Remember how, in the last episode of Baywatch Nights that we shared, David Hasselhoff was possessed by a demon? Well, in this special bonus edition of Horror on TV, he’s menaced by a vampire. And it’s just as silly as you would probably expect…
Enjoy!
Did y’all know that there used to be a TV show that featured David Hasselhoff as a paranormal investigator who battled supernatural monsters on the beaches of California?
Well, don’t feel too bad because, up until my boyfriend told me about it last night, I didn’t know either. But apparently, there was and it was called Baywatch Nights!
And here’s an episode of it for tonight’s excursion into the world of televised horror!
The Eighth Seal was originally broadcast on April 26th, 1997 and it features David Hasselhoff getting possessed. So, there’s always that.
When last I posted, I was snowed in and I was still dealing with the trauma of seeing the Super Bowl half-time show. Well, a week has passed. The snow has melted, the half-time show has faded from memory, and I’m ready to start posting again. And what better way to prove it than with a new edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers?
Earlier today, when I was talking about which trailers I was thinking of including in this edition, Jeff asked me if I had included any Sonny Chiba trailers. The way he asked the question seemed to indicate that it was the most important thing he had ever asked so, understandably, I was a little nervous when I answered, “N-no, I don’t think so.”
Well, apparently, that wasn’t the right answer because Jeff’s eyes just about popped out of his head and he’s lucky that he’s s0 cute because I might otherwise have taken his reaction personally. Instead of taking offense, I’m going to start this edition off with Sonny Chiba in The Streetfighter.
This one is from one of the great, unacknowledged directors of British cinema, Peter Walker. I think it’s always strange for Americans to hear grindhouse dialogue being delivered in an English accent.
3) Witchery
This is a trailer for an Italian film that is also known as “House 4,” “Witchcraft,” “Ghost House,” and “Demons 5.” In Italy, it was promoted as a sequel to Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead 2. For all I know, they may have tried to sell this as an installment in the Zombi series as well. I saw this film a few years ago when I was first starting to explore the world of Italian horror and oh my God, it gave me nightmares. Seriously, don’t let the presence of David Hasselhoff fool you. This is a disturbing movie that was produced (and some day actually directed) by the infamous Joe D’Amato.
Apparently, the trailer is disturbing as well as I tried to show it to my sister Erin earlier and she asked me stop it around the time the gentleman with the weird mouth showed up.
4) Fighting Mad
“Even a peaceful man…can get fighting mad!” Peter Fonda looked good playing archer. This is an early film from Jonathan Demme who directed one of my favorite films ever, Rachel Getting Married.
I’m scared to death of rollercoasters so I probably won’t be seeing this film anytime soon. Still this film has a surprisingly good cast — George Segal, Richard Widmark, Henry Fonda — for a movie about a rollercoaster.
6) Big Bad Mama
Not to be confused with Crazy Mama or Bloody Mama, Big Bad Mama features Angie Dickinson, Tom Skerritt, William Shatner, and a lot of tommy guns. It’s not a great film but it is a lot more fun than Public Enemies.
What is there to say about Dodgeball – A True Underdog Story other than it’s a no-brainer of a hilarious movie that doesn’t aspire to lofty heights. What it does do is come out firing with some of the funniest physical comedy and one-liners since The Farrelly Brothers’ Something About Mary. First time director Rawson Marshall Thurber does a good enough job to keep the laughs coming one right after the another to keep Dodgeball from becoming too repetitive.
The movie is a riff from the stock underdog sports genre with a Peter La Fleur (played by Vince Vaughn with his usual sardonic wit) having to find a way to save his Average Joe’s Gym from being foreclosed by his bank and turned by a rival hi-tech gym next door into a parking lot. Who else would be the perfect foil for Vince Vaughn’s Peter La Fleur but none other than Ben Stiller as the former-fatty turned workout fitness Nazi, White Goodman. Goodman’s Globo Gym is a state-of-the art, sterile and BALCO-like gym where insults and making its members feel ugly, fat and useless is the way to clean health and the perfect bod.
Already, within the first fifteen minutes, we know who to root for and who to boo. In one corner we have the Average Joe’s guys played with comedic timing by Justin Long, Stephen Root, Chris Williams, Alan Tudyk and Joel Moore. Stiller’s Goodman and his consigliere Me’Shell (Jamal Duff channeling Barry White) with a hand-picked ringer of a dodgeball team he calls the Purple Cobras. With the two sides set the dodgeball carnage begins as Average Joe’s must win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Invitational to earn the $50,000 needed to save the gym. To round out the Average Joe’s team will be the bank accountant who ends up sympathizing with the Joe’s, Kate Veatch (played by Stiller’s real-life wife, Christine Taylor) and Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn in a scene-stealing role).
Rip Torn is hilarious as the acerbic and insane former dodgeball great Patches O’Houlihan. He pretty much gets all the best one-liners in the movie the moment he appears on the screen. He coaches the Average Joe’s team by browbeating them, insulting them and, failing that, throwing wrenches at them to help them in learning the 5 D’s of dodgeball: Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge. In fact, I would say that if it wasn’t for Rip Torn’s character dominating the middle part of the movie, I think Dodgeball‘s constant ball to the groin shots would’ve gotten old. Instead Patches O’Houlihan constantly gave people watching a reason to laugh out loud.
Dodgeball – A True Underdog Story is a movie that the Academy voters will not go about showering with praises and awards, but I’m sure most of them will be watching it and laughing out loud like the rest of the general public. Dodgeball is one hilarious, one-liner after one-liner ball to the nuts funny and it doesn’t aspire to be anything else but that. This movie will never get old with each viewing and will continue to make people laugh out loud.
Last night, with the help of my friend Jeff, I conducted an experiment.
First, I took out my contacts which basically left me blind. Then, just to make sure I was totally without sight, I had Jeff blindfold me. He then took me by the hand and led me over to my DVD collection. Clumsily, I grabbed 10 DVDs at random and handed them back to Jeff. I then proceeded to walk into a wall, at which point I tried to take off the blindfold and ended up losing my balance and falling down flat on my ass.
Why was I risking life and limb to randomly select 10 DVDs?
I did it so you could have the chance to tell me what to do. At the bottom of this article, you will find a poll listing the 10 DVDs I randomly selected. Come next Saturday (June 19th to be exact), I will watch and review whichever movie receives the most votes in the poll. In short, I’m giving you all the power.
Now, to be honest, I’m feeling just a little trepidation about doing this. Whenever you set up a poll, you’re running the risk of absolutely no one voting. Fortunately, I have a plan B in that I recently got the 1st season of Gossip Girl on DVD. If nobody votes in the poll, I’ll just spend next Saturday watching Gossip Girl and writing several long — very long — essays on how different Chuck is in the books as compared to the TV show.
The choice, as they say, is yours.
The 10 movies I blindly selected are listed below in alphabetical order.
1) Anatomy of a Murder (1959) — Jimmy Stewart asks Lee Remick a lot of questions about her panties.
2) Darling (1965) — Julie Christie claws her way to the top of the modeling industry and discovers ennui.
3) Emanuelle in America (1978) — Emanuelle investigates decadence in America. Some people think that this movie contains footage taken from an actual snuff film. We call those people “idiots.”
4) Hatchet For The Honeymoon (1969) — Mario Bava directs this film about a man driven to murder by the sight of an unflattering bridal gown.
5) Lost in Translation (2003) — I will admit that I squealed with joy when I discovered that I had randomly selected one of my favorite movies of all time.
6) Primer (2004) — Engineers play with time and space. Oddly enough, this movie was filmed a few miles away from where I live.
7) The Sidewalks of Bangkok (1986) — Like most of Jean Rollin’s film, this is something of a misunderstood masterpiece.
8 ) Sole Survivor (1982) — An atmospheric little horror film with a sadly generic title.
9) Starcrash (1978) — Strange sci-fi movie in which Christopher Plummer recruits space pirate Caroline Munro to battle a pre-Maniac Joe Spinell. This film also marks the screen debut of David Hasselhoff.
10) The Sweet House of Horrors (1989) — One of Lucio Fulci’s last films.
So, those are our ten options. On Saturday, July 19th, I will sit down, watch, and review whichever movie receives the most votes. On that day, for four to six hours, I will give up my independence and submit to the wishes of the majority.
Through the Shattered Lens 