Category Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 2.2 “Jason’s Song”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

I know that’s the first season cast but I don’t care.

This week …. ugh.

Episode 2.2 “Jason’s Song”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 16th, 1999)

Lisa is just the worst!

No, silly, not me!  I’m the best.  I’m talking about Lisa, the newest character on this show.  Lisa is the medical student who was hired to work as a waitress at the restaurant.  This week’s episode finds her desperately looking for an apartment and moving in with …. Traycee!  The problem is that Lisa can’t stand Traycee because Traycee loves the color pink and is a careless driver.  What’s wrong with that?  I love the color pink and …. well, I am a good driver.  But still, Lisa throws such a fit over moving in with Traycee and Marquita Terry (who plays Lisa) gives such a cartoonishly over-the-top performance in the role that you can kind of end up feeling that Lisa is …. well, she’s the worst.

Things are resolved when Lisa throws one of Traycee’s possessions of the balcony in frustration.  I hate to say it but, even though it’s only been a few hours since I watched the episode, I cannot remember what exactly Lisa threw.  Was it a CD?  Let’s say it was a CD because I refuse to rewatch this episode because, as I will discuss in the next paragraph, this episode deeply offended me.  The important thing is that, when the cop shows up at the apartment looking for who threw the whatever at him, Traycee takes the blame and …. GOES TO JAIL!  (Editor’s Note: I checked and it was a CD. — Erin)

See, that’s why I’m not going to rewatch this episode.  Getting arrested and going to jail is a big deal.  Lisa allowed Traycee to potentially get a criminal record.  If the show wants me to sympathize with Lisa then Lisa should have gone to the police and told the truth and dealt with the consequences.  Lisa was the one dumb enough to throw whatever it was that she threw.  This is on Lisa and I don’t care how frustrated she was, she’s the one was an idiot.  Instead, Lisa stays at the apartment and paints one door pink and puts up some fake hearts.  When Traycee returns …. FROM JAIL! …. she is overjoyed.  Lisa and Traycee are friends.  Yay?  No, no yay.  TRAYCEE WENT TO JAIL FOR YOU!  Traycee probably got charged with a misdemeanor and had to pay a fine.  Someone probably had to bail her out.  Throwing something off of a balcony and hitting a cop is not a little thing.  Someone with that little self-control should not be a doctor.  Lisa spends almost this entire episode shaking with rage.  Was no one directing this episode?  Was no one asking for a second take?  What the Hell was going on?

While this was going on, Jason pursued his musical career and fell under the influence of Jesse Mercer (Rex Smith), who was once in a band with Jason and Scott’s father.  (The Disco Dudes, I think they were called.)  Jesse proves to be a bad influence.  Recently promoted to night manager and having been given a laptop by his father, Jason sells the laptop for a new guitar.  What a prick.  Jesse agrees to play a fundraiser for the lifeguards but bails at the last minute.  Don’t worry.  Jason has a guitar and he’s learned an important lesson.

This storyline actually featured a pretty good performance from Rex Smith but it was hard not to notice that it was basically just the Fabolous Belding Boys with Edward Blatchford (now cast not as the cool Belding brother but instead as Jason and Scott’s dorky father) playing the role that Dennis Haskins originally played.  If that sentence doesn’t make sense to you, you’ve never watched Saved By The Bell and you’re lucky.

Ugh, this show.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 3.9 “The Young and the Headless”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Monsters loses its head of another series.

Episode 3.9 “The Young and the Headless”

(Dir by Tom Abrams, originally aired on November 25th, 1990)

As you can tell from the title, this episode of Monsters is meant to be a parody of soap operas.  Two scientists, Victoria (Karen Valentine) and Edward (George Reinhardt), have been have been married ever since Victoria’s lunkhead ex-boyfriend, Hunk (John Schiappa), disappeared while on a soldier of fortune mission.  However, when Hunk suddenly returns, Victoria and George are left with a dilemma, especially after Edward tricks Hunk into killing himself and then removes his head.

Victoria and George decide to reanimate the headless Hunk, bringing him back to life with microchips.  (Sure, why not?)  They treat the headless Hunk as a servant but it turns out that Hunk doesn’t need a brain to get his revenge.

The plot was nonsense but the episode did have good performances and a memorable monster in headless Hunk.  I think the main problem is that the episode tried very hard to parody the soap opera genre but, since most soap operas are already self-parodies that cheerfully embrace the melodrama and make no attempt to pretend to be realistic, a lot of the humor fell flat.  It’s hard to make fun of a genre that is, for the most part, defined by its self-awareness.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.17 “The Return of the Captain’s Lady/Love Ain’t Illegal/The Irresistible Man”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for another trip on The Love Boat!  We’re a little late setting sail today but it happens.  Let’s see what’s happening on this cruise….

Episode 5.17 “The Return of the Captain’s Lady/Love Ain’t Illegal/The Irresistible Man”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on February 6th, 1982)

This week’s cruise is all about people being stupid.

For instance, George Boggs (Dick Martin) wants to embezzle some money from his company but he can’t run the risk of his business partner, Irwin (Robert Mandan), finding out.  So, George tells his secretary, Marge (Phyllis Davis), to keep Irwin distracted while George steals the money.  However, Marge really does fall for Irwin.  This was a very predictable storyline and it suffered from Dick Martin continually mugging for the camera and acting so obviously guilty that there was no way that the entire world wouldn’t have noticed what he was doing.  Still, if you’re a fan of sitcoms from the 70s and 80s, it’s always interesting to see Robert Mandan playing a sympathetic character for a change.

Things get even dumber when Doug Bridges (Linwood Boomer) decides that the best way to get Pam (Lydia Cornell) to notice him would be to fake being pulled into a broom closet and kissed by an amorous woman who then, in Doug’s telling of the story, runs off and disappears.  Soon, the entire ship is looking for Doug’s mystery woman.  Why this would get Pam to like Doug, I’m not sure.  Pam’s best friend (Pat Klous) does like Doug so she pretends to be the mystery woman.  Of course, Doug can’t reveal that she’s lying because that would mean revealing that he was lying and …. as I said, this story was dumb.  Dumb, dumb, dumb!

Finally, Captain Stubing’s ex-fiancé, Linda (Pat Crowley) boards the ship and the Captain is super excited!  He starts to rekindle their relationship and soon, he’s even thinking of proposing.  Yay!  Vicki’s finally going to have a stepmom …. oh wait.  Hold on.  It turns out that Linda’s married and she just boarded the boat and allowed herself to be romanced by the Captain without telling him any of this because …. reasons, I guess?  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  Linda is not happy with her marriage and is in the process of getting a divorce but she doesn’t tell any of that to the Captain.  Merrill thinks that Linda is single and ready to get married.  Nope, Linda was just looking for a fling and is not ready to get married again.  Poor Merrill!  At least he has the crew looking out for him….

Ugh.  This episode.  Listen, I am more than willing to suspend my disbelief when it comes to this show.  Usually, I absolutely love The Love Boat.  But usually there’s at least one sort of funny or sweet story to go along with the ones that are less memorable.  None of the stories worked on this cruise and that’s a shame.  That said, I’ll be back next week.  The Love Boat promises something for everyone, afterall.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.6 “Takedown”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Who cares?  Roll the opening credits.

Episode 1.6 “Takedown”

(Dir by Terrence O’Hara, originally aired on April 6th, 1996)

Three dangerous criminals are holding up stores in …. oh Hell.  Where does this show take place?  I know it’s in California but what’s the name of the town?  Malibu?  Is that it?  Hold on, let me check with Wikipedia….

SANTA MONICA!  That’s where this show takes place.

See, that’s the type of show that Pacific Blue is.  I am now six episodes into this show and I’m still can’t tell you where it specifically takes place.  It’s not that they haven’t mentioned that the show is set in Santa Monica.  And considering that I even attended Saint Monica School for a semester, you would think that I would be able to remember it.  But Pacific Blue is such a generic show that it’s difficult to really remember a thing about it.  It fades from your memory within seconds of being watched.  About the only thing that really sticks with the viewer about this show is how stupid everyone looks on their bicycles with their tight white shirts and their blue shorts.  The fact that Rick Rossovich plays their leader with a perpetual air of grim determination only serves to make them seem even more ridiculous.  Cops are supposed to look intimidating.  That’s one reason why a lot of people don’t like them.  These cops just look like the type of douchebags you dread getting stuck behind in traffic.

As for this episode, three dangerous criminals are holding up stores in Santa Monica.  Somehow, they always manage to escape right before the cops show up.  Maybe that’s because the cops are all on bicycles and they have to steer across crowded sidewalks without even having the benefit of a siren to tell people to get out of the way.  What’s odd is that no one ever seems to notice the criminals until they pull out their guns.  These are three extremely scruffy criminals, all of whom are clad in clothes that don’t appear to have been washed in days.  Are you seriously telling me no one would notice that on the beach in San Diego or wherever this freaking show takes place?

If I was a store owner who got robbed at gunsight and who then called the police, nothing would piss me off more than having the bicycle cops respond.  Seriously, you need a car to chase criminals!  All the criminals have to do is wait for the bike cops to pull a muscle or ride over a stick in the middle of the road and then they’ll be home free.  If I get robbed, give me the real cops!

TC gets upset when one of the criminals points a gun at him.  Lt. Palermo encourages him to stop being stoic and get in touch with his feelings and …. oh, who cares?  Freaking bicycle cops.  While that’s going on, Chris takes a creative writing class and dates her professor (Zach Galligan).  From what we hear of Chris’s literary efforts, she has no talent whatsoever.  She was such a bad writer that I literally got angry while she reading her story.  I wanted the professor to throw something at her.  Also, Victor del Toro falls in love with a model (Krista Allen) and even gets a date with her, despite his dumbass bicycle.

Where does this show take place again?  Malibu?

Anyway, this was just another episode about the most useless cops ever.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.5 “Everybody Goes to Gilley’s/Face of Fire”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Fantasy Island goes country.

Episode 6.5 “Everybody Goes to Gilley’s/Face of Fire”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on November 20th, 1982)

Mickey Gilley is a country-western singer who comes to Fantasy Island because he wants to finally become a star after years of struggling.  Tattoo, who is a huge country music fan, puts on a cowboy hat and decides that he’ll be Gilley’s “exclusive manager.”  Not so fast, Mr. Roarke says.  Apparently, there’s a country-western bar on the other side of the Island and the owner, Mr. Sherwood (Dennis Cole), has a fantasy of finally having a successful bar.  Roarke arranges for Gilley and Sherwood to become partners.  Gilley is a star whenever he performs in Sherwood’s bar.  In the end, Sherwood and Gilley leave the Island together with Sherwood as Gilley’s new manager.

I’m not a huge country music fan so I have to admit that, until I watched this episode, I had no idea who Mickey Gilley was. (In fact, in my first draft of this review, I repeatedly called him “Dennis Gilley,” so that tells you how much I know about county-western singers.)  Gilley actually was a country music star, one who did spend several years toiling away in small clubs before he finally found success.  This role was autobiographical for him.  It’s a bit odd that he plays himself but maybe he was a big deal in 1982.  As I said, country music is not my area of expertise and 1982 is a bit before my time.  What I can say is that, on the show, Gilley was portrayed in a way that kind of made him seem like a jerk.  I mean, the nonstop complaining and all the demands!  “I’m not here for romance,” he tells Roarke at one point.  Don’t tell Mr. Roarke how to do his job, Gilley!

The other storyline was a take on Jane Eyre.  Jean Harrigan (Lynn Redgrave) is from Nevada, despite being totally English.  She needs a million dollars.  A mysterious rich guy (David Hedison) offers it to her if she can survive a weekend at his home.  His crazy wife is locked away in a bedroom.  She ends up catching on fire towards the end of the episode, freeing things up for Jean and the rich guy.  What’s interesting is that the rich guy says that he originally met Jean when his car broke down in the Nevada desert and Jean gave him a ride.  What’s interesting about this is that, when the legendary Howard Hughes died, a man named Melvin Dummar claimed that he had once given Hughes a ride after coming across him stranded in the Nevada desert and, in return, Hughes left him a good deal of his fortune.  Dummar even produced a will in support of his claim.  The courts ruled the will to have been a forgery and Dummar never received his money, though there still are people out there who defend “the Dummar will” and claims that he was telling the truth about meeting Hughes.  Fortunately, Jean does get her money and a chance to spend some time with the totally charming and handsome David Hedison.

(Hedison was also the best Felix Leiter, appearing in Live and Let Die and License to Kill.)

Perhaps not surprisingly, I preferred the gothic story to the country music story.  I appreciated that Tattoo got to do something this episode.  The scene where he declares himself to be Gilley’s manager felt like a throwback to the show’s earlier seasons.  This journey to the Island was a mixed bag for me, though overall it was a pleasant trip.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.8 “Hot Wheels”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Last night’s review of CHiPs was pre-empted by a sudden storm.  Here it is now, in its entirety,

Episode 3.8 “Hot Wheels”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on November 3rd, 1979)

Ponch is still in the hospital, recovering from last week’s accident.  Still, because he’s Ponch, he’s the one who figures out that a bunch of disgruntled fireman are using city trucks to commit their jewelry thefts.  Hey, wait a minute.  Last week’s episode was also about jewelry thefts.  Admittedly, CHiPs was a show that tended to recycle plots but, even by CHiPs standards, this is one of those coincidences that leaves you wondering what exactly was going on in the writer’s room.

Actually, it’s easy to guess.  Erik Estrada really was injured while filming an episode.  The cast that he wears throughout this episode was real and, as easy as it can be to make fun of his overexpressive acting and his tendency to lose his shirt every other scene, you do have to respect that Estrada showed to film this episode at all.  With Estrada injured, one gets the feeling that this episode, just like last week’s, was quickly rewritten to cover the situation.

Baker gets a temporary partner in this episode.  It’s the return of his former motorcycle mate, John Clayton!  Clayton was apparently Baker’s partner before Ponch.  Clayton has a reputation for being a practical joker,  It’s all anyone can talk about.  Clayton is a legendary prankster!  They really want us to know that Clayton’s a fun guy before he shows up and we discover that he’s played by Andrew Robinson, the actor who is best-known for playing the Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry.  Robinson wears a mustache as Clayton, probably in an attempt to keep 1979 audiences from looking at the screen and going, “Hey, I remember that guy hijacking a school bus!”

(I should mention that Andrew Robinson himself was a committed pacifist when he filmed Dirty Harry, to the extent that he actually flinched whenever he had to shoot the killer’s gun and he actually traumatized himself while filming the school bus hijack.  He actually sounds like a pretty nice guy who just happened to play one of the most loathsome screen villains of all time.)

Baker works with Clayton and it must be said that Larry Wilcox does seem to be noticeably happier when he’s acting opposite Robinson than he ever did when he was acting opposite Estrada.  The episode features Clayton performing a heroic and dangerous rescue at one point and it’s easy to see that that scene was originally conceived with Estrada in mind.  It’s also easy to imagine Estrada flashing his big grin at the end of the scene while Robinson, on the other hand, plays up the fact that anyone, even a dedicated cop, would be absolutely exhausted after all that.

Robinson does a good job as Clayton and it’s always fun to see Martin Kove play a villain on show like this.  This was a good episode.  Estrada, I assume, will be back on his bike next week.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.17 “The Afternoon Plane”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Tubbs has an adventure!

Episode 3.17 “The Afternoon Plane”

(Dir by David Jackson, originally aired on February 20th, 1987)

While attending a New Age-y wedding with his latest girlfriend Alicia (Maria McDonald), Tubbs wins a vacation to a tropical island!

It’s about time something …. well, I was going to say something good but honestly, I guess we should just be happy that anything is happening to Tubbs at all.  When this show started, Tubbs was the audience surrogate.  He was the one who came down to Miami and learned about the drug scene.  We saw Miami through his eyes.  But, by the time the third season rolled around, it was pretty clear that Miami Vice hard largely become the Crockett show.  Don Johnson was the star and Philip Michael Thomas often seemed like a supporting character.  Tubbs may have been cooler than Switek but, often times, both of them took a backseat to Crockett.  This week, however, Tubbs finally get his own episode.  Crockett shows up for a few minutes at the start of the episode and that’s it.  This is the Tubbs show!

Of course, it turns out that the vacation does not go the way that Tubbs was expecting.  He runs into a drug dealer named Leon Wolf (Vincent D’Onofrio, making his television acting debut), someone who Tubbs previously put in jail.  Tubbs soon discovers that his old enemies, the Calderone family, are on the Island and they’re looking forward to getting their revenge on Tubbs.  Tubbs, of course, has no legal jurisdiction on the island and the local police certainly aren’t going to help him out.  In fact, many people on the island resent Tubbs because they blame America’s war on drugs for their poverty.  Drug smuggling is big business and it provides an income to a lot of people who would starve otherwise.

Orlando Calderone (John Leguizamo) is coming on the next afternoon plane and no one is willing to defy Orlando by helping Tubbs get off the island.  The episode becomes a Caribbean High Noon, with the clock ticking down and no one willing to stand up and help the endangered law man.  There are some on the island who want to fight back and drive away the Calderones.  But no one is willing to take the chance.

It would have been a lot more compelling if Orlando had been played by someone other than John Leguizamo, who is just as cartoonishly unconvincing here as he was the first time that he appeared on the show.  I know that Miami Vice was early in Leguizamo’s career but his performance here is so unconvincing that it really does make the Calderones just seem like a bunch of low-level punks instead of a feared criminal syndicate.  The final gun battle between Tubbs and the Calderones is handled well-enough but it’s never quite as compelling as it would be if Orlando Calderone was actually an intimidating villain.  In typical Miami Vice fashion, Alicia is seriously wounded in the battle.  It pays not to get involved with either Tubbs or Crockett.

This episode was a slight change of pace.  Apparently, everyone but Philip Michael Thomas got to take some time off during filming and, as a result, Thomas gets to show his own unique style as Rico Tubbs.  Still, this episode was never as compelling as it needed to be.  Hopefully, we are now done with the Calderones.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.1 and 3.2 “The Prophecies”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, we start season 3!

Episode 3.1 and 3.2 “The Prophecies”

(Dir by Tom McLoughlin, originally aired on October 7th, 1989)

The third season starts with a 90-minute episode, one that was split into two parts when the show was later re-aired.  It’s a rather strange episode, one that takes the Curious Goods crew far from Canada and one that also see Ryan transformed into a…. well, we’ll get to that.

When the episode starts, Ryan is in a state of shock because he recently ran into his mother (Jill Frappier) while visiting the grave of his brother.  His mother walked out on Ryan and his father after the death of Ryan’s brother and the reunion between the two leaves Ryan feeling conflicted.  As he blames himself for both the death of his brother and his father, he can’t help but wonder what he would do if he had the opportunity to do everything over again.

Meanwhile, Micki is running the antique store with none other than Johnny Ventura.  Last season, Micki disliked Johnny and she had ever right to as Johnny tended to be a little bit stalker-ish in his behavior towards her.  But, with the start of this season, it appears that all has been forgiven.

As for Jack, he’s in a small town in France.  He received a letter from Sister Adele (Marie-France Lambert) telling him about some apocalyptic visions that she’s been having.  Those visions are largely the result of fallen angel Asteroth (Fritz Weaver), who is determined to bring the AntiChrist into the world by following the step laid out in the Books of Lucifer.  He has to kill a nun and he’s decided that Adele is that nun.  However, Asteroth cannot get to her.

But then Jack gets shoved down a flight of stairs and ends up in the hospital.  Ryan, Micki, and Johnny fly over to France.  Ryan is promptly possessed by the Devil and he murders Sister Adele!  But now, for some reason, Asteroth also needs to murder a young girl who seems to know Ryan and whose presence in the episode is never really explained.  In order to free Ryan from being possessed, it’s necessary to transform him back into a small child.  Eventually, God gets tired of all this and Asteroth bursts into flame.

The ending is a bit ambiguous about what this all means but I do know that this was John D. LeMay’s last episode and that Johnny Ventura will become a series regular as well.  (Steven Monarque, who played Johnny, is still listed as a guest star in this episode.)  So, I guess Ryan, who no longer has any memory of Micki or any of his Curious Goods adventures, is going to go live with his mother and grow up again and I’d love to know how Jack and Micki are going to explain that to his mom.

This was a weird way to write Ryan out of the show.  (If anything, Ryan sacrificing himself to save Micki and/or Jack would have made much more sense and been just as powerful an ending.)  But, with all that mind, this was still a good episode.  While the episode did not film in France, it does feature some location work in Quebec and those scenes are full of ominous atmosphere.  Fritz Weaver was an appropriately creepy Asteroth.  Speaking of being creepy, John D. LeMay did a great job playing possessed Ryan.  This episode was not always easy to follow but it was scary and atmospheric and it worked surprisingly well.

Bye, Ryan!  I’ll miss you.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.12 “Oh Lucky Man!”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

It’s time to work at another youth center!

Episode 3.12 “Oh Lucky Man!”

(Dir by Dan Gordon, originally aired on December 10th, 1986)

Jonathan and Mark are working at a youth center …. again!

Don’t get me wrong.  There’s nothing wrong with Jonathan and Mark working at a youth center.  From what I’ve seen of this show, Michael Landon seemed to have a natural rapport with kids and Victor French’s grouchiness was always put to good use whenever he had to deal with someone younger.  It’s just hard not to notice that Jonathan and Mark seemed to go to several youth centers each episode and they almost always dealt with exact same issue.  Some kid is angry or insecure.  He may not have a father in his life.  Jonathan helps the kid admit his anger and learn to trust whoever wanted to adopt him.  Usually, this seemed to involve helping the kid find the courage to play a sport or something similar.

In this episode, the youth center is run by an ex-con named Jake (Thalmus Rasulal).  Mark was the one who arrested Jake and sent him to prison but Jake so impressed Mark with how he turned his life around that Mark ended up testifying in favor of giving Jake parole.  Jake opened up a youth center to “keep the kids out of the gangs.”  And again, there’s nothing wrong with that.  I admire anyone who comes out of prison and attempts to do something good for their community.  One of the truly shameful things about our justice system is that it’s been forgotten that prison is meant to rehabilitate.  We focus so much on punishment that we end up forgetting that we’re supposed to be a nation built on second chances.  Jake has made something out of himself and now, he’s giving back.

(And yes, that is your When Did Lisa Marie Become A Bleeding Heart? moment of the week,)

The problem is that his youth center desperately needs money.  It looks like everything is going to be alright when Mark wins $5,000,000 while taking the kids out for lunch.  Mark plans to give the money to the youth center.  He also plans to be there for a troubled kid named Brady (Ian Michael Giatti).  But when Mark is approached by Nina Van Slyke (Shannon Tweed), those plans change.  Nina claims to be the head of a charity and she convinces Mark that her charity could do a lot more good with the money than the youth center.  Mark finds himself falling in love with Nina and he even tells Jonathan that they’re partnership might be over.  However, Nina is actually a con artist who just wants to take Mark’s money for herself.

Will Mark see the error of his ways?  Of course!  And he’ll apologize to Brady for missing Brady’s big game and he’ll keep the youth center open by giving the money to Jake.  This is Highway to Heaven.  There’s not a cynical note to be found in this show.

That said, this episode was a bit uneven with the soap opera-like scenes of Nina and her partner (Roy Thinnes) plotting to cheat Mark never gelling with the more earnest scenes of Jonathan helping out at the youth center.  As always, this episode was well-intentioned and about as sincere as you can get.  The strength of this show is that it’s so sincere.  But Shannon Tweed felt like she was acting in a totally different show from Highway to Heaven.  As a result, this episode never quite came together as a cohesive unit.

Oh well.  At least Brady’s going to get a family!

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 2.1 “Race Your Dream”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

It’s the second season but I’m too lazy to change the graphic. Sorry, not sorry.

Today we begin season 2 of the bane of my existence.

Episode 2.1 “Race Your Dream”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 9th, 1999)

The second season of Malibu CA starts with a few changes.

It’s firmly established that Scott and Jason are no longer in high school so I guess they graduated and, instead of going to college, they’re still working as busboys at their Dad’s restaurant.  I don’t know what type of message that sends but it’s probably not a good one.  (Also, I guess the show decided to forget about Scott having a job as a sportscaster.)

Murray is now working at the restaurant as well.

Priscilla Inga Taylor has officially joined the cast.  Gina May is no longer on the show.  Sam actually went to college after graduating.

Stads is still on the show and somehow, she’s even bitchier than usual in this episode.  And when I say “bitchy,’ I don’t mean that she’s an empowering diva who won’t let anyone stand in her way.  I mean that she’s whiny and in a bad mood for now particular reason.

Lisa Jones (Marquita Terry) is a medical student who gets a job as a waitress at the restaurant.  You’d think I would relate to her since we share the same name but nope.  During her job interview, she specifically points out that no one else at the restaurant is doing a good job.  It’s true but still kind of rude.  Admittedly, I’ve never had to actually interview for a job but it seems like criticizing the place where you want to work would be a mistake.  That’s especially true if you’re interviewing for a job that literally thousands of other people could do.

Scott has a crush on Lisa.  Lisa thinks Scott is a slacker.  Jason lies and says that Scott is in training for the U.S. Olympic try-outs.  WHAT!?  That’s what he came up with!  Maybe he could point out that Scott had a job as a sportscaster.  Or maybe he could reveal that Scott is the assistant manager of the restaurant.  Instead, he said that Scott is trying out for the OLYMPIC SWIM TEAM!  SERIOUSLY, LET THAT SINK IN!

Of course, Saved By The Bell: The New Class had an entire season where everyone on the show was a member of the swim team so maybe Peter Engel just had a thing for swimming.

Lisa is friends with someone who actually is a competitive swimmer.  She introduced him to Scott.  Scott gets challenged to a race.  Scott agrees.  He loses but only barely because …. WHAT!?  SCOTT IS SWIMMING AGAINST AN OLYMPIC ATHLETE!  What the Hell was wrong with our Olympic team in the 90s that a member of it could nearly get beaten by some Malibu beach bum?  WHAT THE HELL!?

THE SHOW IS STUPID!  STUPID!  STUPID!  STUPID MINDS!

Anyway, Lisa is impressed that Scott tried.  And Scott is told that there’s an outside chance that he actually could make the Olympics if he starts training….

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS SO STUPID!  Not even One World was this stupid!  Not even Hang Time had the audacity to suggest its characters were going to magically make the Olympic team.  (It is true that Scott is revealed to have been a good swimmer in high school.  I’m a good dancer.  It still doesn’t mean I’m joining The Paris Opera Ballet anytime soon.)

So, basically, season two is going to be the same as season one.