Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.20 “Don Juan’s Last Affair/Final Adieu”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

This week, a tramp and a wimp seek romantic advice.

Episode 7.20 “Don Juan’s Last Affair/Final Adieu”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on April 14th, 1984)

Fashion marketer Whitney Clark (Phyllis Davis) is having an affair with her boss, Daniel Garman (David Hedison).  Whitney’s fantasy is to end the affair.  Myself, I have to wonder why she would have to come to Fantasy Island to end the affair.  Why can’t she just save the money and end the affair in New York or wherever it is that they’re from?  Better yet, why can’t she end the affair in New York and then come to Fantasy Island and actually have an enjoyable fantasy?

Daniel is on the Island, putting together a fashion show that he hopes will convince Roarke to commission a line of Fantasy Island fashions.  Whitney wants to end the affair but then she meets Daniel’s wife, Elizabeth (Marion Ross).  Elizabeth is in a wheelchair and, as she explains it, Daniel only stays with her out of guilt and a sense of responsibility.  When she offered Daniel a divorce, he turned it down.  Whitney comes to realize that Daniel loves both her and Elizabeth but that Daniel’s heart will always belong to Elizabeth.  “If you love me, let me go,” she tells Daniel.  She leaves Fantasy Island alone but looking forward to the future.  “I’ve come to admire your courage,” Lawrence tells her.  I’m not sure what courage he’s referring to.  She couldn’t even break up with her married lover without Mr. Roarke’s help.

Meanwhile, nerdy Alan Curtis (Michael Spound) is in love with his best friend, Pat Grayson (Geena Davis, in an early role).  Mr. Roarke arranges for Alan to go into the past to Madrid so that the legendary Don Juan (Fernando Rey) can give him advice but, due to a mix-up in the space-time continuum, Don Juan ends up in the present and on Fantasy Land.  Pat falls for Don Juan!  While Roarke fences with Don Juan, Alan finally tells Pat that he loves her.  At first, Pat is like, “But Don Juan….” but then Don Juan mentions that he’s had 14,000 lovers and Pat decides to give Alan a try.

*sigh*  The seventh season of Fantasy Island has been really depressing to review.  The first few seasons were fun but the seventh season has just been a drag.  This episode featured a lively performance from Geena Davis but that was pretty much it.  Everyone else seemed bored and unlikable.  Whitney and Alan were both wimps.

This was my final trip to the Island for 2025.  Retro Television Reviews will be going on break for the Holidays so that I can focus on both the Awards Season and Christmas movies!  Fantasy Island will return on January 6th, 2026.  There’s only two shows left and then something new will be appearing in this time slot.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.7 “The Wedding/Castaways”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Lawrence ruins everything.

Episode 7.7 “The Wedding/Castaways”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on November 26th, 1983)

Ugh, this episode.

Nerdy Fred Connors (Richard Gilliland) wants to spend a weekend alone with a beautiful woman.  His favorite supermodel, Christy Robbins (Phyllis Davis), has been pressured by her manager (Steve Perry) into agreeing to spend the weekend with Fred at Pelican Cove.  Fred and Christy will have their picture taken before and after their weekend together to show just how much spending time alone with Christy Robbins will improve one’s outlook on life.

Let’s just stop here and state the obvious.  This makes ZERO sense.  Christy’s manager has no idea who Fred is.  He doesn’t even meet Fred until it’s time to him and Christy to go to Pelican Cove.  Christy is a world-famous model.  In what world would a celebrity agree to be abandoned on an isolated island with a total stranger?  The photographers aren’t staying on the island with them.  Instead, Christy and Fred are dropped off on the island and then everyone else leaves.  If I was Christy, I would get a new manager.

A rival model named Celina Morgan (Shannon Tweed) was also up for the “abandoned on an island with a possible sex maniac” gig and she’s upset that she lost out to Christy.  So, she sneaks out to Pelican Bay herself and soon, she and Christy are fighting over the right to spend their time with Fred.  It’s dumb and it makes no sense and, considering that the whole fantasy is basically two beautiful woman fighting over one dorky guy, it’s actually feels a bit demeaning and mean-spirited.

Of course, it’s nowhere near as mean-spirited as the other fantasy.  Lucy Gorman (Jeannie Wilson) is unhappy in her marriage to Dr. Jack Gorman (Gordon Thomson).  She tells Roarke that the only good thing that came out of her marriage was her daughter (Andrea Barber) but Lucy even feels jealous of her!  Lucy wants to go back to her wedding day so she can see what would happen if she left her husband at the altar and pursued another doctor (Richard Pierson).

Well, the main that would happen is that Lucy’s daughter would never be born.  But somehow, this doesn’t occur to Lucy until the fantasy has started.  How would that not occur to a mother?  This fantasy was …. I can’t even begin to describe how annoying it was.  Lucy came across as being very self-centered and kind of dumb.

I swear, the seventh season has just been terrible so far and I blame one person.

And, no, it’s not Mr. Roarke.

Seriously, ever since Lawrence showed up, the Island just hasn’t been the same.  Are we sure that Lawrence isn’t the Devil?  I mean, I know the Devil was traditionally played by Roddy McDowall on this show but I’m sure he change his appearance.  There’s something sinister about Lawrence and I don’t trust him.  He doesn’t care about Roarke and he doesn’t care about the fantasies.

What a disappointing trip to the Island.  Traditionally, the last season of any show is usually the worst but it’s still painful to watch Fantasy Island misfire like it did with this episode.

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 11: The Day the Wolf Laughed (originally aired November 19th, 1966)


Episode 11 of Shane opens with a group of outlaws making their way across the valley after pulling off a lucrative robbery. Needing a couple of days to lay low and rest their horses, they decide to take over Sam Grafton’s bar to drink and blow off some steam. They reason it’s a safe place to stay since there doesn’t appear to be any law in the area. Their leader is Reno (J.D. Cannon), with Augie (Skip Homeier) as his right-hand man, Grant (Daniel J. Travanti) as his enforcer, and a couple of others for good measure. Shane (David Carradine) and Marian (Jill Ireland) happen to be shopping in Sam’s general store when Reno and his men come into the bar. They can hear them breaking bottles and bullying Sam around in the next room. Sam comes into the general store and asks his employee Ben (Owen Bush) to ride out to Rufe Ryker’s ranch and ask him if he will come help with these guys. Soon the outlaws walk into the general store, where Shane and Reno immediately recognize each other. It seems the two gunslingers grew up together under the tutelage of an old man they called “The Wolf,” who taught them everything they know. Because Shane knows how skilled and dangerous Reno is, he asks Sam to let them stay for the next couple of days, and Reno agrees to pay Sam well for his trouble. Sam reluctantly agrees and Shane and Marian head back to the ranch. 

A little later Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed) and his men ride into town and enter Sam’s bar. Reno gets the drop on them and sends them back out with their tails between their legs. They regroup back at Ryker’s ranch and decide to go back to town and try force the outlaws out of the bar. On the way, Ryker stops off at the Starett’s ranch to try to convince Shane to help. Shane tells Ryker that the best thing he can do is leave Reno and his men alone and wait for them to leave in a couple of days. With his pride hurt, Ryker is in no mood for listening and heads to town anyway. When the shooting starts, Ryker and his men are caught in a deadly crossfire. Trying to retreat, Ryker is shot and severely injured by Reno. While Ryker tries to recover, his men decide they are going to stake out the bar so they can be in position to kill Reno and his men when they try to leave. Feeling trapped, Reno instructs a couple of his guys to go to the nearest ranch and get a hostage to help them with their escape. When the guys grab a local girl named Shirley and Marian, who was in the area looking for their cow Katrina at the same time, Shane finally decides to enter the fight against Reno. Their old mentor “The Wolf” always predicted that their relationship would end with one of them killing the other. It looks like he just may be right. 

“The Day the Wolf Laughed” is my favorite episode of the TV series SHANE so far, as it really leans into Shane’s skills as a gunfighter and pits him against a man in Reno who’s every bit as skilled. When the two men first see each other in Sam’s general store you can tell that they really do respect each other. Reno goes so far as to tell Marian that “you have a good man. He’ll fight for you.” As soon as you hear those lines, you know Shane will end up having to prove those words to be true. Even though Shane spends most of the episode trying to convince other people that they just need to leave Reno alone, he doesn’t hesitate to take matters into his own hands the moment Marian is put in danger. This is the first episode of the series where Shane really lives up to the reputation that is always being hinted at in the series, and I loved it! 

Episode 11 is also elevated by its game cast of guest stars. J.D. Cannon (DEATH WISH II) is an especially strong adversary for Shane. He can be extremely cold blooded, but he’s also respectful, somewhat likable, and you believe that his word means something. You almost hate it when the two end up squaring off at the end. Daniel J. Travanti (HILL STREET BLUES), with a thick mustache, is quite intimidating as the enforcer of the gang. He seems quiet and laid back until he’s called upon by Reno. His countenance then completely changes, and you don’t really want to be on the other side of his gun at that point in time. It was also nice seeing Skip Homeier show up as Reno’s right-hand man, Augie. Homeier appeared in the excellent 1957 Budd Boetticher/Randolph Scott western THE TALL T, and he provides good support here as well. As far as the main cast, David Carradine and Bert Freed take center stage in this episode, with both men doing a great job. Freed, in particular, has created a strong, complex character in Ryker over the course of the first 11 episodes, and I’ve actually grown to like him.

Overall, for a fan of badass western action, this episode was right down my alley. Shane and Marian may not have shared any long, lustful looks, but Shane proves his love by putting his life on the line for her against Reno’s gang. We only have 6 more episodes to go, and it will be fun to see where we go from here.  

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.17 “The Return of the Captain’s Lady/Love Ain’t Illegal/The Irresistible Man”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for another trip on The Love Boat!  We’re a little late setting sail today but it happens.  Let’s see what’s happening on this cruise….

Episode 5.17 “The Return of the Captain’s Lady/Love Ain’t Illegal/The Irresistible Man”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on February 6th, 1982)

This week’s cruise is all about people being stupid.

For instance, George Boggs (Dick Martin) wants to embezzle some money from his company but he can’t run the risk of his business partner, Irwin (Robert Mandan), finding out.  So, George tells his secretary, Marge (Phyllis Davis), to keep Irwin distracted while George steals the money.  However, Marge really does fall for Irwin.  This was a very predictable storyline and it suffered from Dick Martin continually mugging for the camera and acting so obviously guilty that there was no way that the entire world wouldn’t have noticed what he was doing.  Still, if you’re a fan of sitcoms from the 70s and 80s, it’s always interesting to see Robert Mandan playing a sympathetic character for a change.

Things get even dumber when Doug Bridges (Linwood Boomer) decides that the best way to get Pam (Lydia Cornell) to notice him would be to fake being pulled into a broom closet and kissed by an amorous woman who then, in Doug’s telling of the story, runs off and disappears.  Soon, the entire ship is looking for Doug’s mystery woman.  Why this would get Pam to like Doug, I’m not sure.  Pam’s best friend (Pat Klous) does like Doug so she pretends to be the mystery woman.  Of course, Doug can’t reveal that she’s lying because that would mean revealing that he was lying and …. as I said, this story was dumb.  Dumb, dumb, dumb!

Finally, Captain Stubing’s ex-fiancé, Linda (Pat Crowley) boards the ship and the Captain is super excited!  He starts to rekindle their relationship and soon, he’s even thinking of proposing.  Yay!  Vicki’s finally going to have a stepmom …. oh wait.  Hold on.  It turns out that Linda’s married and she just boarded the boat and allowed herself to be romanced by the Captain without telling him any of this because …. reasons, I guess?  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  Linda is not happy with her marriage and is in the process of getting a divorce but she doesn’t tell any of that to the Captain.  Merrill thinks that Linda is single and ready to get married.  Nope, Linda was just looking for a fling and is not ready to get married again.  Poor Merrill!  At least he has the crew looking out for him….

Ugh.  This episode.  Listen, I am more than willing to suspend my disbelief when it comes to this show.  Usually, I absolutely love The Love Boat.  But usually there’s at least one sort of funny or sweet story to go along with the ones that are less memorable.  None of the stories worked on this cruise and that’s a shame.  That said, I’ll be back next week.  The Love Boat promises something for everyone, afterall.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.5 “Everybody Goes to Gilley’s/Face of Fire”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Fantasy Island goes country.

Episode 6.5 “Everybody Goes to Gilley’s/Face of Fire”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on November 20th, 1982)

Mickey Gilley is a country-western singer who comes to Fantasy Island because he wants to finally become a star after years of struggling.  Tattoo, who is a huge country music fan, puts on a cowboy hat and decides that he’ll be Gilley’s “exclusive manager.”  Not so fast, Mr. Roarke says.  Apparently, there’s a country-western bar on the other side of the Island and the owner, Mr. Sherwood (Dennis Cole), has a fantasy of finally having a successful bar.  Roarke arranges for Gilley and Sherwood to become partners.  Gilley is a star whenever he performs in Sherwood’s bar.  In the end, Sherwood and Gilley leave the Island together with Sherwood as Gilley’s new manager.

I’m not a huge country music fan so I have to admit that, until I watched this episode, I had no idea who Mickey Gilley was. (In fact, in my first draft of this review, I repeatedly called him “Dennis Gilley,” so that tells you how much I know about county-western singers.)  Gilley actually was a country music star, one who did spend several years toiling away in small clubs before he finally found success.  This role was autobiographical for him.  It’s a bit odd that he plays himself but maybe he was a big deal in 1982.  As I said, country music is not my area of expertise and 1982 is a bit before my time.  What I can say is that, on the show, Gilley was portrayed in a way that kind of made him seem like a jerk.  I mean, the nonstop complaining and all the demands!  “I’m not here for romance,” he tells Roarke at one point.  Don’t tell Mr. Roarke how to do his job, Gilley!

The other storyline was a take on Jane Eyre.  Jean Harrigan (Lynn Redgrave) is from Nevada, despite being totally English.  She needs a million dollars.  A mysterious rich guy (David Hedison) offers it to her if she can survive a weekend at his home.  His crazy wife is locked away in a bedroom.  She ends up catching on fire towards the end of the episode, freeing things up for Jean and the rich guy.  What’s interesting is that the rich guy says that he originally met Jean when his car broke down in the Nevada desert and Jean gave him a ride.  What’s interesting about this is that, when the legendary Howard Hughes died, a man named Melvin Dummar claimed that he had once given Hughes a ride after coming across him stranded in the Nevada desert and, in return, Hughes left him a good deal of his fortune.  Dummar even produced a will in support of his claim.  The courts ruled the will to have been a forgery and Dummar never received his money, though there still are people out there who defend “the Dummar will” and claims that he was telling the truth about meeting Hughes.  Fortunately, Jean does get her money and a chance to spend some time with the totally charming and handsome David Hedison.

(Hedison was also the best Felix Leiter, appearing in Live and Let Die and License to Kill.)

Perhaps not surprisingly, I preferred the gothic story to the country music story.  I appreciated that Tattoo got to do something this episode.  The scene where he declares himself to be Gilley’s manager felt like a throwback to the show’s earlier seasons.  This journey to the Island was a mixed bag for me, though overall it was a pleasant trip.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week’s episode presents your erstwhile reviewer with a bit of an ethical quandary.

Episode 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”

(Dir by Don Chaffey and Don Weis, originally aired on January 16th, 1982)

I don’t feel completely comfortable about reviewing this episode of Fantasy Island and I’ll tell you why.

Occasionally, Fantasy Island would broadcast an extra-long episode.  These episodes would typically feature three fantasies as opposed to the usual two.  Unfortunately, when these long episodes were syndicated, one of the fantasies would be edited out so the episode would fit into an hour-long slot.  Usually, the editing was not particularly smooth, either.  The end result would usually be an episode that seemed oddly paced and the performances of Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize would often seem uneven as well.  As such, it’s neither easy nor particularly fair to review those edited episodes.  When it comes to reviewing, I always want to see the complete episode.

And yet, now that the original Fantasy Island is no longer streaming anywhere (seriously, what the Hell, Tubi?), I’m stuck using the episodes that I have on my DVR.  And that means reviewing the edited, syndicated versions of these episodes.

As you can probably guess, this is one of those edited episodes.  The Valerie fantasy was removed for syndication.  That’s a shame because Valerie featured the final televised performance of actor Christopher George, a charismatic B-movie veteran who is pretty popular around the Shattered Lens offices.  It also featured Michelle Phillips, though apparently she did not return as the mermaid who she played earlier on the show.  I’d love to review Valerie but I can’t.  And that sucks,

As for the other two fantasies, one is basically a remake of the Lillian Russell fantasy, except this time Martha Harris (Phyllis Davis) goes into the past and finds herself transformed into her great-grandmother, Mata Hari.  She gets to dance.  She gets to spy.  She gets thrown in prison and sentenced to death but, fortunately, her life is spared when the firing squad’s rifles are filled with blanks and she’s given a drug by one of the men who is in love with that makes her appear to be dead.  This was a enjoyable fantasy, mostly because of the costumes and the melodrama.

The other fantasy features Bob Denver, coming to the Island for the second week in a row.  This time, he’s a photographer who wants to take the type of pictures that the world’s greatest photographers couldn’t.  Because of the awkward way the fantasy was stated, the photographer ends up with a camera that takes pictures of the future.  At first, the photographer is really happy and uses his camera to commit a little insider trading.  But then he takes a picture of a newspaper and sees a headline announcing his death in a fiery auto accident.  Uh-oh!

Again, neither of the two fantasies is bad (though the second one does require a certain tolerance for Bob Denver that some people may not have) but it was hard for me to enjoy them knowing that I was missing out on a third fantasy.  For that reason, I assigning this episode a grade of incomplete.  If I ever get a chance to watch the complete episode, uncut, I’ll revisit this review but until then, I really can’t give an overall grade to this episode.

Finally, for those keeping track, both Julie and Tattoo join Roarke when it’s time to greet the guests.  That’s only second time that’s happened this season.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Episode 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Tattoo is in this episode, which means that Julie only appears long enough to tell Mr. Roarke that she’s going to busy exploring the island with a bunch of hunky professors.  (It says a lot about how poorly the Julie character has been developed that I couldn’t tell if Julie was supposed to be naive or clever when it came to going off with the men.) 

At this point, it’s obvious that Julie was only added to the show to act as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set.  Early on in the season, when Herve was apparently negotiating for a better contract, Julie had a few episodes where she was Roarke’s main assistant while Tattoo was described as being elsewhere on the island.  But in the episodes where Tattoo is present, Julie always has to go do something else for the weekend.  Ironically, Julie is such a bland and unnecessary character that it actually proves Herve Villechaize’s point about how important Tattoo was to the success of the show.  By having Julie always leave whenever Tattoo is present, the show really only reminds the viewer that Roarke only needs on assistant and it’s Tattoo.

As for this week’s fantasies, they both have to do with the past.

Calvin Pearson (Claude Akin) has just spent years in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit.  He’s finally been released and, understandably, he really doesn’t want to have much to do with the rest of the world.  When he was a child, he spent a summer on a nearby island with his father.  His father was fisherman and Calvin claims that he once caught a fish that could sing.  Calvin wants to spend the weekend on the Island and he wants to catch the same serenading fish.

Sound like a pretty simple fantasy, right?  Well, Calvin is not happy to discover that the he’s not alone on “my island.”  There’s now a trading post, run by Jake Dutton (Broderick Crawford) and his daughter, Mira (Pamela Susan Shoop).  Even worse, there are some recently escaped convicts (led by Glenn Corbett) who want to kidnap Mira!  At first, Calvin refuses to get involved.  He just wants to fish.  But, in the end, he finally does the right thing and saves the Duttons.  

What about the “serenading fish?”  Calvin may not have caught a fish but he did capture the heart of Mira, who hums a tune that she says she once heard out on the lagoon.  Calvin leaves the Island alone but he tells Roarke that he plans to return so that he can work at the trading post with the Duttons.

This fantasy was a bit predictable and you really do have to wonder why Roarke insists on nearly getting his guests killed every week.  It seems like that would lead to a lawsuit.  But the fantasy does feature a good performance from Claude Akin as a man who manages to conquer his own bitterness.

As for the other fantasy, it features Phyllis Davis as a writer named Lilly Martin who wants to write a book about the singer Lillian Russell.  Roarke sends her back to 1890s New York and literally transforms Lilly into Lillian Russell, complete with singing talent and two notorious suitors, “Diamond Jim” Brady (Gene Barry) and Peter Whiting (Craig Stevens).  This fantasy was enjoyable eye candy, with Lilly getting to dress up as Lillian Russell and getting to wear all sorts of jewels.  Unfortunately, it’s also a fantasy that ends with a poker game.  I’ve never been able to follow poker and I always groan a little whenever the plot of a show hinges on the outcome.  Whenever people start talking about “bluffing” and “royal flushes,” and all that, my eyes just glaze over and that was the case here.

That said, at least Mr. Roarke got to take part in Lilly’s fantasy, popping up not once but three times to see how everything was going!  In fact, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo also popped up in Calvin’s fantasy.  It’s always fun when Roarke drops in.

The poker game aside, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island.  Season 5 has been a bit uneven but this was one of the better episodes.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.19 “The Proxy Billionaire/The Experiment”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, things get weird.

Episode 4.19 “The Proxy Billionaire/The Experiment”

(Dir by Richard Benedict, originally aired on March 21st, 1981)

This week’s episode is a bit of an odd one.

The first fantasy is fairly typical for the series.  Playing two roles, Robert Goulet is cast as both a billionaire and as Frank Miller, a Wall Street analyst who wants to be a billionaire.  The real billionaire agrees to allow Frank to live his life for the weekend.  Frank soon discovers that being a billionaire is …. well, actually, it’s pretty cool.  Except, of course, Phyllis Davis and Troy Donahue are plotting to poison him at a luau so that they can steal all of his money.  Fortunately, Mr. Roarke shows up at the luau in time to catch the vial of poison as Davis and Donahue attempt to toss it away.  Frank learns that being a billionaire is fine as long as no one wants to kill you.  Still, he has to return to his normal life at the end of the weekend.  Fortunately, the millionaire’s administrative assistant (Britt Ekland) has fallen in love with Frank and she decides to leave the Island with him.

As I said, this story felt pretty typical of Fantasy Island.  Probably the highlight was Mr. Roarke walking in on Tattoo badgering Frank for financial advice.  Roarke responded by giving Tattoo a strong glare that, if nothing else, reminded the audience that Tattoo and Roarke absolutely despise each other.

The other fantasy was …. well, it was weird.  Dr. Lucas Bergmann (James Broderick) and his daughter,  Lisa (hey!), come to the Island.  Each has a fantasy.  Lisa (played by Laurie Walters) says her fantasy is for Lucas to relax and enjoy himself and to stop obsessing over bringing the dead back to life.  Lucas’s fantasy is to bring the dead back to life.  Roarke sets Lucas and Lisa up in a bungalow that once belonged to another scientist who also wanted to play God.  Roarke warns Lucas that the local Islanders are superstitious and they might not appreciate him tampering in God’s domain.

(If the Islanders are that superstitious, how are they handling living on a magical island that is ruled by a mercurial demigod?)

Soon, the Islanders are beating their drums and Lucas’s mute assistant (Woody Strode) is looking concerned.  Lucas steps outside and discovers that Lisa has apparently drowned in a nearby lake.  Lucas decides that she’ll be the subject of his experiment.  Can he bring her back to life?  Lucas doesn’t find out because the Islanders storm his bungalow and Lucas runs into the jungle, fleeing until he eventually runs into Roarke, Tattoo, and …. LISA!

It turns out that Lisa was only pretending to be dead in order to teach her father a lesson.  And it also turns out that the Islanders were in on it and Woody Strode can speak.

WHAT!?

Seriously, was there not a simpler and perhaps less traumatic way to teach Lucas a lesson?  This seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to.  Lucas does realize that he doesn’t need to raise the dead to be happy so that’s good.  Still, this whole thing just feels weird.

Of course, weird is good when it comes to Fantasy Island.  With Roarke and Tattoo barely on speaking terms, it’s even more important for the fantasies to be memorable.  And I will never forget about the time Mr. Roarke tricked a scientist into believing his only child was dead.  Seriously, I’m stunned Mr. Roarke was never sued.

Next week, we meet Mr. Roarke’s goddaughter!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.23 “Another Time, Another Place/Doctor Who/Gopher’s Engagement”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Maureen McCormick returns to The Love Boat!

Episode 3.23 “Another Time, Another Place/Doctor Who/Gopher’s Engagement”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on March 1st, 1980)

Mrs. Elliott (Audrey Meadows) boards this week’s cruise with a very specific mission in mind.  She wants to find a husband for her daughter, Celia (Maureen McCormick).  Mrs. Elliott, whose husband owns a good deal of stock in the cruise line, at first eyes Doctor Bricker as a possible suitor for her daughter, despite the fact that the doctor is considerably older than Celia and has been divorced multiple times.  However, Celia is far more charmed by Gopher, who asks Celia to dance when Julie points out how miserable Celia looks at the ship’s Charleston night.

Celia is charmed by Gopher and, when he accidentally gives her a ring that he’s been carrying around in his pocket, she assumes that he’s asking her to marry him.  (The ring was actually lost by another passenger and Gopher was just carrying it around until he could put it in the lost-and-found.)  Celia says yes and suddenly, Gopher is engaged!  Mrs. Elliott is not happy about this, as Gopher is only an assistant purser.  As for Gopher, he tries to get out of the engagement by having Isaac tell Celia that Gopher’s a drunk.  This only makes Celia even more determined to marry Gopher (so she can “save” him) and this also gets Gopher in trouble with the Captain who, as the show sometimes remembers, is a recovering alcoholic.

Fortunately, Isaac eventually tells Celia the truth about what’s going on.  Celia is surprisingly forgiving, returning the ring and announcing that she and Gopher will always be good friends.  Celia also finds the strength to tell her mother to let her live her own life.  Mrs. Elliott is okay with this, because she has another daughter who needs a husband and Doc is still single.

This was a storyline that depended too much on everyone involved acting like an idiot.  Those are my least favorite stories.  But, just as with last week, Fred Grandy got to show off his tragic clown qualities and Maureen McCormick was so convincing in her role that it was hard not to suspect that perhaps she related to a character who was tired to everyone assuming that they knew what was best for her and her life.

Speaking of storylines that required everyone to act like an idiot, this episode also featured Bert Parks as Dr. Michael Mervey, a noted sex therapist.  Dr. Mervey boards the ship under an assumed named and tells the Captain that he just wants to relax and not have anyone asking him for any help with their problems or asking him to autograph his book.  However, Evelyn Miller (Phyllis Davis) has heard a rumor that Dr. Mervey is on the boat so she boards with the intention of tracking him down and seducing him.

The only problem is that Evelyn doesn’t know what Dr. Mervey looks like.  (I find that hard to believe, considering how famous Dr. Mervey is supposed to be.)  When she hears Isaac refer to another passenger (Arte Johnson) as being a “doctor,” Evelyn assumes the passenger must be Dr. Mervey.  But instead, he’s just Wilfred Johnson (Arte Johnson), a nerdy nuclear physicist.  At first, Dr. Johnson pretends to be Dr. Mervey but when the real Dr. Mervey inevitably spots Evelyn and starts to hit on her, the truth comes out.  Evelyn dumps Wilfred.  Feeling guilty, Dr. Mervey tries to give them a therapy session.  Neither wants to listen to Dr. Mervey but they do still realize that they actually love each other.  Wilfred and Evelyn leave the cruise arm-in-arm and Mervey pats himself on the back for a job well-done.

Again, this plot was way too dependent on everyone acting like an idiot.  That said, Bert Parks made me laugh as the self-important Dr. Mervey.

Finally, Jane Wyman stars as Sister Patricia, a nun who is heading to Acapulco to be a teacher.  When she discovers that her ex-boyfriend, Steve Brian (Dennis Morgan), is on the cruise, she is forced to reconsider her decision.  In the end, she decides to follow her calling but she tells Steve that they’ll be reunited in another time and another place.  When Stubing comforts Steve, Steve replies that, “if” there’s a Heaven, they’ll be reunited.

Uhmm…. Steve, if there is a Heaven, it’s probably not full of agnostics.  Just saying.

Anyway, this was a simple story and I could tell where it was going to go from the first minute the Steve greeted Patricia on the boat but it worked because of the old school charm of Dennis Morgan and Jane Wyman.  These two Hollywood veterans knew just how to best embrace the melodrama.

Thanks to Wyman and Morgan, this was a pleasant cruise.  Hopefully, next week will be just as pleasant.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.4 “Don Quixote/The Sex Goddess”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week’s journey to Fantasy Island is oddly unpleasant.

Episode 4.4 “Don Quixote/The Sex Goddess”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on November 15th, 1980)

As always, this episode opens with “the plane, the plane” landing at Fantasy Island and Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading out to meet their guests.  Unfortunately, as has been the case since the since the third season, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo no longer share any sort of playful banter before meeting the guests.  In fact, Roarke often seems to refuse to even look at Tattoo while speaking to him.  It’s awkward to watch because the dislike between Ricardo Montalban and Heve Villechaize is obvious whenever they share a scene.  It’s something that is easy to joke about while talking about the show but it’s far more unpleasant to actually witness.

Of course, this entire episode is rather unpleasant, which is a shame because Fantasy Island‘s greatest strength as a show was that watching it was usually a pleasant and undemanding way to spend an hour.

Take, for instance, the fantasy of Helen Hendrix (Phyllis Davis).  Helen’s fantasy is to become a “sex goddess.”  Tattoo expresses disbelief that the pretty but far from glamorous Helen could ever be a sex goddess but Roarke reminds Tattoo that, on Fantasy Island, all things are possible.  Roarke then says that Helen doesn’t realize that her fantasy could be a “a very dangerous fantasy.”

Well, Mr. Roarke, if it’s so dangerous, why did you agree to allow her to come to the Island?  In the past, Mr. Roarke has mentioned turning down many requests for fantasies.  He is apparently the final judge on whether or not someone will get their fantasy.  (Even when Tattoo granted a fantasy to someone who Roarke previously turned down, it was suggested that it was all a part of Roarke’s master plan.)  If the fantasy is so dangerous, why give it to Helen?  What is Mr. Roarke’s legal liability if someone gets killed while experiencing their fantasy?

Anyway, Mr. Roarke gives Helen a blue potion and when she drinks it, she becomes a blonde, starts wearing makeup, and gets a dress that’s far more flattering and low-cut than the borderline Amish outfit she was wearing when she first arrived at the Island.  She is now an internationally famous sex goddess, which unfortunately leads to her being kidnapped by three men (Michael Callan, Edd Byrnes, and Don Stroud) and held hostage on a neighboring island.  Eventually, Helen realizes that she’s going to have flirt her way out of captivity, which leads to a smitten Don Stroud helping her to escape.  Or, at least, he does until the potion wears off and Helen goes back being a brunette.  Stroud is shocked but, before he can strangle her, Roarke shows up and whisks Helen back to the Island.

Seriously, what a thoroughly unpleasant fantasy.  Helen comes to the island because she wants to know what it’s like to be famous and sexy and Roarke essentially allows her to be kidnapped by three men who apparently are planning on trafficking her.  Indeed, Roarke seems to suggest that this is Helen’s fault for wanting to be attractive in the first place.  Personally, I think Helen should sue Fantasy Island for all its worth.

As for the other fantasy, Paul Williams plays an eccentric Texas banker named Donald Quick.  His fantasy is to be Don Quixote.  (That’s a weird fantasy but whatever.)  Soon, Donald and his lawyer (David Doyle) are riding their donkeys across Fantasy Island while dressed up like conquistadors.  Donald saves a woman from a motorcycle gang and you have to wonder just what exactly a motorcycle gang is doing on Fantasy Island.  He saves another woman (Mary Louis Weller) from her louse of a boyfriend (Robert F. Lyons) and then he jousts with a Cadillac.  It’s silly but at least Donald finds love and David Doyle gets a few funny lines over how much he wants to sue Fantasy Island.

Honestly, this episode could have been saved if the two fantasies had intersected.  If Donald and his lawyer had turned up to battle the kidnappers and save Helen, this actually would have been an okay episode and the lawyer could have helped Helen file a lawsuit against Roarke.  But instead, the fantasies stay separate and the whole thing just feels icky.  Seriously, Mr. Roarke was not on top of his game of this week.  It might be time to give Tattoo more responsibility.