The original The House on Haunted Hill is a classic and one that we make it a point to share every Halloween. And since October is now halfway over, now seems like the perfect time to do so!
Be sure to check out Gary’s review by clicking here!
Enjoy Vincent Price at his best!
For today’s horror song of the day, we have the main title track for 1980’s The Shining. Composed by Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind, this music perfectly capture the ominous grandeur of the Overlook Hotel and the snowy mountains that surround it.
It’s also a great song to play at the start of any road trip. Scare the Hell out of your friends. It’s fun!
In 2017’s Two Steps From Hope, a family gets hit by tragedy upon tragedy. First, the eldest son is killed in a car accident, which leaves his sister struggling with guilt and his parents on the verge of divorce. In the split second necessary for that accident to occur, lives were changed forever. (If I seem to be harping on this, that’s because I’m still struggling to deal with the fact that my father was okay until he went to the store in May and was involved in the car accident that aggravated his Parkinson’s and ultimately cost him his life. If he hadn’t gone to the store on the day or even at that particular moment, he would probably still be alive today. I will admit that I spend a lot of time obsessing on this and I think it’s definitely changed the way that I react to just about everything.) Then, his sister starts to suffer from sudden nosebleeds, including having one while spending the weekend away at camp. When she returns from camp, she overhears her parents are arguing and, upset, she runs away. After she returns home, her health continues to deteriorate and it’s discovered that she is suffering from Leukemia.
As far as faith-based films are concerned, this one isn’t bad. It’s refreshingly non-preachy and it makes a sincere attempt to deal with grief in a realistic way and without offering up any quick solutions. The characters in this film are going to be struggling for a long time but at least they can draw strength from their faith and their bond as a family, albeit one that is currently in turmoil. That’s not a bad message and the actors play their roles with enough authenticity that the emotions ring true. The movie manages to handle potentially treacly scenes without allowing itself to fall into the trap of being overly sentimental. It’s a well-done film.
That said, the most interesting thing about the film is how it was made. The story was written by a group of teenage interns at Gaffer Media and those same interns made up the majority of the crew, giving them a chance to learn not only about filmmaking but also to make a film about teenagers that didn’t sound like it was written by an adult desperately trying to sound young. (Most faith-based films combine the worst dad jokes with absolutely the worst dialogue imaginable. Whenever I watch them, I always imagine the screenwriter scouring social media in an attempt to learn how people under the age of 18 talk. The end result is an overreliance on slang and a lot of scenes involving parents wondering why their children are so into their phones. “This new phone is totally on fleek!” the teenager will say while the parents exchange bemused glances.) The teenage crew (and I should note that this film was released seven years ago so none of them teenagers anymore) all did a good job. That is definitely something to be positive about.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!
This week’s episode is a change-of-pace as Ponch and Baker get off their motorcycles and go undercover!
Episode 2.16 “Pressure Point”
(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)
The limousine of wealthy industrialist Arthur Forbinger (Rudy Vallee) is ambushed by three cars and a motorcycle. The motorcyclist shatters both the back and the front driver’s side window and tosses an envelope into the backseat. Forbinger orders his driver to chase the motorcycle.
Ponch and Baker, enjoying a leisurely patrol through Beverly Hills, spot the limo speeding down the street and they decide to pursue it. When Forbinger finally tells his driver to pull over, Ponch and Baker demands to know why Forbinger was putting lives at risk. Forbinger lies and says that he was late to a meeting. In reality, Forbinger has just opened the envelope and discovered pictures of his granddaughter, Chris (Mary Crosby). The implication is that whoever broke his window can also get to Chris.
Despite Forbinger’s attempts at deflection, Ponch, Baker, and Cahill soon figure out what actually happened. Thinking that Forbinger is perhaps being targeted by a private security firm that scares rich people into hiring its guards, Getraer tells Ponch and Baker to get off their motorcycles because they’re going undercover. Ponch will pretend to be a diplomat from Argentina and Baker will be his driver.
Ponch is overjoyed to at the chance to pretend to be rich. He’s even happier when he meets Chris. Oh, that Ponch!
This episode was weird. It just doesn’t feel right for Ponch and Baker to not be on their motorcycles and the episode spent so much time with Forbinger and Chris that I found myself wondering if it was meant to be some sort of backdoor pilot for a primetime soap opera about the Forbinger family. Despite featuring quite a few chase scenes and a few dramatic crashes, this didn’t feel like an episode of CHiPs at all. Is there really a point to the show without the motorcycles?
The other problem with this episode was that the performance of Rudy Vallee …. well, it wasn’t good. I know that Rudy was a show business veteran when he did this episode and that he had been around for a while but he still gives a rather flat and lifeless performance. He delivers his lines as if reading them off of a cue card. (For all I know, he was reading them off of a cue card.) As for the rest of the guest cast, Mary Crosby is stuck with a nothing role while Guy Stockwell and Tom Troupe are a bit too obviously sinister as the duplicitous security men.
This episode went for a change of pace but it just didn’t work. Sorry, Highway Patrol.
Twenty-five years ago, six employees were murdered at Phantom Fun-World, an amusement park owned by August Ambrose (played Ari Lehman, best known for having played the young Jason Voorhees in the first Friday the 13th). Now, the park is reopening and there’s already people competing to be the new Phantom Fun-World mascot. Unfortunately, none of them get the job because they’re all killed by a hulking figure wearing a mask. For whatever reason, this killer seems to have a real issue with mascots.
Yes, there is a killer stalking Phantom Fun-World and that’s not good news for Andi (Celeste Blandon), who has taken a job working nights at the park. Andi needs the money to take care of her teenage brother, Cole (Jace Carson) and the job will give her a chance to hang out with her best friend, Collins (Spooky Madison). (It will also give her a chance to spend time away from her toxic mother.) Unfortunately, the killer has plans of his own and soon, Andi’s co-workers are dying and Andi is fighting to both protect Cole and to survive the night.
Despite the brevity of this review, I actually enjoyed Phantom Fun-World quite a bit. There’s nothing particularly unique about the plot. It’s a standard slasher film and the fact that it points out more than once that it’s a standard slasher film doesn’t change that fact. (Indeed, the slasher genre has been so influenced by Scream that it’s now more surprising when a film doesn’t deliberately draw attention to or comment on its use of all of the genre’s cliches.) But the film makes good use of the theme park location and the killer is a frightening one, both because of his mask and the fact that he seems to truly relish his work. Someone like Jason Voorhees kills because it’s the only thing that he knows how to do. He doesn’t seem to take any pleasure out of it. The killer in Phantom Fun-World is having the time of his life and that’s make him all the more frightening. The murders are well-directed and surprisingly brutal. Again, this is one intimidating killer.
It helps that the cast is likable. There’s really no one in this movie who does a bad job. The viewer likes everyone and, as such, there’s some actual emotional stakes to all of the mayhem. Celeste Blandon does an especially good job as Andi, making her a worthy protagonist without making her so perfect that she becomes a less-than-credible character. One of the reasons that the movie works is because Andi truly does make the same mistakes that anyone in her situation would make and, as a result, it’s easy to empathize with her and her desire to protect Cole.
Don’t get me wrong. Phantom Fun-World is a low-budget slasher film and there’s not a whole lot going on here that you haven’t seen in other slasher films. That said, it’s a well-done film and an appropriate way to spend 90 minutes during the Halloween season.
In 1984’s Blind Date, Joseph Bottoms stars as Jonathon Ratcliff, an American who works in Greece.
Jonathon would appear to have it all. He has a good job in an exotic land. He has a nice home. He has a beautiful girlfriend named Claire (Kirstie Alley). He has co-workers who love him so much that they insist on throwing him a birthday party and giving him his cake while he’s making love to Claire. Jonathon enjoys jogging and listening to music and spying on his neighbor, which the film treats as a harmless little thing that all men do. I mean, I guess we should be happy that Jonathon isn’t disguising himself as a taxi driver and murdering the women that he picks up with a scalpel. No, someone else is doing that.
Jonathon suddenly loses his eyesight. Fortunately, Dr. Steiger (James Daughton) has a solution. He’s created a computer program that turns sound into very primitive, grid-like images. As long as Jonathon is wearing his headphones, he can see … kind of. At first, it’s all good fun. Jonathon beats up the extremely flamboyant muggers who have been harassing him at the subway station. And he continues to spy on his neighbor whenever she’s getting undressed which is not cool considering that Claire has stayed with him through his entire ordeal.
Meanwhile, the scalpel murders are continuing….
Now, to be honest, I assumed that Jonathon was going to form some sort of mental connection with the killer and start seeing the murder through the killer’s eyes. Instead, Jonathon just hears the killer walking with one of his victims and he ends up investigating on his own, despite not really being able to see well. Basically, the whole idea of Jonathon being blind doesn’t have much to do with the thriller aspect of the plot. I could maybe accept that if the film hadn’t spent a huge amount of time explaining in pain-staking detail how exactly Jonathon’s “eyes” work. The action literally stopped for a huge chunk of the film’s running time so that the film could make its most ludicrous plot point seem even more ludicrous.
Greek director Nico Mastokaris is obviously trying to do an Argento-style giallo with Blind Date and, indeed, Argento himself has a noted habit of including intriguing but ultimately pointless red herrings in his films. Just as Asia Argento having the Stendhal Syndrome proved to be a bit inconsequential to The Stendhal Syndrome, Joseph Bottoms being blind is inconsequential to Blind Date. That said, Argento can get away with that sort of thing because, even in his weaker films, he’s clever stylist and he usually maintain a solid narrative pace. Blind Date, on the other hand, is rather draggy and Joseph Bottoms is not a particularly likeable hero.
On the positive side, James Daughton (he was the head of the evil frat in Animal House) gives a genuinely interesting performance and Kirstie Alley is likable as the neurotic Claire. For the most part, though, one can see why the sequel promised in the closing credits never came to be.
I read 1988’s The Lifeguard earlier today. It’s a fast read, which is always a good thing.
The book tells the story of teenage Kelsey, whose father has just died and whose mother is already getting ready to marry her new boyfriend, Eric. Personally, I think mom is moving a bit too fast but then again, Eric’s rich and he invites Kelsey and her mom to spend the summer on Beverly Island. Kelsey makes new friends. She meets the people who might soon become her stepsiblings. She develops a crush on two of her potential stepbrothers, shy Justin and the intimidating Neale. And she gets involved in a potential murder when Beth, yet another of Eric’s children, disappears. Did Beth drown or did she fall victim to the killer of Beverly Island?
This book was so silly. Can Kelsey solve the mystery? Even more importantly, can Kelsey decide which one of her future stepsibilings she wants to date? Justin seems nice but Neal is so dark and mysterious. Can Kelsey figure out why the mysterious old man keeps yelling at her? Could he be the killer? He seems like kind of an obvious choice but Kesley might as well go ahead and break into his boat just to be sure….
Apparently, this book is considered to be a bit of a cult classic, solely because of the cover. And the cover is pretty cool. The book itself is nothing special but I probably would have appreciated it more if I hadn’t already read countless old school YA books with the exact same plot. I can only guess the R.L. Stine read The Lifeguard at some point.
This book also wins some points from me for having a ludicrously “happy” ending. Everything works out even though, to be honest, nothing should have worked out. Kelsey should have been traumatized for life and whatever plans her mom had to marry Eric should definitely have been cancelled! Seriously, there’s some things that not even the best of relationships can survive! That said, the ending was so over-the-top and — here’s that word again — silly, that I couldn’t help but appreciate it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
This week, another friend of Crockett’s is in trouble!
Episode 3.3 “Killshot”
(Dir by Leon Ichaso, originally aired on October 10th, 1986)
Crockett and Tubbs are working undercover as Burnett and Cooper to take down drug lord Morales (Roger Pretto). Morales is one of the most powerful drug lords in Miami but he’s still not connected enough to know that Burnett and Cooper are undercover cops. I know that I bring this up nearly every time I write about this show but it just baffles me that Crockett and Tubbs are somehow still able to maintain their covers despite the fact that those covers have gotten blown in numerous episodes and Crockett makes no effort to act any differently when he’s pretending to be Burnett. At least Tubbs uses his fake Jamaican accent whenever he’s pretending to be Cooper. Crockett doesn’t even bother to change his suit before pretending to be Burnett.
That said, they’ve somehow managed to keep Morales from discovering that they’re cops. So, Morales instead focuses on manipulating a customs agent, Frank Ariolla (Carlos Cestero). Frank’s brother, Tico (Fernando Allende) is an up-and-coming jai alai player. (That’s the sport, prominently featured in Miami Vice‘s opening credits, in which the players use a wicker to both catch and launch a ball.) However, Tico also has a raging cocaine problem. In fact, the drug often leaves him impotent. When a prostitute suggests that Tico might not be attracted tp women, Tico goes crazy and blacks out. When he wakes up, the prostitute appears to be dead and madam Isabel Batista (Maria Duval) says she’ll protect Tico for a price. Frank has to work as a double agent or Isabel and Morales will send a tape of Tico attacking the prostitute to the police.
(For the record, the prostitute was only pretending to be dead as a part of a plot to frame Tico. But then Isabel had her killed for real.)
Trying to protect his brother, Frank agrees to work for Morales. But when a guilt-stricken Tico makes a mistake during a match that leads to him getting killed when he’s stuck in the head by the ja alai ball, will Crockett and Tubbs be able to stop Frank from taking his own violent vengeance on both Morales and Isabel? As you probably already guessed, this is yet another Miami Vice episode the ends with a freeze frame and an off-screen gunshot as Crockett yells, “No!”
If there’s one thing that has stayed consistent over the first three seasons of Miami Vice, it’s that it does not pay to be a friend of Sonny’s. From Jimmy Smits getting blown up in the pilot to Ira Stone dying last week to Frank throwing his life away to avenge his brother in this week’s episode, anyone who has ever been close to Crockett seems to end up having terrible luck. I’m stunned that Tubbs has managed to survive for as long as he has.
As for this episode, Crockett and Tubbs both seemed to be sidelined in favor of the story of Frank and Tico. It’s always weird when Crockett and Tubbs become supporting characters on their own show. Carlos Cestero and Maria Duval both gave good performances, which is good because it helps to distract from the fact that Morales is a fairly dull villain and Tico is not a particularly compelling character. For the most part, this episode works best as a commercial for ja alai, which looks a hundred times more exciting than most sports. Certainly, its fast action and the constant danger of sudden death makes it the ideal sport for Miami.
The 1978 film, Killer’s Delight, opens with the usual beautiful shots of San Francisco in the 70s. It’s a lovely city, full of attractive people with their entire lives ahead of them. The camera lingers on the Golden Gate Bridge. If your movie doesn’t feature the Golden Gate Bridge, is it really set in San Francisco?
A van drives through the city and into the countryside. My first instinct was to think, “Oh, that’s definitely a rape van,” and yes, it is. (Seriously, don’t ever accept a ride from someone with a van. Actually, you shouldn’t be hitchhiking to begin with! Shame on you!) The owner of the van, Danny (John Karlen), pulls over to the side of the road and tosses a naked woman’s body over the side of a cliff.
AGCK!
Now, I have to admit that Killer’s Delight (which is known by about a dozen other titles, including The Dark Ride) is a film that I’ve tried to watch several times but I’ve always struggled to make it all the way through. That’s not because of the subject matter, though as a woman who once thought of herself as being invincible, I could certainly relate to many of the women who appeared in this film and made the fatal mistake of getting in that van. No, the reason why I’ve always struggled with Killer’s Delight is because it’s a slow movie. It’s not necessarily a bad film but it’s not one to watch if your eyelids are already starting to feel heavy.
This is an early serial killer film, made before it was decided that every killer should be portrayed as being an erudite and witty anti-hero. Instead, the film’s killer is a loser named Danny (John Karlen) who has never gotten over his childhood and who, when he’s not killing, is busy sobbing. It’s certainly a more realistic portrayal of a serial killer than anything that one might find in any of the films or books about Hannibal Lecter. Danny has two skills. He’s good at disguising himself and he’s fairly good at getting rid of bodies whenever there’s no one else around to see him. Otherwise, he’s a total loser. This realistic portrayal actually makes Danny into a very scary character. You’re never going to meet Hannibal Lecter in real life. That’s one reason why it’s so easy for some people to accept his crimes. However, there are hundreds of people just like Danny out there. There’s probably at least a few in your city right now.
The majority of the film is taken up with Sgt. Vince De Carlo (James Luisi) and his attempts to prove that Danny is the killer. Vince is married and very protective of his daughters. He’s also having an affair with a psychiatrist (Susan Sullivan) who runs the potential of becoming one of Danny’s victims. Vince becomes obsessed with Danny but, much like Charles Bronson in Ten To Midnight, he knows that the justice system does not know what to do with a monster like Danny.
As I said, it’s a slow film but it is well-acted and, if you stick with it, it does cast an ever-growing atmosphere of doom. It’s the type of film that will make you double-check the locks before you go to bed.
As for why this is a true crime film, it’s loosely based on the crimes of Edmund Kemper and Ted Bundy. At the time the film was made, Bundy was still at large. Killer’s Delight was the first film to be based on Bundy’s crimes, though Danny ultimately has more in common with Kemper than with Bundy.
Poor Godzilla!
At the start of 1994’s Godzilla vs. Spacegodzilla, our favorite big green radioactive monster isn’t asking for much. Mostly, he just wants to live on his island and be left alone. He’s busy raising Baby Godzilla and he’s minding his own business. That’s one thing that people tend to forget when it comes to Godzilla. With the exception of the very early films, Godzilla is usually just minding his own business until he’s forced to go on a rampage by either aliens or humans. In this film, Godzilla has to deal with both.
There’s a SpaceGodzilla heading towards the Earth. Apparently, Godzilla cells were released into space during the epic battles that were featured in both Godzilla vs. Biollante and Godzilla vs Mothra. Those cells were exposed to the radiation of a black hole and the end result was SpaceGodzilla. SpaceGodzilla is coming to Earth to not only dethrone Godzilla as King of the Monsters but also to transform Earth’s core into a power source that it can use to do whatever it is that SpaceGodzillas do in their spare time.
After being warned by those two annoying little faeries that follow Mothra around everywhere, psychic Miki Saegusa (Megumi Okada) and some members of G-Force head to the island that Godzilla calls home. Unfortunately, the Yakuza follows them because the want to capture Miki so that they can use her psychic powers to control Godzilla and use him to …. well, I don’t know. I mean, yes, Godzilla is an awesome weapon but he’s really big and there’s always a lot of collateral damage whenever he gets into a fight and it seems like using him to commit any sort of Yakuza-style crimes would be a bit counter-productive. I mean, you can’t really extort businesses if they all get destroyed by Godzilla, can you? Plus, I just don’t see Godzilla agreeing to chop off the tip of his finger or get all of those Yakuza tattoos.
But listen, I’m thinking too hard about the plot here. Yes, there’s some stuff that goes on with the humans but that’s all forgotten as soon as SpaceGodzilla lands and abducts Baby Godzilla. Grown-up Godzilla is out for vengeance and it leads to some very dramatic fights. This film gives us a chance to see Godzilla fight, more or less, himself and it’s an entertaining sight. This is a bit of a campy film, even by Godzilla standards. It even ends with a warning that SpaceGodzilla might return if human don’t stop polluting space. (Uhmm …. talk to Mothra, she’s the one who sent all those cells up there.) But the important thing is that the battles are fun to watch and Baby Godzilla is adorable.
Who needs the Son of Godzilla when you’ve got this?
Previous Godzilla Reviews:
Through the Shattered Lens