Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 1.15 “Thief In The Night”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Baywatch Nights want to make sure that you know it’s a show about a lifeguard.

Episode 1.15 “Thief In The Night”

(Dir by Charles Bail, originally aired on March 2nd, 1996)

This week, we find Mitch actually doing some lifeguard work for once.  I would say that about 35% of the episode features Mitch in his red swim trunks and either hanging out at his tower or at Baywatch Headquarters.  At one point, Donna even mentions that, along being a club owner, she’s also training to become a lifeguard.  It feels as if the show’s producers are literally standing off-camera, yelling, “This is a Baywatch show!  We’re sorry for not doing more Baywatch stuff during the first half of the season!  Please start watching!”

As for this week’s case, Mitch, Garner, and Ryan are hired by the snooty yacht club to investigate who has been breaking into their boats and stealing valuable things.  The head of the yacht club is Jeri Ross (Kristine Meadows), who is so snooty that she hires Mitch and Garner and then starts to immediately complain about them investigating the yachts.  Still, Mitch needs the paycheck, though I’m not sure why since he already has a full-time job as a senior lifeguard.

Mitch figures out that the thief is a scuba diver but he still can’t figure out who the person could be.  Perhaps that’s because Mitch keeps referring to thief as being a “he,” when the thief is actually Nina Cutter (Christiana D’Amore), a former Olympic-class swimmer who is now trying to raise money to pay the lawyers who are trying to overturn the embezzlement conviction that landed her brother in prison!  Seriously, Mitch, get with the times!  Women are just as capable of robbing a yacht as men.  Myself, I’ve never robbed a yacht but if I ever felt like doing so, I imagine I could do it just as well as anyone else who has a morbid fear of swimming in the ocean.

Nina sees Mitch investigating the crime and she decides that maybe it would be fun to meet and date him.  When Mitch is pulling out of Baywatch HQ, Nina rollerblades behind his truck and pretends to get knocked to the pavement.  Mitch jumps out with his first aide kit but he doesn’t jump out in slow motion, which I think was a missed opportunity on the part of the show.

Mitch does fall for Nina but, once he figures out that she’s the thief, he still captures her and sends her to jail.  On the bright side, he also saves her from drowning after she hits her head on the bottom of passing boat.  Still — what the Hell, Mitch?  When did you become so judgmental?  What if her brother really is innocent?

This episode was pretty boring.  When Mitch wasn’t hanging out at his lifeguard tower, he was underwater in a wet suit and, as anyone who has watched a 60s diving film can tell you, there’s nothing more boring then watching people float around in wet suits.  It didn’t help that all the diving scenes took place at night so I really had to strain my already hyperopic eyes to even get a vague idea of what was happening in that dark water.  As well, there really wasn’t much chemistry, romantic or otherwise, between Nina and Mitch.

Seriously, I can’t wait for the supernatural episodes to finally start!

14 Days of Paranoia #5: Payback (dir by Brian Hegeland)


The 1999 film, Payback, opens with Porter (Mel Gibson) lying on a kitchen table while a grubby-looking doctor digs two bullets out of his back.  The scene takes place in almost nauseating close-up, with the emphasis being put on the amount of pain that Porter endures to get rid of those bullets.  Immediately, we know that Porter is not someone who can safely go to a regular hospital.  Porter is someone who exists in the shadows of mainstream society.

He’s also someone who spends a lot of time getting beaten up.  Even back when he was still a big star, Mel Gibson always seemed to spend a good deal of his films getting beaten up and tortured in various ways and that’s certainly the case with Payback.  Porter gets punched.  Porter gets shot.  Porter has a encounter with an over-the-top dominatrix (played by Lucy Liu).  At one point, Porter allows two of his toes to be smashed by a hammer, just so he can trick the his enemies into doing something dumb.  As played by Gibson, Porter stumbles through the film and often looks like he’s coming down from a week-long bender.  It’s interesting to think that Payback is a remake of 1967’s Point Blank, which starred Lee Marvin as Walker, an unflappable career criminal who never showed a hint of emotion or weakness.  Porter, on the other hand, is visibly unstable and spends the entire film on the verge of a complete mental collapse.  A lot of people try to kill Porter and Porter kills almost all of them without a moment’s hesitation.

(Of course, both Porter and Point Blank‘s Walker are versions of Parker, a career criminal who was at the center of several crime novels written by Donald “Richard Stark” Westlake.)

After helping to pull off a $140,000 heist from a Chinese triad, Porter was betrayed and left for dead by his former friend Val Resnick (Gregg Henry) and his wife, Lynn (Deborah Kara Unger).  Porter, who just wants the $70,000 cut that he was promised, starts his quest for the money by tracking down Val and Lynn, and then continues it by going after the three bosses (played by William Devane, James Coburn, and Kris Kristofferson) of “The Outfit,” a shadowy organization that Val had gotten involved with.  Along the way, Porter deals with a motely crew of corrupt cops, violent criminals, and sleazy middlemen.  (David Paymer has a memorable bit as a low-level functionary with atrocious taste in suits.)  Porter also hooks up with a prostitute named Rosie (Maria Bello), who might be the only person that he can actually trust.

I have mixed feelings about Payback.  (So did director Brian Hegeland, who was reportedly fired towards the end of shooting and later released a far different director’s cut.)  Though the film does a good job of capturing the visual style of a good neo-noir, the story itself is so violent and grim that it actually gets a little bit boring.  The film’s advertising encouraged audiences to “Get ready to root for the bad guy,” but there’s really no reason to root for Porter.  He’s an inarticulate and ruthless killer with no sense of humor.  If anything, the people that he kills seem to be far more reasonable and likable than he does.  In Point Blank, Lee Marvin may have been a bastard but he was good at what he did and you at least got the feeling that he wouldn’t go after any innocent bystanders.  In Payback, Porter is such a mess that his continued survival is largely due to dumb luck.  It’s hard to root for an idiot.

That said, the film does do a good job of capturing the feeling of people living on the fringes of society.  The Outfit is not a typical Mafia family but instead, a collection of businessmen who work out of nice offices and, in the case of William Devane’s Carter, come across as being more of a senior executive than a crime boss.  (James Coburn and Kris Kristofferson, meanwhile, come across as being two former hippies who made it rich on Wall Street.  They’re elderly versions of Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin.)  The film does a good job of creating a world where no one trusts anyone and everyone is being watched by someone.  In one memorable scene, the three men sent to watch for Porter discover that he’s been watching them the entire time.  Never forget to look over your shoulder to see who might be following.

Flaws and all, this 1999 film does a good job of capturing the atmosphere of paranoia that, for many, would come to define the early part of the 21st Century.

14 Days of Paranoia:

  1. Fast Money (1996)
  2. Deep Throat II (1974)
  3. The Passover Plot (1976)
  4. The Believers (1987)

Smokey Bites The Dust (1981, directed by Charles B. Griffith)


Sheriff Hugh “Smokey” Turner (Walter Barnes) of Cyco County, Arkansas is determined to capture teenage car thief and prankster, Roscoe Wilton (Jimmy McNichol).  Roscoe is determined to disrupt the high school homecoming dance by abducting the homecoming queen, Peggy Sue (Janet Julian).  Peggy Sue is, at first, determined to escape from Roscoe but changes her mind as they flee from her father, who just happens to be Sheriff Turner.

From producer Roger Corman, Smokey Bites The Dust is an 88-minute car chase film where the most spectacular getaways and crashes are lifted from other Roger Corman productions.  Eagle-eyed viewers will spot footage from Eat My Dust, Grand Theft Auto, and Moving Violations.  In order to explain why the cars keep changing from scene to scene, the chase moves from county-to-county where both Roscoe and Sherriff Turner inevitably end up ditching (or crashing) their old car and then stealing a new vehicle to continue the pursuit.

That’s not much of a plot so the run time is padded out with several subplots.  A local moonshiner tries to sell his special brew to a group of Arabs.  Peggy Sue’s boyfriend, Kenny (William Forsyth, in one of his first films), joins in the chase.  Dick Miller flies around in a helicopter and also gets involved in the chase.  None of it makes any sense and none of it is particularly amusing but Roger Corman undoubtedly made a lot of money pushing this thing into Southern drive-ins and letting people assume it was some sort of a sequel to Smokey and the Bandit.

Most of the acting is pretty bad.  When it comes to being an incompetent sheriff, Walter Barnes is no Jackie Gleason.  Jimmy McNichol comes across as being seriously disturbed.  Of the main cast, Janet Julian is alone in giving an appealing and naturalistic performance as Peggy Sue.  While Julian (who has since retired from acting) never became the star she deserved to be, she is remembered for her later turn as Christopher Walken’s lawyer and girlfriend in 1990’s King of New York.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.14 “The Chateau/White Lightning”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, we get a bad fantasy and a good fantasy.  Smiles, everyone!

Episode 4.14 “The Chateau/White Lightning”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on February 7th, 1981)

The first of this week’s fantasies involves the McAllister clan and the Scroggins clan, two feuding families from Appalachia who both come to Fantasy Island with the same fantasy.  They want to find the formula for a legendary type of moonshine called White Lightning.  The McAllisters are led by Clora (Carolyn Jones) and include her children, Ruth Ann (Wendy Schaal), Amos (Ed Begley, Jr.), and Otis (Richard Lineback).  The Scroggins are led by Norris (George Lindsey) and include his sons, R.J. (Randy Powell) and Bobby Joe (Ernie Lively).

Since both families have the same fantasy and they both want the recipe for themselves….

What?  Yes, this the bad fantasy.

Anyway, Mr. Roarke gives them a map that will lead them to White Lightning still on Fantasy Island.  The two families race to be the first to reach the still, not realizing that the still is guarded by an old man with a rifle and that old man is Mr. Roarke in a fake beard.

You will probably not be surprised to learn that Mr. Roarke pretending to be a moonshiner is the best part of this fantasy.  Seriously, I hope everyone involved with this series appreciated the dedication that Ricardo Montalban brought to bringing even the most ridiculous of scenes to life.

This was a dumb fantasy and, from the minute the two families stepped off the plane, it was obvious that they’re going to end up setting aside their differences and working together.  The hillbilly stuff just felt out of place on Fantasy Island.  Let’s move on and let’s do so quickly.

The other fantasy is a bit more fun.  Vicky Lee (Pamela Franklin) is writing a book about her grandmother, a silent screen actress who died under mysterious circumstances.  Her fantasy is to interview her grandmother’s former co-star, Claude Duncan, who lives in seclusion in a Fantasy Island chateau.  Mr. Roarke tries to dissuade her from entering the chateau and warns her that her fantasy might be dangerous in ways that she could never imagine.  Vicky says that she can take care of herself.

In the chateau, she meets Karl Dixon (David Hedison), who looks exactly like Claude Duncan!  She assumes that Karl must be Claude’s grandson but the audience knows better.  For one thing, we’ve noticed the statue of Pan in the chateau’s courtyard and we’ve also noticed that its eyes glow whenever something strange happens.  It turns out that Claude Duncan and Karl Dixon are one in the same!  Claude has remained young by offering up sacrifices to Pan.  And it appears that he’s planning on making Vicky his latest sacrifice.

Vickey Lee’s fantasy was silly but entertaining, in the way that the best episodes of Fantasy Island often are.  I always prefer the fantasies that have an element of the supernatural and that’s certainly the case with this one.  At one point, Duncan even claims that Mr. Roarke has no power in the Chateau, which leads me to once again wonder about who truly rules Fantasy Island.  If Mr. Roarke was truly in control of Fantasy Island, why would he allow Claude Duncan to live there?  In an interview, Ricardo Montalban suggested that Fantasy Island was a form of Purgatory and that Mr. Roarke was more of a caretaker than a ruler.  This fantasy would certainly suggest that to be true.

(The fantasy also features a charmingly weird scene where Mr. Roarke suddenly appears on a television screen in the chateau so he can tell Vicky that she’s in danger.  Strange Mr. Roarke is the best Mr. Roarke.)

So, this week gave us one bad fantasy and one good fantasy.  Fortunately, the good fantasy was really, really good.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Robert Altman Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, we celebrate what would have been the 99th birthday of the great director, Robert Altman!  It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Robert Altman Films

The Long Goodbye (1973, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Vilmos Zsigmond)

Nashville (1975, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Paul Lohmann)

3 Women (1977, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Charles Rosher, Jr.)

Short Cuts (1993, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Walt Lloyd)

Scenes That I Love: Tibbs Meets Endicott in In The Heat Of The Night


Today, we observe what would have been Sidney Poitier’s 97th birthday.

Today’s scene that I love comes from the 1967 Best Picture winner, In The Heat of the Night.  In this film, Poitier plays Virgil Tibbs, a Northern cop who reluctantly finds himself helping a Southern sheriff (Rod Steiger) investigate a murder.  Tibbs’s number one suspect is Eric Endicott (Larry Gates), who owns what was then a modern-day plantation.

In this scene, Tibbs interrogates Endicott, a paternalistic racist who simply cannot believe or accept that he is being questioned by a black man.  When Endicott responds to one of Tibbs questions by slapping him, Tibbs slaps him right back.

While Endicott’s slap was in the original script, Tibbs’s response was not.  At first, Tibbs was meant to turn the other cheek and leave the plantation without saying a word.  Wisely, Poitier approached director Norman Jewison and objected to that, insisting that Tibbs would respond in kind.  The scene was rewritten and it became one of Poitier’s best moments in the film.

Music Video of the Day: Come As You Are by Nirvana (1992, directed Kevin Kerslake)


Kurt Cobain would have been 57 years old today.

Come As You Are was Nirvana’s first video after the monster success of Smells Like Teen Spirit.  Despite the commercial success of the previous song and video, Cobain has not enjoyed working director Samuel Bayer so, when it was time to do the Come As You Are video, photographer Kevin Kerslake was hired to direct.  At the time, Cobain told Kerslake that he just wanted the video to pay homage to the cover of Nevermind and to feature a lot of “purples and reds.”  Cobain and the band were happy with the way that Kerslake visually interpreted their song and he subsequently directed many more videos for the band.

This video was shot in a park in Hollywood Hills.

Enjoy!