Film Review: Soap Opera (dir by Andy Warhol)


Directed by Andy Warhol, 1964’s Soap Opera features a plot that largely plays out in silence.

The silent, grainy black-and-white footage depicts what appears to be a love triangle between Warhol associate Rufus Collins, Sam Green, Ivy Nicholson, Gerard Malanga, and “Baby Jane” Holzer.  There’s a lot of kissing.  There’s a lot of slapping.  There’s a lot of scenes of our nameless characters giving each other suspicious and meaningful looks.  At one point, Jane Holzer makes what appears to be a very important phone call.  We don’t know who these people are or how they’re related but they certainly do seem to be intensely obsessed with each other.  The situations grow progressively more and more sexual and one gets the feeling that, if we could only hear the dialogue, we would have a chance to vicariously take part in a great melodrama.  Of course, the footage itself is so grainy that it’s sometimes hard to tell who is who.  Indeed, the characters often seem to be interchangeable.  That’s certainly true of real soap operas as well.  With new actors regularly stepping into old roles and one story’s hero becoming the next story’s villain, soap operas were all about accepting whatever was presented on the screen.  In real life, drama has real consequences.  In Warhol’s film and on television, melodrama is just something that happens without any real repercussions.

Janes Holzer in Soap Opera

Fortunately, the film provides a few breaks from the repetitive cycle of nonstop, grainy drama.  Sprinkled throughout the film are commercials breaks, featuring actual commercials that were supplied to Warhol by Lester Persky, an advertising executive who later found greater fame as a Broadway producer.  (He produced Hair, amongst other productions.)  In between scenes of Ivy Nicholson kissing Sam Green and Rufus Collins looking shocked, we get a serious of very happy and very loud commercials.  Indeed, after watching the silent and grainy soap opera footage, it’s a bit jarring to have an expertly staged commercial suddenly blare forth in crisp black-and-white.  An obnoxious salesman tries to sell us things to make our home better and our meals tastier.  Jerry Lewis shows up with a child and tells us to be sure to contribute money to his telethon.  Model Rosemary Kelly is introduced by an announcer who tells us that Rosemary is going to tell us about the greatest adventure of her life.  That adventure?  Not conditioning her hair for five days.  Amazingly, her hair is still full and lustrous!  Even after swimming and sleeping on it!  Not even a broken steam valve can make her hair look bad!  This commercial is so effective that it’s actually featured twice and why not?  Even I want to know Rosemary’s secrets and my hair always looks good!

Rosemary Kelly in Soap Opera

Warhol subtitled this film The Lester Persky Story, both to thank Persky for supplying the commercials but also to point out that the commercials were really the whole point of the show.  The plot of any show, whether it’s a real one or the one in Warhol’s film, really only exists to keep you watching long enough to see the commercials.  And it must be said that the commercials are the most interesting part of this film.  After watching the Soap Opera actors for ten minutes, it’s a relief when Rosemary Kelly appears and, with a big smile on her face, starts enthusiastically talking about her hair.  We all complain about commercials but we still accept them as a fact of life and, in the end, it’s usually the commercials that people remember and try to pattern their lives after.  I mean, there’s a reason why I’m still singing that “Nothing is everything” song from the Skyrizi commercials.

And now, let’s check out how Rosemary Kelly’s hair is doing in hurricane winds!

Rosemary Kelly in Soap Opera

 

Song of the Day: The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, performed by Gene Pitney


Since I already shared a scene from my favorite John Ford film, it seems only right that today’s song of the day should pay some respect to Mr. Ford as well.  Here is the theme song from 1962’s The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, performed by Gene Pitney.

When Liberty Valance rode to town
The womenfolk would hide, they’d hide
When Liberty Valance walked around
The men would step aside

‘Cause the point of a gun was the only law
That Liberty understood
When it came to shooting straight and fast
He was mighty good

From out of the East a stranger came
A law book in his hand, a man
The kind of a man the West would need
To tame a troubled land

‘Cause the point of a gun was the only law
That Liberty understood
When it came to shooting straight and fast
He was mighty good

Many a man would face his gun
And many a man would fall
The man who shot Liberty Valance
He shot Liberty Valance
He was the bravest of them all

The love of a girl can make a man stay on
When he should go, stay on
Just trying to build a peaceful life
Where love is free to grow

But the point of a gun was the only law
That Liberty understood
When the final showdown came at last
A law book was no good

Alone and afraid, she prayed that he’d
Return that fateful night, oh that night
When nothing she said could keep her man
From going out to fight

From the moment a girl gets to be full grown
The very first thing she learns
When two men go out to face each other
Only one returns

Everyone heard two shots ring out
One shot made Liberty fall
The man who shot Liberty Valence
He shot Liberty Valance
He was the bravest of them all

The man who shot Liberty Valance
He shot Liberty Valance
He was the bravest of them all

Songwriters: Burt F. Bacharach / Hal David

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.26 “Coven of Darkness”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, the second season comes to an end.

Episode 2.26 “Coven of Darkness”

(Dir by George Bloomfield, originally aired on June 12th, 1989)

Jack and Ryan have recovered a “witch’s ladder,” and they’ve put it in the vault.  However, Lysa Redding (Maria Ricossa) is a witch who wants the ladder back.  Lysa (and I do always enjoy hearing my name, even if it is misspelled) is the head of a coven that was connected to evil old Uncle Lewis.  Lysa performs a ceremony that causes Ryan to become possessed so Micki has to become a white witch so that she can battle the dark witches.

Now, I should mention that Micki has never had magical powers before.  In the past, she’s usually been the down-to-Earth skeptic of the group so Jack suddenly announcing that Micki is actually a powerful witch took me by surprise.  But anyway, Micki is able to use her powers to break Lysa’s spell.  It’s such a grueling experience that Jack says its possible that she’s used up all of her magic powers.  What?  Really?  I guess …. okay, I don’t know what to say about that.  They suddenly gave Micki magic powers and then took them away.

This was a weird episode.  Based on this episode and Prisoner, I’m going to guess the production was nearly out of money at the end of season two.  Coven of Darkness takes place over three different locations and it’s mostly just continual jump cuts between Lysa spellcasting and Ryan freaking out and Micki looking intense.  It all feels very cheap and basic and not at all like a typical episode of Friday the 13th.  Instead of using their wits to defeat evil, Chris and Micki use magic.  It just doesn’t feel right.

I’m going to guess, though, that this was an attempt to reboot the show for the third season.  I’ve seen enough of the third season to know that the reboot didn’t stick around but I can kind of see what they were going for.  With John D. LeMay not planning on being a part of the third season, it perhaps seemed like it would be a good idea to turn the show into the Micki Witchcraft Hour.  And it probably would have been interesting but it definitely wouldn’t have had the same feel as classic Friday the 13th.

This brings season two to an end.  It was, overall, a good season, though I think the show lost its way a little towards the end.  The introduction of Johnny Ventura was rather clumsily handled and a few too many episodes seemed to forget that the show was supposed to center on finding Lewis’s cursed antiques.  The highlight of the show was the chemistry between the three leads.  I’m curious to see how the upcoming season will play without Ryan.

We’ll find out starting next week!

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 1.9 “Hearts”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week, Dr. Ehrlich faints!

Episode 1.9 “Hearts”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on January 11th, 1983)

Ralph, the guy who thinks that he’s a bird, is now running around the hospital and checking in on patients and signing his name as “Dr. Bullfinch.”  I guess it says something about how big St. Elgius is that Dr. Chandler spends most of this episode asking people if they’ve ever heard of or met Dr. Bullfinch.  The show plays this for humor.  There’s only two problems.

First off, we’ve already done the fake doctor thing.  Dr. Craig spent three episodes searching for Dr. Barnum, the fictional doctor who Mark thought was interested in buying his car.  Since Chandler was a part of that whole practical joke, it surprised me that it didn’t occur to him that maybe Dr. Bullfinch also didn’t exist.

Secondly, Ralph is one of those character who was amusing at first but, after episode-after-episode of him disrupting the hospital and making the patients uncomfortable, I can’t help but feel that it’s time for Ralph to at least try to fly off into the sunset, even if it leads to him crashing to the pavement below.  Dr. Westphall tells Dr. Beale to keep Ralph locked up in the psych ward or else Westphall will send Ralph to a mental hospital.  I think Westphall should have just gone for it.  I mean, does Westphall not realize the legal jeopardy that the hospital is now in because of Ralph’s continued presence?

While that was going on, an overweight woman (Conchata Ferrell) checked into the hospital with stomach pains and was shocked to discover that she was pregnant and going into labor.  This was a heartbreaking story, largely due to the wonderful performance of Conchata Ferrell.  No one — from her father to the nurses at the hospital — has ever treated her with any sort of compassion.  In the end, she checks out of the hospital and abandons her baby in the maternity ward.

A new doctor (Dorothy Fielding) came to work at St. Eligius and — hey! — she has a romantic history with Dr. Samuels.  *Yawn*  Samuels is the most boring character on the show and I tuned out this storyline as soon as I realized he was going to be at the center of it.

Newly separated from his wife, Dr. White is having a nervous breakdown and has to abandon a patient so that he can cry in the stairwell.  Dr. Westphall offers him some heartfelt advice but you can tell that Westphall thinks that White doesn’t have what it takes to be a doctor.  I think Westphall is right.

Finally, an ill Dr. Erhlich tries to get out of assisting Dr. Craig with an operation.  Craig tells Erhlich to man up.  Erhlich faints during the operation.  Surprisingly, Dr. Craig is not angry with Ehrlich because, as he explains it, the important thing is that the operation was a success.  Seeing how sick Ehrlich has become, Craig tells Ehrlich to go home and get some rest.

“Do you have a car?” Dr. Craig asks.

“No, I usually ride the bus,” Ehrlich replies.

“Good,” Craig says, “you shouldn’t be driving in your condition.”

And I have to admit that exchange made me laugh.  William Daniels gives such a good performance as the arrogant yet talented Dr. Craig that you can’t help but love the guy, no matter how much of a jerk he is.  After knowing him best as the always compassionate Mr. Feeney on Boy Meets World, it’s been interesting to watch William Daniels play a character as thoroughly self-centered and vain as Dr. Craig.  On the drama St. Elsewhere, William Daniels often provides some much-needed comedic relief.  On the (very silly) sitcom Boy Meets World, Daniels was the dramatic relief.  It’s a strange world.

This episode had a few too many plotlines that I either didn’t care about or which felt a bit played out (like Ralph the Birdman).  It wasn’t St. Elsewhere at its best but William Daniels and Conchata Ferrell still saved the episode.

Song of the Day: Sister Morphine by Marianne Faithfull


Today’s song of the day comes to us, like our music video of the day, from the late Marianne Faithfull.

Co-written with Keith Richards and Mick Jagger, Sister Morphine was originally recorded by Faithfull in 1969 but her recording was initially banned in the United Kingdom due to the song’s drug-related content.  The Rolling Stones would go on to release a version of the song in 1971 and Faithfull would record and release the song a second time in 1979.

Here I lie in my hospital bed
Tell me, Sister Morphine
When are you coming around again?
Oh I don’t think I can wait that long
Oh you see that my pain is so strong

All the other patients say
They’ve never seen a man with such pain
Tell me, Sister Morphine
When are you coming round again?
Oh I don’t think I can wait that long
Oh you see that I’m not that strong

The scream of the ambulance
Is sounding in my ear
So tell me, Sister Morphine
How long have I been lying here?
What am I doing in this place?
Why does the doctor have no face?
Oh I can’t crawl across the floor
Can’t you see, Sister Morphine?
Just tryin’ to score

Well the actions go to show
Things are not what they seem
Please, Sister Morphine
Turn my nightmare into dream
Oh can’t you see that I’m fading fast?
And this shot will be the last

Please, cousin Cocaine
Lay your cool hands on my head
Hey, Sister Morphine
You better make up the black bed
‘Cause you know and I know
That you want me, I’ll be dead
You sit around and watch
The clean white sheets stained red

songwriters: Marianne Faithfull/Mick Jagger/Keith Richards

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.11 “Jonathan Smith Goes To Washington”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan invades the Senate.

Episode 3.11 “Jonathan Smith Goes To Washington”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on December 3rd, 1986)

Mark’s sister is getting married but her future stepdaughter desperately needs an experimental drug to survive a rare illness.  Unfortunately, the Senate is voting on a budget that will cut funding for experimental drugs.  So, Jonathan appears to Sen. Fritz McCorkindale (Eddie Albert) and pressures him to rewrite the budget.  Senator McCorkindale is reluctant until he learns that his grandson will also need an experimental drug.  So, it’s time to redo the end of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, just with Jonathan providing advice to the Senator in his effort to keep the budget he wrote from being put to a vote.  This is one of those episodes where no one else can see Jonathan but they can see the Senator talking to Jonathan and, for some reason, no one wonders why the Senator is talking to himself.

This episode was sincere, earnest, heartfelt, well-intentioned, and ultimately very, very cringey.  Michael Landon’s heart was undoubtedly in the right place but, and this might just be my civil libertarian side coming out, I’m not really comfortable with the idea of an angel telling a senator how to vote on legislation.  This was kind of like that episode where Mark inspires the President to sign an arms treaty.  It was just too naive to be effective.

On another note, Mark refers to his sister as being his only relative but it seems like Mark visits a new relative nearly every episode.  That type of sloppy writing didn’t occur often on Highway to Heaven so I’m going to guess this episode was written and filmed quickly, so deeply did Landon believe in the episode’s message.  Again, you can’t fault Landon for caring and trying to do good but this episode just felt rushed.

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 1.26 “The Triatholon”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, season one comes to an end!

Episode 1.26 “The Triathlon”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on May 23rd, 1999)

Stads wants to enter the Malibu triathlon but training for it is such hard work and, over the past few episodes, Stads has gone from being an athletic and likable go-getter to becoming perhaps the whiniest character to have ever appeared on a Peter Engel-produced teen sitcom.  Scott volunteers to help Stads train which freaks out Jason because Jason still has feelings for Stads.

First, Jason tries to train for the triathlon too but it’s too much work for him.  So, Jason arranges for Murray to occupy Scott at the restaurant on the night before the triathlon.  Murray demands a lot of shrimp.  He follows Scott into the walk-in freezer.  Murray accidentally locks them in!  I guess they’re dead now.

Meanwhile, Jason pulls out his relationship scrapbook and keeps Stads up so late that she oversleeps and misses the triathlon.  Stads isn’t too upset about it because at least she got to spend time with Jason.  But then, after Murray and Scott are rescued from the freezer, she finds out that Jason arranged for Scott to miss their final training night.  Scott and Stads team up to get revenge and somehow, it leads to Jason dressing up in armor and riding a horse across the beach.

This show is so stupid.

Meanwhile, Traycee slips on the restaurant’s wet flood and decides to sue Peter so that she can appear in a commercial for a personal injury lawyer.  Peter goes out of his way to be nice to Traycee, leading to Traycee thinking that Peter wants to marry her and….

This show is so stupid!

But let’s give some credit where credit is due.  Brandon Brooks (who played Murray) and Priscilla Inga Taylor (who played Traycee) were the best things about the first season, largely because they both so embraced the absurdity of their characters.  While the rest of the cast often seemed to be sleepwalking through their roles, Brooks and Taylor totally threw themselves into their roles and they were responsible for what few laughs the show did achieve.  And I’ll admit that I laughed at Taylor and Brooks during the finale.  (I laughed when Taylor sang her little song about suing Peter.  And I laughed at Brooks muttering, “Surfing” over and over again because he wanted to make sure those were his last words.)  They deserve a lot of praise for their work.

The season finale ends with Stads and Jason, the two least likable characters on the show, sharing a kiss while the audience goes, “Whoo!”  The finale really reminded how much the show changed over the course of the first season.  True, Jason remained a sociopath.  However, Scott actually become a halfway decent human being.  Due to some very bad writing, Stads went from being likable to being whiny.  Murray went from being annoying to genuinely funny.  Peter went from being cool to being dorky.  Traycee went from being a background character to one of the show’s highlights.  And Sam went from being the center of the show to someone who was lucky to get any lines whatsoever.  The pilot featured Jason and Scott as high school students but now, Scott is a part-time sportscaster and we never hear any talk of homework or anything else involving school.  Change can be good but, in the case of this show, it’s just evidence that no one was really sure what Malibu CA was supposed to be about.

Next week, we start the second and final season.  Yay.

 

Song of the Day: Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) by Phil Collins


As I mentioned earlier, today is Phil Collins’s birthday so today’s song of the day is one of my favorites.  From the film of the same name, here is Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now).

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there’s just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take

Take a look at me now

lyrics by Phil Collins