The Eric Roberts Horror Collection: 2 Bedroom 1 Bath (dir by Stanley Yung)


In this 2014 shocker, a young couple moves into what seems like a perfect 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment.  Rachel (Michele Hooks) and Kevin (Andrew W. Walker) are hoping to start a family in their new apartment.  Their landlady (Dee Wallace) is very happy to hear that.  In fact, it’s hard not to feel that she’s a bit too happy to hear it….

In many ways, 2 Bedroom 1 Bath is a typical “is it haunted or not?” thriller.  From the minute that they move into the apartment, Kevin starts to have strange and nightmarish visions.  He imagines himself trying to pick up a baby, just for it to fall to the ground and shatter like a doll.  Dark shadows move in the background while pale faces are reflected in the windows.  After taking a shower, Rachel doesn’t notice that ghostly figure in the mirror behind her.  Things get creepier and stranger after Rachel gets pregnant and Kevin finds himself not only tempted by student but also taunted by mysterious messages that appear in the mail box.

It’s a bit predictable but Hooks and Walker both give strong performances and director Stanley Yung does a great job of creating an ominous and dream-like atmosphere.  This is a film that features several dozen jump scares and just about everyone of them is effective.  It’s an effective piece of haunted apartment horror.

As for Eric Roberts, his role is a small one.  He plays the fertility specialist and he has three scenes with Rachel and Kevin.  When Roberts first appeared, I assumed his character was going to be revealed to be a part of the supernatural conspiracy but no.  He was just a well-intentioned doctor with two patients who had no idea how much trouble they were about to face.  To be honest, I’m so used to seeing Eric Roberts playing villains that it was kind of nice to see him playing a sympathetic professional for once.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Paul’s Case (1980)
  2. Star 80 (1983)
  3. Runaway Train (1985)
  4. To Heal A Nation (1988)
  5. Best of the Best (1989)
  6. Blood Red (1989)
  7. The Ambulance (1990)
  8. The Lost Capone (1990)
  9. Best of the Best II (1993)
  10. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  11. Voyage (1993)
  12. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  13. Sensation (1994)
  14. Dark Angel (1996)
  15. Doctor Who (1996)
  16. Most Wanted (1997)
  17. Mercy Streets (2000)
  18. Raptor (2001)
  19. Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 (2001)
  20. Strange Frequency (2001)
  21. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  22. Border Blues (2004)
  23. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  24. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  25. We Belong Together (2005)
  26. Hey You (2006)
  27. Depth Charge (2008)
  28. Amazing Racer (2009)
  29. The Chaos Experiment (2009)
  30. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  31. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  32. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  33. The Expendables (2010) 
  34. Sharktopus (2010)
  35. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  36. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  37. Deadline (2012)
  38. The Mark (2012)
  39. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  40. Assault on Wall Street (2013)
  41. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  42. Lovelace (2013)
  43. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  44. The Perfect Summer (2013)
  45. Self-Storage (2013)
  46. Sink Hole (2013)
  47. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  48. This Is Our Time (2013)
  49. Bigfoot vs DB Cooper (2014)
  50. Doc Holliday’s Revenge (2014)
  51. Inherent Vice (2014)
  52. Road to the Open (2014)
  53. Rumors of War (2014)
  54. Amityville Death House (2015)
  55. Deadly Sanctuary (2015)
  56. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  57. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  58. Sorority Slaughterhouse (2015)
  59. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  60. Enemy Within (2016)
  61. Hunting Season (2016)
  62. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  63. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  64. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  65. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  66. Dark Image (2017)
  67. The Demonic Dead (2017)
  68. Black Wake (2018)
  69. Frank and Ava (2018)
  70. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  71. Clinton Island (2019)
  72. Monster Island (2019)
  73. The Reliant (2019)
  74. The Savant (2019)
  75. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  76. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  77. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  78. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  79. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  80. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  81. Top Gunner (2020)
  82. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  83. The Elevator (2021)
  84. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  85. Killer Advice (2021)
  86. Megaboa (2021)
  87. Night Night (2021)
  88. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  89. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  90. Red Prophecies (2021)
  91. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  92. Bleach (2022)
  93. Dawn (2022)
  94. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  95. 69 Parts (2022)
  96. The Rideshare Killer (2022)
  97. D.C. Down (2023)
  98. Aftermath (2024)
  99. Bad Substitute (2024)
  100. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  101. Insane Like Me? (2024)
  102. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  103. Broken Church (2025)
  104. When It Rains In L.A. (2025

Made-For-TV Horror Review: Mind Over Murder (dir by Ivan Nagy)


In the 1979 made-for-TV movie, Mind over Murder, Deborah Raffin stars as Suzy.

Suzy is a model and an actress.  She has a nice apartment, which she shares with her football-loving boyfriend, Ben (Bruce Davison).  She has a best friend (Penelope Willis), who is constantly looking to get laid.  Her latest job requires her to dance with a man who is dressed up like a giant hamburger.  It would seem that, by the standards of 1979, Suzy has the perfect life.

However, her life is turned upside down when she suddenly starts having visions.  All of the action around her will either switch to slow motion or stop altogether while Suzy has a vision of a scary-looking bald man (Andrew Prine) stalking her.  Her most disturbing vision involves Suzy hearing the sound of a pilot begging for help while his airplane crashes.  Ben tells her that she’s probably just working too hard but, the next morning, Suzy looks at a newspaper and immediately sees a headline about a plane crash.

With Ben dismissing her concerns, Suzy takes it upon herself to meet with the two detectives (David Ackroyd and Robert Englund — yes, Robert Englund!) investigating the plane crash.  They are surprisingly sympathetic to Suzy’s story of hearing the plane crash before it happened.  They arrange for her to meet a psychic researcher, who explains that Suzy must have some sort of mental connection to whoever was responsible for the crash.  While Ben continues to be skeptical and jealous of all the time that she’s spending with one of the detectives, Suzy keeping having disturbing visions of the bald man….

Considering its origins as a made-for-TV movie, Mind Over Murder is a surprisingly frightening film.  This is a film that proves that slow motion can make just about anything creepy and Deborah Raffin does a good job of showing us just how much Suzy dreads those moments when everything starts to slow down and she realizes that she’s about to get hit with another vision.  That said, what truly makes this film frightening is the performance of Andrew Prine, who plays the bald man as being every woman’s nightmare.  He’s a misogynist, the type who is convinced that every woman should be in love with him and that those who aren’t should be punished.  Whether he’s appearing in Suzy’s visions or stepping into her reality, Andrew Prine is never less than terrifying.

Along with featuring a scary performance from Prine, this film also features a genuinely likable one from Robert Englund.  Englund is playing a nice guy here.  In fact, before he made horror history in A Nightmare in Elm Street, Englund almost always played nice guys.  It’s interesting to watch him here, with his friendly manner and his polite style, and to imagine the roles Englund would have ended up playing if he hadn’t gotten typecast as a horribly scarred serial killer.

The first hour of Mind over Murder is brilliant.  The final 30 minutes, unfortunately, find the film turning into a far more conventional thriller, as Suzy’s visions are replaced by the Bald Man actually coming after her.  That said, this is still an effective horror thriller and one that deserves to be rediscovered this Halloween season.

Hercules (1958, directed by Pietro Francisci)


In ancient Greece, Hercules (Steve Reeves) saves the life of the princess Iole (Sylva Koscina) when she nearly loses control of her chariot.  Iole tells Hercules about how her father, Pelias (Ivo Garrani), become the ruler of the kingdom after the murder of the previous king and the exile of the rightful heir to the throne, Jason (Fabrizio Mioni).

Hercules accompanies Iole back to the kingdom, where he proves himself by doing typical Hercules things like defeating both a lion and a bull.  When Hercules’s discovers that his best friend, Chiron (Alfo Poli) is the number one suspect in the murder of the previous king, he goes on a quest with Jason to recover the Golden Fleece, which will reveal the truth.

All sorts of Greek myths are crammed together as Hercules and Jason search for the Golden Fleece, fight a dragon, and are briefly held prisoner by Amazon Queen Antea (Gianna Maria Canale).  (The dragon’s roar was lifted from a Godzilla film.)  Hercules was the first of several Italian film to be made about Hercules.  American bodybuilder Steve Reeves had the right physique for Hercules but the wrong voice and, even in the English language dub, it’s obvious that we are not actually hearing Reeves when he speaks.

Hercules has a deserved reputation for being campy but it’s not as bad as you might think if you’ve only seen the washed-out and heavily edited version that was used for Mystery Science Theater 3000.  (I say that as someone who loves MST 3K and who dreamed of being one of their writers when I was growing up.)  If you can actually see a restored print of the film, ancient Greece actually looks pretty good and the the deep colors go a long way towards establishing the grandeur of a mythological age.  It’s easy to laugh at Steve Reeves and his expressionless acting but he had the right look for Hercules.  The only thing really required of Hercules in this movie is that he be strong and Reeves was definitely that.

Distributed in America by Joseph E. Levine, Hercules was a worldwide success and there would be 18 sequels, with Reg Park eventually taking over the role.  Steve Reeves, having been seriously injured while filming The Last Days of Pompeii in 1959, eventually retired from acting and spent the rest of his life running a ranch in Valley Center, California and promoting drug-free bodybuilding.  Arnold Schwarzenegger frequently cited him as an inspiration for his own acting career.  Steve Reeves passed away at the age of 74 in 2000.

Horror Film Review: Kill, Baby…. Kill (dir by Mario Bava)


Kill, Baby…. Kill!, Mario Bava’s 1966 masterpiece, opens at the turn of the 20th Century.

In a small German village, a woman named Irena Hollander (Mirella Panfili) runs up a set of stairs at an abandoned church.  From the bell tower, she either falls or deliberately jumps and crashes into the sharp spikes of the gate below.  Agck!  Falling from that high of a spot is bad enough without then landing on a gate and getting pierced by several sharp points at once.  Making it even more disturbing is that it’s suggested that the spikes don’t instantly kill Irena.  It’s a grotesque and disturbing image, shown to us in bright color.  It’s death as pop art.  It’s the sort of thing that only Mario Bava could have paid off.

Dr. Paul Eswai (Giacomo Rossi Stuart) is summoned to the village by Inspector Kruger (Piero Lulli).  Kruger suspects that Irena may have been intentionally pushed and he wants Paul to conduct an autopsy.  However, the superstitious townspeople say that her body must be buried immediately and Paul and Kruger actually have to rush out to the local cemetery to prevent the Irena from being buried.  The gravediggers warn Paul and Kruger that they will be bringing a curse on themselves by not burying Irena.  Paul and Kruger don’t listen.  At the autopsy, a local medical student named Monica (Erika Blanc) is assigned to serve as the witness.  Paul discovers that a silver coin has somehow been embedded in Irena’s heart.

Paul discovers that the villagers live in fear of the ghost a little girl.  They claim that if you see the girl, that means you are cursed to die.  Paul, being a man of science, is skeptical.  When the daughter of the local innkeeper becomes horrified after saying that she has seen the little girl, Paul is critical of the treatment offered up by her superstitious parents.  (That treatment include a chain of leeches — agck!)  Meanwhile, Kruger goes to the estate of the mysterious Baroness Graps (Giovanna Galletti) and disappears!  It soon becomes clear that the key to mystery lies in the estate of the Baroness and her past.  Karl (Luciano Catenacci), the burgomaster, knows the secret of the Baroness but soon, he finds himself being targeted by the little girl.

Maria Bava is a director who has been cited as an influence by everyone from David Lynch to Martin Scorsese and Kill, Baby…. Kill! is his masterpiece, a work of horrific pop art that is full of atmosphere, creative use of color, and an intentionally surreal style of plotting that makes the film less a standard story and more of a filmed nightmare.  Towards the end, as Paul pursues the ghost of the little girl, an overhead view of a special staircase, lit in blues and greens, brings to mind Hitchock’s Vertigo while the village itself feels as if it could have been transported over from a Hammer horror film.  Paul is a man of science and the villages are people of superstition and, in the end, both seem to be equally destructive.  Paul is too quick to dismiss the old traditions while the villagers are too quick to put their faith in herbs and incantations.  Bava creates an atmosphere in which everyone seems to be equally doomed.

Of course, the main reason why Kill, Baby…. Kill! works is because that little girl (played by Valerio Vali, about whom little is known) is absolutely terrifying.  When she suddenly shows up at a window and stares straight at her latest victim, it’s a true jump scare.  She had an intense stare but, even worse, she seems to be so happy after she’s cursed someone.  The true horror is that she can basically pop up anywhere.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a good person or a rational person or someone who doesn’t even believe in ghosts.  Fate cannot be escaped.

Kill, Baby…. Kill! is a both a story of nightmarish horror and a love letter to pure cinema.

Kill, Baby, Kill

October True Crime: The Texas RailRoad Killer (dir by Luis Antonio Rodriguez)


Angel Maturino Resendiz, now there was a scary person.

Resendiz was a drifter who hitched rides on trains and who killed at least 15 people over the course of 13 years.  Because he traveled by stowing away on trains, his first few crimes went undetected.  Even when people realized that there was a serial killer haunting the nation’s railroads, no one knew exactly where Resendiz would next turn up.  He committed the majority of his murders in Texas, killing random people and using whatever method happened to be most convenient at the time.  However, he also killed people in Florida, Georgia, California, Kentucky, and Illinois.  He would steal his victim’s jewelry but leave behind their money.  (He would return to his home in Mexico to give the jewelry to his sister and mother, both of whom apparently had no idea where he was getting his gifts from.)  After he was placed on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, Resendiz eventually surrendered himself in 1999.  Resendiz was apparently under the impression that he would not be given the death penalty if voluntarily turned himself in.  Resendiz was wrong about that and he was executed in 2006.

Until Resendiz surrendered himself, everyone living near a railroad track was nervous.  I know this from personal experience because, in 1999, my family lived close enough to the tracks that I could lay in bed in the middle of the night and listen to the sound of the trains rumbling in the distance.  Resendiz was a killer who targeted those who were smaller and weaker than him, which basically would have included me, my mom, and my sisters.  Apparently, whenever he did a home invasion, he would also eat whatever food he could find in the refrigerator.  Whereas most killers would probably want to get away from the scene as quickly as possible, Resendiz would sit down and eat leftovers.  For whatever reason, that little detail is the one that creeps me out the most.

2020’s The Texas Railroad Killer is loosely based on the crimes of Angel Resendiz.  The film features Resendiz (Lino Aquino) as he wanders around South Texas, randomly killing.  As played by Aquino, Resendiz comes across as being a somewhat dazed, paranoid shell of a human being, a shadow of death who doesn’t seem to be aware of the difference between reality and what’s only happening in his mind.  Does he really witness a group of strippers being gunned down by law enforcement or is it something that he only imagined?  It’s hard to tell.  After Resendiz commits a murder, he looks over his victim’s identification as if he’s trying to absorb the life that he just ended.  And yes, he does eat in a victim’s house.  Agck!

The Texas Railroad Killer is an extremely low-budget film.  Lino Aquino is convincingly out-of-it as Resendiz but some of the other performers are noticeably less convincing in their roles.  The film is largely plotless and the slow pace will be a turn-off for many viewers.  And yet, there’s a disturbing power to the film’s sun-drenched visuals.  The images of the sweaty Resendiz walking down broken streets or stumbling dazed out of someone’s home stick with you.  Flaws and all, the film captures the soulless existence of a man who lives for no other reason than to kill.

Personally, it makes me glad that he’s dead.

Horror Film Review: Willy’s Wonderland (dir by Kevin Lewis)


2021’s Willy’s Wonderland takes place in an dilapidated restaurant.

Back in the day, Willy’s Wonderland was the ideal place to go if you were young and celebrating your birthday.  The animatronic mascots would sing “Happy birthday” and maybe meet your parents.  Willy Weasel, Arty Alligator, Cammy Chameleon, Ozzie Ostrich, Tito Turtle, Knighty Knight, Gus Gorilla, and Siren Sara promised fun and cheesy entertainment to anyone looking for a nice family meal!

Unfortunately, people stopped going to Willy’s once it was discovered that the owner was a serial killer.  Jerry Robert Willis (Grant Cramer) and his seven friends were cannibals who regularly sacrificed families.  Eventually, the police caught up to him but, even under new ownership, no one wanted to eat at Willy’s.  There were rumors that Willis and his friends had transferred their souls into the animatronic figures but surely, that could not have been true!

Right?

Nicolas Cage plays a man with no name.  When his car breaks down, the local mechanic agrees to fix the car if the man agrees to spend the night as the janitor at Willy’s.  Apparently, it’s been a struggle to keep a night janitor at the place.  People find the location to be creepy and, of course, the animatronic mascots keep killing anyone dumb enough to try to mop the floors.  Cage’s man with no name silently agrees.  Everything that Cage does, he does without a word.  This is one of the rare films where Nicolas Cage, usually a champion talker, says absolutely nothing.

Now, I should mention that there actually is a plot to Willy’s Wonderland.  Liv (Emily Tosta) and her friends are trying to burn the place down because, years ago, Liv’s parents were murdered by the mascots.  Unfortunately, Liv and her friends aren’t that smart and they end up trapped in Willy’s Wonderland.  The majority of them quickly fall victim to the mascots.  The deaths are appropriately gruesome, though tinged with the dark humor that would come from essentially being killed by a knock-off version of Chuck E. Cheese.

But really, the plot isn’t important.  This film is entirely about Nicolas Cage, playing a man with no name.  Cage takes the janitorial job and, over the course of the night, he battles the mascots.  At the same time, he also makes it a point to continue to do his job.  Besieged or not, he agreed to clean the place up.  He takes his breaks and plays pinball exactly as scheduled, even if that means abandoning Liv and her friends.  Normally, you might think that this would be bad behavior on the part of Cage’s character.  Abandoning someone in the middle of a battle is not usually encouraged.  But Liv and her friends are very annoying.  Cage is ultimately the hero by default.  Yes, he’s fighting and killing the mascots but he’s really only doing it because they’re getting in his way while he’s trying to do his job.  The fact that he helps out Liv is largely coincidental.

Willy’s Wonderland proves that Cage doesn’t need a lot of lines to be the center of a film.  Even without speaking, he’s such a wonderfully eccentric presence that you can’t help but watch him and cheer him on.  Admittedly, Willy’s Wonderland is never that scary, though the “Happy Birthday” song is definitely creepy.  The mascots are a bit too cartoonish to be truly frightening.  But, if the film doesn’t really work as a horror film, it does work as an adrenaline-fueled Cage match.  And that’s nearly as good.

Horror Film Review: The Vampire Bat (dir by Frank R. Strayer)


In 1933’s The Vampire Bat, people are dying in a small German village, victims of blood loss.  A woman named Martha Mueller (Rita Carlisle) was recently attacked by a bat, leading to rumors of a vampire.  When the local town eccentric, a twitchy man named Hermann Glieb (Dwight Frye), argues that bats are actually harmless and admits that he likes bats because they are “soft” and “nice,” people start to suspect that he might be the vampire.  Another man named Kringen (George E. Stone) claims that he was attacked by a vampire and insinuates that it was Glieb.  Glieb may seems like a strange man who likes to collect bats but could he be something even more sinister?

Two town leaders have opposite feelings about the claim that a vampire is attacking the town.  Karl Brettschneider (Melvyn Douglas) is the local police inspector and he deals with facts.  He doesn’t believe in superstition and he initially scoffs at the idea that a vampire is attacking the village.  Meanwhile, Dr. Otto von Niemann (Lionel Atwill) is the town’s doctor.  He’s been treating the victims of the bat attacks and he’s even be letting some of his patients live at his home.  Everyone knows that Dr. von Neimann is a kindly man of science.  Karl is even dating Ruth (Fay Wray), one of Otto’s boarders.  But is the doctor as benevolent as everyone assumes?

When answering that question, consider these four facts:

  1.  Dr. von Neimann is the one who encouraged Kringen to spread stories about a vampire haunting the town, despite the fact that Kringen himself said that he didn’t want to start a panic.
  2. Dr. van Niemann is played by Lionel Atwill.
  3. Glieb is played by Dwight Frye.
  4. Karl is played by Melvyn Douglas.

Indeed, for horror fans, the casting of Lionel Atwill gives the game away.  Lionel Atwill appeared in a number of horror films and it was rare that he wasn’t cast as the villain.  (One of his non-villainous role was as the one-armed Inspector Krogh in The Son of Frankenstein.)  From the minute the viewer sees Atwill, he seem to give off sinister vibes and it’s not really a surprise when he turns out to be less than trustworthy.

As for Dwight Frye, horror fans love him for playing a number of unhinged weirdos, like Renfield in the Lugosi-version of Dracula and the torch-bearing servant in Karloff’s Frankenstein.  Frye was good at playing twitchy types but one thing that all of Frye’s characters had in common is that they were pretty much destined to be victims.  Even when Frye played an unlikeable character,  like in Frankenstein, it was obvious that he was going to end up getting killed at the hands of the Monster.

Finally, Melvyn Douglas was the epitome of propriety in every film in which he appeared.  If Douglas thinks that there is something more going on than just a vampire attacking people, there probably is.  And since we know Douglas can’t be the main bad guy, that pretty much just leaves Lionel Atwill.

The Vampire Bat is a short and enjoyable B-movie that puts an interesting spin on the typical vampire legend.  Though the budget may be low, the cast of Atwill, Douglas, Frye, and Wray can’t be beat and all of them give fully committed performances.  Dwight Frye, in particular, gives one of his best performance as the unfortunate Glieb.  As always, Lionel Atwill makes for an entertaining villain.  At its best, The Vampire Bat comments on the power of hysteria.  Convinced that there is a vampire in their midst, the town goes mad and it directs its anger towards those who are seen as being on the outside, men like Glieb.

The Vampire Bat is more than worthy of your Halloween viewing.

Horror On The Lens: Where Have All The People Gone? (dir by John Llewellyn Moxey)


In the creepy 1974 film, Peter Graves plays a father who goes on a camping trip with his two teenage children (one of whom is played by Kathleen Quinlan).  A sudden earthquake and a solar flare causes the trio to try to return to civilization, where they discover that almost everyone has been reduced to a powdery substance and there are only a few crazed survivors.  They try to make their way back to their home in Malibu, facing danger at every leg of their journey.

(It’s almost a low-budget and far more dramatic version of Night of the Comet.)

Effective despite its made-for-TV origins, Where Have All The People Gone? was obviously mean to serve as a pilot for a television series.  The series didn’t happen but, even with a somewhat open-ended conclusion, the movie still works.

 

Unidentified, Short Film Review by Case Wright


I was unable to find anything on IMDB for this film; so, I used this photo from a previous review where it looked like they were going for a Santa Pedo vibe. Read that review below:

https://unobtainium13.com/2021/10/23/creepshow-time-out-the-things-in-oakwoods-past/: Unidentified, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Unidentified is about an ordinary guy who sees an alien invasion. This concept is so overdone that it is really its own subgenre of suckiness. Some random schmoe sees aliens and is unable to do anything about it accept die?! Mr. Filmmaker of Unidentified, why you are bothering me this garbage? Who cares?!

Hear me, it’s one thing if the ordinary person is heroic or we are setting up the story or he causes a resolution, but when it’s just some doofus driving around for 60% of the short, you are wasting my time! Mr. Filmmaker of Unidentified, I understand that creating a story is hard like how you must be always confused when you try to get the mail or turn on your phone, but that doesn’t mean you should pursue the art of film. Instead of making these terrible shorts that lack even a basic story let alone an ending, how about working on a simplistic craft? I’ll even consider putting it on my fridge! Really, my fridge has some prime real estate on it: magnets, shopping list sticky notes, and stains if it’s my housecleaning day.

If this terrible film did pique your interest…..somehow, the story is a British man in a sedan who drives for several minutes and sees a big monster- yep, that’s it. UGHHH. Maybe Alex Magana has a British cousin?

October Positivity: Holyman Undercover (dir by David A.R. White)


In 2010’s Holyman Undercover, David A.R. White plays Roy.  Roy is an 18 year-old Amish dude from Kansas.  It’s time for him to experience Rumspringa, a period in which he can live life amongst “the English” and decide whether or not he wants to commit to being Amish.  Roy decides to go Los Angeles so he can track down his uncle and work with him as a missionary.

Roy struggles in Los Angeles.  Giving money to one homeless man leads to him nearly getting mugged.  When he meets his uncle, he discovers that Brian (also played by David A.R. White) is now a struggling actor who has a taste for cocaine.  (Brian claims that he’s a holyman working undercover.)  Accompanying Brian to an audition leads to Roy getting cast as Satan on a primetime soap opera.  His wife is played by vapid supermodel Tiffany Towers (Jennifer Lyons).  Meanwhile, the show’s producer is a former country girl named Annie (Andrea Logan White) and soon, Roy is having fantasies about Annie dressing up like an Amish woman and dancing in a field with him.  However, the head of the network (Fred Willard) wants Roy to date Tiffany because it’ll be good publicity for the show.

Throughout it all, Roy remains innocent and confused about the modern world.  He’s never watched television.  He doesn’t know how to use a phone.  He doesn’t understand what a credit card is.  He’s earnest and honest to a fault and, even after Tiffany makes out with him, he continues to insist that he only has eyes for Annie.

Of course, in reality, I imagine that the typical Amish person knows how to use a phone.  I imagine that they probably also know what a television is and they probably even understand that you’re expected to pay your credit card debt.  The Amish may choose to reject a good deal of the modern world but that doesn’t mean that they don’t know what the modern world is.  But this film isn’t meant to be a realistic portrayal of the Amish or of Hollywood or of really anything.

Indeed, I’m not really sure what to make of this film.  It’s faith-based and it ends with Roy delivering a simple message about loving others but the film’s humor is often rather mean-spirited and there’s several jokes that are more than a little racist and homophobic.  (Japanese tourists take pictures while shouting, “Godzilla!”  When Brian ends up in jail, his cellmate is a hulking black man who says his name is Beef because “it’s what’s for dinner.”)  David A.R. White is not bad as Roy but his performance as Brian is incredibly shrill and there’s really no reason, beyond ego, for director White to have cast himself in both roles.

Probably the best thing that one can say about the film is that the name actors — Fred Willard, Clint Howard, Edie McClurg, and Staci Keanan — all manage to survive with their dignity intact.  Indeed, the highlight of the film is, believe it or not, John Schneider earnestly playing himself as the actor who replaces Roy as Satan and who then promptly launches a presidential campaign.  “The country’s going to Hell anyway!” he says, with just the right amount of self-awareness.

Interestingly enough, the film does end with one particularly prophetic scene, as Roy and Annie leave Hollywood to produce an Amish dating show.  Tiffany moves with them to the farm and a group of Amish men compete for her hand in marriage.  Farmer Wants A Wife, anyone?