Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, we have a two-hour episode of CHiPs!

Episodes 4.5 and 4.6 “The Great 5K Star Race and Boulder Wrap Party”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on December 7th, 1980)

There’s a big boulder sitting on a mountain and it’s threatening to roll down onto the highway, where it could not only damage cars but also destroy the home of comedian Milton Berle.  Berle calls the cops and generally gets annoyed with everyone who comes by his house.  They all want to make jokes while the boulder hangs over him like death from above.  I would be annoyed as well!

Ponch and Baker arrange for a demolition crew to come in and try to destroy the boulder.  As Ponch is also in charge of the annual CHP charity fundraiser, Ponch recruits Berle to be a part of it.  Ponch wants a bunch of celebs to take part in a bicycle race.  Berle motions with his cigar and says he’ll play touch football instead.

This two-part episode attempts to recapture the fun of the previous season’s Roller Disco.  A lot of celebrities show up for the fundraiser and Harlan provides a breathless commentary that basically amounts to continually repeating, “There’s George Peppard talking to Johnnie Ray!  Nancy Kulp’s standing in a doorway!  There’s Robert Mandan!  Conrad Bain’s wearing an ascot!  Look at Todd Bridges get down!”  It’s not as much fun this time because there’s no roller skating and there’s no disco music.  Instead, it’s celebs playing the type of dreary games that high schools and church youth groups have used for years to build up team work.  You know that terrible game where people try to move an orange down a line without using their hands?  They play that game.  (My speech and debate coach had us play the game at a sleepover and I’ll just say that having an orange fall into your cleavage is not as much fun as it sounds, especially when you’re the only girl standing in the line.)  An ascot-wearing Conrad Bain runs around in circles while balancing a wine bottle on a tray.  The crowd loves it but I think it would be kind of boring to watch.  There’s also a dunking booth so that the celebrities can send the members of the CHP into a tub of water.  Baker does not participate but Ponch does and you better believe he flashes the biggest smile in the world after he goes down.

There are some other storylines going on, of course.  Alex Rocco and Ken Berry are two racers who supplement their income by robbing homes and trucks.  There’s a freeway pileup that features some slow motion car jumps.  Hey, that truck has “EXPLOSIVES” written on it!  Do you think it will explode!?  Baker helps a kid who needs better parents.  It’s typical CHiPs stuff but the majority of the episode is just a collection of television actors participating in silly games.  “There’s Marcia Wallace talking to Chuck Woolery, having a good time!”  It needed more disco.