Divorce Me, Please”

Posted on November 16, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time to spend the holidays on the big seas!

Episode 1.11 “Lonely at the Top/Silent Night/Divorce Me, Please”

(Dir by Alan Baron, originally aired on December 10th, 1977)

Yay! It’s a Christmas cruise!

Every season, The Love Boat did a special Christmas episode. Last year, MeTV presented a marathon on Love Boat Christmases and what I discovered is that every Christmas episode featured the crew working through the holidays and missing their families. Nearly every Christmas episode also featured someone dressing up as Santa Claus and at least one veteran of the Golden Age of Hollywood.

The very first Christmas episode opens with the Julie, Isaac, Gopher, and Doc talking about how much they miss their families. We find out that Gopher’s family lives on a farm. Julie is from Oregon. Doc is from Las Vegas. (The show always tried to portray Doc as being some sort of Sinatra-style swinger, despite the fact that he was played by the very even-tempered Bernie Kopell.) Their conversation is interrupted by Captain Stubing who explains that 1) he’s divorced and 2) he’s a middle-aged man who doesn’t get along with his stepmother. Not only does he not have a family but the sea is his home and he has more to worry about than everyone’s holiday spirit.

Much as with Doc being a swinger, Captain Stubing being a stern taskmaster was a recurring theme during the first season of The Love Boat. The crew was always talking about how Stubing had a reputation for demanding perfection for those working under him and being quick to fire anyone who failed to live up to his standards. And yet, we never really see anything that would back up Stubing’s fearsome reputation. Just as how Bernie Kopell was a bit too even-tempered to be believable as a legendary playboy, Gavin MacLeod was a bit too naturally pleasant to be believable as someone who would strike fear in the hearts of his crew. While I have no idea what Gavin MacLeod was like offscreen, when he’s onscreen he comes across as being likable and friendly. Whenever Captain Stubing is meant to be upset or disappointed with his crew, he comes across as being more petulant than fearsome. That’s certainly the case in this episode. Captain Stubing may say that he’s not into the holidays but you never believe him.

Of course, that works to this episode’s advantage. Realizing that he’s failing to bond with his crew and that his lack of holiday spirit is rubbing everyone the wrong way, Stubing turns to Father Mike (Dick Sargent) for advice. Father Mike is escorting a group of children to an orphanage in Mexico but he still takes time to give Stubing some counseling. Let the crew know that you care about them, Father Mike says. Stubing attempts to do so but his attempts at small talk are so awkward that the crew just becomes more frightened of him. Finally, Stubing resorts to dressing up like Santa Claus. The crew may be scared of him but Father Mike’s orphans love him. Anyway, it all works out in the end and believe it or not, I actually did find myself getting invested in this very silly storyline. Gavin MacLeod may not have been believable as a stern captain but he was likable enough that it’s hard not to feel bad about him having a bad holiday.

While this is going on, Dan Barton (John Gavin) and his wife, Lila (Donna Mills), attempt to enjoy the holiday cruise. The only problem is that Dan has just been released from prison and he is struggling to adjust to being on the outside. No soon has Dan boarded the ship then he spots his former law partner, Walter (Dean Santoro). Walter committed the crime that Dan went to prison for and Dan becomes obsessed with getting revenge on him. Lila, meanwhile, wonders if Dan will ever give up his anger. There’s something a bit jarring about going from Captain Stubing dressing up like Santa Claus to Dan Barton plotting to murder someone. John Gavin gave a good performance but the shift in tone between his story and the rest of the episode was almost too extreme. It’d be like if they had made an episode of The Office where Pam suddenly found herself tempted to cheat on Jim with a member of the documentary crew. Tonally, it just felt out of place.

Finally, everyone thinks that Paul (Shecky Greene) and Audrey Baynes (Florence Henderson) are the perfect couple but actually, they’re both sick of each other and they spend most of their time thinking about getting a divorce. The gimmick here is that we hear their thoughts. So, Paul will tell Audrey how much he loves her and then we’ll hear him think something like, “Yeah, I’d love to toss you overboard.” It’s a one joke premise that gets old pretty quickly. Also, needless to say, this is The Love Boat and not The Divorce Boat. Things work out.

My reaction to this episode was a bit mixed but, to be honest, I like Christmas shows. Even if they’re not perfect, I still like them. And it was hard for me not to smile at the Christmas tree in the ship’s lounge or at all the decorations hanging on the ship’s walls. The Captain’s story had a lot of Christmas spirit and I enjoyed that. If you can’t spend the holidays at home, The Love Boat seems like a good substitute.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.10 “Dear Beverly/The Strike/Special Deliver”

Posted on November 9, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Come aboard! We’re expecting you!

Episode 10.10 “Dear Beverly/The Strike/Special Delivery”

(directed by Allen Baron, originally aired December 3rd, 1977)

Tonight’s voyage is all about misunderstandings!

For example, Beverly Blanchard (Eva Gabor) is an advice columnist who has built a career out of helping people work their way through misunderstandings. When she boards the Love Boat, she is swarmed by fans who all want her advice. She even leads a little seminar by the pool, in which she asks people if they have any problems that she can help with. Unfortunately, what she doesn’t understand is that her husband, Russ, is feeling neglected. Usually, I would say that Russ should stop feeling sorry for himself but Russ is played Leslie Nielsen, who is so superlikable in his stiffly earnest way that it’s hard not to have some sympathy for him. When Beverly finds out that Russ has been spending time with another passenger (Stephanie Blackmore), she writes a column in which she announces her retirement so that she can give Russ the attention he deserves. Personally, I would think a better column would be about why husbands shouldn’t cheat on their wives, especially with someone who they’ve known for less than 24 hours.

Speaking of cheaters, Jeff Smith (Robert Urich) cheated on his wife, Gail (Pamela Franklin), and now they’re separated. When Jeff boards the ship, he tries to pursue a romance with Julie but he quickly admits that he’s still hung up on his wife. What Jeff doesn’t know is that Gail is also on the ship and she’s 9 months pregnant! Now, considering that this is The Love Boat, it probably will not surprise you to learn that Gail goes into labor while on the boat and it’s up to Doc and Jeff to deliver the baby while the rest of the crew waits outside. Fortunately, the baby makes it and Jeff and Gail get back together. But what about Jeff cheating on Gail? Well, Gail takes responsibility for that, saying that she drove him to it. I was expecting at least one member of the crew to tell her that Jeff was responsible for his own decisions but instead, everyone nodded alone. Like, what the Hell?

Meanwhile, Captain Stubing was upset to learn that Chef Antonio Borga (Al Molinaro) was going to be in charge of the ship’s kitchen for the cruise. Apparently, there was bad blood between the two. When Borga refused to work, Stubing attempted to prepare dinner himself. The results were disastrous but the Chef respected the Captain for trying. And perhaps Chef Borga realized that Captain Stubing could probably get him fired for insubordination. Well, the important thing is that everyone came to an agreement and people got to eat.

This was a weird episode. The Chef storyline seemed like filler. The other two stories both featured women making excuses for cheating husbands. If this episode wanted to remind me that The Love Boat is very much a show of the 70s, it succeeded. This episode had a lot of boat but not a lot of love.

Hopefully, next week’s cruise will be a bit less problematic.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.9 “Trouble My Lovely/The Common Man”

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 1.9 “Trouble, My Lovely/The Common Man”

(Directed by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 1st, 1978)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens, as most of them do, with Mr. Roarke sharing a few words with Tattoo before they leave to meet the plane. This week, Roarke is surprised to find that Tattoo wearing a turban. Tattoo has decided that there is money to be made in being a phony mind reader.

Roarke shakes his head dismissively and then it’s off to meet the latest visitors to Fantasy Island. Unfortunately, the fantasies that follow are so boring that you’ll find yourself wishing that Roarke had spent more time talking to Tattoo.

Don Knotts plays a Stanley Schecktler, a claims adjustor who dreams of being a hard-boiled private investigator. He gets his wish and soon finds himself in a noirish version of Los Angeles. Stanley is hired by Ivy Chandler (Lynda Day George) to investigate the man who is blackmailing her daughter, Peggy (Pamela Jean Bryant). Like all good detectives, Stanley narrates the story.

Eventually, Stanley finds himself investigating an actual murder! Mr. Roarke and Tattoo shows up to inform Stanley that his fantasy is potentially deadly. They offer to refund his money. (Tattoo says that he rarely ever refunds money so I guess Tattoo is the Island’s business manager. I know that’s been mentioned in a few previous episodes but I still find it hard to believe, considering how little respect Roarke seems to have for Tattoo.) Stanley, however, is determined to solve the murder. This leads to Tattoo, who has switched his turban for a fedora, giving Stanley one important piece of advice:

This fantasy had potential. What film lover hasn’t fantasized about being a character in a film noir? Unfortunately, the execution was lacking, with the majority of the comedic lines falling flat. Don Knotts has a few funny moments as the detective but the story itself never finds the right balance between comedy and noir.

That said, at least there was an unexpected twist to the detective fantasy. The show’s other fantasy was not only lame but also kind of annoying. Bernie Kopell, who was so likable as Doc Bricker on The Love Boat, is far less likable as a wimpy family man who comes to Fantasy Island with one request. He wants Mr. Roarke to be a terrible host so that he can stand up to him and win the respect of his family. Seriously, that’s the entire fantasy!

Sorry, dude, but you deserve to get treated like a schmo for having pay thousands of dollar just to get your family to look up to you. This guy spent a lot of money to have a fantasy on Fantasy Island that he could get for free just by taking his family out to Denny’s and demanding to see the manager. Seriously, this whole fantasy was a bit pointless but at least Tattoo got to try out his mind reading tricks when he and Mr. Roarke came across the Kopell sitting at the bar.

Oh well! Not every fantasy can be a winner. Hopefully, next week will be better.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.9 “The Captain’s Captain / Romance Roulette / Hounded”

Posted on November 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Love? Don’t worry. Love won’t hurt anymore.

Episode 1.9 “The Captain’s Captain / Romance Roulette / Hounded”

(dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on November 26th, 1977)

As I watched the opening scenes of the cruise’s passengers making their way onto the Love Boat, I noticed that this episode was directed by Jack Arnold. I did some online checking and I discovered that this was indeed the same Jack Arnold who directed It Came From Outer Space, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Tarantula, and a host of other so-called B pictures. By the time the 70s rolled around, Arnold was directing blaxploitation films (including Fred Williamson’s Boss) and episodic television. As I watched the episode, I found myself wondering which member of the cast probably asked Arnold the most questions about shooting Creature From The Black Lagoon. I guess that it was probably Fred Grandy, since apparently he’s a pretty intelligent guy.

As for the show itself, it featured the typical three-story structure. Gary Burghoff (who I had just watched on Fantasy Island) played a passenger who found himself trapped in his cabin with a security dog that had somehow gotten loose. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a fear of big dogs so this particular scenario would be quite traumatic for me. Burghoff, however, got along with the dog and even helped to deliver her puppies. Awwwwwwww! Big dogs are scary but little puppies are cute!

While Captain Stubing was dealing with the dog problem, his irascible father (played by Phil Silvers), who was himself a former cruise ship captain, was wandering around the ship and eventually falling in love with a cook named P.J. Muldoon (Judy Canova). Captain Stubing was skeptical of his father’s romance but, by the end of the episode, he was proposing a toast to his future stepmother. This storyline was fairly predictable but Phil Silvers and Gavin MacLeod were believable as father-and-son and their scenes together added some depth to Captain Stubing, a character who, in other episodes, has come across as being a bit flat.

Finally, Jane Curtin played Regina Parker, a literature professor who was on the cruise with two friends from college (Joanna Kerns and Susan Heldfond). The three of them played a game, in which they basically had to make the first man that they heard use a certain word fall in love with them for the duration of the cruise. The word was “screwdriver.” When Regina went up to Isaac’s bar to wait for someone to order a screwdriver, she was taken by surprise when Frank (Vincent Baggetta), the ship’s plumber, walked up with a toolbox and asked for someone to hand him a screwdriver. Regina started to hit on Frank. Frank almost immediately fell in love with her and he let her read some of his poetry. Even though his poetry was terrible, Regina fell in love with him. As you can guess, Frank eventually found out about the game but, by the end of the episode, he and Regina were promising to write each other every day. In its undeniably silly way, this was actually kind of a fun storyline. Curtin and Baggetta actually had a lot of chemistry. Frank’s poems still sucked though.

All in all, this was a pleasant episode. The guest stars were likable and the cruise itself looked like it would have been a lot of fun. Was this episode life’s sweetest reward? It was good but I wouldn’t go that far. Love is life’s sweetest reward.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.8 “Lost and Found / The Understudy / Married Singles”

Posted on October 26, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Love exciting and new….

Come aboard! We’re expecting you!

Episode 1.8 “Lost and Found / The Understudy / Married Singles”

(Directed by Stuart Margolin, originally aired on November 19th, 1977)

This week’s cruise is all about secrets and lies.

For instance, Durwood Moss (Steve Allen) and Maisie Nolan (Polly Bergen) are currently separated and their therapist has suggested that they try taking separate vacations. Maisie books a cabin on the cruise so Durwood books the cabin next door. As Durwood explains it, being in separate cabins counts as being on separate vacations. Not letting anyone know that they’re married (albeit unhappily so), Durwood pursues Barbie (Loni Anderson) and Maisie flirts with Jack (Joshua Plymouth). Of course, Durwood and Maisie end up realizing that they’re still in love. Fortunately, Jack and Barbie also fall in love with each other!

Meanwhile, 8 year-old Theodore Denison, Jr. (James Bond III) lies and says that he has his parents’ permission to be on the cruise by himself. Of course, it turns out that he’s actually a runaway. On the cruise, he meets Sharon and Richard Baker (Sandy Duncan and Jim Stafford), a married couple that is struggling to come to terms with the death of their son. Sharon wants to adopt Theodore and Theodore wants to be adopted. But then Theodore’s real parents show up and apologize for the fight that caused Theodore to run away in the first place. Still, Sharon and Richard at least find the courage to try to move on from their tragedy.

Finally, Connie Evans (Jo Ann Harris) is an assistant cruise director who has been assigned to the ship. Julie (Lauren Tewes) is supposed to be training Connie but it soon becomes clear that, in typical All About Eve fashion, Connie is plotting to steal Julie’s job. Connie’s plan is … well, it’s interesting. She continually screws up the simplest of duties and then claims that she was only doing what Julie trained her to do. When she shows up for dinner in a skimpy outfit, she claims that it’s what Julie told her to wear. I guess the plan is to make Julie look like she’s bad at training people but just because someone isn’t good at training, that doesn’t mean that they’re bad at their overall job. In fact, it would seem that most people would look at Connie’s actions and say, “You should have had enough common sense to know better, even if that’s what Julie told you.” Anyway, it all works out, albeit somewhat bizarrely. The captain reprimands Connie. The crew hates Connie and goes out of its way to humiliate her. And yet, even after it become obvious that Connie has been trying to get her fired, Julie agrees to help Connie because she thinks Connie has the makings of being a great cruise director. Just how painfully nice is Julie?

This was not a bad episode. The stuff with Durwood and Maisie was a bit dull but the other two storylines worked. Sandy Duncan brought a lot of emotional sincerity to her plotline and Jo Ann Harris was hilariously conniving in the role of Connie. This episode was a cruise that I enjoyed.

Will I also enjoy the next cruise? Find out next week!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.7 “Julie’s Old Flame / The Jinx / The Identical Problem”

Posted on October 19, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Love, exciting and new!

Let it go, it floats back to you!

We all float down here!

Episode 1.7 “Julie’s Old Flame / The Jinx / The Identical Problem”

(Directed by Don Weis, originally aired on November 12th, 1977)

The Love Boat is jinxed!

Or, at least, that’s what the crew assumes when they meet Horace and Henrietta McDonald (played by Ray Bolger and Harriet Nelson). Horace and Henrietta first met when they were children and they’ve been in love ever since. In fact, they met each other on a cruise. Unfortunately, that cruise was the Titanic!

(Remember, when this episode aired, it had been 65 years since the Titanic sank. So, there were still a few elderly survivors around.)

Anyway, the crew worries that Horace and Henrietta might bring bad luck with them and, before you know it, everyone’s getting injured. Doc Bricker gets hit by a door and ends up having to wear a bandage on his head. Gopher trips in the lounge. Isaac gets whiplash after falling in the pool. Julie ends up wearing an eye patch. To be honest, I think the crew is just clumsy.

While the crew is trying not to die, identical twins Ellen and Helen (Diana Canova) are trying to keep the crew from realizing that they’re both on the boat. (They only bought one ticket.) One of the twins falls in love with Doc Bricker. The other can’t stand him. Bricker being Bricker, he really doesn’t care how the twins feel about him. He just wants to get laid. Still, Bricker spend most of the episode very confused and very afraid of the Titanic jinx.

Meanwhile, Julie is shocked when she discovers that Buddy Stanfield (David Hedison) is on the cruise! Buddy is a wealthy and handsome attorney and he’s also Julie’s former lover. They had a whirlwind romance in Paris but then Julie discovered that Buddy was married and her heart was broken. Now, Buddy claims that he’s divorced and Julie starts to fall for him again. It’s pretty obvious that Buddy is lying but who can blame Julie when he’s played by the classy and suave David Hedison. Hedison played Felix Leiter in Live and Let Die and License to Kill. In between dealing with the jinx, the crew tries to proect Julie from Buddy. Of course, Buddy’s wife eventually shows up but at least Julie has her friends to support her!

Anyway, this was a pretty predictable episode and the plot with the twins was way too silly to believed. It didn’t help that the twins appeared to be in their early 20s while Doc Bricker is in his 40s at least. But David Hedison was a perfect cad and Ray Bolger (who, of course, is best-remembered for playing the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz) and Harriet Nelson were an adorable couple. This episode was nothing special but it was still enjoyable while it lasted.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.6 “The Joker Is Mild / Take My Granddaughter, Please / First Time Out”

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

The Love Boat 1.5 “The Joker Is Mild / Take My Granddaughter, Please / First Time Out”

(Dir by Richard Kinon and Alan Rafkin, originally aired on October 29th, 1977)

This week’s cruise is all about remaining true to yourself!

For instance, Julie makes what appears to be a big mistake when she agrees to let a washed-up comic named Barry Keys (Phil Foster) do a show in the ship’s lounge. Throughout the cruise, Barry gets on everyone’s nerves with his old-fashioned jokes and his vaudeville stylings. Captain Stubing gives Julie an annoyed look whenever Barry starts to speak. Julie knows that her career is on the line but she made a promise. And Barry, it turns out, know what he’s doing. When it comes time for his performance, he asks for a stool so that he can sit in the middle of the stage and talk about the generation gap. (“Let’s rap, as the kids say,” Barry says.) Hooray! Barry has revived his career and Julie still has a job.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Warner (Ruth Gordon) is determined to find a husband for her granddaughter, Shirley (Patty Duke, who spends the entire episode looking as if she’s wondering how she could go from winning an Oscar to this). Shirley would like to hook up with the pleasantly bland Dave King (played by Tab Hunter). Mrs. Warner wants her to go out with Dr. Bricker! In the end, Shirley stands up for herself, as any single 30 year-old should. (To be honest, I thought Patty Duke’s character was closer to 40 but that’s mostly the fault of whoever in the costume department decided to make her wear some of the least flattering outfits available.) It’s all for the best. Dave is a nice guy and Doc has an exam room full of pornographic magazines to take care of.

Finally, a group of college students board the ship with one mission in mind. They want their friend Dan (Robert Hegyes, who has a truly impressive head of hair) to lose his virginity. Dan, it turns out, is not only shy but he also has no idea how to talk to women. Fortunately, her runs into Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick) and it turns out that Marica likes shy, socially awkward guys with a lot of hair. Okay, technically Maureen is playing Barbara Holmes but seriously, we all know that Barbara was actually Marcia.

This was a majorly uneven episode. Barry’s revised act didn’t seem any funnier than his old stuff and it was kind of hard to sympathize with Shirley and her inability to make her own decisions. That said, Maureen McCormick and Robert Hegyes made for a cute couple and their storyline was the most satisfying of the episode. Personally, I think this episode would have worked better if Ruth Gordon had played Maureen McCormick’s grandmother as opposed to Patty Duke’s. McCormick was young enough that it would have been a bit less pathetic for her to be bossed around by her grandmother and one can imagine how Ruth Gordon would have reacted to McCormick picking hairy Dan over a doctor.

Oh well! The important thing is that everything worked out in the end and love won’t hurt anymore.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.5 “Isaac the Groupie / Mr. Popularity / Help! Murder!”

Posted on October 5, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Just remember …. the Love Boat promises something for everyone.

Episode 1.5 “Isaac the Groupie / Mr. Popularity / Help! Murder!”

(Directed by Peter Baldwin, Tony Webster, and James Sheldon, originally aired on October 22nd, 1977)

This episode was all about mistaken identities.

Robert Tanner (Jim Nabors) is the most annoying man to ever set sail on the Love Boat. All he does is talk and talk about what he had for dinner. Unfortunately, he’s had the same liver and onions dinner for several years now so it’s not like he has much to say that would be considered to be new. Everyone on the ship avoids Mr. Tanner but Captain Stubing insists that Julie figure out a way to keep him happy. (No, not like that….) Fortunately, two passengers read an article about an international jewel thief named Roscoe Toler and they decide that Tanner must be Toler. (What?) Suddenly, everyone is hanging out with Mr. Tanner and listening to his stories. I’m not sure why being mistaken for a criminal would make everyone want to hang out with Tanner. I mean, aren’t they worried about their jewelry?

While that’s going on, Isaac is excited because his favorite singer, Roxy Blue (Diahann Carroll), is sailing on the boat. She’s using an assumed name. Not even the rest of the crew know that she’s onboard. But Isaac recognizes her as soon as she sits down at the bar and soon, the two of them are having a ship-board romance. Good for Isaac and, even more importantly, good for Ted Lange, who gives a really likable performance in this episode. Unfortunately, once the cruise ends, Roxy will go back to her life as the world’s most famous singer and Isaac will once again be the ship’s only bartender. This is one of those storylines that would be unthinkable today. Just try to imagine any celebrity managing to sneak on a boat (or anywhere) without the world knowing.

Finally, in our third and final storyline, Bert Fredricks (David Groh) wants to throw a surprise party for his wife, Denise (Michele Lee). Unfortunately, his wife spots him talking to Julie and decides that Bert is cheating on her. Then she overhears Gopher talking about “blowing up” something and she decides that Bert is going to kill her! (Gopher was actually talking about the photographs that Bert had asked him to secretly take of his wife.) Everything is eventually worked out but seriously, how bad was their marriage that Denise had absolutely no doubt that Bert was going to kill her so that he could run off with a cruise director that he had only known for a day?

Anyway, this was another one of those mixed episodes. The Isaac storyline was nice, largely because of the chemistry between Lange and Carroll. The other two storylines were both examples of the type of thing that drives me crazy, where everything could be resolved if people just talked to each other and used a little common sense. That said, Michele Lee had a few funny moments of panic. I’d like to have a surprise birthday party on a cruise ship. That’s the important thing.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 1.4 “Message for Maureen / Gotcha / Acapulco Connection”

Posted on September 28, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome aboard, it’s love!

Episode 1.4 “Message for Maureen / Gotcha / Acapulco Connection”

(Directed by Stuart Margolin, Richard Kinon, and Peter Baldwin, originally aired on October 15th, 1977)

Oh no! It’s a stowaway! I guess any television show that took place on a cruise ship would have to feature at least one storyline featuring a stowaway. It’s a bit disconcerting that The Love Boat couldn’t make it for more than four episodes before using the most obvious plotline but then again, the show ended up running for 9 seasons and a movie. So, apparently, audiences didn’t mind and I have a feeling that there will probably be many more stowaway stories to come.

The stowaway in this episode is April Lopez (played by Charo). Apparently, April became a recurring character, one who appeared in almost every season. In this, her first appearance, she sneaks onto the boat in Acapulco. The captain is not happy when she’s discovered hiding in a laundry hamper but everyone else is charmed by just how loud and talkative she is. Because there’s no available rooms, April is housed with Doc Bricker until she can be dropped off at the next port. Of course, Doc falls in love because Doc fell in love with everyone who came into his exam room. Seriously, Doc was an HR nightmare waiting to happen.

Of course, April is not the only exhausting person to be on the ship. There’s also Cyril Wolfe (Milton Berle), a nonstop practical joker whose wife (Audra Lindley) is getting sick of dealing with him and really, who can blame her? Cyril greets a total stranger with a joy buzzer. He carries around a fake, detachable hand so that he can freak people out. Cyril can’t even give it a rest during their vacation! Pretty soon, not only his wife but the crew are pretty sick of him. (Most of the people watching the show will be sick of him, too.) Do they conspire to toss Cyril overboard? They could probably get away with it, seeing as how all of the ship’s nominal authority figures are busy dealing with a stowaway who loves to sing. Somehow, Cyril survives his trip and he and his wife end up more in love than ever.

Finally, Maureen Mitchell (Brenda Benet) is a former tennis player who is now in a wheelchair. All she wants is a few days of vacation before she meets with a surgeon who might be able to help her walk again. Unfortunately, she discovers that an arrogant sportswriter named John (Bill Bixby) is also on the cruise! At first, she wants nothing to do with him but when John injures his knee and has to use a wheelchair for the rest of the cruise, the two of them fall in love….

Hold on. You know what just occurred to me? Last week’s episode featured Robert Reed and Loretta Swit as two people who don’t like each other but just happen to end up on the same cruise. This episode featured Brenda Benet and Bill Bixby as two people who don’t like each other but just happen to end up on the same cruise …. how long did The Love Boat writers last before they said, “Okay, we’re out of stories. Let’s start repeating ourselves?”

Anyway, this episode was a mixed bag. Charo and Milton Berle were not particularly subtle performers and their storylines felt as if they were designed to invite them to indulge in their worst impulses as performers. But Bill Bixby and Brenda Benet had a lot of chemistry as John and Maureen and their story actually worked as a result. (Bixby and Benet were married at the time they appeared in this episode.) Plus, the ship looked lovely. So did the ocean. That’s what really matters.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.3 “Ex Plus Y / Golden Agers / Graham and Kelly”

Posted on September 21, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Love! Was it exciting and new this week?

Episode 1.3 “Ex Plus Y / Golden Agers / Graham and Kelly”

(Directed by Adam Rafkin and Stuart Margolin, originally aired on October 8th, 1977)

The third episode of The Love Boat is all about age differences, growing together, and growing apart.

For instance, it’s love at first sight when Julie spots Jim Wright (Charles Frank). I mean, hey, his name is even “Mr. Wright!” And it turns out that, even though he looks like he’s 40, Mr. Wright is actually only 30! And he likes Julie too! The problem, however, is that Jim has been hired to serve as a tour guide for a group of elderly tourists. And those tourists (led by Edward Andrews) simply will not leave Mr. Wright alone! Every time Mr. Wright tries to spend some time alone with Julie, the old people show up. Obviously, the show means for us to sympathize with Julie and Jim but I think I’m actually on the side of the old people as far as this is concerned. I mean, they didn’t pay money so that Jim could have a vacation. They paid Jim to be their tour guide and, unless he’s going to refund their money, that’s what he needs to concentrate on. He and Julie can fall in love once Jim is off the clock.

While Julie pursues Jim, 12 year-olds Kelly (Kristy McNichol) and Graham (a very young Scott Baio) pursue their own romance. Or actually, it’s Kelly who pursues the romance. Graham likes Kelly but he’s also immature and not sure how to talk to girls so he always ends up doing or saying something silly or stupid whenever he and Kelly are on the verge of having a “real” moment. On the one hand, this was actually a fairly realistic storyline, at least by Love Boat standards. On the other hand, Baio and McNichol looked so much alike that any scene featuring the two of them was like that picture of the two Spider-Men pointing at each other. Graham also ended up with a very convoluted backstory to explain why he was traveling with a British grandmother (played by Hermoine Baddeley) despite being a kid from Brooklyn. It was one of those overly complicated and distracting things that could have been solved by simply not casting a British stage actress as Baio’s grandmother or not casting a very American actor as Baddeley’s grandson.

Finally, Robert Reed and Loretta Swit played a divorced couple who found themselves on the same cruise. At first, they dreaded seeing each other but then, eventually, they agreed that they still had feelings for each other. Surprisingly enough, the story did not end with Reed and Swit getting back together. Instead, they just grew as people and were now ready to let go of the bitterness that was holding them back in their new relationships. That was actually a pretty good story and I appreciated the realistic resolution. However, before making peace with his ex-wife, Robert Reed came across as being so angry and so bitter that it was actually kind of scary to watch. It turns out that the Love Boat has skeet shooting. If you don’t think the sight of Robert “Mr. Brady” Reed with a rifle wouldn’t be terrifying, this episode is here to prove you wrong!

I have to give this episode a mixed review. Two of the stories worked better than I was expecting but this episode suffered from the miscasting of some of the passengers. Still, the ship and the ocean looked as lovely as ever and really, that’s the important thing.