Horror On TV: Tales From The Crypt 5.7 “House of Horror” (dir by Bob Gale)

Posted on October 27, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s excursion into televised horror is the 7th episode of the 5th season of HBO’s Tales From The Crypt!

House of Horrors has everything that you could possibly want from a Tales From The Crypt episode! A dumbass idiot frat boy (played by Kevin Dillon) forces three pledges to enter a supposedly haunted house. Mayhem ensues. This episode is full of atmosphere, dark humor, plot twists, and unexpected turns and it features two wonderfully over-the-top performances, one from Dillon and one from Meredith Salenger as a Southern-accented sorority president who may have a secret of her own.

This episode originally aired on October 27th, 1993 and is currently celebrating its 30th birthday.

Enjoy!

Horror Film Review: Children of the Corn (dir by Fritz Kiersch)

Posted on October 5, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What to say about the original Children of the Corn?

First released in 1984, this film was based on one of Stephen King’s least interesting short stories. It’s a pretty dumb and poorly-paced movie, featuring villainous puritan children who are more annoying than menacing. The heroes aren’t particularly likable, even if one of them is played by Linda Hamilton. And yet, somehow, Children of the Corn spawned an 11-entry film franchise. (The 11th Children of the Corn film was released in 2020, 36 years after the original.) The original film was remade in 2009 and it continues to be a familiar reference point on the pop cultural landscape. I’ve lost track of the number of Children of the Corn parodies that I’ve seen.

The plot is pretty simple. One day, all of the children in a small rural town get together and kill all the adults. They worship a mysterious entity called He Who Walks Behind The Rows and they sacrifice any adult who is stupid enough to wander into town. The leader of the children is shrill-voiced little twerp named Isaac (John Franklin) and his second-in-command and chief enforcer is the sullen Malachai (played by Courtney Gaies). The children all dress like 1880s settlers and they spend a lot of time staring at each other. Eventually, Malachai overthrows Isaac and ties him to a cross, which leads to a seemingly endless scene of Isaac screeching, “Malachai!” over and over again.

Meanwhile, two adults have accidentally driven into town, Burt (Peter Horton) and his girlfriend, Vicky (Linda Hamilton). They end up running over a child who was trying to flee the cult. They put the body in the trunk of their car and then they kind of forget about it. In their defense, they’ve got a lot to deal with. The children want to sacrifice Vicky and Burt wants to lecture all of the children about how their backwards ways are ruining America. I’m not kidding. This film about children wearing old timey clothes and talking about He Who Walks Behind The Rows tries to convince the viewers that it has a sincere message.

Children of the Corn was not the first movie about killer children but it’s certainly one of the most influential. You have to wonder why because the film itself simply isn’t very good. Beyond the bad acting and the heavy-handed sermonizing, the film’s pacing is all off. A simple story shouldn’t have this many slow spots. Director Fritz Kiersch falls so in love with shots of that haunted cornfield that he forget to use them to tell a compelling story.

And yet, it can’t be denied that there is an audience for this film and the many sequels that followed. I imagine some of it has to do with the fact that people are just fascinated by the idea of evil children. We’re expected to like and forgive the behavior of children, regardless of how obnoxious they may be. Movies like Children of the Corn exploit a real fear that many people have, that children will figure out that they can get away with murder and therefore, they will. It’s a simple and not particularly well-executed idea but it’s one that led to an 11-film franchise so I guess one should never discount the value of keeping it simple.

In the Line of Duty: The Price of Vengeance (1994, directed by Dick Lowry)

Posted on August 12, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Johnnie Moore (Brent Jennings) is a former limo driver turned criminal mastermind. The members of his gang look up to him with cult-like admiration. On his orders, they have been robbing businesses all over town. Johnnie says that he is a man of God but he has no hesitation when it comes to ordering his men to threaten and sometimes kill any witnesses. When Detective Tom Williams (Michael Gross) comes to close to finally convincing someone to testify against the gang, Moore orders his assassination. When the members of his gang fail to get the job done because none of them want to shoot Tom when his family is around, Johnnie does it himself by dressing up as a clown and gunning Tom down in front of Tom’s son. That was Johnnie’s biggest mistake because now, he’s got Tom’s best friend, Detective Jack Lowe (Dean Stockwell), after him.

After Street Wars, NBC’s next two In The Line of Duty films both focused on FBI sieges. Both The Siege at Marion and Ambush in Waco featured true stories of the FBI trying to arrest religious fanatics and having to wait out a stand-off. Ambush in Waco was controversial because it was not only based on the Branch Davidian stand-off but it was actually filmed while the stand-off was still going on. Perhaps because of the controversy, The Price of Vengeance tells a much simpler and less exploitive story. Johnnie Moore is a criminal who kills a cop. Jack Lowe makes it his mission to put him away. There’s no risk of anyone watching siding with Johnnie Moore like they may have done with David Koresh while watching Ambush in Waco. Moore kills a man in front of his son and then laughs about it. Everyone watching is going to want to see him get punished and they are going to cheer on the efforts of law enforcement to make sure the punishment fits the crime.

The Price of Vengeance is a typical police procedural but it has a good cast. After playing a killer in the first In The Line of Duty movie and the lead FBI man in the third one, Michael Gross is cast as the victim here and he’s so likable that you’ll be angered when he gets gunned down. Dean Stockwell brings his no-nonsense, down-to-Earth style to the role of Gross’s best friend and Brent Jennings is smug and evil as Johnnie Moore. Mary Kay Place, Kathleen Robertson, and Justin Garms play the members of Gross’s family and they all do a good job of showing the trauma that they’ve suffered as a result of his murder. Keep an eye out for Courtney Gains, playing a member of Moore’s criminal crew. Gains played this same character in a dozen different films. If you see Courtney Gains in a movie, look out because he’s up to no good!

The Price of Vengeance is a standard 90s cop show. Nothing about it will take you by surprise but it’s partially redeemed by its cast.

Faster (2010, directed by George Tilllman, Jr.)

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

A man known as the Driver (played by Dwayne Johnson) is released from prison, having served time for taking part in a bank robbery. As soon as he gets his freedom, the Driver is jumping in a fast car, driving across Nevada and California, and killing everyone who he believes set him up and murdered his half-brother. The Driver has even made out list of the people on whom he needs to get revenge. Among those on the Driver’s list are a nightclub bouncer, a snuff film producer, an traveling evangelist, and one name that the Driver has not bothered to write down.

As the Driver conducts his killing spree, he is pursued by two other men who each have their own reason for wanting to find him. The Cop (Billy Bob Thornton) is close to retirement and has a heroin addiction. The Killer (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) is a hit man who views murder as a personal challenge and who plans to marry his girlfriend (Maggie Grace) as soon as he takes care of the Driver.

Today, we take Dwayne Johnson’s superstardom for granted so it’s interesting to go back and watch a movie like Faster, which was made when Johnson was still best known as a wrestler and there were still doubts about whether or not he had the screen presence to carry an entire film on his own. Though Johnson’s character is the main character and it’s his single-minded quest for revenge that propels the plot, the film spends as much time with the Cop and the Killer as it does with the Driver. The Driver doesn’t get much dialogue. Instead, the majority of the Driver’s scenes emphasize Johnson’s physical presence, casting him as the unstoppable hand of fate. Johnson doesn’t really get to show what he can do as an actor until nearly halfway through the film, when the Driver has an emotional meeting with his mother. Johnson acquits himself well in the scene but it’s still obvious that the film was made before people realized that Dwayne Johnson really could act.

Seen today, Faster is a relentless and exciting B-movie. It’s fast-paced and, even if it doesn’t give Johnson a chance to say much, it’s smart enough to surround him with memorable character actors like Billy Bob Thornton, Tom Berenger, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, and Carla Gugino. Even without a lot of dialogue, Dwayne Johnson is such an imposing figure and has so much screen presence that he dominates the film in a way that it’s hard to believe that there were ever any doubts about whether or not he could be a film star. Faster holds up well, as both an action movie and star-making vehicle for Dwayne Johnson.

Dilemma (1997, directed by Eric Larsen)

Posted on January 22, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Delfina, a precocious ten year-old, desperately needs a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately, the only available donor is Rudy Salazar (Danny Trejo), a sociopath who is currently sitting on Death Row. (We’re told that Rudy is the only possible donor because both he and Delfina are “half-Mexican, half-Greek.” I’m not a medical expert but I imagine there’s probably more to finding a donor than just that. And, even if it was that simple, surely Rudy and Delfina are not the only two people of Mexican-Greek ancestry living in Los Angeles.) Lydia Cantrell (Sofia Shinas), who works for the governor, arranges for Rudy’s death sentence to be commuted to life in prison in return for him donating his marrow. At the hospital, Rudy stages a violent escape and soon, he and his old gang are on a rampage.

It falls to renegade Detective Quin Quinlan (C. Thomas Howell) to track down Rudy and bring his rampage to an end. The only catch is that Rudy has to be captured alive because Delfina still needs that transplant. Complicating matters is that Quinlan really enjoys shooting the bad guys.

If the plot of Dilemma sounds familiar, you may be one of the handful of people who remember an old Michael Keaton/Andy Garcia film called Desperate Measures. Desperate Measures may have had the same plot as Dilemma (along with a bigger budget and bigger stars in the cast) but it didn’t have Danny Trejo. Trejo appears without his trademark mustache and he really plays up the idea that Rudy Salazar is one evil dude. Rudy’s so evil that he even laughs at shooting people in the back. When a member of his gang is wounded in a shootout and begs, “Don’t leave me, dawg!,” Rudy takes one look at him and says, “You’re of no use to me.” Only Danny Trejo can make a line that work. With the rest of the cast not making much of an effort one way or the other, Danny Trejo is the best thing about Dilemma and one of two reasons to watch the movie. The other reason is to watch in amazement as both the police and the criminals fire thousand of bullets at each other without ever having to stop and reload their guns. Luckily, they’re all terrible shots who only have good aim when its convenient for the plot.

There’s no dilemma about skipping this one.

A Movie A Day #337: Colors (1988, directed by Dennis Hopper)

Posted on December 12, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Los Angeles in the 80s. Beneath the California glamour that the rest of America thinks about when they think about L.A., a war is brewing. Bloods vs Crips vs the 21st Street Gang. For those living in the poorest sections of the city, gangs provide everything that mainstream society refuses to provide: money, a chance to belong, a chance to advance. The only drawback is that you’ll probably die before you turn thirty. Two cops — veteran Hodges (Robert Duvall) and rookie McGavin (Sean Penn) — spend their days patrolling a potential war zone. Hodges tries to maintain the peace, encouraging the gangs to stay in their own territory and treat each other with respect. McGavin is aggressive and cocky, the type of cop who seems to be destined to end up on the evening news. With only a year to go before his retirement, Hodges tries to teach McGavin how to be a better cop while the gangs continue to target and kill each other. The cycle continues.

Colors was one of the first and best-known of the “modern gang” films. It was also Dennis Hopper’s return to directing, 17 years after the notorious, drug-fueled disaster of The Last Movie. Hopper took an almost documentary approach to Colors, eschewing, for the most part, melodrama and instead focusing on the day-to-day monotony of life in a war zone. There are parts of Colors that are almost deliberately boring, with Hodges and McGavin driving through L.A. and trying to stop trouble before it happens. Hopper portrays Hodges and McGavin as being soldiers in a war that can’t be won, combatants in a concrete Vietnam. Colors is nearly 20 years old but it holds up. It’s a tough and gritty film that works because of the strong performances of Duvall and Penn. The legendary cinematographer Haskell Wexler vividly captures the harshness of life in the inner city. Actual gang members served as extras, adding to the film’s authentic, documentary feel. Among the actors playing gang members, Don Cheadle, Trinidad Silva, Glenn Plummer, and Courtney Gains all make a definite impression. In a small but important role, Maria Conchita Alonso stands in for everyone who is not a cop and who is not a gang member but who is still trapped by their endless conflict.

One person who was not impressed by Colors was future director John Singleton. Boyz ‘n The Hood was largely written as a response to Colors‘s portrait of life in South Central Los Angeles.

A Movie A Day #183: No Code of Conduct (1998, directed by David Lee…sorry, Bret Michaels)

Posted on July 10, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

From the strange period of time in which Charlie Sheen wanted people to call him Charles, comes this generic action movie.

Detective Jake Peterson (Charles Sheen) is a loser. Even though his father (Martin Sheen) is the chief of police, Jake is so bad at his job that he has been assigned to work in the evidence locker. His wife (Meredith Salenger) is always yelling at him for being a neglectful father. The only person who likes Jake is his partner (Mark Dascasos, who is wasted) and partner’s never live for long in cop movies. When Jake discovers that evil businessman Julian Disanto (Ron Masak) is plotting to smuggle Mexican heroin into Arizona, he has a chance for redemption but it will not be easy because Disanto is not only working with a corrupt DEA agent (Paul Gleason, of course) but he also has a band of psychotic henchmen.

This predictable and not very exciting action film is interesting for two reasons. First of all, it was directed by the poor man’s David Lee Roth, Bret Michaels. At the time, the future star of Rock of Love and Celebrity Apprentice winner was best known for being the lead singer of the most boring hair metal band of the 80s, Poison. It is always interesting when someone who found fame as something other than a filmmaker tries his hand at directing. Sometimes, the results can be surprisingly good and sometimes, the result is No Code For Conduct. Michaels and Sheen (who co-wrote the script) may have been trying to pull off an homage to the action films of their youth but No Code For Conduct has more in common with the work of Uwe Boll than the work of William Friedkin.

The other interesting thing about No Code for Conduct is that, even though “Charles” and Martin are top-billed, it is actually a four Sheen/Estevez movie. Renee Estevez briefly appears as a cop while Martin’s brother, Joe Estevez, is in charge of the police motor pool. If No Code For Conduct is an act-off between the members of the Sheen/Estevez clan, Joe emerges as the clear winner. Charlie does his wide-eyed intense thing. Martin goes through the movie with a “the shit I do for my son” air of resignation. Renee is not around long enough to make an impression. But Joe?

Joe Estevez is the man!

Joe Estevez, the only Estevez that matters

Horror On TV: Tales From The Crypt 5.7 “House of Horror” (dir by Bob Gale)

Posted on October 17, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s excursion into televised horror is the 7th episode of the 5th season of HBO’s Tales From The Crypt!

This episode originally aired on October 27th, 1993.

Enjoy!

Horror on the Lens: Children of the Corn (dir by Fritz Kiersch)

Posted on October 9, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s horror on the lens is the 1984 film that TSL editor-in-chief Arleigh Sandoc has called the worst Stephen King adaptation of all time. For the record, I tend to agree with that judgment but, for some reason, a lot of people seem to like Children of the Corn.

And I will admit — the kids are creepy. Especially that little Isaac guy with the shrill voice. Whenever Isaac starts screaming, “MALACHI!!!!,” — well, it’s like nails on a chalkboard, to be honest.

Anyway, in case you’d forgotten, this is the movie where all the little kids hang out in a cornfield and kill adults. It attempts to say something about religion but I’m not sure what it’s trying to say. It’s all kind of silly but, as I said, some people seem to like it.

(Personally, I prefer that old episode of South Park where they keep declaring shenanigans on the carnival, all the cows jump off a cliff, and the visiting yankee tourists end up getting devoured by rats in jail.)

In order to help you decide for yourself whether or not this is a decent film, here is Stephen King’s Children of the Corn! Enjoy it while you can because you just know that YouTube is going to eventually yank it down for copyright reasons.

Back to School Part II #24: Can’t Buy Me Love (dir by Steve Rash)

Posted on September 6, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For some reason, the 1987 comedy Can’t Buy Me Love is really beloved by clickbait headline writers. I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve seen headlines like “Why We Still Love Can’t Buy My Love” or “See What The Cast Of Can’t Buy Me Love Looks Like Today!”

Why is it that the worst movies always seem to have the most rabid fan bases? Actually, to be fair, Can’t Buy Me Love is not one of the worst movies of all time. I watched it on Netflix a few nights ago and it wasn’t terrible. But, at the same time, it was hardly the classic that so many articles have made it out to be. Maybe the people writing about Can’t Buy Me Love are viewing it through the lens of nostalgia. Who knows? Maybe my future children will think I’m a weirdo for loving Easy A.

(They better not! Easy A is the best!)

Anyway, Can’t Buy Me Love takes place in the same upper class suburb in which all teen films from the 80s take place. Nerdy Ronald Miller (Patrick Dempsey) has spent the summer mowing lawns and he’s raised enough money that he can finally afford to buy a super telescope. However, as Ronald is walking through the mall, he sees the girl that he’s been crushing on, Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson). Disobeying her mother, Cindy borrowed a suede outfit without asking. She wore it to a party, the outfit got ruined, and now Cindy desperately needs a replacement. The leads to Ronald getting an idea. Who needs a telescope when he can use his money to pay Cindy to be his girlfriend for a month? Cindy can buy a new outfit and Ronald can date the most popular girl in school and become popular himself!

School begins and Ronald’s plan seems to work. With Cindy’s help, Ronald goes from being a nottie to being a hottie! (Yes, that’s a reference to the infamous Paris Hilton film from 2008, The Hottie and the Nottie.) Of course, it’s a very 80s transformation. Ronald learns about the importance of sungalsses, vests, and going sleeveless. Along the way, Cindy falls in love with Ronald and comes to realize that her friends are all a bunch of followers. When Ronald starts to do a spastic dance, Cindy can only watch in shock as all of her friends starts to the same dance, convinced that it has to be cool if Ronald is doing it!

Meanwhile, Ronald changes. Being popular goes to his head. He rejects his old friends. He becomes a jerk. It’s only when he discovers that his oldest friend, Kenneth (Courtney Gains, who appears in hundreds of these films), is being targeted by the popular kids that Ronald is forced to confront the type of person he has become and hopefully realize that you can’t buy love…

It’s always weird to see Patrick Dempsey in these old high school movies. Some of that is because he was so scrawny that it’s hard to believe that he’s the same actor who made McDreamy into a household word. Add to that, Patrick Dempsey is a good actor now. Judging from this film, he wasn’t necessarily a good actor in the 80s. At times, Dempsey seems to be trying so hard that it’s actually uncomfortable to watch. Amanda Peterson, who tragically passed away last year, is a lot more natural as Cindy.

Anyway, Can’t Buy Me Love was apparently a huge hit back when it was released and it appears that a lot of people have good memories of watching it. I thought it was kind of bland and poorly acted. I’ll stick with Easy A.