Dracula vs. LBJ: Who Would Win?

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

For my final President Elect simulation of this year’s horrorthon, I decided to see what would happen if, in 1964, Dracula had been the Republican nominee against LBJ. I had already discovered that Dracula would have easily defeated both Frankenstein’s Monster and Jimmy Carter in a presidential election. Would he be able to do the same with LBJ?

In the real world, LBJ easily defeated the Republican nominee, Barry Goldwater. LBJ benefitted from public sympathy for the Kennedy family and also from a brutally negative campaign that portrayed Goldwater as being a war monger. Johnson won 61% of the popular vote and he carried 44 states (and DC). Goldwater won only 38% of the popular vote and carried only 6 states (5 in the Deep South and his home state of Arizona). At the time, Goldwater’s defeat was portrayed as being the end of the Republican Party. Instead, Goldwater’s losing campaign set the foundations that would later lead to election of Ronald Reagan in the 80s.

How would Dracula have done against LBJ? Would Dracula, with his superb speaking skills and his hypnotic magnetism, have been able to defeat LBJ despite the incumbent’s strengths?

According to President Elect, LBJ would have still won if Dracula had been the nominee but the election would have been much closer, as far as the popular vote was concerned. During the simulation, Dracula was such a strong candidate that LBJ even debated him twice. Dracula won both times but LBJ was still able to hold his own. If LBJ had made a serious gaffe during the debate, the election would have turned out differently. It was a risk but it was a risk that paid off for Johnson.

The first results of election night tells the story:

Though Johnson easily won the District of Columbia, the rest of the states were much closer. Dracula did well in the South and in the west. Johnson did well in the North and the Industrial Midwest. It was Iowa that put him over the top.

In the end, Dracula carried 18 states while Johnson won the other 32 (and D.C.).

(In President Elect, the Republican states are colored blue while the Democratic states are red. It took me a while to get used to it too.)

Against Dracula, Johnson still scored an electoral landslide but the popular vote was much closer.

So, if you’re ever wondering which President could have defeated Dracula, the answer is Lyndon B. Johnson.

And Ronald Reagan. But you already knew that.

Horror Scenes I Love: The Ending of A Field in England

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For my final scene that I love of this year’s horrorthon, I’m going with the trippy conclusion of 2013’s A Field In England. A Field in England is one of the best films of the past ten years and I will never stop encouraging people to see it and discover its mysteries for themselves.

This scene may seem strange when viewed without context. It’s even stranger when viewed with context.

Horror Film Review: King of the Lost World (dir by Leigh Scott)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Produced by the Asylum, this 2005 film opens with a plane crashing on a remote island. The plane splits apart on impact, leaving the back part of the plane on the beach and the cockpit lost somewhere in the jungle. With the reluctant help of the mysterious Lt. Challenger (Bruce Boxleitner), the survivors attempt to find the cockpit and a way to radio for help. What they discover is that the island is not only crawling with dinosaurs and giant bugs but there’s also a really big ape lumbering about. There are also natives, who want to sacrifice the survivors to the ape. Apparently, a sacrifice a day keeps the ape away, which is something that’s good to know if you ever find yourself stranded on an unchartered isle.

This may sound a lot like King Kong and, definitely, the film did borrow more than a little from both those films and Jurassic Park. However, King of the Lost World has even more in common with TV show Lost. The scenes of the survivors on the beach and often feel as if they were lifted from the show’s pilot. (And let’s not forget that a lot of the pilot’s action actually did center around trying to find where the plane’s cockpit had ended up.) Lt. Challenger, who carries a mysterious briefcase with him and who refuses to explain the full details of why he’s on the island, feels like he could have been one of the enigmatic Others. Technically, though, the film is actually an adaption of Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World, which one of a series of novels that Doyle wrote about Professor Challenger and his adventures as an explorer. Prof, Challenger, it should be said, was a bit more of a sympathetic character than Lt. Challenger.

Unfortunately, King of the Lost World doesn’t really live up to any of its influences. The giant ape and the dinosaurs are all neat in their cheap but goofy way but they are also barely in the movie. Instead, the majority of the movie is about people wandering through the forest and arguing about whether or not they should go left or right. When the survivors get captured by the natives, there is a slightly fun sequence where two of them get hypnotized and “go native” but even that’s only interesting for a scene or two. If a movie promises a giant ape, it needs to deliver the giant ape for more than a minute at the start and five minutes at the end.

Usually, I am proud and not at all ashamed to defend the Asylum and their low-budget mockbusters but King of the Lost World is not one of their better films. The movie ended with a hint of a possible sequel but, as far as I know, it never happened. Fortunately, even if King of the Lost World didn’t lead to a franchise, the Asylum would go on to give us the Sharknado films and a lot of other fun movies as well.

Horror Film Review: Terror at London Bridge (dir by E.W. Swackhamer)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On a foggy London night in 1888, the shadowy killer known as Jack the Ripper is pursued by a combination of police and citizens. Cornered and facing certain execution if captured, Jack jumps off of London Bridge and disappears into the murky waters of the Thames.

Jump forward to the late 80s. London Bridge has been transported, brick-by-brick, to a town in Arizona and it now serves as a somewhat tacky tourist attraction. Unfortunately, it turns out that Jack the Ripper’s spirt is inside in the bricks and transporting the bridge has also transported Jack. Considering that Jack died in the Thames, I’m not really sure why his spirit will still be trapped in the bricks of the bridge. It seems like his spirit should still be in the river but whatever. Let’s just go with it. One tourist accidentally cuts her finger while walking across the bridge. Her blood hits the wrong brick and suddenly, Jack the Ripper is alive and killing in Arizona! Can the murders be stopped before they interfere with the tourist season!?

Only Detective Don Gregory (David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff) thinks that Jack the Ripper has returned to life. His captain (Clu Gulager) doesn’t believe him. The sleazy city councilamn (Lane Smith) doesn’t believe him. His potential girlfriend, Angie (Stepfanie Kramer), has doubts about Don’s theory. His own partner (Randolph Mantooth) doesn’t buy it. Even Angie’s best friend, a librarian named Lynn (Adrienne Barbeau), doesn’t think that there’s any connection between Jack the Ripper and the handsome Englishman (Paul Rossilli) who has recently been stopping by the library and flirting with her.

And really, why would anyone believe Don? His theory makes no sense, even if it does turn out to be true. Indeed, Don is remarkably quick to accept the idea of Jack the Ripper traveling through time. Of course, what also doesn’t make sense is the city council’s refusal to shut down the bridge until the killer’s been caught. It’s the tourist season but seriously, it seems like a serial killer — whether he’s Jack the Ripper or not — would be bad for business!

This 1985 movie was made for television. The premise is intriguing but the execution is a real let-down. It’s a 90 minute film and the Hoff doesn’t really seem to get serious about trying to hunt down Jack the Ripper until 60 minutes in. This is the odd Jack the Ripper film in which the Ripper is often treated as an afterthought. Instead, the majority of the film is taken up with Don flirting with Angie and trying to come to terms with an accidental shooting that occurred when Don was a cop in Chicago. The whole Jack the Ripper subplot is almost treated like a red herring, which is an odd way to treat a 19 century villain who can travel through time. I mean, sometimes, romance has to wait until the time-traveling serial killer has been taken care of. It’s all about priorities.

In the end, this one is for hardcore Hasselhoff fans only. Those who want to watch a Jack the Ripper time traveling movie would be better served by watching Time After Time, featuring David Warner as the Ripper and Malcolm McDowell as H.G. Wells.

Horror Film Review: Cyborg Cop (dir by Sam Firstenberg)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In this 1993 film, John Rhys-Davies plays Professor Kissel. The professor is a mad scientist with a German accent who has taken over a small island in the Caribbean. From his compound, he has developed a process by which he can turn anyone into a cyborg! The cyborgs follow his orders and …. well, it’s never quite clear what exactly Professor Kissel plans to do with the cyborgs. I guess he just wants to keep them around so that they can do random evil things.

DEA agent Philip Ryan is captured by Kissel and transformed into one of those cyborgs! However, Philip has a brother named Jack (played by martial artist David Bradley). Jack used to work for the government until he was disillusioned when one of his investigations went terribly wrong. However, Jack is willing to come out of retirement to save his brother. Teaming up with a journalist named Cathy (Alonna Shaw), Jack infiltrates Kissel’s compound and battles the cyborgs. Along the way, Cathy falls in love with Jack. I’m not sure why that happens as Jack tends to be a bit surly and self-absorbed. Indeed, he and Cathy somehow manage to have not just zero but less than zero romantic chemistry.

Does this movie sound dumb? Well, that’s because it was pretty dumb. It was directed by Sam Firstenberg, who directed the first two American Ninja films. And it stars David Bradley, who starred in the last three American Ninja films. The American Ninjas were fun but Cyborg Cop just kind of drags. A huge part of the problem is that David Bradley was a good martial artist but he was a less than impressive actor. Seeing as how Jack is trying to save his brother from being turned into an emotionless robot, Cyborg Cop calls for a bit more acting than the American Ninja films did. Unfortunately, it’s hard to make a film about human emotions when your lead actor isn’t capable of showing them. It doesn’t help that Jack is written as being someone who is always in a rather foul mood. Also, from the minute he lands in the islands, he wears a fanny pack around his waist and it just looks so utterly ridiculous. It’s hard to take a fight seriously when one of the combatants is wearing a leather fanny pack. The other big issue is that it takes forever to actually get to the cyborg action. For some reason, the film tries to generate some suspense about what Kissel’s plan is, despite the fact that the word “cyborg” is right there in the title!

On the plus side, the film does feature John Rhys-Davies playing a mad scientist and he’s just the type of cheerfully theatrical actor who can do justice to the role of someone who spends most of his time ranting about how much smarter he is than everyone else in the world. Rhys-Davies, who is best known for playing Indiana Jones’s friend Sallah and for playing both Gimili and the talking tree in The Lord of the Rings, appears to have had a lot of fun as Prof. Kissel and it’s fun to watch him in the role. This is a case where most people watching the film will proudly cheer for the bad guy because the bad guy is so much more entertaining than the good guy.

Cyborg Cop somehow led to two sequels. The work is never done.

8 Shots From 8 Horror Films: 2020 — 2022

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

This October, I’m going to be doing something a little bit different with my contribution to 4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films. I’m going to be taking a little chronological tour of the history of horror cinema, moving from decade to decade.

Today, we conclude by taking a look at 2020, 2021, and 2022!

8 Shots From 8 Horror Films: 2020 — 2022

A Quiet Place Part II (2020, dir by John Krasinski, DP: Polly Morgan)

The Invisible Man (2020, dir by Leigh Wannell;, DP: Stefan Duscio)

Army of the Dead (2021, dir by Zack Snyder, DP: Zack Snyder)

Halloween Kills (2021, dir by David Gordon Green, DP: Michael Simmonds)

The Black Phone (2022, dir by Scott Derrickson. DP: Brett Jutkiewicz)

Smile (2022, dir by Parker Finn, DP: Charlie Sarroff)

Nope (2022, dir by Jordan Peele, DP: Hoyte van Hoytema)

X (2022, dir by Ti West, DP: Eliot Rockett)

Close Your Eyes, Review by Case Wright

Posted on October 31, 2022 by casewright

Happy Halloween, once again my friends! I know many of you read my posts for the extremes. Really, who cares about the 3 Star Amazon Reviews?! It’s all about the love or the rage. This short did not scare me, but the writer and director has some talent. There’s actually no writer listed; so, it fits that it felt like improv. The story has a beginning, middle, and end. It is satisfying. Although this is a middle of the road short, come on keep reading because my last post helped you avoid Space Herpes! You owe me!!!

Vincent and Martin are roommates. Vincent sees his roommate sleepwalking and figures why not talk to him? I’m not sure what he expected of his half-asleep roommate, but apparently he’s communicating with an evil spirit with serious OCD. The half-asleep Martin has his ear against the door and says that “She will tell you secrets if I listen at the door.” Vincent tries it, ah….Martin corrects him- “you have to close your eyes.” My first response would be: Why the F#@& do I have to take orders from some ASMR whispering cretin in my own GD house- you melatonin addict?! I get the wanting to communicate with other side, but what’s with all the pre-requisites?! I’ve already had Differential Equations; so, tell your Evil Spirit Guidance Counselor to go #&*% and other various Q-Bert symbols!

I’m gonna spoil this a little because…. you know what you did! Vincent runs into the monster in the kitchen and she’s… super bendy and naked, which I guess is scary. I’d just be like take your best shot; you-not-showered-for-a-week-orthopedic-nightmare-somehow-forever-damp-naked- #$^& B@!! She’s obviously got bone issues. You have the greater reach!

He does pick up a guitar and try to fight, but defeats him with …… ASMR?! Is she reciting Goodnight Moon?

One note, what’s with the Darkness?! I can barely see what’s happening in films now with the lighting so low?! I’m not sure if he dies here or if she’s just a close talker. In any case, the film’s over and it basically is an ad for getting a deadbolt.

Halloween Through The Years

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Dazzling Erin

Happy Halloween!

The first Halloween film came out in 1978. The latest came out this year. Over the years, there have been many Halloween film posters. Each one provides a look at what the film was about and also what the current trends were in horror.

Here’s a look at Halloween through the years.

The first Halloween poster emphasizes the knife and the muscular hand that is gripping the knife. One subtle effect is that the indented ridges of the pumpkin also serves as motion lines for the hand.

1978

The second and third Halloween posters continue the first posters emphasis on the holiday. Both also playfully continue the theme of the “the night he came home.” The third poster says, “The night no one comes home.” Again, the posters are more about promising scares than emphasizing who is starring in the movie.

1981

1982

The posters for the next three Halloweens announced that the killer was the star of the show by putting the emphasis squarely on Michael.

1988

1989

1995

The next two Halloweens featured posters that owed much to the posters for Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. Michael is still present on the posters but more emphasis is given to the actors playing his potential victims.

1998

2002

The posters for the Rob Zombie Halloweens emphasize Michael and his brutal nature. With these posters, the emphasis is firmly shifted back to Michael.

2007

2009

Finally, the last three Halloween posters feature close-ups of Michael and Jamie Lee Curtis, emphasizing the character-based approach that the films took to the story.

2018

2021

2022

Horror Film Review: Last Shift (dir by Anthony DiBlasi)

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh no, it’s the cops!

The 2014 film, Last Shift, tells the story of Jessica Loren (Juliana Harkavy). Like her father, Jessica’s a cop. Unlike her father, Jessica is hoping that she’ll survive her shift without becoming the victim of some weird cult leader and his followers. Good luck with that, Jessica!

Jessica’s first assignment is to take the last shift at a police station that is in the process of being shut down. All Jessica has to do is stay at the front desk for the entire night and answer the phone. All of the 911 calls have been re-routed to the new station so Jessica’s job is mostly to make sure that no one enters the station who shouldn’t be there. She’s also told to stay out of the way of a HAZMAT crew, which is showing up to clean out the station’s evidence lockers.

Unfortunately, it turns out that just sitting at the front desk is one of those things that sounds easier than it actually is. For one thing, a drunk homeless man keeps showing up and, eventually, Jessica is forced to put him in one the station’s cells. Secondly, the station keeps getting calls from a woman named Monica. Monica says that she’s been kidnapped by a cult. Jessica tells Monica to call 911 and tell the police where she is but Monica replies that she is calling 911. But how can that be if all of the calls have been rerouted to the new station?

On top of all that, Jessica keeps hearing strange singing and seeing out-of-place shadows in the hallways. Is it just her imagination or is there someone — or something — in the station with her and the HAZMAT team? A mysterious woman appears, smoking a cigarette outside of the station. She tells Jessica that, years ago, the same cult that killed her father committed mass suicide in the station. Shortly afterwards, Jessica is visited by another cop who claims that he knew her father and that he was present when the cult died….

Largely taking place in one location and over the course of one long night, Last Shift is an effectively atmospheric horror film. The nearly deserted station is creepy and Juliana Harkavy gives a good and sympathetic performance as Jessica. To a certain extent, the film is a perhaps a bit too quick to make it clear that something supernatural is happening at the station. I would have liked it if the film had played a little bit more with the idea of all of the strange events just being in Jessica’s head. (Early on, the film does play with that possibility.) Instead, by making it a little too obvious what’s happening, this is one of those films that does leave you wondering why Jessica stays in the station for as long as she does. Every bit of common sense would say to leave and deal with the professional consequences once you’ve escaped from the supernatural horror looking to destroy you. Losing your job sucks but it’s still preferable to losing your life. But, if you can overlook that one flaw, Last Shift is a genuinely frightening horror film, one that plays out like a filmed nightmare and which builds up to a surprise ending.

This is one to save for the next time you feel like watching something really scary. Don’t watch alone!

It Came Nameless in Spring, Review by Case Wright

Posted on October 31, 2022 by casewright

Happy Halloween! I really tried to contribute as much as possible this year. I’ve been beaten down by really really hard engineering classes and a Professor who shows up slurring words- Bombed. It’s annoying/sad. However, this short film is neither annoying, nor sad. I didn’t know that a person could make an alien invasion boring, but here we are.

There are survivors fighting and killing each other over basic staples. There’s a husband and wife, but he’s ill!!!! So, his wife goes on the hunt for medicine. What medicine? Who knows? Also, how would she know what to give him or how much? These questions aren’t raised or answered. She enters a supposedly empty home and fights the owner in the dumbest way possible. She knocks the owner down, but turns her back on her because it’s gotta be stupid.

Another issue with alien invasions stories I have is disease, people are all surviving. How? Our bacteria and viruses would not be able to compete. War of the World would’ve been mutually assured destruction.

I was always weirded out by Mass Effect that way; Shepard is way to eager to jump the bones of an alien species. We just got exposed to coronavirus, does this horny weirdo think that this hot blue alien wouldn’t have some sort of virus? She’s from another planet, you degenerate weirdo! Things evolved there and it wasn’t us! At the very least, she’ll give you an alien cold sore that’s probably Sapient Space Herpes (SSH), there’s not enough Blistex in the world to fight that!

I can’t stand morons! I was yelling at my computer screen the whole time and not in a good way. Listen, it’s either the apocalypse or not. If the aliens are killing everybody, you either fight or jump to your doom because chances are they will eat us. They’re not here to fall in love with us.

Back to my boring short film, you eventually see the floating alien, which is a big jellyfish. This is just dumb; I can suspend some disbelief for a spaceship, but you’re serving up a big Man-of-War jellyfish to take out humanity. We could just all pee on it! Problem solved!!! I’m sorry, things just float about in the air- stop it! I get Brian Otting slept through physics, but come on – haven’t you ever been on a plane before?! I’ll review something else! I can’t let this be the last of Halloween!