hegyes, who has a truly impressive head of hair) to lose his virginity. Dan, it turns out, is not only shy but he also has no idea how to talk to women. Fortunately, her runs into Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick) and it turns out that Marica likes shy, socially awkward guys with a lot of hair. Okay, technically Maureen is playing Barbara Holmes but seriously, we all know that Barbara was actually Marcia.

This was a majorly uneven episode. Barry’s revised act didn’t seem any funnier than his old stuff and it was kind of hard to sympathize with Shirley and her inability to make her own decisions. That said, Maureen McCormick and Robert Hegyes made for a cute couple and their storyline was the most satisfying of the episode. Personally, I think this episode would have worked better if Ruth Gordon had played Maureen McCormick’s grandmother as opposed to Patty Duke’s. McCormick was young enough that it would have been a bit less pathetic for her to be bossed around by her grandmother and one can imagine how Ruth Gordon would have reacted to McCormick picking hairy Dan over a doctor.

Oh well! The important thing is that everything worked out in the end and love won’t hurt anymore.

Book Review: The Sleepwalker by R.L. Stine

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

With the last R.L. Stine book that I read, I was really upset when a cat was killed in the service of the plot. In fact, I was so turned off that I pretty much just skimmed the book after the death of Mr. Jinx.

So, when I started reading 1991’s The Sleepwalker, I was understandably concerned with a black cat named Hazel made an appearance and started hissing at the main character. “Oh no,” I said, “not again!” Fortunately, Hazel not only survived the entire book but turned out to be a total badass! Hazel is exactly the type of cat that you want on your side. Not only will Hazel hiss at anyone who tries to go through your stuff but Hazel is also willing to use her claws if anyone gets out of line. Go, Hazel, go!

As for the rest of the story, Mayra is a teenager who is totally in love with Walker, who is this weird kid who is into magic. Unfortunately, Marya has a creepy ex-boyfriend named Link, who is also totally into magic. (Link, I should mention, has a sister named Stephanie who is — get this — totally into magic!) With Walker on vacation and Link acting all whiny, Marya gets a job working as a homecare assistant to old Mrs. Cottler. Mayra’s mom once worked for Mrs. Cottler and apparently, it’s good to keep these jobs in the family.

Mayra, however, soon comes to suspect that Mrs. Cottler is a witch! Afterall, Mrs. Cottler has a lot of strange occult-themed books and she also owns a black cat. (Yay, Hazel!) After one of Mrs. Cottler’s neighbors complains about her peach tree encroaching on his property, he suffers a broken hip. Soon, Mayra is having dreams about walking into the middle of a lake and, when she wakes up, she discovers that she has been sleepwalking! Could it be because Mrs. Cottler put a spell on her and is now trying to destroy her for some weird reason?

(Actually, considering that Mayra has dated two guys who are both into magic tricks and also how quickly Mayra jumps to the conclusion that Mrs. Cottler must be a witch, I think it’s far more probable that Mayra herself is using her interest in the paranormal as a way to deal with past trauma. I mean, it’s kind of remarkable that it never seems to occur to her that there might be a non-magic answer to all of her problems. I get the feeling that her belief in magic is her way of avoiding having to confront anything. That’s just my theory. For the record, I don’t believe in magic but I do enjoy reading about it.)

Anyway, even by Stine standards, this is a silly story. No one turns out to be who we originally believed them to be and it all links up to a mysterious death that occurred years before. This is one of those things where almost every issue in the book could have been resolved by people just not being stupid. But, and this is the most important thing …. HAZEL SURVIVES!

YAY HAZEL!

Book Review: Strange Crimes and Criminals by Carl Sifakis

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Are you familiar with the Astor Palace Riots?

In 1849, an English actor was selected to play MacBeth at New York’s Astor Place Opera House. Capt. Isiah Rynders, a politician who had built up a following by denouncing the rich as being wannabe Englishmen, claimed that an American actor should have been given the role and he led a protest outside the theater. When the play started, his followers pelted the stage with eggs and insults and the show had to be stopped. When another attempt was made to perform MacBeth a few days later, Rynders and his people returned. This time, the protest led to one of New York City’s biggest riots. At least 23 people died and over 130 were injured. The crowd attempted to hang the actor who played MacBeth but, fortunately, he was able to catch a train to Boston and then sailed back to England. This, of course, was not the only time that Shakespeare would be linked to violence in America. Abraham Lincoln would be assassinated by one of the country’s most popular Shakespearean actors, with some contemporaries alleging that John Wilkes Booth was inspired by Julius Caesar.

How about the 1857 police riots, which occurred when two different groups claimed the right to police New York City and spent so much time fighting amongst themselves that criminals were often allowed to go free in the confusion?

How about Kitty Ging, who was murdered by a man who claimed that another man had hypnotized him and ordered him to commit the crime?

Or the Lady Gophers, an all-female gang who developed a reputation for being tougher and more deadly than any of their male counterparts?

Or Carter Harrison, the most corrupt mayor in the history of Chicago? Everyone knew that Harrison was crooked but, when he was assassinated, the entire city mourned.

Speaking of Chicago, Chicago’s first official riot was in 1855, when the city ordered that saloons close on Sunday. It was called the Lager Beer Riot and it nearly destroyed the city.

Did you know about the attempt to abduct a school bus full of children and hold them for ransom? Did you know about Boston Corbett, the man who was celebrated for killing John Wilkes Booth but who then turned out to be a crazed religious fanatic who mysteriously vanished after performing a self-castration and then firing his pistols while standing in the gallery of the Kansas Legislature? Speaking of disappearances, whatever happened to Judge Crater?

Everyone knows about the Hatfield-McCoy feud but what about Texas’s far bloodier Horrell-Higgins Feud?

All of these crimes and many more are discussed in Strange Crimes and Criminals, which is an encyclopedia of the odd, the bizarre, and the illegal. Some of the entries are humorous. Some of them are disturbing. Some of them document man’s inhumanity to man. Some of them celebrate the spirit of people who refuse to let something like the law get in their way. It makes for interesting reading and, for the aspiring writer, it’s a treasure trove of inspiration.

It’s a strange world, isn’t it?