Film Review: Precious Cargo (dir by Max Adams)


2016’s Precious Cargo tells the story of Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and his ex-wife Karen (Claire Forlani).

Karen is a professional thief who has botched a robbery for her former lover, crime boss Eddie Filosa (Bruce Willis).  Eddie wants Karen dead so, of course, Karen flees down to the Florida everglades, where she finds Jack living in a swamp shack and making love to his latest girlfriend, Jenna (Lydia Hull).  Karen tells them to go ahead and finish up and she’ll just wait out in the kitchen.  Jack in not particularly happy to see Karen again but then he notices that she has a baby bump.  “Always use a condom,” Karen tells Jenna.  Eddie’s men, led by Simon (Daniel Berhardt), attack and it all leads to a boat chase that is surprisingly exciting when you consider that Precious Cargo is a low-budget, direct-to-video offering.

It turns out that Jack can save Karen from Eddie’s wrath by planning and executing a heist for the crime boss.  Jack assembles his crew, Jack gets ready for the heist …. uh-oh, it’s time for a double cross!  The plot is nothing special.  It’s identical to a hundred other low-budget crime films that you’ve seen recently.  It’s the type of thing that Michael Mann could have turned into a metaphor for American ennui but, in this film, it’s just a typical heist.  The viewer enjoys it while it’s happening and then forgets about it two minutes afterwards.

That said, Precious Cargo is not quite as bad as the typical direct-to-video film.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar — yes, Zack Morris himself — gives a reasonably compelling performance as Jack.  To a certain group of people, he’s always be Zack and I imagine he’s sick of people asking him about whether or not he still has his giant phone but, as he’s gone from teen idol to adult actor, Gosselaar has shown himself to be a talented actor.  (For the record, Zack lost his phone in the drunk driving episode.  I know some people say that episode doesn’t count because it was a Tori episode but I say that it does.  So there.)  Claire Forlani is actually more compelling in these direct-to-video films than she ever was in any of the big budget studio films that she used to appear in.

Of course, I imagine that the main selling point for this film was meant to be Bruce Willis.  This is one of the direct-to-video films that dominated the last fourth of Willis’s career.  When Willis retired due to aphasia, there was a general assumption that all of Willis’s direct-to-video films were made as a result of his condition.  I don’t know if that’s quite true.  (It’s entirely possible that he just wanted a quick payday.)  But it is true that Willis only has a few minutes of screentime in Precious Cargo and that several shots involving Eddie were accomplished with a stand-in.  That said, in this film, Willis still brings some energy to the part.  He’s an effective villain, even if I think everyone prefers to see Willis saving the day.  Even in the direct-to-video era, Bruce Willis still had a definite presence.

Precious Cargo is predictable and ultimately forgettable but it’s still entertaining enough for 90 minutes.

The Eric Roberts Collection: Amazing Racer (dir by Frank E. Johnson)


2009’s Amazing Racer is the story of a teenage girl who meets her mother and learns how to ride a horse.

Shannon Greene (Julianne Michelle) is traumatized when her father dies and, having been told that her mother died giving birth to her, she now believes herself to be an orphan.  However, Dr. Rita Baker (Daryl Hannah) reveals that Shannon’s father was just a damn liar.  First, he told Shannon’s mother that her baby was stillborn.  Then, as Shannon was growing up, he told her that her mother was dead.  This is a lot to take in for both Shannon and the viewer.  Myself, I wondered not only how someone could do that but why they would do that.  Making the scene in which Shannon hears the truth even more surreal was the presence of Michael Madsen and Joanna Pacula, playing Shannon’s guardians.  Madsen played his good guy role in much the same way he played his bad guy in Reservoir Dogs.

Anyway, Shannon ends up living with her mother, Dr. Christine Pearson (Claire Forlani), and her mother’s boyfriend, Eric (Jason Gedrick).  Understandably, considering everything that she’s been through, Shannon is initially difficult and bratty but eventually, she comes to enjoy working on Eric’s horse ranch.  She even starts riding a horse and winning races!  This brings her to the attention of evil Mitchell Prescott (Eric Roberts), who wants her horse for himself and even has a spy working on the ranch….

There are a lot familiar faces in this movie.  Charles Durning makes his final film appearance as Floyd.  Steve Guttenberg has a bizarre cameo as a guy transporting a horse trailer.  Scott Eastwood and Kirsta Allen show up.  When it’s time for Shannon to finally start training for the big race, Lou Gossett Jr. pops up as the trainer.  The film itself a fairly predictable horse ranch movie and it’s enjoyable if you like that sort of thing.  (Myself, I like ranches and I like horses so I don’t mind movies like this.)  But really, most of the movie’s entertainment value comes from guessing who is going to show up next.  Some of the famous faces are bit distracting.  But sometimes, it really pays off.  I really wish Lou Gossett, Jr.’s role had been bigger because he does a great job with what little time he has.

As for Eric Roberts, he gets a bit more screentime than usual.  One gets the feeling that he may have actually spent more than two days shooting his scenes for this one.  Roberts is playing a villain here and he gives a enjoyably avuncular performance as the evil Mitchell.  Roberts has fun with the role and, as a result, he’s fun to watch in this movie.

I enjoyed Amazing Racer.  It had horses and it has Eric Roberts.  What more could you want?

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Voyage (1993)
  7. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  8. Sensation (1994)
  9. Dark Angel (1996)
  10. Doctor Who (1996)
  11. Most Wanted (1997)
  12. Mercy Streets (2000)
  13. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  14. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  15. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  16. Hey You (2006)
  17. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  18. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  19. The Expendables (2010) 
  20. Sharktopus (2010)
  21. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  22. Deadline (2012)
  23. The Mark (2012)
  24. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  25. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  26. Lovelace (2013)
  27. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  28. Self-Storage (2013)
  29. This Is Our Time (2013)
  30. Inherent Vice (2014)
  31. Road to the Open (2014)
  32. Rumors of War (2014)
  33. Amityville Death House (2015)
  34. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  35. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  36. Enemy Within (2016)
  37. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  38. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  39. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  40. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  41. Dark Image (2017)
  42. Black Wake (2018)
  43. Frank and Ava (2018)
  44. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  45. Clinton Island (2019)
  46. Monster Island (2019)
  47. The Savant (2019)
  48. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  49. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  50. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  51. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  52. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  53. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  54. Top Gunner (2020)
  55. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  56. The Elevator (2021)
  57. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  58. Killer Advice (2021)
  59. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  60. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  61. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  62. Bleach (2022)
  63. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  64. Aftermath (2024)
  65. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)

Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994, directed by Alan Metter)


Russia has a problem.  Mob boss Konstantine Konali (Ron Perlman, slumming) has created a video game so addictive that the people playing it don’t even realize that it’s actually a sophisticated computer virus that allows Konali to take control of almost any security system.  As a result, Moscow has been hit by a string of robberies.  The Moscow police commandant, Nikolaivich Rakov (Christopher Lee, slumming even more than Perlman) knows that he doesn’t have the resources to stop Konali so, as so many have done before him, he decides to contact Commandant Eric Lassard (George Gaynes) and asks for help.

In others words: Police Academy Goes To Russia!

Well, some of the Police Academy graduates get to go.  After the box office failure of City Under Siege, there was a five year hiatus between that movie and the latest (and last) installment in the Police Academy film saga.  During that time, the juvenile boys who made up the franchise’s target audience all grew up and became too cool to admit that they had ever seen a Police Academy film.  By the time Mission to Moscow went into production, most of the stars of Police Academy had also either moved on or desperately wanted to create the impression that they had something better to do than go to Russia to take part in the final stand of an aging franchise.

As a result, Lassard only takes Tacklberry (David Graf), Sound Effects Machine (Michael Winslow), Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), Harris (G.W. Bailey), and Cadet Connors (Charlie Schlatter) with him to the Russia.  Cadet Connors is a computer expert and he is obviously meant to be the new Steve Guttenberg/Matt McCoy style wiseass.  He ends up falling for a pretty Russian translator (Claire Forlani).  Cadet Connors tries his best but he’s no Carey Mahoney.

Give Mission to Moscow some credit for predicting both the rise of the Russian Mafia and the danger of computer viruses.  Otherwise, Mission to Moscow ends the Police Academy franchise in a desultory manner.  The cast looks old and even the usually reliable Sound Effects Machine doesn’t bring much energy to his shtickPolice Academy: Mission to Moscow was one of the first American movies to be filmed in Moscow after the collapse of the Soviet Union and it even features an actor standing in for Boris Yeltsin.  In the tradition of a family sitcom doing a special episode of Epcot Center, there’s plenty of footage of the cast standing in front of all of the landmarks but otherwise, Mission to Moscow doesn’t do much with its setting.  It’s interesting as historical trivia but forgettable as a movie.

10 years after the series began, Mission to Moscow brought the Police Academy films to a close, not with a bang but with a very exhausted whimper.  There was a syndicated tv series featuring the Sound Effects Machine that aired in 1997 but I never saw an episode and I was surprised to lean that it even existed.  It’s on YouTube so, someday, I’ll try to watch it.  Not today, though.

 

Film Review: Basquiat (dir by Julian Schnabel)


Basquiat.  I love this movie.

I Shot Andy Warhol was not the only 1996 film to feature Andy Warhol as a character.  He was also a prominent supporting character in Basquiat.  In this film, he’s played by David Bowie and Bowie gives a far different performance than Jared Harris did in I Shot Andy Warhol.  Whereas Harris played Andy as a detached voyeur, Bowie’s performance is far more sympathetic.  (Of course, it should be noted that Harris and Bowie were playing Andy Warhol at very different points in the artist’s life.  Harris played the younger, pre-shooting Warhol.  Bowie played the older, post-shooting Warhol.)

Then again, it’s not just Andy Warhol who is portrayed more positively in Basquiat than in I Shot Andy Warhol.  The entire New York art scene is portrayed far more positively in Basquiat.  Whereas I Shot Andy Warhol was a film about an outsider who was destined to forever remain an outsider, Basquiat is a film about an outsider who becomes an insider.  On top of that, Basquiat was directed by a fellow insider, painter Julian Schnabel.

The film itself is a biopic of Jean-Michel Basquiat (very well played by Jeffrey Wright), the graffiti artist who, in the 1980s, briefly became one of the superstars of the New York art scene.  However, it’s less of a conventional biopic and more of a meditation on what it means to be an artist.  Throughout the film, Basquiat looks up to the New York skyline and sees a surfer riding a wave across the sky.  The image itself is never explicitly explained.  We never learn why, specifically, Basquiat visualizes a surfer.  But then again, that’s what makes the surfer a perfect symbol of Basquiat’s artistic sensibility and talent.  It’s a reminder that, while we can appreciate an artist’s work, only the artist can truly understand what that work is saying.  All attempts to try to explain or categorize art are as pointless as trying to understand why that surfer is in the sky.  Ultimately, the why is not as important as the simple fact that the surfer is there.

The film follows Basquiat as he goes from living on the streets to being a protegé of Andy Warhol’s and, until he overdosed on heroin, one of the shining lights of the New York art scene.  Along the way, Basquiat struggles to maintain a balance between art and the business.  In one of the key scenes of the film, an empty-headed suburbanite (Tatum O’Neal) looks at Basquiat’s work and whines that there’s too much green.  She just can’t handle all of that green.

Basquiat’s friendship with Andy Warhol provides this film with a heart.  When Bowie first appears — having lunch with a German art dealer played by Dennis Hopper — one’s natural instinct is to assume that Bowie as Warhol is stunt casting.  However, Bowie quickly proves that instinct to be wrong.  As opposed to many of the actors who have played Andy Warhol over the years, Bowie gives an actual performance.  Instead of resorting to caricature, Bowie plays Warhol as being mildly bemused by both his fame and the world in general.

Basquiat also develops a close friendship with another artist.  Gary Oldman may be playing a character named Albert Milo but it’s obvious from the moment that he first appears that he’s playing the film’s director, Julian Schnabel.  If there was any doubt, Schnabel’s studio stands in for Milo’s studio.  When Milo shows off his work, he’s showing off Schnabel’s work.  When Albert Milo introduced Basquiat to his parents, the nice old couple is played by Julian Schnabel’s actual parents.  It’s perhaps not surprising that Albert Milo is presented as being one of the most important and popular artists in New York City.  In a film full of bitchy characters, Albert Milo is unique in that literally everyone likes and respects him.  And yet Gary Oldman gives such a good and heartfelt performance that you can’t hold it against the character that he happens to be perfect.  There’s a small but touching scene in which Albert Milo and his daughter share a dance in front of one of Schnabel’s gigantic canvases.  Of course, Milo’s daughter is played by Julian Schnabel’s daughter.

The entire cast is full of familiar actors.  Willem DaFoe appears as a sculptor.  Christopher Walken plays a hilariously vapid interviewer.  Courtney Love plays a groupie.  Benicio Del Toro plays Basquiat’s best friend.  Parker Posey shows up as gallery owner Mary Boone.  Michael Wincott plays Rene Ricard, the somewhat infamous art critic who was among the first to celebrate the work of both Basquiat and Schnabel.  For once, the use of familiar actors does not sabotage the effectiveness of the film.  If anything, it helps to explain why Basquiat was so determined to make it.  There’s a magical scene where a then-unknown Basquiat peeks through a gallery window and sees Andy Warhol, Albert Milo, and Bruno Bischofberger.  However, the film’s audience sees David Bowie, Gary Oldman, and Dennis Hopper.  What both Basquiat and the audience have in common is that they’re both seeing bigger-than-life stars.

Basquiat is an often magical and poignant film and I absolutely love it.

Cleaning Out The DVR, Again #27: Running For Her Life (dir by Philippe Gagnon)


(Lisa is currently in the process of trying to clean out her DVR by watching and reviewing all 40 of the movies that she recorded from the start of March to the end of June.  She’s trying to get it all done by July 11th!  Will she make it!?  Keep visiting the site to find out!)

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The 27th film on my DVR was Running For Life, which originally aired on Lifetime on May 29th.

Running For Her Life has a very simple and yet very important message: if you’re going to take part in hypnotherapy, make sure that your therapist isn’t a fucking psycho who is obsessed with you.  Really, that seems like it should be common sense but I’ve seen enough Lifetime films to know that people of a certain age and socio-economic background are often way too quick to enter into co-dependent relationships with people that they barely know!

For instance, Alison Wynn (Claire Forlani) wants to be an Olympic-winning triathlete, despite the fact that she’s still recovering from a major accident, one that caused many doctors to tell her that she would never walk again.  Alison proved them wrong then and she wants to prove them wrong now!  The only problem is that something is holding her back from giving it her all in competition.  Could it be a childhood trauma of some sort?  Could it be her own insecurity over her husband’s attractive new assistant?

What better way to find out than to convince the famous and controversial Dr. Laura Stevens (Michelle Nolden) to take her on as a client!  At first, Laura says that she only works with professional athletes and suggests that Alison just read her book.  But Alison continues to beg and eventually, Laura relents.

It turns out that Laura is a demanding coach.  She pushes Alison to the limit and then demands even more, all the while screaming at her that her mother was right and that Alison is worthless.  But, despite the harsh treatment, Alison starts to get better.  It especially helps when Laura hyponotizes her and implant psychic suggestions in her brain.  Of course, there is a nosy reporter (Arnold Pinnock) who claims that Laura is less of a coach and more of a brainwasher but at least Laura is getting results!

Of course, that’s not all Laura is doing.  It quickly becomes apparent that she has grown obsessed with Alison.  Soon, Laura is breaking into Alison’s apartment and hiding panties behind the cushions of the living room couch.  “THESE AREN’T MINE!” Alison later yells at her husband.

It all leads to a scene in which Alison’s husband confronts Laura and Laura literally smashes a bottle over her head.  Seriously, it’s one of the most batshit crazy scenes to ever show up in a Lifetime film and it makes the entire film required viewing.

Anyway, I rather liked Running For Her Life.  Yes, it’s predictable but it’s also fun.  As well, this is one of the rare Lifetime films where the victims are just as interesting as villains.  Claire Forlani really throws herself into the role of Alison and you actually find yourself hoping that things actually do work out for her (though I have to admit that I’m still not totally sure I understand what a triathlon is).  Meanwhile, Michelle Nolden turns Dr. Laura into a truly classic Lifetime villain.

Keep an eye out for Running For Her Life!