Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 1.12 “The Mamas and the Papas”

Posted on February 14, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime and Tubi!

This episode, a select few are getting married.

Episode 1.12 “The Mamas and the Papas”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 11th, 1989)

For a class project, the students are all spending a week seeing what it’s like to be married. What’s odd is that there are only three couples despite the fact that there are a bunch of other students in the class. Basically, six people are taking part in the project and the rest of the class is just there to watch. That sounds like an incredibly boring week for the rest of the class but whatever.

Zack has been paired up with Kelly. Slater has been paired up Jessie. Lisa has been paired up with Screech. When Lisa complains about having to be Screech’s wife, Mr. Belding says that the couples were selected alphabetically. However, if that were true, Screech Powers would be married to Jessie Spano and A.C. Slater would be married to Lisa Turtle. Seriously, Mr. Belding’s a liar. How much did Screech pay him?

Lisa starts to twitch violently whenever Screech is near. When Screech announce that he’s moving into her bedroom, she nearly has a seizure and, quite frankly, I don’t blame her. This is a terrible class project. Because the project is putting Lisa’s health at risk, she is allowed to annul her marriage to Screech. Yay! Instead, she is reassigned to be Slater and Jessie’s daughter while Screech becomes Zack and Kelly’s son. When Kelly sees how negatively Zack reacts to being Screech’s father, she wonders if he’s the man to whom she wants to be fake married.

The stuff with Kelly and Zack and Lisa and Screech is pretty dumb. Slater and Jessie is where the action’s at. This is the first episode to really establish that Slater is a sexist pig and the Jessie is a straw feminist. Jessie wants to keep her maiden name. Jessie wants to have a job outside of the home. Jessie feels that she should be an equal partner in the marriage. What’s funny is that I agree with Jessie on all of these matters and yet I still laughed whenever Slater said, “Oink oink, baby.” That’s largely due to the fact that Jessie was written to be so strident and shrill that her feminism and her politics often felt rather performative. Slater may have been a chauvinist but at least he was honest about it and he was loyal to his friends. Plus, he was cute. (It’s high school, folks. People are shallow in high school.)

This episode ends with Jessie apologizing to Mr. Belding for not being able to make her marriage to Slater work. Belding says that sometimes, two people just aren’t meant to be together and there’s no shame in that. (As a child of divorced parents, I always appreciated the fact that this episode was honest about the fact that not every marriage can be saved.) Zack and Kelly’s marriage survives, at least until the project ends.

This episode …. actually, it really wasn’t that bad. By the standards of Saved By The Bell, it was actually one of their better episodes. As a general rule, the more time that is spent with Jessie and Slater fighting, the better the episode. Still, forcing Lisa to marry Screech …. that’s just mean.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 1.11 “The Friendship Business”

Posted on February 7, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Zack and Jessie battle for business supremacy.

Episode 1.11 “The Friendship Business”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 4th, 1989)

Hey, it’s the Buddy Bands episode!

One of the things about Saved By The Bell is that, if you’re a certain age, all you have to hear is one term — like “Buddy Band” or “I’m so excited” or “Zack Attack” — and you automatically know what episode is being referred to. If you were in high school or college in the days when Saved By The Bell reruns were playing endlessly in syndication, you know what I’m talking about.

That’s changing, of course. Saved By The Bell is no longer the ubiquitous cultural touchstone that it once was. That’s a polite way of saying that those of us who grew up with it on television are getting older and, for the generation replacing us, Saved By The Bell is just one of the many old shows that they probably skip over while looking at whatever’s streaming online. It’s sad to say but, in another few decades, all of the Saved By The Bell talk will be limited to assisted living facilities and to grandchildren saying, “Was Zack Morris a friend of yours, grandma?”

For now, though, I’m just happy that I can say “Buddy Bands” and everyone remembers that this episode featured Zack and Jessie leading rival companies that both got involved in the cut-throat world of friendship bracelets. Zack thinks that he has the inside track because he’s got Lisa and the fashion club working for him but he eventually demands too much from her so Lisa defects over to Jessie’s company. But then Jessie proves to be just as demanding as Zack. Meanwhile, Zack convinces Belding to wear a Buddy Band. Belding walks around the school saying, “Hello, fellow Buddy Bander!” and everyone demands their money back. Jessie asks someone if their Buddy Band is defective. “Belding’s wearing one! It doesn’t get more defective than that!”

Among other things, this episode features the classic Buddy Bands commercial:

Seriously, why was everyone fighting over Zack when A.C. Slater — handsome, mysterious, ageless, and a great dancer! — was right there?

Along with the oddly overproduced Buddy Band commercial, this episode featured one of those weird Zack Morris fantasies, where he imagine being so rich that Screech — as Robin Screech — interviews him. Zack imagines owning the school, being married to Kelly, and forcing Jessie, Slater, Lisa, and Mr. Belding to work for him. It’s a chilling look inside Zack’s mind.

Indeed, this episode is also a good early example of Zack getting away with essentially being a sociopath. Given $100 to start a company by teacher Mr. Tuttle (Jack Angeles, making his first welcome appearance on the show), Zack proceeds to steal Lisa’s idea of making friendship bracelets, tries to overthrow Jessie as company president (leading to Jessie forming her own company and going into the Buddy Band business), and then mercilessly exploits Screech and Lisa while doing very little work himself. After this backfires on him, he sabotages Jessie’s company and drives her out of business. Then, at the Max, everyone just decides to be friends again. In fact, Zack doesn’t even flunk his business class because he learned an important lesson. I mean, as much as I disliked Ms. Bliss, at least she actually got mad (albeit briefly) when Zack stole her money and invested in potatoes!

Anyway, this episode? Classic! Buddy Bands!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 1.6 “Aloha Slater”

Posted on December 6, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Zack has a chance to get ride of his main frenemy!

Episode 1.6 “Aloha Slater”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 23rd, 1989)

Zack Morris used to be the “top dog” at Bayside but now that Slater has arrived, no one cares about Zack’s pathetic little third place ribbon that he got at a track meet. Instead, they care about the giant trophy that Slater won at his latest wrestling match.

However, there may be hope on the horizon! Slater’s father, Major Martin Slater (Gerald Castillo), has been offered a transfer to Hawaii. When Major Slater tells Belding that he will be removing AC from school, Screech listens from inside a filing cabinet. Major Slater can’t wait to go to Hawaii but AC isn’t so sure. He’s finally got friends and he’s winning trophies! Major Slater leaves it up to his son. If AC Slater wants to go to Hawaii, the family will transfer. If AC wants to stay in California, they will.

Zack decides that AC has to go to Hawaii. He convinces Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie that AC is dying of a mysterious disease and that his only hope for survival is moving to Hawaii. Zack sprinkles fire ants on AC’s back to make AC herk and jerk, as if he’s having a spasm. “This is study hall, not soul train!” the teacher announces. That teacher, by the way, was played by Dustin Diamond’s father.

Zack convinces everyone to treat AC like crap. He also steals AC’s wrestling trophy. AC announces that he’s going to Hawaii. Kelly replies, “And I’m going with him!”

Zack is stunned. I’m stunned, as well. How exactly is Kelly going to go with him? Are her poor, salt-of-the-Earth parents okay with moving to one of the most expensive states to live in? At least the Slaters have a home and a good job waiting for them in the Aloha State.

(Actually, now that I think about it and I remember Saved By The Hell Hawaiian Style, Kelly did have that uncle who lived in Hawaii so I guess it’s not as out-there a development as I initially though.)

Kelly tells Slater that she knows he’s dying. Slater realizes that he’s been set up. It’s time for another prank! AC’s father turns out to be remarkably okay with staying in California. He’s also okay with pretending to be insane and throwing a grenade at Zack.

Watching this episode, it occurred to me that, during the first season at least, Mario Lopez was clearly the star of the show. While Mark-Paul Gosselaar was still trying a little bit too hard (and he wasn’t helped by some overwritten dialogue) and Dustin Diamond looked like he was about 10 years old, Mario Lopez gave a believable performance as a teenager who had finally found a home and didn’t want to leave it. Slater’s the compelling character, the one who actually gets to grow and deal with real problems. (Gosselaar, of course, has grown tremendously as an actor since the first season of SBTB.)

Fortunately, Slater stays in California. Yay! It’s hard to imagine Bayside without him.

This is my final Saved By The Bell review of 2025. Retro Television Reviews is taken a break for the holidays so that I can focus on Awards Season and Christmas movies! Saved By The Bell will return on January 10th, 2026.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 1.5 “Screech’s Woman”

Posted on November 29, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Zach becomes Bambi and …. oh, you know the story.

Episode 1.5 “Screech’s Woman”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on September 16th, 1989)

Screech isn’t working on Zach’s science project because he’s depressed about not having a girlfriend. Screech describes himself as being “snakespit.” That’s …. that’s really sad, to be honest. Zach attempts to teach Screech how to be cool. He attempts to get Jessie to go out with him. Finally, Zach….

Oh, you know what Zach does. If you’re reading this review, you’ve undoubtedly seen Saved By The Bell in syndication and you know that this is one of those episodes that seemed to air constantly. Zach calls up Screech and pretends to be Bambi. When Screech demands to meet Bambi personally, Zach puts on one of Jessie’s dresses, a wig, sunglasses, and he shaves his legs. Zach/Bambi shows up at the Max and tells Screech that, if they’re going to date, Screech is going to have to agree to no longer hang out with Zach. A despondent Screech says that he can’t betray his best friend.

Here’s the thing:

Even with the wig and the dress and the whispery voice, Zach is in no way convincing as Bambi. He’s obviously Zach, just wearing a wig and speaking in a slightly higher register. The fact that Screech, Kelly, and Slater are all fooled (albeit only temporarily in Slater’s case) can only lead me to suspect that everyone on this show is an idiot. Saved By The Bell always demands a certain suspension of disbelief but this episode really took it to the limit. (Or pushed it to the Max, if you want to show respect to that tacky place.)

This episode really made me feel sorry for both Screech and Dustin Diamond and that’s saying something how annoying I found both Screech and the actor playing him to be. Diamond was only 11 when he was cast on Good Morning Miss Bliss. In this episode, he’s 12 and he looks and comes across as being even younger. And yet, he’s acting opposite people who were a few years older and, by teen standards, considerably more mature. (In teen years, there’s a huge gulf between 12 and 15.) From the minute he shows up in this episode, Screech is out-of-place. That may have worked for Screech’s character but it also probably explains why Diamond himself never really seemed to grow up and never seemed to get over feeling like an outsider on the set.

Wow, this episode was depressing.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 1.3 “The Gift”

Posted on November 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Zack exploits his best friend.

Episode 1.3 “The Gift”

(Dir by Dennis Erdman, originally aired on September 8th, 1989)

Screech gets stuck by lightning!

Wow, I guess he’s dead now. Oh wait, this is Saved By The Bell. People get struck by lightning all the time. Screech isn’t dead. Instead, he can now see into the future. Zack is thrilled that his friend has a power that he can exploit and Screech is thrilled to be exploited. (That’s actually kind of sad.) It’s all fun and games when Zack uses Screech’s powers to trick Slater into losing his bomber jacket. But then, when Zack attempts to use Screech to pass Terrible Testaverde’s history midterm, things fall apart.

Terrible George Testaverde (John Moschitta, Jr.) is supposed to be the most fearsome teacher at Bayside. Everyone fears his superhard midterms. From what we see of his class, he actually appears to be a surprisingly easy teacher, albeit one who talks extremely fast. His midterm questions also don’t seem that tough. Essentially, Zack and the Bayside crew are freaking out because they’re going to have write an essay on three basic questions about the American Revolution. What a bunch of wimps. Seriously, I could pass Testaverde’s midterm with my eyes closed.

Screech loses his powers after Zack accidentally spills a drink on him but still comes up with three questions that Testaverde might ask. Zack sets up a study date with Kelly, one that is crashed by Jessie, Lisa, and Slater. Zack assures them that he knows what the three questions will be. Jessie says, “You would never lie to Kelly, would you, Zack?”

Screech later says that he’s seeing three different questions, which means that it’s time for another wacky plot! Zack pretends to be Mr. Belding and calls Testaverde and tells him that the school is flooded. Then, he pretends to be Testaverde and calls Belding and says that he has laryngitis and he needs Belding to administer his midterm. Neither Belding nor Testaverde apparently notice that the person calling them sounds like he’s 14.

The plan nearly works. Belding gives the class the three questions that Zack called him with. But then Testaverde shows up, dress like a plumber. “My school needs me!” he says. Testaverde and Belding eventually figure out what happened. (These aren’t the smarter public educators in the world.) Testaverde administers the real midterm….

Jessie gets a C and faints. Slater doesn’t seem to care about his grade, mostly because Slater’s a bad ass. Zack gets an “F minus, for scamming.” He also has to be Slater’s slave for a month. (Slater has Zack order a pizza. Zack asks for one with the “hottest peppers you can find.”) Screech passes because he actually studied so Zack makes fun of him and the audiences goes wild….

Watching this episode, I realized that the appeal of Saved By The Bell was how incredibly amoral it was. There was no right or wrong and there were no consequences. Zack fails a midterm. He lies to both a principal and a teacher. He reacts to Screech getting struck by lightning by taking advantage of him (as opposed to calling an ambulance). And, other than having to order a pizza for Slater, nothing bad really happens to him. Most shows would make a big deal about the importance of getting good grades and caring about your friends. Not Saved By The Bell! Saved By The Bell takes place in a world where, even when Zack loses, he somehow wins. I can understand why that would appeal to many viewers.

Next week, Kelly convinces Zack that she’s going to kill him.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 1.2 “The Lisa Card”

Posted on October 25, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, an important lesson is learned about credit cards.

Episode 1.2 “The Lisa Card”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on August 28th, 1989)

Lisa’s father (Henry Brown) has given her his credit card and Lisa has charged way too much money on it! Now, she has to figure out how to raise the money to pay it off before he finds out.

I could relate to this episode. When I got my first credit card, I went crazy charging stuff to it. I’m still probably a little bit too quick to reach for it. To be honest, it wouldn’t be until I was 25 that I really came to understand that someone actually has to pay all that money back. I knew what Lisa was going through but I was still surprised at how all of her friends immediately came to her aid. What selfless friends! I can honestly say that, if a friend of mine needed that much money, I would probably not give it to them. Lisa got a job at the Max but Slater, Zach, Kelly, Jessie, and Screech ended up doing most of the work and they all did it for free. Maybe if they had all gotten a job at the Max (as opposed to just volunteering to help) they could have combined their paychecks and paid off that credit card. Zach also sells all of Lisa’s clothing, holding a sale in the middle of the school hallways. (“Closing them!” Zach shouts whenever Belding is nearby.) “Who wants this lingerie?” Zach asks. Screech pledges his life savings. Ummm, Lisa is like fourteen and Screech appears to be considerably younger. That’s kind of icky….

This episode was …. well, I was going to say it was dumb but every episode of Saved By The Bell is dumb. That said, it was dumb in a fun way. Lark Voorhees was always underused on Good Morning Miss Bliss but she really goes all out with this episode. Her nervous twitching when she learned all of her clothes had been given to charity (for free!) was something else to which I could relate.

In the end, Lisa’s father forgives her and Lisa gets upset because he’s not angrier. What? Lisa, you got away with it! Be happy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 1.1 “Dancing To The Max”

Posted on October 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Good Morning Miss Bliss failed where it aired on the Disney Channel but Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC, felt that the show still had a potential future on NBC. Specifically, Tartikoff felt the kids — Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Dustin Diamond, and lark Voorhees — and Dennis Haskins were the ones worth keeping around. As such, Hayley Mills was let go. Max Battimo and Heather Hopper were dropped from the cast. The show was retconned from taking place in Indiana to taking place in California. The show itself was retitled Saved By The Bell….

Episode 1.1 “Dancing To The Max”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on August 20th, 1989)

This is it. This is the first episode of Saved By The Bell, the network morning show that would go on to dominate syndication for 20 years. That’s the thing about Saved By The Bell. It’s not necessary to have been anywhere close to being a teenager when this show began. It’s not necessary to have watched the shows when they originally aired. If you grew up in the 90s or the aughts, you knew Saved By The Bell. It was one of those shows that always seemed like it was airing somewhere. Even as recently as two years ago, it was airing on MeTV and there were frequent marathons on E! Today, it’s on Prime and Tubi. That’s not bad for a show that, if we’re to be absolutely honest, really wasn’t that good.

The first episode — which actually premiered in prime time before the show subsequently moved to its Saturday morning time slot — sets up the show. Zach Morris (I know that some people claim that it’s spelled Zack but I’ve always gone with Zach), Screen Powers, Lisa Turtle, and Mr. Belding have all been resecured from the Indiana Hell of Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Now, they all live in California and they all attend Bayside High School. They hang out at the Max, a tacky restaurant owned by a tacky magician named Max (Ed Alonzo).

Joining the ensemble are Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley), Kelly Kapwoski (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen), and AC Slater (Mario Lopez). Both Slater and Zach have a crush on Kelly. Screech likes Lisa. A dance contest is approaching, one that is hosted by Casey Kasem. (All the teenagers on the show go crazy over someone who, realistically, most of them had probably never heard of. Max imitates Casey Kasem saying his name twice.) Screech wants to ask Lisa to be his partner but Lisa’s already been asked by someone else. Kelly can’t choose between Zach and Slater so they agree to have a dance-0ff. Uh-oh, Zach can’t dance! Maybe his childhood friend Jessie will teach him….

Jessie doesn’t have a date because she’s tall. When she tells Kelly and Lisa about being insecure about her height, they joke that she could become a basketball player. This gets a big laugh and I assume this episode aired before the WNBA was a thing. Eventually, Zach tells Kelly to enter the contest with Slater because he’s going with his best friend, Jessie. Meanwhile, Lisa sprains her ankle, get dumped by her partner, and ends up entering the contest with Screech.

It’s interesting to watch the character dynamics in this first episode. Jessie is not the straw feminist she would later become. Slater is a jock but still sensitive enough to comfort Screech. Kelly is actually portrayed as being somewhat shallow. Watching this episode, one gets the feeling that Zach and Jessie were originally meant to be the show’s main couple until someone decided that Zach and Kelly had better chemistry and that Jessie’s feminism and Slater’s chauvinism would make for an interesting combination. Lisa doesn’t like Screech but she doesn’t quite hate him as much she would in later episodes. Even more importantly, Zach is nowhere near as cocky as he would be in later episodes. He’s actually insecure about something.

As for the dance contest, Lisa and Screen dance “The Sprain” and they win, largely due to Slater and Zach bullying everyone into voting for them. “C’mon,” Casey Kasem announces, “let’s all do …. THE SPRAIN!” Everyone starts hopping on one foot and, at home, I cringe like you wouldn’t believe.

God, this was a stupid episode. And yet …. it was very likable. The young cast had a lot of talent. In this episode, even Dustin Diamond’s Screech is tolerable. I cringed at the extremely cheesy dance contest but I also smiled. I guess that’s the power of nostalgia. Sometimes, even the really bad things make you feel good when you rewatch them.

Scenes I Love: “I’m So Excited” from Saved By The Bell

Posted on July 28, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to actress and advice columnist Elizabeth Berkley. Today’s scene that I love comes from the most famous episode of Saved By The Bell. Are you excited?

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #219: Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style (dir by Don Barnhart)

Posted on January 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday evening, I watched the 1992 made-for-TV movie, Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style!

Why Was I Watching It?

Eh. It was on Netflix. I was thinking about all of the fun that I had when I visited Hawaii. I had just posted my review of Dustin Diamond’s Behind The Bell and I was feeling a little guilty about some of the things I wrote about him. I saw the film was available to watch and I thought, “Why not?”

What Was It About?

The Saved By The Bell gang is spending their summer vacation in Hawaii! Kelly’s grandfather (played by “special guest star” Dean Jones) owns a hotel but …. uh-oh! It looks like the hotel is going to go out of business unless Zack and the gang can fool a bunch of principals (led by their principal, Mr. Belding) to check in.

Along with trying to save the hotel, each member of the Gang gets an adventure of their own!

Zack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) falls for a single mother (Rena Sofer), who has a rich boyfriend who owns a limo. Zack thinks the guy is shallow and is unimpressed with his wealth. Zack Morris, class warrior? Whatever.

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Theissen) falls for her grandfather’s lawyer, not knowing that he’s actually working for the rival hotel.

Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) and Slater (Mario Lopez) try to spend the entire vacation without fighting.

Lisa (Lark Voorhies) makes a bet that Jessie and Slater can’t spend the entire vacation without fighting.

And Screech (Dustin Diamond) is mistaken for a deity by a Polynesian tribe.

Wait, what?

What Did Not Work?

It’s Saved By The Bell …. without a laugh track!

Unfortunately, Saved By The Bell was one of those shows that really needed a laugh track because, without the sound of an audience being ordered to laugh, it becomes next to impossible to ignore just how lame most of the jokes are. Though the cast of Saved By The Bell featured a few talented actors, every single one of them still delivers their Hawaiian Style lines as if they’re waiting for the laughter that never comes. As a result, every “laugh line” is followed by an awkward pause.

As for the show’s plot …. well, let’s put it like this. Traditionally, I start out these posts by discussing what worked before then discussing what didn’t. However, so little works with Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style that I felt like it was best to get all of the negative stuff out of the way early. While Saved By The Bell always required a healthy suspension of disbelief, Hawaiian Style abuses the privilege. Saved By The Bell Hawaiian Style asks us to believe the following:

Kelly would be allowed to travel all the way to Hawaii without her parents.
She would be allowed to take along all of her friends, who would also be traveling without parents.
Screech would somehow be invited, despite the fact that no one in the group seems to like him.
Somehow, their high school principal would also turn up in Hawaii at the exact same time.
A single mother would dump her rich boyfriend for a high school junior.
Screech would be mistaken for a Hawaiian God.

Of course, I guess some would say that we should be happy that the Gang was around to save the day but it’s hard not to notice that all of Zack’s schemes are dependent upon some terrible lie. As well, I have to wonder if it was really worth all the trouble to save Kelly’s grandfather’s hotel. I mean, maybe the guy just wasn’t a very good businessman. I would probably be annoyed if I was on vacation in Hawaii with my friends and I was told that I would be spending the entire time working because some guy who was 50 years older than me couldn’t figure out how to balance the books.

This movie apparently aired on primetime television. I wonder how viewers who didn’t know about Saved By The Bell felt when they came across it.

What Worked?

As bad as it was, it was also Saved By The Bell and, as a result, it did have some nostalgic appeal to it. After the movie aired, Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style was sold into syndication as four regular episodes of Saved By The Bell and I can still remember seeing them on whatever channel Saved By The Bell was airing on at the time and thinking to myself, “What the Hell?”

The film was shot on location so, needless to say, the scenery was lovely. Mario Lopez and Elizabeth Berkley had a few fun moments as Slater and Jessie tried to go the entire trip without fighting. There were small pleasures to be found. Very small.

“OMG! Just like me!” Moments

When I was seventeen, I spent the summer in Hawaii with my mom and my sisters. It was a lot of fun. Though I don’t swim, I still had a lot of fun laying out on the beach. Hawaii is one of the most incredibly beautiful places that I’ve ever seen. I would sneak out at the hotel at night and then marvel at the scenery during the day. It was one of my favorite summers. Of course, I also didn’t have to spend my vacation helping a bad businessman save his resort. That helped.

Lessons Learned

Apparently, I’ll watch anything.

Any Given Sunday (1999, directed by Oliver Stone)

Posted on February 1, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

With Any Given Sunday, Oliver Stone set out to make the ultimate football movie and he succeeded.

Any Given Sunday is not just the story of aging coach Tony D’Amato (Al Pacino). It’s also the story of how third-string quarterback Willie Beamon (Jamie Foxx) allows celebrity to go to his head while the injured starter, Cap Rooney (Dennis Quaid), deals with his own mortality and how, at 38, he is now over-the-hill. It’s also about how the team doctors (represented by James Woods and Matthew Modine) are complicit in pushing the players beyond their limits and how the owners (Cameron Diaz) view those players as a commodity to be traded and toyed with. It’s about how the Sharks represent their home city of Miami and how cynical columnists (John C. McGinley plays a character that is obviously meant to be Jim Rome) deliberately set out to inflame the anger of the team’s fans. It’s about how politicians (Clifton Davis plays Miami’s mayor and asks everyone to “give me some love”) use professional sports to further their own corrupt careers while the often immature men who play the game are elevated into role models by the press. It’s a film that compares football players to ancient gladiators while also showing how the game has become big business. In typical Oliver Stone fashion, it tries to take on every aspect of football while also saying something about America as well.

In the role on Tony D, Pacino famously describes football as being “a game of inches” but you wouldn’t always know it from the way that Oliver Stone directs Any Given Sunday. As a director, Stone has never been one to only gain an inch when he could instead grab an entire mile. (Stone is probably the type of Madden player who attempts to have his quarterback go back and throw a hail mary on every single play.) Tony tells his players to be methodical but Stone directs in a fashion that is sloppy, self-indulgent, and always entertaining to watch. One minute, Al Pacino and Jim Brown are talking about how much the game has changed and the next minute, LL Cool J is doing cocaine off of a groupie’s breast while images of turn-of-the-century football players flash on the screen. No sooner has Jamie Foxx delivered an impassioned speech about the lack of black coaches in the league then he’s suddenly starring in his own music video and singing about how “Steamin’ Willie Beamon” leaves all the ladies “creamin’.” (It rhymes, that’s the important thing.) When Tony invites Willie over to his house, scenes of Charlton Heston in Ben-Hur are on TV. Later in the movie, Heston shows up as the Commissioner and says, about Cameron Diaz, “she would eat her young.”

Any Given Sunday is Oliver Stone at both his best and his worst. The script is overwritten and overstuffed with every possible sports cliché but the football scenes are some of the most exciting that have ever been filmed. Only Oliver Stone could get away with both opening the film with a quote from Vince Lombardi and then having a player literally lose an eye during the big game. Stone himself appears in the commentator’s both, saying, “I think he may have hurt his eye,” while the doctor’s in the end zone scoop up the the torn out eyeball and put it into a plastic bag. Only Stone could get away with Jamie Foxx vomiting on the field during every game and then making amazing plays while a combination of rap, heavy metal, and techno roars in the background. Stone regulars like James Woods and John C. McGinely make valuable appearances and while Woods may be playing a villain, he’s the only person in the film willing to call out the coaches, the players, the owners, and the fans at home as being a bunch of hypocrites. Stone’s direction is as hyper-kinetic as always but he still has no fear of stopping the action so that Foxx can see sepia-toned images of football’s past staring at him from the stands. Stone directs like defensive lineman on steroids, barreling his way through every obstacle to take down his target. No matter what, the game goes on.

Any Given Sunday is the ultimate football movie and more fun than the last ten super bowls combined.