Tag Archives: Florence Henderson

The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994, directed by Peter Segal)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

Mad bomber Rollo Dillon (Fred Ward) has been hired by terrorists to bomb a major American institution.  Captain Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) and Detective Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) know that there’s only one man who can handle this job and his name is Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen).  Frank, however, has retired from Police Squad and promised his wife, Jane (Priscilla Presley), that he is through with police work.

At heart, Frank remains a cop.  He even dreams of shoot-outs.  When he tries to do police work without Jane noticing, it backfires on him.  Even though Frank lies and claims that he’s just having an affair, Jane leaves him.  Frank, with nothing better to do, goes into prison undercover to gain Rollo’s confidence.  After Rollo and Frank escape, Frank discovers that Rollo and his girlfriend (Anna Nicole Smith) is planning on bombing the Academy Awards!

The Naked Gun 33 1/3 is the weakest of the original Police Squad films, which is to say that it’s still pretty funny, even if some of the jokes no longer feel as fresh as they did in the previous films.  It opens with a brilliant send-up of the shoot-out from The Untouchables and it ends with a perfect parody of the Academy Awards.  (Pia Zadora singing This Could Be The Start Of Something Big is funny because it’s exactly the sort of thing that used to happen at the Oscars.)  It’s in the middle section that the film drags, though there are still things that made me laugh, like a flashback to Frank, Ed, and Nordberg in the 70s.  David Zucker did not return to direct this installment and his absence is definitely felt.

Leslie Nielsen is as funny as ever and he’s well-matched with George Kennedy and Priscila Presley.  (OJ Simpson’s presence is as awkward as ever.)  Fred Ward plays his villainous role straight, a smart move.  But then you’ve got Anna Nicole Smith, who was such a terrible actress that her presence in the film doesn’t even work as a joke.  Whenever Smith shows up, the film grinds to a halt.  It’s the worst type of stunt casting.

This was Leslie Nielsen final performance as Frank Drebin.  Even in a lesser film, he was still a comedic treasure.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.27 and 28 “Country Music Jamboree”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Love Boat goes a little bit country.

Episodes 6.27 and 6.28 “Country Music Jamboree”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 30th, 1983)

It’s the special, two-hour country music cruise!

I have to admit that I lost interest in this episode as soon as I saw the banner in the Love Boat lobby that read “County Music Jamboree.”  Country music’s not my thing.  I lost even more interest when Florence Henderson showed up as country singer Annabelle Folker.  Florence Henderson was a frequent guest on both Fantasy Island and The Love Boat and I can’t think of a single time that I was ever happy to see her name in the credits.  Whenever she appeared, she almost always seemed like she was trying too hard.  Her performances always brought to mind dinner theater and holiday special guest spots.

Annabelle was traveling with her boyfriend (Bert Convy) and the three orphans (Michael Evans, Angela Lee Sloan, and Neil Billingsley) that she was planning on adopting.  The problem was that her boyfriend didn’t want to adopt the kids.  But then, he changed his mind because the show was nearly over and the storyline needed a happy ending.  Seriously, the kids were obnoxious as Hell.

While that went on, singer Holly Hartmann (Jessica Walter) was upset to discover that her husband (Mel Tillis) was secretly writing songs for an up-and-coming singer named C.G. Thomas (Tanya Tucker).  Holly was not happy when she found out but then she sang Stand By Your Man and that solved everything.

The Love Boat chef (Pat Buttram) was upset that his kitchen implements kept disappearing.  That’s because Isaac, Doc, Gopher, and Julie were stealing them so that they could form a country-western band.  Meanwhile, two fat people (Kenny Price and Lulu Roman)  boarded the boat and never stopped eating.

(Don’t give me that look, I didn’t write the script.)

Effie Skaggs (Minnie Pearl) sold homemade elixirs from her cabin while Doc attempted to romance her granddaughter (Misty Rowe).  When Effie got sick, she refused to accept any of Doc’s strange modern medicine.  No antibiotics for Effie Skaggs!

Jeannie Davis (Beth Howland) feared that her husband (Steve Kanaly) would learn that her latest piece of jewelry was given to her by a man with whom she had an affair.  A jewelry appraiser (Sherman Hemsley) insisted on finding out how much the jewelry was worth.  Jeannie feared that her husband would suspect something was amiss when he discovered how expensive it really was.  She begged the appraiser to lie about how much it was worth.  The appraiser said that he could not risk damaging his reputation but then he decided to lie anyway.

Gopher and Isaac tried to get a picture with Dottie West (a singer who played herself) but Dottie just wanted to rest.

Is that it?  Is that all of the storylines or is that just all my exhausted mind can remember?  Seriously, this was a busy two-hour episode.  It was an annoying episode too.  Maybe I’d feel differently if I was into country music.  Of the guest stars, Mel Tillis and Jessica Walter gave the best performances.  Of the Love Boat crew, no one came out of this episode with their dignity intact.

This was a cruise to miss.

This cruise?  This cruise was a perfect 10 out of 10 on the How Coked Up Was Julie Scale.

Horror On TV: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (dir by Sid Smith)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, from 1976, we have The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.  

In this special, actor and comedian Paul Lynde celebrates Halloween with Betty White, KISS, Donny and Marie Osmond, Florence Henderson, Billy Barty, Margaret Hamilton (the original Wicked Witch of the West), and I’m going to guess a mountain of cocaine that was probably sitting backstage.

This special is definitely a product of a very certain era in America’s cultural history.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.8 “Random Choices/My Mommy, The Swinger”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, we have two more fantasies that do not feature Tattoo.  What even is the point?

Episode 7.8 “Random Choices/My Mommy, The Swinger”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on December 3rd, 1983)

Elaine Ashley (Florence Henderson) is divorced and raising two kids on her own.  Her fantasy is to be a swinger for the weekend!  Mr. Roarke arranges for Lawrence to watch the kids and then he sets Elaine up with tennis player Martin Avery (Robert Goulet).  While Lawrence attempts to explain to the kids why their mother doesn’t want them around for the weekend, Martin offers Elaine a job.  It’s a good job with a nice salary but it would require her to put her children in a boarding school.  On the plus side, I guess Elaine would finally get laid again since that seems to be her main concern.  On the negative side, no more kids.

Elaine is tempted.  In fact, Elaine is so tempted that it actually make her into a really unsympathetic character.  At first, Elaine takes the job but then, when she sees how upset her children are about no longer living with her, she changes her mind.  Hey, Elaine — how did you think the children would react!?

This fantasy irked me.  Of course, to be absolutely honest about things, Florence Henderson irks me in general.  Maybe I’m still holding the last episode of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour against her but, whenever Florence Henderson appeared on this show or on The Love Boat, the characters she played always came across as being judgmental and self-absorbed.  That’s certainly the case here.  You take your children to a tropical paradise and then you abandon them with the butler?  Really?

As for the other fantasy, it featured Jose Ferrer as a dying billionaire who needed to find someone who he could trust to give away his money to people who deserved it.  Roarke determined that person was Eddie Random (James Read), an angry young man who felt his father had been cheated by Ferrer’s tycoon.  The entire fantasy came down to Eddie proving himself by taking supplies to an Island and helping a crotchety old man come to terms with the death of his wife.

This second fantasy felt like a backdoor pilot.  It literally ended with Eddie and the billionaire leaving to have many more adventures.  As such, the fantasy itself felt rather incomplete and …. well, silly.  Why would the tycoon need Fantasy Island to help him find the right person to give away his money?  Why does he even need a person to do that?  He should have just arranged for a big scavenger hunt and whoever found the most items would get the money.  That would have been a lot more fun.

You know who always enjoyed fantasies dealing with money?  Tattoo.  I miss him.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher almost gets rich!

Episode 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 31st, 1981)

I have to admit that I groaned a bit when I saw that Florence Henderson was going to be one of the passengers on this week’s cruise.  I still haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of reviewing The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and, whenever Florence Henderson showed up on any of these shows, she always had to sing a song.  Florence wasn’t a bad singer but she wasn’t a particularly interesting one either.  I remember that she always seemed like she was trying too hard to be Barbra Streisand whenever she performed a song of the Brady Bunch Variety Hour.  Her version of Broadway and easy listening was always adequate without being very memorable.

And, on this cruise, Florence does sing.  She’s playing Annabelle Folker, a country singer who is hired to provide entertainment for the cruise.  She sing a few country songs and speaks with a thick (and not very convincing) country accent.  Annabelle is happy to discover that her childhood friend, Martin Correll (James Noble), is on the cruise with his uptight girlfriend and campaign manager, Barbara (Carol Lawrence).  Martin — or Blinky as Annabelle calls him — is thrilled to be reunited with Annabelle.  Barbara is less enthused and she eventually tells Annabelle that, if Martin is ever going to be a success in politics, he can’t spend all of his time with a country singer who says whatever pops into her head.  What’s weird is that Annabelle decides that Barbara is right.  She and Martin aren’t meant for each other.  Martin is too much of a career politician.  In the end, Martin leaves with Barbara and Annabelle leaves alone.  It was a weird story.  Annabelle came across like a stalker but Barbara wasn’t particularly sympathetic either.  Martin was just kind of wimpy.

Meanwhile, Marcy Crane (Randi Oakes) boards the boat with her father, Richard Simmons (Mason Adams).  Marcy’s just gotten a divorce and Richard is very protective of her.  At first, he’s concerned when she meets Dr. Jonathan Hunt (Frank Bonner), a veterinarian.  Once Marcy explains that she’s not going to rush into another relationship and she’s just looking for casual sex, her father gives the couple his blessing.  This was an oddly inconsequential story.

Finally, Gopher finds a bag that’s full of money!  After he counts the money, he discovers that he is now $47,612 richer!  (Adjusted for inflation, that’s the equivalent of $130,000 today.)  Or, at least, that’ll be the case if Gopher keeps the money.  But Gopher’s a good man at heart so, ultimately, he tells Captain Stubing about the money.  Stubing says that money will be Gopher’s if no one claims it at the end of the cruise.  And indeed, it turns out that the money was not lost by any of the current passengers.  Gopher’s happy until he spots a little old woman crying on the dock in Los Angeles.  She says that she took a cruise two weeks ago and lost a bag with her life’s savings.  Gopher gives her the money.  Awwwww!

This was a sweet story and it was kind of nice to see Gopher get a plotline.  Fred Grandy was a likable actor and I always like the episodes where Gopher reveals that he’s actually got a good heart underneath his goofy exterior.  This story did feature one rather silly fantasy sequence, in which Gopher imagined riding in a limousine with Stubing as his chauffeur, Julie as his wife, and Viki as a little beggar child.  It was kind of a weird fantasy, to be honest.

One good story out of three does not make for a great cruise.  I enjoyed Gopher’s plotline but the other two stories alternated between being dull and annoying.  This was not a great cruise.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.10 “A Very Strange Affair/The Sailor”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week’s episode is about angels and Flying Dutchmen.

Episode 5.10 “A Very Strange Affair/The Sailor”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on January 2nd, 1982)

This episode begins not with Mr. Roarke meeting the plane but instead with him heading out alone to the beach, where he meets a ghost ship that is being steered by Captain Hendrik Van Horton.  Captain Van Horton is the legendry Flying Dutchman, the sailor who cursed God when he failed to defeat the Spanish fleet and who is now cursed to sail the ocean until he finds a woman who not only loves him but who is “willing to sacrifice her life” for him.  Every seven years, Captain Van Horton is allowed to spend two days on dry land and he almost always comes to Fantasy Island.

And yes, this all sounds very intriguing and it is an interesting way to open this episode.  I’m so used to the stock footage of Roarke driving down to the docks that it’s always a bit jarring to see something different.  However, Captain Van Horton is also played by the reliably stiff (if likable) Peter Graves.  Graves’s deadpan and straight-forward acting style made him the ideal actor for certain roles, usually as a professional of some sort.  However, Graves’s rather stoic persona did not make him the best choice to play a tortured sea captain, cursed to sail on the ocean for an eternity.

As for his fantasy, the captain is lucky enough to be on the Island at the same time as Laura Myles (Florence Henderson), whose fantasy is to fall in love with an old-fashioned man’s man.  She falls for the Captain, despite the attempts of her ex-boyfriend, Bill (Brett Halsey), to win her back.  Unfortunately, the Captain loses his temper and punches the well-meaning Bill.  Bill is willing to forgive the Captain but Mr. Roarke explains that the Island police are not as forgiving.  (Doesn’t Mr. Roarke control the police?  It’s his Island!)  Captain Van Horton needs to marry Laura and then leave.

Captain Van Horton explains that he’s fallen in love with Laura but he can’t ask her to die for him.  Laura says that she would be willing to die for a man who she has known for a day and half.  Roarke then reveals that Laura doesn’t have to die.  She just has to be “willing to die.”  (Wow, what a silly curse!)  The Captain and Laura sail off together but you have to wonder how the Captain feels about discovering, after hundreds of years of wandering, that there was an easily exploitable loophole to the curse.

As for the other fantasy, Ron (Dick Smothers) needs some confidence so he’ll be able to talk notorious tightwad, J.D. Stoneman (Hans Conried) i,nto investing in an orphanage.  Roarke rings a bell and summons an angel, Miss Harbringer (Shelley Smith).  Miss Harbringer gives Ron a pep talk and even goes to talk to Stoneman herself.  Of course, Miss Harbringer’s real purpose is to make Ron’s wife, Elaine (Arlene Golonka), so jealous that Elaine will take over and encourage Ron to talk Stoneman into giving him the money.

Anyway, Miss Harbringer flirts with Stoneman and convinces him to invest in a good cause.  But she allows Ron and Elaine to believe that it was Ron’s powers of persuasion that convinced Stoneman to invest.  It’s kind of sad that Ron and Elaine forget about Miss Harbringer as soon as they get their money but Roarke says that’s the way it is for angels.  I don’t think that’s true, though.  I bet George Bailey never forgot Clarence.

(Atta boy, Clarence!)

Tattoo is not in this episode so it’s Julie’s turn to assist Mr. Roarke.  What’s odd is that the episode doesn’t even offer up any explanation as to where Tattoo has disappeared.  This episode was a bit on the blah side so it definitely could have used Tattoo.  A random llama shows up at the end of the show and I liked that.  Llamas are cute.  But otherwise, this was a forgettable trip to the Island.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of Dumbrowskis”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Get ready for a very odd cruise!

Episode 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of the Dumbrowskis”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on January 10th, 1981)

This is a weird episode.

Harriet (Florence Henderson) boards the ship with her husband, Harold Rogers (Jeffrey Tambor).  Now, the idea of Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor as a married couple may sound strange but it’s even stranger when you actually see it.  Henderson and Tambor have absolutely zero chemistry together.  Tambor looks more like Henderson’s no-good stepson than her husband.

Harriet is convinced that she is destined to die at an early age so she continually pressures Harold to find a woman that he can marry after she’s gone.  In fact, Harriet thinks that maybe Harold could marry another passenger on the boat, Cindy (Christina Hart).  Harold is getting frustrated with the pressure that Harriet is putting on him to find a new lover.  Doc Bricker suggests that maybe Harold should make Harriet jealous by cheating on her with Cindy.  What?  I mean, I’m not surprised that Doc would make that suggestion but it is a bit odd that the show itself seems to think that this is a good idea.  Harold goes along with the idea because, even if Harriet doesn’t get jealous, he’ll still get to sleep with Cindy.  Wait.  What?

Harriet is okay with Harold cheating on her until Harold says that he wants to give her favorite necklace to Cindy.  Harriet realizes that she’s not okay with Harold giving her jewelry to his adulterous lover and she decides that she’ll no longer pressure Harold to find a new wife.  They leave the ship with their marriage stronger than ever.  Doc saves the day!

Meanwhile, Karen (Georgia Engel) boards the boat and immediately falls for Oscar Tilton (Donald O’Connor).  Now, as mismatched as Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor are, they seem like soulmates compared to Georgia Engel and Donald O’Connor.  For one thing, O’Connor appears to be about 20 years older than Georgia Engel.  Secondly, Donald O’Connor’s ebullient style clashes wildly with Georgia Engel’s inability to speak above a whisper.

Oscar is an entertainer who is traveling with his seal, Shirley.  When Shirley sees that Oscar and Karen are falling in love, Shirley gets jealous and throws herself overboard.  She leaves behind her rubber ball, apparently as a way to taunt Oscar.  Oscar is depressed.  How can he do his act without Shirley?  Karen encourages him by telling him that he doesn’t need the seal to be entertaining.  Gopher even helps out by playing the horns that Shirley would have played had she not jumped into the ocean….

I am not making this up.

Anyway, good news all around.  Shirley survives jumping into the ocean and swims back to Oscar’s beach house.  Shirley shows up when the boat docks in Los Angeles.  Oscar tells Shirley that Karen is going to be a part of his life from now on.  Shirley claps her fins, indicating that she approves.

NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

All I can say is thank goodness for Lillian Gish.  Gish plays Mrs. Williams, who boards the boat with her hulking nephew (Reb Brown).  Mrs. Williams is also Isaac’s former teacher.  Isaac is insecure about just being a bartender and pretends, with Gopher’s help, to be the ship’s first officer.  Captain Stubing is not amused.  Isaac tells Mrs. Williams the truth and Mrs. Williams replies that she is proud of Isaac, no matter what he does for a living.

Awwwwwwww!

This was a really simple story but it was sweet.  Lillian Gish’s natural class provided a balance to Jeffrey Tambor cheating on Florence Henderson and Donald O’Connor’s seal trying to scare off Georgia Engel.  And Ted Lange — seriously, episodes like this remind the viewer of how lucky The Love Boat was to have him.  Yes, everyone knows that pointing thing that he does.  But Lange also played Isaac as being a genuinely nice guy.  I don’t drink but if I did, I would want Isaac to be my bartender.

Again, this episode was weird but at least it gave Lillian Gish and Ted Lange a chance to shine.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 3.21 “The Remake/The Perfect Match/The Captain’s Ne’er Do Well Brother”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, special guest star O.D. Warbux brings The Love Boat to life!

Episode 3.21 “The Remake/The Perfect Match/The Captain’s Ne’er Do Well Brother”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on February 2nd, 1980)

At the start of this week’s episode, Marshall Stubing boards the ship.  As you can guess by his last name, Marshall is Captain Stubing’s brother.  He bears a pretty strong resemblance to Merrill, except he’s a little thinner and he has more hair and a pencil-thin smile.  He wears suits and has a quick smile and is quick to flirt with every woman the he sees.  He’s played by an actor named O.D. Warbux and….

Wait a minute….

That’s not O.D. Warbux!  That’s Gavin MacLeod!  Yes, in this episode, Gavin MacLeod plays both the serious Captain Stubing and his carefree, free-loading brother.  And you know what?  MacLeod/Warbux actually does a pretty good job playing the two roles.  In the scenes in which the brothers argue, MacLeod really does seem to be sincerely annoyed with himself.  Seriously, though, you have to give MacLeod some credit.  If he had joked his way through the double role, I doubt anyone would have called him out on it.  Instead, MacLeod gives two believable and emotionally nuanced performances.

As for why Marshall is on the boat, he’s looking for a woman to continue to fund his life.  Merrill threatens to kick Marshall off the cruise but Marshall reveals that he bought a ticket and he has ever right to be there.  As Merrill watches with a disapproving frown, Marshall meets and romances Ruby Gibson (Diane Ladd), who is the millionaire widow of an Oklahoma oilman.  Marshall actually does fall in love with Ruby but he fears that he’s not good enough for her.  Ruby announces that Marshall is perfect for her and even Merrill says that Marshall is actually a good guy.  Marshall leaves the boat with Ruby and I assume they got married a few weeks later.  That’s good.  Hopefully, Ruby will help to pay for Vicki’s college education (assuming Vicki is actually allowed to leave the boat to attend school).

Marshall Stubing is not the only family member on the boat.  Julie’s aunt, Christine (Florence Henderson), is also on the boat.  When she meets Neal Rich (James Broderick), he immediately reminds her of her late husband.  Neal and Christine fall in love on the boat but will Christine ever stop trying to make Neal behave just like her late husband?  Of course, she does.  This is The Love Boat!  Back when I was reviewing The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, I said some fairly negative things about Florence Henderson as an actress but she’s actually really good in the episode and she has great chemistry with James Broderick so I guess it was really the Brady children who were holding her back on the Variety Hour.  This was a sweet story and I have to say that I actually found myself really hoping that Christine and Neal would work things out.

Finally, Holly Christopher (Connie Stevens) boards the ship because she’s spent the last few weeks stalking Howard Samuels (Kent McCord), the man who she has decided will be the father of her child.  As Holly explains it to Doc, she doesn’t want to get married.  She doesn’t want a family.  She just wants a baby.  Doc, who has like a dozen ex-wives and whose entire life seems to revolve around searching for one-night stands on the boat, tells her that marriage and traditional courtship are wonderful and that she should consider them.  Holly realizes that she agrees with Doc and she decides that she wants an old-fashioned romance after all.  This whole storyline felt like it could have come from one of those old 1950s films that would star Troy Donahue and Sandra Dee as teenagers learning the facts of life.  Kent McCord was pretty dull as Howard but Connie Stevens brought a lot of energy to the role of Holly.  Out of the three couples who left the ship at the end of the cruise, Howard and Holly is the one that’s definitely not going to last.

With this episode, The Love Boat kept it all in the family and, overall, this was a pretty good cruise.  Both Gavin MacLeod and O.D. Warbux deserve a lot of credit for giving performances that elevated the entire episode.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.12 “The Captain’s Cup/ The Folks From Home/ Legal Eagle”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Love Boat departs on one weird cruise.

Episode 2.12 “The Captain’s Cup / The Folks from Home / Legal Eagle”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin, originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)

This was a strange episode.

Let’s start with the simplest of our three stories first.  Danny Holt (Bert Convy) is recently divorced and still crying over having to pay his wife alimony.  When he boards the boat, he specifically asks Gopher if there are any single men onboard who might be interested in marrying his ex-wife.  His ex isn’t even on the cruise!  Danny is one bitter passenger.  From the minute he boards the boat, he’s whining about how unfair his divorce was and how badly he was treated by his wife’s divorce lawyer, Ann Sterling (Leigh Taylor-Young).

Uh-oh, it turns out that Ann is one the cruise as well!  And she’s been assigned to be Danny’s dinner companion.  Danny isn’t happy about this but then, from out of seemingly nowhere, the two of them end of falling in love.  It’s hard to say why they suddenly fall in love.  Danny is superbitter over his divorce and Ann knows all of the details about what type of husband he was so it seems like the last thing that would ever happen would be them leaving the ship, arm-in-arm.  But somehow, that’s what happens.  It was a straight-forward story but it lacked any scenes that would have explained why the two of them fell in love.  They just did because they were characters on The Love Boat.  (It certainly wasn’t due to any noticeable romantic chemistry between Bert Convy and Leigh Taylor-Young.)  This story felt lazy and generic.

In the episode’s second storyline, Captain Stubing is excited because he’s due to receive the Captain of the Year Cup.  Diane DiMarzo (Florence Henderson, proving that former Bradys just cannot stay off The Love Boat) boards the ship with the Cup but she’s shocked to discover that 1) her boss — the guy who actually decided to give Stubing the Cup — will not be on the ship and 2) Stubing fully expects her boss to personally present him with the Cup.  Now, I’m not really sure how the logic works here but apparently, Diane could lose her job if her boss isn’t there to give Stubing the cup.  But why would that be Diane’s problem?  She did what she was supposed to do.  She boarded the ship with the Cup.  Her boss is the one who decided not to show up and he is the boss so it’s not like there was anything Diane could have done about it.

Anyway, Diane recruits one of the ship’s handymen to pretend to be her boss.  Though he works on the boat and the rest of the crew know him, it appears that the Captain himself has never met Hank Vosnik (Pat Harrington, Jr.), which kind of leads one to wonder if Stubing really deserves his award.  Anyway, Hank falls in love with Diane and is crestfallen when she turns down his marriage proposal.  (Seriously, at this point, they had only known each other for like three days so I’m not sure what Hank was expecting.)  But, despite being turned down, Hank still pretends to be Diane’s boss.  So, Diane decides that she might as well marry him.  WHAT!?

Finally, Doc Bricker is happy to meet two passengers from his hometown.  George (John McIntire) and Gloria (Jeanette Nolan) spend every moment with Doc and they even announce that, as far as they’re concerned, the 40-something Doc is a member of their family.  Doc is touched.  But then Gloria falls down a flight of stairs and Doc has to do emergency surgery on her.  Gopher calls a doctor in San Francisco and he talks Doc through the surgery.  Doc removes Gloria’s spleen and saves her life!  Yay!  Only at the end of the surgery does he get George to sign a consent form.  In real life, that would lead to Doc to losing his job and the cruise line getting sued.  But, on The Love Boat, it just leads to more laughter.

On the plus side, this storyline featured the charming performances of McIntire and Nolan, who were married in real life.  The story was also written by Fred “Gopher” Grandy and Bernie “Doc” Kopell so, not surprisingly, it actually allowed Grandy and Kopell to do something more than just leer at the passengers.  The show rarely gave Grandy or Kopell a chance to show off the fact that they were both capable of giving good dramatic performances so, whenever they got that rare chance to do so, they took advantage of it.  That said, it was still a bit awkward to see Doc suddenly performing major surgery in his tiny examination room.  It was all for the best on the show but, in real life, it would have led to a major lawsuit.  Even though Doc Bricker saved Gloria’s life, it still seems like the ship could probably be held liable for her getting injured in the first place.  I mean, the boat is in the middle of the ocean.  Shouldn’t there at least be a warning posted on the stairs?

Well, who knows?  Strange things happen at sea.  Let’s just be happy that everything worked out in the end.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we have a special, super-sized episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

(Dir by George McCowan and Michael Vejar, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

This week, we get three fantasies, instead of the usual two!

Sister Mary Theresa (Lisa Hartman) is a nun who has been struggling with her faith even since the death of her mentor.  Her fantasy is a chance to meet the only mortal man that her mentor ever loved.  Colin McArthur (John Saxon) is tall, dark, handsome, and he loves animals!  Not only does he seem like the perfect guy but he’s also played by John Saxon.  Today, Saxon is best-known for appearing in horror movies and for playing B-movie villains and it’s easy to forget that he could also be quite a charming actor when given the chance.  That said, as charming as he is, Colin just can’t compete with God and Sister Mary Theresa once again dons her habit before leaving the Island.

Meanwhile, Felix Birdsong (Don Knotts) has spent his life fantasizing about being a big time Hollywood casting agent and he gets his chance when he comes to the Island and is put in charge of selecting the woman who will star in a film called The Most Beautiful Girl In The World.  Felix soon discovers that Hollywood isn’t as glamorous as he thought.  (Uh, yeah, no doubt.)  The film’s producer (Abe Vigoda) is a sleaze.  The film is being funded by a combination of gangsters and oil sheikhs (one of whom is played by Cesar Romero) and all of them expect Felix to select their girlfriends for the role.  Felix ends up very disillusioned, though you have to wonder what type of sheltered existence he experienced before coming to the island.  I mean, he’s shocked to discover that Hollywood can be a heartless place and that rich men have mistresses!  In the end, Felix announces that all 20 of the women will be cast as The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and that every single one of them will get the prize money.  Yay!  Of course, now the production is probably out of money so it’s not as if the film will ever actually be made.  Actually, if I was a contestant in a beauty pageant and the judge just declared a 20-girl tie instead of giving me the prize, I would probably think he was the biggest jerk in the world.  Boooo!  Felix, you jerk!

Finally, Jane Garwood (Florence Henderson, continuing the tradition of Brady Bunch cast members showing up on the island) is a television news reporter who recently gained a lot of attention for a report she filed on Satanic cults.  As a result of the report, a Satanic priest put a curse on Jane.  Jane laughed it off until all of the men in her life started dying.  Jane’s fantasy is to learn whether the curse is real.  Mr. Roarke’s solution is to become the new man in Jane’s life.  When he doesn’t die, Jane will see that the curse is not real….

Except, the curse is real!  The cult has followed Jane to the Island and now they’re not only trying to kill her but Mr. Roarke as well!  I have to admit that I’ve always assumed that Mr. Roarke was meant to be a supernatural being and I also assumed that he was immortal.  Apparently, that’s not completely true.  Still, despite the cult leader kidnapping Jane and dancing around with a cobra, Roarke is able to reveal that the cult leader is not only not a supernatural being but that he’s also Jane’s ex-boyfriend!

This episode was a fun mix of cartoonish comedy, sincere romance, and ludicrous melodrama.  It was entertainingly silly in the way that only Fantasy Island could be at its best.  I mean, with the exception of The Brady Bunch Hour, how many other shows would have the guts to give us Florence Henderson being menaced by a Satanic cult?  For that, you have to go to Fantasy Island!