Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.22 “The Gift”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Abe Vigoda and Brad Greenquist star as two criminals who discover that they have an unexpected visitor in the basement of their cabin.

Episode 2.22 “The Gift”

(Dir by Jeffrey Wolf, originally aired on May 20th, 1990)

Two low-life criminals, Sid (Abe Vigoda) and his protege, Kirby (Brad Greenquist), show up at a cabin in the mountains.  They have a rich kid named Jeffrey (Zach Overton) with them.  They’ve kidnapped Jeffrey from his exclusive private school and they are planning to hold him until they get paid several million dollars.

Wanting to keep the kid comfortable, Sid tells Kirby to look in the basement for blankets.  Kirby doesn’t find any blankets but he does a find a mysterious wolfman.  Kirby shoots the wolfman twice but the wolfman survives.  Kirby then chains up both Jeffrey and the Wolfman in the basement.  Kirby thinks that it might be a good idea to forget about the whole kidnapping scheme but Sid is determined to get the money.

In the basement, Jeffrey discovers that the Wolfman can communicate with him through telepathy.  The Wolfman introduces himself as being William (physically played by Carlos Lauchu, with a voice provided by John Michael Bolger).  William explains that he’s not a monster.  Instead, he’s just a man who, centuries ago, was granted magical abilities by an old traveler.  Now, William is over 200 years old.  He’s nearly immortal but he’s also lonely.  Jeffrey is the first person who has been willing to listen to William in a long time.

Jeffrey and William bonding in the basement is undeniably sweet but Sid and Kirby are still holding Jeffrey hostage and, as time passes, it becomes obvious that they’re planning on killing both Jeffrey and his new friend.  William explains that there is a way that he can ensure that Jeffrey will survive and that he’ll be able to defeat both Sid and Kirby.  But it will involve Jeffrey making a huge sacrifice of his own….

This episode was fairly dull.  When it started, I was hoping that the show would at least do a Ransom of Red Chief sort of thing and have Jeffrey turn out to be such a brat that absolutely no one would be willing to pay a cent to get him back.  I think that would have been more interesting than what we ended up with, an episode in which Jeffrey awkwardly bonded with a werewolf who could only communicate through telepathy because moving his mouth probably would have made the actor’s mask look even cheaper than it already did.  Abe Vigoda and Brad Greenquist were well-cast as the two criminals.  Vigoda, in particular, did a good job of portraying Sid’s outwardly calm but still ruthless demeanor.  Otherwise, this was a fairly dull episode that didn’t really do much with its potentially intriguing premise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher almost gets rich!

Episode 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 31st, 1981)

I have to admit that I groaned a bit when I saw that Florence Henderson was going to be one of the passengers on this week’s cruise.  I still haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of reviewing The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and, whenever Florence Henderson showed up on any of these shows, she always had to sing a song.  Florence wasn’t a bad singer but she wasn’t a particularly interesting one either.  I remember that she always seemed like she was trying too hard to be Barbra Streisand whenever she performed a song of the Brady Bunch Variety Hour.  Her version of Broadway and easy listening was always adequate without being very memorable.

And, on this cruise, Florence does sing.  She’s playing Annabelle Folker, a country singer who is hired to provide entertainment for the cruise.  She sing a few country songs and speaks with a thick (and not very convincing) country accent.  Annabelle is happy to discover that her childhood friend, Martin Correll (James Noble), is on the cruise with his uptight girlfriend and campaign manager, Barbara (Carol Lawrence).  Martin — or Blinky as Annabelle calls him — is thrilled to be reunited with Annabelle.  Barbara is less enthused and she eventually tells Annabelle that, if Martin is ever going to be a success in politics, he can’t spend all of his time with a country singer who says whatever pops into her head.  What’s weird is that Annabelle decides that Barbara is right.  She and Martin aren’t meant for each other.  Martin is too much of a career politician.  In the end, Martin leaves with Barbara and Annabelle leaves alone.  It was a weird story.  Annabelle came across like a stalker but Barbara wasn’t particularly sympathetic either.  Martin was just kind of wimpy.

Meanwhile, Marcy Crane (Randi Oakes) boards the boat with her father, Richard Simmons (Mason Adams).  Marcy’s just gotten a divorce and Richard is very protective of her.  At first, he’s concerned when she meets Dr. Jonathan Hunt (Frank Bonner), a veterinarian.  Once Marcy explains that she’s not going to rush into another relationship and she’s just looking for casual sex, her father gives the couple his blessing.  This was an oddly inconsequential story.

Finally, Gopher finds a bag that’s full of money!  After he counts the money, he discovers that he is now $47,612 richer!  (Adjusted for inflation, that’s the equivalent of $130,000 today.)  Or, at least, that’ll be the case if Gopher keeps the money.  But Gopher’s a good man at heart so, ultimately, he tells Captain Stubing about the money.  Stubing says that money will be Gopher’s if no one claims it at the end of the cruise.  And indeed, it turns out that the money was not lost by any of the current passengers.  Gopher’s happy until he spots a little old woman crying on the dock in Los Angeles.  She says that she took a cruise two weeks ago and lost a bag with her life’s savings.  Gopher gives her the money.  Awwwww!

This was a sweet story and it was kind of nice to see Gopher get a plotline.  Fred Grandy was a likable actor and I always like the episodes where Gopher reveals that he’s actually got a good heart underneath his goofy exterior.  This story did feature one rather silly fantasy sequence, in which Gopher imagined riding in a limousine with Stubing as his chauffeur, Julie as his wife, and Viki as a little beggar child.  It was kind of a weird fantasy, to be honest.

One good story out of three does not make for a great cruise.  I enjoyed Gopher’s plotline but the other two stories alternated between being dull and annoying.  This was not a great cruise.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.17 “Funny Man/Tattoo, The Matchmaker”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!  Smiles!

Episode 5.17 “Funny Man/Tattoo, The Matchmaker”

(Dir by George W. Brooks, originally aired on February 20th, 1982)

For the second week in a row, Julie only appears in the stock footage at the start of the episode.  And again, for the second week in a row, no mention is made of her.  Mr. Roarke doesn’t say anything about why she’s not greeting the guests at the docks.  Tattoo doesn’t seem to care.

This is actually a big episode for Tattoo.  It turns out that Tattoo has a side hustle going.  He’s running a computer dating service!  (This isn’t surprising.  During the early seasons of the show, Tattoo always had some sort of extra money-making scheme going on.)  He’s invited both Harriet Wilson (Laurie Walters) and Claudette Mills (Misty Rowe) to the Island so that they can be set up with the perfect future husband.  Usually, Roarke isn’t happy when Tattoo invites people to the Island on his own but this time, he doesn’t seem to be too upset about it.  He tells Tattoo that the two women and their fantasies will be his responsibility.  At one point, Roarke even mentions that Tattoo is in charge of overseeing all of the weddings that occur on Fantasy Island.  Does that include Mr. Roarke’s wedding from a few seasons ago?

However, there’s a problem.  Tattoo’s big computer has decided that both Harriet and Claudette should marry Mr. Roarke.  Tattoo and his business partner, Ambrose Tuttle (Skip Stephenson), think that the computer must be malfunctioning but Tattoo did promise the women that he would set them up with the most charming man on the Island and what better description is there for Mr. Roarke?

Mr. Roarke is not particularly amused to discover that he is now expected to marry two women who he doesn’t even know.  Considering the tragic ending of Mr. Roarke’s previous marriage, this isn’t a huge shock.  Roarke tells Tattoo that he has to find other husbands for both Harriet and Claudia.  Fortunately, Amrbose Tuttle is single and a former football player (Russ Francis) has also come to the Island.  Can Tattoo pull it off and help all four of these people fall in love?  To quote Mr. Roarke, “Indeed, he can.”  This is Fantasy Island!

Along with learning about Tattoo’s computer dating operation, we also learn about Tattoo’s favorite comedian.  Beau Gillette (Jimmy Dean) has built a successful career telling jokes about his redneck family.  What he’s never told anyone, including his fiancée (Vicki Lawrence), is that his family is imaginary.  Beau grew up in an orphanage and created his family in his head so he wouldn’t be lonely.  Beau’s fantasy is for his family to exist, just so he can introduce them to his fiancée.  Mr. Roarke suggests that it might be a better idea for Beau to just tell the truth but Beau’s like, “Nah, let’s just bring imaginary people to life.”

While Beau’s performing his act, Uncle Jack (Morgan Woodward), grandma (Jeanette Nolan), and cousin Lindy (Linda Thompson Jenner) all come to life.  The only problem is that they all know that they’re really imaginary and they’re not happy that Beau’s been thinking less about them and more about his fiancée.  They decide that Lindy should break up Beau’s engagement by seducing him.  And if they doesn’t work, they can just kill Beau’s fiancée….

Wow, that got dark!

Actually, this isn’t a very dark fantasy at all.  Both fantasies are played largely for laughs.  Beau, realizing that his imaginary family has been a crutch that he’s been using for too long, confesses that they don’t really exist and, as a result, they all fade away.  Beau’s free to get married and I guess come up with new act.  Yay!

Much like last week, this episode felt like a throwback to the early seasons of Fantasy Island.  Tattoo got a storyline and Mr. Roarke was heavily involved in the fantasies, as opposed to just being a bystander.  Both Herve Villechaize and Ricardo Montalban appeared to be having fun in this episode and, as a result, it was fun to watch, even if it was hard to buy into the idea the Beau Gillette’s rather anodyne jokes about his redneck family would have made him into a star.  Largely due to Tattoo and his computer dating service, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.20 “Quarantine”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, things get a little dull.

Episode 2.20 “Quarantine”

(Dir by Harvey S. Laidman, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

When a Korean teenager tries to stow away in the backseat of a car being driven by two women who freak out when they discover that he’s back there, it’s Ponch and Baker to the rescue.  They take the teenager back to the station.  Unfortunately, the teen, who does not appear to speak English, turns out to be extremely ill.  He’s rushed to a hospital and the station is put under quarantine.

That means that Baker, Sindy, Grossman, and Getraer are all stuck with each other.  (Ponch was lucky enough to get out of the station before the quarantine was declared.)  There are also two prisoners at the station, a man (Tom Poston) with multiple personalities and a young but witty criminal (Jody St. Michael) who wears a leather jacket and who is always looking for an excuse to crawl around in the air ducts.  Eventually, Harlan enters the station and ends up getting quarantined as well.  Oddly enough, the doctor who tells them that they’re quarantined is allow to enter and leave the station, despite not wearing any sort of protective gear.  For that matter, the two women who were in the car with the teenager are also allowed to leave.  This really isn’t much of a quarantine!

It’s also not much of an episode of CHiPs.  I know that I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about how, during its second season, CHiPs essentially became the Ponch show but I may have to stop doing that.  Ponch is barely in this episode and the end result is definitely the most boring episode of this show so far.  This is an episode that could have actually used Erik Estrada’s tendency to overact every single minute that he’s onscreen.  Larry Wilcox was definitely a better actor than Estrada but he’s so low-key that Baker’s just not that interesting when he’s left to his own devices.  One gets the feeling that Estrada would have totally gone totally overboard in portraying Ponch’s desire to leave the station but that would still have been more interesting than what we ended up with.

CHiPs is ultimately a show that’s about the joy of the California scenery and the excitement of driving a motorcycle down the highway.  It’s a show that works best when everyone is outside and on or in some sort of of vehicle.  With the exception of the opening scenes, this episode takes place almost entirely inside the station.  (And the station, it must be said, it not a particularly intriguing location.)  This episode fails because it goes against everything that makes CHiPs an entertaining show.  Fortunately, in the end, it turns out that the kid only had the flu and quarantine comes to an end.  Baker and everyone else is set free so that they can ride again.

 

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.7 “El Viejo”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Willie Nelson and Steve Buscemi guest star!

Episode 3.7 “El Viejo”

(Dir by Aaron Lipstadt, originally aired on November 7th, 1986)

Using their undercover identities of Burnett and Cooper, Crockett and Tubbs are attempting to take down a Bolivian drug lord named Mendez (Anwar Zayden).  Unfortunately, Crockett’s first attempt to bust Mendez does not go so well.  Their meeting, which is being held at a museum for some reason, is interrupted by a security guard.  In the resulting shootout, the security guard is killed and a green briefcase that’s full of cocaine is stolen by an old man named Jake Pierson (Willie Nelson).  Soon, Jake is attempting to contact Mendez himself, offering to bring him the briefcase.  Jake’s actions also bring him to the attention of Crockett and Tubbs, who both wonder why a 66 year-old Texan with no criminal record is suddenly trying to get involved in their drug deal.

Jake, it turns out, is a former Texas Ranger.  When he was younger, he was a legend.  He and his partner took down criminals like Bonnie and Clyde and protected Texas from Mexican revolutionaries who were preying on the border towns.  It’s been a while since Jack retired.  Now, he lives in a tiny apartment and spends most of his time thinking about the past.  He’s still a killer shot with a gun and knows how to handle himself in a fight.  But he also has a heart condition and, in fact, he would have died early on in the episode if Tubbs hadn’t given him his pills.  Crockett, for his part, idolizes the Texas Rangers, to an extent that almost seems out-of-character when you consider how cynical Crockett is usually portrayed as being.  Crockett is stunned that a former Ranger would be involved with running drugs.  Even though he’s pretending to be career criminal Sonny Burnett, Crockett still asks Jake about all of his adventures as a Ranger and does little to hide how impressed he is.

So, why has Jake gone over to the bad side?  Well, he really hasn’t.  It turns out that the son of his former partner was murdered by Mendez and Jake is looking to get revenge.  It all leads to a number of shoot-outs, including an exciting one that occurs on a Miami highway and an explosive finale at a cemetery.  Jake kills Mendez and his men but, in typical Miami Vice fashion, he takes a bullet himself and dies right after he reveals that he knew Crockett was a cop all along.

This episode features two notable guest stars.  Along with Willie Nelson, Steve Buscemi shows up in a small but memorable role as Rickles, who serves as a go-between for Crockett and Mendez.  Buscemi is as wonderfully weaselly as ever and, even though he’s a bit stiff as an actor, Nelson still brings a lot of Texas authenticity to the character of Jake Pierson.  Of course, in real life, Vice would have stopped Willie and searched his tour bus as soon as he entered the Miami city limits.  This is a pretty dark episode but it’s still amusing to watch iconic hippie stoner Willie Nelson play a cop, even if Jake is retired.

This was a good episode.  That Don Johnson and Willie Nelson were friends in real life is easy to deduce from witnessing how easily they play off of each other in this episode.  This is another episode where the bad guys are defeated but at the cost of a good guy.  Mendez will soon be replaced by another drug lord but no one will ever replace Jake Pierson.

 

Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 1.6 “Three Men And Adena”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, we finally meet the arraber.

Episode 1.6 “Three Men and Adena”

(Dir by Martin Campbell, originally aired on March 3rd, 1995)

This week’s episode opens with Tim Bayliss and Frank Pembleton preparing to interrogate Risley Tucker (Moses Gunn).  Tucker is the arraber who Bayliss believes is responsible for murdering Adena Watson.  Adena used to work for Tucker, helping him take care of his horse before her mother told Adena that she didn’t want her spending so much time with Tucker.  As Tucker himself puts it, people tend to view arrabers (men who sell fruits and vegetables from a horse-drawn carriage) as being nomads.  As Tucker himself is a recovering alcoholic who was previously charged with (but not convicted of) statutory rape, it’s understandable why Adena’s mother didn’t want her spending time alone with him.  It’s also easy to understand why Bayliss is convinced that Tucker is guilty.  Pembleton, meanwhile,  is not as convinced.

Bayliss and Pembleton have already brought Tucker down to the station three times and interrogated him.  Giardello also points out that Tucker has been interviewed a total of 10 times about the case and, if he’s not charged after his latest interrogation, he’ll have grounds for a harassment suit.  Bayliss and Pembleton have fourteen hours to interrogate Tucker one final time and try to get a confession out of him.  After fourteen hours, they have to either arrest Tucker or send him home.  Giardello says that regardless of what happens, Bayliss has to go back into the regular rotation after this interrogation.  Bayliss’s time of exclusively investigating the Watson case is coming to an end.

Tucker arrives at the station and Bayliss and Pembleton get to work, trying to manipulate him into slipping up and confessing.

Considering how much they initially disliked each other, it’s interesting to watch how smoothly Bayliss and Pembleton work together in this episode.  Bayliss takes on the role of the “bad cop,” flat out accusing Tucker of killing Adena and shoving what little evidence they have in Tucker’s face.  At first, Pembleton plays the “good cop,” asking Tucker about what it’s like to be an arraber before moving on to discussing Tucker’s alcoholism.  Tucker says that he hasn’t had a drink in sixteen months.  Even when Pembleton asks if it’s possible that he slipped up and had a drink and blacked out on the night that Adena died, Tucker insists that he hasn’t touched a drop in sixteen months.

Bayliss and Pembleton work well together but Tucker remains adamant that he did not kill Adena.  Even when Bayliss threatens to press Tucker’s face against a hot pipe, Tucker swears he didn’t kill Adena.  Even when Pembleton gets Tucker to admit that he had feelings for Adena, Tucker says he didn’t kill Adena.  Tucker defiantly demands to take a polygraph and he passes it.  Bayliss, knowing that polygraphs are inadmissible in court and are hardly reliable arbiters of the truth, tells him that he failed.  At one point, the emotionally exhausted Tucker says that he’s not even sure if he’s innocent or not anymore.  That’s as close as Tucker comes to confessing.

As the interrogation wears on, Tucker starts to fight back and it’s somewhat jolting to realize that he’s been aware of how Bayliss and Pembleton have been manipulating him from the start.  He accuses Pembleton of thinking that he’s better than other black people.  He accuses Bayliss of having a dark side, pointing out that Bayliss was prepared to torture him to get a confession to a crime that Tucker insists he didn’t do.  It’s obvious that, in both cases, Tucker has correctly read both men.  Pembleton and Bayliss react by ganging up on Tucker, bombarding him with questions.  Tucker breaks down and starts to cry but, as time runs out, he continues to insist that he didn’t kill Adena Watson.

In the end, Tucker ends up sitting in the break room, watching television and waiting for someone to take him home.  Bayliss packs up all of the evidence in the Watson case, knowing that he failed to get the confession that he needed.  Despite not getting the confession, Bayliss has finally won Pembleton’s respect.  Pembleton tells Bayliss that he now believes Tucker is guilty.  Bayliss admits that he’s no longer as sure as he once was.

It says something about the strength of this episode that I’m not fully convinced of Tucker’s guilt as well.  When the episode started, I was sure that the arraber was guilty.  By the time it ended, my feelings were a bit more mixed.  For all of the emotional turmoil that Tucker went through over the course of the interrogation, he remained adamant that he didn’t kill Adena Watson.  Tucker confessed to being an alcoholic.  He confessed to having gotten into fights in the past.  He confessed to having pedophiliac feelings towards Adena.  But the only time he even slightley wavered in his claim that he didn’t kill Adena was when he was so exhausted that he barely knew what he was saying.  As well, the evidence against him was almost entirely circumstantial.  Evidence was found that Adena had been in Tucker’s barn but there was no way to prove that she was there the night she died.  Tucker’s barn did mysteriously burn down after Adena’s murder but there was no way to prove that Tucker burned it down to hide evidence.  I suspect Risley Tucker probably was guilty.  But if I was on a jury, I’d probably have to say that, without a confession, there was too much reasonable doubt.

By the end of the interrogation, all three men are exhausted.  The viewer is exhausted too!  This is an intense episode, one that plays out like a particularly kinetic, three-person play.  Kyle Secor and Andre Braugher continue to prove themselves to be a brilliant team but, in this episode, they’re equally matched by Moses Gunn, who keeps you guessing as far as Risley Tucker’s guilt or innocence is concerned.  Gunn, who died a few months after this episode aired, gives a performance that leaves you feeling as conflicted about Tucker as the two detectives.  If Tucker is guilty, then he’s a soulless monster who has gotten away with murder.  If Tucker is innocent, then we’ve just spent 50 minutes watching an elderly, recovering alcoholic go through a truly Hellish experience.  As the episode ends, the viewer is aware that all three of the men will be changed forever as a result of the 14 hours they spent in the box.

This was an outstanding episode, one that ended on a note of sadness.  Adena Watson’s killer will never be caught.  If Tucker did it, he got away with it.  If Tucker didn’t do it, Bayliss and Pembleton’s obsessive pursuit of him means that the real killer is probably already far away from Baltimore.  Not every case gets solved and not everyone gets justice.  To quote Casino’s Ace Rothstein, “And that’s that.”