Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.7 “Assault and Pepper Spray” and 4.8 “High Hoops”

Posted on April 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, it’s all about self-defense and marijuana at Deering High!

Episode 4.7 “Assault and Pepper Spray”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 3rd, 1998)

This was a weird episode. Kristy has a job working at the mall. Since this is a Peter Engel-produced show, that job involves wearing an ugly outfit and selling corny dogs. One night, when she gets off work, she’s mugged. Despite her efforts to try to move on with her life, she still struggles with PTSD. So far, so good. I’ve been in similar situations and it’s not something you ever really get over, even if you do eventually manage to get on with your life. After taking a self-defense class and discovering that she’s not good at beating people up, Kristy decides to carry pepper spray instead. The next night, while she’s walking out to her car, someone comes up behind her. Startled, Kristy uses the pepper spray. OH NO, SHE JUST SPRAYED MICHAEL!

Now, don’t get me wrong. It sucks that Michael got sprayed in the face. I carry pepper spray myself and I’ve accidentally sprayed myself in the face enough time that I know what it can do. (That’s one reason why I carry it.) But Michael also knew what had happened to Kristy earlier so he should have known better than to sneak up on her. Everyone on the show acts as if Kristy drew a gun, turned around and shot Michael but all Kristy did was spray him in the face. (And again, it really was Michael’s fault that he got sprayed in the first place.) Feeling guilty, Kristy says she’s going to give up the pepper spray and take another self-defense course. No, Kristy! The pepper spray worked! Just because Michael ends up crying about it, that doesn’t mean that the pepper spray was a bad idea. If Kristy had sprayed someone other than Michael, everyone would be talking about how lucky she was to have it with her.

I mean, take me for instance. I run. I dance. I know how to kick. I like to think that I’m in pretty good shape. But if some dude who outweighs me by over a hundred pounds is coming at me, I’m going for the pepper spray.

The plot of this episode left a bad, coppery taste in my mouth and brought tears to my eyes. Let’s move on.

Episode 4.8 “High Hoops”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 3rd, 1998)

Rico is eating more than usual. He’s laughing at strange moments. He’s paranoid about people sneaking up on him. He’s screwing up at practice.

OH MY GOD, RICO’S ON THE WEED!

Which weed?

THE WEED WITH ROOTS IN HELL!

Yes, this is another Peter Engel-produced television show about the dangers of marijuana. This time, it’s Rico who is getting high and running the risk of hurting himself and his friends. The team discovers that Rico is now a stoner when he opens up his locker and a baggie of weed literally flies out of it. Rico says that pot is no big deal. Hammer says that his cousin used to think the same thing but now he lives in the park and thinks that he’s a squirrel. (I think Hammer’s cousin may have been doing something more than just marijuana if that’s the case.) The team is scandalized and who can blame them? Athletes doing drugs? WHO EVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING!?

(Wow, I’m doing a lot of yelling today.)

Despite knowing that Rico is now a drug fiend, Hammer still asks him to fix the brakes on his motorcycle. Unfortunately, Rico gets too stoned to fix the brakes and Hammer ends up having a serious accident as a result. You have to wonder why Hammer would have trusted Rico with that responsibility to begin with, especially considering that this episode has an entire B-plot about Mary Beth, Kristy, and Michael taking auto shop because they think it’ll be an easy A.

(It turns out that not only is not an easy A but Kristy manages to get trapped in the trunk of the teacher’s car while installing a radio. It was kind of dumb but, as I’ve said more than a few times, Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto were a strong enough comedic team that they could wring laughs out of even the dumbest of situations.)

Anyway, Hammer comes back to school with his arm in a sling and looking for revenge. He uses his one good arm to try to beat up Rico, which is all it takes for Rico to realize that he needs to clean up his act. So, the lesson here is to beat up all of your drug-abusing friends but don’t use pepper spray if they come at you.

I’m glad that’s cleared up.

Retro Television Reviews: The Screaming Woman (dir by Jack Smight)

Posted on April 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1972’s The Screaming Woman! It can be viewed on YouTube!

In this made-for-tv movie from 1972, the great Olivia de Havilland plays Laura Wynant. Laura is a wealthy woman who has just been released from a mental institution. She goes to her country estate to recuperate but, as soon as she arrives, she starts to hear a woman’s voice in the back yard.

“help me …. help me….” the voice cries.

Laura looks around and she soon realizes that the voice is coming from the ground! A woman has been buried alive in the backyard and will soon die if not rescued! At first Laura tries to dig up the woman on her own but her hands are crippled by arthritis. An attempt to get a neighborhood child to help her dig just leads to Laura being confined to her home, under doctor’s orders. No matter how much Laura tries to get the people around her to listen for the sound of the woman crying for help, everyone just assume that Laura must be imagining things.

Further complicating things is the fact that the person who put the woman in the ground is still out there. And, when he discovers that Laura has been hearing voices, he decides that maybe he needs to do something about both Laura and the screaming woman….

The Screaming Woman is an effective psychological thriller and, considering that it was made for early 70s network television, surprisingly suspenseful. If the film were remade today, I imagine it would try to keep us guessing as to whether or not Laura was hearing an actual woman or if it was all in her mind. However, by revealing early on that Laura actually is hearing what she thinks she’s hearing, The Screaming Woman puts us right into Laura’s shoes and we share her frustration as she desperately tries to get someone — anyone — to take her seriously. It helps that Laura is played by Olivia de Havilland, who gives a very sympathetic and believable performance. De Havilland, who started her career appearing in Errol Flynn movies back in the 30s and who most famously played Melanie in Gone With The Wind, was one of the longest-lived stars of Hollywood’s Golden Age, living to the age of 104 and winning two Academy Awards for Best Actress.

The film is based on a short story by Ray Bradbury. In the story, it’s a little girl — as opposed to an old woman — who hears the voice. I haven’t read the short story so I don’t know how else it compares to this adaptation but, as a film, The Screaming Woman is an entertaining and creepy thriller and, when viewed today, it serves as a reminder of what a good actress Olivia De Havilland truly was. She takes a simple thriller and turns it into a meditation on aging and the one person’s determination to do the right thing even when the entire world seems to be against her.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.13 “We’ll Always Have Aspen” and 4.14 “Lorena’s Place”

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The California Dreams are in Aspen! Wait …. what?

Episode 4.13 “We’ll Always Have Aspen”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on January 6th, 1996)

This episode opens with the California Dreams in Aspen, Colorado, hanging out at the Costa Ski Lodge. Why are they there? They’re there because this episode was originally meant to air during season 3, after the episode where the Dreams went to the ski lodge and convinced Lorena’s father not to kick that old crank out of his isolated cabin. Why did NBC hold off on showing this episode for so long? I’m not sure but it certainly does lead to some odd continuity errors. For instance, Tony announces that he’s “hunting ski bunnies.” Obviously, this was meant to air before Tony and Sam became a couple. Lorena and Jake are also dating in this episode.

This episode is also one of the rare ones to focus on Mark. Mark is shocked to discover that his ex-girlfriend, Jenny (Catherine Nagan), is staying at the lodge. As he explains it, he and Jenny were once totally in love but then Jenny left him so that she could train to be on the U.S. Olympic skiing team. At first, Mark refuses to speak to Jenny but then Jenny explains that leaving him was the biggest mistake of her life and that she is tired of skiing. Mark and Jenny spend the day together and Mark realizes that Jenny actually does love skiing too much to give it up. So, Mark gets dumped again but this time, he was the one who suggested that Jenny should break up with him so I guess he feels better about the only member of the Dream to never have a romantic partner for longer than one episode.

In the B-plot, Lorena’s father leaves Lorena in charge while he goes off to do …. well, I’m not sure why he left. But him leaving means that Lorena is in charge of the big winter festival. Why would her father leave Lorena, who is a teenager, in charge of the Lodge’s biggest event? I’m starting to suspect that he is just not a very good businessman. Anyway, all of this leads to Jake having to wear a silly costume and Sly taking part in a yodeling contest. That was kind of funny.

This wasn’t a bad episode and it was nice to see Lorena and Jake back together but …. eh. The California Dreams belong the beach. They’re surfers not skiers.

Episode 4.14 “Lorena’s Place”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on March 30th, 1996)

The first thing that I noticed about the 14th episode of the fourth season of California Dreams is that it aired over two months after the 13th episode, which itself was an episode that had been filmed for the 3rd season. I don’t know what exactly was going on behind the scenes at NBC but it appears that the network decided to end season 4 by burning off a few old episodes that, for whatever reason, didn’t air when they were originally supposed to.

(Of course, Saved By The Bell did the same thing. The episode where Screech is made hall monitor was filmed for the first season but, oddly, didn’t air until after the show’s Graduation episode.)

This episode finds the Dreams back in California. Eager to date a pretentious douchebag named Alan, Lorena turns her loft into a coffeehouse and hosts a poetry reading. Lorena also reads Alan a poem that her father wrote for her mother but which Lorena claims that she wrote for Alan. Alan is so impressed that he memorizes the poem. Then, after Lorena tells him the truth, he destroys the poem.

Oh no!

Not to worry. The Dreams hold another coffeehouse reading. Alan, for some reason, comes to that one as well and recites the poem. Sam records his words and recreate the poem for Lorena’s parents. So, not only is the poem saved but Lorena gets a new boyfriend! But Alan kind of sucks so hopefully, he’ll never show up again.

This episode was very 90s but it was a Lorena episode and, since Lorena is the character to whom I most relate, I enjoyed it.

Next week: Season 4 comes to an end!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson 1.3 “The Deadly Vase”

Posted on March 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

The pilot for Half Nelson was pretty good! Now, let’s see if this rest of the show lived up to its promise.

Episode 1.3 “The Deadly Vase”

(Directed by Alan Cooke, originally aired on March 29th, 1985)

I cannot escape Robert Reed.

Seriously! Robert Reed is one of those actors who seems to show up every week in my retro television reviews. If he wasn’t starring in The Brady Bunch Hour, he was guesting on The Love Boat or Fantasy Island. And now, he’s the guest villain in this week’s episode of Half Nelson!

Reed, with his graying perm and his aging porn star mustache, plays Seymour Griffith. Griffith is a fabulously wealthy Beverly Hills attorney who is planning on becoming even more wealthy by stealing a valuable vase and selling it to a crooked antiques dealer named Morgan (Cesar Romero). Unfortunately, while stealing the vase, Griffith kills the owner. (Griffith is also having an affair with the dead man’s wife.) Somewhat inconveniently, for Griffith, the dead man was a client of the Beverly Hills Patrol! Rocky Nelson is on the case, both because he’s romantically pursuing the dead man’s daughter (Michelle Johnson) and also because Rocky believes in justice.

This week’s villains

The tone of The Vase is notably different from the pilot that preceded it. The Pilot had its comedic elements (such as Rocky continually borrowing famous cars from the studio) but it was ultimately fairly serious and it even ended on something of a down note, with Police Chief Parsons (George Kennedy) committing suicide rather than face justice for the murders that he committed. In the pilot, Rocky was definitely out-of-place as a New Yorker in Los Angeles but, at the same time, he was finding his way around his new town and learning how to fit in.

The Deadly Vase, on the other hand, reimagines Rocky as a short, Italian version of Eddie Murphy’s Axel Foley from Beverly Hills Cop. Chester (Fred Williamson), who was a supportive boss in the pilot, is suddenly a bit uptight about Rocky investigating a crime in Beverly Hills. He even sends his newest recruits, Kurt and Beau (played by Bubba Smith and Hang Time‘s Dick Butkus), to follow Rocky around Beverly Hills and make sure that Rocky doesn’t offend any rich people with his New York attitude. This episode pretty much just duplicates the plot of Beverly Hills Cop. During one car chase, The Heat Is On plays on the soundtrack and it’s hard not to notice that the other musical cues are almost identical to the ones heard in Beverly Hills Cop.

Smith and Butkus aren’t the only new members of the cast. Dependable character actor Gary Grubbs joins the show as Detective Hamill, who is far less a fan of Rocky’s than Parsons was. Hamill shows up long enough to order Rocky to stay off the case and to get growled at by Rocky’s pit bull. Hamill also gets to have a conversation with Dean Martin about whether or not Frank and Sammy and Shirley MacClaine would be willing to do a benefit for the Beverly Hills police department. Dean is only onscreen for a few minutes but it’s still nice to see him there.

Joe Pesci, who was so strong in the pilot, spends most of this episode looking more than a little annoyed so I’m going to guess that he may not have been happy with the show’s new direction. About the only time Pesci seems to be having fun is when Rocky is hired to play a hot dog in a commercial. The director of the commercial is played by Donald O’Connor and yes, Pesci does wear a hot dog costume.

Joe Pesci getting dressed up like a hot dog pretty much saved this episode as the mystery itself was fairly bland and Robert Reed never really felt like a worthy opponent to Rocky. Hopefully, next week’s episode will be a bit of an improvement …. or, at least, let’s hope the show finds another excuse to put Joe Pesci in a hot dog costume.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.10 “Keep on the Download” and 4.11 “Havoc”

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

C.I.T.Y. …. this show is never going to end….

Episode 4.10 “Keep On The Download”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 21st, 2000)

To be honest, I guess it’s kind of silly that out of all the things that I dislike about City Guys, it’s Chris and Jamal’s radio show that tends to annoy the most.

I mean, I know I spend a lot of time complaining about the way all of the student’s worship Ms. Noble but if there’s anything that truly makes me want to throw something across the room, it’s definitely the sound of Manny and Jamal announcing, “Hello, Manny High!” The whole radio station thing has never made sense to me and I’ve always had a hard time with the idea of Chris and Jamal becoming radio superstars with their stale schtick. It also doesn’t help that I’ve never really understood just when exactly Chris and Jamal are doing their show. Are they broadcasting during class hours? Are they broadcasting during lunch? Why does it sometimes seem as if they go several days without even thinking about their radio show just to suddenly have it once become the center of their lives a few episodes later?

This episode establishes that every school in New York City apparently has its own radio station. Adam and Malik are the radio hosts at Washington Prep and they’ve managed to get an interview with a rapper named Dr. Deej. After they taunt Chris and Jamal with their success, Chris and Jamal react by trying to get Dr. Deej to appear on their show. When Jamal can’t get Dr. Deej to return his calls, they decide to just have Chris pretend to be Dr. Deej.

Yes, that’s right. The very white Chris pretends to be a rapper. “Yo, yo, yo,” Chris says, “the doctor is in this house, pass me the scalpel, crunch me an apple….” (Don’t get mad at me, I’m just transcribing.) The real Dr. Deej calls in to ask how he can be on Chris and Jamal’s show when he’s actually on Adam and Malik’s show. Uh-oh!

Having been humiliated, Chris and Jamal go over to Washington Prep, break into the booth, and steal the sign with the radio call letters. Being two huge idiots, Chris and Jamal bring the sign to the roof of Manny High so that everyone can celebrate their thievery. Ms. Noble sees the sign and is not amused. When Chris and Jamal say that its just part of a prank war, Ms. Noble informs them the pranks have gone too far and they’re both off the air. YAY!

Wow, I’m glad that radio stuff is over with. Let’s move on….

Oh wait, we’re only halfway through the episode.

Adam and Malik announce that they will be broadcasting an on-air funeral for the Chris and Jamal show. So, Chris and Jamal break into Washington Prep during the middle of the night and they try to sabotage Adam & Malik’s DJ booth. While trying to move some wires around, they short out an amp. (Wow, that really escalated.) Because they’re both extremely stupid, Chis and Jamal break into Washington Prep a second time and attempt to leave a new amp in the DJ booth. (I’m not sure why, since their stated goal was to sabotage Adam and Malik and they managed to do just that.) This time, a security guard catches them and, instead of calling the cops, he calls Ms. Noble.

WHAT!?

Anyway, the situation is resolved by letting Adam and Malik use Manny High’s DJ booth until their booth is repaired. And apparently, Ms. Noble is going to let Chris and Jamal back on the air as well. I’m not really sure why. I guess it pays off to break into other schools.

While this is going on, Dawn becomes so obsessed with winning a trophy in the Academic Bowl that she alienates all of her smart teammates and is instead forced to compete with Al and L-Train on her team. Bizarrely, the Academic Bowl is held on the roof of Manny High and Ms. Noble is the host. The final question is to list one of the three nicknames for catfish, which really doesn’t sound like an Academic Bowl question. Because L-Train knows all three of the names, Manny High wins. L-Train announces that he’s going to take the trophy to a pawn shop. Ms. Noble, who is so quick to get involved in every aspect of her students’s lives, has no problem with L-Train selling the most prestigious trophy the school has ever won.

Okay, can we move on now? Yay!

Episode 4.11 “Havoc

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 28th, 2000)

Chis is apparently a guitarist now. He’s so good that the Screaming Skulls want him to be their new lead guitarist! But Chris is already in a band, a jazz fusion band with Al, L-Train, and Jamal. (Their band is called the — *snicker* — Jazz Posse! I went to a college with a world-famous jazz band and even my jazz-obsessed classmates would not have been caught dead listening to a band called the Jazz Posse.) How can he be in two bands at the same time? Actually, quite a few musicians are in multiple bands at the same time but most of them aren’t as dumb as Chris. Chris he has to make a choice between either being in a world famous rock band or continuing to play on the roof of Manny High.

Jamal acts as if Chris is being selfish for wanting to play with his new band as opposed to spending all of his time with his high school friends. But, honestly, Jamal kind of sucks. Never once does he congratulate Chris or even acknowledge that it’s cool that Chris now has proof that he has a possible future as a professional musician. Instead of being happy for Chris, Jamal immediately start complaining about him not wanting to be in the high school jazz band. I find it hard to believe that the Al, Jamal, and L-Train couldn’t find someone else to play guitar in their little band. Is Chris the only guitarist at Manny High? To the show’s credit, Cassidy actually does call Jamal out for his behavior. Cassidy goes to Chris’s first gig as a member of the Skulls and discovers that Chris has been replaced by the band because their old guitarist came back.

The next day, Chris lies to everyone at school and says that he’s still in the Skulls. How exactly does he think he’s going to keep this a secret, as the Skulls have been portrayed as being a pretty famous band? Chris shows up at the Jazz Posse’s next performance and asks to rejoin the band. He apologizes for leaving them earlier, despite the fact that Chis has nothing to apologize for and Jamal was the one being a jerk about it. So, I guess Cassidy calling out Jamal was just something that was done to pad out the episode because no one acknowledges that any musician would rather join a successful band than play in a high school jazz band.

The Jazz Posse plays a show on the roof of Manny High as the end credits roll. Why does everything have to be on the roof?

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.7 “Ship of Ghouls”

Posted on March 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Vincent Price comes aboard for a special Halloween episode!

This is actually, the second time that I’ve reviewed this episode. I also watched and reviewed it back in 2021. I enjoyed it the first time that I watched it and my opinion remained the same the second time I watched it. Still, I’m glad that I rewatched the episode as opposed to trying to write a second review from memory. There were a few details that I had forgotten.

Anyway, it’s time for…. SHIP OF GHOULS!

Episode 2.7 “Ship of Ghouls”

(Originally aired on October 28th, 1978, dir by Roger Duchowny)

It’s time for the annual Halloween cruise and Captain Stubing is super excited because he has hired The Amazing Alonzo (Vincent Price) to provide the cruise’s entertainment. Alonzo is a master illusionist and hypnotist, who can trick people into seeing just about anything. The episode really doesn’t explain just how exactly Alonzo is able to hypnotize people by just saying a few words to them but no matter. This is The Love Boat and Vincent Price is …. well, he’s Vincent Price. Vincent comes across like he’s having the time of his life in this episode and, as such, we accept that Alonzo can cause a bunch of people to think that Gopher and Doc have been turned into two donkeys. We accept that he can fool the Captain into thinking that the ship’s pool has been turned into a giant ice cream sundae. We even accept that he can make Isaac’s head appear in a glass of beer. We accept all of it because it just feels wrong to get hung up on logic when Vincent Price is involved.

The Amazing Alonzo is having so much fun flirting with his elderly groupies and casting spells that his long-suffering fiancé, Ramona (Joan Blondell), dumps him and instead moves into the Captain’s quarters. At first, Alonzo is jealous of the Captain but he soon comes to realize that the Captain is not romantically interested in Ramona and is just letting her stay in his quarters because she needs some place to stay. Alonzo also discovers that he can no longer hypnotize people without Ramona’s support. At the big Halloween party, Alonzo freezes time and apologizes to Ramona. He also confesses to her that his real name is Wendell. They walk out of the ship’s ballroom, hand-in-hand. Yay!

Needless to say, Vincent Price was the highlight of this episode. However, as was always the case with The Love Boat, there were other passengers on the cruise.

For instance, nine year-old Bobby Diller (Charlie Aikman) is a habitual liar and prankster. His behavior may be bratty but that’s largely due to the fact that his parents (Gary Collins and Mary Ann Mobley) are getting back together after previously getting a divorce and he’s worried that they’re going to split up again. Fortunately, Bobby’s lying comes in handy when he spots Karen (Barbara Anderson) preparing to throw herself overboard. Bobby tells Karen that his mother committed suicide and that he’s never gotten over it. Karen changes her mind about committing suicide. Once Karen is safely back on deck, Bobby admits that he lied but then adds, “It’s the last lie I’ll ever tell!”

Why was Karen suicidal? Karen was a model until a car accident left her with a scar on her face. Karen is convinced that no one will ever find her to be beautiful again. Of course, Gopher and Doc both find her to be beautiful and they spend the entire cruise hitting on her and arguing over which one of them has the right to dance with her and have dinner with her. (As I’ve said in the past, The Love Boat really was a floating HR nightmare.) Karen, unfortunately, thinks that they’re just doing this as a favor to Karen’s best friend, cruise director Julie. Fortunately, Bobby’s lie convinces Karen that people can sincerely care about one another. Also, Karen realizes that she’s too good for either Gopher or Doc. Good for her!

This was a good episode. Vincent Price was a delight as always and Barbara Anderson was sympathetic Karen. All Halloween cruises should be as entertaining as The Love Boat‘s!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week is all about deception.

Episode 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

Brian Kehoe (Hugh O’Brian) is from Texarkana. In his youth, he was a rodeo rider but now he’s a broken-down old man who works as a rodeo clown. He’s one of the best in the business and every rodeo rider on Fantasy Island swears that Brian has saved their lives multiple times. (There’s a surprisingly large amount of rodeo people on Fantasy Island.) However, Brian is deeply ashamed of just being a clown. In fact, he’s spent his life telling his 11 year-old son, Tommy (Johnny Timko), that he’s the greatest rodeo champion of all time.

Brian’s fantasy is to be just that. He’s spending the weekend with his son on Fantasy Island and he wants everyone to treat him like he’s a world famous rodeo star. However, when he realizes that Tommy wants to see him in action, Brian realizes that he’s going to do have to ride a bull himself. Unfortunately, Brian just can’t do it. He’s old and out-of-practice. So, he and his friends try to play a little trickery on Johnny. Brian explains that he always wears a bandana over the lower half of his face whenever he rides. When Tommy is cheering for his father, little does he realize he’s actually cheering for one of his father’s friends. But when one the real riders is put in danger, Brian has no choice but to reveal the truth. Of course, that was Mr. Roarke’s plan all along.

This was an okay fantasy. I appreciated the fact that everyone pronounced rodeo correctly. There weren’t any Yankees wandering around talking about the “roe-day-o.” Hugh O’Brian did a good job of portraying the sadness beneath Brian’s confident façade. And, when Tommy first learns that his father has been lying to him, he has a very honest reaction. He is pissed off! It takes Tommy a while to forgive his father. This was a well-acted little fantasy, even if you never had any real doubt that things would eventually work out.

As for the other fantasy …. bleh. Jayne Meadows Allen plays Nadine Winslow, a woman who suffers from hypochondria. Her fantasy is to learn what’s wrong with her. She’s examined by a Dr. Van Helsing (Hans Conried), who informs her that she only has a few weeks to live. After Nadine leaves the exam room, we learn that Dr. Van Helsing is actually a waiter and it’s always been his fantasy to tell someone that they only have a few weeks to live. Between this guy and that Nazi POW camp a few weeks ago, I’m starting to doubt Roarke’s instincts.

Nadine’s new fantasy is to find a new wife for her husband, Harvey (Peter Lawford, who appears to be slightly hung over in most of his scenes). She settles on Monica (Sherry Jackson), whom Harvey meets during a bizarre Fantasy Island dating game that is hosted by a leering Mr. Roarke. Monica and Harvey seem like a good couple but then Nadine spots her doctor working as a waiter and she realizes that she’s not dying. So, she and Harvey get back together and, for some reason, they thank Mr. Roarke as opposed to suing him for emotional distress. That whole fantasy was just dumb.

So, this was a pretty uneven episode. I liked the rodeo stuff. I disliked the death stuff. That’s the way it usually goes.

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.5 “S.A.T. Blues” and 4.6 “Easy Credit”

Posted on March 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Season 4 continues! Maybe this will be the week when it actually gets …. good.

Episode 4.5 “S.A.T. Blues”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 26th, 1998)

It’s S.A.T. time! (Seeing as how Julie and Mary Beth are both in their fifth year of high school, it’s probably a good thing that they finally took the test.) Everyone does well on the S.A.T. except for Hammer. But Hammer is convinced that he doesn’t need good test scores because of his talent on the court. Unfortunately, a recruiter from Duke U. informs Hammer that it doesn’t matter that Hammer single-handedly won the team’s last game. Duke takes academics very seriously and there’s no way Hammer will ever play for them. NOT WITH THOSE SCORES!

A dejected Hammer tries to quit the team. Fortunately, a friend Coach K’s informs Hammer that he can still get into the NBA, even if he does end up going to junior college. I’m going to guess that Coach K’s friend was played by a real-life basketball player, just because the audience went crazy when he made a basket. Coach K. also made a basket but, noticeably, it was made through camera trickery because, unlike Reggie Theus, Dick Butkus was not a former basketball player and didn’t come across as being someone who had ever made a basket in his life. Anyway, Hammer learns an important lesson and agrees to take the test again. That said, if Hammer was actually as good on the court as he claimed to be, I imagine Duke would have bent the rules for him.

Meanwhile, Julie and Michael celebrate their 2-year anniversary. After Mary Beth hears Michael talking about getting an expensive “ruby guitar” for himself, she tells Julie that Michael is getting her a “ruby.” Julie buys Michael an expensive guitar case. Meanwhile, Michael finds out that Mary Beth told Julie that she’s getting a ruby ring so he sells his guitar so that he can afford to get her the ring. Somewhere, the angry ghost of O. Henry is researching copyright law. Anyway, Julie gets mad at Michael for spending too much on her. Who actually gets mad over something like that?

This episode was not particularly memorable but it wasn’t really bad either. It was very much a middle-of-the-road Hang Time episode. An important lesson was learned and the audiences was told to cheer whenever Michael and Julie kissed. Dick Butkus is still totally unbelievable as a basketball coach. Let us move on.

Episode 4.6 “Easy Credit”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 26th, 1998)

Ugh. This is another one of those episodes where every complication is due to the characters being idiots. I hate episodes like this.

In the B-plot, Julie is set to be named Indiana Basketball Player of the Month, because of course she is. Coach K. doesn’t want Julie to find out before he announces it at the school dance. However, he makes the mistake of telling Mary Beth and Michael about it and they do such a bad job of hiding how excited they are about Julie winning yet another honor that Julie suspects that something strange is going on. Through a series of events that are way too annoying for me to detail, this leads to Julie and Kristy thinking that Coach K is going to ask the principal to marry him and this would all be interesting if I had never seen any other shows produced by Peter Engel.

The A-plot is even more aggravating. Silk has a credit card but he’s only supposed to use it for emergencies. But he ends up using it to buy stuff for himself and his friends. He also ends up with a huge credit card bill. Instead of getting a job or asking his parents for the money, he decides to use the credit card to buy a TV so that it can be raffled off at the school dance. (What?) Unfortunately, the TV gets broken so Silk, Rico, and Hammer decide to borrow the team van so they can take the TV to Rico’s uncle who is a master at repairing televisions. Unfortunately, the van breaks down and Silk can’t afford to get it fixed because the credit card is maxed out and….

….

Sorry, I was silently screaming. This was such an annoying episode. I’m done talking about it. Everything worked out and Silk learned an important lesson about not being an irresponsible dummy. Yay!

Retro Television Reviews: The Alpha Caper (dir by Robert Michael Lewis)

Posted on March 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1973’s The Alpha Caper! It can be viewed on YouTube!

After years of faithful service and hard work, parole officer Mark Forbes (Henry Fonda) is on the verge of mandatory retirement. He’s spent his entire career playing by the rules and taking orders and helping recently released criminals go straight. For all of his service, all he’s gets is a small party and a cheap retirement gift.

Still, Mark is on the job when he gets a call that one of his parolees, Harry (Noah Beery, Jr.), is currently in the middle of a stand-off with the cops. Mark goes to the crime scene, where he discovers that Harry was trying to rob a warehouse full of weapons. He also discovers that Harry is dying, as the result of being shot by the police. Before Harry passes, he tells Mark that he and three other ex-cons were plotting to steal a shipment of gold bars.

Mark decides to carry out Harry’s plan. Working with Mitch (Leonard Nimoy), Tudor (Larry Hagman), and Scat (James McEachin), Mark comes up with a plan to rob the armored cars that are going to be transporting the gold. While Tudor and Scat are quick to join up with Mark, Mitch is a bit more hesitant. In the end, though, they all decide to work together. The plan they come up with is a clever one but its main strength is that it’s being spearheaded by Mark, a man who no one would ever expect to commit a crime. No one but his colleague and friend, Lee (John Marley), that is.

I watched The Alpha Caper last night, with my friend Phil, Janeen, and Spiro. To be honest, I selected the film because the title led me to suspect that it would be a science fiction film of some sort. I was a little surprised when it turned out to be a crime thriller but I was even more surprised by just how good the film itself turned out to be. Cleverly plotted and well-acted by the entire cast (and featuring a scruffy Leonard Nimoy playing a role that’s about as far from the coldly logical Mr. Spock as one can get), The Alpha Caper is an entertaining crime film but it’s also surprisingly poignant. Mark is someone who feels that he’s lived his entire life without taking a single risk and, as a result, he has nothing to show for it. He compares his situation to the mythical Kilroy of “Kilroy was Here” graffiti fame. Kilroy will always be remembered, even though no one is really sure who he was. Mark fears that he’s destined to be forgotten. The robbery is Mark’s way of announcing that “Mark Forbes was here.” The film ends on a surprisingly touching, if rather bittersweet, note.

The Alpha Caper originally aired on ABC on October 6th, 1973. It was apparently meant to be a pilot for an anthology show that would be called Crime. The series wasn’t picked up but, two years later, The Alpha Caper was theatrically released in Italy. Today, it can be seen on YouTube. Like Mark Forbes and Kilroy, the film has not been forgotten.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.11 “Heal the Bay” and 4.12 “Woo-oops”

Posted on March 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, continuity goes to Hell with the California Dreams!

Episode 4.11 “Heal the Bay”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 2nd, 1995)

This episode opens with all the Dreams hanging out at Sharky’s, getting ready to head to the beach. Tiffani blows a conch shell to let all the surfers know that the tide is up. Mark says that he’s bringing his guitar to the beach so he can practice getting girls. Jake and Lorena discuss what they’re taking to the beach. Not surprisingly, Lorena is planning on taking a lot more than Jake while Jake is going to keep things simple….

Wait! Jake and Lorena are going the beach together? And they’re flirting? Didn’t they break up at the start of the season? Yes, they did! But NBC was notorious for showing the episodes of their Saturday morning sitcoms out of order. As a result, shows like California Dreams, Hang Time, City Guys, and One World were notorious for their continuity errors. Of course, as I watched this episode, it didn’t really matter to me because I like Jake and Lorena as a couple and I think they were way too quick to break up. Even though the episode wrecked havoc with the show’s continuity, it was still nice to Jake and Lorena flirting again….

However, I was less amused when Tony started to hit on a girl who wasn’t Sam. I mean, Tony and Sam have been dating forever! This episode was obviously meant to air way back at the start of the third season, even before Jake and Lorena hooked up in Budget Cuts. If it hard aired when intended, it would have set the foundation for Jake and Lorena eventually getting together. And, looking back, Jake and Lorena’s relationship did seem like it kind of came out of nowhere.

As for the rest of this episode, it featured Tony turning into crazed environmentalist after the beach is closed due to pollution. He gets on everyone’s nerves so the Dreams show him the error of his ways by ruining his date with a girl who is not Sam. It turns out that the entire date involves doing or wearing or eating something that was harmful for the environment. Having realized that being an insane environmentalist means never getting laid, Tony apologizes. Good for him! The Dreams then perform at a concert to raise money to “heal the bay.” They do it for free. Poor Sly.

I liked the episode because insane environmentalists are annoying and Lorena and Jake were a cute couple. I just wish it had aired when it was supposed to. Let’s find out if the next episode is any less of a continuity nightmare.

Episode 4.12 “Woo-oops”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 30th, 1995)

Samantha’s father entrusts her with a credit card! Yay! Samantha spends a thousand dollars in one day! Oh no! Now, Sam has to work multiple jobs to raise the money to pay off the card or her father is going to make her return to Hong Kong!

If this sounds familiar, it’s because Saved By The Bell did an episode where Lisa Turtle spent too much with her credit card. Hang Time also had a credit card episode. It was a big topic as far as Peter Engel-produced shows were concerned. In this case, Sam fails to raise all of the money but she does raise roughly half of it so her father agrees to let her stay in the U.S, as long as she keeps working to pay him back. That’s a good thing, seeing as how the Dreams didn’t really have anyone who could have replaced her in the band.

As far as continuity is concerned, Jake and Tiffani are a couple in this episode. In fact, there’s a nicely done B-plot where Jake had to find a replacement for a valuable doll that he accidentally destroyed after Tiffani tells him that she’s found a buyer for it. And, of course, Sam and Tony are a couple, just as they should be. Everyone learns an important lesson about spending money, i.e., spend as much as you want and then wait for someone to help you pay it all off. Sounds good to me!

Next week, we return to Lorena’s father’s ski lodge!