Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.9 “Fantasy Island Girl/Saturday’s Child”

Posted on September 9, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, we have two fantasies that seem very familiar.

Episode 7.9 “Fantasy Island Girl/Saturday’s Child”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on December 10th, 1983)

Actress Marion Sommers (Stella Stevens) comes to the Island. Lawrence is a huge fan and can’t imagine what fantasy she could possibly have. Roarke explains that Marion wants to be reunited with her children. The twist is that her children don’t know that Marion is their mother. They think that their mother died and that they were adopted by Fran Woods (Diane Baker).

Marion is told that, because of the way she phrased her fantasy, she’ll get to meet her children on the island but she can’t tell them that she’s their mother. The children have spent the last few years with Ms. Woods as their mother. Marion agrees but she doesn’t keep her word and, by the end of her fantasy, she’s told both Bill (David Kaufman) and Ellie (Amy Linker) that she is their mother and that she wants them to come with her. Bill and Ellie reject her, saying that Ms. Woods will always be their mother. However, they would like it if Marion would be their friend.

Lawrence asks Marion to give him her autograph so he can give it to his niece. Then, after Marion leaves, Lawrence tells Roarke that he doesn’t have a niece….

This fantasy seemed awfully familiar. I don’t really have the time to go back and reread every Fantasy Island review that I’ve written but I’m pretty sure that this show has already gone to the “I’m a famous actress who wants to meet the children that I gave up” well more than a few times. In this case, it just felt like everyone was going through the motions.

As for the other fantasy, it involved the Fantasy Island Girl Beauty Pageant and, again, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen several versions of this pageant fantasy in the past. This time, it’s the pageant’s producer, Nick Gleason (Paul Burke), who has a fantasy. It seems that Nick has a reputation for fixing his pageants so his fantasy is to run a totally “clean” and honest pageant. It seems like he could have just done that on his own without even having to go to Fantasy Island. Since when have fantasies become about doing things that most people would just do naturally?

Nick’s daughter, Tina (Audrey Landers), enters the pageant and suddenly, Nick finds himself tempted to fix the pageant for her. When Roarke explains this to Tina, Tina withdraws from the pageant and Nick doesn’t fix the pageant. Nick is so happy that he finally put on a honest pageant but the only reason he didn’t fix the pageant was because Tina dropped out. If she hadn’t dropped out, he totally would have rigged it. So, I’m not really sure that Nick has anything to brag about. It’s kind of like bragging about not robbing a bank because it was closed on Sunday.

Lawrence is appointed as one of the judges for the beauty pageant. You know who really enjoyed beauty pageants? Tattoo. This would have been a fun fantasy for Tattoo. Instead, we just get Lawrence looking all huffy and puffy.

The trip to the Island was no fantasy.

Your Mother Wears Combat Boots (1989, directed by Anson Williams)

Posted on March 3, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

Jimmy Anderson (David Kaufman) drops out of college and enrolls in the Army without telling his mother. He wants to go through basic training and then do Parachute airbone training at Fort Benning, just like his father did before he died in Vietnam. When Barbara Anderson (Barbara Eden) finds out what her son has done, she rushes down to Georgia to try to stop him. When she discovers that Jimmy has already entered Fort Benning, Barbara assumes the identity of an AWOL trainee so that she can enter the base. All she wants to do is track down her son and convince him to leave. However, Sgt. Charlie Burke (Hector Elizondo) fully expects Barbara to complete her training and, in a few weeks time, to jump out of an airplane.

Probably the most interesting thing about this made-for-TV comedy is that no one seems to find it strange that a 58 year-old woman claims to have just completed basic training. Barbara Eden looked great in this movie and she put a good deal of energy to going through all the usual Private Benjamin routines but she was still clearly too old to have ever recently enlisted in the Army and, even if she wasn’t in her 50s, the fact that she doesn’t know how to salute nor does she understand any of the basic army terminology used by Sgt. Burke should have been dead giveaways that she wasn’t who she was claiming to be. That could have been funny if the movie had acknowledged Barbara’s age or maybe even had her act shocked that she was somehow getting away with her ruse. Instead, the movie itself doesn’t seem to understand how strange it would be for a 58 year-old woman to show up for Parachute training. The movie never finds the right balance between comedy and sentimentality but Barbara Eden gives it her all and the dependable Conchata Ferrell scores some laughs as a specialist who “eats recruits for breakfast.”

This film was directed Anson Williams, a.k.a. Potise from Happy Days. Ron Howard and Henry Winkler weren’t the only directors to come out of that show.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.21 “The Torch”

Posted on October 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, its the most shocking episode of Highway to Heaven yet!

Episode 2.21 “The Torch”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 12th, 1986)

Everett Salomon (Herschel Bernardi) is a Holocaust survivor who has become wealthy and successful in the United States. In poor health and in need of a heart transplant, Everett spends most of his time giving speeches about his experiences in the concentration camp. He is disturbed by the rise in Holocaust denialism and has dedicated his remaining years to battling the scourge of Neo-Nazism. In a disturbing scene that brings to mind the horrible images of the October 7 attacks, a Nazi named Cal (Robert O’Reilly) sneaks onto Everett’s property in the middle of the night and murders his dog.

Cal is a follower of Jan Baldt (Paul Koslo), a Neo-Nazi and a Holocaust denier who has turned his basement into a shooting range so that he and his buddies can fire their guns at pictures of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Moshe Dayan. Jan is consumed by hate and he’s teaching that hate to his young son, Rolf (played by a very, very young Mark-Paul Gosselaar). While Jan rants about conspiracies and bankers, Rolf cleans the guns in the basement.

At a Nazi rally, Jan’s speech is interrupted by Everett’s son, Joseph (David Kaufman). Cal proceeds to make his way through the crowd and ends up shooting Joseph dead. When Everett hears the news, he has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital by two paramedics, Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon. Meanwhile, while Jan and Cal celebrate in their basement, Rolf picks up a submachine gun and, not realizing it’s loaded, pulls the trigger and guns both men down.

Everett finally gets the heart transplant that he’s needed ever since he was first liberated from the camps. Unfortunately, that heart comes from Jan Baldt. At first, Everett refuses to accept the heart but then the ghosts of his parents and of Joseph appear to him and tell him that he has to continue to live and let people know the truth about what happened in the camps.

Later, Everett leaves the hospital and tells the reporters waiting outside that he will never be silent.

This seems to be one of the episodes of Highway to Heaven that anyone who has ever watched the show remembers. Because the show is usually rather gentle and non-violent, this episode can be a rather jarring viewing experience. The first time I saw it, the only thing that stunned me more than Joseph’s death was the subsequent deaths of Jan and Cal. The episode ends on an uplifting note but I always find myself wondering what happened to Rolf. Without his father around to brainwash him, will Rolf be able to learn something other than hate? Or is it too late for him? Is Rolf damned to follow in his father’s footsteps?

With the current rise of anti-Semitism, this episode still feels incredibly relevant. There’s really not much difference between Jan Baldt’s rants and the stuff currently being spewed by Nick Fuentes, Candace Owens, and Brianna Joy Gray. This episode reminds us that “never again” has to be more than just a catch phrase.

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #100: Pearl Harbor (dir by Michael Bay)

Posted on June 3, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“And then all this happened…”

Nurse Evelyn Johnson (Kate Beckinsale) in Pearl Harbor (2001)

The “this” that Evelyn Johnson is referring to is the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. You know, the date will live in infamy. The attack that caused the United States to enter World War II and, as a result, eventually led to collapse of the Axis Powers. The attack that left over 2,000 men died and 1,178 wounded. That attack.

In the 2001 film Pearl Harbor, that attack is just one of the many complications in the romance between Danny (Ben Affleck), his best friend Rafe (Josh Hartnett), and Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale). The other complications include Danny briefly being listed as dead, Danny being dyslexic before anyone knew what dyslexia was (and yet, later, he’s still seen reading and writing letters with absolutely no trouble, almost as if the filmmakers forgot they had made such a big deal about him not being able to do so), and the fact that Rafe really, really likes Evelyn. Of course, the main complication to their romance is that this is a Michael Bay film and he won’t stop moving the camera long enough for anyone to have a genuine emotion.

I imagine that Pearl Harbor was an attempt to duplicate the success of Titanic, by setting an extremely predictable love story against the backdrop of a real-life historical tragedy. Say what you will about Titanic (and there are certain lines in that film that, when I rehear them today, make me cringe), Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet had genuine chemistry. None of that chemistry is present in Pearl Harbor. You don’t believe, for a second, that Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are lifelong friends. You don’t believe that Kate Beckinsale is torn between the two of them. Instead, you just feel like you’re watching three actors who are struggling to give a performance when they’re being directed by a director who is more interested in blowing people up than in getting to know them.

Continuing the Titanic comparison, Pearl Harbor‘s script absolutely sucks. Along with that line about “all this” happening, there’s also a scene where Franklin D. Roosevelt (Jon Voight) reacts to his cabinet’s skepticism by rising to his feet and announcing that if he, a man famously crippled by polio and confined to a wheelchair, can stand up, then America can win a war.

I’ve actually been to Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. I have gone to the USS Arizona Memorial. I have stood and stared down at the remains of the ship resting below the surface of the ocean. It’s an awe-inspiring and humbling site, one that leaves you very aware that over a thousand men lost their lives when the Arizona sank.

I have also seen the wall which lists the name of everyone who was killed during the attack on Pearl Harbor and until you’ve actually been there and you’ve seen it with your own eyes, you really can’t understand just how overwhelming it all is. The picture below was taken by my sister, Erin.

If you want to pay tribute to those who lost their lives at Pearl Harbor, going to the Arizona Memorial is a good start. But avoid Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor at all costs.