Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold” and 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

Posted on July 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Horshack gets promoted and Julie finally leaves Gabe!

Episode 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1975)

In their tiny apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Malcolm Kotter. Malcolm was a traveling salesman who left an umbrella in his hotel room. When he went to retrieve the umbrella, he discovered the room was now occupied by a couple on their honeymoon. Listening to their coital exchange from out in the hallway, Malcolm shouted, “Listen, when you get to the little umbrella, it’s mine!” For once, Julie laughs at the joke.

At school, Mr. Woodman interrupts Gabe’s lesson on Thomas Edison to announce that Arnold Horshack has been doing so well in Gabe’s class that he is now eligible to attend regular classes. Gabe is excited because not only does he now feel like a good teacher but he also sees Horshack as a symbol that proves that even the most difficult of students can be taught. As for the other Sweathogs, they’re just confused.

Horshack, meanwhile, is miserable about going to a class without his friends and he’s even more upset when Gabe tells him that he should try to make new friends and fit in with the regular students. Horshack is so upset that he goes to Kotter’s apartment building and turns down the heat so that Gabe will leave the apartment to complain. With Gabe gone, Horshack slips in through the window and begs Julie (who seriously has the patience of a saint in this episode) to convince Gabe to “like me again.”

Awwwwwwwww!

Seriously, Horshack is a character about whom I usually have mixed feelings. Of all the Sweathogs, he’s always come across as being the most cartoonish. In fact, one could even say that Horshack’s a bit annoying. But, in this episode, Ron Pallilo really broke my heart with how he played Horshack’s desperation to return to his old class. He breaks Julie’s heart too and, after Horshack says that he’ll jump off the highest building in Brooklyn if he’s not returned to his old class (yikes!), Julie makes Gabe see the error of his ways.

How can the Sweathogs convince Mr. Woodman to put Horshack back in Kotter’s class? They put on a play for him, in which they all talk about how important Horshack is to them. Gabe plays the role of Horshack, just for the real thing to wander into the classroom and announce, “I don’t have a mustache.”

Woodman agrees to let Horshack be a Sweathog again. For the most part, I think Mr. Woodman just wanted to escape Gabe’s classroom and return to the safety of his office. I don’t blame him!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the parrot that his cousin bought for his aunt. His aunt ate the parrot.

I felt bad for the parrot but otherwise, this was a sweet episode. I’m glad Horshack returned to where he belonged.

Episode 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his aunt Esther, who has always dreamed of getting a singing telegram.

Because she feels like her life has gotten boring, Julie goes to Vermont for a weekend ski vacation. Gabe says that he’s not worried about her being away from him but then he has a conversation with Mr. Woodman in which Woodman tells Gabe about how his fiancée went to Vermont on a ski trip and never returned because she fell in love with a German ski instructor. Woodman says that, as far as he knows, his ex is currently living in the Alps with her husband, who is now pretending to be Swiss. So Mr. Woodman’s fiancée left him for a Nazi war criminal? No wonder Mr. Woodman seems to have so little faith in humanity!

Feeling lonely, Gabe invites the Sweathogs over to his apartment so that they can play poker. However, even the Sweathogs realize that this is a strange thing for a teacher to do with his students and they leave after playing just a few hands. Just as Gabe is about to go up to Vermont himself, Julie comes home early. Apparently, her friend Candy Lieberman was getting on her nerves by talking too much.

With Julie back from Vermont, Gabe tells her about his Uncle Sanford the lumberjack.

This was an odd episode. This show works best when it focuses on the school and not Gabe’s homelife. Other than giving the great John Sylvester White a chance to reveal a little more of just how damaged a person Mr. Woodman truly is, this episode was fairly forgettable.

Next week: The Sweathogs protest the new cafeteria menu! It’s time for a sit-in!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.10 “The Java Tiger”

Posted on July 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, the action moves off the mainland!

Episode 1.10 “The Java Tiger”

(Dir by Bruce Kessler, originally aired on April 13th, 1984)

Max and McAllister go to Hawaii!

I have to admit that I was really excited about this episode, precisely because it did feature Max and McAllister heading to Hawaii. I love Hawaii. Some of my favorite memories come from the summer that me, my sisters and our mom spent in Hawaii. It doesn’t matter how bad a show or a movie may sound, I’ll give it a chance if it features the promise of Hawaii.

Unfortunately, this episode of The Master never really takes advantage of the beauty of the islands. In fact, other than for a few generic shots of Honolulu, it appears that this episode was filmed in California. About the only thing that says Hawaii about this episode are the shirts worn by the bad guys and the lei hanging around Max’s neck when he and McAllister check into their hotel.

Max and McAllister are in Hawaii because McAllister has received a letter from an old friend of his, a private investigator/treasure hunter named Leo Fairchild (Dick O’Neill). Just as with last week, one has to wonder how McAllister got the letter when he doesn’t have a fixed address and he’s supposedly been laying low in America to avoid getting track down by the ninjas who want him dead. As well, how does McAllister have all of these old friends in the United States and how do they all know that he’s a ninja? When the series started, the whole idea was that McAllister had been Japan since the end of World War II and that he had spent the majority of that time either being trained or training others. And yet, as of last week’s episode, McAllister is now suddenly a minor celebrity.

When Max and McAllister arrive in Japan, they meet Leo’s daughter, Shelly (Cynthia Cypert). Shelly tells Max and McAllister that her father was killed while searching for the location of a priceless statue, the fabled Java Tiger. Leo, she explains, was the only person in Hawaii to have a map leading to the tiger’s location. However, whoever killed Leo, stole half of the map. Now, if she’s going to fulfill her father’s dream, she needs to get that half of the map back. She’s pretty sure that Kruger (Kabir Bedi), a notorious and greedy practitioner of the martial arts, has the missing half. So, once again, it’s time for McAllister to put on his black uniform and break into a compound with Max! When things don’t go as well as Max and McAllister might have hoped, they’re saved by an old friend of McAllister’s….

As you may have guessed, Leo isn’t actually dead. He faked his own death so that McAllister would agree to help him find the Java Tiger. As Leo explains it, he needs McAllister to enter the cave where the Tiger is hidden because the cave is full of booby traps and McAllister, being a ninja, is the only man alive who can dodge falling rocks and darts. And, of course, time is of the essence because the cave is on an island that is also home to a volcano that is about to erupt.

This is what the volcano looks like:

To be honest, there’s something oddly charming about how fake the volcano looks. I was pretty annoyed that the episode didn’t have any pretty shot of Hawaii but, as soon as I saw that miniature, plaster volcano spewing smoke, I couldn’t help but smile.

McAllister, Max, Leo, and Shelly arrive at the island with Kruger’s men closely behind. With the volcano erupting all around them, they find the cave and eventually McAllister grabs the Java Tiger. But, when it appears that Kruger might be killed by a booby trap, McAllister drops the statue and saves the life of his enemy because McAllister is a man of honor. As a result, no one gets the tiger but McAllister stays true to his ideals.

To be honest, this episode was so silly that it was almost charming. Unfortunately, the usually reliable character actor Dick O’Neill gives an annoyingly mannered performance as Leo Fairchild, hamming it up and chewing every piece of scenery in sight. Leo is one of those characters who never stops talking and it’s hard not to get annoyed both the character and the actor playing him. In fact, so much time is devoted to Leo talking and talking that the episode almost feels like a pilot for a Leo Fairchild show. Who knows? Maybe it was. All I know is that the episode needed more Hawaii and less Leo.

This was a underwhelming week for The Master. There’s only three episodes left and Max and McAllister don’t seem to be any closer to finding Teri than when they started. Get to work, guys! You’re running out of time!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.13 “Weight on Jamal” and 5.14 “Basket Case”

Posted on July 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, it’s a trip to the rec center with a stop off at the Manhattan Diner. There’s only a few more episodes left and this show cannot end soon enough.

Episode 5.13 “Weight on Jamal”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 27th, 2001)

Here’s the plot description, according to Wikipedia:

Jamal wants to get into USC, but his coach tells him that he isn’t in shape enough to be considered for the team. He starts working out and is offered steroids at the health club. Meanwhile Dawn, Cassidy, Chris and Al have to deal with a cruel pottery teacher. Ms. Hotz scares the students and they eventually fight back. She reveals that she is only mean because most people take her class due to her sexy looks.

Seriously, the pottery teacher is named Ms. Hotz? Considering that L-Train apparently didn’t take the pottery class, I’m going to guess that he was busy convincing Jamal to give up the steroids. Since when has Jamal wanted to go to USC? Plus, didn’t he already get a baseball scholarship?

Eh, who cares? I’m glad this episode isn’t on YouTube.

Episode 5.14 “Basket Case”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 27th, 2001)

God, this episode is stupid.

Jamal’s father is out-of-town and he’s left Jamal with a big responsibility. Jamal has to run the diner, hire some new waitresses, and impress a food critic. Here’s my problem with this. Why is the food critic wasting her time with a generic hamburger place that seems to be exclusively used by the students of Manny High? With all the restaurants in New York, why review that one? As well, how irresponsible and stupid is Jamal’s father to leave Jamal in charge of the diner when something this important is about to happen? When has Jamal ever shown that he can handle that type of responsibility?

Anyway, to the surprise of no one, Jamal screws everything up, misidentifies a friend of Ms. Noble’s as the food critics, and can only watch in horror as the actual food critics leaves in a huff due to not even getting a glass of water while waiting for someone to take her order. Desperate to get the food critic to give the diner a second chance, Chris calls the food critic and pretends to be Jamal’s father. (It’s just as cringey as it sounds as Chris lowers his voice and laughs heartily at his own jokes.) The food critics agrees to give them a second chance. As soon as Chris hangs up, Ms. Noble wanders by and informs Chris, Jamal, and Cassidy that the food critic is in her tango class and that she loves to dance.

This leads to perhaps the stupidest moment ever in the history of this show and that’s saying something.

The food critic returns to the diner. She has a bowl of soup as Jamal and Cassidy watch. She tells them that the diner’s food is some of the best that she had ever had. Now, at this point, Jamal and Cassidy should be happy because the food critic has just told them that she loves the food. There’s no need to do anything else, right? Instead of just taking the victory when they can, they decide bring out “the chef.” The chef turns out to be Chris, wearing a fake mustache. Chris says that he loves to tango and then spins the food critic right out of the diner. WHY!? SHE WAS ALREADY GIVING THE PLACE A GOOD REVIEW! HOW STUPID ARE THESE PEOPLE!? Anyway, Ms. Noble then enters the diner and says that actually, the food critic was not in her tango class but in her Bible study class. WHAT!?

Anyway, the food critic still gives the diner a good review. She recommends that anyone who likes to tango ask for the chef. Except, of course, Chris isn’t actually the chef so anyone who asks is going to be massively disappointed.

GOD, THAT WAS STUPID! And it was only the B-plot!

The A-plot dealt with a rec center, which we’ve never seen before despite the fact that everyone on the show acts as if it’s a huge part of their lives. Dawn has a crush on the 50 year-old head of the center and when he says that the Rec Center may have to close down due to lack of money, Dawn decides to hold a fund raiser. Her plans involves a basketball shoot out and apparently, it’s imperative that both L-Train and his new girlfriend, Kianna, compete. (I’m not sure why.) However, L-Train worries that competing against his girlfriend will lead to them breaking up. Kianna reluctantly agrees not to take part in the shoot out but then, at the last minute, L-Train realizes he’s being a jerk and asks her to compete. And, of course, she wins.

Why did L-Train have a change of heart? I have no idea but the important thing is that the Rec Center stays open.

This was a dumb episode, all-around. Graduation cannot come soon enough!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.23 “A Funny Valentine/The Wallflower/Home is Not a Home”

Posted on July 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

After the past few cruises, I think we’re overdue for a good episode of The Love Boat. Let’s see if this week’s episode can deliver!

Episode 2.23 “A Funny Valentine/The Wallflower/Home is Not a Home”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on March 3rd, 1979)

Julie has decided that this week’s voyage is going to have a carnival theme and, in order to get everyone in the mood, she’s hired a fortune teller! Mary Louise (Samantha Eggar) claims that she can read palms but she’s even more interested in the art of phrenology, the study of heads. When she sees that Captain Stubing is bald, she can’t wait to see what the top of his shiny head says about his romantic future. Unfortunately, Stubing is in one of his depressed moods and says that fortune telling is for the young. He explains that he’s old and he already knows that he’s destined to spend the rest of his life alone.

Awwwww!

Luckily, Mary Louise has other ideas! The Captain is soon won over by Mary Louise’s free-spirited ways and her joi de vivre. But the Captain also realizes that, unless he holds a carnival every cruise, there’s really not much place for a fortune teller on the ship. The best that he can offer Mary Louise is a job in the gift shop. Realizing that their lives are just too different, Mary Louise leaves the boat without saying goodbye the Captain …. but then she returns to tell the Captain that maybe she will take that gift shop job.

Awwwwww!

But then the Captain tells her that she would be miserable working in a gift shop. (Hopefully, none of the other gift shop employees overheard him.) The Captain and Mary Louise part ways.

Again, awwwwwww!

It was a simple story but I have to say that Samantha Eggar and Gavin MacLeod had a surprising amount of chemistry and both of them gave really heartfelt performances in this episode. I found myself caring about them as a couple and hoping that things would work out. Of course, I knew things couldn’t work out because then the show would have to find a new captain.

While all that is going on, shy Sylvia (Patty Freedman) has finally taken the advice of her neighbor, Gopher. She has booked a cruise on the Love Boat! However, Sylvia is painfully shy and doesn’t even realize that there’s a passenger named Monroe (Zane Lasky) who has a crush on her. (Of course, Monroe is pretty shy himself.) Gopher decides that Sylvia needs a confidence boost so he sends her a rose at dinner and tells her it’s from a secret admirer. Unfortunately, Sylvia becomes so obsessed with finding her secret admirer that she continues to fail to notice Monroe trying to talk to her. When Sylvia returns to her cabin, she discovers hundreds of roses. When she tells Gopher about it, Gopher is confused because he didn’t send any roses to her cabin. For some reason, Gopher assumes that Sylvia is now delusional and that she only thought she saw all of the flowers in her cabin. Seeking to restore her sanity, Gopher confesses that he sent Sylvia the rose. Sylvia assumes that Gopher means that he sent all of the roses so, when Monroe confesses to sending the flowers to her cabin, she assumes that Monroe is making fun of her and….

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Yes, this is another story where all of the problems could have been easily resolved by everyone not acting like an idiot. But you know what? As much as stories like this usually tend to drive me crazy, I actually enjoyed this one. Patty Freedman and Zane Lasky both gave charming performances, even if their characters did things that didn’t always make sense. I was happy when they finally got together. This was a rare case where two passengers really did seem perfect for each other.

Finally, the third storyline featured Arthur Godfrey and Minnie Pearl as Ned and Molly, two seniors who were eloping. Looking to stop the marriage was Ned’s son, Francis (Warren Berlinger), and Molly’s daughter, Rowena (Elinor Donahue). Of course, Francis and Rowena fell in love and the episode ended with everyone planning to get married in a big double wedding. This story was pretty predictable and Berlinger and Donahue went a little bit overboard playing their characters as being uptight prudes in their first few scenes. But, still, at least everyone got a happy ending.

I liked this episode. The crew was likable, the passengers were charming, and everyone found love. Yay!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

Posted on July 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

What I’ve long-feared has happened.

Tubi has removed the original Fantasy Island from its site. The recently-canceled Fox version can be viewed but not the original. Don’t get me wrong. I liked the new Fox version. But these are Retro Television Reviews and a show that premiered in 2021 is not yet retro.

Fortunately, quite a few episodes are on YouTube and it’s probable that the original complete series will again end up streaming somewhere. So, I’m going to try to continue to review this show. I can’t guarantee that I won’t run out of episodes at some point. For instance, it doesn’t appear that much of seasons 6 or 7 can be found, even on YouTube. (Unfortunately, it appears that only the first three seasons of Fantasy Island have been released on DVD.) But I’m going to do my best!

Episode 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on October 19th, 1979)

Tattoo has decided that he wants to be an artist! Mr. Roarke demands to know why because God forbid Tattoo have a life outside of spotting the plane. Tattoo admits that he wants to get the island women to pose for him. Mr. Roarke orders Tattoo to abandon his art career and head down to the docks to meet the plane.

The plane is carrying two guests who hope, much like Tattoo, to change their lives.

Cindy Carter (Donna Mills) is a switchboard operator who has a crush on her boss, Brent Bailey (Brett Halsey). Her fantasy is to be the boss of her own company. Mr. Roarke grants her wish and soon, Cindy is in charge of her own multi-national corporation. In fact, her corporation owns Brent Bailey’s business! Cindy also gets a executive assistant named Gary Pointer (Roddy McDowall). Unfortunately, it turns out that Brent isn’t a very nice person and he’s been siphoning money out of the pension fund. He threatens to frame Cindy to keep her from approving an audit of the fund. However, with Gary’s support and eventual love, Cindy stands up to Brent and reveals his wrong-doing. Mr. Atwell (Stacy Keach, Sr.), the presumed-dead head of the company, suddenly shows up at the stockholder’s meeting and announces that he faked his own death to discover who was embezzling from the pension fund. The stockholders applaud as Brent Bailey is taken away from the police. It’s all rather silly and melodramatic but the likable presence of Roddy McDowall kept the story entertaining.

Meanwhile, Mike Jenner (Dennis Cole) came to the Island to confront Eddie Collins (Cameron Mitchell), the criminal that Mike believes murdered his father and framed him for a theft. (There’s a lot of theft in this episode.) Mr. Roarke reveals that Eddie lives in a nearby fishing village. Mike goes to the village, spots Eddie, and punches him. Eddie hits back….

….and both of them are sentenced to spend a year on a chain gang!

Fantasy Island has a chain gang!? And the chain gang is overseen by a redneck named Captain Hawks (R.G. Armstong)!? Why has this never been mentioned before? I mean, is it normal to sentence paying guests to spend a year on the chain gang?

Anyway, Eddie and Mike set aside their difference and break out out the prison camp. (Fantasy Island has prison camps!?) During their escape, Eddie gets trapped in quicksand. Mike does eventually rescue him but only after Eddie confesses to having framed Mike’s father. As soon as Eddie confesses, Mr. Roarke shows up in his jeep. Apparently, Mike is now free to leave the Island with his fiancee (Pat Klous) while Eddie is sent to the Fantasy Island prison for the rest of his life. Much as the other fantasy was saved by the reliable likability of Roddy McDowall, this episode was saved by Cameron Mitchell’s grouchy presence. One could always trust Mitchell to give it his all while playing a bad guy.

With the fantasies taken care of, Tattoo returns to his art. When he asks his model to pose naked, she destroys all of his paintings while Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs. Mr. Roarke really does hate his assistant.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.9 “Tolerance” and 5.10 “Big Brother Blues”

Posted on July 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, many important lessons are learend.

Episode 5.9 “Tolerance”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 13th, 1999)

Even though none of them have ever been seen or mentioned over the course of the previous 87 episodes, the episode reveals that Deering High is home to several students who dress in black, wear black eye-liner, and who hang out at a coffeehouse called The Morgue.

I know what you’re thinking. They’re Goths, right?

No, according to Hang Time, they’re called Grotes, which is short for Grotesques. Uhmmm …. okay. Was Grote actually a term that was used in 1999? Maybe it’s an Indiana thing. Who knows?

Anyway, everyone at school is scared of the Grotes, which makes it awkward when Kristy is assigned to work with one of them for her science class. At first, Syd (Alicia Lagano) dismisses Kristy as just being a typical popular cheerleader but she’s impressed with Kristy actually shows up at the Morgue. Kristy learns that the Grotes are human underneath all of their dark makeup and she also realizes that her two best friends are incredibly shallow when they start making fun of the Grotes. While it’s in character for Mary Beth to be judgmental of someone else’s fashion choices, I was a little bit surprised to see that the show portrayed Julie as being equally close-minded. Usually, Julie is portrayed as being a near-saint. You would think that, with all trouble Julie has supposedly had getting people to accept her as a basketball player, she would be a bit less …, well, mean. Mary Beth makes fun of the Grotes for wearing too much makeup. Julie goes as far as to say that the Grotes should expect to be picked on if they’re going to insist on being so different.

Kristy decides to teach her friends a lesson by dressing up like a Grote. At first, Julie and Mary Beth are shocked to see Kristy dressed in black and wearing too much eyeliner. Later, they’re stunned to learn that Kristy has been beaten up by two non-Grote bullies. At the homecoming dance, Mary Beth is elected Homecoming Queen and she spends her acceptance speech apologizing for judging the Grotes. She gives her crown to Kritsy as way to thank Kristy “for teaching me about tolerance.” The audience goes, “Awwwww!” but it’s hard not to notice that none of the Grotes are at the dance.

Meanwhile, Eugene is dating a woman who has graduated from college! It turns out that he lied to her about his age. Despite the fact that everything about Eugene screams “High School Sophomore!,” Eugene convinces her that he’s a college student. But then Eugene’s girlfriend (Veronica Lauren) is hired to teach at the school! Uh-oh! Is Deering about to become a crime scene? Fear not. It turns out that Eugene’s girlfriend is a genius who graduated from high school when she was 12 and is only 16 years old. Uhmm, okay.

This episode aired a year after “A Guy and a Goth,” the episode of City Guys where Chris dated a goth girl and briefly dressed up like a goth himself. This is actually a rare example of City Guys handling a topic better than Hang Time. First off, City Guys actually used the term “goth” as opposed to “grote.” As well, there’s something painfully self-congratulatory about the Hang Time version of this story. Mary Beth apologizes to the Grotes but there aren’t any Grotes at the dance so it’s not really going to do them a lot of good. In the end, the audience said “awwwww,” not because Mary Beth was being tolerant but because Kristy, Mary Beth, and Julie agreed to still be friends.

How much you want to bet that we’ll never see Eugene’s girlfriend or the Grotes again?

Episode 5.10 “Big Brother Blues”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 20th, 1999)

The Tornadoes are one victory away from making the playoffs!

Yes, apparently, the Tornadoes have been having another successful season. Up until this episode, we really haven’t heard much about Deering’s latest season. I imagine this is because Season 5 and 6 were originally meant to be one season before NBC decided to not only split the show’s final 26 episodes into two seasons but also to show the episodes out of order. Just judging from the episode descriptions that are available on Wikipedia, it appears that most of the basketball episodes were moved to the sixth season.

Anyway, as I said, the Tornadoes are once again one game away from making the playoffs. However, they have to defeat the Mustangs, a team that Deering hasn’t defeated in over 11 years. The team is convinced that they’re jinxed. Coach K. brings in a “jinx exorcist” who works with the NBA. He dramatically banishes the jinx from the locker room. With their confidence intact, the Tornadoes dominate the first half. However, at halftime, they discover that the jinx exorcist was just some random guy that Coach K paid to fool them. The Tornadoes lose their confidence and nearly lose the game. In the end, thanks to Silk’s final shot, the Tornadoes win by …. you guessed it …. one point!

Meanwhile, Michael and Silk sign up for the Big Brother program and are assigned to spend time with a kid named Daniel. Daniel loves hanging out with Michael and Silk but it turns out that Daniel’s mom is a racist who doesn’t want her son to hang out with anyone black. Daniel still comes to the game but, after the Tornadoes win, he’s dragged away by his mom. Daniel runs back into the locker room to give Silk a hug but it’s pretty clear that the two of them will never see each other again,

What a sad ending!

This episode featured both Mary Beth and Julie talking about how much they hate it when people are judged by how they look. Interestingly enough, no one says, “You mean like how you judged the Grotes?” That said, it was a heartfelt episode with a good message and Danso Gordon does a good job of portraying Silk’s anger and sadness. The final scene was far more moving that what one would typically expect of a Peter Engel-produced sitcom.

Next week: the team gets cocky!

Retro Television Reviews: Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway (dir by Randal Kleiser)

Posted on July 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1976’s Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Dawn Wetherby (Eve Plumb) is fifteen years old. She’s naive. She’s innocent. She’s …. well, let’s just be honest and admit that she’s not particularly bright. Sick of being embarrassed by her alcoholic mom (Lynn Carlin), Dawn decides to hop on a bus and travel to Hollywood. Maybe she can make a new life for herself in California.

Of course, it doesn’t take long for Dawn to discover that Los Angeles is not a city where dreams magically come true. It’s a tough and harsh town and it’s not like Dawn has any money or any particular skills. When she tries to get a job, she’s told that she’s too young. When she tries to rent a room, she’s told that ten dollars is not enough to cover two weeks rent. When she gives a dollar to a boy who says that he needs it, he responds by mugging her for the rest of her cash. A prostitute named Frankie Lee (Marguerite DeLain) takes some sympathy on Dawn and tells her to call if she ever wants to make some money.

Eventually, a nasty cough leads to Dawn going to the free clinic. That’s where she meets Alexander (Leigh McCloskey). Alexander is a teen runaway, just like Dawn. However, Alexander also can somehow afford an apartment and food to eat. Alexander invites Dawn to live with him and Dawn, realizing she has no where else to go, agrees. Alexander offers to look after her but, after Dawn discovers that Alexander makes his money by working as a male prostitute, Dawn decides that she needs a job of her own.

It’s time to call Frankie Lee! And it’s time for Frankie Lee to introduce Dawn to Swan (Bo Hopkins), a pimp who lives in a nice house and who offers to put Dawn to work….

Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway is an earnest film that was obviously made with the best of intentions and which actually did have something say, in its melodramatic way, about the dangers of running away from home and trying to make it on your own when you’re not even old enough to drive. That said, I imagine that most people who go through the effort to track down this film will do so because it stars The Brady Bunch‘s Eve Plumb as an underage runway who ends up walking the streets and taking men back to her motel room. The movie might as well be called Jan Brady Goes Bad, because Eve Plumb does essentially give the same performance that she gave when she was playing the whiniest member of the Brady Bunch. There’s nothing tough or streetwise about her, which works for the first half of the film but not during the second half. Once Dawn has been on the streets for a bit, you would expect her to toughen up a bit but she still comes across like she’s mad at Greg and Bobby for tying up the phone. Dawn goes through a lot and becomes a bit jaded as a result but, every time she speaks, you expect her to exclaim, “Why does Marcia get to runaway from home but I don’t? It’s not fair!” Far more impressive are the performances of Bo Hopkins and, in the role of Dawn’s probation officer, George Stanford Brown. William Schallert also has a good bit as Dawn’s first client, who ends up feeling so sorry for Dawn that he just give her twenty dollars and then tells her to go back home.

Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runway is one of those film that was obviously designed to make parents worry about their kids. It seems to be asking, “Do you know where your children are tonight?” In 1976, I imagine they were busy watching Jan Brady try to make it on the mean streets of Hollywood.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl” and 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

Posted on July 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Barbarino gets a girlfriend and Gabe nearly gets killed by Julie.

Episode 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 25th, 1975)

At the start of this episode, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle and a monkey. I didn’t get it. Julie didn’t look that amused either.

At school, the Sweathogs are not in a good mood because it’s report card time! Gabe tells the Sweathogs not to panic because apparently, even if they are failing Social Studies, they still have time to raise their grades. (So, I guess Gabe is handing out progress reports as opposed to report cards.) Epstein has a note from his mother’s doctor explaining that any bad grades would be bad for her health. (He actually has several notes, one for each class.) The note is signed “Epstein’s Mother’s Doctor.”

Freddie, meanwhile, tries to bribe Gabe with a half-eaten apple while Horshack falls to his knees and begs for a good grade. Only Barbarino doesn’t beg, probably because he knows that he’s the best-looking guy in the school and when you’ve got a smile like that, who needs brains?

Gabe passes out the report cards. Epstein says, “Thanks for killing my mother.” Freddie takes back his apple. Horshack starts to laugh in his braying way. Gabe asks Horshack what’s so funny about his bad grade. Horshack replies that he’s laughing at Barbarino’s even worse grade. Barbarino, it turns out, actually does care about his grades because his mother is a saint who apparently hits him with rosary beads whenever he brings home a bad grade. Gabe says that he can’t just pass Vinne to be nice. He asks what Vinnie would become if everyone just passed him without checking to make sure that he actually learned something. “A high school graduate,” Vinnie says and he has a point.

Speaking of high school and grades and getting held back, I noticed that Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack appear to be the only regular members of the class. This episode featured a lot of students getting upset over their report card and I think one reason they struggled with Kotter’s class is that none of them had ever attended before. Seriously, who are half these people!? I definitely would have noticed that goony redhead sitting in the corner if he had ever attended class before this episode.

Gabe arranges for Barbarino to get some tutoring from Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), the same girl that ran against him for student body president. Though Judy and Barbarino initially don’t get along, they soon bond of their shared love of rhyming insults. Unfortunately, the other Sweathogs give Barbarino a hard time about his new friendship with Judy and Barbarino is stunned when Judy turns down his offer of a date. However, Judy later changes her mind and goes to Coney Island with Barbarino and the Sweathogs. Awwwww!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his cousin, Gorgeous Jerry Kotter. It was short joke and apparently, the point was that Gorgeous Jerry had a lot of back hair.

This episode pretty much existed so that John Travolta could do his dumb but sweet routine and I have no problem with that because he did it very well and he showed off that smile that could light up a room. Plus, Barbarino and Judy Borden were a cute couple. That said, I’ll be surprised if their relationship is ever mentioned again.

Episode 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 2nd, 1975)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time that his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. Gabe replied, “I didn’t sign it.” Later, Gabe’s father came to the school and backed him up. Good for him.

Back at school….

Hey look! The goony redhead is back!

And the goony redhead gets some company when Mr. Woodman stops by the classroom to introduce a transfer student from California. Her name is Bambi (Susan Lanier) and she tells everyone that she loves the beach. She also requests that everyone call her Sunshine.

All the Sweathogs are smitten but Bambi seems to be more interested in Mr. Kotter, asking him what his sign is. Gabe reveals that he’s an Aquarius. “I knew it!” Bambi shouts. Bambi asks Gabe to show her around. Gabe suggests that she ask one of the Sweathogs. “They’re not groovy like you,” Bambi replies.

After the school day ends, Gabe returns to his apartment. Julie asks him why a girl named Sunshine has been repeatedly calling the apartment and asking whether or not Gabe wants to go skinny dipping. Julie is so annoyed that she even puts on her glasses so that her withering stare can be magnified.

Julie asks Gabe if he has anything to say for himself.

“Yes,” Gabe replies, “Can I go?”

Gabe explains that Sunshine has a crush on him but he also tells Julie that he’ll explain to Sunshine tomorrow that they cannot run off together. He says that he’s sure that he can get Sunshine to understand and, “If she doesn’t, I promise I’ll write.” Julie attacks Gabe with a pillow in a way that suggests that she’s genuinely furious with him. Reportedly, Marcia Strassman and Gabe Kaplan did not get along during the production of Welcome Back, Kotter and, in this episode, Julie really does seem like she’s just looking for an excuse to kill her husband.

Back in the classroom, each Sweathog tries to impress Bambi. Epstenin chants her name. Horshack shows up with a walking stick, an overcoat, and sunglasses and pretends to be a Hollywood producer. Freddie sings a calypso song about how Santa Claus is black. Barbarino rushes into the room and sings, “I’m singing ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbino!” while the audience goes crazy.

Gabe, however, asks to speak to Bambi in the hallway. He reveals that he checked her records and discovered that she’s not from California. She’s from Lubbock and she’s been to 11 different schools, where she has always caused trouble. Bambi decides to show Gabe what type of trouble she can cause by entering the room and announcing that her pencil is on Gabe’s desk. Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack lunge for it.

After Gabe points out how foolish everyone is acting over her, Bambi sees the folly of her ways and tells everyone the truth. The Sweathogs are very forgiving, probably because the last thing they were interested in, as far as Bambi was concerned, was what state she was from.

Back the apartment, Gabe wakes up Julie in the middle of the night to tell her about his Uncle Herbie. Julie rolls her eyes as Gabe talks about how his Aunt Estelle tried to trick Herbie into giving up alcohol and how it didn’t work.

I liked this episode more than I thought I would. My family moved around a lot when I was growing up so I could relate to how Bambi felt about having to always make a big first impression at every new school that she went to. Even if Marcia Strassman seemed to be annoyed by his very existence, Gabe Kaplan gave a good performance in this episode, especially in the scene where he confronted Bambi with the truth about her background. All in all, this was a pretty good episode.

Next week — Horshack gets promoted out of remedial classes!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.9 “Kunoichi”

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, McAllister and Max head to Washington, D.C.!

Episode 1.9 “Kunoichi”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on April 9th, 1984)

The 9th episode of The Master opens by showing us what Okasa (Sho Kosugi) has been doing since coming to America to track down and kill his former teacher, John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef). Okasa has been training an apprentice of his own. The apprentice ninja is always seen while wearing a light gray ninja uniform, the better to keep the apprentice’s identity a secret until halfway through the episode.

Meanwhile, McAllister and Max (Tim Van Patten) are in Washington, D.C. As McAllister explains it, he was good friends with Brian Elkwood (Jack Kelly) when they both served in the Army together. During the Korean War, they were both held in the same POW camp and they escaped together. (This, of course, goes against McAllister’s previous backstory, which was that he left the Army after World War II and spent the next 40 years hidden away in Japan.) Elkwood is now an important advisor to the President. Apparently, Elkwood sent McAllister a letter informing him that a spy known as The Hawk was threatening his life so McAllister has come to Washington to protect him. (How exactly McAllister received a letter when he and Max are constantly driving around the country in search of McAllister’s daughter is not explained.)

At the Elkwood estate, Brian Elkwood tells his assistant, Allison Grant (Kelly Harmon), that he has been receiving letters from John Peter McAllister in which McAllister has threatened to kill him. Allison argues that McAllister has always been Elkwood’s friend but Elkwood says that people can change. Elkwood’s head of security, Ron Gordon (Rick Hill), is concerned not only about McAllister but also about uncovering the identity of The Hawk.

Or at least, that’s what Gordon claims. A few scenes later, we discover that Gordon actually is The Hawk and that he’s hired Okasa to assassinate Elkwood. Okasa is planning on framing McAllister for the assassination. The assassination will be carried about his apprentice, who we learn is close to Elkwood. The episode tries to build up a lot of suspense over who Okasa’s apprentice actually is but it’s actually pretty easy to figure out. Elkwood is not the apprentice because he’s the target. Gordon is the not apprentice because he’s the Hawk. There’s only one other guest star on this episode so obviously, the apprentice is Allison. Myself, I’m just confused as to when Okasa’s mission went from personally killing McAllister to framing him for murder.

Eventually, McAllister is able to convince Elkwood that he didn’t write the threatening letters but a sudden attack of Okasa’s apprentice leaves Elkwood hospitalized and McAllister arrested for attempted murder. Fortunately, Max is able to use his ninja training to help McAllister escape from jail and they manage to not only prevent the second attempt on Elkwood’s life but they also expose both Gordon and Allison as being enemies of the state. Yay!

This is one of those episodes where everyone, with the exception of Sho Kosugi, steps to the side and lets their stunt doubles do most of the work. There’s a lot of fights but they are all awkwardly choreographed and framed, probably in an attempt to keep the audience from noticing that Lee Van Cleef’s stunt person was notably thinner and more athletic than Lee was. As far as episodes of The Master are concerned, this was not a bad one but it still ultimately leaves the viewer feeling that it could have been so much better.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.11 “Cassidy Couch” and 5.12 “Brother From Another Mother”

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Despite the fact that the Neat Guys haven’t been neat for a while, it’s time to review two more episodes of City Guys!

Episode 5.11 “Cassidy Couch”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 20th, 2001)

Chris’s dad is investing in a play being written and directed by Derek Wagner, one of Broadway’s hottest directors! (Oh yeah, Chris is rich. It’s kind of funny how that aspect of Chris’s character kind of got pushed into the background.) Cassidy thinks that she would be perfect for the lead role of an innocent pilgrim girl. Chris offers to ask his dad to pull a few strings but Cassidy says that she wants to get the job based on nothing but her ability.

When Chris and Cassidy go to the auditions, Chris is surprised to see that Cassidy is dressed up like a pilgrim. Cassidy explains that you should always dress for the role you want. Chris spots another actress waiting to try out and says that apparently, she’s planning on auditioning to be a hooker. (Boooo! Way to be judgmental, Chris.) Cassidy sees that the actress is wearing a short skirt and a tank top and she throws a fit. “Excuse me!” Cassidy snaps, before demanding why the actress is dressed like me on a warm day. The actress informs Cassidy that the director only casts attractive women and that her pilgrim outfit isn’t going to get the job done. Cassidy rips off her pilgrim outfit and auditions in her pajamas.

(Personally, I’m more interested in whether or not Cassidy is a member of Equity because I doubt Broadway’s hottest director is going to be working on a non-union show.)

Cassidy does get a part in the show, though it’s not the starring role. When Chris takes Cassidy to her first rehearsal, he overhears Derek Wagner having an argument with the actress he did cast in the lead role. The actress tells Derek that he’s a pig and then she quits. Derek then goes into the rehearsal hall and, after Cassidy approaches him and thanks him for giving her a small role, he promotes Cassidy to the lead role!

Chris is worried that Derek is “going to put the moves” on Cassidy. Cassidy is offended at Chris’s suggestions that Derek wouldn’t just cast her for her talent. But then, one night at rehearsals, Derek does exactly what Chris said he would do. Cassidy quits the play. Determined to expose Derek for being a predator, Chris and Jamal invite him onto their radio show and Derek agrees. Why would Derek agree to go on a high school radio show? It’s because the show needs Derek to do something illogical so it can end the story without having to leave the roof of Manny High. If Derek had refused to appear on the show, Cassidy wouldn’t get a chance to confront in the booth and expose him to the handful of students who are actually dorky enough to listen to Chris and Jamal’s show.

This episode dealt with a real issue so let’s give it some credit. Unfortunately, all the credit in the world isn’t going to make up for concluding the episode with Derek getting exposed on a high school radio program. Derek is a Broadway director who is busy putting together his latest show. He’s not going to appear on the Manny High Morning Show and he’s certainly wasn’t going to appear on a show hosted by the boyfriend of the actress who he just sexually harassed and then fired. Not everything can be resolved on the roof of the school, City Guys!

Don’t even get me started on the B-plot, which featured L-Train getting psychic powers and having a premonition of Ms. Noble’s impending death. Jamal, Al, and Dawn were really worried that Ms. Noble would die because apparently, these high school seniors who are on the verge of graduating don’t have a life outside of obsessing on their principal. Fear not. Ms. Noble did not die. The most interesting thing about the B-plot was that Al and Dawn were dating, despite having broken up several episodes earlier. Again, it would appear that this episode was meant to air earlier in the season but NBC aired it later, continuity be damned.

Episode 5.12 “Brother From Another Mother”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 20th, 2001)

Here is the plot description of this episode, courtesy of Wikipedia:

There is a heat wave going through New York, Dawn convinces Ms. Noble to allow a small waiting pool on the roof of Manny High. Instead Al and Chris secretly set up a large swimming pool for the whole school to enjoy and relax. Ms. Noble later finds out about the pool when one of the many interruptions preventing her from having a peaceful lunch break is leaking water coming from the ceiling. She tells Al to get rid of the pool. Before he does this, Al attempts to conquer his fear of the pool and learn how to swim, but in the process he almost drowns. Ms. Noble comes in the nick of time to rescue him and decides to teach Al how to swim before she gets rid of the pool. Meanwhile, Jamal’s father and El-Train’s mother develop an attraction for each other while attending a parent-principal conference. They set up a date and have the time of their lives. Jamal freaks out and doesn’t know what to think of this blossoming relationship, the possibility of someone else being his mother, and the future of a new family. While El-Train is ecstatic that his mother is finding some happiness in her life and he is looking forward to a possible future of Jamal becoming his brother and Mr. Grant his father.

Wow, that sounds terrible! This kind of makes me glad that this episode is one of the many from season 5 that has not been uploaded to YouTube. How exactly could they put a large swimming pool on the roof with Ms. Noble noticing? And why does everything have to be on the roof? Wouldn’t it actually be hotter on the roof than it would be if they put the pool in the courtyard or something? Add to that, how many times could Jamal freak out over the possibility of his father dating someone. Grow up, Jamal!

Next week, this show will be two episodes closer to being over.