Hi, everyone! I’ve been doing weekly reviews of The Love Boat for a while. I really enjoying the series but I’m going to have to hold off on posting my next review until next week. That’s because the next episode is a two-hour musical spectacular and, as I’m busy getting things set up for our big St. Patrick’s Day/Kurt Russell’s birthday celebration on the 17th, I’m not going to have time to watch the whole thing until next week.
So, The Love Boat is preempted this week but it will return next week! We’ll set sail then!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
Eh, who cares?
Episode 1.9 “Moving Target”
(Dir by Mickey Dolenz. originally aired on April 27th, 1996)
When TC’s former lover, ex-model Rebecca Reynard (Jacqueline Collen), is nearly shot by a mysterious gunman, TC takes it upon himself to serve as her bodyguard. Chris rolls her eyes because that’s how Chris reacts to every situation. We’re nine episodes in and Chris still doesn’t really have a personality beyond being perpetually annoyed. To the surprise of no one, Rebecca turns out to be hiding some deadly secrets of her own and TC comes to realize that his former and current lover is actually a stone cold sociopath. This is one of those traumatic developments that will probably never be mentioned again.
(I thought TC had a girlfriend. She was present in the pilot but has never been heard from since.)
Meanwhile, former boxer Victor returns to the ring to help Palermo win a bet against a smarmy lifeguard. The boxing storyline — which features Victor facing off against the one opponent who beat him during his previous pugilist career — was actually interesting. Too bad the show ended without actually revealing who won the big fight. I think we were supposed to be satisfied with the fact that Victor found the confidence necessary to step back into the ring. No, Pacific Blue. You haven’t earned the right to end on a note of ambiguity. Not yet.
This episode was directed by former Monkee Mickey Dolenz. Unfortunately, not even a Monkee can make cops on bikes look cool.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, we’re reminded that Fantasy Island is apparently the country music capitol of the world.
Episode 6.8 “The Kleptomaniac/Thank God I’m A Country Girl”
(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 11th, 1982)
Fred Simpson (Sherman Hemsley) is a kleptomaniac. Whenever he sees anything shiny, he hears a bong in his head, explosions occur behind his eyes, and he has to steal it. He always returns what he steals and pays back his friends but it’s still ruining his life. No one trusts him. He comes to Fantasy Island looking to be cured. Mr. Roarke assigns Tattoo to keep an eye on Fred on the Island. Unfortunately, Fred is still driven to steal an expensive necklace from courier Emily Carlisle (Roxie Roker). Fred and Tattoo end up in jail! Poor Tattoo!
(Seriously, what did Roarke think would happen when he gave that assignment to Tattoo?)
Now, to be honest, I’m not sure that Fred actually got his fantasy. He and Emily do fall in love and he leaves the Island with her but I’m not sure his kleptomania was cured. Maybe Emily will provide whatever was missing from his life that caused him to steal. This episode is somewhat progressive in that acknowledges that kleptomania is an uncontrollable impulse, one that is usually linked to trauma. (After my parents got divorced, I went through a phase of regularly skipping school so I could shoplift makeup from Target. It was probably a cry for help on my part, though it just seemed like an adrenaline rush at the time.) Still, what happens if Fred and Emily break up? Fred’s got a serious problem and I hate to think that he spent all that money to come to Fantasy Island just so he could go home and get tossed in prison.
Meanwhile, Loretta Wentworth (Loretta Lynn) works at the local Fantasy Island diner. Lorraine Wentworth (Heather Locklear), the daughter that Loretta gave up for adoption years ago, is coming to the Island to meet her mother for the first time. Loretta’s fantasy is to be rich for the weekend. Roarke gives her a nice house and a bunch of servants. Lorraine is impressed until her jerk of a fiancé (Ted McGinley) tries to put the moves on Loretta. In the end, things work out, of course. Lorraine and Loretta grow close. Loretta and her friends board a bus and say they’re going to Nashville so that Loretta can pursue her country music career. How is anyone going to drive from Fantasy Island to Nashville? There’s a big old ocean in the way.
This episode really didn’t do much for me, despite the presence of Heather Locklear and Ted McGinley. It was nice to see Tattoo get involved in someone’s fantasy and Roarke got to give a speech about the true meaning of love but neither fantasy really worked for me. Loretta Lynn was a great singer but a very stiff actress. This trip to the Island was not as memorable as it could have been.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
Baker and Ponch — but mostly Ponch — get a chance to shine this episode.
Episode 3.12 “Destruction Derby”
(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)
Ponch and Baker are working undercover!
That’s …. odd. Aren’t they just members of the Highway Patrol? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know that being a member of the Highway Patrol isn’t easy and I don’t mean to imply that they’re not doing an important job. But it just seems like undercover work would be something that you would give to a detective. It seems like you would need some sort of special training to do that. For a show that, in the past, has pretty much taken a day-in-the-life approach to its stories, a sudden undercover episode just feels weird.
Ponch and Baker are working at the local demolition derby, trying to uncover a drug ring that…. I don’t know. I guess people who sell drugs enjoy demolition derbys. To be honest, I get the feeling that someone in production said, “Let’s shoot a bunch of demolition derby footage and then we’ll just make up something stupid to justify it.” When it comes to the derby, Baker is working as a member of the pit crew and, of course, Ponch is the one driving the car. And, of course, Ponch turns out to be a natural because there’s nothing that Ponch can’t master. Ponch also falls for the only driver who can beat him, the mysterious Billy Wakefield (Angel Tompkins). This episode is from the 70s so, of course, there’s a scene where she takes off her helmet, her long blonde hair falls across her back, and I guess everyone at home is supposed to go, “A woman race car driver!? What is this madness!?”
Baker is not totally wasted in this episode. He gets to save Ponch’s life when the bad guys attempt to booby trap Ponch’s car. He also gets to play tennis with Getraer and Grossman. This episode may feature Ponch and Baker going undercover but it seems like the real plot is just Baker and Ponch doing fun California things. This episode basically is a commercial for the state. Look! the episode says, Tennis! Handball! Demolition Derbies! Erik Estrada! We’ve got it all!
Erik Estrada can be seen wearing a wrist brace in this episode, which I assume is a lingering result of the accident that he’s spent the last few episodes recovering from. I make a lot of jokes about Estrada but, from watching the last few accidents, it is obvious that he was pretty seriously injured in that stunt-gone-wrong. That, while recovering, he appeared on camera at all seems worthy of respect. A major theme of this episode seems to be that Ponch is back and Baker, after having the lead role for a few episodes, in once again back to being a supporting player. Thank you for your service, Larry Wilcox.
Anyway, this episode featured a lot of fast cars and a lot of crashes so I liked it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
This week, Sonny falls for a madame.
Episode 3.20 “By Hooker by Crook”
(Dir by Don Johnson, originally aired on March 20th, 1987)
Here I am, halfway through the third season of Miami Vice and it still amuses the Heck out of me how shocked Crockett and Tubbs are whenever their cover gets blown.
As far as I can tell, neither Crockett nor Tubbs make much of an effort at maintaining their cover, beyond using the names Burnett and Cooper. (Tubbs occasionally uses a fake Jamaican accent.) They dress exactly the same as cops as they do when they’re criminals. They hang out, in public, with the other members of the Vice Squad. They occasionally respond to “all unit” calls, which means that anyone in the area at the time will recognize them as being cops. Add to that, Crockett is supposedly a minor Florida celebrity, a former football star who went to Vietnam. In short, these two have the worst covers ever but they’re still stunned when the criminals see through their “Burnett and Cooper” identities …. even though it happens in every episode!
This time, it’s George Takei, playing a viscous crime lord, who sees through their cover and orders his men to attack. It leads to a shoot-out, much of which is filmed in slow motion. It would be pretty exciting and dramatic, except for the fact that one of Takei’s henchmen is played Captain Lou Albano, the rubber band-wearing wrestler. It also doesn’t help that Takei is …. well, he’s Takei. He camps up his villain role to such an extent that it’s impossible to take him seriously as any sort of threat. Even though he orders his men to kill an escort played by Vanity, he still comes across as being flamboyant, eccentric old George.
This episode was directed by Don Johnson and, as often happens when a cast member first tries his hand at directing, it’s filled with shots that are supposed to make you go, “Hey, this guy’s got a vision!” The slow motion gunfight is an example of this. An extended scene that is filmed with a fish-eyed lens (the better to represent Izzy’s point of view as he looks through a peephole) is another example. A sex scene between Crockett and a madame who is played by Melanie Griffith is filmed in soft focus and lit in such a way that it looks like the entire set is about to burst into flame from the heat. Johnson the director seems to be saying, “Dang, Don Johnson’s hot!”
At the time of this episode, Melanie Griffith was divorced from Don Johnson and married to Steve Bauer. Later, she would divorce Bauer and remarry Johnson. Johnson and Griffith do have amazing chemistry in this episode so kudos to Johnson the Director for making a good casting choice. Johnson the actor owes him one.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1989 to 1991! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
This week, everyone faces a test.
Episode 4.13 “Testing, One, Two, Three”
(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on January 30th, 1990)
After being absent for the past few episodes, Joey and Caitlin are finally the center of this week’s story. Both of them are struggling. Joey, despite all of his efforts to study and pay attention in class, is still getting bad grades. The school counselor thinks that Joey has dysgraphia, a learning disability that makes it difficult for him to express his thoughts in an organized fashion. Caitlin, meanwhile, is going to have to appear in court as a result of getting arrested while vandalizing that nuclear plant.
A few thoughts:
Claude — or “Clode” as he wants to be called — once again shows himself to be the worst ever when he says he’s not sure if he can go to court with Caitlin. Claude is the one who convincing Caitlin to vandalize the plant in the first place and, when the cops showed up, he abandoned her. Big-time rebel Claude actually asks his parents for permission to skip school to go to Caitlin’s court date. They say no, just as Claude knew they would. What a putz!
“My parents aren’t liberal like yours!” Claude whines to Caitlin.
Maya actually puts off a doctor’s appointment so she can go to Caitlin’s medical appointment! Good for you, Maya …. except, doctor’s appointments can kind of be important, too.
Actually, now that I think about it, why should anyone be going to court with Caitlin? Caitlin made the decision to spray paint her stupid slogans on her own. Claude shouldn’t have abandoned her but Caitlin shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Caitlin acts as if Claude should take her punishment for her but actually, Claude being a coward doesn’t mean that Caitlin is somehow absolved. She knew she could get in trouble when she climbed over that fence.
This episode is a good example of why Caitlin drives a lot of people crazy. Caitlin has a problem and everyone else is expected to drop everything and spend all of their time worrying about it.
Joey, meanwhile, has a real problem to deal with. He feels stupid. He’s not dumb, not at all. But his grades remain stubbornly bad and he’s just been told that he has a scary-sounding “condition” and that he’s going to have to take a special class to learn how to function. And yes, there’s no shame in having a learning disability. I have ADHD so when Joey talked about struggling to organize his thoughts, I knew exactly what he was saying. But, when you’re the one hearing the words “learning disability,” it’s scary! My heart went out to Joey in this episode.
Evil bully Dwayne made an appearance, harassing Joey after he overhears Joey describing him as being a gorilla. Joey and Dwayne get into yet another fight. Joey gets detention. Dwayne gets suspended.
Caitlin is also in detention, as a result of slapping Claude. Caitlin and Joey are still not getting along but we know that’s going to change.
Finally, there was one other subplot. The students in a difficult biology class were excited to learn that Alex (John Ioannou) had an advanced copy of the big test. Alex’s older brother saved all of his old tests. Alex gives Tessa a copy of the test but makes her promise not to let anyone know. Tessa lets everyone know. Everyone in the class passes! They don’t get caught. But the teacher says its obvious that the test was too easy so he decides to toss out the results and give everyone a new test …. WHAT!? CAN HE DO THAT!? What the heck, Canada!?
Incidentally, I never would have passed Algebra II if my sister hadn’t saved all of her tests. Thank you, Erin Nicole!
And that’s it for the week. Remember — in yourself, you must believe!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC! It can be viewed on Peacock.
If you’re checking with the imdb and saying, “You’re reviewing these out of order!,” I’m reviewing them in the order that they were meant to air as opposed to the order by which NBC showed them.
Episode 3.5 “The Last of the Watermen”
(Dir by Richard Pearce, originally aired on December 9th, 1994)
We learn a bit more about the personal lives of Baltimore’s Homicide detectives with this episode.
For instance, we discover that Munch and Gee living in the same neighborhood. When Gee, whose washing machine has broken down, visits the local laundromat, he’s not necessarily overjoyed to see Munch sitting there. Munch talks and talks. Gee lights a cigar and tries to read his newspaper in peace. Munch keeps talking. Gee points out that it’s the weekend and he doesn’t like to talk to anyone on the weekend. Sunday is his day. Munch nods and then keeps talking. Gee stands up and moves to another part of the laundromat.
We also get to meet Kay Howard’s family. Disgusted by the latest murder scene that she and Beau have come across and the fact that an elderly woman was murdered and her tongue was subsequently cut out and then stuffed down her throat (yikes!), Kay decides that she’s due some vacation time. She leaves Baltimore and drives out to the local fishing village where she grew up. She spends time with her father and her brother and a guy who she once had a romantic relationship with. She visits her mother’s grave. It’s interesting to see Kay outside of Baltimore and to see how she interacts with family. It was so interesting that I was kind of annoyed that she still ended up working a murder. A local environmental activist is murdered. Kay worries that the murderer might have been her brother but it turns out to have been another fisherman. I mean, I get it. The show is called Homicide and Kay is a detective but still, I would have been just as happy if the show had just focused on her family and their rituals. This episode is 30 years old but the scenes of the blue collar fishermen talking about how they were being “regulated” out of their life’s work still rang true.
While Kay was visiting family, Felton got a temporary new partner and you’ve probably already guessed that it was Pembleton. This is not the first time that Pembleton has been assigned to work with Felton. The pilot featured that classic scene of Pembleton checking car-after-car while Felton complained about Pembleton always having to be right. Felton and Pembleton do make for an interesting team, if just because they do seem to sincerely dislike each other. (I also enjoyed Gee’s half-smile as Pembleton reacted to the news that he would be working with Felton.) In this case, Pembleton and Felton working together didn’t lead to any great fireworks, other than Felton reacting with shock at the idea of Pembleton preferring hockey to basketball. The killer of the elderly woman turned out to be her grandson who said he did it because she wouldn’t stop talking. That was sad, to be honest. Grandmothers are supposed to talk. Felton and Pembleton dragged the kid off to jail.
This was an okay episode. After the emotional powerhouse of Crosetti, it was good to get something that was a bit more lowkey. It was nice to be reminded that everyone has a family.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewingthe Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and Peacock!
I guess Howard’s a TV star now.
Episode 3.9 “Bannister & Dale”
(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on November 14th, 1987)
Mr. Dale (Paul Soles) is an old vaudevillian who now shops at Cobb’s. He doesn’t have enough money to pay his rent so Howard gives him a job working at the store. He doesn’t have enough money to keep his retirement home running so Howard gets Mr. Dale booked on a television show. Mr. Dale’s old partner died in 1952 so Howard agrees to step in and….
Wait. Howard’s a talent agent now?
Seriously, how does a grocery store manager have the connections necessary to get an obscure vaudevillian booked on a national talk show? I mean, I get that they’re all up in Canadas and it’s a simpler place but still, it just seems like a stretch. And really, how popular was vaudeville in the 80s? I always see all of these old TV shows, where the characters are doing a fundraiser or something and they recreate a vaudeville act or they put on clown makeup and sing Bring In The Clowns but it never feels very realistic.
Anyway, most of the show is made up of Howard and Mr. Dale recreating Mr. Dale’s old vaudeville routines and it’s all pretty dumb. But I will say that it was a lot easier for me buy Don Adams as an old man who remembered and loved vaudeville than as the swinging 40-something store manager that the show usually presents him as being. Still, it’s a bit strange to imagine a national talk show setting aside time for an act featuring an old vaudevillian and a grocery store manager. I guess that’s Canada for you.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show can be purchased on Prime.
Gabe and Julie are gone but life continues at Buchanan High.
Episode 4.19 “The Gang Show”
(Dir by Norman Abbott, originally aired on March 17th, 1979)
It’s time for the annual Buchanan High talent show and this year, Epstein and Washington are totally convinced that their lame mid-reading act is going to win. They’ve lost every year that they’ve entered and, considering that both Epstein and Washington appears to be pushing 40, that’s a lot of failure! Horshack and Beau talk about how their friends came in dead last during the previous show. How does Beau know? Beau’s the new kid. Beau was in Louisiana or wherever he’s supposed to be from when the last talent show was held.
Epstein and Washington think that they’ve got this contest in the bag. The judges are Horshack, Beau, and their classmate, Wilbur (Bob Harcum). Their dedicated teacher, Jean Tremaine (Della Reese), is a bit concerned that the judges won’t be mature enough to set aside their friendships and truly honor the best act. Maybe Mr. Kotter should talk to them….
Oh wait, Gabe isn’t in this episode.
Maybe Julie needs to cross her arms and tell the judges, “This is not funny….”
Oh wait, Julie’s not here either.
That’s right, this is another Welcome Back Kotter episode that doesn’t feature or even mention a single Kotter. Woodman is there, making odd comments and carrying two hardboiled eggs. (Woodman’s so cool.) But the Kotters are gone and, for some reason, everyone’s acting like Ms. Treamaine has always been their teacher.
As for the talent show, Epstein and Washington’s act sucks. Far more impressive is Carvelli (Charles Fleischer), who sings a blues song about peanut butter and jelly and show that there’s more to him than just being a bully. Remember when Carvelli and Wilbur first appeared on the show and they were members of a rival gang and the implication was that both Carvelli and Wilbur had killed multiple people? Now, suddenly, Carvelli is the king of the talent show and Wilbur is one of the judges. It’s amazing how things change. All they really had to do was get rid of Julie and suddenly, Carvelli is revealing himself to be a sensitive soul.
Horshack and Beau do the right thing. They vote for Carvelli. Wilbur votes for Washington and Epstein because he genuinely liked their dumb act. Apparently, there were no other acts. What a lame talent show! Tremiane is proud of Horshack and Beau for doing the right thing. She encourages Washington and Epstein to try again next year …. NEXT YEAR!? Epstein’s going gray and Washington has laugh lines. If they’re still in school next year, Buchanan needs to be shut down!
This was a weird episode. I used to make fun of Gabe’s corny jokes but they would have been useful in this episode. Seriously, this whole fourth season just feels wrong. Kotter without Kotter just doesn’t work.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!
This week, a hearing aide turns into a snake and heads explode all over wherever this show is supposed to be taking place. I always assumed this show took place in Canada but some people insist it was set in Chicago. I just know it’s taking place somewhere cold.
Episode 3.5 “Stick In Your Ear”
(Dir by Douglas Jackson, originally aired on October 16th, 1989)
Hack stage mentalist Adam Cole (Wayne Best) has come into possession of a cursed hearing aid that allows him to hear the thoughts of other people. This is great for act! However, the hearing aid also sometimes becomes so full of other people’s thoughts that Adam has to commit murder to keep his head from exploding. Yikes!
This is yet another episode where more time is spent with the person using the cursed object than with Jack, Micki, and Ryan Johnny. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with that and Wayne Best does fine in the role of the not-particularly sympathetic Adam Cole. But, watching this episode, I still found myself missing the old days — let’s call them the Ryan days — when the chemistry between the three leads was often just as important as the gore and the horror. As a character, Johnny still often feels a bit half-baked, as if the show’s writers still weren’t quite sure who he was. When he was first introduced, he was cocky and streetwise. Then he went to prison for a murder he didn’t commit! Then, he was revealed to be a baseball fan who liked to build ships in bottles. And now, in this episode, he’s suddenly an aspiring writer who enjoys reading the tabloids. Steven Monarque does what he can but the character is so inconsistent that Johnny still feels a bit out-of-place in the show’s world. At the very least, Ryan had a reason for sticking with the often grisly hunt for the antiques. He wanted to do it with his cousin. (I know, I know …. ewwww! But it was also Ryan’s most defining motivation.) Johnny’s motivations are a bit more opaque.
This episode did feature some Cronenbergian body horror, a nice reminder of Friday the 13th‘s Canadian origins. Not clearing out the hearing aid leads to some exploding head action which is quite graphic even for this show. That said, it bothers me that one person’s head more or less implodes in front of an entire studio audience and you really do have to wonder how exactly that’s going to be explained to the press. I would think an exploding head and a snake-like hearing aid would lead to a lot of people saying, “Hey, maybe there is something out there.”
This was a gory episode, nicely acted and featuring an intriguing antique. That said, I still miss Ryan.
Through the Shattered Lens 