Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
Time to get back to 1st & Ten. To be honest, with all the excitement of the holiday season, I totally forgot that I was reviewing this show.
Episode 2.8 “Easy Come, Easy Go”
(Dir by Burt Brinckerhoff, originally aired on January 6th, 1987)
This is yet another episode of 1st & Ten that felt as if it was put together almost at random.
Mad Dog (Tony Longo) has a one night stand with a lawyer named Molly (June Chadwick) and he ends up becoming obsessed with her. He shows up at a fancy cocktail party being hosted by Molly’s law firm. “This man is stalking me!” Molly yells. All of the men at the party are like, “Mad Dog! You’re my favorite player!” Now, I will say that this is a realistic portrayal of how most men act whenever they see a professional athlete but it still felt a bit icky to watch.
Jethro takes a blood test and discovers that little Tommy is not his son. But he still wants to be a part of the kid’s life.
Yinessa sees a tabloid newspaper headline about his “nude pictures” and starts yelling at a supermarket manager for selling the paper.
Waldren is in financial trouble because he’s been tossing money around. A group of gamblers approach him and offer to pay to shave points. OJ Simpson (in the role of offensive coordinator T.D. Parker) tells Waldren, “I’m keeping my eye on you.” Oh no! LOOK OUT, WALDREN!
However, Waldren does not shave points. Instead, he catches the ball that seals the Bulls victory in their first playoff game. Woo hoo! Go, Waldren!
A lot happened but, in typical 1st & Ten fashion, none of it added up to much. It could be because the streaming episodes were edited for syndication but this is just a weird show. Every episode feels as if their huge chunks of plot missing.
Mad bomber Rollo Dillon (Fred Ward) has been hired by terrorists to bomb a major American institution. Captain Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) and Detective Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) know that there’s only one man who can handle this job and his name is Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen). Frank, however, has retired from Police Squad and promised his wife, Jane (Priscilla Presley), that he is through with police work.
At heart, Frank remains a cop. He even dreams of shoot-outs. When he tries to do police work without Jane noticing, it backfires on him. Even though Frank lies and claims that he’s just having an affair, Jane leaves him. Frank, with nothing better to do, goes into prison undercover to gain Rollo’s confidence. After Rollo and Frank escape, Frank discovers that Rollo and his girlfriend (Anna Nicole Smith) is planning on bombing the Academy Awards!
The Naked Gun 33 1/3 is the weakest of the original Police Squad films, which is to say that it’s still pretty funny, even if some of the jokes no longer feel as fresh as they did in the previous films. It opens with a brilliant send-up of the shoot-out from The Untouchables and it ends with a perfect parody of the Academy Awards. (Pia Zadora singing This Could Be The Start Of Something Big is funny because it’s exactly the sort of thing that used to happen at the Oscars.) It’s in the middle section that the film drags, though there are still things that made me laugh, like a flashback to Frank, Ed, and Nordberg in the 70s. David Zucker did not return to direct this installment and his absence is definitely felt.
Leslie Nielsen is as funny as ever and he’s well-matched with George Kennedy and Priscila Presley. (OJ Simpson’s presence is as awkward as ever.) Fred Ward plays his villainous role straight, a smart move. But then you’ve got Anna Nicole Smith, who was such a terrible actress that her presence in the film doesn’t even work as a joke. Whenever Smith shows up, the film grinds to a halt. It’s the worst type of stunt casting.
This was Leslie Nielsen final performance as Frank Drebin. Even in a lesser film, he was still a comedic treasure.
Now separated from Jane (Priscilla Presley) and working in Washington D.C., Frank (Leslie Nielsen) finds himself investigating a bombing at the offices of Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer (Richard Griffiths), an advocate of renewable energy who has just been put in charge of America’s energy policies by President George H.W. Bush (John Roarke, who was better-known for playing Ronald Reagan on Friday’s). With the help of Captain Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) and Officer Nordberg (O.J. Simpson), Drebin’s investigation leads him to Quentin Haspburg (Robert Goulet), an oilman who is plotting on replacing Dr. Meinheimer with a double. It also leads him back to Jane, who is now working as an assistant to Meinheimer and being wooed by Hapsburg.
The Naked Gun 2 1/2 is a worthy sequel to the first Naked Gun. It’s more plot-heavy than the first film and some of the jokes feel a little bit too familiar but it’s still a very funny film. That’s largely due to Neilsen, Kennedy, and Presley, all of whom really commit to playing their absurd characters. (Robert Goulet gives a game performance but he really can’t match Ricardo Montalban’s villainous turn in the first movie.) Nielsen was probably the only actor alive who could keep a straight face even while hitting Barbara Bush in the face while opening a door and then struggling to eat lobster at a state dinner. As was often the case with the ZAZ films (even though Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker didn’t have anything to do with the screenplay of the sequel), the funniest moments are also the most random and the stupidest. I laughed a lot harder than I should have at Leslie Neilsen struggling with a very small towel that had been thrown against his face. And don’t worry, O.J. Simpson fans. Nordberg gets injured in this movie too.
Leslie Nielsen was one of those actors who could make anything funny. Whether he was delivering his hard-boiled dialogue or doing absurd physical comedy with an absolutely straight face, it was impossible not to laugh when Leslie Nielsen was onscreen. He was a true cinematic treasure.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), a true American hero.
Even though Frank is just a Los Angeles cop, he still goes to the Middle East and disrupts a conference of America’s greatest enemies. He beats up Fidel Castro. He knocks out Gadafi and Yasser Arafat. He cleans Gorbachev’s head. (“I knew it!” he says as the birthmark disappears.) He takes out Idi Amin and he sends the Ayatollah Khomeini through a window. Thirty-seven years ago, this scene opened The Naked Gun and, after all that time, it is still funny because Leslie Nielsen plays it all with a straight face, delivering his silly lines without flinching. It’s also interesting that none of the leaders taken down by Frank Drebin are around anymore. Khomeini died just a few months after this film came out. Gorbachev was the last to go, in 2022, by which time he was no longer an enemy. Consider it the Frank Drebin Effect. He’s making the world safe for democracy.
When Drebin returns to Los Angeles, he’s informed by Captain Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) that Police Squad has been put in charge of security for a visit from Queen Elizabeth (Jeanette Charles) and that Officer Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) is in the hospital and suspected of being a dirty cop. The Mayor (Nancy Marchand) doesn’t want Los Angeles to be embarrassed by a police scandal before the Queen arrives so Drebin has 24 hours to exonerate Nordberg. Drebin’s attempt to clear Nordberg’s name leads him to a shipping magnate (Ricardo Montalban) who has come up with a diabolical scheme to assassinate the Queen at a baseball game. It also leads to love between Drebin and Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley).
Though Liam Neeson did a fine job in the recent reboot, there really is only one Frank Drebin and his name is Leslie Nielsen. The original Naked Gun is nearly 40 years old and, even if some of the jokes are dated, it’s still laugh out loud funny. Most of the credit has to go to Leslie Nielsen and ability to deliver even the most bizarre bits of dialogue with natural authority, gravitas and a straight face. Whether he’s mumbling his way through the National Anthem, paying an informer for information, or hamming it up as an umpire, Nielsen is never less than hilarious. By the end of the movie, it’s impossible to look at Nielsen without laughing. Kennedy, Presely, and Montalban also generate their share of laughs. John Houseman has a great cameo as an unflappable driving instructor. (“Now, extend your middle finger.”) As for OJ Simpson, he doesn’t seem to be in on the joke like the rest of the cast but he does frequently get injured and re-injured throughout the movie and there’s definitely some pleasure to be found in that.
(When Simpson died, director David Zucker said, “His acting was a lot like his murdering: He got away with it, but no one believed him.” That sounds about right.)
Liam Neeson made for a fine Frank Drebin, Jr. I hope he has many more adventures. But the greatest Frank Drebin will always be Leslie Nielsen and the original Naked Gun will always be one of my favorite comedies. Sometimes, it’s good just to laugh.
1976’s The Cassandra Crossing opens with a shot of the headquarters of the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland. Though the film (and the shot) may be from the 70s, one look at the ugly brutalism of the WHO’s headquarters is all it takes to understand the mentality that, nearly 50 years later, would lead to the organization serving as China’s mouthpiece during the COVID pandemic.
Three Swedish terrorists attack the American mission at the WHO. One of them is killed by a guard. Another immediately falls victims to an unidentified disease that is apparently a new form of the Bubonic plague. The third (Lou Castel) escapes and boards a train that is heading for Sweden. Two Americans, Col. MacKenzie (Burt Lancaster) and Major Stack (John Phillip Law), and Swedish doctor Elena Stadner (Ingrid Thulin), try to figure out how to stop the spread of the infection.
While the infected terrorist lurches around the train, the passengers go through their own personal dramas. Renowned neurologist Jonathan Chamberlain (Richard Harris) flirts with his ex-wife, writer Jennifer Rispoli (Sophia Loren). Wealthy Nicole Dressler (Ava Gardner, whose voice sounds like a cigarette ad) boards the train with her heroin-addicted younger boyfriend, Robby Navarro (a long-haired, dark glasses-wearing Martin Sheen, acting up a storm and apparently having a lot of fun for once). Herman Kaplan (Lee Strasberg) is a regular on the train, a Holocaust survivor who enjoys a good chess game with the conductor, Max (Lionel Stander). Haley (OJ Simpson) is a narcotics agent who is disguised as a priest. Susan (Ann Turkel) is the hippie who just wants to have sex with her boyfriend (Ray Lovelock) but who keeps getting interrupted by other passengers. When she complains about already having had to already deal with one “sweaty pervert” during the day, Chamberlain replies, “Which sweaty pervert?” By this point, Chamberlain knows about the infected man and is trying to track him down before he can infect anyone else on the train.
The Cassandra Crossing is several films in one. It’s an all-star disaster film. It’s medical thriller. Once Col. MacKenzie decides that the best way to deal with the train (and to cover-up the fact that America was researching germ warfare) would be to send the train over the infamous Cassandra Crossing, an unstable bridge that is on the verge of collapse, it becomes a conspiracy thriller. It’s all a bit ludicrous, though in this post-pandemic age, there is definitely a renewed power to the images of Hazmat suit-wearing soldiers carrying submachine guns and threatening to kill anyone who resists going into quarantine. When it comes to films that make Hazmat suits look menacing, The Cassandra Crossing can proudly stand with George Romero’s The Crazies and Zombi 3.
Of course, with any disaster film, the real purpose of the movie is to gather together a collection of familiar faces and then allow the viewer to spend two hours trying to guess who will survive and who will not. The cast is full of actors who all probably deserved a better script. Richard Harris, Burt Lancaster, and Ingrid Thulin all look somewhat embarrassed. Ava Gardner and Martin Sheen fully embrace the melodrama. In fact, it’s hard for me to think of any other movie where Sheen actually seemed to be having as much fun as he does while playing the drug-addicted, prone-to-histrionics mountain climber in The Cassandra Crossing. As was typical of his film career, O.J. Simpson gives a very earnest performance. He’s not exactly good but it’s obvious that he’s trying really hard and it would make him likable if not for the fact that he’s O.J. Simpson, just 20 years away from getting away with murder. Out of the ensemble cast, Lionel Stander, Lee Strasberg, and Sophia Loren are the one who probably come the closest to actually giving good performances. Loren’s husband, Carlo Ponti, produced the film with Sir Lew Grade and Loren gives a performance that is blessed with the confidence of knowing her career had survived far worse than The Cassandra Crossing.
The Cassandra Crossing is the epitome of a film that’s not necessarily good but which is definitely entertaining. Between the drama-stuffed plot and the overwritten dialogue and the performances of Gardner and Sheen, it’s campy in the way that only an overproduced 70s disaster film can be. For certain viewers, there’s undoubtedly a lot of joy to be found in the scenes in which the passengers finally start to stand up to the authoritarians trying to force them into quarantine. That said, this is one of those films where we’re not meant to get particularly upset about hundreds of innocent people dying just because the main characters managed to come through unscathed. The film’s ending is right up there with Man of Steel as far as needless destruction is concerned. Fortunately, the ending also features some terrible miniature shots, all of which remind us not to take it all too seriously.
To paraphrase another 70s film: “Forget it, Jake. It’s The Cassandra Crossing.“
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
The Bulls are in the playoffs!
Episode 2.7 “Yinessa’s Interview”
(Dir by Burt Brinckerhoff, originally aired on December 30th, 1986)
Last week, training camp finally ended.
This week, the Bulls are in the playoffs!
Wow, we skipped the entire regular season. Well, that’s okay. It was obvious from the start that the Bulls were going to make it to the playoffs so why hold off on the inevitable? Tom Yinessa has led the Bulls to a spot in the Wildcard and woo hoo!
The only problem is that Yinessa hasn’t had time to get laid. When he does try to make time for Christy (Betsy Russell) — who I guess is his new girlfriend because she wasn’t his girlfriend an episode ago — they are interrupted by reporter Donna Starkey (Brianne Leary), who needs to finish up her interview with Yinessa. Christy leaves angry but then she returns to make up for Yinessa, just to discover him on the verge of fooling around with Donna.
While all of this is going, the other team tries to fool the Bulls by sending them a fake playbook. Coach Denardo thinks that it’s genuine but T.D. Parker is like, “I’ll kill you if you use that playbook! I’ve done it before!” Also a woman tells Jethro that he’s the father of her son. Jethro is skeptical but he agrees to get a paternity test.
Donna writes an article about how Yinessa is an unimpressive quarterback. But the Bulls still win their playoff game by relying on defense. Mad Dog Smears angrily notes that reporters never want to interview anyone defense …. wait a minute, where’s Dr. Death? Seeing as how the defense wins the game, this seems like a weird episode not to feature Dr. Death.
The Bulls win their game but Yinessa no longer has a girlfriend. Womp womp.
This episode was weirdly unsubstantial. It may be because of how the episodes have been edited for syndication to remove all of the nudity and cursing but 1st & Ten never seems to be able to develop any sort of narrative momentum. Instead of each episode building towards something, it’s usually just 20 minutes of random events that never seem to really be tied together. One could say the same thing of life in general, I suppose.
This is my final 1st & Ten review of 2025. Retro Television Reviews is taken a break for the holidays but this feature will return in January. My next 1st & Ten review will be on January 7th, 2026.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
Yay! Training camp is over!
Episode 2.6 “The Unkindest Cut”
(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 29th, 1986)
When arrogant quarterback Johnny Valentine refuses to enter drug rehab, Diana reacts by having him traded to Buffalo. Johnny may be a superstar but he won’t be playing for the Bulls. That means that Yinessa, the player who nearly kicked off the team twice, is now the starting quarterback. Yinessa also makes up with his girlfriend (Katherine Kelly Lang) so I guess he’s having a good week.
Bubba has to lose five pounds to retain his starting position. When he goes in to be weighed, it appears that he’s only lost four pounds. Bubba quickly takes off his gold watch and he makes weight! Good for Bubba, I guess.
Finally, Rick Lampert (Marcus Allen) shows up at training camp is given a number 32 jersey by T.D. Parker (O.J. Simpson). Lampert’s like, This is your number. Parker replies that the number now belongs to Lampert. Awwww! In the role of T.D. Parker, O.J. Simpson has a way of slashing his way to the heart of the matter,
Training camp finally ended with this episode and I’m glad about that because those training camp episodes were getting really dull. I have to be honest, though. We’re halfway through the second season and I still don’t feel like I know any of these characters. Donald Gibb occasionally makes me laugh as Dr. Death. And, as T.D. Parker, OJ Simpson seems like a really nice guy. Otherwise, though, this show feels oddly hollow. Of course, that may be because I’m watching the syndicated version, which apparently edited out a lot of nudity and bad behavior on the part of the players.
Oh well. Let’s see how the team does! This episode ends with Diana saying she wants to win a championship. Does Yinessa have it in him to lead the team with victory? With OJ Simpson as his coach, he better!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
Victory’s yours …. for that taking….
Ugh, let’s do this.
Episode 2.5 “California Freeze Out”
(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 22nd, 1986)
Training camp continues!
Oh, Good Lord, does it continue.
And look, I get it. This was a low-budget show that relied on stock footage for the majority of its game footage. There was probably only so much footage available. Not every episode could feature a game. And training camp is an important part of football and I’m sure that, back in 1986, HBO was proud of that set they built for the ugly bar where all the players hang out. It’s not a bad set. You look at it and you can literally smell the rancid combination of sweat and urine that seems to follow most male athletes.
But seriously …. I’M TIRED OF TRAINING CAMP! Its time to move on!
As for this episode …. hey, Waldren is already back from rehab and he’s clean! That was quick. However, shady quarterback Johnny Valentine continues to hang out with drug dealers and Waldren gives into temptation. He ends up at a raucous drug party that’s busted by the cops. Waldren jumps out of a window. His date is accidentally shot. You might think that Johnny Valentine would be in trouble considering how anti-drug the league has become but it turns out that Johnny is a star and busting him would effect ad revenue. So, Johnny gets off scot-free.
Meanwhile, O.J. Simpson — whoops, sorry, I meant to say T.D. Parker, don’t hurt me, Vengeful Spirit of O.J. — recruits a young player named Rick Lambert (Marcus Allen) to be the team’s new running back. Marcus Allen gave such a stiff performance that I immediately realized that he had to have been an actual player and it turns out that I was right. You can always tell the actual players because they’re the ones who can never summon up any emotion when they stumble through their lines. O.J. was the epitome of a player who became a bad actor but he came across as being …. well, not quite Olivier but maybe David Niven, while acting opposite Marcus Allen. Maybe that’s why Allen was added to the cast, to make O.J. look good.
Anyway, here’s hoping that O.J. and the rest of the Bulls slash their way out of training camp soon!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
This week, a player’s reputation is on the line. Can he clear his name, even though all the evidence is stacked up against him?
Episode 2.4 “Quarterbacks Tell No Tales”
(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 15th, 1986)
T.D. Parker (played by O.J. Simpson) is pissed off! The normally affable former player is angry that someone is dealing cocaine to the Bulls. The press and the commissioner both assume that the dealer is rookie quartebrack Tim Yinessa. (That guy that Yinessa caught searching his room last week? He was a reporter.) T.D. isn’t so sure. He thinks that start quarterback Johnny Valentine (Sam Jones) is responsible for the team’s cocaine problem. T.D. eventually confronts Johnny and tells him to stop with the drugs.
“25% of this league retires injured,” Johnny says, “You’re proof of that.”
T.D. gets so angry that he proceeds to stab Johnny to death punch Johnny in the chest. “Welcome to the 25%,” he says.
No, T.D. Johnny said “retired” players. Johnny’s not retiring yet. Anyway, Johnny was so coked up that he probably didn’t even feel the punch.
As for Yinessa, he nearly gets kicked off the team when the real dealer plants some cocaine in his locker. Luckily, his roommate — Jamie Waldren (Jeff Kaake) — steps forward and confesses that he was the owner of the cocaine that the reporter found in the room. Diana orders Jamie to go to rehab. “Sure, I guess,” Jamie replies.
While that’s going on, Dr. Death and Mad Dog Smears continued to harass the rookies by ordering one of them to fake a suicide attempt as a part of a practical joke. At the bar where they hang out, they also sang a song against urine testing. I’m not really sure why anyone would want to hang out at the bar, as it seems like the whole place only exists so that Dr. Death and Mad Dog can put on painfully unfunny stage shows. Dr. Death and Mad Dog also told Yinessa that they would kill him if he agreed to random urine testing in order to prove his innocence. Personally, I think Dr. Death and Mad Dog should focus on their jobs. Maybe if they did a better job protecting the other players, T.D. wouldn’t have had to retire. I mean, you can tell it’s really cutting T.D. apart that he can’t play anymore.
So, Jamie is off to rehap, Yinessa is still on the team, and T.D. didn’t have to kill anyone. All in all, it was a productive week. To be honest, it’s difficult to judge this show based on traditional standards of good and bad. Technically, every episode is bad. This week, however, was slightly less bad than usual.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
Things are getting crazy at training camp!
Episode 2.3 “A Second Chance”
(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 8th, 1986)
This week’s episode featured the unforgettable sight of O.J. Simpson tackling a knife-wielding Don Swayze and saving the life of Delta Burke.
Swayze was playing Clay Daniels, a tight end who was drafted by Coach Denardo, even though he apparently pulled a knife on a professor in college. After Clay threatened Johnny Valentine after he felt Valentine wasn’t throwing him the ball enough, Denardo explained that he drafted Clay because Clay can play football. Okay, Ernie, I guess that justifies having a knife-wielding maniac in the locker room….
After Denardo finally cut Clay from the team, Clay showed up at Diana’s house with a knife. Fortunately, Diana was able to call Denardo and T.D. Parker for help. Denardo showed up and promised he would give Clay a second chance. And then T.D. tackled Clay and grabbed that knife like a pro!
Meanwhile, Yinessa returned to training camp but he was not happy that his friend and roommate, wide receiver Jamie Waldren (Jeff Kaake), had a drug problem. This episode ended with Yinessa getting into a fight with someone who broke into their room in search of Waldren’s cocaine. An angry Yinessa flushed all of Waldren’s cocaine. Considering that this episode also featured Diana being named Chairperson of the League’s Anti-Drug Committee, I’m sure this won’t lead to any sort of awkwardness with the team.
Much like last week’s episode, this episode was so melodramatic and over-the-top that I couldn’t help but enjoy it. Drugs, training camp, and knives! Will the Bulls make it to the Championship Game a second year in a row? It’s not looking good but, considering that they have O.J. Simpson’s razor-sharp instincts at their disposal, I wouldn’t count them out yet!
Through the Shattered Lens 