Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.27 and 28 “Country Music Jamboree”

Posted on November 26, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Love Boat goes a little bit country.

Episodes 6.27 and 6.28 “Country Music Jamboree”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 30th, 1983)

It’s the special, two-hour country music cruise!

I have to admit that I lost interest in this episode as soon as I saw the banner in the Love Boat lobby that read “County Music Jamboree.” Country music’s not my thing. I lost even more interest when Florence Henderson showed up as country singer Annabelle Folker. Florence Henderson was a frequent guest on both Fantasy Island and The Love Boat and I can’t think of a single time that I was ever happy to see her name in the credits. Whenever she appeared, she almost always seemed like she was trying too hard. Her performances always brought to mind dinner theater and holiday special guest spots.

Annabelle was traveling with her boyfriend (Bert Convy) and the three orphans (Michael Evans, Angela Lee Sloan, and Neil Billingsley) that she was planning on adopting. The problem was that her boyfriend didn’t want to adopt the kids. But then, he changed his mind because the show was nearly over and the storyline needed a happy ending. Seriously, the kids were obnoxious as Hell.

While that went on, singer Holly Hartmann (Jessica Walter) was upset to discover that her husband (Mel Tillis) was secretly writing songs for an up-and-coming singer named C.G. Thomas (Tanya Tucker). Holly was not happy when she found out but then she sang Stand By Your Man and that solved everything.

The Love Boat chef (Pat Buttram) was upset that his kitchen implements kept disappearing. That’s because Isaac, Doc, Gopher, and Julie were stealing them so that they could form a country-western band. Meanwhile, two fat people (Kenny Price and Lulu Roman) boarded the boat and never stopped eating.

(Don’t give me that look, I didn’t write the script.)

Effie Skaggs (Minnie Pearl) sold homemade elixirs from her cabin while Doc attempted to romance her granddaughter (Misty Rowe). When Effie got sick, she refused to accept any of Doc’s strange modern medicine. No antibiotics for Effie Skaggs!

Jeannie Davis (Beth Howland) feared that her husband (Steve Kanaly) would learn that her latest piece of jewelry was given to her by a man with whom she had an affair. A jewelry appraiser (Sherman Hemsley) insisted on finding out how much the jewelry was worth. Jeannie feared that her husband would suspect something was amiss when he discovered how expensive it really was. She begged the appraiser to lie about how much it was worth. The appraiser said that he could not risk damaging his reputation but then he decided to lie anyway.

Gopher and Isaac tried to get a picture with Dottie West (a singer who played herself) but Dottie just wanted to rest.

Is that it? Is that all of the storylines or is that just all my exhausted mind can remember? Seriously, this was a busy two-hour episode. It was an annoying episode too. Maybe I’d feel differently if I was into country music. Of the guest stars, Mel Tillis and Jessica Walter gave the best performances. Of the Love Boat crew, no one came out of this episode with their dignity intact.

This was a cruise to miss.

This cruise? This cruise was a perfect 10 out of 10 on the How Coked Up Was Julie Scale.

Miracle On Ice (1981, directed by Steven Hilliard Stern)

Posted on June 10, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

On February 22nd, 1980, the U.S. Olympic Hockey team pulled off one of the greatest upsets in sports history when they defeated the Soviet team during the Winter Olympics. At a time when America was struggling under Jimmy Carter and the Soviet Union appeared to be winning the propaganda war, a group of unheralded college students brought the U.S. together in celebration as they defeated the Soviets and then went on to defeat Finland for the gold medal.

Everyone knows that the Miracle On Ice, as it was called, served as the basis of the Disney film Miracle, with Kurt Russell playing coach Herb Brooks. What is now forgotten is that the story was first recreated in 1981, with a made-for-tv movie called Miracle On Ice. Who played Herb Brooks in that movie?

Karl Malden.

Keep in mind, Herb Brooks was 42 years-old when the U.S. team defeated the Soviets and he was a former player himself. Malden was 69 when he starred in Miracle On Ice and didn’t look like he had ever worn skates in his life. Malden is convincingly grumpy and hard-nosed as Brooks but he’s still very miscast and the movie misses the point that one of the reasons why Brooks could coach the young American team was because he was still relatively young himself. The actors playing the members of the team are better cast, with Andrew Stevens playing team leader Mike Eruzione and Steve Guttenberg cast as goalie Jim Craig. A lot of time is devoted to Craig’s financial difficulties and his fear that remaining an amateur for the Olympics, instead of going pro, will continue to make life difficult for his family. On the one hand, it is messed up that the U.S., at the time, did not allow its Olympians to turn professional. On the other hand, the fact all of the players were considered to be “amateurs’ made their victory over the Soviets all the more special.

It takes a while for Miracle on Ice to get to the main event. There’s a lot of scenes of Brooks dealing with everyone’s skepticism and Eurozione trying to keep the players from giving up in the face of the Soviet Union’s previous domination of the game. Once the movie does finally reach the Winter Olympics, it relies on actual footage from the game, which is actually pretty cool. Watching the real footage, you can still feel the growing excitement in both the stadium and the broadcast booth as people started to realize that the American team was going to pull it off and defeat the Soviets. It’s impossible not to be inspired by the Soviet Union getting humiliated by a bunch of American college players. The Soviets may have had the performance enhancing drugs but the Americans had the spirit!

Of the two films about America’s victory, Miracle is definitely the one to see but Miracle On Ice still pays tribute to a great moment.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

Posted on December 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a two-hour special!

Episodes 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

The Love Boat crew is back in Australia, sailing from Sydney to Fiji and back again. The Captain remembers his time in the Navy and a lost love who he met while serving in the South Pacific. Julie remembers her love affair with Tony and how he left her at the altar after he discovered that he was dying. Anthony Andrews, who played Tony, is listed as being a guest star on this episode but he only appears in archival footage. Tony, we learn, has died but his brother, David (Brendon Lunney), assures Julie that her letters to him provided him with much comfort during his final days.

(David only appears for a minute or two, when Julie visits the animal preserve where Tony worked. Still, in that minute, he and Julie have so much chemistry that I found myself hoping that David would spontaneously propose to her.)

As for the cruise, the majority of the cabins are populated by the relatives of William Otis Farnsworth (Lloyd Bridges). Farnsworth is one of the richest men in the world and he’s taking a cruise with his entire family because he wants to see who is truly worthy of inheriting his fortune. The ship is full of people looking to get rich, including:

Jenny (Moran Fairchild) and Bud Boyer (Grant Goodeve), who are hoping that William will not discover that they’ve recently gotten divorced,
Hazel (Patti MacLeod) and Frank Fransworth (Russell Newman), who hope that Hazel imitating William’s deceased wife will cause William to mention them favorably in his will,
Marcia (Jessica Walter), who was married to William’s brother and who has basically hired gold digger Jessica Halberson (Linda Evans) to seduce and marry William, and
Burl “Gopher” Smith, who thinks that he might be distantly related to William and who, with Isaac’s encouragement, tries to get close to William. Gopher even calls his mother (Ethel Merman) to find out if he’s a relative. She’s not much help.

Not interested in the money is William’s niece, Eloise (Beth Howland). Eloise, who is William’s administrative assistant, finds herself falling in love with William’s valet, country boy Wayne Burton (Jim Nabors). Words cannot begin to express just how annoying Jim Nabors is in this episode. “Surprise surprise surpise!” Wayne says when he shows up on the boat. “Golly!” Wayne says when a conscience-stricken Jessica tries to break up with William. I found myself covering my ears whenever Nabors appeared on screen.

The main problem here is that none of these people are remotely likable. Not even William Farnsworth is likable. He’s meant to be likable but really, he comes across as being a judgmental jerk. When Jessica tries to leave the ship and fly back to Sidney, William reacts by buying every single plane ticket on the island. Jessica can’t leave but hey …. neither can anyone else!

Far more likable was Melanie (Margaret Laurence), the daughter of the Captain’s former lover, Madeleine. Melanie is a dead-ringer for her mother and the Captain falls in love with her. Melanie also falls in love with him. She proposes marriage. Awwww! But then she realizes marrying the Captain would mean abandoning her job as a teacher so she calls the wedding off. So now, both the Captain and Julie have had their heart broken in Australia. At least they now have something to bond over.

For a two-hour episode, there really wasn’t much plot to this episode. It was largely a travelogue. There were a lot of kangaroos and koala bears and they were certainly cute. The scenery was lovely. Otherwise, this was a cruise full of rather unlikable people. Australia deserved better.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

Posted on April 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Doc’s in trouble!

Episode 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 3rd, 1981)

Carl (Lew Ayres) and his wife, Violet (Janet Gaynor), board the boat in a good mood. Carl has just retired from the post office and they’re about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Awwwww! Carl and Violet are the sweetest couple ever, frequently referring to each other by pet names. They’re also very frugal. Violet brings her own tea bag on board. Carl turns down a bottle of champagne. They are a nice old couple who know the value of pinching a penny.

But, on the morning of their anniversary, Violet tells Carl a secret and everything changes. It turns out that Violet has been buying stock for years. She based her purchases on whatever pet name Carl used for her that day. If the name started with a G, she bought General Motors. If it started with an S, she bought Standard Oil. Once, Carl used a name that started with a “Z,” and she bought stock in Xerox. She explains that she didn’t know how Xerox was spelled at the time. (So, how did she buy the stock?) Anyway, the important thing is that Carl and Violet are rich and they have been for several decades.

Carl is upset by this news. If he had known he was rich, he wouldn’t have spent years at the post office! I see his point though, to be honest, they’re not that rich. The total stock portfolio is only worth $200,000. Still, Carl and Violet stop speaking to each other. Julie, Isaac, and Gopher jump into action and throw them an anniversary party, which causes Carl and Violet to remember how much they love each other.

Meanwhile, Charley Cole (Sal Viscuso) tells Pam Madison (Lynda Goodfriend) that he’s with the CIA so that she’ll let him stay in her cabin so that he can spy on his girlfriend (Denise DuBarry) and the guy (Stephen Shortridge) with whom she is cheating. Got all that? This storyline was incredibly dumb but it was saved by the frantic performance of Sal Viscuso, who managed to make even the lamest of lines seem funny.

Finally, Sally (Jessica Walter) boards the ship with her lout of a husband, Hank (Alex Cord). Hank is the type of jerk who looks at other women while his wife is sitting right next to him. Complaining of a headache, Sally goes to Doc Bricker’s cabin for some aspirin. Doc, who has witnessed Hank’s bad behavior, is sympathetic to Sally. Later, Sally tries to make Hank jealous by saying that Doc hit on her when she went to see him.

Angered, Hank calls the captain and accuses Doc of sexually harassing his wife. The Captain is forced to suspend Doc from his duties until an investigation can be launched. The crew is shocked. Doc would never hit on a patient, they all say. Except, of course, Doc does exactly that every single episode! Seriously, Doc is a walking HR nightmare. (Fortunately, for Doc, he was played by the always likable Bernie Kopell.) When the captain makes it clear that Doc could be fired and lose his medical license, Sally admits that he never hit on her. Doc keeps his job and somehow, all of this fixes Sally and Hank’s marriage. Later, Gopher and Isaac joke about how Doc got in trouble for the one time he “didn’t hit on a passenger.” Gopher and Isaac aren’t blind to what’s happening.

This was a surprisingly effective episode. Lew Ayres and Janet Gaynor were adorable and Jessica Walter’s intense, method performance as a desperately unhappy wife provided a good change-of-pace from all of the usual Love Boat goofiness. Even with all of the CIA nonsense, this was an entertaining cruise.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.16 “Making the Grade/The Gift/Doc’s ‘Ex’ Change”

Posted on November 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Doc Bricker gets his moment in the spotlight.

Episode 3.16 “Making The Grade/The Gift/Doc’s “Ex” Change

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on December 15th, 1979)

Since the very first episode of The Love Boat, viewers have continually been told that Doctor Adam Bricker is a notorious swinger, a lothario was has been married numerous times and to whom almost every woman is immediately attracted. There’s really not much about Bernie Kopell’s likable but rather mild-mannered performance as Doc that would lead anyone to think that any of that would be true but the show insists that Dr. Bricker is a legend of the high seas.

On this week’s episode, Doc’s most recent wife, Samantha (Juliet Prowse), boards the ship. She and Doc split up a few years ago and they have a friendly relationship. However, when Samantha informs Doc that her crooked lawyer never actually filed their divorce papers, Doc realizes that they are technically still married! Will they get a quickie divorce in Mexico (which is Doc’s first idea) or will the give marriage another try? (That’s Doc’s second idea.) In the end, they realize that they are just too different to make a marriage work. Samantha is smart and practical, while Doc is …. well, actually, Doc is the exact same way. Doc insists that he and Samantha don’t have much in common but actually, they have a lot in common. I think Doc is kind of fooling himself into thinking that he’s more of an impulsive wild man than he really is. Anyway, at the end of the cruise, they decide to get divorced but at least they still like each other. Doc never quit gets his heart broken like the rest of the cast does. I guess that’s why he’s a legend.

Meanwhile, Vicki finally gets someone her own age to hang out with when Danny Harris (Johnny Timko) boards with his mother, Madeline (Jessica Walter). Unfortunately, Danny is also kind of a spoiled brat and he’s really not happy when he discovers that his teacher, John Hurley (Dick Gautier), is also on board. And then Danny is even more upset when John starts to romance Madeline. And really, Danny has a point. No one wants to see their teacher (or their boss) while they are on vacation. And seriously, no one wants to deal with the idea of their teacher (or, again, their boss) suddenly becoming their stepfather. That said, Danny eventually makes peace with the idea of his mom dating his teacher and everyone leaves the boat happy.

The final storyline features one of those plots that drives me crazy, because it could have easily been resolved by everyone not acting like an idiot. Buddy Redmond (Red Buttons) boards the boat with his wife, Joan (Kaye Ballard). Buddy claims that it’s been years since he last gambled but actually, he’s lying. He has $2,000 in his suit pocket, money that he got from his bookie. Joan doesn’t know about it. When Joan hears that two other passengers, Benny Carter (frequent Love Boat guest star Sonny Bono) and Sally (Ronee Blakely), have lost their luggage, she donates Buddy’s jacket so that Benny will have something to wear at dinner. When the envelope containing the money falls out of the jacket, Benny and Sally think that all of their financial problems have been solved. Meanwhile, Buddy desperately wants to get back both the jacket and the money but he doesn’t want his wife to find out why. Meanwhile, Benny and Sally need the money but they don’t want to steal it if it actually did fall out the jacket so they try to convince themselves that the envelope could have been left in their cabin by a previous passenger who is no longer on the boat. Seriously, it’s exhausting to try to keep up with these people. Fortunately, once Buddy discovers that Benny and Sally really need the money, he lets them keep it. Joan is so touched that she totally forgets about the fact that her husband is apparently still a degenerate gambler.

Even by Love Boat standards, this was a silly episode. At the same time, it was a pleasant diversion. Juliet Prowse and Bernie Kopell made a nice couple, even if you never quite bought the idea of Doc being a playboy. Red Buttons wisely underplayed his role and therefore, Buddy remained sympathetic even while demanding the return of his jacket. Even Sonny Bono and Ronee Blakely were likable as a nice couple who found themselves in over their heads. This cruise was silly but pleasant.

The Unnominated: Play Misty For Me (dir by Clint Eastwood)

Posted on October 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Though the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences claim that the Oscars honor the best of the year, we all know that there are always worthy films and performances that end up getting overlooked. Sometimes, it’s because the competition too fierce. Sometimes, it’s because the film itself was too controversial. Often, it’s just a case of a film’s quality not being fully recognized until years after its initial released. This series of reviews takes a look at the films and performances that should have been nominated but were, for whatever reason, overlooked. These are the Unnominated.

In 1971, Clint Eastwood made his directorial debut with Play Misty For Me.

Eastwood plays Dave Garver, a DJ at a Carmel-By-The-Sea jazz station who has ambitions to some day go national. Every night, a woman named Evelyn (Jessica Walter) calls Dave and asks him to “Play Misty for me.” Eventually, Dave meets Evelyn in a bar and he takes her home with him. After sleeping with her, Dave tells Evelyn that he’s only interested in having a casual relationship. Evelyn, however, reveals that she has a far different interpretation of casual. Soon, Evelyn is dropping by Dave’s house unannounced and acting rather clingy, even appearing to attempt suicide when Dave tries to tell her that he’s not interested in having a serious relationship with her.

At first, it’s hard not to feel bad for Evelyn. Yes, she’s obviously unstable. Yes, she’s clingy. Yes, the scene in which she intentionally ruins Dave’s interview for a national job is difficult to watch. But there’s something so sincere and desperate about her need to have someone in her life that, again, it’s hard not to have sympathy for her. When she claims that Dave took advantage of her when they first met, she’s got a point. Dave obviously felt that Evelyn was a one-night stand that he would never have to see again. Evelyn feels differently.

Things chance when Dave eventually runs into his former girlfriend, Tobie Williams (Donna Mills). Dave and Tobie tentatively restart their relationship. When Evelyn finds out, she goes from being clingy to be homicidal. She goes from trashing Dave’s place to attacking Dave’s housekeeper to attacking Dave and Tobie themselves.

An assured directorial debut, Play Misty For Me shows that Eastwood had a strong directorial sensibility from the start. (It also shows, during an extended sequence in which Dave and Tobie attend a jazz festival, that Eastwood was always capable of being rather self-indulgent.) Eastwood uses the film to deconstruct his own confident persona, with Dave going from being a somewhat callous womanizer to ultimately being terrified for his life. The film is dominated by Jessica Walter’s performance as Evelyn. Walter is sad and terrifying, often in the same scene. Though the film doesn’t dig into what happened in Evelyn’s past to drive her to such extremes, Jessica Walter’s performance leaves no doubt that she’s someone who has been hurt by the world and is now so desperate for love and protection that she’ll strike out at anyone who she feels is denying it to her.

As a horror movie that was directed by an actor who, at the time, was still not a favorite of the critics, it’s perhaps not surprising that the Academy ignored Play Misty For Me. Still, it’s a shame. If nothing else, Jessica Walter’s performance was far more memorable that Janet Suzman’s nominated turn in the painfully dull Nicholas and Alexandra. It’s a brave performance and one that more than deserved to be honored.

Previous entries in The Unnominated:

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 1.24 “This Business of Love / Crash Diet Crush / I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”

Posted on February 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Let’s set sail for adventure!

Episode 1.24 “This Business of Love / Crash Diet Crush / I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on May 13th, 1978)

This week’s episode of The Love Boat is all about dealing with the past.

For instance, Captain Stubing is shocked when his old high school girlfriend, Jocelyn (Jessica Walter), boards the boat. He’s even more shocked when Jocelyn points out that he’s gained a bit of weight since high school. I have to admit that I was also shocked that Jocelyn — or anyone for that matter — would react to seeing an old friend by immediately pointing that out. Even worse, Jocelyn makes a joke about how one of their other friends no longer has his hair. This, of course, leads to the Captain refusing to take off his hat and going on a crash diet in an effort to lose weight. This makes the Captain cranky and his beleaguered staff finally rig his scale to make Stubing think that he’s lost more weight than he has. This gives Stubing the courage to tell Jocelyn that he’s fallen in love with her.

I had two thoughts on this storyline. First off, Jocelyn’s kind of a bitch and Captain Stubing, while being a bit of a handful himself, still deserves better than someone who greets him by informing him that he’s no longer as impressive as he was in high school. Secondly, I didn’t really buy that Stubing would be that insecure in the first place. He’s the captain of the ship! He’s in charge! That takes a certain amount of confidence. In order to be a captain, you have to have the respect of your crew and it’s hard to imagine the crew respecting a captain who literally refuses to take off his hat because his high school girlfriend is on the cruise.

Meanwhile, Nate (Michael Callan) and Roberta (Annette Funicello) are both depressed because, over the past year, they’ve both lost their spouses. They meet on the boat and it’s obvious to everyone that they’re meant to be together. Isaac certainly sees it! But both Nate and Roberta say that they’re through with love. Fortunately, an obnoxiously happy couple (played by Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie) are also on the ship as a reminder that love can live forever. This was a standard Love Boat storyline. (Even though the show was still only in its first season, this was not the first time The Love Boat featured a depressed widow finding love on the cruise.) But Funicello and Callen were both sympathetic in their roles and I was happy they found each other.

Finally, Jill (Caren Kaye) is a former high-priced escort who is setting sail for a new life. On the Boat, she meets Bill (Christopher George) and they fall in love. Jill doesn’t want Bill to find out about her past life. Unfortunately, one of her former clients (Jack Carter) is also on the boat, traveling with his wife (Jayne Meadows). Again, this was a standard Love Boat story but it worked largely due to the chemistry between Caren Kaye and Christopher George.

This was an okay episode. The storylines were predictable and a bit forgettable but the guest stars brought a lot of charm to their roles. It was an pleasant cruise. I just hope Captain Stubing stops being so hard on himself!

Hurricane (1974, directed by Jerry Jameson)

Posted on July 12, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Hurricane Hilda is crashing down on the Gulf Coast and everyone in its path is about to get all wet. While Will Geer and Michael Learned try to warn everyone about the approaching hurricane, coast guard pilot Martin Milner observes the storm from the air and tires to rescue everyone in its path. Some people listen and some people don’t. Milner’s own father, played by Barry Sullivan, ends up getting stranded in a cabin while Larry Hagman and Jessica Walter play a married couple on a boat who find themselves sailing straight into the storm. On temporarily dry land, Frank Sutton (a.k.a. Gomer Pyle’s Sgt. Carter) plays a homeowner who refuses to evacuate because he’s convinced that he knows everything there is to know about hurricanes. He and the neighbors have a drunken party while waiting for the storm. When Patrick Duffy and his wife announce that they’re heading for safety, Sutton demands that they come in and have a beer with him. When Hilda finally makes landfall, some survive and some don’t.

Hurricane is a by-the-numbers disaster movie. It was made after The Poseidon Adventure and during the same year as The Towering Inferno and it hits all the usual disaster movie beats. Survival is determined by karma, with Hilda going after anyone who was too big of a jerk during the first half of the movie. It’s predictable stuff but it does feature footage from an actual hurricane so it’s at least not too dragged down by any of the bad special effects that always show up in made-for-TV disaster films.

This is one of those films where the cast was probably described as being all-star, even though most of them were just TV actors who needed a quick paycheck. Seen today, the film feels like a MeTV reunion special. Years before they played brothers in Dallas, both Larry Hagman and Patrick Duffy appeared in Hurricane, though neither of them shares any scenes. Will Geer and Michael Learned were starring on The Waltons when they appeared in this movie and they’re in so few scenes that they probably shot their scenes over a weekend before returning to Walton’s Mountain. The best performance is from Frank Sutton, who died of a heart attack just a few weeks after this movie aired. He’s a convincing hothead, even if he doesn’t have Gomer around to yell at.

Hurricane may be bad but it’s still not as terrible as most made-for-TV disaster movies. People who enjoy watching TV actors pretending to stare at a tidal wave of water about to crash down on them will find this film to be an adequate time waster.

Women In Chains (1972, directed by Bernard L. Kowalksi)

Posted on May 14, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Sandra Parker (Lois Nettleton) is the world’s most dedicated parole officer. After one of her parolees is sent back to prison and then dies under mysterious circumstances, Sandra decides to investigate on her own. For Sandra, this means changing her name to Sally Porter and arranging to be sent to prison on a phony charge. For some reason, Sandra/Sally only tells one other person what she’s doing. The plan is for Sandra to spend two weeks undercover and then her friend, fellow parole officer Helen (Penny Fuller), will reveal the truth to the proper authorities and get Sandra sprung from prison. It doesn’t work out that away, as Helen is killed in the line of duty shortly after Sandra finds herself behind bars.

The prison is run by the tyrannical Claire Tyson (Ida Lupino!), a matron who is more interested in exercising power than in rehabilitation. Claire’s main enforcer is a butch prisoner named Dee Dee (Jessica Walter!!). As soon as she enters the prison, Sandra gets on Tyson’s bad side. Sandra asks too many questions and makes the mistake of demanding that her fellow prisoners be treated humanely. Sandra even demands that a prisoner be given aspirin for a migraine, which is the type insubordination that leads to a stay in solitary. (What’s strange is that, in solitary, Sandra ends up sharing a cell with another prisoner which I would think would defeat the purpose of being in solitary.) With Tyson openly plotting to kill her and the only person who knows where she is dead, Sandra has to figure out a way to escape the prison and reveal the truth about what goes on behind bars.

Compared to most women-in-prison films, Women in Chains is pretty tame. This is a women-in-prison film that you could safely watch with grandma. This one was made for early 70s television, so there’s no nudity, no strong language, and even the required prison riot is restrained. The film asks us to believe that Sandra would not only be stupid enough to only let one person know that she was going undercover but also that a parole officer could somehow walk around the prison without running into any prisoners who she previously dealt with. Obviously, the film’s plot is not its strong point but viewers with an appreciation for camp will undoubtedly enjoy the performances of Ida Lupino and Jessica Walter. They rule that cell block with an iron fist and are entertaining to watch.

An Olympic Film Review: Goldengirl (dir by Joseph Sargent)

Posted on February 13, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1979 film Goldengirl is a film that I had wanted to see ever since I first came across this trailer on one of the 42nd Street Forever compilation DVDs:

Wow, I wondered. What was Goldengirl’s secret and why was she ordering James Coburn to kiss her feet? For that matter, why did James Coburn have a haircut that made him look exactly like this old lady who used to live next door to my grandma in Fort Smith? What did it all have to do with the villain from The Spy Who Loved Me and just how drunk was Robert Culp when he shot his scenes? Even more importantly, why did Goldengirl keep running into that wall? That looked painful!

I did some research. (That’s a fancy way of saying that I looked the movie up on Wikipedia.) I discovered that Goldengirl was made in 1979. It was originally meant to be a television miniseries that would not only air during the 1980 Summer Olympics but which would feature Goldengirl competing at those Olympics! However, during production, it was decided to just use the material for a feature film instead. (Hmmmm, I thought, behind-the-scenes drama! Intriguing!) The film was released in June of ’79 and, despite one rave review from Vincent Canby in the New York Times, the film failed at the box office. Add to that, the U.S. ultimately boycotted the 1980 summer games, which made Goldengirl‘s Olympic-set climax a bit awkward.

I also discovered that Goldengirl is nearly impossible to see. It’s never been released on DVD or Blu-ray or any digital or streaming service. So, I resigned myself to the fact that I’d probably never see Goldengirl and, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really didn’t care that much.

However, for the past few days, I have been absolutely obsessed with the Winter Olympics. Even though it was a Summer Olympic movie, I decided to go on YouTube and see if anyone had uploaded Goldengirl since I last checked.

And guess what?

They had!

Now, here’s the problem. The two guys who uploaded Goldengirl also talked over the entire movie. Don’t get me wrong. The movie looked about as good as a VHS copy of a movie from 1979 is ever going to look. And I could still follow Goldengirl‘s story, even if I sometimes had to really strain to hear the dialogue over the two guys “commenting” on it. Still, it meant that I had to put a bit more effort into watching this movie than it perhaps deserved. It was kinda hard not to resent that.

Anyway, I have finally seen Goldengirl and I can now tell you that it’s a pretty lousy movie. Goldengirl is Goldine (Susan Anton). Her father is a German scientist who used to work for the Nazis. When he came to the United States, he decided to prove that his theories of eugenics were correct by adopting a daughter and breeding her to be the world’s greatest athlete. Working with a psychiatrist named Dr. Lee (Leslie Caron, for some reason), they have not only turned Goldine into the world’s greatest athlete but they’ve also turned her into a bright, smiling media personality. (Dr. Lee has trained Goldine, through the use of a vibrator, to always give the right answer when she’s asked a question.) Now, they just need Goldine to win three gold medals at the Summer Olympics and for PR agent Jack Dryden (James Coburn) to make Goldine into a star. Dryden is the only person who really cares about Goldine as something other than an experiment or a way to make money.

Goldine spends almost the entire movie running. There’s one running montage that seems to go on forever. Susan Anton was a model when she was cast as Goldine. She’s got the right look to be a celebrity but she’s never convincing as an Olympic-class athlete. Whenever Goldine competes, we either get a close-up of Anton running in slow-motion with no other runners around her or else a long-shot that’s designed to keep us from noticing that Anton isn’t really on the track.

Really, that’s entire film. On the basis of the trailer, I was expecting that Goldengirl would turn out to be a robot or something like that. Instead, it just turns out that her stepfather has spent years injecting her with vitamins and hormones and now, as a result, she has diabetes. Seriously, that’s it. She gets pretty mad when she finds out that her handlers have put her health at risk just so she could win a race. But then she goes ahead and runs the race anyway so I guess it was all for the best. Seriously, that’s the entire freaking movie. It doesn’t help that Anton’s acting is amateurish and the rest of the cast seems bored. Only Curt Jurgens really makes much of an impression, mostly because he’s too sinister not to be memorable.

The trailer is better than the movie. That’s the secret of Goldengirl.